Making the (Really Crappy) Video

I’m conflicted. About midway through last season’s Surreal Life I vowed never to watch the show again – having tasted my own bile too many times as a result of watching the vile media whoring of Omarosa and Janice Dickenson. Now, after my recapping duties superceded my better judgment, I’m thoroughly bored watching the most recent incarnation of the show. But you know what? I’ll take “Bored” over “Disgusted with the entire human race” any day. So give me a sec – just putting on my rose-colored glasses… There we go.

The Los Angeles day dawned 68 degrees, smog-free, and beautiful. With bluebirds chirping and the smell of bacon and coffee wafting through the house, CC Deville jogged on the elliptical trainer, George Jefferson yawned, and Maven Huffman dropped in some eye drops. The scene was set – this was gonna be some exciting stuff!The “Surreal Times” was delivered and CC read the news: Smashmouth (Or, “Schmayshmouht,” as CC says it) has a new single coming out, ‘The Story of my Life,’ and the Surreal Lifers were going to direct and star in the video! Tawny Kitaen was to be the producer and would be responsible for the budget and time management. In her words, “This has been my dream forever!” Really, Tawny? Well, I guess when your claim to fame is writhing around on top of a car in a 15 year old video; directing a video in which you do the same is the next logical “dream” step.

Even more puzzling was Playboy model Andrea Lowell’s response: “I’m a huge Smashmouth fan and to be in a Smashmouth video is a dream come true!” Really, Andrea? A huge Smashmouth fan? Can we assume she bought the 3 albums that came out after the one with “All-star” and “Walking on the Sun?” But, like Tawny, when your claim to fame is writhing around naked on video, being in a different video with at least some clothes on is the next logical “dream” step. (Rest assured, Andrea did get naked before the day was out though. Phew.)

Question: Why do bands make music videos anymore? Where are they even aired? That conundrum was lost on the housemates though, as Steve Harwell fired up the Radioshack store brand portable CD player (with stereophonic sound no less!) and everyone danced to the new song. Tawny effused, “The new Smashmouth single – number one with a bullet, I guarantee you!” No need for my usual paragraph-ending joke… I think Tawny just made it for me.

As Tawny did her tawdry dance, Sherman grooved along silently in his Santino-Special tee shirt. This dude was on a hit sitcom and he’s wearing what I have only seen being sold to trailer trash in Wal-Mart bargain bins. Oh celestial new age wolf baying at the moon, how can anyone deny your charm? And how could Tawny deny Steve’s request that she slink around on a car, reprising her famous video role of yore? The answer: She couldn’t. Let’s just hope it’s a Hummer this time, or better yet a M3A3 Bradley Fighting Vehicle System, considering her recently acquired girth.

Of course show “therapist” Florence Henderson would have to be in the video, so Steve rang her up and laid out the plan: Carol Brady in a dominatrix outfit! What a great idea! (Have her slathering up Sherman with Wesson oil and you’d have a hit on your hands.) Mrs. Brady? “No!” What a prude – oh well, nothing a little cursed Tiki Idol couldn’t fix, right? And what better place to find one that at the giant prop store in Hollywood?

So, armed with $1500 that’s exactly where the gang drove to in search of outfits and items for the video shoot. But “No” seemed to be the word of the day as every suggestion the others came up with, producer Tawny responded with emphatic, “No’s.” Like when Andrea picked up a formaldehyde jar and asked, “What about something like this, a fetus?” Because when one thinks of the fun-lovin’ Smashmouth guys, one’s first thought is of abortions? Oh you Playboy models, always ahead of the curve.

After a succession of scenes that reminded EdHill of drunken college bar nights (a chunky woman saying, “No, no, no, no, no”), Mrs. Brady showed up to help the gang out. Clueless Tawny said to Carol, “You are the dominatrix so let’s find you some leather.” Ummm, what’s the word Mrs. Brady was looking for here… Um… “No!” Gosh, now I was having flashbacks to drunken college nights – an attractive mature woman telling a chunky woman “no” when I bring up the subject of S&M. Sigh. The good old days.

Tawny seemed ecstatic that she saved over $500 of someone else’s money by not buying many props. She excitedly told Steve Harwell this and he was understandably confused. But, remembering that Tawny is also famous for beating up a Major League Baseball player, he quickly forgot about it and proceeded with the video shoot. For a video that was a wee bit prematurely dubbed, “The best video ever,” by Andrea. I’d even wager that Andrea herself has appeared in several better videos. I’m willing to do the research if someone wants to send a couple my way.

The shoot proceeded with Tawny lording over the proceedings. This prompted purposeful freak Alexis Arquette (of the Family Arquette) to pronounce Tawny, “An asswipe.” One wonders, when Alexis wipes his ass, does he sometimes forget to untuck? By the way, I’ve decided to more or less ignore Alexis and his forced dialogue. Every other quote is sexual in nature and an attempt to be provocative. It’s incredibly annoying and cloying and pathetic. As a result, I refuse to play into it. (We’ll see how long that lasts.)

Carol Brady did her part in a black dress (and looked good doing it) and CC enjoyed being on camera again. Andrea, Mr. Jefferson, Alexis, and Maven sat around bored out of their (limited) minds. Andrea played with her boobs a bit and I think George yawned again. For you see, this was Tawny’s baby and she was running the show. She prepared for her big scene which required her to dress up in a ridiculous nun’s habit with pink fishnets and high heels. She went to the set and met with her scene partner – Saint Florence Henderson. Uh-oh.

Apparently, Mrs. Brady was “Raised by nuns,” and “can’t really do anything sacrilegious about nuns.” Wow, Mrs. Brady sucks. How did the nuns feel about her kissing gay Mike Brady for years on television? Or raising a television “son” who grew up to propose to that floozy Adrienne Curry? Or how about agreeing to appear on a show with such moral citizens as Alexis Arquette and CC Deville? Whatever, this video was all about Tawny anyway so when Mrs. Brady climbed in her limo and left, no one cared. (Yes, she actually left the shoot because Tawny Kitaen wore fishnets under a nun’s habit.)

Tawny then directed Tawny to stuff her body into a little dress so Tawny could reprise Tawny’s most famous Tawny role. I actually felt a little bad for her, as the dress looked awful, the fishnets didn’t work, and, well, let’s just say Tawny shouldn’t pretend to be sexy anymore. Alexis Arquette has a better body.

Is the back of her dress supposed to be closed?
Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth a little at that last sentence. (Though if you have ever seen the funniest non-Comedy Central show of the last few years – “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” you would know that some trannies can be hot. Gosh, I’ve been wondering how I could give that show props for a long while now.) The other cast members shot their little vignettes and the video shoot was wrapped, never to be seen or heard of again.

Back at the Surreal House, the gang gathered at the pool to celebrate actually sort of working for one day of their lives. A round of virgin margaritas appeared as did a bottle of tequila. Recently rehabbed Steve Harwell proceeded to pour the booze in the drinks while recently rehabbed CC eyed the liquor like a… Well, like a recently rehabbed alcoholic eyeing free tequila. Seriously, this was CC’s Abu Ghraib – pure torture. He was somehow able to deny the alcohol just as the gang noticed little notes attached to their glasses.

Hijinks! Those wacky producers had put “dares” on the glasses and before I knew it, Andrea was out of her little dress and into the pool butt naked. Gee, that’s just crazy. I had never seen such a thing on “The Surreal Life” before! Not Ron Jeremy, not Adrienne Curry, not Chyna, not Mini Me, not Trishelle Cannatella, not Brigitte Nielsen, not… You get the point. Tawny didn’t, however, as she pronounced Andrea, “A slut.” Sigh, the only reason this no name young woman was cast on this show was to do precisely that – get naked and jump in the pool. That’s what she signed up to do.

She didn’t sign up to get kissed full on the lips by CC Deville though – which is exactly what happened when she emerged from the water. Whoa! We’ve seen many romances blossom on previous seasons; Flava Flav/Brigitte, Peter Brady/Adrienne Curry, Chyna/Marcus, Bronson Pinchot/his right hand – do we have another? Nope, that was just CC’s dare. What else could the show’s producer’s possibly come up with?!

Apparently George Jefferson’s dare was, “Speak on camera” as at the 25 minute mark of the episode, he finally did just that for the first time. Alexis’ dare was to give someone a lapdance and he proceeded to do so to Maven. Maven then had to prance about in a “whipped cream bikini” which totally fell flat because the cream was warm and, well, it was just a retarded idea. The scene ended with a bunch of choice quotes from the transgendered media whore that I suppose were supposed to be funny and wacky and oh-so deliciously lurid – like, “All I know is he (Maven) has the hot beef filling for my soft taco anytime.” Um, dude, you don’t have a “soft taco” and Maven isn’t into dudes who dress like chicks and you’re not funny. I hate you.

They showed the Smashmouth video and it sucked. Apparently my rose-colored glasses broke somewhere during the show. Like at the 1 minute mark.