What happens in Vegas, stays in heavy vh1 rotation

I’m not sure how many episodes of The Surreal Life are remaining, but we must be getting near the end of the season. Heck, I hope so as I need to clear out a lot of TiVo space for the impending fall season. The sad part is that I have two dual input machines. Ahhhhh, sweet, sweet TV, I suckle at your cathode teat. With that in mind, I caressed my ergonomic remote control (I call him “Mr. Buttons” but you don’t need to know that) and prepared for another half hour of Janice Dickenson being herself. That is, being a complete idiot.

The houseguests were roused at 7AM with no idea what was in store for them. Amid the grumbles and groans, Carey Hart grabbed the day’s Surreal Times and learned they were all off to Vegas, baby. Without the “Vegas(t)” idea of why they were going there, they quickly packed for Sin City and clambered aboard a luxury bus. (I know that my use of “Vegas(t)” instead of “vaguest” wasn’t funny or really all that clever. In fact, it was probably hard to decipher. However, I decided it was such a reach and so stupid that my inner editor left it in the recap. This reminds me, there is a job open for the position of my inner editor. Please send your resumes to my email address below. You must describe your ability to “get inside my brain” and control me like a marionette.)Wow, that was random. Hey, with this show, I need filler. Like, seeing the nice luxury bus the show provided, I was reminded of “Missy Elliot’s Road to Stardom” and how they gave the hopefuls the crappiest bus in history to drive around “on tour” in. I thought that was pretty cool. Okay, I’ll stick to the show here on out. I promise. During the drive to Las Vegas, Omarosa drank way too much coffee and her giant gums just would not stop flapping. Like the rest of the world, she expressed amazement at the fact that she was featured in an E! “True Hollywood Story” last year. Gee willikers – I just checked and that THS was about ALL of the Apprentices, not just her. But why interrupt her delusions of grandeur? She went on to happily admit that she can’t even go to the grocery store anymore without getting mobbed by “fans.” Not content with leaving it at that, she bragged to everyone that she had signed with an agent and had many projects lined up. I’m sure this was scintillating to the busload of people who have all had agents and money for years. Even Balki was laughing at her. But behind the laughter were tears… Balki’s life wasn’t all laughs and big paydays; we’ll explore his descent into depression and drug use after the break. (How’s that for a THS segue?)

After teasing the gang with a glimpse of the Strip, the bus veered south to an out-of-the-way baseball field. As it turned out, the gang would be playing softball against an unknown team. After their last experience in a similar sporting event set-up, I’m sure they were all thinking the same thing: “Please Dear Lord, not more retarded kids.” A stretch hummer arrived and their opponents spilled from its cavernous confines.

We all know how B-Side loves the travel maps

Nope, not retarded kids this time – but adults with the retarded job of being professional look-alikes. Awesome. There was Tina Turner, Dolly Parton, and Elton John. And there was Stevie Wonder, Madonna and Michael Jackson (with bodyguard)! And finally, fake Jose Canseco! Since fake Jose was really huge, I came to the immediate conclusion that fake Jose also took real steroids. Fake Dolly Parton assuredly also had fake ta-ta’s, but that lent itself to the always-entertaining slow motion running-to-first-base footage, complimented by the boob-tastic sounds of slide trombones and tympani drums.

The most amazing and (dare I say) surreal part of the entire episode was the fact that Janice was actually eager to play ball. This left everyone speechless and wondering which drugs she accidentally took that morning. Another oddity occurred when Omarosa stared at a shirtless (and unfortunately, braless) Jose Canseco and stated in her most sultry voice, “My word, what steroids can do to a body – Mmmmm-mmm!” Yes, they can turn retired baseball players into pudgy broken-down spousal abusers with C cups. Whatever floats your boat, Omarosa, whatever floats your boat. The winning team would win $5000 in chips for the Palms casino and a night’s stay in the infamous Real World suite. I feel badly for The Palms as word is that they’ve finally just identified and killed off the various fungi and bacteria from Trishelle’s stay in the suite. Now they would have to start from scratch again after Janice’s stay, should her team win. Sigh… Whores… You gotta love ‘em – everyone else has!

On the field, the game began with fake Stevie Wonder behind the plate. Damn, that’s pretty funny, I must admit. With fake Tina Turner on the mound throwing obvious balls, Stevie was still calling strikes, much to the consternation of Caprice who was at-bat. The sad part is that I don’t think she was in on the joke – kinda like when Balki had to explain the meaning of the team name, “Dead Ringers.” See, what I’m saying is, the girl is dumb. I enjoyed the Dead Ringers and their impersonations. Fake Michael Jackson was awesome in the outfield, with his bodyguard holding an umbrella over him at all times. He also played offense with a very King of Pop(fly) flair, moonwalking his way down the base paths. The game was quite close, as fake Jose was hitting bombs out to left field, forcing none other than the World’s First Supermodel to chase down bouncing balls. Supply your own joke here.

To be fair, Janice actually has a decent arm and throwing motion. Balki, on the other hand, proved himself to be the most unathletic, uncoordinated dork since… Well, put it this way; he was worse (much worse) than fake Dolly Parton and fake Tina Turner. Can Balki do anything that isn’t painful to watch? He’s a social misfit, a sexually immature buffoon, and a gawky fool – and his bald spot ain’t helping either. And next episode, we get to see him rub his boner on Caprice’s backside… I kid you not. Folks, this is why TV was invented. The game itself came down to the last inning and the last at-bat. The wind up… The pitch… The swing… It’s a hit to shallow left field! Carey Hart is racing under it with the sun in his eyes! He stumbles… He gathers his balance…he… He… Caught the ball! THUHHHHHH Surreal Lifers win! THUHHHHHH Surreal Lifers win!

If that weren’t exciting enough, after the game it was revealed that fake Jose was actually Jose’s very real twin brother. The doppelgangers bonded by comparing bacne, shriveled testes, and kidney failures. It was all very heartwarming and quaint, but the cast had to move on to The Palms to party the night away. After everyone got dolled up and hit the club, everyone began drinking and dancing. One person, however, was in heat and began the now weekly tradition of completely embarrassing herself in one way or another. Yes, Janice Dickenson the old slutty hag, was on fire for Jose’s bat and balls, so to speak. Wearing a too-short skirt (exposing her ample thigh bruising), she proceeded to dole out unwanted lap dances to the slugger who stared off into space, wishing he could be anywhere but downwind of this skank’s coochie-coo. After he finally saw his escape and went for it, Janice moved her sloppy used-up vagina onto Balki’s thigh. Now, when Balki is not excited by your overt sexual advances, you know it’s time to give it up. That dude would bang a jack-o-lantern.

“Ugh,” he coughed as he pushed The World’s First Supermodel away from him. “She’s got a plastic vagina,” Balki said to the camera. That is just such a weird insult I can’t think of anything to add to it, so I’ll leave it at that. In fact, I’m going to leave you with that final image, just to give you something to think about during your next meal.

Bon Appetit!