Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.
There was one throwaway line in this week’s Surreal Life that sums up the overall tone and feeling of the entire episode: Tawny Kitaen made some unfunny comment to the mayor of San Luis Obispo about his son which prompted the mayor to dourly respond, “My son passed away 15 years ago.” Ouch.
Ouch indeed. As Tawny was dealing with that punch in her flabby gut, we viewers were dealing with a similar feeling simply from watching the entire episode… The episode that went nowhere, accomplished nothing, and contained such emptiness that Friedrich Nietze was surely behind it all. After all, you can’t tell me that God is alive after seeing 7 nobodies doing nothing and VH1 pretending it’s entertaining.
And yet, I will still recap it. I’ll probably make up a bunch of stuff and allow a stream of consciousness style take over – simply to make up for the likes of Maven Huffman, Sherman Hemsley, Steve Harwell, and Florence Henderson – all four of which said a grand total of maybe 50 words this episode. Let’s see where my mind wanders, after the jump…The day began with CC Deville playing his guitar through a small amplifier early in the morning. Oh, I get it – you don’t drink anymore so you now take pleasure in waking up at the crack of dawn and playing “Alarm Clock” for the drinkers who may have hangovers. Nice. After Jimi Hendrix turned over in his grave, we were treated to several scenes of the housemates waking up and stretching. Yawn. (No, really, they showed some good yawn footage.)
The impromptu guitar solo really pissed everyone off, but no one more than Alexis Arquette, of the Family Arquette. He was already upset about something, so the noise only drove him over the edge. His complaints were what you’d expect from an emotionally stunted 4th grader – or, perhaps, a tranny with bad stubble. Alexis was talking to his roommate from home saying, “I’m really pissed. Everyone here thinks they’re so open minded but when we filmed the video yesterday, I was in the back of every scene.” Susan B. Anthony, Rosa Parks… Alexis Arquette.
What a douche bag – did he forget that 12 hours earlier he gave a straight man a lap dance and then proceeded to lick whipped cream from his crotch – all to approving laughter? Or that everyone in the house appears to go along with his absurd charade without uttering anything offensive?
The “Surreal Times” paper was delivered and the gang prepared for a road trip to San Luis Obispo. They were headed to KSBY to do something with the local newscast. It didn’t describe exactly what they would be doing, but everyone seemed pretty excited about the excursion. Knowing nothing about San Luis Obispo or KSBY, I checked out their website. KSBY is the local NBC affiliate (which shocked me) and two on-air personalities stand out. Hey, Sheri Small – do you always wear giant ribbons from condolence bouquets as brooches? And you, Daphne, is your unfortunate last name a product of birth or marriage? Cause I’d be thinking about changing that if I were you. That – or hitting the gym.
Alexis offered up a confessional vignette, reworking their destination’s name as “San Luis Obitcho.” Sigh… I take craps funnier than these people. Alexis was excited about the fancy “Rock and Roll tour bus” mode of transportation, reminiscing that, “The last time I was on one of these things I was going down on Marilyn Manson.” Discounting that this line appeared as though it was being read, and discounting that I don’t necessarily find it impossible to believe, it was still just typical Alexis blather. Why is everything about the shock and the sex to him? His world is defined by sex – and it’s not only annoying as hell, it’s (I’m sure) annoying to the Transwhatever “community” who are trying to show that they are relatively normal and productive folks. EdHill, help me out here.
On the trip up the coast, Tawny began asking Alexis some hard-hitting questions like, “When did you realize you were going to be an absolutely beautiful girl?” Alexis responded, “About the same time you got old and apparently went blind – about 15 years ago!” Actually, Alexis went on to explain himself a little bit and tried his best to describe the differences between the transsexuals, the transgendered, and the transvestites. He went on to explain the driveshaft mechanics of the Trans Am and the deleterious effects of trans fats on your arteries. In the end, Alexis noted that he is indeed a, “Pretty masculine girl.” As girls with penises and stubble tend to be.
Roles were assigned: Mrs. Brady – anchor, Mr. Jefferson – weatherman, CC Deville – sportscaster, Andrea Lowell – field reporter, Maven – field producer, Steve – field producer, Tawny – field reporter, and Alexis – executive producer. Oh no you di’int! Once again Alexis was ripshit over not being on camera – I know this because he told the camera that was filming him that put his comments on the show I’m watching which is serving as an advertising vehicle for his upcoming other show on A&E about his sex change operation. (Funny that Steve didn’t take up the cause for fat out-of-favor late 90′s lead singer discrimination and Maven didn’t exactly step up for the disenfranchised former WWE demographic – both of whom would not be in front of a camera either.)
Tawny was as upset as Alexis, though, at having to drive out to the center of town to do a report on the disappearance of the “water vane.” (Tawny is not smart.) But then the unthinkable happened – Mr. Jefferson spoke! Right at the halfway point of the show, he uttered, “Is it possible to get something to eat?” Bravo, my man, bravo. (For the record, Maven had yet to say a word.)
The rest of the show was simply a set-up for next week’s assured hijinks. CC was sent out to do a piece on an Ultimate Fighting Champion guy and fought some tough woman for a round or two in the ring. Mrs. Brady was upset that she had to write a lot of her own material. Tawny interviewed the local police man about the apparent theft and noted, “I didn’t want to look like an idiot talking about the ‘water vane’.” (Oh, the piece was to be about a weathervane, by the way.) Sherman ate some food and mumbled, “Mmmm, good.” Two lines in one show! He’s on fire!
At the 17 minute mark, Maven said his first line of the show and Andrea took her first drink. You see, Andrea was to report on some winery and she was enjoying all the free tastings. Alexis was very concerned that the little party girl would drink “on the job” and kept warning Steve to keep a watch over her. What Steve heard was, “Make sure Andrea doesn’t pass out,” apparently, as she rather lustily enjoyed several very full glasses of vino. I guess that showed me that Alexis is by no means a “real man,” though, for he’d then understand that Steve was simply trying to get a loose girl drunk for his own purposes. I mean… Duh!
Not content with downing a couple “normal” glasses of wine, the Tolusa Winery trotted out its wacky giant wine glass for all to see. You know, the one that’s a showpiece in the lobby and probably has about 3 inches of dust in it as a result? Yeah, well, Andrea didn’t care as she proceeded to guzzle some more wine from it. At that, Andrea’s attempts to look “bookish” by pulling her hair into a bun flew right out the window.
Everyone drove back to the station and had to edit their pieces in short order to get them ready for air. Mr. Jefferson was extremely nervous about his weather report, CC was, “Scared to death,” and was freaking out. He kept saying he didn’t think he could do it and needed drink. Tawny lost her tenuous ability to speak clearly. Andrea appeared to be drunk. And the newscast was going live in 3, 2, 1, …
Ok, so next week looks a bit more promising with Alexis getting into a fight with someone who calls him out for being a dude. And Mr. Jefferson’s uncaring pathetic live weather report looks to be sadly funny. As I was deleting this from my TiVo so as to not infect the other shows on there, the only thing “Surreal” about this season is that VH1 deemed it worthy of airing.
I’m still a little conflicted about this season – I guess, in a way, I totally deserve it. If you go back and skim my recaps of last season, you will read my pure unabashed hatred for those two skanks Omarosa and Janice Dickenson and about my dreams of a cast who weren’t such obvious and disgusting media whores. Now I’ve gotten that wish – in spades – and I’m bored out of my skull.
And when I’m bored, I dress him funny and do stuff like this to baby-dub.