As a fan since day one, (Ah Corey Feldman, be still my beating heart) I’ve come to expect insanely ridiculous premiere episodes of The Surreal Life. Just a few days after coming down from the high I got from my Chenema and Big Brother 6′s premiere, VH1 got me right back up again with the cornerstone of its reality lineup. Due to other commitments, I’ll have to ignore VH1′s other two “CelebReality” premieres last night – Celebrity Fit Club and Hogan Knows Best. And by “commitments” I mean, “I’d rather blind myself by slowly sublimating my viscous eye-meat milligram by milligram with a drop of 98% sulphuric acid every 30 seconds until I’m left with two empty dripping sockets than watch the Hulkster’s reality series.” Sorry, I was always a Ric Flair fan – WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[*Malki is not a real word, but could be a new short form of "malcontent." Actually, "Balki" and "Alky" aren't real words either but you know what they mean in this context. So there.]So who would be stylin’ and profilin’ in the Surreal House this time around? Who could possibly live up to the drunken peeing antics of Mini-Me? Who could we pin our hopes on to be a drug-addled Amazon freakshow like Chyna or Brigitte Neilson? Whose unresolved anger issues would get the best of them this go-round like Vanilla Ice? Whose unchecked and undeserved ego would come to the fore like Jordan Knight? After previous series appearances from Mini-Me, Emmanuel Lewis, and a cameo by Gary Coleman, who would this season’s freakish midget be? How much fatter can Sally Jesse Rafael get before her season finale appearance?
In due time, my friends. Let’s meet the cast… The first to arrive was none other than Balki Bartokomous. I absolutely hated “Perfect Strangers” and could never wrap my head around the fact that that show was a top ten hit for ABC. (I never saw his more recent sitcom, “Meego,” but something tells me it was equally horrible.) Even in my youth, I knew that I shit funnier than that show. Therefore, despite his great character in “True Romance,” I have deep seeded disdain for the actor Bronson Pinchot as well. Andy Dick was there to welcome each arrival and he appeared to dislike Pinchot as well, pronouncing the “chot” in his name Schott in Marge Schott. Quickly proving that his Balki character was a stretch for him, he angrily recounted his life of welfare and an absentee jailed father. We got our first look at the house and for some reason it was done up like a Circus. Balki hates circuses. He really, really hates circuses. And, it appears, exercise and tissues.
With Balki stewing inside about the decor, the “Naughtiest Girl in the Boardroom” Omarosa was greeted by Mr. Dick at the driveway. This cast isn’t looking too good thus far. Dick asked Bitch her last name and she replied with that giant fake smile, “Just Omarosa,” as if she’s a) important and b) her last name isn’t MANIGAULT-STALLWORTH and it’s not widely printed and known. When discussing her treatment on The Apprentice, she rattled off her lame excuses about being a strong businesswoman and went on to say that she is “much more brighter than Donald Trump.” Yeah, but he be more funner than you. She did give me a chuckle upon meeting Balki, saying, “Whoa, dude gained lots of weight.” Tis true.
Also riding the reality train was the next guest, Janice Dickinson. I recall hearing rumors that Tyra Banks was pissed at Adrianne Curry for doing the show last season, as it gave the impression that “America’s Next Top Model” wasn’t quite, um, even America’s Next Walmart Ad Model. So maybe this is why Janice is being replaced on that show as well…She arrived full of piss and vinegar, once again bludgeoned us with her “world’s first supermodel” claim, and gave us her litany of past indiscretions. She’s tall and she’s a former drug addict, so maybe she’s this season’s Chyna/Brigitte. One can hope.
Just then, a Caprice appeared out in the driveway. It had a lovely set of headlights and a well-kept rear end. Vroom-Vroom! But this was no car…it was “International Model” (from California) Caprice. Yeah, I’ve never heard of her either but then again, I don’t read Maxim, in which she’s apparently HUGE. Three-time international model (from California) of the year! Or something. She didn’t really have much to say about anything but instead of me explaining her vapidness, I’ll let Balki do the honors: “She’s like a Barbie doll with a hinge thing and no vagina. And then someone sucked the soul out of her.” Oh Balki, don’t be reedickyewlus!
Ok, I know…so far The Surreal Life is kind of lame. They could really use a Bearded Lady or a Lobster Boy or a 3-legged dog. Enter Lucky, the 3-legged dog. Surreal Life, just when you were losing me, you brought me right back.
Yet another bitch in the house
With three more guests still to arrive, I was still waiting for the matriarch/patriarch in the Eric Estrada/Gabrielle Carteris/Charo/Peter Brady mold. A-ha! It’s Pepa from Salt ‘n Pepa. For such an articulate, attractive, down-to-earth woman, you’d think she’d drop that moniker. Kinda like if I were to ever write for slate.com, I’d use my real name and not sg-dub. Maybe. Anyway, with Pepa in the mix, I’m looking forward to a showdown with Omarosa about her newly adopted single name thing. And I hope she tells her not to “Push it. Push it real good.”
Then some guy named Carey Hart arrived who rides motocross and dates Pink. His entire torso and arms are covered with a giant ugly tattoo. He wears a chain wallet and an off-kilter hat. I’m quite sure he drinks Pabst Blue Ribbon and says, “F*ck yeah!” a lot. Boring.
With 6 of the 7 Surreal Lifers moved in, they got to know each other and immediately the alpha females (Janice and Omarosa) were at odds. Expect this to continue throughout the season. In order to distract themselves, they tried to figure out who the 7th housemate would be. In order to do so, they piled up some hay bales in order to reach with a pool stick and move the curtain covering the mystery guest. While Balki was doing so (Just like Christopher Knight last season, I can’t call Bronson Pinchot by his real name), Omarosa accidentally grazed the back of his thigh. In his first instance of sexual predator tendencies, Balki made a huge deal about this incident and how Omarosa is hot for him. Hmmmm, if this guy can get off on that, what more is in store for us?
After some incorrect guesswork, it was revealed that the final guest would be Mr. Steroids himself, Jose Canseco. Judging by the reaction, you’d have thought another J.C. was arriving – Jesus Christ. (I waffled between Mr. Christ and JC Chavez for that joke. Just thought you’d want to know.) “I can’t believe it!” wailed Omarosa. Why? What about a washed-up famewhore who is currently pushing a book appearing on The Surreal Life strikes you as unbelievable? Seriously, inquiring minds want to know. If Jose Canseco appeared here at my workplace, I’d be like, “Hey, Jose Canseco is here. Yeah, I don’t care either. Wanna get a coffee?” Before he appeared, they were supplied a list of his felonies, misdemeanors, and wrongdoings. Wow, what a prick. Spousal abuse, battery, assault, drug charges, etc. Carey Hart, ever the optimist, calls these revelations “dirt” and he’s not one to judge. Yeah, but dude, a JUDGE judged and Jose is a drug-abusing wife-beater. But, in light of recent California justice, I guess one can never believe anything out there these days. Mr. Civil Rights: Carey Hart. Without an obvious crazy person as in years past, the editors appeared to struggle to find enough footage to fill the hour. One interesting conversation went something like this: Omarosa said, “I’m going to be saying a lot of stupid things here!” Jose replied, “Oh, I’ll beat you.” Considering the woman involved in this exchange, you can guess what happened next. Omarosa went on to yap about the comment and how she now feared for her safety since a wife-beater said he’d “beat her.” I wonder how she handles it when her nieces and nephews claim they are going to “kill her” in checkers. Knowing her, she’d probably calls the cops. I really hate this woman.
A couple more pointless vignettes later (Caprice employs the “courtesy flush” and Janice displays druggie tendencies, interrupting Pepa’s boring career history), we finally got to some good stuff. Out of nowhere and for no reason, Janice (who was falling for Jose already) exclaimed, “Who wants to do the nasty in the phone booth?” Say whaaaaaaa? This compelled the increasingly disturbing Balki to slither up to Janice from behind and rub his Meego on her ass and grab her midsection. Thanks, dude, for giving greasy haired paunchy middle-aged out of work actors everywhere a bad name. Balki claimed that he was going to definitely “hook up” with Janice at some point during the filming and simply wouldn’t quit jocking Janice. Although it wasn’t quite illegal touching, he was pretty creepy. But Janice, being the camera-hungry diva she is, went nuts. She was also drunk, which always ups the insane-o-meter. She declared that she was quitting the show and immediately called her friend Palo. She’s such good friends with this guy, his name then became Paula. Then Pablo. Later, we learned his name is actually Paolo. As drunk as she was, she was sober enough to say with regards to Balki, “I’d rather sleep with a homeless person.” Damn, bro, you suck. If that weren’t insulting enough, it was at this point in the show that we caught some top-down shots of Balki’s head and noticed a huge gray/bald sport right on top. I’m totally sure The Surreal Life will be as big of a boon to his career as it was for Corey Feldman. Pepa intervened, Janice calmed down, Lucky the 3-legged dog pulled a Mini-me and peed in the corner, and that was it. The best part of the show was the “Coming up this season” portion where we got a glimpse of the reported fight(s) between Omarosa and Janice, Caprice’s (I’m assuming) red-thonged ass, and – hold onto your hats – a bowling contest between the cast and a group of Down Syndrome kids. I’m already dreading writing that recap as it’ll be tough to be sensitive to the Special Needs folks while at the same time laughing my ass off. Oh, who am I kidding? Bring it on… Retards don’t read TVgasm!