Surreal Life: Go Back To Reality

So this is it. It’s the end of the road for this season of The Surreal Life Fame Games. There have been some highs and some lows. Well, I’m sure there have been some lows, like any of the times Vanilla Ice went crazy and threatened to leave, or any of the times that Verne Troyer said he was going to leave, or any of Ron Jeremy’s various bad dick jokes. Who really knows if there have been any highs? I guess you could consider the season coming to an end a high? But anyways, it’s all come down to this. With only four guests remaining in house, $100,000 up for grabs, and tension so thick you can cut it with a knife (or maybe that’s Ron Jeremy’s stench), this is the finale of the first ever Surreal Life Fame Games. Thank God.

What won’t she put on her head?

This week the show begins with Traci telling us that, in honor of Verne, she slept in the bed next to where he was sleeping when he was in the house. I’m not sure how that was in honor of him, but I guess it’s a nice gesture or something. She said she wanted to feel close to him, even though he wasn’t there. Then we see her wearing that giant foam cowboy hat, because she wanted to feel close to it, even though it WAS there.

In case you’ve forgotten, we’re down to the Final Four, and I’m pretty sure this show is the reason that term was coined for this time of year. I think it’s the only important thing going on right now.

Well Robin is in the house today, and as everyone gathers, he tells them he’s giving them some GPS system from Garmin, and he basically rattled off all of the information about it like he was doing some sort of commercial. It turns out that that’s what this week’s challenge is: hawk some shit! Actually, everyone gets a similar script (just to begin with, they can modify it) and they have to make a 30-second commercial for GoldenPalace.net. They get an hour to practice, and then once filming starts, they only have 15 minutes to get a good enough take. Once they finish all that, a focus group will decide who the winner is. But in reality, everyone is the focus group loses.

Lame hat count – 1

Then we see everyone practicing. Traci, relying on her polished acting skills, brings out a couple of different hats because she doesn’t know what to do. Ron, on the other hand, gets his down in no time, which doesn’t surprise him because he’s never needed cue cards. He sometimes needs stage direction (stand here, do her), but never cue cards. Pepa said she had to give herself a “pep” talk. She’s very clever. And finally, Rob rewrote his, and there was absolutely nothing interesting about it.

Lame hat count – 2

Now we get to see everyone’s takes. These were also pretty uninteresting. Rob actually wrote too much, but because his flow is sick, he managed to spit it all out in 30 seconds. Then it was Ron’s turn, and because he memorized his lines, he was probably feeling pretty confident. But a woman from Standards and Practices told him he needed to say that he won money in a casino, not on GoldenPalace.net. I could probably link to that, but I won’t. Anyways, changing those two words completely screwed Ron up, so we knew he wouldn’t be winning. Then we saw Traci’s boobs looking great (she might have made a commercial or something, I can’t remember) and Pep wasn’t too confident about how hers turned out.

After everyone finished, the group went to watch how the focus group was going to transpire. My favorite part of the focus group was picking which person represented which key demographic.

First up was Rob, and he got pretty good reviews, including being called “hot,” “hip,” “now,” and they said he had good energy. Hip and now are not adjectives that have been used to describe Vanilla Ice since the very early 90′s. Sure they came from the woman representing the octogenarian demographic, who may in fact have thought she was in the early 90′s, but that shouldn’t diminish the job he did.

She’s still got it. By “it” I mean syphilis.

Next was Ron. The leader of the focus group asked if everyone was familiar with Ron, and they all were, especially the old woman. And the white male. And the middle-aged white woman, who alleges that Ron is known for being well-endowed, but she hasn’t seen it first-hand. At least, that’s how I chose to interpret what she was saying. They said Ron looked sleazy, which he admitted to. He argued to us, though, that because he’s a porn star, he looks sleazy by default? What’s he supposed to do? Shave his porn mustache? Cut his long porn hair? Start wearing underwear? Cut the sleazeball some slack.

Traci was next, and, just as I remembered, her boobs looked great. The men all reacted unsurprisingly well to Traci’s commercial, especially the guy sitting closest to the TV, who seemed to be mesmerized. One guy said her boobs were too distracting. That’s like saying the sky is too blue, or I drink too much beer. It’s impossible.

Last was Pep, and her commercial actually looked like it came out pretty well. However, the focus group must have thought she needed a new asshole, because they made it their duty to rip her one. The old lady didn’t know her, they thought she was acting, and the white male especially did not find her sexy. Maybe he’s not in the white male demographic, but the gay male demographic. Regardless, they were pretty harsh on Pep. She wasn’t going to win.

Lame hat count – 3

Also, someone should really check on Ron.

So now let’s find out the results. Robin calls Rob’s name and tells him to step forward, and Rob is relieved, thinking he’s won. I should probably point out that the winner of the Sell Some Stuff competition is automatically into the last two, which I will arbitrarily call the Championship Game. Well, not so fast Vanilla Ice; you didn’t lose the competition, but you didn’t win because Traci did! Hooray! Sex sells! Not that I’m complaining.

So here’s a nice little addendum to the rules: the final three will have to vote off someone. Whoever gets voted off leaves, then whoever is left will play Back to Reality, where the winner competes against Traci for the money. This is the “stabbing people in the back” portion of the game. As far as the real world goes, I’m not sure that’s necessary to be part of the A-list. However, it probably works pretty well in reality television. Just ask anyone who’s ever participated in any sort of competition on reality TV. Ever.

The three losers (Rob, Ron and Pep) are sitting around, moping about having to stab someone in the back. Ron says he doesn’t want to do it at all and is considering just having Rob and Pep vote for him. Traci tells everyone to quit their bitching and that’s it’s just a game, which is what everyone has been saying all along. Well, everyone except for Rob when he loses. But even Rob is saying that you have to look at it like it’s a game.

No one wants to compete against Rob, because he’s basically won everything. Traci wants to lobby for Rob to be voted out. Ron, however, is torn. He’s been really good friends with Rob since they were on Surreal Life. On the other hand, he’s lived with Pep since they’ve been in the house (it’s probably only been like a little over two weeks) and they’ve bonded quite a bit. So here’s where the back-stabbing begins. Kind of.

I should also probably mention that Ron is kind of retarded. He told both Pep and Ice that he swears he is not going to vote for them on his mother’s grave. He’s come up with an ingenious plan. He’ll put himself up, Rob votes for Pep, and vice versa, therefore causing a three-way tie. If there’s a tie, Ron reasons, Robin will have to come up with another challenge to settle it. Why would he think that? How does he arbitrarily make up a new rule for the game? Oh Ron, you’re so bad at this.

Seriously, someone should check on Ron.

Stop reading this ‘cap and get help.

So it comes time for everyone to vote. We know who Rob and Pep are voting for, so it all comes down to Ron. Well, VH1, possibly understanding the concept of foresight, unlike Ron, gave each voter two chips, each with a name of the two possible people you could vote out. This meant that Ron couldn’t vote for himself, so he pretty much started shitting his pants. Pep voted, Rob voted, and Ron just sat there, staring blankly. Finally, he voted, and out came the results. Rob was going home.

Rob hears this, stands up and looks at Ron with his hands on his hips. You can see on Ron’s face how uncomfortable he is. That’s what’s funny about Ron. Put a group of naked women for him to have sex with in front of him, he’s cool as ice. Make him reluctantly backstab a friend, with possible physical harm as retribution, and he’s incredibly uncomfortable.

Actually, I felt really bad for Ron. It was a purely strategic move, and maybe Rob shouldn’t have put so much faith in someone’s word on a reality TV competition. Especially if it’s Ron’s word, because he may have just made up some rules that allow him to win the game in his head.

Ron explained that he was gonna put his own name in, but they wouldn’t let him. So Ice, calmly, walks back to his room, picks him drumset up and starts throwing it out where everyone is sitting, all while yelling at Ron. If he wanted to give everyone a drum solo before leaving, he could have carried his drums a lot gentler than he did.

Hey, wheres Rob going?

Hey, what’s Rob doing?

Oh this can’t be good….





RON LOOK OUT!

POOR INGA! She’s so scurred!





My best Mary Tyler Moore: “Ohhhhh Roooooob”

Im Juss Keedeen!

Actually, I’m not even sure he WANTED to give everyone a drum solo. Because he broke his drums. Not satisfied with that minimal destruction, he started whipping them at the set. He was busting light bulbs in the lighted “Vegas” background, then he’d walk over, get in Ron’s face, and repeat “I swear on my mother’s grave!” Ron was trying to explain, but he might as well have been trying to explain the fine art of the money shot to a baby; it just wasn’t being registered.

After what seemed like at least two minutes of destruction, members of the crew finally started to try to keep Rob from doing anything more. Kind of. At one point Rob took off like he was going to run back and possibly do something to Ron, but the crew did manage to prevent that. Hey, Rob, remember when you said it was just a game? Glad that stayed in the front of your mind. Before this season I had no idea that Rob had the maturity of a selfish two-year-old, so at least I learned that.

So Ron was just trying to explain that he had this whole crazy scenario worked out in his head where he was going to pull a quick one on the Fame Games. Traci was PISSED though, and pretty ruthless. She said to Ron, “Whatever you tried to do, it worked, so you got your wish. You’ve just lost Rob as a friend.” Damn. Way to not kick a guy when he’s down Traci, especially when it’s EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANTED TO HAPPEN.

With Rob out, it was time for Back to Reality. And, rather than give everyone a break, the producers decided to proceed as planned and play the game on the now-defunct set. I will say that Rob did a pretty great job of destroying that set though.

Ron complained about still being shocked about what had just happened. Like someone almost causing you physical harm, being accused of being a liar, and losing a friend has ever caused anyone emotional distress. Don’t be such a baby Ron.

The game this week was called Stick it in Google, which I immediately assumed Ron would excel at. Well, not quite. There was a list of hits from a search on Google containing each celebrity’s name (or most famous character, or stage name). The job of the players was to guess which house member had which number of hits, and they started at the bottom.

At #10, everyone guessed Andrea Lowell, which seemed fair, because no one knows who she is. It was CC, so they guessed her name again at #9, but it was Traci. Traci told us that she’s gotten more than 27 million hits on MSN, but since it was Google, she’ll let it slide. She’s so web-saavy. And horribly, horribly wrong.

Andrea didn’t actually show up until #6, above both Brigitte Nielsen and Chyna Doll. Ron got that one right, and Ron got the next one right also. The next question would be the final question if Ron got it right, and he did. (If anyone was wondering, the last four, from least to most hits, was Pepa, Mini-me, Vanilla Ice and Ron Jeremy himself.) So with that, Pep was eliminated, and we truly had a battle of Beauty vs. Beast for $100,000. That’s exactly how that movie went too, wasn’t it?

It’s a lot like CNN Situation Room.. . only for useless shit.

Robin told the final two that he would be back later to pick them up. Traci changed into a hot dress, and Ron laid around, moping. Robin came back and picked them up and took them to the “execution” as he called it. He dropped them off at an alley, and said they were to walk down the alley, and at the end of it was their fate. At the end of the well-lit alley was a person underneath a cloak, and who was it?

Why, it’s Kathy Griffin, she of the D-list. She says that she’ll be the judge of who wins the $100,000. Ron says that both he and Traci know Kathy very well, and we see the final count of the Name Drop-o-meter. If you had 37 in your office pool, congratulations on all the money you won.

Kathy had both Ron and Traci sit down across from her on a couch. Then Traci told us she was starting to get nervous and depressed, and for no reason whatsoever, we see a shot of “mirage” of Verne, looking like Obi-Wan Kenobi perhaps? Wtf VH1? Do you have some sort of crazy graphics quota you have to fill for each episode?

Anyways, first Kathy derides Ron for dressing like a hobo while Traci looks amazing. Ron said he didn’t know it made a difference how he appeared. I think that’s a hint you may not be an A-lister. A-listers dress well Ron; even Kennedy knows that.

The first challenge was to give an Oscar acceptance speech. Ron thanked his family, but he couldn’t remember any friends’ names. What happened to the name dropping Ron? It was kind of funny to hear Kathy’s voice-overs during each person’s speech, especially when she said she was going to take “crazy-lessons” from Traci. Funny AND true. Anyways, Traci’s sounded better and more sincere.

Ok, Im officially done with weed.

Next, the A-lister had to handle somebody shouting out a snide comment to them. Ron handled that one well, because I’m sure he’s gotten that a lot in the past 30 years he’s been in porn. Kathy pretended to yell “Are those boobs real?” to Traci, and Traci said, “The last time I checked they were. Wanna feel?” Ron was jealous that she would say that but that he couldn’t feel them. Also, I’m pretty sure they’re not real. Unless she means real in the way that you can feel and see them, like sand, as opposed to not real, like *SPOILER ALERT* Santa Claus.

After that, Kathy wanted to dance with each person as if they were on Dancing with the Stars. It could happen Ron; it worked for Heather Mills. Just start doing a lot of charity work. Anyways, Ron and Kathy danced slow, and it was kind of awkward, and he said he dances fast better. Then a fast song came on for Traci and Kathy to dance to, and Ron was jealous, perhaps not realizing that there would have been a long discussion about who would lead if there was a slow dance, and then it ultimately would have ended in chicks making out. Or maybe it was just less awkward for two girls to dance fast.

Finally, Kathy wanted to hear why each person thought they deserved to win. Ron started off boring, brought out being in the most movies ever, and he didn’t really have a good answer. However, Traci’s answer just made her sound insane, so I thought Ron won this point.

Kathy had had enough, and she was ready to make her ruling. She said she was only judging based on what had happened tonight, as she luckily didn’t have to watch the rest of the season like some of us. She had each person stand in front of a door. One door led to $100,000 and the “A-list,” and the other door led back to a sad, lonely existence, and title of #1 Loser. And that loser was…?

Ron. He walked in his door, and it led to a dead end, and he just had to stand there and get filmed looking like an idiot. Poor guy (that’s some sincere empathy people. I’ve been pretty rough on Ron, but this blows for him. And to just stand there like that? Very sad). Talk about a roller-coaster ride of a day he’s had.

That meant that Traci was our winner. She was literally ecstatic, but I’m not sure what she was more excited about: the money, the possible fame, or getting her picture taken by a bunch of paparazzi. She thanked a bunch of people, and then squealed with glee, and that was where the episode ended.

So what did you think of the episode? Were you on Ron’s side? Do you think anybody BUT Traci could have feasibly won this in the end? What’s your estimate of the damage Ron did to that house? Do you think they’ll have another Fame Games? And did anything ever come as a result of Traci winning this show?