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Tuesday, January 17, 2006
4:30 pm
40 Comments
So over the past week, I have received so many emails and comments about this Ashley Parker Angel show, There And Back, that I decided to finally bite the bullet and check out what all the fuss was about. I watched two episodes, and I think it’s official: this is one of the very worst reality shows ever in the history of television.Let’s start with the pilot. The show begins with a flashy opening montage of a non-descript boy-band. “Remember this group?” Ashley asks. Uh no. Okay, it’s O-Town, and of course I remember them (“Cause I want it ALL! Or NOTHING at ALL!” — they rhymed “all” with “all“!) Anyway, Ashley then asks us, “Like my hair? Me neither!” Guess what, your hair now ain’t so hot either. Unless you dig the greasy, messy, moptop, idiot look.
Ashley then waxes nostalgic about the O-Town experience, saying, “I was an international popstar!” Okay, let’s not get carried away. If N*SYNC and Backstreet Boys were the Porterhouse, you were more like the ground chuck. Or Alpo, really.
We then find out that Ashley has lost all his boyband money and has been reduced to living in a tiny apartment with his wife and mother-in-law. For a moment, the series shows promise as we meet Mom, a.k.a. Scarlet, who looks like one of Catherine O’Hara’s characters from a Christopher Guest movie. Scarlet, it turns out, is a lush, and as she prepares cocktails for herself in the noontime sun, she asks, “Am I drinking by myself?” As always, Scar.
Alas, Scarlet is quickly relegated to the sidelines as we focus back on Ashley. Something good happens — I don’t remember what, honestly (and I just finished watching the damn show) — and so Ash, Scarlet, and wifey all head out to celebrate at an empty bar. Sounds like Scarlet’s kind of day!
Of course, stimulating conversation ensues as this convergence of the greatest intellects in Southern California, nay, the Western Atmosphere, holds a roundtable discussion about boy bands. “Why did you have such a hatred towards O-Town?” Ashley asks the wife. Um, let’s see. Because O-Town sucked? Royally. I mean, you had a song called Liquid Dreams!!
Anyway, after this fascinating scene ends, Ashley then heads to his studio (a.k.a. a shabby house in suburbia) to work on his album, soon to unseat Michael Jackson’s Thriller on the sales charts, no doubt. Unfortunately for Ash, the producers suck royally. They won’t pay him his advance and the technicians won’t listen to him. How do I know this? Because Ashley literally steps out of the shot to tell us. Yes, it’s the most gimmicky things since, well, ever. The entire image freezes, and then Ashley faces the camera and talks to us. And because the producers are so enamored with this technology, they do distracting things, like have Ashley walk towards us so we can see that his “live” body isn’t just covering up his “still” body. Hard to explain. Just trust me: it’s distracting and dumb. It’s kind of like when someone you know buys a camcorder for the first time and inserts dumb star wipes and checkerboard transitions into every shot.
Dumb.
After the studio, Ashley then meets with his lawyer/manager who is so professional that he dresses like a hobo (or porn shop owner. Either/or). The guy says that Ashley has one good hit on the album, and the rest is only “really good.” Translation: it sucks. Then it’s off to visit Jacob Underwood, who we’re told is a former member of O-Town.
“Damn!” Ashley says as the shot freezes yet again. He then goes and “sits” on the kitchen counter in the shot as he talks to us, just another way of saying, “Hey! Look at this cool gimmick!” Anyway, Ash continues, “Can you believe this is Jacob from O-Town?” Uh, you’re assuming I ever knew who Jacob was. But go on.
“Things really haven’t been easy for him either, but he managed to score a house,” Ashley says. He managed to “score” a house? You mean, he managed his money properly. For better or worse, Jacob has a nice place. Cribs-worthy, perhaps. Ashley and his wife tour around, oohing and ahhing at various room, and then finally, the three of them (and Jacob’s wife) take a seat in the home-studio and talk about old times. It’s pretty sad watching Ashley talk about the past. He acts like he’s so over it, saying things like “That was crazy!” but you can tell he’s begging to go back in time. It’s just liquid dreams, Ash. Liquid dreams.
Jacob then reveals that he’s trying to run a production company and license songs to a music company, quickly wowing over his guests. “I think that’s smart,” Ash says. He’s echoed by the wife, who adds, “I think that’s really smart.” Ashley then adds, “I wish we were smart. Oh well.”
Okay, he doesn’t say that last thing, but I’m sure he was thinking it. Anyway, Jacob tries to make his friend feel better about his financial woes by saying, “I’m in the same boat.” Yeah, the same, much larger, wealthier boat.
The next morning, Ashley wakes up to the sound of the single most idiotic cell phone ringer I’ve ever heard: a rooster clucking to some silly drum beat. And of course, Ashley Genius Angel can’t figure out how the hell to turn it off. It’s called an “Off” button. After he masters the fine art of shutting off an alarm, Ashley then brings wifey breakfast in bed, and then the two talk about baby names. Wifey wants a name that sounds good now and then hot later (idiot), and Ashley reveals that when he was younger, he wanted to rename himself “Matrix.” Oh, what wonderful genes this child will be inheriting.
We then go into the kitchen where we find a few broken eggs on the kitchen floor. We don’t really know how it happened — Ashley claims they just fell out of the refrigerator. After some lame bickering about the Great Egg Scandal of 2006, Ashley finally concludes, “I’m so tired of living in this tiny little apartment. We gotta get out of it.” Um, guess what? Eggs can break in a big house too.
Anyway, the couple then go online to look for houses (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to move after I’ve broken an egg), but wait! They can’t afford a house! Or can they? The two think about things they can sell and whatnot to afford new shindigs — but honestly, they’re on MTV. They’re receiving a fee for this show. We know they’re not totally insolvent. Well, maybe they don’t get the cash until after the show’s run. Whatever. I’m not going to put any more thought into their lack of logic.
Well, the two find a dream house, but the cash situation looks to be a problem. “You know as well as I do that we won’t find another house like this,” Ashley says. Actually, you probably will. Still wondering why you’re so broke? It’s called impulse buys.
Nevertheless, Ashley sends in a credit application for the house, and by some miracle (or MTV’s pressuring), he’s approved. Great! One problem though. Now they need to write a check for $8,000. Oops! Forgot about that whole money thing! Hey, maybe you shouldn’t buy a house when you can’t afford Rice Krispies.
Well, what do you do when you need $8,000 in a pinch? Not buy a house? NO!! You get a job! Ashley sees a listing on a restaurant bulletin board and meets with a guy who kind of offers him a job as essentially a roadie. At $10/hour. For ten hours a week. Hmmm… That’s not enough money! Poor Ashley is crestfallen. By the way, I know this sounds crazy, but when you apply for a job that you find on a bulletin board, chances are you won’t be getting an $8,000 cash advance that same day.
Ashley then goes to his record label, and hey hey! It’s another gimmicky freeze frame. Ashley turns to us, points to a guy on screen, and says, “That’s Barry Hankerson!” WOW!!! Turns out Barry is the head of the label. Ashley meets with him and his goons, and after explaining his whole sob story about not having any money or respect, Barry cuts him a check for $10,000! Why, that Barry Hankerson is the mostest generous man in all the music industry! And I’m sure pressure to look cool on MTV had nothing to do with it!
“Whatever you need, you come to us,” Barry says. Of course, my coke dealer/pimp radar is going off the charts, but Ashley’s an idiot and is all gosh gee wizz!! He returns hope to the drunken embrace of Scarlet, who totally has a little cat silhouette thing on top of her hallway door frame.
Scarlet totally buys figurines at Hallmark stores.
As for the wife, well, she’s elated also. Especially since it’s their anniversary. The two head out to the beach where Ashley pulls out his guitar, causing wifey to say “Baby!” for about the thirty-thousandth time this episode.
And now, a terrible song. Ashley sings some lame ditty about how his wife thought he was gay, and as blood seeps out of my ears, I start to think about how I’d like to freeze this moment of life, step out of it, turn to a camera, and remark, “I can’t believe I’m actually watching this.”
And yet, I’m compelled to watch more. I might just have to attack episode two as well. What did you think? How awful is this show?
TV Social
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40 Comments
I think I didn’t watch it, but your re-cap was so funny that I’m not going to. I will just read your re-caps.
“And now, a terrible song. Ashley sings some lame ditty about how his wife thought he was gay, and as blood seeps out of my ears, I start to think about how I’d like to freeze this moment of life, step out of it, turn to a camera, and remark, “I can’t believe I’m actually watching this.”
Oh dude, that is funny.
Does anyone think he looks chick with his hair all feathered out in that first pic with the bubbles in the background?
opps!! meant to say looks “like a” chick
the lovely ladies at gofugyourself.com called his hair a ‘rained on mullet’.
that conversation with him and his wife (that was as far as i got into the show) was so contrived. im sure that after all dating her, getting her pregnant, moving in with her mom, it finally just occurd to him to ask her what she thought of her band.
did o-town sing that song “faded”? becuase if they did i might like them better.
The Svan is less than impressed that you don’t know they aren’t married. It’s white-trash city.
Are we forgetting about the bottom feeder that was “Chaotic”? Please. Can anything possibly be worse than that? I won’t try to find out.
Reality TV has gotten completely out of control. As I watch the Idol tonight I see we can look forward to…Ice Skating with Todd M’er F’ing Bridges? But they don’t think Arrested Development is worth keeping? What the Hades is wrong with the honchos at FOX? Oh, that’s right, they suck ass.
Leah3t — “Faded” is by Soul Decision, a Canadian group. I have the mp3.
whoa…wait until you see episode 2 when this guy is introduced to the mind-blowing world of automatic doors and grocery stores
In the next show, you have to see him at the supermarket trying to find simple vegetables. He has trouble finding corn on the cob. Hysterical.
Don’t forget, O-No was created via a reality show too….
KH
This so is so bad that it is more hilarious than most scripted shows meant to be funny (even though conversations in this show are clearly forced). Ashley is the new Zack Morris with the whole freezing the frame scenes. And the guys with the dreads can very well be broke because he clearly is also an impulsive buyer, evidenced by THE MONKEY! PLEASE DO EPISODE 2! It was 10 times as bad as this one.
I agree Lizardqueen… but at least we have Idol- and TAR and Survivor start in February. As I was watching Idol tonight I let out an unconscious squeal – My husband laughed at me. I am just so glad it’s back! As far as Arrested Develpment goes- I think another network will pick it up. It’s just too good.
One correction – the knocked up chick? Not wife. Just girlfriend. In two painful episodes haven’t seen any mention of potential marriage yet…
Maybe I misunderstood, but didn’t boozy Scarlet ask the knocked-up daughter if she wanted a drink? Um, she’s pregnant, right?
The entire show seems incredibly scripted-poorly scripted at that. The daughter even referred to him as “Mr. Boy-band” to which Ashley tells Boozy, “Don’t encourage her, Mom” or something to that effect. The whole thing was incredibly painful to watch.
How creepy is porn shop owner? He and Anna Nicole’s lawyer, Howard K. Stern, would make a dynamic creepy entertainment law duo.
And Barry…he really just seemed like he was talking into the receiver while nothing was on the other end aside from a dial tone.
Sad.
Oh my God……I caught part of an episode yesterday and had no idea what show it was.I just kept thinking I’d seen this guy before but didn’t know where.His wife sent him grocery shopping and it was as if he had never been in a grogery store before.He had to keep calling home to ask if he was buying the right thing and even then he was driving the staff crazy asking where stuff was.After finally figuring out how to choose corn on the cob (yeesh) he couldn’t even get out of the store because he couldn’t get the automatic doors to open.NOW THAT WAS GOOD TV.If he’d said “that’s hot” a few times,I’d have thought I was watching a new version of “The simple life”.
Criscogirl — that is hilarious about Jacob being broke due to impulse buying a monkey. I thought it was worse—I thought it was another kinkajou, ala Paris Hilton. Maybe the monkey/kinkajou was a tribute to Michael Jackson’s pet Bubbles. Didn’t Jacob mention that he had some dumb hat that belonged to MJ inside of his coffee table?!? Admitted Michael Jackson worship should have these guys banished from the entertainment industry and our televisions.
i wanna go alll night ain’t no stoppin til the breakin of the dawn
i wanna go innnnside every corner
girl you really turn me on
i wanna go
knock knock
our bodies to the beat
something something something somethings something somthing
we fit toooogggeeettthhherrr
o-town rules!!
j/k but that song was me and my old roommate’s jam when i was in college and everytime i see this show advertised i can’t help but think of it.
I think I read somewhere that they named the baby Lyric. Yeah, that child won’t get beat up.
A few years ago, the city in Arkansas where I live decided to hold a festival and booked 2 bands, O-Town and Lionel Richie. The tickets were very cheap, $5 I think, so we got drunk and went down to watch Richie perform. Who knew that when they booked this crappy festival, it would have 2 future reality-tv people there? The only thing I remember of the show is that half of Richie’s band didn’t make it cause their plane was delayed, so he just stood on the stage and sang to recordings of his songs, karaoke-style.
Don’t know how this fits in with this crappy show, but oh well.
dj08901, I couldn’t agree with you more. Well said!
I’m a litle surprised no one mentioned the whole “morning wood” discussion involving Boozy seeing Ash “at attention” at the fridge. Awk-ward.
The whole time I watched both episodes I kept thinking this show is the next Newlyweds and Ashley and the Girlfriend are both Jessica.
Ellen DeGeneres has a reality show?
His kid’s name is Lyric Angel? That is beyond sad.
B-side- you best be sendin me that MP3 ASAP.
Haha I remember seeing the previews for this show a while back, laughing at how awful it looked. I can see I was right, but the recap was very enjoyable.
And where exactly do these people live that $8,000 is a sufficient enough down payment for a house?
My favorite part was when he discussed selling his car- his ’69 Camaro dream car- and his wife/live-in-hussy goes “you’ve got $30,000 in that car and it doesn’t even run.”
You can BUY a ’69 Camaro SS in good condition for $30,000. I’ve never wanted to see a reality show star’s car so bad; it’s gotta have like $30,000 in rims, DVD headrest players, speakers, maybe a on-board computer to record crappy lyrics…and no engine.
I also think his wife/live-in-hussy’s modelling shots have got to be the equivalent of RW Danny’s portfolio. What agency did she work for, “Modestly Hot Girls With Disfiguring Tattoos, Inc”?
Yeah, and the Zack Morris talk-to-camera move was hilarious. Just think how close they came to making that unbelievably cool: if instead of hiring some high school kid to Photoshop out Ashley, they’d done the actual Saved By the Bell and been all (off-camera) “OK, when I count to three, EVERYBODY FREEZE and DON’T MOVE while Ashley’s talking to the camera!” That might have made this the best show on TV.
Oh how the mighty have fallen! Well, not so very mighty and he didn’t fall too far since O-Town was hardly the international supergroup, but whatever.
Maybe he needs to borrow a little cash from temporary bandmate Ikaika, the guy who walked away from O-Town midway thru. Out of curiousity, I looked him up and he’s got quite the modeling career going!
Ashley, yet another link in the shaky reality programming chain. This series, too, will go away and few people will recall anything from it.
** I actually like his boyband hair better, the spiky-chock-full-of-product ‘do is less scary than his shaggy-moppy-kid-who-beat-me-up-in-2nd-grade hairstyle. Ewww.**
cansnuts, were you my roommate? Because we always used to play that song in my apartment my senior year while drinking!
PLEASE keep recapping this show! I LOVED the recap, esp. the Christopher Guest reference and the Alpo line.
Apparently, the girlfriend was a model before she got knocked up. What kind of model, I’m not sure.
I saw the second episode last night and couldn’t stop laughing because of your recap! Keep it up!
FYI: porn shop owner/Larry Rudolph also happened to be Britney spears’s ex-manager…if only Ashley knew this … im hoping he doesnt, we are only to know this can’t lead to anywhere good
oh, and i also very much enjoyed the rained on mullett comment. thanks Leah3t
i love how the show starts off and ashley expects everyone to already know who he is..listen, ash..just because you co-wrote/sang a song about a wet dream it doesn’t mean that you are suddenly a household name.. sorry, you have to come up with something a little more creative to attract america’s youth; be sure to, in your music, throw in a useless metaphor about how your company/porn manufacturer is holding you back: yeah, how about strings and puppets and attachements? oh, and don’t worry that n sync has already done the same thing..
the #1 cardinal rule of being in a boyband is that you’re allowed to plagerize. “all of the shit smells the same”…if you catch my drift.
you know, he could always mop up the eggs that mysteriously fell out of the fridge with that hair
“Scarlet, it turns out, is a lush, and as she prepares cocktails for herself in the noontime sun, she asks, “Am I drinking by myself?” As always, Scar.”
LMAO
I want to watch just for the pure entertainment of Mom/Scarlet/boozy. I only saw a little bit of the show where she was making margaritas & was disappointed no one would join her-the only other person there was her pregnant daughter!! So when Zach/Ash got back all proud of himself for complaing to his label about the people working with him or something Scarlet was like “let’s celebrate!” & they all headed to happy hour. I don’t know which is scarier-a lush mom offering her preggers daughter booze, or how proud everyone was for how he…actually was doing something resembling work?
I did like how Preggers ripped on the whole boy band thing-I think Ashley is this close to losing her after she has the baby to someone further up the chain, like Nick Lachey now that he’s available.
how come the room of gangster record label guys didn’t advise ash to drop the ashley parker angel name? i’d shoot for johnny mcassclown.
God help me I watched it this weekend – so much whine and cheese, it was cocktail hour….even with out the drunken “mom-in-law.” Maybe its just me but when I’m low on funds, I don’t buy a house, hire movers and shop in upscale grocery stores (makes me miss the Lachey boys, renting a Uhaul and moving their own stuff)
I agree the jumping out of the scene thing is pretty retarded…but I DO LOVE THIS SHOW
Ashley is stealing moves from Zack Morris, yo. That can’t be a good thing.