I love this time of year. The air is crisp, the days begin to shorten, the countdown to the multi-cultural-holiday-season can almost begin and a time when a network no one really watches decides to bring together the who’s who of who’s that under one roof.

Previous seasons of The Surreal Life have given voice to likes of MC Hammer, Emmanuel Lewis, Corey Feldman, Vanilla Ice, Ron Jeremy and that old chick from 90210…no the other old chick.

Needless, to say this season had a lot to live up to.

How can a show maintain the integrity, the honesty…the reliability of its predecessors? As if performing a public service to warn children of the prolong effects of exposure to drugs and alcohol, VH1 has given roof to Flava Flav, Charro, Bridgette Nielson and some less interesting decent people.Before I begin my bitter barrating of VH1′s Surreal Life cast, I would just like to take a personal moment to give big ups to Dave Coulier. There is nothing wrong with this man. He comes off as a stand-up guy (pun not intended). I have been a huge fan (term used loosely) of his since a little show in the 80′s OUT OF CONTROL, which when I was 6 in 1984 was all the must see TV I needed. After a long hiatus from TV he is a welcome addition back into my prime time.

Editors Note – The above mentioned fanatacism over Dave Coulier, was not intended to sound half as gay as it ultimately did. If you felt as uncomfortable as I, please level yourself off here before continuing with the article.

Its been a while since Joey Fatone graced the screen in BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING, or Joey McIntyre taught the children of BOSTON PUBLIC. I it is time to be exposed to another former boy band member who just doesn’t get it. Thankfully Craig Burk of Evolution Talent Agency (who reps such musical icons as LFO, ACE OF BASE, LOU BEGA, AARON CARTER, B*Witched the list goes yawn..on, the list goes on) agrees and decided it was time to allow his client NKOTB’s very own Jordon Knight to make his television return.

What took him so long? Jordan Knight is charismatic, funny, charming. Why, he’s TV GOLD! Here’s one doozy from the pilot episode, he moves into the backroom, puts his luggage in the doorway, and takes a nap not talking to anyone!!! MY GOODNESS!! WHAT WONT HE DO!? That Nut!

What would the house be without the young obligatory vixen like , bitchy, alcoholic slut? (Season one, Jerri. Season two, Trishelle.) Well, based on her punk rock fashion during the 1st season of American Idol, I’m sure that’s exactly what the Producers thought they were getting when they brought on Ryan Starr.

Much to their chagrin it turns out Ryan is not a drinker. She mimed a glass of wine when the guests all did a house toast. She doesn’t cuss. What an F’ing shame. And she doesn’t have sex…at all…yet. Though they will never admit it, you know someone in casting got fired for that. Damn decent, sweet smoking hot chicks, they make lousy TV.

So far, this isn’t turning out to be the event programming one would hope for. Nice comic, sleeping NKOTB kid, virgin rock star? Don’t worry there are enough whack jobs to go around.

Let’s breeze through Charro. She’s old. She has big nubs. She has bad facial surgery. And I don’t know what the hell she says. Oh, and my dad tells me she was on a show called LOVE BOAT which I think is just a rip off of that show from UPN that ran a few seasons ago called LOVE BOAT: THE NEXT WAVE.

Former wife of Sly Stallone makes her reality debut naked, drunk and very European. There was a time when this exotic beauty would be called both exotic and a beauty. However time has torn Bridget Nielson to bits. Now she resembles my grandfather’s golf buddie Lester (photo to come), With her looks fading, and by fading I mean gone, and by gone I mean wow she’s hideous, she can no longer mask her complete insanity. How on Earth can anyone be romantically involved with this whack job, let alone live with her ? Be romantically involved in and live with…..FLAVA FLAV.

I am not sure if this is a screen cap from the show or perhaps where the producers found Flava Flav during casting, pushing a shopping cart in Hollywood.

Anyway you slice it, this guy is really something. He is a scared straight program in pants.

Though I would probably cross the street if I saw him walking towards me in a dark lonely street, I have to say this is one well intentioned guy. Like Lenny in Of Mice And Men, I don’t think he would mean to snap her neck, it would just happen…Its not his fault, she was screaming.

The most incredible thing to come of the show thus far has been the unlikely pairing of Flava and Bridget. Watching the two of them canoodle is like watching the drunk couple making up when she decides not to press charges on another favorite reality show, COPS. It’s awkward, its wrong its uncomfortable, yet somewhat sweet. Kinda like when Corky found Debbi on LIFE GOES ON. You don’t wanna see it, but its nice they found each other.

Well, Surreal Life 3 is chalk full of characters, booze, former drug addicts, virgins, foreigners and fake boobs to make for one interesting season. The Gasm will be watching and posting, and you will be watching and reading.

QUESTION:
Who thinks they deserve more than just 15 minutes of fame?

ANSWER: