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Yes, I know I used the same title that the show’s producers came up with. What can I say? It’s a good one and it certainly has all the qualities I try to impart in my own titles. I do feel cheesy using it though… My second choice was “Janice Dickenson is Still a Bitch.” And an ugly one at that. This week’s episode opened with a harrowing look at Janice: Behind the Mask. Oh. My. God. She is a downright disturbing-looking human before the two hours of work her stylists put into her face every day. You know how sometimes you’ll be hiking in the woods and stumble upon a perfectly good-looking deer carcass and say to yourself, “Hmm, a well-preserved dead deer. I think I’ll take the head and mount the antlers above my fireplace. This will prove to Dad finally that I AM a man and I can hunt and kill and all that manly stuff, even if I have to lie a little.” And so you go over to the dead deer and lift up the head but much to your disgust and dismay, as you lift the antlers it pulls the buck’s face off with the rack, exposing the decaying maggot-infested interstitial facial fatty tissue? Well, Janice Dickenson is just like that. Except she a human and not a deer and she’s alive and not dead. I think.
Wait, you mean you’ve never happened upon a dead deer and attempted to validate your manhood by stealing its antlers in a lame attempt to appease your father? Oh. It’s back to the therapist for me, I suppose. Keep in mind that the show only exposed the evil beast behind the Janice mask for a mere split second – as I’m sure her contract said something like, “You may not air one second of footage of me before I am made up for the day.” So VH1 aired about .85 seconds worth with the opening credits onscreen to boot… Well played, VH1, well played.After regrouping and refocusing on the show, I was treated to a shirtless Jose Canseco – Stanozolol bitch tits in full effect – flirting with International Swimsuit model, Caprice. Awwww, how sweet. With the ex-Mrs. Canseco gracing this month’s Playboy, maybe Mr. Steroids could woo a new girlfriend? “If she got into a gym and worked out, she’d be good looking.” Oh Jose can you see, your flirtations are just so undeniable! What a sweetheart.
At that point, the Surreal Gang pored over the latest issue of The Surreal Times. This issue told them that they would be driving out to the desert to partake in Carey Hart’s passion: Motocross. Who’s Carey Hart? Funny you should ask… he’s actually on the show! I know, I know, if you missed the last episode you wouldn’t believe it, but it’s true. And, it turns out, he’s a top motocross rider, who counts broken bones instead of trophies! He’s X-TREEM! One person who is decidedly not X-TREEM (but who can certainly be “extreme”) is The World’s First Supermodel, Janice Dickenson. She immediate threw her 536th tantrum of the 6 days she’s been in the house, storming off to call her agent to demand a pass on the day’s events. “I am not going to jeopardize myself for a reality show.” Wah-Waaaaahhhh. Later, her true fears came to light: “The desert is a hot, sunny place. I am actually JD2005a, an experimental being created by a team of rogue plastic surgeons and mad geneticists on an island off of Borneo. Corn syrup courses through my silicone veins and, quite frankly, baking in the desert sun would cause me to deform to such grotesque proportions, I’m not sure I’d be recognizable anymore. And I can’t have that.”
Balki wasn’t hearing it and he begged her to go along. For his efforts he was met with a fine, “Shut the hell up and get away from me.” You know what’s funny? Remember all those times on America’s Next Top Model when this bitch used to tell the terrified aspiring models that they’d need to do tons of things they didn’t want to do in this life and how that was all part of modeling? God, this woman has zero redeeming qualities. Pepa, however, has at least one rather daunting/impressive redeeming quality. I’ll let the pictures do the talking:
This shit is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s!
Once in the desert (with Janice in tow), they were led to a dusty motorcycle track in the middle of nowhere. My dreams of the production crew running back to the van and speeding off – leaving Omarosa and Janice to die slow deaths – were quickly dashed when Carey Hart busted a tabletop jump over their heads. Janice, completely forgetting that she didn’t want to come out here, began screaming, like the banshee she is, “OR-GASM!” Why? I don’t know. But I still hate her. A lot. Apparently seeing guys half her age in full motocross gear jump through the air causes her such sexual excitement that she spontaneously orgasms. Either that, or, she likes hearing herself say the stupidest shit at the stupidest times. You decide.
As promised, the Surrealers had to hop on a bike and try it out. Canseco was very hesitant at first. And for good reason – he sucks. He fell in 1st gear at about 8 mph on flat desert. That was still better than Janice who couldn’t start the bike and claimed to have hurt her ankle on the kick-start thing. “I have delicate ankles after walking 4 million miles on fashion runways.” I hope, at least, all those girls who Janice mercilessly bashed over the 4 seasons of Top Model are watching this show and getting some sort of pleasurable vindication. Put it this way, Janice is such a pathetic, ugly, despicable, horrible person, she makes you forget what a pathetic, ugly, despicable, horrible person Omarosa is! Omarosa was barely noticeable in this episode, if you can believe that.
Anyway, the gang made their way around the track in 1st gear until, all of a sudden, Caprice zoomed by in 2nd and took a pretty hard digger over a little jump. The poor thing did fall rather hard. However, she bounced up quickly, brushed it off, and resumed her ride. At that, Jose exclaimed, “She has more balls than I do.” Kids, if you need still more proof that steroids are bad, there you have it. At the end of the day, Caprice “won” for being the best rider (she actually was, ironic as it may seem) and got a prize. Oddly, it turned out to be a tiny little motorcycle, like the Shriners ride at your local Independence Day parade. That reminds me – WTF are the Shriners and why the hell do they ride around in circles on mini motorbikes? What stage of senility must one reach to think that that is a worthy pursuit?
Back at the Surreal House, it was “contrived slumber party” time, and each guest could invite a friend. Pepa brought in Spinderella, which was pretty cool. Janice brought some loser named Vince, Caprice invited some girlfriend, Hart brought in his boy, and Jose brought his dog, Zeus. Balki brought…no one. Geez, I knew the dude was a loser, but this is getting sad. Where was Cousin Larry for Christ’s sake? Help a brother out! In the end, Zeus and the resident 3-legged dog Lucky seemed to have the most fun, except when poor Lucky was trying to get lucky, he kept falling over due to his missing appendage. Yes, I was watching gay crippled dog sex on my TV and laughing at it. Is that bad?
In one last filler segment, we were promised lingerie but what we got instead was Caprice in a robe (more or less), Omarosa in something slinky but I had to turn my head and dream of the gay dogs to cleanse my eyes, and Jose and Carey Hart in women’s underwear. Sigh. Please, give us more of the gay dogs and less of the “not gay but think it’s funny to pretend to be sorta gay” guys in bras and panties. Seriously.