Recap: The Surreal Life: Weiner-dogged

By Treadingonme

Every day at work I look forward to reading the recaps of some of my favorite shows on TVgasm.  Or sometimes I just enjoy reading recaps of shows I hate but think the recaps are hilarious.  But this past Wednesday when I was checking TVgasm for the second time that morning, I saw that it had been blocked by the company firewall.  Now I’ve been robbed of burning anywhere between 10 and 45 minutes a day thanks to that.  So I’ve stopped working in protest.  I know that doesn’t relate to the show at all; I’m mainly just looking for sympathy.   This week the show opens up on the B-list side of the house with Manny stepping in dog shit, and I can’t help but somehow think that it’s a perfect allegory for life on the B-list side of the house.   

Last week Verne was gone because he had a prior engagement, and I neglected to point that out because his only appearance on the episode was to say he’d be gone.  Well he’s back this week and he’s ready to carry the B-listers on his shoulders.  Plus, he’s low to the ground, so the low center of gravity will be extremely helpful carrying all that weight.  Ok, maybe he won’t really carry them all on his shoulders.   

We see the A-listers with a breakfast prepared for them, fresh orchids in a vase, and Ron is getting a massage by the pool.  If there was a happy ending I’m glad it wasn’t shown.   

Shortly after that, Traci is hanging out on the A-list side with Ron, and she’s not wearing any makeup.  She’s also missing eyebrows, which I thought was very strange, as her eyebrows don’t look fake when she’s wearing makeup, but apparently they are.  And please don’t judge my masculinity just because I noticed eyebrows.  But anyways, Traci has been having a rough time with life on the B-list, and Ron makes a joke about it, which is her cue to leave and go stew in her resentment for being on the B-list.   

Immediately after that we see Chyna Doll, Brigitte and Traci in their B-list bedroom complaining about the separation between the A-list and B-list and Traci says that there’s a reality to it.  It’s around this point of the show that I realize that most of these celebrities are terribly insecure with their “celebrity” status, and they think that this show reflects on where they actually stand in society. Luckily for them, by agreeing to come on this show they’ve solidified that they’ll never be anywhere near the actual A-list.  I’m not a big fan of Brigitte or Chyna Doll, but, despite her complaining, I like Traci and I wish she was less desperate for acceptance and instead was able to realize the show for what it is: a joke and something she should have fun with.  She could learn a thing or two from Manny.   

After that discussion Brigitte calls Matti, her boyfriend, and complains to him that she’s not happy in the house and wants to go home.  Funny that she has a boyfriend.  Especially since she just said last week that she knows that Ron likes her, but she wants him to like her more.  That and apparently her and Ron had some sort of agreement to shower together or something.  But I’m not one to judge.  (Note: I AM one to judge.) 

After that everyone gathers for a message from Robin Leach and he says the A-listers will have a world famous chef giving them private cooking lessons.  Then he says the B-listers will be getting a feast of a different sort.  I was holding out hope that they would get dog food.   

Well the chef was none other than Todd English, owner of Olives restaurant.  They’re making lobster and asparagus spaghetti carbonara.  Following the chef telling everyone the menu for the evening, we see the triumphant return of Ron’s Name-Drop-O-Meter, continued from last week.   

The B-listers didn’t get quite the same treat as the A-listers.  Instead they got hot dogs.  Yes, a hot dog cart showed up outside.  Chyna Doll makes a joke that the B-listers got “weiner-dogged.”  Hilarious!  I laughed for about 20 straight minutes.   She actually did have quite a laugh to herself afterwards, but it was probably the best joke she’s heard that included the word weiner and not was at her expense in a long, long time.  Oh, I kid.   

Unfortunately, Traci couldn’t get a hot dog because she’s a vegetarian and there was no meat-free alternative.  The vendor mentioned something about getting your order in early, so I wonder if VH1 made the mistake or Traci was just too lazy when they asked about special requests (or maybe her assistant was lazy).  Luckily the vendor gave her a pickle on a bun.  And she complains about the A-listers getting special treatment. 

The A-listers invited the B-listers into the A-list side, and Manny led a Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea-esque speech about how the poor treatment should be the motivation for the challenge the next day against the A-listers.  Then he got eaten by a shark.  I was surprised by the similarities to Deep Blue Sea. 

While the A-listers were still finishing their meals, Pepa requested the parmesan cheese, which just happened to be in the kitchen, where the B-listers were conspiring.  The A-listers thought they should have a B-lister grate their parmesan for them, and Traci obliged.   Cue Traci complaining about the unfairness that the A-listers get great treatment.   

While everyone is sitting down at the A-list table, CC notices that Brigitte is absent from the festivities.  Rob goes to get her and gives her some sangria, and she decides to join everyone.  But after a few minutes of watching everyone eat, especially Ron, that was more than she could handle and she left back to the B-list side of the house again.   

At the conclusion of dinner, the A-listers get a wad of 100 $1 bills to spend at the champagne room out back of the house where Robin has arranged for some stripping entertainment.  The B-listers are also invited, but they don’t get any money.  Vanilla Ice, however, being married, says he’s not interested and gives his entire stack of singles to Verne, who then promptly spends almost all of them on two of the girls.   

Some of the girls come back with the celebrities intot he house, and Ron is giving one of the girls a tour.  When they get to the bedroom, Ron points out Rob’s bed and the stripper immediately climbs on it.  And finally we get to see the Rob we all know and love: Crazy Psycho Furious Rob.   

Well first he was complaining about Ron bringing in the girl to the bedroom and how she got on his bed.  Ron was saying she just sat on the bed, blatantly lying to Rob, because the girl was totally lying on it.  Rob says “This looks like a fucking whore house now!” and he walked away.  Traci did not like this for some reason and went chasing after him. 

Basically there was a giant screaming argument about Rob calling the girls whores.  Traci was so upset that he was calling the girls whores.  Rob clarified: he said it looks like a whore house.  He never at any point called the girls whores.  Aside from how asinine this whole conversation was, the entire time it was going on, while Traci was arguing that the girls weren’t strippers and they were just dancers, a girl was standing in the picture wearing a “Scores Las Vegas” shirt.   

Finally, after what I can only assume was about 20 minutes of this argument and Rob repeating EXACTLY what he said at least 5 times, Manny came in and somehow explained to Traci what Rob said.  She apologized and that was that.  I was really hoping for some first-class destruction from Rob, but all we got was loads of yelling.   

The next day was the first day of the competition, where the B-listers compete against the A-listers, and one member from the losing team is going home.  The challenge is for the teams to trash a hotel room.  Each member gets 30 seconds for destruction, and then the next person continues until everyone has gone.  Judging the competition is the original drummer for Guns n’ Roses, Steven Adler.  What, no Gilby Clarke?  CC mentions that Steven is an acquaintance of his, but I was hoping for someone who I knew had done some crazy partying in hotel rooms.  Maybe someone from Motley Crue.  But then we would have had to worry about hair-band turf warfare, and nobody wants that, so in hindsight maybe this was the right decision after all.   

Right before everyone starts, Steven says that creativity is good.  Rob is the first one in for the A-listers, and he basically destroys the entire place immediately.  Traci was first for the B-listers, and this was actually terrible planning by the B-listers.  By the time Verne went in, everything was too heavy or high for him to get, so he couldn’t do much.  It would have been much wiser for him to go first.   

Chyna Doll was the final competitor for the B-listers, and instead of running in, like everyone else, she just walks in.  Now, Chyna Doll is obviously the strongest of the bunch of B-listers, so her destruction could have been massive, but she didn’t do anything.   She walked in with her purse, took off her goggles, took off her gloves, put on her sunglasses and walked out.   

The B-listers were understandably pissed, but Brigitte tried reasoning that what Chyna Doll did was very creative.  Brigitte also thinks President Bush has found a creative solution to global warming.  In addition to that, she has a creative knowledge of American politics and common sense.   

Obviously the winners were the A-listers, so the B-listers had to nominate three people to play Back to Reality.  Because they sucked, were upset that someone sucked, and want to leave, the people nominated were Chyna Doll, Verne and Brigitte respectively.  When confronted about why she did nothing, Chyna Doll said “I really don’t feel like going in and trashing anything or anybody.  It’s yucky.  Sends a yucky message.”  Then she said “Doody booger fart poopypants.”  She didn’t really say that last part, but she did say that she’s not the destructive wrestler-type any more.  Apparently she’s also not a ‘competitor’ anymore, since that is what is required in a ‘competition.’ 

Back from commercial we see Inga (who I could find absolutely no information about on the Interwebs) tell us that we’ll be playing Surreal Connections, which is like Six Degrees of Separation.  Ron Jeremy says while Kevin Bacon is six degrees from everyone in Hollywood, Ron Jeremy is three degrees from everyone.  No delusions here.  Nope.  None at all.   

Players get 2 points for getting the question right, without a hint, but they can ask for a hint and get 1 point if they get the question right.  Chyna Doll is up first, and she needs to be connected to The Rock.  She gets 5 points from her round, which doesn’t seem too difficult.  The first question is two easy points, so all anyone else needs is three more points to tie Chyna Doll.  Up next is Verne, and he gets his first question, and then struggles through the rest, only amassing 3 points.  He claims that he knew the producers and directors of all of the movies, but he just couldn’t think of the titles.  He’s obviously lying, but he actually wants to win, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.   

Last is Brigitte, who has been complaining all episode about not being happy and wanting to leave.  She gets her first question right, so she only needs two more points to beat Verne.  So the question is, will she throw the rest of the questions or will she try to win?   

It’s sort of a trick question.  She stupidly guessed the connection between Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone to be Basic Instinct, which she apparently was trying to get wrong.  She was incredibly upset about having to stay, so the producers allowed her to switch places with Verne so she could go home and he stays.  And the episode ended with her leaving.   

So what did you think about the episode?  Will the B-listers regret still having Chyna (it looks from the previews that she loses it again next week)?  Will there be some sort of competition that will make the B-listers regret not having two women with extremely masculine appearances?  Will Ron Jeremy get up to 15 names dropped next week?  And who the hell is Inga?