Survivor: Chlamydia

The latest episode of The Surreal Life contained one of the funniest cameos in television history. OK, OK, perhaps that’s a bit too much of a compliment, but damn, Tim Stack is one funny and ballsy dude. His jokes and insults flew out of his mouth faster and more furiously than if Triumph the Insult Comic Dog himself was on the show. Then again, with the likes of Omarosa and Janice Dickenson on the same show, hurling insults is an expected necessity more than anything else.

The show began with the rousing of the Surreal Lifers after their night of drunken carousing at The Palms in Las Vegas. You’ll recall that The World’s First Supermodel Janice Dickenson made quite a slaggy spectacle of herself the previous night, groping any man within 10 feet after her disgusting whoring for Jose Canseco didn’t pan out. Everyone groaned the tell tale hangover groans and awoke to a nice breakfast spread. Immediately Jose lashed out at the still-sleeping Janice, “Dealing with her last night was the biggest pain in the ass, ever.” This from a guy who dated Madonna. And believe me, with all that built up scar tissue from his steroid injections, Jose knows ass pain. Still desperately trying to “fit in” with the human race, Bronson (Balki) Pinchot chimed in, “Yeah, she treats the man like a salt lick in a cow barn.” Is it me or does it seem like Balki took the Yakov Smirnov “Learn Comedy in 30 Minutes” on tape course before entering the Surreal House? Even his syntax is stilted like a recent Russian immigrant.
After the gang rubbed the sleep out of their collective eyes and successfully rid themselves of visions of Janice’s nasty cooch from the night before, the still-high plastic queen appeared and announced her arrival thusly: “Who warmed you up for this reality show bitch? What did I bring? A couple of cockrings and a condom.” Now, in almost any other circumstance I would say that the editors got a bit creating and spliced together that nonsensical and slightly lurid quote to make Janice look more insane than she might be. However, in her case, I’m going to only assume that is exactly how she said those three asinine sentences. She was visibly and audibly still drunk (or coked out) in the morning while slurring the above sentences. But again, let’s recall that she didn’t want to wear a nightgown a month ago for fear of upsetting her children. This only confirms my previous suspicions that she consistently refuses to show any skin above her waistline and below her collarbones because she is simply no longer human. As I’ve said, she’s a geneticist/plastic surgeon’s experiment gone awry – only now I believe that Larry Flynt had his hand in her creation as well. By the end of the series (which is when, by the way?) I plan on revealing my full detailed analysis on the genesis of “The World’s First Supermodel” version JD1.0. Stick around for that – it’s gonna be good. It involves Bonobo monkeys, space shuttle tiles, and Robotussin. I’m almost there… Just a few more ingredients to discern…

Before the meat of the show (with the aforementioned Tim Stack), we were treated to two short vignettes, “Surreal Life” style. In one, Janice declared that she would not be participating in anything that involved water (Hmm, maybe she’s part Gremlin too!) because of her “bronchitis.” Quick edit to scenes of her mouth-kissing various dumbass guys at the club the night before – all 8 of ‘em – then quick edit back to the morning scene of her hocking up a nice loogie. Ok, we get it. She’s a disgusting whore who is very most likely Patient Zero for some new form of some horrible disease. Hopefully her creators have an “auto-destruct” button and hopefully their finger is hovering over it as I write. In the next little scene, International model Caprice was rhetorically asking Balki if they had to wear swimsuits. For no reason other than he’s a dirty old man, Balki pulled down the front of his drawers, showed her his ween, and stated, “Here’s my suit.” Yeah, I didn’t get his point either – then again, that may be because I’m not a sexually repressed exhibitionist pathetic freak.

Except on Fridays, but I have a doctor’s note. Anyway, the main activity this week was a funny send up of Survivor, hosted by “Jeff Probe,” a.k.a. Tim Stack. He was great off the bat, saying to the cast, “Come on in guys!” Now, we here at TVgasm have a field day with Chenbot’s, “Drop your bags,” and “But first,” but we never really peg Jeff Probst on his twice weekly, “Bring it/come on in guys.” It was good to see that Stack has caught on to it – no way was it a coincidence. The first competition called for each cast member to make their way across the lagoon to a group of tanning hardbodies and rubbing 5 dollops of lotion into their skin. Stack enjoyed demonstrating on a moderately attractive girl by rubbing and rubbing and then rubbing some more. The funny part (to me) was that Balki was saying to himself, “what’s so weird about the fact that Tim Stack keeps rubbing her thighs long after the lotion had disappeared? Why are people laughing? Why is he acting like that’s wrong? I don’t get it? Let me start rubbing a girl. *drool.*”

True to her word, Janice sat down at the outset and didn’t participate. Carey Hart and Omarosa ran around the pool while the others waded across. Stack made some lame jokes about Pepa’s bazoombas and each person began rubbing in the lotion. Pity poor Balki who didn’t get there soon enough to land a babe, but rather was left with a rather Sasquatch looking gentleman. Couldn’t have happened to a better perv. I don’t even remember who won, but someone was eliminated along with Janice and then it was time for the second event. This entailed wading across the same lagoon and downing two virgin margaritas and wading back across. At the word “virgin,” Balki perked up and declared that he was most cut out for this event. Conversely, Janice’s blew some neurons trying to remember 4th grade. The challenge was completely idiotic, so Stack did his best to perk up the commentary.

While the housemates were making their way across the pool, Omarosa yelled out for help compelling Stack to announce, “Omarosa calls for help, hopefully on the edge of drowning.” I rewound the TiVo to make sure I heard that correctly – and I had. If that weren’t great enough, once she reached the safety of land Stack intoned, “Sadly, she didn’t die.” Wow, that was awesome. One of my grand ideas to perk up the current state of television is to have people like Tim Stack (and B-Side and J-Unit and, well, me) announce NFL or MLB (or whatever) games while making the off-color comments we all say on our couches at home. How great would that be? “Oh, look, there’s Neon Deion Sanders prancing on the sidelines like a coked up club kid trying to get noticed at the back of the Limelight line. Man, I hate him… Back to you, Tim!” Back in the real (Surreal) world, brains were freezing as they slurped down the frozen concoctions. “Suck it, Jose,” yelled Stack. Carey, who downed his drinks the fastest but was feeling queasy, asked Janice how to make himself vomit. I’m telling you, the jokes were flying at me like I was the little ship in Asteroids.

The third contest was even more ridiculous. The remaining players had to again get across the pool and kiss someone on the lips for 5 full seconds – or 1 second if the person was of the same sex. Yeah, like Balki cared. (Actually, he had been eliminated in one of the more fortuitous events of the day.) The remaining players were Pepa, Omarosa, and Carey. Omarosa was the slowest as she lingered during her kiss with Jose Canseco, who had been inserted as one of the kisses. For the first time ever, I actually felt bad for the wife beating, drug abusing prick. After writing that description of him I just paused and thought about it and yeah, I actually did feel bad for him. If you’re not getting my point, I detest Omarosa. [Random aside: I read Jose's ex-wife's comments in Playboy and she said that his balls totally disappeared while on the juice, but his peen proper got bigger due to the Human Growth Hormones. Quite a conundrum, eh boys?]

The Surreal Survivor finals pitted Carey against Pepa and involved diving to the pool bottom to get playing cards adding up to 21. It was no contest as Pepa refused to dive underwater lest she get her weave wet. Stack yelled, “Pepa go down,” and then made an aside to the camera, “How many times has she heard that before?” Heck, if she hadn’t before, she’ll certainly hear it 24-7 after her banana incident a few episodes ago. So Carey won immunity – no, not from the multitude of Janice borne diseases, but immunity from being voted out of Vegas. The gang voted Tribal Council style and other than Omarosa’s random vote against Jose (“Because if I didn’t we’d end up shagging tonight”), everyone voted for Janice to get the hell away from them. Like the unfunny jackass we all knew in Jr. High, Janice cheered a little too loudly and acted a little too happy at being shunned by the group. Her faux-joy ended when she learned that she’d have to drive back to Los Angeles herself… In a 1992 Ford Aspire. If you’re not familiar with the Aspire’s stylings, think Le Car without the cool French vibe.

While Janice putt-putted her way across the desert making stops at fast food joints, gas stations, and truck stops (no joke and yes, she fit right in), the six in Vegas grabbed dinner and enjoyed their time without The World’s First Supermodel. During the meal, some Grimace shaped Mexican woman approached Canseco and began hitting on him unmercilessly. As Balki rightly noted, “This guy can’t go anywhere without old whoring hags hitting on him!” I did notice a glimmer in Jose’s eye as he noted along with me that this woman was shaped just like one of his missing testicles – hence his stunned silence.

As promised in the “Coming next week,” snippets last episode, Deviant Balki made an appearance. On the bus ride back to LA, he began carressing Caprice’s back – which made her feel good but trust me, it made him feel much better. I’ll spare you the skeevy play by play, but Balki essentially weasled his way into her bunk with the proven, “Annoy into submission” technique employed by assholes in colleges everywhere. Except this was an adult… on TV. Once he had worked his way into a spooning position with the model, she had to tell him to “get [his] weiner that way.” Nice. Not taking the not-so-subtle hint, Balki later triumphantly declared, “I will have sex with Caprice.” As I turned my head to vomit, I noticed him setting up a little shrine on his bed with some centerfolds of the blond lass and then I realized… He was going to have sex with her – even though she was 4 rooms away.

Ah yes, once again I’ve successfully ended a Surreal Life recap with a disturbing image. Which is only fair since I actually have to watch the show – and you only need to read about it. And so I say, “Whack it Balki, whack it hard, whack it fast.”