“Scree! Scree! Scree! Scree!”

The title is my onomatopoetic attempt at the famous violin screeching from shower scene in “Psycho.” My use of the word “onomatopoetic” is my attempt at pretending I’m smart. My watching The Surreal Life is the proof against me when I pretend I’m smart. This week, the show was titled “The Knife Incident,” which we all knew was the one that got all the press before the season aired. Because, apparently, knife-wielding wenches are funny and exciting. In truth, it was disturbing and strange.

The entire episode, which Surreal Life viewers know only really amounts to about 15 minutes of new footage, was more or less a “Battle of the Bitches” in which Omarosa and Janice Dickenson verbally duked it out – no holds barred. Before the hours-long main event, Janice had another little dust-up with everyone’s favorite pervert, Balki. This came after Balki declared Caprice “Like Our Lady of Fatima – virginal yet at the same time, accessible.” Now, I’m not Catholic so I’ll let others comment on the veracity of that comment. But when I hear the words “Our Lady of” before a woman’s name, “accessible” certainly doesn’t come to mind. With sex still on the brain, Balki randomly asked Janice, “how many truckers did you sleep with yesterday?” referring to her drive from Las Vegas to LA. Hoo boy, that didn’t go over with The World’s First Supermodel too well.While Janice hemmed and hawed about Balki’s offensive question, we were treated to a flashback vignette of Janice from the day before telling the camera, “I’m going to a truck stop to f**k a trucker.” I didn’t do a Zapruder analysis on the tape, but I think she might have said, “To f**k with a trucker,” which is actually funny when you realize that if she did indeed say “with,” then VH1 is totally submarining her – which no one in the world would have a problem with at all. Back in the present time (VH1 now employs the black and white look for flashbacks, a la Big Brother), Balki and Janice were arguing. Balki, to his credit, said, “Stop performing, Janice. Shut up, shut up, shut up. Get back on your broomstick and go back to Oz.” Totally weak insult, but the sentiment was refreshing. Everyone was finally completely fed up with Janice’s shtick and was no longer afraid to tell her so. And gee, what a perfect day to “get honest.” It was “press day,” which meant lots of cameras, interviews, and posed photos.

The simmering tension boiled over from Balki to Omarosa at this point, as she didn’t let Janice near her things in the bathroom for no reason other than not liking her. Then the oddest thing happened… Janice’s son, Nathan Fields, showed up at the door and pretended that he loved his mom. Janice introduced Balki as “Bronson Pinchet” just to be annoying, and then proceeded to put gaffer’s tape on his teeth in a picture. Even her 13-year-old son found that just a tad bit immature. I have no idea why this kid showed up or if he could even speak, but he was gone before we knew it. Poor kid. It must be tough knowing that half of your genetic makeup came from Janice. His only hope, and it’s a slim one, is that his dad happened to be Jesus Christ so he could be at least a shred of dignity. Although word is even Mr. Christ found Janice to be “beyondeth hope.”

After the kid left, all hell broke loose. Omarosa was giving interviews and Janice was causing a ruckus. Again, I can’t stand Omarosa, so the fact that I’m siding with her here is rather telling. Despite her pathetic insults (i.e., “Janice is like a one-legged man in a kickass competition. It’s painful to watch… It just doesn’t make sense! Hahahhahahah.” At least she cracks herself up.) I was totally pulling for her to punch Janice out. Here is the blow by blow of round one.

O: “I’m doing an interview here, could you shut the f**k up.”

J: “How rude, blah, blah, blah.”

O: “Blah, blah, blah.”

J: “… I’ll yank your weave off.”

O: “I’ll yank your weave off. Your stylists spend four hours on your weave in the morning. Don’t front on me.”

J: “I’m a supermodel, honey, not a reality show loser.”

O: (Exasperated) “You are not a supermodel.”

J: “Hello! The FIRST supermodel!”

O: “Oh, ok, maybe supermodels DO get high and walk around and act crazy. You are nothing but a high society crackhead. Can we get some ready-rock from South Central for Janice?”

J: “3000 Vogue covers!”

O: “How can you be so successful and be such a failure?” (I liked that one.)

J: “Blah, blah, blah.”

O: “Shut the f**k up. Bring it. Bring it! You Bitch.”

J: “I didn’t get fired from Trump!”

Phew. That’s the first time I’ve ever done anything like that, but the situation warranted it, I think. Omarosa handled herself fairly well and finally told Janice that she’s a druggie – which has been painfully evident to the viewers. Throughout the battle, Jose Canseco sat on the couch and cowered behind a throw pillow. When Balki arrived after missing the whole thing, Jose told him it was “worse than jail!” I highly doubt that, Jose. I mean, it’s not like one of them had a deadly weapon in her hand or anything… Right? After the interview was over, Omarosa had a completely random familial visit – her mom. Her mom has some guts showing up on TV after her daughter has proven herself to be nothing more than a lying reality show whore. Like Janice’s son, the mom didn’t say two words either, but after meeting Janice and getting out of earshot, Omarosa confided, “That woman is high as a kite.” One question: How did Chyna Doll escape these types of accusations last season? That “woman” was so hopped up on goofballs throughout the entire show and yet no one really stepped it to say anything. Omarosa planted her mom in a bedroom, changed into a white ball gown, and joined the others in the dining room for the publicity photo shoot.

The shot was supposed to be “wacky” in a “network sitcom pilot” kind of way. Balki was flinging some potatoes and well, actually, I didn’t really catch what anyone else was doing because before I knew it, the genius photographer guy decided that giving Janice a gigantic Ginzu knife would be funny. She immediately fake threatened the three-legged dog. Every person already hated her in the house, why not make the dog hate her too? Then the same genius photographer guy suggested that Janice go stand over near Omarosa for the shot. As she approached, she said in her best Sweeney Todd, “Anyone need a haircut? A little trim with my butcher knife?” Dude, Big Brother would have totally kicked her off the show for that! (Old school BB2 reference.) Of course, as any sane person would say, Omarosa implored, “Get her away from me.” Of course, Mr. Genius Photographer was too busy snapping away at the HI-larious turn of events.

Janice did drop the knife but then reached for the pitcher full of red fruit punch. She took a few seconds to make fun of Omarosa’s stupid white beauty pageant gown before spilling the juice – oh wait, it’s SuperBalki to the rescue! Before she spilled the juice, he yelled at Janice, “Leave her alone! Stop it!” Where was this gallant display of chutzpah when she was holding a murder weapon 10 seconds prior? As it turned out, Balki didn’t give a crap about Omarosa, but was just really thirsty and had a boner for red fruit punch.

At this point in the show, both Pepa and Carey Hart got a few seconds of face time with spliced-in comments about the goings-on. And here I thought they had been left in Vegas. On set, Omarosa simply got up and left the photo shoot, followed by everyone else but Janice – who was now standing on the table holding the fruit punch. She then dumped it out onto the table and asked no one in particular, “What did I do?” Gee, Janice, let’s see… You scare everyone every day just by looking at them, you are an incorrigible bitch, you are a schizophrenic wackadoodle, you pick fights at random, you grind your used-up crotch on Balki one night and won’t let him near you the next, you are mean, you threatened a cast member with a knife, you’re not funny, you’re not smart, you’re no longer employed by anyone, you’re a drug addict, you’re an attention-starved pathetic whoring loser to the nth degree. Feel free to add to this list in the comments, as I’m sure I’ve left out plenty.

What’s that? Omarosa would like to take the first crack at the extended list? Okay… Omarosa went on to say, “Call the police, that she’s high on drugs. She’s a cracked out high society bitch. Go smoke some crack you crack bitch! I hope you overdose, you bitch!”

By the way, I enjoyed this episode at 11AM. Thank you, VH1 – doing its part to better society, one crack bitch at a time.