The Unusuals: Crime Slut

This week on The Unusuals, Beaumont becomes part of a case that she is desperate to keep hidden. Delahoy questions his life as he investigates a missing man who got up and disappeared after being pronounced dead.

Walsh and Beaumont are screwing in Walsh’s closet. They burst out. She says that the raincoat ruined it. They start to get dressed. Then her phone rings. She tells the person on the phone that she’ll get them their money. She apologizes for saying the same thing the week before. Walsh pops his head in and asks who was on the phone. She says it was Cole with a case.

Beaumont can’t find her watch. Asks if Walsh has seen it. He offers to lend her his grandfather’s watch until she finds hers. She is reluctant to accept such a nice watch, but he insists. (Who wears watches these days? Seriously?)

At a pawn shop a dude is trying to sell the pawnbroker his arms and legs. (Maybe he has that syndrome that’s the opposite of phantom limb syndrome and figures he’ll profit from it?) Beaumont walks in and throws down some jewelry onto the counter. Says she’ll take 2200 for it. The pawnbroker says no. She points out that one of the pieces has a real diamond. (Big whoop, diamonds range in price from a couple bucks to millions. I got some hot Herkermer diamonds if you’re interested.) He says he’ll reconsider the price if she throws in the watch. (Don’t see what the big deal is, kind of an ugly watch.) She says no.

A guy and a girl walk into the store. The girl jumps Beaumont, smashing her in the skull with a shotgun. She tells her accomplice to kill Beaumont if she tries to move. While holding the pawnbroker at gunpoint she asks to see a set of pearl earrings and necklace behind him. He hands them over and she says they’ll be perfect. She catches sight of Walsh’s watch and says to give it up. Walsh resists so she threatens her with the gun again. Walsh hands over the watch and the perps flee. Beaumont gets up and tells the pawn shop broker to call 911. She runs outside. (This happens a lot on this show. Apparently they have very good getaway cars -which seems unlikely in New York or they have Speedy Gongalez powers.)

Over the intercom Dispatch says “Stocks are down, layoffs are up, booze is selling and crime is on the rise.”

Banks is hovering around the 911 call receiving area. Banks is watching one woman who is answering a call about what she thinks is a fire. She tells the person on the phone to call the fire department when she gets the information that the perp is on fire. (Really would have liked to see this, much funnier than just hearing about it. If you can’t place her the actress is the flaming baton lady from Miss Congeniality, a highly under rated Sandra Bullock classic. Hey, don’t laugh it has Michael Caine damnit!) Delahoy walks up to Banks and ask why prisons have such nice names like Sing-Sing. He says they should be called something like “Agony dungeon, race-war Prison”. Banks asks if Eric is tired of talking to himself. Delahoy replies that they have a missing persons case. (I’m so confused. I thought this show was about the homicide department and not Robbery? Because that’s mainly what they are doing…)

Schraeger is helping deal with a group of hispanic women in formalware. It’s all the women from a fight that broke out at a Miss Puerto Rico pageant. Walsh grabs Casey and threatens to put a bell around her neck. Says they have to go because there was a pawn store robbery.

The go to the pawn store and the pawnbroker explains about the guy and girl who came in and stole the jewelry and robbed a “sexy hispanic woman” of her watch. Walsh has an idea who it might be. He asks the pawnbroker if the guy is was bald. The guy agrees that he was and Walsh says the guy is Marvin Bechamel, a guy that was born to be caught.

Banks and Delahoy go to check out their missing persons case at a Hospice Center. They meet with a Dr. Cook and a woman named Maria Belzor. She explains that her husband who was sick with a terminal brain cancer on his temporal lobe got up and left. It’s really worrisome because he has lost most of his memories and speech due to the tumor. An orderly saw him get up and leave at 5:15 am. While they are talking Delahoy picks up a book from the table and pockets it, Kurt Vonnegutt’s Cat’s Cradle. Banks and Delahoy don’t think it’s that strange that the guy got up and left, but the Dr. explains that the weird part is that 15 minutes beforehand she had pronounced him dead.

Walsh and Schraeger have Marvin in custody. They tell him he needs to stop wearing a ‘Marvin’ necklace if he doesn’t want to keep getting caught. He hands the necklace over to Walsh and defends himself by saying there are lots of Marvins in the city. Schraeger agrees sarcastically and says that there are tons of Eleanors running around, too. Walsh asks about the girl Marvin was with. He says that the pawn shop owner said Marvin was the kind of guy who would “crack like an egg,” and that the girl would leave Marvin. Marvin says no, they are getting married. He gets misty eyed and explains that “My whole life the only women who would look at me would have neck hair, or one eye.” (He’s no prize either, with a hairlip and googly eyes. like marries like, it’s science.) He starts spouting terrible prose about the woman he committed the crime with. Says she’s “Like cotton candy.” Casey coos and agrees it’s wonderful and then casually asks the name of Marvin’s love and he slips up and let’s slip “Rose.” He tries to cover up by then saying “Carmelita,” and that he won’t give her up because she’s his lucky day.

The pawn shop broker is at the station going through a book of mug shots. He says the woman who robbed him was hot and asks to see “The hot book.”

Delahoy is on the phone getting information about Howard Belzor, the dead guy who got up and walked out of the hospice center. Banks is jittery about what happened. Delahoy concludes the DR just made a mistake. (This is actually pretty plausible considering all the scientific research out lately on what it means to be brain dead and they’ve been making mistakes over it for years.) Delahoy reads the first line of Cat’s Cradle out loud. Banks is horrified that Delahoy stole it. Delahoy muses on why Mr. Belzor would have picked it as his last book to read.

Beaumont walks into the station as Brown is relaying the last location of Howard Belzor to Banks and Delahoy. Brown notices the gash on her head from being hit by the shotgun. She says that she bumped it getting out of her car. (Her car having big jagged edges on the door.) Beaumont grabs Cole and tells him that they have a case, to shut up and not tell anyone where they are going. He points out that he has no idea where they are going.

The pawn shop owner catches sight of her and follows her into the gaggle of Miss Puerto Rico wannabes, and he can’t tell anymore. Brown grabs Walsh and says there’s been another robbery, this time at a bridal shop. Cole questions Beaumont as to why they are investigating the pawn shop case when it is Schraeger’s and Walsh’s job.

Walsh and Schraeger are walking outside to go to their car. Davis is standing there with flowers. Walsh heads to get the car. Davis explains they are the state flowers of Utah so Casey responds that she’d “Love them, if I was Mormon.” He says that she should forgive him because she needs him because she doesn’t have many friends. Also because he’s tall. This gets a chuckle out of her. He asks if he can take her to dinner, something expensive, maybe lobster? She’s looks at him suspiciously. I would, too. The guy is kind of creepy in a sugar daddy way. He quickly says that “You can mace me if you aren’t having a good time.” (I think macing would be considered foreplay for Schraeger. Guess it would turn the evening around.) she agrees by saying she gets off at 6.

Brown sits Alvarez down. “People don’t like you.” Alvarez keeps trying to interrupt and Brown tells him to shut up. He says that Alvarez thinks he’s better then all of them, but he can’t put off the lone wolf thing the way Delahoy can. He tells Alvarez that headquarters want him to host a team building exercise. At first he thought it was stupid but then he realized it would be the perfect opportunity for Alvarez to get involved with everyone. He wants Alvarez to design the exercise. Alvarez says he won’t let Brown down. (Cops doing trust falls and human knots. Cop Camp…brought to you by ABC. The next smash hit!)

Banks and Delahoy go to a deli, the place that Howard Belzor was last seen. The shopkeeper, a short guy with a thick accent says that the guy who came in was walking slowly, moaning, maybe he was stoned? (I’m sorry, never seen anyone stoned act like this. There would be lots more going on than stoned in my book.) There is food scattered through the aisles. The shopkeeper says that a kid got it on video. When Banks and Delahoy walk over to get see the video on the kid’s phone the kid says “Screw you!” Banks angrily askes “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? The kid responds by saying “Kissed yours last night.” (I personally would wash the kid’s mouth out with tabasco and soap if he said that, but it’s pretty funny in a Departed Way.” They watch the video and it appears that Howard Belzor is a zombie, complete with red stained mouth and vacate stare. (Gosh, wouldn’t it be cool if the show just turned into a weekly zombiepocolypse tale? The ratings would be through the roof.)

Schraeger and Walsh go to the Bridal shop to take the statement of the clerk. The description of the female suspect matches the one from the pawnbroker, but the description of the male robber is of a black man this time. Walsh realizes that this woman is a crime slut. (Possibly the worst episode name of a ‘scripted’ Television show ever.) A crime slut is someone who takes a different accomplice on every job. The clerk tells them they can watch the security footage. They watch the video of the suspect Rose knocking out the clerk and then trying on dresses. While watching, deadpan Casey comments, “She shouldn’t have gone with backless.” Then she realizes what we’ve known all episode…That Rose is trying to steal a wedding. (to be fair, weddings are really expensive. You could buy a new car for what even semi cheap ones cost.)

Banks and Delahoy are driving and trying to figure out why Howard Belzor was found in Brooklyn. According to his family he grew up elsewhere and has no ties to Brooklyn. Delahoy gets irritated that Banks keeps calling Howard a zombie. Over the radio Banks’ 911 girl makes an announcement about the suspects from the Bridal robbery. Banks has a retarded lovely dovey look on his face. Delahoy offers her name. Bridget Thermopolis.” Says he knows things. But he quickly admits that he did some research. He suggests that maybe Banks should get her to talk dirty to him over her tin can.

Cole and Beaumont are walking together. They bump into a guy Beaumont calls Handsome Jim, which I hope is used ironically because the guy looks about 4 days awake on meth. She asks him if he knows anything about a female stick up artist.” He says he can help her if her partner has something to do. Yonder is a hot dog stand where conveniently Frank is is getting a hot dog. Cole tells him not to turn around or look at his partner and just walk away. Of course Frank takes a peek. Frank says he’s looked into Walsh and that “He’s a big girl.” He offers to get some Jamaican kung fu master to off Walsh. (Because it’s so passé to use Asian kung fu masters these days.) Beaumont interrupts by saying she has the name. Rose Trumble. they have an address. She asks if Cole is okay and he mutters about someone harrassing someone.

Schraeger and Walsh bring Marvin in. They tell him about the other robbery and the dress Rose stole. They say that the wedding is still on, but not with him. They show him the pictures. But Marvin is not as dumb as he looks. He agrees that Rose is a crime slut and gives up her address.

Alvrarez grabs Walsh, as he and Casey go to get car. He asks him for pointers on designing the team building exercise. Walsh asks him if he’s ever been on a team. Alvarez is miffed, says he’s a leader, not part of the pack. Walsh says, “You can’t lead a pack without being part of it.”

At The Chinese Food restaurant they always go to, Brown bumps into Delahoy. He notices Delahoy’s stoeln copy of Cat’s Cradle. Says that it’s a great book, about the end of the world, but really it’s about how your family is not your family, your family is the people you meet along the way, the friends and co-workers. while Brown is talking Delahoy opens up his fortune. It says “The end will be the same as the beginning.” He starts to ruminate on it, and has a House moment. You know, that OOOHHH moment in every House episode. He is realizing why Howard might have gone to Brooklyn.

Casey and Walsh are entering Rose’s building. Casey says “I could never be a slut. I have no interest in seeing that many penises.” (Do I really need to touch this one?) Rose’s accomplice is sitting on the couch when they arrive. His name is Wiley. (Not very Wiley if he’s sitting in the apartment of a robbery suspect. Can I get a Meep Meep?) Cole and Beaumont crash through the door. She says she got a tip on the suspect’s gun. Just then Rose conveniently arrives, and begins shooting. They take cover and return fire. She escapes the way she came, locking them in the building.

They bring Wiley to the station for questioning. Walsh tell him that the clerk from the video is in intensive care with a fractured skull. while he is talking to him Casey opens the interrogation door while escorting Marvin. They say this is Rose’s fiance and that Wiley is the guy who did the bridal robbery with her. Marvin flips out. Casey shuts the door again. Walsh suggests that he can find a cell for Wiley and Marvin to share.

Wiley says that it was all a mistake. That he’s a stockbroker. (Doesn’t sound like a mistake to me. Because we all know they are all criminals!) He was arrested last year and there was an article in the paper about him. Rose wrote to him in prison and came to visit. He asks Walsh if he’s ever had “Conjugal trailer sex,” because it’s crazy. Walsh says no. Wiley continues his story, saying that Rose never called him once he was out, but out of the blue she called and said she loves him and she wants to marry him tonight. Wiley says he never meant to hurt anyone. Walsh slips him a piece of paper and asks him to write it down. (It doesn’t seem clear why he was arrested in the first place.)

Banks sees Bridget walking down the hall with the other dispatch girls, all Mad Men like. She tries to say hello and he freaks and bolts. She makes a sad face. He moans to Delahoy that he’s “The stupidest man alive.” Delahoy counters with the fact that Howard Belzor was not always Howard Belzor. His parents died when he was young and he was adopted. He was originally from Brooklyn. Delahoy says “He’s trying to get back to happy kid land,” before he dies.

The pawn shop broker has come up with a picture with one of the sketch artists. They show it to Casey. She realizes it’s Beaumont. She asks Beaumont where she went. He says she went to pick up Chinese. Casey goes to chinese place, where Beaumont is sitting down. (Don’t think Cole, or perhaps the writers know the difference between picking up Chinese and sitting down to eat Chinese.)

Casey shows Beaumont the sketch, asks if it looks like anyone she knows. Beaumont confesses to being at the pawn shop and losing Walsh’s watch. Casey says that Walsh is reasonable so why not just tell him. Beaumont says she can’t. She says the only was the job works is if they trust each other. Beaumont explains she’s broke because her docked 1500 a month from a civil case when she was on patrol. The perp’s neck got broken during the arrest. He’s fine but she’s still paying. Casey puts 2+2 together and realizes that Beaumont is sleeping with Walsh. Walsh calls and Casey gets ready to stand up. Beaumont asks if shes gonna tell him.

Walsh and Schraeger question Rose’s mother. Rose’s mother says that Rose would do anything for her ex, Rose’s father. The father has just been sentenced with 25-life and all he wants before he goes away is to see his daughter get married. They ask if there’s anyone particular she would marry. The mother shrugs it off. They ask if she has seen Rose. She says she saw her only an hour ago, she came by for a dress.

Brown says they are expecting the wedding, sending different teams to different parts of New York because there are not a lots of places to get married in New York after dark. Not sure of groom but she likes to write to inmates so they’re checking corrections, Banks and Delahoy say they can’t go beause they have to go to Brooklyn for their missing persons case. Brownsays to beware because she’s fired on cops and bashed someone’s skull in. He assigns himself to partner with Alvarez who is shocked. Beaumont scurries over to casey. Says “If you find her before me…” Casey cuts her off with “I’ll call.” (I really don’t get the drama. Wouldn’t Walsh easily figure out she’s broke from files? It’s not completely her fault. Who knows how the guy broke his neck. There’s bigger holes in the plotlines of this show than the Hindenberg’s balloon. Bet you thought I was gonna say Titanic!)

As Alvarez gets up Marvin asks if he’ll tell her he loves her. Alvarez says no. He tells Brown he’s coming with him. (Um duh, he was assigned.) Brown asks “Don’t you have a team building exercise to be working on?) Alvarez says it’s a trick question because nothing is more team building then stopping a wedding with a tactical unit and New York style hurt on the bride. Brown says, “You’re learning.” (Nothing like some mob violence to bond people. Isn’t that what you’d call a gang? Just what police fight over most of the country?)

Delahoy and Banks pull up at Howard Belzor’s old address which is now a park. Banks wants to write it off and leave it to patrol. Says the guy has too much brain damage. Delahoy says no, that at his pace the distance between the elementary school and house should put him there in an hour. Delahoy tells Banks to take the car, that Bridget is just getting off. “Please ask her out before you get hit by lightening or a piano falls on your head,” is his advice. As Banks drives away Delahoy says “I hope they make anti-bacterial condoms.” (We all know it’s the viruses that’ll get you, not the bacteria. Wait, maybe.)

Walsh and Schraeger are sitting and waiting outside a chapel. Walsh comments that in the time they’ve been sitting 365 kids have been born in China. Casey gets a text asking of she and Davis are still on for Nobu at 7. She asks wWalsh if they are gonna be waiting all night and asks if they both need to be there, that maybe she could an enjoy a nice Uzbeki dinner from across the street while watching. Walsh asks if she’s gonna go on a stakeout date. As she gets out he yells that he wants a cheeseburger. “Pickles! Pickles!” (Gotta give him props, I would be yelling the same thing.)

Cole and Beaumont are staking out another Chapel. Cole tells Beaumont that she can tell him anything and he won’t judge because he is a good Christian. She says she did a stupid thing for love. Cole comments that Walsh likes her. She laughs. She calls him a badass detective. (Badass needlepoint collector maybe. I really can’t believe this guy ever hijacked a car. don’t like it’s so much as great acting as great casting.)

Davis meets Casey at the Uzbeki restaurant. She is picky about her seat, saying she needs a better view, until she can see the Chapel. Davis questions why she didn’t want to meet at Nobu. “Why would I want a fancy dinner at Nobu’s with sushi and celebrities when I can have some authentic …Wagman from central outer Mongolia. He asks after her day and said it was busy, with a “promiscuous woman with a wedding fetish” who tried to take her out with a shotgun. He’s concerned so she changes the subject. “The goo-lag looks good.” He ask why she wanted to be a cop. She says it was the donuts and enquired why he wanted to work with money. He says that his father was a mail carrier, and he had 6 brothers, 3 who arw truck drivers. She catches sight of Rose stepping out of a car across the street. She kisses him on the cheek and says she has to go. He says he doens’t understand. She says she was trying to go out and work because she thought she could do both.

Delahoy is sitting alone in the park. He begins to read from Cat’s Cradle. His VO carries through the next scene.

SWAT gets ready to crash the wedding. The screen flashes between the wedding starting and the cops gearng up. As they burst in Rose grabs the priest hostage, and drags him through the back.

Beaumont somehow gets away and into the back while the other go around. As Rose is coming around the corner Beaumont knocks her out and gets the watch back. (There’s a whole head scratcher here as to how Beaumont hides and takes out Rose. It’s not like it was the Chapel she was casing. Guess this is a Suspension of disbelief moment.)

Back at the station Bridget is getting ready to go. She bumps into Banks. He hands her a note. It says “Hi, my name is Leo.” She says she is a Leo, too. (Um not what he meant…) Hands her a second note. “You are beautiful.” She says he’s making her blush. He hands her a third note asking if they can go out. She isn’t sure because he doesn’t talk, but then she goes off saying that she talks all the time she even laughs in her sleep, she likes his vest, they’ll get along famously. (Yah, she really is just like her character in Miss Congeniality. No wonder she can’t get other work. Wanted: Ditzy redhead who likes to talk and looks like of feeble.)

Casey shows up Davis’ apartment. Says she brought Rugalah. Davis questions why she came all this way, to bring him Jewish pastries? She says no, she came for sex. she tells him to get out of her way and marches inside. (The slight innocence and bumblingness of this character just makes me feel like I’m watching someone scratch a chalkboard. This is not a good mix!

Walsh and Beaumont arrive back at his place. She places the watch down. He comments, “what a day.” “You have no idea.” After a moment she says that she lied about the gun tip. that she was in the pawn shop and she was selling her jewelry because she can’t pay her rent. He says it was okay, he knew. He got the description of the woman in the shop and saw that she wasn’t wearing a watch. She apologizes for not having it “All together.” He questions if she’s apologizing for being human. He said if he wanted shallow and perfect he’d go back to the newscaster he was dating. Says he likes girls with secrets and lies. How can you trust someone if they have no secrets? Poof. Made up. “Take off your clothes and get in my bed.” (Sounds like a classic case of loving the crazy chicks if you ask me. People always say girls go for bad guys but guys go for crazy chicks. Standard fact.)

Delahoy is sitting on a picnic table in the park, still waiting. Howard shuffles up past Delahoy and sits on a swing. He ignores Delahoy as Delahoy tries to get his attention and introduce himself. He tells Howard that his wife is worried and the DR said he had died. He asks Howard what it was like to die, if it’s painful and slow, because he has a tumor, too. Howard moans “Push” and Delahoy, too wrapped up in his own shit doesn’t get the obvious. “You think I should push through?” Howard repeats the word and Delahoy realizes he means push the swing so he gives the weakest push that even a two eyar old would barely swing. He says that Belzor has family but he doesn’t have a family and he doesn’t want to end up alone in a hospital with no memory and no one to care about him. While he is talking Howard dies in the swing. (This scene is so damn depressing. I thought this show was gonna be happy and light and quirky. It’s gone all dark. You kind of want to smack Delahoy here and yell out in Blue’s Clues fashion “Your family is right there! It’s Banks!)