Remember The Savage… Skidmark

The Surreal Life

By sg-dub | Monday, March 20, 2006 | 4:21 pm | 41 Comments

Early Sunday evening, after I enjoyed a few pops with EdHill at my favorite local watering hole watching my Uconn Huskies advance to the Sweet 16, I ate some dinner and dozed off in my comfy living room chair. A few hours later I was awoken by the plaintive wails of my 2-month old son, baby-dub.

“Daaa-liii,” he mused, “Daaa-liiiii!” Whatever, I thought; he’s just testing out a new sound. Awakened, I rubbed my eyes and looked at the clock to see what time it was – Whoa! In my beery sleep-deprived state, the clock appeared to be melting off the wall! Totally freaked, I looked around and noticed the windows had gotten very small. “Daaa-liii,” baby-dub continued. Oh… Wait… That’s right, it was time for another season of VH1′s Surreal Life and my genius son was simply reminding me not to miss the premiere. And boy, am I glad he remembered – because my weekend wouldn’t have been complete without seeing a prosthetic boob, a bunch of washed up coke-heads, and a skidmark for the ages.

Yes folks, it’s back. Making lemonade out of a lemon, after the jump.Towards the end of the last “Surreal Life” I told myself I would never watch – let alone recap – this show again. I grew to hate Omarosa and Janice Dickenson so much that it was affecting my personal life. But then I remembered the halcyon days of Corey Feldman in the first season. Flashes of Mini-Me peeing in the corner and Chyna high on some drug cocktail sparked in my brain. Memories of Vanilla Ice carrying Gary Coleman around a diner and visions of Webster’s and MC Hammer’s goofy piousness made me realize what this show couldbe. And so… I’m in. For now.

The latest incarnation, however, has a rather glaring problem: Who the frick gives a crap about these people? Radio host Wendy Williams did a voice-over welcome and introduced us to this season’s greeter – Jimmy Pardo. Jimmy Pardo? Yeah, me neither. But the joke is on us – Mr. Pardo was on an episode of “Becker” in 2000 and that, my friends, is the pinnacle of comedy. Anyway, Pardo was following in the footsteps of Andy Dick and Kathy Griffin so I guess he’ll be updating his imdb profile soon enough.

The first arrival was Sherman Helmsley who made his mark as George Jefferson in the 70′s. “The Jeffersons” was a damn funny show, and George’s constant insulting of Bentley, Tom, and Flo was classic television. So I’m down with Sherm – especially since he apparently embraces his claim to fame and gave us viewers a “Weezy” shout-out. I found it weird that the show’s producers captioned his speech, as I totally understood him at the outset.

The next to arrive was the washed up 80′s Whitesnake video vixen, Tawny Kitaen. She declared that she hadn’t had a drink in her life but quickly reminded us that she did enjoy cocaine and other hard drugs for years. Looking at her now compared to her drug-fueled days of yore, I can’t think of a better endorsement for the nose candy. I can now also understand how she gave ex-husband Chuck Finley a good fight and why Maaco would love for her to roll over every car hood in town. Oi vey. She did greet Helmsley as “George,” which gave me an unexpected chuckle.

Continuing the theme of 80′s hair band has-beens, Poison guitarist CC Deville descended upon the mansion with his orange man-tan and Susan Powter hairdo. He, too, immediately admitted to past hard drug use and claimed to now be clean. (Aside: Did anyone else see CC on “Rock n Roll Jeopardy” a few years ago? I’ve never seen anyone so high on TV in all my life – a classic moment.) He met the other two guests and referencing his druggie past exclaimed, “Wow, we’re in unchartered territory now!” Um… No, CC, you’re not. In fact, YOUR DRUGGIE HISTORY IS WHY YOU’RE ON THIS STUPID SHOW!

Then Sherman Helmsley muttered some unintelligible gibberish. He’s kind of like the Don Vito guy on “Viva la Bam.”

Some guy named Steve Harwell drove up and declared, “I love to drink and snort cocaine and get hookers.” Apparently being the lead singer of two-hit wonder Smashmouth doesn’t get you laid for free. Either that or Steve Harwell is just a giant tool. Or both. He met CC and exchanged rehab stories and grumbled about the fact that hey now, he really might not be an All Star after all. So sad.

Edgar Lives!

Up next was some girl named Andrea Lowell. Yes, the Andrea Lowell. Apparently she’s appeared in Playboy a few times and has been on Playboy TV – the worst channel ever. Does softcore porn appeal to anyone other than Camille Paglia and pre-teen boys who have yet to see real porn? (No.) So Andrea, what’s your story? “I love to drink and get drunk and if you don’t drink, go read your bible.” Hmmm, this could be interesting after all. Just as I was beginning to warm up to the harlot, a blurb at the bottom of the screen said, “Nicknamed ‘Dirty Harry’ for not always shaving her legs.” Nice.

Andrea greeted Tawny and they bounded off to the girl’s bedroom. “How do I know the dark guy… The tan guy,” asked Andrea.
“He was on the Jeffersons,” replied Tawny, in the best unintentional comedy moment of the night. (Andrea was asking about CC, referring to his ridiculous man-tan.)

The next arrival was Alexis Arquette, who said, “You may know me because of my famous family.” Funny enough, “Alexis,” no, I don’t. Apparently the strangely cute Patricia and the strangely strange David have a brother who is transgendered and is “famous” for being that way. Or something. He doesn’t hide his man voice at all and talks about his transgendered status as though it’s an issue on par with terrorism and global warming. He wears rubber boobs and claims they are “part of” him. He’s hyper sexualized which only makes him more annoying. He knows CC somehow and agrees with Andrea when she says that, “Nipples are God’s gift to the world.” At that point, I’ll admit, my thumb grazed the channel changer button on my remote.

Tawny fetched the “Surreal Times” and read the exciting headline: A “Mystery Advisor” was on the way! She opened up the paper and proceeded to read it all to herself, leaving the others sitting there staring at her. Ok, that was pretty funny too so I put my thumb away. The “Advisor” was Carol Brady, who arrived with a big basket of flowers and lots of good cheer. Damn, is it wrong to say that archetypal mother-figure from the 70′s Carol Brady looks a lot hotter than archetypal slut from the 80′s, Tawny Kitaen? Cause it’s true. Carol would be at the house daily, just not sleeping there. That’s what passes as a “twist” on this show, I think.

The ol’ “sense of humor” bs

Carol got the gang cooking dinner (even telling Alexis to pour some oil in the pasta water – but it wasn’t Wesson oil! Scandal! Yes, I realize that that’s like the 18th joke I’ve written today that you won’t get if you’re under 25.) Carol told Andrea that she had underwear older than her and began what I can only assume will be a season-long attempt to push Andrea away from the “naked party girl” lifestyle. Even Tawny was judging Andrea, privately, to Carol; “I turned down Playboy five times,” implying that she was, “Better than that.”

Yup, being famous for slithering on a car in an 80′s video, marrying and divorcing David Coverdale, succumbing to years of drug abuse, getting arrested for beating up your second husband, and having boobs more famous than your face is “Better” than posing in Playboy. Gotcha. At that point, Alexis retired to the patio to have a smoke with young Andrea. In a truly surreal moment, he/she sort of hit on the poor girl with such sure-fire lines as, “I’m going to be removing my genitalia so this is your last chance to get with it.” So Alexis, famous for being a sibling of actors, is a dude who doesn’t really hide the fact that he’s a dude, but dresses like a woman, is having a sex change operation at some point, but hits on cute girls, yet vies for the attention of the guys in the house? Thumb is twitching again…

Show of hands… Who remembers that George Jefferson is on this show? While George became a sort of mumbly wallpaper, CC ran on a treadmill and Steve mopped the floor. Exciting, exciting stuff. Just when I began dozing off, another issue of the “Surreal Times” was delivered and the headline screamed that another houseguest was about to arrive and that he would indeed be, a “beefcake.” But in a twist, there were 5 slices of beef from which to choose. And not just any beef, but Reality has-been beef! Unimpressed, Steve took a page out of my dad’s insult book and called them all, “Knuckleheads.”

So just who were these struggling failed actors – err, I mean, “Former reality show stars?” Why it’s Real World Paris’ Ace! And Survivor Palau’s Johnny! And who-knows-what-show’s Maven! And American Idol’s Paula banging Corey Clark! (He’d be the carpaccio on the menu.) But, lo, there was one other reality stud from which to choose – and my choice no matter what the occasion! Yes, it’s “Big Brother 5′s” Scott Savage! When a guy’s catchphrase is “Remember the Savage,” and you forget all about him, what does that say? Well, I for one did not forget the Savage and just as B-Side posted a fascinating expose of Savage’s tub-buddy Jase recently, I give you a fascinating Savage update. Savage, Drew and Cowboy hanging out in Dipshit, Oklahoma. Awesome.

The deal was that the 6 housemates were to choose the 7th cast member. They immediately voted off Johnny, which is good because I have no idea who he is. Then the remaining four had a pose down – Savage’s forte! He was surely in! Savage removed his shirt and damn, he looks good. Then he slowly turned around and teased the girls with a slow removal of his jeans. Ahhh, who but Savage could pull off yellow bikini briefs and STILL look good! No one, that’s who. Like a seasoned Chippendale, Savage slid his jeans down his muscled legs and… Oh! My! God! WHAT IS THAT?!

Oh, Savage, you beast, what have you wrought! I was immediately transported to New Jersey in 1937 with “Oh, the humanity” screaming in my brain. I covered baby-dub’s impressionable young eyes and hit pause to gather myself. Alas, poor Savage must have wiped his ass with some oak leaves (as all good savages do) as he had quite the skidmark. It wasn’t your typical run-of-the-mill bicycle skidmark, no, this was a “SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY” monster truck skidmark. At least I knew in the bottom of my heart that if there was anyone who could overcome such a tragedy, it was my main man SAVAGE.

Don’t worry, Jase will clean that up for you.

Ace did a played out, “I’m a white boy who can’t dance so I’ll dance like a retard” white boy dance, Maven got all up on Carol Brady, and Corey sang some crappy song. At this point, it became clear that Smashmouth Steve pretty much hates the world, as he had something negative to say about all the contestants. It was also at this point that I realized I sort of like Smashmouth Steve. Hey now, you’re an All Star, get your game on, go play. (I just figure if I have that shit song in my head all day, so should you.) And all that glitters is go-o-o-old, Only shootin’ stars break the mold!

Corey was thankfully sent packing but then the unthinkable happened. Savage was given the boot! WhatEVER, man, he had to get back to his never-ending auditions, read-throughs, and high-powered meetings at Ivy. Savage, I’ll NEVER forget you! Say hi to Cowboy for me, will ya? Down to Ace and Maven (“Maven?” Really?), Andrea asked if they like to drink and party and Ace said that Guns and Roses – oops, sorry Axl, I mean G’n F’n R – was his favorite 80′s band, and Steve reiterated his hatred of everyone. For some reason, CC and Steve really wanted the Maven guy over Ace. (George Jefferson had no opinion… On anything. Ever.) Personally, I couldn’t help but thinking the “Masters of the Universe” had two more bad guys to fight off from Skeletor’s gang of evildoers. Maven and Ace? What has reality TV wrought?

Sigh. He didn’t even pee on the floor.

In the end, the ladies chose Maven, who seems like a nice enough guy. He’s from some ultimate fighting reality show; it probably aired on SpikeTV or something and I’m sorry, I’m just not man enough to watch that channel. Poker just makes my wiener shrivel. The final scene was Andrea and Maven drinking, then talking, then lounging in the pool. Carol Brady, most likely prodded by the producers, tried to make it as though something nefarious was afoot. She tried to pretend Andrea and Maven were hooking up for some reason. Then Maven stripped and Alexis pretended that Maven liked confused transgendered men who dress like women and the show came to an end.

I fear that this season of “Surreal Life” will be much like that – made up conflict and producer prodded phony wackiness. The preview of the upcoming season offered no hope other than some scenes of Tawny losing it. Hey, at least it’s better than that damn Applebee’s commercial we were forced to watch five thousand times during the March Madness this past weekend. “A three hour tewerrrrrrr…”

Right?

Comments (41)
More About Author

About sg-dub

41 Comments

1

ceenee

Posted March 20, 2006 at 4:33 pm

wow, this sounds frightening… better you than us, sg-dub!
2

Firecat

Posted March 20, 2006 at 4:40 pm

BB5 Scott = kinda racist

That’s in regards to some of the comments he made in regards to Kaysar BB6.
3

B-Side

Posted March 20, 2006 at 4:46 pm

sg-dub — that was great. Loved the carpaccio line.

FYI — Maven was teh winner of season 1 of MTV’s Tough Enough. He has since become super jacked. Highly under-appreciated show.
4

Ed

Posted March 20, 2006 at 5:09 pm

Isn’t Tawny the current Mrs. Gene Simmons?

So, is Lionel gonna be on the next SL?
5

susanarosa

Posted March 20, 2006 at 7:35 pm

Oh. My. God.

I had a friend who hooked up the smashmouth guy a couple years ago…

Ahh… sweet revenge… or something.
6

sg-dub

Posted March 20, 2006 at 7:39 pm

susanrosa –

your friend is a hooker?
7

susanarosa

Posted March 20, 2006 at 7:41 pm

Not then… haven’t seen her in awhile though…
8

copygodd

Posted March 20, 2006 at 9:10 pm

maven was on raw for a while after winning the first tough enough. even held the hardcore title for a short bit. he was released last year. probably should’ve seen the writing on the wall once they started making him wear pink trunks.
9

Brian

Posted March 21, 2006 at 4:29 am

It looked like Alexis scared the s**t out of Scott…….literally.
That was truly horrible to watch.I knew he was doomed.
10

EdHill

Posted March 21, 2006 at 7:15 am

You use a Camille Paglia joke when a simple cooter reference would have done the job nicely. Sigh¦

You are right about the “sense of humor” reference with Adnrea. Every guy that writes for TVGasm has a great sense of humor, but as far as I know none of us ever dated Playboy models. I dated a former centerfold from Big Mama Jugs once but that doesn’t count.

I hate Alexis on numerous levels. Transgendered? Hey, whatever. That’s cool. But it’s like he is overcompensating for it by talking about his sexuality and horniness every freaking second. He’s probably just insecure because he makes an amazingly ugly girl. The funniest part was when he was angry at Andrea because she was his “competition” for the guys affection. That actually just made me feel sad for him.

I also hate him because he has no talent and no celebrity of his own. His siblings are actors, that’s his talent.

And finally, I am grossed out by his weird lower lip. It has either a weird growth or a huge herpes (or is that herpi?) so he covers it with lipstick and it just looks like a deformed lip.

Sherman Helmsley is the big dud of the season. The only thing I have to look forward to is Andrea getting drunk around CC and hoping for a relapse.
11

MrsC

Posted March 21, 2006 at 7:33 am

That was more than a skid mark. That is like he took a dump in his yeller bikini brief, scooped it out, and continued on his merry way. Dis.gust.ing.

Do they sell PullUps for former reality stars in a brite bikini style?
12

derder

Posted March 21, 2006 at 7:58 am

I am on vacation right now and was unable to watch this as we only get spanish channels here. But this was so fricking funny that I am still HOWLING about the skid mark. Holy crap, I can’t wait to get home and see that. Seriously, dude, that is some funny shit. (arrr)- God that was funny.
Excellent re-cap Sg-dub.
13

hardly@work

Posted March 21, 2006 at 8:09 am

great recap, but the skid mark and well everything about this cast is maybe too disturbing for me to watch. I can’t believe i used to think the guy from smashmouth was cute, and thanks i now have all-star going in my head, but its better than the ford ‘beep beep’ ad. i have no idea who the women are on this show. besides the wesson lady.
14

djo8901

Posted March 21, 2006 at 8:24 am

I don’t even know where to begin. I hate the Arquettes. I don’t know HOW or WHY they are considered a major Hollywood family like the Penns or the Sheens. Patricia has to be thee worst actor ever, next to her dear brother Alexis. I don’t know if I should feel bad for Alexis or be disgusted by him. It’s as if he is the least everything (talented, good looking, interesting, etc..) of the Arquettes so he wants to be the crazy, different one. Check me out “ I am not just bisexual, I’m a transvestite “ oh no wait “ I’m a transsexual “ that’s much cooler! What’s cooler than that??? Oh I know – I’ll get a sex change”ON NATIONAL TELEVISION”maybe, if the ratings are good. It’s really very desperate and pathetic. Patricia, David, Rosanna and whatever other Arquettes there are should chip in and get him some serious counseling. I should make it very clear that I have no problem with anyone being gay, a transvestite, a transsexual or seeking a sex change “ I just think it is really gross how this guy tries to exploit all of the above for some sliver of D-grade fame.
15

pepper

Posted March 21, 2006 at 9:15 am

Alexis’ sex change will be on A&E. Really, I can’t wait.

And THANK YOU for saying something about their subtitling of Sherman Hemsley. They don’t subtitle Flavor Flav, and they don’t subtitle any of the women on “Flavor of Love.” What are they saying? VH1 needs to cut that the heck out. I understand The Sherm just fine.
16

james_woods_rules

Posted March 21, 2006 at 10:22 am

Ed #4-
Old Gene is not married, but has been making family with Shannon Tweed for like 20 years. You remember Shannon Tweed right? Of Erotic Thriller, D-list movies and Soft Core Porn fame? She’s AWESOME.
17

The Svan

Posted March 21, 2006 at 11:46 am

Does anyone else think it’s weird that derder reads TVGasm while on vacation?
18

jenny10girl

Posted March 21, 2006 at 12:41 pm

Tawny looks awful…definately a good say no to drugs advertisement!
19

derder

Posted March 21, 2006 at 5:59 pm

Weird why-what’s your fuckin’ problem SVAN??
I am in Mexico right now with my laptop-
sitting next to my husband having a cocktail.
20

citylips

Posted March 21, 2006 at 6:27 pm

Alexis is the token “interesting,” “outrageous” cast member who already has me bored to tears. I’d have liked Corey Clark in if only so I could be genuinely repulsed. Or better yet — ASHLEY PARKER ANGEL!!!! Whadda ya wanna bet he’d bring his acoustic guitar and someone would finally break it over his head.

And if we’re going to cast no-count family members, how about a Baldwin, or better yet, a BUSH?

I can’t wait for someone to rip Florence a new hole.
21

The Svan

Posted March 21, 2006 at 7:26 pm

Well if The Svan went to a vacation spot (it definately wouldn’t be Mexico) The Svan wouldn’t be websurfing for TV shows. The Svan would be out having fun with the natives.
22

hardly@work

Posted March 22, 2006 at 6:19 am

Have one for me derder, hope you are having a lovely time.
23

derder

Posted March 22, 2006 at 6:54 am

hey SVAN-
It’s people like you who make this website a drag. It is ugly and immature when people hide behind their computers and become judgemental bullies. It’s obnoxious- grow up.
24

trppin31

Posted March 22, 2006 at 7:40 am

The Svan sounds jealous to The trppin31.
25

The Svan

Posted March 22, 2006 at 2:47 pm

Wow. Now you are fighting with someone on the internet while on vacation. Perhaps you should check out:

http://www.netaddiction.com/

Admitting you have a problem is the first step. Good luck, perhaps there is still time to really enjoy a new location without staring at a cpu screen.
26

Keyser Soze

Posted March 22, 2006 at 3:20 pm

I must admit one of the best vacations I ever had was Exuma Bahamas- no phone, no tv in the place we stayed, and we fished for our dinner every night.
The one bar in town had a tv, & when it did get reception, it was constantly tuned to Xena The Warrior Princess.
27

stacyrocks

Posted March 22, 2006 at 3:52 pm

Scott is fucking nasty. Grown ass man, learn to WIPE!
28

The Svan

Posted March 22, 2006 at 5:34 pm

Now that sounds like a good vacation, Keyser Soze. (except for the Xena part).
29

derder

Posted March 23, 2006 at 6:48 am

perhaps you all could explain to me why it is an addiction to check my email and surf my favorite websites every morning for 20 minutes while having coffee. Seriously- your cruelty is really bothering me.
On second thought- don’t bother. Let’s just drop it. I’m done here-
30

The Svan

Posted March 23, 2006 at 6:57 am

But that’s the thing. You’re not done here because you’ll be back tomorrow morning on the beach or on your flight, etc. Please try and get help, soon. Your hubby deserves it.
31

trppin31

Posted March 23, 2006 at 7:33 am

Dear derder-
I just have to say that as a Junior High teacher, when a student singles someone out to pick on in the way that Svan has here, it usually means one of two things…
A) that person is jealous
and/or
B) that person is an asshole.

I think your awesome and I still love your website! (Those are great pictures of you and your husband on the beach). Have a great time and have one for me.
And I, too bring my computer on vacation with me to surf the web. So there, I just svan to be rude to people and embarrass them.
32

The Svan

Posted March 23, 2006 at 8:28 am

“I just have to say that as a Junior High teacher…”

“So there, I just svan to be rude to people and embarrass them.”

-trppin31

And people wonder why education isn’t what it used to be.
33

trppin31

Posted March 23, 2006 at 8:34 am

I figured it out-

B) Asshole.
34

Lobstar

Posted March 23, 2006 at 9:35 am

I’m not certain why it’s bugging me so much, but it’s HEMSley, not HELMSley.
35

Lobstar

Posted March 23, 2006 at 9:44 am

It’s weird to me how Tawny is so self-righteous about Playboy, when her claim to fame is rolling around scantily clad on a car. And weren’t those her breasts we saw in Bachelor Party? Hypocrite.
36

c-rock

Posted March 23, 2006 at 10:03 am

What, Flo is a hypnotherapist now? Lame! When is Alexis gonna start star-name dropping?
p.s. Hi, hardly@work!
37

The Svan

Posted March 23, 2006 at 10:39 am

trppin31,
Now should a junior high teacher be calling names? Tsk, tsk. Run along now and play with your little students.
38

livemusicjunkie

Posted March 23, 2006 at 10:49 am

okay, I perused this recap before watching the show and that pic of the underwear had me confused – when I saw it play out, I was completely and utterly mortified. I don’t get it. I’m w/the poster who said that’s MORE than a skid mark – it looks like he crapped his pants!!!!

Otherwise, I’m personally looking forward to this season. I love CC and I hope he does NOT relapse. He really is a good guy when he’s sober.

I, too, think Alexis is sad, but will be enjoyable to watch.

BTW, derder, I hope you’re enjoying your vacation, sipping a margarita, but be careful not to choke while laughing at the snark.
39

djo8901

Posted March 23, 2006 at 1:43 pm

I am sure CC DeVille is a great guy but if there is a reality TV show god – CC will relapse.
40

trppin31

Posted March 23, 2006 at 3:16 pm

Svan, While at lunch today with some friends, we actually discussed this very humorous situation. We can’t decide if you are:

A) A confused, hormonal, acne ridden teenager

B) A pitiful, lonely, overweight middle aged spinster

or

C) A bitter, unattractive, angry old queen who has to pay twinks to have sex with you.

My guess was C, although my friends pegged you more for B.

Whatever, you are pathetic. I, like derder, am done with you now.

Bye bye- asshole.

P.S. Don’t discuss education with me. It is obvious you haven’t even mastered spell-check yet.
41

The Svan

Posted March 23, 2006 at 4:32 pm

Um, try again. Going to medical school in the fall and have a beautiful wife. The Svan just comes here to blow off some steam from biochemistry. Good luck with those pre-teens though. The Svan is grateful for you to spend time talking about him.

Remember The Savage… Skidmark

41 Comments

Post a Comment Cancel reply

TV Social

Login

Recent Comments

Subscribe to Blog

Hot Shows

Fresh Tweets!

Remember The Savage… Skidmark

If you like it, spread it!:

41 Comments

Post a Comment Cancel reply

TV Social

Login

Recent Comments

Subscribe to Blog

Hot Shows

Fresh Tweets!