The Surreal Life: Dear Ron, Please Lock the Door

I wish I could decode what his shirt says. DAMN TAPE!

On Sunday I woke up with a terrible hangover and a cut on my eye that I am not entirely sure how I received. Let me just say right now that watching The Surreal Life Fame Games is a terrible cure for a hangover. Also, I think that this episode in particular was terrible for a hangover because I nearly lost my lunch after seeing a certain scene involving Ron Jeremy. However, I guess those are just the risks you run when you begin drinking at 1:30 p.m. on St. Patrick’s Day (it was a late start), you don’t get home until 2:45 a.m. from the bar, and it’s your job to recap The Surreal Life. This is the life I lead. So let’s find out what nearly made me lose my lunch.

The house must be terribly boring now that more and more people are being eliminated, because this week, rather than introduce the show with something that actually happened in the house, the first thing that happens is the cast gets a message from Robin Leach. I guess you can only show so many clips of everyone waking up hungover. Ron decided to bring his turtle, the aptly named “Turtle,” to watch the message as well, because, according to his logic, if he ends up going home this week, Turtle would also be affected. Cut to the turtle cursing its slow speed, as it tries to get away from Ron, but ultimately fails.

Robin told everyone that Oscar B. Goodman, the mayor of Las Vegas, has requested to meet them today, so that’s what their morning will consist of. I thought it was only sensible that the Mayor would be asking them politely, yet sternly, to get the F out of Vegas pronto. Even Vegas has its standards.

Everyone goes down to City Hall and is waiting in the Mayor’s office, and Rob managed to dress for the occasion, wearing an “Advisory Pimps & Hos Explicit Content” t-shirt. At least Traci and Pep (and Ron to a lesser extent) managed to look like they were meeting someone of importance. I know Ice has probably met a lot of famous people in the past, but personally if I were meeting the Mayor, I’d probably wear something without the word “Hos” in the title. But maybe that’s why I’m not famous.

Well, Mayor Goodman busts into his office and shows that he is quite the actor by acting surprised that the Surreal Life cast is in there. He makes Sir Laurence Olivier look like Keanu Reeves, he’s that good. I kid the Mayor, but in all fairness, he lists drinking as his favorite hobby, and that’s totally awesome.

Wait, what?

The Mayor comes in, shakes everyone’s hand, and then as he shakes Verne’s hand last, he says “Mini-me.” Well, if you know anything about Verne Troyer, you realize that he hates being referred to as Mini-me. So the Mayor starts to go on his spiel about whatever reason he invited the Surreal Lifers there, but Verne is trying to interrupt him. Then we got into a little battle of who could be more stubborn: the Mayor in not being interrupted, or Verne in his ability to interrupt the Mayor. Also, as Verne is trying to interrupt, the Mayor says, “Now wait a second, I’m bigger than you are.” Personally I kind of think Verne should relax about Mini-me or whatever, but I also think that the Mayor was kind of out of line in making that joke about being bigger than Verne. But, of course, it is entirely possible that the Mayor had already partaken in his favorite hobby earlier that morning.

Ultimately Verne won out, and then the Mayor apologized and continued on his spiel. So what is the reason for the Surreal Life cast to meet Mayor Goodman? He is naming that day Surreal Life Day in Las Vegas and they’re all getting keys to the city. I do not want to know how they celebrate Surreal Life Day in Las Vegas, because I assume it involves delusional celebrities, Chyna Doll, Alexis Arquette, and more tantrums than I can imagine. Oh, and possibly Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen making out grossly.

Everybody is pretty excited about this, because while some of them have received keys to cities before, I think it’s pretty safe to say it’s been a while for them. Ron in particular is ecstatic about it, and he says that keys to the city are reserved for big celebrities, big champions, heroes to the city, and then he says, “Wayne Newton, Steve Wynn, and Carrot Top. That’s as A-list as you get.” I refuse to believe that Carrot Top is as A-list as you can get. Also, in the city I grew up in, they gave a key to the city to a dog. Not quite the same as Vegas, and that dog got the best seat in every restaurant after that, but certainly not as A-list as you can get.

Can they tell I can’t read?

The Mayor also gives everyone “Good Luck Mayor Chips” that will give the house members good luck. Traci says that she knows she’ll need that chip at sometime, because she needs all the luck she can get right now. I’m not positive she knows that that chip, which the Mayor had hundreds of, is not actually redeemable.

Mayor Goodman tells everyone that he was a mob lawyer (which VH1 already showed us) but that he loves being the mayor. Upon hearing that, Ron starts listing names of distant relatives of his that were in the mob. The Mayor says “Uh-huh,” being polite, and it’s very possible he recognizes the names. However, then Ron goes on to say something else about how his uncle partnered with Bugsy a couple of times, the fantastic, minuscule point guard for the Charlotte Hornets back in the 90′s. The Mayor begins to change the subject in an effort to get everyone out, and then Ron cuts him off again to say something. The Mayor then begins physically pushing everyone out of his office, and I think he made a ethnic slur to Ron since he wouldn’t shut up. Technically that didn’t happen, but I like to think the Mayor wanted everyone out bad enough that the pushing could have at least happened.

Back at the house, Ron and Traci are talking a little bit about the competition. Then she asks him whether he really considers himself an A-list or B-list celebrity. Thankfully, reasonably, Ron says that there’s no way he’s a real A-lister because a real A-lister doesn’t come on the Surreal Life. Then we see Traci’s face and hear a sad trombone. Sorry!

We didn’t hear a sad trombone really, but Ron, perhaps recognizing that he was forcing Traci into a sad cognizance, said that Traci was on the A-list when she was on Baywatch and will be back on the A-list soon. She likened her experience in the house, being A-list, then dropping down to B-list, then coming back to the A-list, to everyone’s career. She also says that she’s ready to kick ass in the game, which, to me, didn’t seem related to the question she asked Ron in the first place. Sometimes when I try to understand what these people are trying to say on this show I get confused. Traci also said that now that she’s got her lucky chip, she’s even better off than before. Perhaps she didn’t notice when Mayor Goodman gave EVERYONE a lucky chip, which would therefore cancel out any lucky edge she would have over everyone else. Everyone knows the rules of lucky chips. I mean, it’s so blatantly obvious, how could she not understand?

Later that night, Ron Jeremy was on a mission. That mission: find a toilet immediately. Perhaps he’d had some bad Mexican food, and Pep was in his bathroom, so he asked which of Traci’s bathrooms he could use (I think one bathroom is Traci’s and the other may have been used by the other girls who used to stay in that room). She said she didn’t care, so he picked one. Well, apparently Ron wasn’t just in and out, which might have confused Traci. Why would anyone stay in the bathroom for longer than 30 seconds? She walked over to the bathroom door Ron didn’t go through and opened it, looking for him. He wasn’t in there, so she went to the other door and opened it.

I have some advice for Traci. 1. Don’t go randomly barging into bathrooms. 2. Don’t go randomly barging into bathrooms containing Ron Jeremy. 3. Don’t go into bathrooms containing Ron Jeremy who may or may not be dropping a deuce. Also, note to Ron Jeremy: If there’s a lock on a bathroom door, please, please, please for the love of God, use it.

Yeah, this pretty much epitomizes THE SURREAL LIFE in one frame

There was Ron, sitting on the toilet, saying, “Don’t come in here,” and we hear Traci ask, “Are you taking a crap?” I really, really hope Traci was drunk when this happened. Ron had obviously been in the bathroom for a while, he was obviously sitting down, and it obviously smelled. Apparently recognizing the obvious isn’t one of her strong points.

Well, Traci took this opportunity to invite Rob to come and wonder at the bewildering spectacle that is Ron Jeremy taking a shit. Rob started cracking up, obviously, and then we saw various clips of them lighting things to clear up the smell (am I wrong, or did Traci light a joint and hold it inside the door? I have absolutely no idea what it could have been, and I’m not very experienced in the world of marijuana, so feel free to enlighten me if I’m totally wrong). Traci told us that she was just having fun with Ron, and she wanted to knock him off his pedestal. Poor word choice; she could have said she wanted to knock him off his throne (rimshot!). I apologize for that.

Ron then told us that Traci really made him mad this time, because she’s making an “ass” out of him. I think that was one of his clever jokes. He can get mad all he wants, but he totally left himself open to it by shitting with the door unlocked. And, besides, why would anybody want to see that?

When we returned from the commercial break, I saw about 30 seconds of a gray screen, and for a second I got really excited that this was how the rest of the show was going to go. Unfortunately, I wasn’t quite so lucky. There was another message alert about the challenge for the day, and Robin mentions that he’s bringing by people who “love” the house members very much. I was hoping that the Fame Gamers would get really excited about who they were going to see, maybe expecting to see family members or something, but the editors included no speculation. It’s probably just as good that they didn’t, because it probably would have been boring anyways.

The people who were actually coming to see the cast were their number one fans! Traci’s fan was all decked out in Baywatch garb:

“Didi is your biggest tooth– FAN, I mean fan.

Did I say tooth? Thats just weird, isn’t that weird?”

Rob’s fan was pretty normal-looking, Pep’s fan had the crazy eye, Ron’s fan (a woman) supposedly fell in love with him when she saw him on Surreal Life (hellooo self-promotion!), and Verne’s fan was actually a pretty hot woman. Verne’s fan, named Monique, we’re told thinks Verne is “cuter than kittens.” So, not really cute in an “I’d like to have a physical relationship” way, and more in a “Let me dress you up and play with you like a baby” way. Robin also tells us that Monique wants to hold Verne in her bosom, so I’d guess that Verne will allow you to describe him however you want if you hold him in your bosom. Bonus points for ample bosoms. Verne and I are very alike in this manner.

We learn that the challenge this week is that the celebrities and their number one fans need to remain touching at all times. Each pair is fitted with a device that beeps incredibly annoyingly whenever they lose contact. As soon as a team is eliminated, the fan must immediately leave the house. The first three people who lose contact will be forced to play in the Back to Reality game.

You know what, this caption is just too easy.

If there’s anything we’ve learned about endurance competitions, it’s that for the most part they’re incredibly boring. Some of the cast members decided that they would wrap something around their fans finger so it wouldn’t lose contact, but not all of them did. The competition started, and Verne and Ron both individually gave their fans a tour.

After roughly 15 minutes, at the conclusion of the tour Verne gave to his fan, all of a sudden their buzzer started going off. His fan tried questioned, “It’s not going off, is it?” Apparently she didn’t hear the incessant beep that made my ears bleed.

Eventually, Ron and his fan come back into the house, and they’re making an omelet in the kitchen. Pep and her fan walk in and see them, and then it looks like Pep complains to us about Ron and his fan tying their fingers together so they don’t lose contact. Now, yes, it sounds like cheating to me, but Pepa didn’t bring up anything about Traci using a bracelet (I think) and Rob using his wristband to essentially do the same thing. So, Pepa is really the only one not using something to keep her finger in contact with her fan’s finger.

Pep went back and was complaining to Rob and Traci about Ron tying his fan’s finger to his. Everyone seemed pissed about it, which didn’t make absolutely any sense to me, since Rob and Traci were basically doing the SAME THING. Well, Pep decided she’d copy Ron. The only problem is, when she went to stand up, she lost contact with her fan. So long Crazy Eyes. We hardly knew ye.

I imagine open calls for FLAVA OF LOVE was something like this.

After about 4.5 hours, we see Ron and his fan in the bathroom. I’m assuming he’s basically showing her what his life is like. You know, on the days when he doesn’t get paid to do have sex with women on film at least. We find out that Ron’s fan is actually married, and her husband was confused as to why she was coming to the Fame Games House to compete in this competition. I smell a theme for Ron’s next movie…

So Robin is back, and he calls everyone back to the living room. He tells us that it’s time to change things up a little bit, and he asks that everyone all stands up in a line. As everyone is standing up, we hear a buzzer go off. Then we went to commercial break, and the tension nearly destroyed me. It was almost as if I couldn’t go back to sleep for 4 hours before I found out who actually lost the competition. But I did.

So who was eliminated? Why it was Traci and her fan. With that everyone’s fan left, and then we heard Traci talking nervously to Ron. She’s never been in the Back to Reality game (thanks Manny!), and she’s really, really nervous about how to handle it. Ron doesn’t have much sympathy for Traci because they haven’t been in the jacuzzi together or slept (actual sleep) in the same room together. I’m not really sympathetic because she made Manny go into a game he didn’t deserve to be in. That and also all of the things that Ron said.

With that, it was time for everyone’s favorite arbitrary person who’s kind of like Vanna White but not really and whose only job is to basically re-introduce Robin Leach, Inga! Has anyone ever noticed how ridiculous it is that we see Robin many times throughout the episodes, and he tells people to take their place behind for the Back to Reality game, but then Inga introduces him? (Sorry, I’m nitpicking, but this has bothered me all season.)

Inga inexplicably starts making fun of handicap people

with a poorly timed “duurrrrr durrrr” routine

The game this evening is Fill in the ____ing Blank. Robin reads a quote from someone who was in the Surreal Life house this season, and one word will be missing. Then Robin gives everyone four options that could go in the blank, and everyone has to write their answer on a dry-erase board. Should be pretty straight-forward right. However, luckily the VH1 producers realized the mistake last week of having everyone be able to see everyone else’s answer, and put up giant dividers between everyone’s podium. OH WAIT. THEY DIDN’T. Way to recognize a possible flaw in ridiculous-game-design, producers.

“GROAPE?”

This was another pretty dull competition. Pepa was safe first, so it came down to Traci and Verne. The final question was a quote from Ron about Rob. Ron, perhaps nervous that Rob would freak out after hearing the 4 possible answers, whispered quietly to Rob what he thought he said. Well, Traci ended up getting the question right, and Verne ended up getting it wrong. So Verne goes home, and really, it seems like he hasn’t entirely wanted to be in the house from the beginning, so I don’t think he was too upset about it.

But wait. In walks Mark Cronin, executive director. If I was the executive director of this show, I would absolutely have my face blurred. Not Mark Cronin though. He tells everyone that there was a discrepancy in the final question, and there may have been some signaling. Whoa, what?

This is me immaturely making fun of Mark Cronin’s gay hands.

Well, Pep walks over and says that Rob’s reaction may have given it away. Rob was adamant that he didn’t do anything. Pepa wasn’t accusing him of doing anything on purpose, she just said that subconsciously he may have nodded when he heard the right answer, which was what Ron whispered to him. Rob is basically acting like a dick, and Pepa is starting to get a little angry about it.

So now Rob is getting pissed about being accused of cheating. He’s saying that he didn’t specifically give one person an answer over the other, so what’s the big deal. While he’s being a baby (again), the producers were looking at the tape, and now they’re ready to make their ruling.

Mark Cronin walks in and tells us what happened. First, as I mentioned before, Ron whispered what he thought was the answer to Rob. When Rob hears first possible answer from Robin, he shakes his head no. When he hears the second answer, he nods his head, then he shakes off the final two answers. Pretty much the entire time, Pep is nodding her head, feeling vindicated in that she didn’t accuse Rob of doing anything on purpose, just that it happened. When he finishes the explanation of what happened, Mark Cronin says that the outcome of the game will remain the same.

So with Verne going home, we’ve still got Rob and Pepa arguing. Verne tries to say that he’s going home, so will everybody just shut up and leave it at that. Rob, however, refuses to leave it at that because his precious reputation is now damaged on national TV. You know, his reputation is damaged because he may have cheated in a reality TV competition. Or it may have been subconscious. His reputation isn’t damaged by being a sore loser, behaving poorly, or flipping out. But what if he wants to go on Celebrity & Cat House, the show where Cats and celebrities battle for property rights to a mansion in Beverly Hills, which I also just made up. He can’t do it now, because his credibility is damaged.

Anyways, Rob, surprise, is still getting pissed off. Pepa has been having some wine, and she’s talking a lot when she should probably shut up (so she doesn’t anger Rob, not because she actually should shut up). Rob suddenly turns this all around on Pepa, saying it’s all about her, when he CLEARLY just stole the floor away from Verne, who, let’s not forget, is the one actually going home.

There was more arguing, but it was really making my head hurt, and none of it made any sense one way or the other, so I’d rather leave it out.

So that was pretty much where the episode ended. I found most of the episode to be pretty boring, which is why I loaded on so much detail on the beginning of the show. Verne is out of the house, and next week is the final episode. I’m not sure if it’s collective cheers or collective sighs of relief, but one of the two is probably being enjoyed by all who watch the show after hearing that.

What did you think of the episode? Do you have any predictions on who will win next week? Do you think Pep is going to bitchslap Rob? Does Ron Jeremy really smell badly, and if he does, do you think cologne would really help (I doubt it)?