Que Sera Surreal

Crack the champagne and light up that cigar, we made it to the hour-long finale of The Surreal Life 5, one of the most tiring, confounding, and annoying shows ever to air. The show was completely hijacked this season by the two most attention-starved media whores in history: Omarosa and Janice Dickinson. What began as a moderately interesting “made for reality TV” little rivalry a couple months ago rapidly descended into a Hieronymus Bosch hellscape. I would never have watched this series through to the end had I not been “on assignment.” Those two old crows constantly bitching and clawing at each other became too much for me to bear – however, I guess the race to the photo finish to determine who would be crowned “Woman I Hate Most” would hold my interest. The winner will be announced by the end of the recap.
In the beginning it was definitely Janice Dickinson who looked to be the clear-cut winner; hurling offensive insults at retarded children, picking fights for no reason, refusing to partake in various activities, bitching at everything, and drunkenly exposing her crotch-rot to the innocent world. Then, sensing her time in the Surreal House would be for naught if she didn’t step up the nonsense, Omarosa turned up the bitch factor. Then she kicked it in to warp speed over the last few episodes, overtaking Janice for the lead in BitchRace 05 – cackling, hurling endless insults, and doing whatever she could do to drive Janice insane. Er, I mean, drive Janice even more insane.

The episode opened with a recap of its own, showing some of the most memorable images of the season… Balki being a pervert, Carey riding a motorcycle, Balki being pervy again, Caprice in a bikini, Balki being more of a pervert than before, Jose in drag, Balki rubbing his boner on Caprice’s butt, Janice holding the knife, Balki preparing his masturbatorium, Omarosa calling Janice a crackhead while she cried about incest, Balki f*cking a bowl of Jell-O, and on and on. Caprice summed up the experience for all of us when she mentioned just how “exhausting” it all was, what with Janice and Omarosa constantly fighting. Except when Caprice, she of the family Caprice, daughter of the Duke of Mission Viejo who is son of the Earl of Fresno speaks in her faux-British accent, she’s “ex-hous-ted.” Nice to see that those “Learn to Fake an English Accent” books on tape from Madonna are finally paying off for the California lass.

After the quick look back, we were treated to some spycam footage of the last full day in the house. Omarosa answered a phone call and asked who was calling. The caller said he was Janice’s lawyer and Omarosa rather pleasantly handed the phone over to her nemesis. Janice discussed the situation with him and claimed that she simply couldn’t sleep the prior night (citing “emotional distress”) and that she was hurt by the things Omarosa had said and that she planned on suing her for defamation. Since this is Hollywood and this is 2005, and lawyers are scum, the lawyer agreed that they had a case. Janice did say that if Omarosa issued a full public retraction and apology, no lawsuit would be brought. Immediately thereafter, since she knew the lawyer just called, Omarosa DID apologize in the privacy of the bathroom, thinking that no cameras or microphones would pick it up. Because, y’know, then her “fans” wouldn’t be treated to the “reality TV villain they love to watch.” Sucks for her that the microphones did pick up the apology, loud and clear.

The funny thing is when poor Janice would mention this apology anytime later on the show, no one believed her. But enough about those two wenches for the moment. The other people on this show that you’ve no doubt forgotten about already were trying to have some fun without knives, threats, screeches, taunts, or insults. Carey said, “We’re talking about Caprice’s soiled panties,” when Balki entered the room. This rather gross how-do-you-do actually fried Balki’s circuits as he remained in stunned silence. Then Jose, figuring it was his last chance to do so, tried to work some of that sexy Latin charm to score a kiss from Caprice. He was playing some juvenile game to bag his quarry, but Balki then had to overthink the whole silly thing by laying out just what kind of kiss it would be. “Open or closed mouth? Tongue action? Full on head bobbing slobbering kiss? Etc, etc, etc.” I guess if you hadn’t been kissed for 18 years, you’d be a bit over the top as well.

But then Balki completely ruined the whole thing (not that it was going to happen anyway) by blurting out, “If you give him a kiss, then you have to give me a kiss or I will kill myself.” Sigh… Do this: Blow up a balloon – a nice, big, pretty balloon. Look at it, enjoy it, and perhaps even play with it. Then let the air out all at once. You are now holding Balki in your hand. Talk about a cockblocker… The sad thing is, he probably doesn’t even get it. But I’m fairly certain he’s the only cast member that will have gone home to Google himself regarding his appearance on this show. Since I’ve never called him his real name, chances are he hasn’t stumbled upon our fair blog. Well, BRONSON PINCHOT Surreal Life, here’s hoping that BRONSON PINCHOT Surreal Life enjoys what he finds here. Because BRONSON PINCHOT Surreal Life needs to know what a creepy, perverted, emotionally stunted cockblocker he is – for the sake of his friendships. Hey, I’m here to help.

Next, the gang was told to dress up and prepare for their last dinner together. Actually the show thought to work in some Christian iconography by calling it the “Last Supper.” Unfortunately, I don’t think Omarosa or Janice is going to go get arrested and killed by angry Roman mobs. Though damn, that would be totally sweet. Either one, I don’t care.

The ladies put on gowns and the guys, ties. Caprice apparently ran out of clothes and wore a hijab, but around her body. It was very revealing, to say the least. Balki got all hot and bothered by it, noting that “Caprese Salad” was on the menu for the night and that he’d “been trying to eat that for a week.” His tablemates simply groaned so Balki covered saying, “I’m totally kidding!” The weird thing is that he said that in his Balki accent from 15 years ago! The line, just as then, fell completely flat. He then got excited about the chicken “breast” and asked Pepa to sprinkle herself all over his body. This show can’t end fast enough.

The gang was in a surprisingly good mood (more relief than anything, I think) as they looked at pictures of their experiences in the house and decided that their last night would be nothing but fun. Riiiiiiight… Suuuurrrrre. With only a few more hours possible for Omarosa and Janice to score some camera time, you just knew shit would be hitting the fan in 5, 4, 3, 2, … Omarosa offered up a prayer to bless the meal. “Dear God, we come to you ‘umbly…” ‘Umbly’? I looked it up, and “humbly” has a hard ‘h’ no matter where you’re from or how smart you think you are.

Janice immediately followed up with her own mock prayer, stating, “Rub a dub dub, stick my face in the grub.” Oh, the horror. I mean, Omarosa is obviously a very pious woman and this was just an affront to her faith. Y’know, the one that says, “Thou shalt not lie” rather prominently? During dinner, Janice did everything she could to get under Omarosa’s skin. She belched profusely, she re-enacted the knife incident, and she said, “Let’s toast to Omarosa’s beauty -you just need a little Botox between your eyes.” 10 minutes into the hour and it was all downhill from here – thanks Janice! You should change your name to… You ready for this? Jamean! Can you tell I grew up watching Full House?

Discussion turned to Omarosa’s kiss with Jose during the “Survivor” thing in Vegas (it was forced by the game). Janice feigned sickness and pretended to vomit all over the floor. I thought to myself, “That was exceedingly convincing,” which Janice confirmed by now referring to herself as “a former bulimic!” One must wonder, was she the World’s First Superbulimic? Then she stumbled over to Jose and jumped on him in an effort to jam her tongue down his throat, lest Omarosa be the only one to kiss Jose. It was all very forced and awkward and annoying – Janice in a nutshell. She did one last knife incident act, and then declared, “This show ain’t over til the fat lady sings… Omarosa?” Burn! That would have been so much better if Omarosa had an ounce of fat on her. Oh well, it was time to get serious anyway.

The sicko Surreal Life producers then forced each cast member to play a little game called “One Last Thing.” This was essentially a horrible little Truth or Dare game, without the dare part. First up was Balki who read his card, “tell us about your father.” Wow, all season we’ve known there was something lurking beneath the surface with this guy, and apparently the producers wanted to know as well. Judging by his inappropriate sexual overtures and cryfest after Janice’s incest story, we certainly assumed something we didn’t really want to hear occurred in Balki’s past. “When I was little, he used to drink a lot. He was violent with my mother. He was crazy. He tried to kill my mother…” He then trailed off into a pool of justified tears and heaving sobs. Gee, this was fun.

Caprice was next and instead of asking her to do her best British accent, her card asked her to flash Balki as a favor to him. This was pretty funny because a) it lightened up the mood for a moment, b) Balki’s been dreaming of seeing her boobs every moment of every day and when he got a chance to see them, he was uncontrollably crying about his derelict dad, and c) while she didn’t flash Balki, her fabric scrap of a shirt actually did flash those sitting behind and next to her. Irony overload.

Jose was up next and was asked to talk about the night he contemplated suicide. So he did… And it was pretty heavy. Something about loving his 2nd wife but not getting any love in return and a gun and his newborn daughter’s existence saving his life. Jose shed some tears and Janice began a series of weird, almost burp-cries. Like strange intermittent outbursts of loud crying followed immediately by a minute or so of complete silence. Those antibiotics, boy, they do some crazy shit to a person.

Next, Carey discussed life with Pink. Or, more accurately, life without Pink because this “game” was all about the tears. He waxed on about losing her a couple years ago, wrecking his body, unemployment, vodka, painkillers and… Redemption! Yay, a happy ending! Except, well, he’s still with Pink. Oh well, can’t win ‘em all.

The buildup now complete, Omarosa was next. “Talk about your marriage,” said her card. It should have actually said, “talk about your failed marriage.” As you may or may not know, Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth is now hyphen- and Stallworth-less. Yes, her husband divorced her fairly recently and immediately entered the Federal Witness Protection plan. At least I hope he did – or at least a very good hypnotherapist in an effort to erase all memories of being married to the wench. Omarosa, hardly fazed by the question, merely smiled her Cheshire Horse smile and brushed it off saying they were still best friends but had grown apart. Janice demanded more and asked her to open up more, but Omarosa wouldn’t budge.

Finally, it was Janice’s turn. Would her card address her alleged drug abuse? Delve again into her heartwrenching incest story? No, instead the card said, “ask Omarosa for an apology.” Before that could happen, we were treated to yet another montage of Omarosa being the cold hearted lying bitch she loves to be. Omarosa bristled at the suggestion and warbled, “Absolutely not! Cackle cackle cackle, I stand by all the names.” Janice, for the first time since she had her larynx worked on (I figure she’s had plastic surgery on every part of her body), was shocked into silence.

Personally, I couldn’t have cared less and seeing Omarosa act like that had no effect on me at all. However, during the commercials, I did see something that left me agog. VH1 is actually selling a 3 DVD set of this mess. Who the hell would buy this crap? For one, VH1 replays the damn show every few days and do we really need to hear all the curse words? Is that “extra footage” worth your hard-earned 35 bucks? Perhaps Omarosa convinced the producers that she actually does have fans and that they are so retarded, they’d actually shell out for the worst DVD ever. Sheesh.

After the break, Omarosa reiterated what she thought of Janice: “I think you are a drug addict and a drunk and a bad mother.” Janice then asked what she thought was her ace in the hole – “Why did you apologize to me this morning?” Remember that no one really believed that she had, so Omarosa was able to brush that off stating that she was merely joking. Janice, now clearly hurt and angry screamed, “Well, there ain’t no joke coming out of my ass!” Listen, we all say stupid shit when we’re angry and drunk – ooops, I mean, on antibiotics. But “there ain’t no joke coming out of my ass?” Oh Janice, lay off the penicillin, dearie. She went on to threaten the defamation lawsuit and accused Omarosa of “stabbing everyone in the back of their backs.” Which, of course, means stabbing in the chest, which is nowhere near as bad as stabbing someone in his or her back. I fully expected Omarosa to point this out, being a victim of seven stabbings and all, but she let it go.

Omarosa, now clearly with the upper bitch hand, kept digging while wearing that evil Joker smile. “Janice, I’m only trying to help you. I’m doing this for your children.” Ah yes, the children. The one subject that sends Janice over the edge. Or, in her case, the edge over the edge – kinda like stabbing someone in the back of their back, but mine makes more sense somehow. Omarosa continued, “I like [Janice] too much to see her destroy herself.” She kept pressing Janice’s buttons, repeating that she loved her, and that entering treatment would be best for the kids. I’ll give Omarosa credit – she was certainly winning the BitchRace 05 at this point. Janice was losing it – and how!

Janice began screaming at everyone else to band with her in solidarity and stand up to Omarosa’s insidious fake-nice evil tactics. At this point, the other five folks were so sick and tired of the Janice/Omarosa show, they all just sat there, playing with their food, staring at the ceiling. No one said a word and no one gave a crap. Just two heinous bitches yelling at each other while fighting for ink and camera time. Carey simply got up and walked away, the rest just stared blankly. Later, Jose admitted that he refused to do anything because, “every time I’ve tried to help a woman, I’ve become incarcerated.” Hmmm, perhaps someone should help Jose out with the meaning of the word “Help.” Help, hit, hinder, hurt… I guess they all start with an h. And now that he’s been forcefully kissed by Janice, throw in Hepatitis as well. (Completing his Hep-abet. Hep A from jail, Hep B from Madonna, and Hep C from Janice! Now he can move on to his next goal – learning the rest of the alphabet.)

Now that all hell had broken loose, Janice proved she was a student of Surreal Life 4. Just as the Amazon Chyna tried to drunkenly/antibiotically climb through a window (which reminds me, we’ve now had 3 very tall drug/antibiotic/drink women in a row: Brigitte Neilson, Chyna, and Janice) then, Janice tried it now. Pepa, however, lazily held her back wearing a look that said, “Oh come now, Janice, you’re not really going to climb out this window, because it’s too dark out there for the cameras to work. And really, why wouldn’t you just walk out one of the 10 doors this mansion has?”

Surprisingly, Janice did actually break free and climbed outside. For some reason, Pepa then followed her right out the kitchen window. Me? I’d have walked to the door that was undoubtedly 3 feet away. Janice was livid outside, citing that no one came to her defense and therefore no one had any integrity. What she failed to realize was that everyone was SO F*CKING TIRED OF THEIR ENDLESS BULLSHIT that no one wanted to deal with it anymore. Omarosa is no better, failing to realize that the world hates her in a completely disinterested way. She cooed, “I’m not going to apologize; my fans like me when I’m naughty.” Sigh, I promised not to get worked up over these two losers and I won’t.

Janice was now threatening to leave the show (all of 12 hours before she’d be forced to anyway) and called Omarosa “Mr. Ed-on-Crack-Face.” While I enjoyed that, I’m sure it would have made more sense if I were on some, um, amoxicillin or something. Pepa, urging Janice to stick around, was telling her about why she shouldn’t leave the property: “It’s animals out there, it’s late, it’s hills, it’s cold…” Um, Pepa, how about, “It’s no cameras.” That would have done the trick right quick. This nonsense went on outside for a while, as even smooth-talking Balki couldn’t convince her to come back inside. Meanwhile, Omarosa was inside gloating about how happy she was. Seriously, what level of reality TV-whoredom must one reach to be happy about winning BitchRace 05? Because as Janice finally crawled into the Surreal Van and the show secured a car to take her away, Omarosa did indeed win the race. She had beaten Janice at her own game – needling, annoying, pushing buttons, lying, and, well, being the biggest bitch on the show.

Omarosa called her mother to gloat and showed her compassionate side by saying, “Janice needs Jesus.” Right. Because look at what he’s done for Omarosa. Gotten her a string of garbage reality shows, guided her to be proud of being a royal bitch, and taught her how to deceive and lie and get divorced and fired and lie and cheat some more. Then the coolest thing happened: Jesus, completely fed up with egomaniacal asshats like Omarosa using his name to justify their selfish actions, turned her mother into a phone. It was AWESOME, in the truest sense of the word:

As Janice prepared to leave in the car the show had called for her, she hid her face from the cameras like a mob guy going to trial. Why? I can only assume her crying had sloughed off a few of the layers of her face spackle and her inner android was showing. The car arrived, she crawled in, and that was that. As the car sped off into the night, I swear I heard Janice order, “Driver! To the nearest antibiotic dealer! Now!”

Back inside, Omarosa wore her bitch crown with glee and gloated some more about getting rid of Janice. Yippee for her and her giant choppers. Now go away forever. Before the end, the remaining gang had a fun little food fight with the celebratory cake. The next morning, everyone packed up and eagerly anticipated their rides out of the Hollywood Hills. Balki, in one final embarrassing moment, was shown packing up his designer luggage. And by “designer” I mean Costco-sized “Kleenex” and by “luggage” I mean “cardboard box.” Caprice had a few nice things to say about Balki, Carey just said the whole thing sucked with the BitchRace going on, Pepa promised to “do lunch,” and Jose was actually gracious in the end.

“Perfect Strangers” isn’t doing so well in syndication

Balki left next and reflected upon the clown mouth front door motif, and I’m not making this up… “The clown mouth should have been a vagina because the house was infected with the bad estrogen.” Remind me again why Balki doesn’t get laid? That left Omarosa, who lapped up the perceived notion that she was the star of the show. She summed up her Surreal Life experience saying, “I was going to be the villain people want to see. I will continue to provide entertainment and I have no regrets and no reservations.” She actually believes this shit – and that, in the end, does disturb me. I, for one, do NOT want to see this empty-headed morally bankrupt ugly assface on my TV ever again. And I’m sure with the massive sphere of influence I have with this blog, we could start a movement.

Are you with me, people?! We can start by making her Wikipedia entry even more negative. We’ll go from there.