Thintervention: Finally! We’re Done!

Woohoo, ‘Gasmii!  It’s the end of the road for this iteration of the Jackie Warner franchise, Thintervention!  I just read an article today where it was revealed that Jackie felt that by having complete creative control over this show, she’d end up looking way more awesome than she did during Work Out (where she had no creative control).  I think we can all agree that this was a FAIL.

To some extent, I almost feel like I can knock out a pretty basic summary by writing paragraph headings with each participant’s name, then filling you in on A) how they did during the six weeks, B) how they look now, and C) their final weigh in.  In fact, I think that’s what I’ll do.  That’s all this show was, you can’t knock me for making my job easier on myself, right??!  That’s the hallmark of intelligence! (Reading back, I didn’t do it.  I guess I’m dumb after all.)

We start out at some swank hotel in LA.  Jackie’s dressed up in a sleek black sheath dress and looks pretty bangin’.  Her hair is in a soft, uncomplicated ponytail, and her face is also soft (for once).  Craig Fleshbeard’s got himself stuffed into a pair of dressy chinos and a buttondown.  Dr. Whateveramani looks nice, too.  (Did y’all watch Nads’ interview with her over on Newsgasm?  Go do it next!)   The families and friends of all our TV buddies are hugging hello and getting situated around cocktail tables set up as the audience.

“You better have lost 100 lbs.”

First up is Mandy. Jackie reminds us that Mandy was close to her weight loss goal at the end of the first seven weeks everyone spent together.  So Mandy’s goal was going to be to not only lose the remaining weight, but focus on really toning and sculpting her body.  We go to video, where Mandy tells us that family is important to her. WHAT?!  THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION.  Ugh, broken record, Mandy.  Not only is that old news, but so is her aversion to the ponytail holder.  I’m putting my own hair up into a ponytail RIGHT NOW in protest, and all I’m doing is writing a stupid recap.

Flash to the present, and Mandy’s looking good in her loose sweats.  She’s decided to become a personal trainer, which is kinda cool.  She’s shown training her husband, who’s supposedly lost 23 lbs while Mandy was on the program.  She’s helping him do lower ab work by throwing his legs, and she’s sitting on his back as he does pushups.  Sweet.  What’s gross, though, is that he’s still paying her for her good behavior.  This time, we’re not talking about orgasms, but a new car.  I really hope it’s just, “Hey, the lease on the Camry ran out, and you talked about liking this Solara convertible, so here you go!  I took care of it!  The payments are in your name, still!”  and not, “Here’s a car, just cuz!”  Also, hubby won’t be at the finale, which is a little suspicious.  I mean, sure, business beckons, but you can’t be there for your wife’s big deal?  No?

Mandy comes out in patent leather stripper heels, a loose black and silver sheath dress, and full-on Farrah Fawcett hair.  She looks great, don’t get me wrong!  They show unflattering slow-motion, grainy shots of her at her heaviest while the audience cheers.  It’s clear they have a big-time makeup and hair artist back there, too, because this is more than the mere mortal can do for herself.   Also, I’m pretty sure Jackie just played grab-ass on Mandy right there.

Then Jeana. Jackie’s intro to Jeana focuses on the emotional side of things.  Jeana’s story wasn’t about weight loss, it was about her depression and coping skills.  Jeana’s shown working out as she talks about how much better she’s doing deep inside.  And all I can think about is how she’s barely lifting any weights, nor is she using the correct form during her tricep dips.  (She’s moving her butt more than anything.)  She calls someone to gloat about buying skinny jeans (size 29) and shows how she has many an inch or two extra in her waistbands.  Hey, it’s an improvement.  And I’m just jealous because my formerly loose-fitting clothes are tight at the moment.  Wah.

Jeana’s son Colton has been dragging Mom to work out with him.  They do some speed drills at the gym, as Colton has recently been drafted by the Seattle Mariners.  I really hope they issue a fresh haircut when they give him his uniform.  Oh, this isn’t the Army?  Dang it, cuz he has some bad hair.  Later, at a nice dinner with Cara and Colton, she tells them she feels more confident.  If only her voice didn’t tilt up into a question at the end of that sentence, I’d believe it.

Jeana comes out in a nice satiny ruched dress in a muted dusky purple.  She’s obviously got some fresh highlights and had some more bangs cut in, and she looks less bloated.  But not a big difference from the previous iteration.  Allan, Jeana’s chef, is clapping, grinning, and sweating with pride.

Shay’s up next. Her mom Kim, a “former client,” remember, is there, hooting and hollering for her girl.  Is that Shay’s sister, sittin’ with Mom?  She’s really pretty!  Shay’s big issue was her diva attitude during workouts.  Oh, and her bulimia, which she just revealed to Jackie and Dr. Whatever a few weeks ago.  Turns out, Shay’s been starving herself, then binging, then taking laxatives to poop the bad things out.  Too bad that doesn’t actually work for weight loss!   First, you already took in those calories by the time the poop’s ready, and B) it fucks with your metabolism.  Still, Jackie and Dr. W are thrilled that Shay finally ‘fessed up.  NOW they can truly help the poor girl.

So Shay’s gonna step it up, honestly this time.  She wants to succeed, despite the backtracking she’d done with those laxatives.  We see her working out a bunch.  She’s also been dancing a lot, since that’s something she loves to do, and it gives her a good workout.  She really can move, so this is great.  Do it up, girl.

Time to come out, Shay.  And she looks great!  She’s in a curvy blue dress with some kind of tiger stripe detail coming in on the sides.  Add a cute little bolero jacket and soft wavy hair, and she’s pretty fine.  From the look on her face, she knows it!

Joe.  Oh, Joe. You’re next.  Joe’s parents are sitting together at a small table.  Well, not really together, but next to each other.  They’re divorced, right?  So this is both parents?  Anyway, when Jackie introduces Joe as being intense, Mom nods knowingly and Dad makes a “yup” face.  HA!  Anyway, Jackie thinks he’s changed.  We’ll see!

More sex faces and LA shirts from Joe in the flashback to six weeks ago.  Ugh. I gasp as he does skullcrushers with, what, 100 lbs of weight??  I can barely do 20 lbs for more than 20 reps.  Then again, I’m a lady.  So that’s fine.  Anyway, Joe speaks to his issues with saying shitty things to people.  He claims to be more sensitive to what people feel when he says mean stuff.  He also claims to be able to balance eating cheeseburgers AND living a healthy lifestyle. I used to be able to say that, about 10 lbs ago.  Good luck, Joe!  (Also, am I doing something wrong that I’m not making sex faces at the gym?)

Joe’s feeling great, so he asks a chick out on a date.  And she says yes!  He puts on a woman’s belt and decides that while a sport coat is appropriate, a close shave is not.  His lady is almost taller than he is, and she’s a lovely black woman.  Go Joe!  Anyway, he now knows that, since he’s not ugly and dumpy anymore, he should focus on an emotional connection.  What I want to know is if he’s still obsessed with getting laid.  I mean, I know men like sex.  Duh.  But does he want to “make love” to someone anytime soon, rather than grinding out a cumshot on whoever was around?

Let’s bring Joe out.  He actually looks…hot.  His torso is long and lean, his face is also leaned out.  He still has serial-killer eyes, but his smile seems a lot more genuine than it’s ever been.  If we hadn’t already seen him being a big ol’ dick all this time, I’d probably think he was even more handsome.

“I said to shut the fuck up.”

Nikki’s up next.  Jackie speaks about how much of a challenge Nikki was for her, with all her distractions and sabotaging of her own success.  The drinking, the late nights, the smoking, the aversion to the gym.  None of this was going to help Nikki.

Nikki tells us that she knew of only two ways to do Jackie’s program: Do it perfectly (like Bryan, Mandy, and Joe) or do it HER way, introducing Jackie’s concepts into her own life.  She went with the latter. Soon, she was calling her friends not for cocktails but for hiking dates.  See, Nikki really enjoys hiking.  Who knew?  (One of her hiking partners is Bryan.  I’m checking him out, since the caption says it’s two weeks ago.  Having seen the end of the show, I can’t believe Bryan lost so much weight in the last two weeks!!  I hope it was done in a healthy way!)

Back to Nikki. She comes out in a characteristically Nikki outfit:  fishnet tights with ankle boots (sorry, I can’t help but note the smudge of cankle there) and a tight black dress.  She looks AWESOME, though. They contrast this look with a shot from the first week, when she’s wobbling down a street in WeHo, wearing a too-short purple dress and looking huge.  WOW.  Nikki!

Hey, it’s an improvement.

Stacy time.  Remember that she has PCOS, people.  And, oh yeah, she likes to cry.  Let’s watch her six-week montage. She’s at the gym a lot—has apparently made friends there.  She makes sex faces like Joe does.  Okay, I’m doing it wrong.  Oh, but she’s only pushing maybe 200 lbs on the leg press, which is nothin’.  The guy next to her has easily 700 lbs on his.  C’mon, Stacy.  Oh, and she meets Mandy for tea, yammering about making lifelong friends.  I’m friends with some of these guys on Facebook and follow others on Twitter—I think Stacy mismanaged her expectations of “lifelong friendship.”

Anyway, get out here, Stacy.  Oh, she looks good!  She’s still definitely pretty curvy, but she’s also definitely lost a lot of weight.  Her face is thinner, and the Hollywood makeover she got as a part of today’s show really sleeked her out.  She’s wearing a trim black dress with a wide belt at her natural waist, which is very flattering.   Fleshbeard hugs her and cries.

Finally, Bryan.  Remember him and his sugar addiction?  In those six weeks, he’s been eating SO carefully and working out SO much.  He’s also been back to work, apparently on films or something.  And there’s all that catered food on the craft services table.  That’s a big fucking trap.  But Bryan takes some of the veggies no one else is eating and crunches away.  He also talks about how he’s finally come to terms with the balance needed to have a bite of chocolate cake every once in a while.  Phew.  He figured it out.

I bet he’s got cookies in his pocket.

Bryan’s big motivator is his relationship with his partner Miguel.  He’s lost enough weight to fit into Miguel’s shirts, which is awesome, and they’re experiencing a renaissance in their relationship. Bryan’s not so disgusted with himself, feels like a worthy partner, yadda yadda.  (Wow, it’s really rude to summarize something so profound with a Seinfeld-ism, but … get over it.)

Bryan comes out, and… HOLY SHIT.  He is a totally different person.  Seriously, does he have a twin brother that he swapped out with?!  He’s a little too tan for my taste, but WOW he’s lost a shit-ton of weight.  His smile is great.  The dimples are great. Go Bryan!

Jackie checks in with Miguel about how Bryan’s weight loss has changed HIS life, and I want to cry as Miguel speaks.  He tells us about meeting Bryan seven years ago, how Bryan radiated light and life energy, and… how that light had gone out a while back, as Bryan suffered within himself.  Seriously, wiping away tears.  Depression is nasty, especially when it cycles itself with your weight, which it never fucking fails to do.

Jackie can’t take it that Bryan is getting all this attention (which he deserves), so she starts up with tears and a speech about how Bryan taught her about people being strong and whatever.  Whatever!

Then there’s psychobabbbly talk between Dr. Whatever and all the participants, which I’m not really going to recap.  It’s all the saaaaaame shit we’ve heard this whole time.  “I feel better!  I love myself more, so I can love my family more!  I respect myself!  I’m more confident!”

And Mandy’s creepy kids come out. (Okay, fine, it’s sweet.)

In the “We’re Back!  No, We’re Not!” segment this week, the gang presents Jackie with a gift box full of panties.  See, it seems that Jackie likes to wear her workout clothes sans undies.  So, while you’re doing crunches and she’s standing over you?  Yeah, you see snatch.  (For some reason, I suspect she has some hoagie-smelling BO, too.  Don’t ask me why I think that.)  Bryan gives the speech, talking about Jackie “free-muffining it,” and Jackie’s a good sport.

Knickers!

Okay, time to weigh in.  Oh wait, we have to watch a video of the gang working out one last time before weigh in.  They all look great.  They look strong and confident.  It’s kinda cool!  Good for them.

Mandy:  Lost a grand total of 34 lbs!  Woot!

Jeana:  Lost a total of 21 lbs. (Her goal weight was 149 lbs, and I correctly guessed before she awkwardly stepped backwards onto the scale that she’d be above 150.)

Joe: Lost a grand total of 42 lbs.  Wow!   (He feels ready to find his soul mate, he says.  Wow, again.)

Shay:  Lost 34 lbs!  Great job!  (She also lost TWENTY-FOUR PERCENT of her bodyfat.  Holy shit.)

Stacy:  Lost 40 lbs!  Excellent work, considering the PCOS!  (Again, I guessed that she was in the 180s, not the 170s she wanted.  I am awesome.)

Nikki:  Lost 41 lbs!  Great work, considering all that booze!!  Nikki thanks Jackie for her help: “You’ve been a good boy.”  HA!

Bryan:  Lost SIXTY EIGHT POUNDS.  (I guessed he was under 200, and I was right!  I’m still so awesome! I should work at a carnival!)  (I can’t help but cringe, though—that’s a LOT of weight to lose in 13 weeks!! Five pounds a week!  Too much.)

More speeches from Bryan to Miguel, sweet, yeah, moving on.  And more speeches from Jackie about how awesome she is, they have her tools, they can do this on their own, yadda yadda.

Now let’s see if these guys can maintain it.  Anyone who’s lost a ton of weight knows, as I do, that maintenance is the hard part.  Anyone can lose weight—it takes dedication to keep it off. Jackie gives us a little update on everyone at the end, but it’s nothing awesome.  Bryan doesn’t eat cookies, Mandy’s almost a personal trainer, and Shay’s lost 14 more pounds.  Joe moved to Denver and seems to be doing well.  That, or he’s evading arrest in LA.  Nikki met her weight loss goal and is aiming for ten more pounds, limiting herself to one cocktail at brunch and doing lots of hiking.  Finally, Jeana is all smiles, having met her own weight loss goal. And Colton needs a haircut.  Stacy cries, go figure, and has met her 50-lb goal.

So that’s that, folks!  I stuck it out for the whole season.  Comments to soothe my battered ego are welcome.  Also, what’d you think of the show?  Think they’ll bring it around for another season?