Thintervention: It’s Strenuous

Thintervention

By SexyPanda | Monday, September 13, 2010 | 10:00 am | 61 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Recaps, Thintervention

t107

Proof that even thin people have muffintop if they’re not careful.

What do you get when you cross the crypt keeper with a lesbian lion and add in a dash of Jillian Michaels? No, not Larry King. Our girl Jackie! Jackie Warner! The host and star of the latest Bravo shit-show, Thintervention!

Welcome, Gasmii, welcome. This season on Thintervention, we’ll follow Jackie as she trains the shit out of eight random people. It’s not like Work Out, though. We’re not at the Sky Lab or whatever the hell it was. We’re in REAL LIFE. There are no prizes and no eliminations (besides poop). The eight participants aren’t even all that gigantic, so it’s no Biggest Loser wannabe. We’ll even have group therapy to cover the emotional side of things–oh joy. So really, it’s just eight people who want to lose weight and be on TV, and Jackie, who wants to sell books and be on TV. They’ll live their own lives, at home, but train with Jackie, and at the end, they’ll hopefully have lost some weight. That’s it.

Seriously, that’s it. So pop some No-Doz and follow me!

We start off at a gym, and I don’t think it’s Sky Sport. I just read the super-fine print over on Jackie’s website, and I think it’s another gym she runs in Beverly Hills. Whatever, you don’t care. (I just liked the view at Sky Sport.) It’s Basic Training day, the day Jackie gets everyone off their asses for the first time to see just how awful and out of shape they are. She and one of her trainers survey the jiggle that’s happening right now on the Spin bikes and treadmills.

Now, we haven’t seen Jackie since, what, 2008? It was in the middle of her third season of Work Out. We’d already survived two seasons of Jackie being bitten by her mad dog girlfriend, and then Jackie was with that ringlet-curled blondie. That slut Rebecca and her Beavis jaw were also hooking up with El Jackie, and didn’t some dude get in on it too? Ick. I actually really liked Work Out during its first run, but then it lost its appeal. THEN, Jackie got fired for making shitty comments about Peeler’s client’s boob job. As if it weren’t bad enough that she was shit-talking a client’s breasts, the client’s boyfriend overheard it. Oh, AND the client is a breast cancer survivor. Shit hits the fan, and it’s “see ya” Jackie. So, now she’s back and she’d probably like you to forget that ever happened. She even put on some long hair for ya. But don’t worry, the leonine eyes are still there, watching your every move, and the super-cut abs and Ken doll hip flexor cuts are still on display.

We start to meet our lucky clients, those whose lives will be thoroughly interrupted and ravaged for the next few months. First up is Stacy, who’s 23 years old. She weighs 224 lbs and is 50.0% fat. FIFTY! She’s HALF FAT! She’s also wearing a terrible wig in her interview, where she tells us that she just moved to LA from Seattle. From the shots we’re shown of her making self-deprecating fat jokes at a comedy club in the middle of the day, I assume she moved her to further her comedy career. Tell better jokes, at night, and you might make that happen!

t105
Be honest. Do I smell?

Stacy blames some of her weight gain on being Jewish–that you can’t separate a Jew from her food. She also likes to eat a lot and lie around! (Hey, she said it, not me. And they show her eating chips, making brownies, all the fat food stereotypes.) The doctor tells her that her PCOS (polysystic ovary syndrome) is going to work against her, since it makes a lot of women gain weight. He shakes her hand as he says, “Let’s make a pact that we won’t use this as an excuse.” How much do you want to bet that the woman with probably the most uphill battle before her AND the greatest medical excuse will be the one to kick ass? I hope my prediction is right, for her sake.

Jackie’s telling the gang, during their “basic training” group workout, that she’s a big proponent of super circuit training—keeping your heart rate high throughout the workout to burn maximum calories. So far, I’m not balking at anything Jackie’s saying. As a trainer, she’s pretty solid. I mean, look how lean she is, how cut her arms are. Sure, they’re a little masculine, but you have to admit that her definition is pretty awesome. We’ll get to the “she looks like a dude” bashing later!

Next up is our BFF, Jeana from Real Housewives of Orange County, Original Recipe. I always liked her the best, not only because she was the only one with a “real” physique, but she seems to be pretty funny and fun to be around. I think I’d have a fun night with her and Gretchen, especially if Jeana and I went to the kitchen to get more drinks and took that time to roll our eyes about how crazy Gretchen was acting.

t109

So, back to Jeana. She’s 54, with 27.4% body fat, and she weighs 174 lbs. (I really wish they gave us people’s height.) She actually doesn’t look too bad—and we know this because they show her in her bra and panties, rutching into a sequined dress. Her legs and arms are still pretty slender and mostly toned, and you can actually see some definition in her abs. She’s just waaaay bloated in the belly and the face. Hello, alcohol.

We see shots of Jeana’s Playboy photos, and she admits that it’s hard to live up to the pedestal she was once on. Her son Colton is agog at the idea that she had two or three breakfasts that day, as she’s making a cake. (Any Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job fans out there, laughing with me about Mr. Henderson and Carol, the “two or three breakfasts” bit? No? Sigh.) Jeana says her family has been “meanly vocal” about her weight, and she’s just not happy with herself or her life. Pout.

Didn’t Jeana have a trainer working with her on RHOOC? She was doing okay for a while, but then she got lazy, right? And I think her problem is going to be food and booze. Just like your SexyPanda, here. I do love my food and booze.

Next we meet Nikki, the most annoying woman on the planet. She’s a West Hollywood native, by way of Australia, and she looks way older than the 39 years old she claims to be. She’s 34.3% bodyfat and weighs 223 lbs. I guess she’s short, because she looks as big or bigger than Stacy, our chubby PCOS Jew, who weighs almost the same but has more bodyfat.

t101

She’s another lover of booze, but in a way that we’ll later see is actually an addiction. Seriously, the first thing we learn about her after her introduction is that she loves cocktails. She’s at a restaurant with two presumably gay guys (I mean, if you didn’t peg her as the fag hag from the first second you saw her, there’s something wrong with you), calling the server “darling” as she explains that her cocktail should be mostly booze and very little ice or soda.

t111

Nikki claims work is “not conducive” to her lifestyle, so she doesn’t do it. She smokes exotic brown cigarettes and wobbles through WeHo in too-short purple dresses with awful fishnets. Earlier, Jackie was giving the group a pep talk, saying, “You have to really want this”, and I don’t think Nikki really does. I think she wants to be less fat without doing any of the work that’ll make that so, and I also think she’s going to be a colossal pain in the ass along the way. You’ll see.

Some quick cuts of the gang working out, and I’m hating that the one woman’s got her hair down. Put that shit in a ponytail! I never understand when women do super-sweaty workouts with their hair down. My hair makes me hot, and having hair sticking to my face is super unpleasant. Ick.

Time to meet Brian. Isn’t Nikki so helpful, when she introduces him as “that unfortunate overweight little queer”? So sweet. Jackie’s asking Brian why he wants to lose weight, and he answers, mid-crunch, that he’s tired of being fat and wearing sloppy clothes. Nikki thinks it must be hard to be a “chubby queer” and she’d certainly never hang out with one. Well, maybe he wouldn’t hang out with you either, you hag!

t112

Let’s meet Brian for reals, shall we? He’s 36, weighs 266 lbs and is 35.1% fat. He’s a little Irish looking, a little bleary-eyed and lacking color, with a sparse beard helping define his jaw. BUT, he’s cute. I like Brian. We see photos of Brian and Miguel, his partner, whom he’s been with for seven years. Brian and Miguel are HOT, or at least Miguel is and Brian WAS.

Brian hides sweets throughout the house, like in the icemaker and inside the crockpot that’s in a back cupboard. Miguel’s looking out for his honey and doesn’t want all the sugar in the house. When speaking with the doctor, Brian learns that sugar affects the brain much like heroin or cocaine does, stimulating pleasure centers and creating a kind of addiction.

Next, we meet Joe. He’s 35, weighs 230 lbs and is 32.2% bodyfat. Joe is a swarthy motherfucker, and he loves his cheeseburgers. Joe isn’t too bad looking, but he’s wearing a stupid gold chain and, ya know, has a big fat cheeseburger belly. He brags about being able to talk to the hottest girls wherever he’s at, but when it’s time to close the deal, they don’t want that belly looming over them. (Can’t blame them.) Patti Stanger would have a field day with Joe.

t104

Jackie has the group doing as many crunches they can do in one minute, then she has them doing pushups. Stupid Nikki just complains, and Jackie’s like, “You can’t even do five pushups.” Her boytoy assistant trainer whines, “She didn’t even TRY,” and Nikki snaps something about him being a “dibber dobber.” I guess that’s Australian slang for “very hot guy who calls it likes he sees it, especially since it’s his job and you’re supposed to want to help yourself be thin.”

Now we meet Shannon (Shay) and Kim, a mother-daughter team. Jackie calls Shay out for being in the worst shape than anybody here. Kim is 47, weighs 180 and has 29.8% bodyfat. Her daughter is 22, weighs 204 lbs and is 50% fat (just like PCOS Stacy). Kim was an athlete all through high school and college, and then she was a fitness model. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

t103
t108

Shay opens up a bag of Doritos, WHILE BAKING COOKIES, and, well, I start to drool. Doritos are my weakness. I’ve loved them since I was just a kid, sitting on the couch with my mom, watching C.H.I.P.S. and crushin’ on Poncho. Ah, memories. Anyway, obviously, Shay’s got some bad habits. She’s gorgeous, but by golly, she’s fat. (The doctor calls her out for having the cholesterol of a 50-yr-old!)

I start to make “whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Willis” faces as Jackie gives her next pep talk. See, she says that workouts don’t cause pain—that pain is actually PLEASURE. Oh, that’s why she stayed with the chick who bit her. Seriously, though, I think it’s dangerous to tell a really out of shape fat person that workouts SHOULD hurt.

Mandy’s a 48-yr-old mom, weighs 167 lbs and is 27% bodyfat. We see old photos of Mandy and her hubby, who’ve been married for 13 years. They are HOT. She giggles about how spoiled she is, taking baths every morning with her husband and whatnot. Which we see. Ick. Her problem area really is her belly. It’s like there’s a basketball in there.

t106

Her kids are cute, though! Cute as they sell her out, that is! Little Tristen tells us how Mom always finishes the food on their plates, that she’s a scavenger. His brother Keanu stands there, saying nothing. Keanu and Tristen? Really?

Finally, the first workout is over. Now everyone’s sitting around, sweaty and hating Jackie. She gives them a homework assignment. Go home and clear out all food from your house that has more than 5 grams of sugar in it. She thinks they’re all sugar addicts, so this must be done. They’ll be cranky for a few days as they go through withdrawal, but in the end, it’s worth it. They won’t crave sugar anymore, and then it’ll be easier to stick to a healthy eating plan. As someone who’s made radical changes to her diet in this vein before, I agree. As someone who’s currently drinking tequila and eating a Tootsie Roll, I am grumpy at the idea of you taking my Tootsie Roll away.

Brian’s all smiles to Jackie’s face at the thought of giving up sugar, but in his interview, he’s all, “Fuck you. How’s that?” HA! I like Brian. I just took a cruise through my fridge and cabinets. What would I have tossed if this had been me? Let’s see… well, the Tootsie Rolls, clearly. And my beloved fat-free yogurts!!! WHAT??! Seriously, I’m stunned. I love that yogurt. Those Yoplait Light yogurts that are all custardy and taste like pie but are only 100 calories? They have 14 grams of sugar! I’m relieved that my salad dressing and ketchup are okay, but wow. Low blow with the yogurt, man.

(For the record, skim milk has 12 grams of sugar per serving. And skim milk is good for you. But that’s lactose, a different kind of sugar. Which, hey, wait, so is my yogurt!! YAY!!! I love redemption arcs.)
Jackie tells Nikki not to drink tonight, and Nikki vociferously disagrees. Well, a drink is easily 150 or 200 calories, is it worth it? To Nikki, it sure fucking is.

Then Jackie hands out Blackberries. Each person is supposed to send food logs every day, and they’re also expected to be on standby for Jackie’s every whim. And with that, they’re dismissed.
Not so fast. Nikki really has a problem with the anti-cocktail stance this show is taking. She tries to drag Jackie aside, and I’m glad to see that Jackie doesn’t allow herself to be pulled asunder. Eventually, though, she gives Nikki some time to talk.

See, Nikki can’t be expected to live a cocktail-free lifestyle. What if guests come over? She sneers about offering water, like it’s offering someone a glass of poison, or, worse, LAME JUICE. No Nerd Juice for these people, they need booze. (I’d need booze if I were Nikki’s friend.)

To her credit, Jackie tells Nikki that her refusal to stop drinking “screams of a problem with alcohol.” And Nikki doesn’t seem to dispute it. In fact, she tells Jackie her normal thing is to have two or three vodkas on a Sunday night. Wow. Now, I like a cocktail, and Sunday night’s as good as any. But two or three would put me to sleep before Mad Men even got started. Nikki, Nikki, Nikki…

(Also, holy shit, we’re only 12 minutes into this show. This is going to take forever!!!)

In the end, Jackie relents and tells Nikki that her choices are hers, but the consequences are hers, too. That cocktail will have its effect on Nikki’s progress. Nikki’s cool with it, though. She’ll just have the one, very large, vodka drink and be done with it. Like, pint-glass sized vodka drink. Aye yaye yaye. I kinda appreciate her balls about it, though. I have a big work function this week where I’ll need a cocktail or five. I wish I were so confident as to ask for a pint-sized glass of it. I mean, that’ll stop me from having to wait in line at the bar stand every time, right?

So, now everyone’s back at home. Mother and daughter (Kim and Shay) are dutifully going through their pantry to remove anything that’s too high in sugar. Kim mourns the loss of her Aunt Jemima pancake mix. Don’t worry, you can make pancakes with Splenda! I’ve done it! It’s easy!

While they’re following the rules, Nikki invites her gay boys over for cocktails and rasps about how awful everyone is. She rags on the straight guy because he wants to get skinny to bang better chicks. Why is that so awful? I want to lose weight so I can bang hotter guys! She obviously just hates herself and will pick on anything she can to make herself feel better.

Before bedtime, Jackie texts everyone on their Blackberries to demand a 2-mile walk/run/whatever in the morning. Nikki groans, and Kim/Shay are ready for it.

The next morning, Jeana heads down to the kitchen. Allan, her “personal chef” is there. Now, I read some other sites on the internet sometimes, and I learned that it’s possible Allan is not just putting meat in the oven in the KITCHEN, ifyaknowwhatI’msayin’. Apparently, Allan and Jeana used to date on RHOOC, so it’s entirely conceivable that he’s, like, living with Jeana but she’s calling him her chef for the sake of television. Whatever. Then again, she talks shit about him to her friend as they head out on a walk, so maybe not.

Joe, the straight guy, is stiff as he gets out of bed, and I don’t think I mean his weiner. I don’t know how I’d know if his weiner was stiff since this is regular cable and not Skinemax. Anyway, he takes his dog for a walk as though he’s hungover, but he’s really just sore from the workout the day before.
Jackie’s waiting for Jeana at her front door when Jeana and friend arrive home from their walk. She doesn’t look too bad in jeans, t-shirt, and pleather jacket, sleeves pushed up just-so. They head inside to talk. Jeana’s worried that her boyfriend (ahem, chef) prepared something diet-destroying for breakfast. Looks like it’s fine! Jackie’s got her book with her, though. And THAT is why we’re doing this whole show, to sell books.

t115

There weren’t any funny photos to grab. I’m really sorry.

Jackie wants to check Jeana’s homework. Did she get rid of the sugar? She did not. So we’ll go through her fridge with her. Ah, the lesson on yogurt! Jackie doesn’t bother to explain lactose, so, okay, apparently yogurt is bad for you. (Then what about the milk, bitch?)

Instead of whatever’s in the fridge, Jeana should be eating cottage cheese and two eggs. Apparently the casein in the cottage cheese is a fat-burner, and the lecithin in the yolks of the eggs is also a fat-burner. I’m wrinkling my nose at this stuff, thinking it smells a little like bullshit. Yes, I’ve heard of casein and lecithin before, which is how I’m able to spell them without Googling, but I don’t think eating cottage cheese and two eggs is the panacea Jeana’s looking for. But it’s not UNhealthy, and this recap is already too long, so go Google casein and lecithin for yourself if you want to learn more. (Sorry.)

Jackie explains more about portions and calories, too. Jeana’s going to be on a 1500 calorie diet, which really isn’t bad at all. She should ideally eat a lean protein and a veggie at every meal, which is pretty much the diet I follow. (Oatmeal and egg whites in the AM for me, though. Who eats veggies for breakfast? Okay, okay, spinach in your omelet. Enough. I said, that’s e-fucking-nough!)

Ah, more bullshit sniffing when Jackie tells Jeana to add lemon juice to her water, since that’ll help her burn up to 75 to 100 calories more per day. Don’t think so, sweetie. The lemon will act as a diuretic, which will help block bloat, but it’s not a thermogenic or anything like that. Oh, but it’ll supposedly “detoxify” Jeana’s liver. I make BS face at that, too. It’s all bullshit! It’s “facts” like these that lead posters on Weight Watchers message boards to get into fights.

Jackie visits Mandy next, the mom to Keanu and Tristen. Instead of ridding her house of sugar, she decided to take all the sugar in the house and bake with it! She made Rice Krispie treats and brownies and all kinds of other stuff. Jackie is like, “Um, wow.” Mandy obviously missed the point here, which wasn’t to give sugar away to everyone she cares about in the form of baked goods—it was to get rid of it altogether, throw it away, and NOT give people you love sugar bombs. Mandy’s already teary-eyed.
Jackie tells Mandy that sugar isn’t love. Giving your kids berries and apples is love. Then Jackie asks if Mandy did her two-mile assignment. Of course she didn’t. She took her mother for a walk in a wheelchair, but it was not a “Get Mandy Sweaty and Skinny” walk. So they head out back for a brief, but intense workout. They do pick-ups (sprinting up and down the basketball court, squatting at each end), pushups, mountain-climbers, jumping jacks, high-knees, side planks, lunges, and so on. DONE. That was ten minutes of pure effort. (And THAT is why you hire a trainer. I would never do things that intensely on my own, but when I’m working with a trainer, I’m hurtin’ for days!)

Now Brian gets the Jackie treatment. He’d already cleaned out his cupboards, supposedly, but he still caved and ate two cookies. And he texted Jackie to come clean about it! You nimrod!! Actually, it’s cool that he’s being honest, because being secretive about his cookies is what made him fat. Jackie asks Brian what he got from the cookies, and he isn’t sure, really. He says it was a last hurrah. Jackie encourages him to kick the sugar whore out the door.

So, those two cookies Brian ate? They were 140 calories. Just two little Oreos is 140 calories. That’s not a lot of food for those calories. But Jackie’s gonna have him burn it off. She straps on a heart rate monitor thingie that’ll measure calorie burn, and she makes Brian run up and down his stairs. HOLDING THE COOKIES. He laughs, but he does it, and soon he’s out of breath. When he thinks he’s surely burned 140 calories, he checks the watch. Um, only 43 calories. Keep going, bub.

Just when Brian can’t take it anymore, he’s totally spent, he checks the watch again. 150 calories. Wow, that was a lot of work for two stupid cookies, which are now mashed up like poo in his palm. Lesson learned, right? “Cookies are pain.” Brian jokes that he’ll never eat cookies again—or when he does, he won’t tell her. He’ll just learn to lie. Awww. That won’t work, dude!

Each week, we’ll do a big group workout at an exotic (or at least “fun” location). This week, it’s Laguna Beach. Jackie’s got the aviators on, which is fine, and some big red basketball shorts, which aren’t fine. They look TERRIBLE. Do better at dressing yourself, Jackie. Oh, and Brian’s bitching about getting sand in his fat rolls. Just like the big black gay guy on Money Hungry!

First up, the group will need to blow up beach balls that they’ll use as Swiss balls for the rest of the workout. They’ll do 50 crunches on the ball. Jackie tells them to visualize the muscle they’re working as they work, since that’ll help tone the muscle more. WTF is that bullshit? I don’t believe it, she’s totally full of shit. Oh, and her assistant asks the group, “Do you want abs like this? <points to Jackie’s belly> You have to work.” I know a lot of you said, “ew, I don’t want to look like that.” Well, I do. I lost a lot of weight and I have extra skin hangin’ around. I’d pay a lot of money to have a flat stomach like that.
Guess who can’t blow up her beach ball very well? The boozy smoker, Nikki? You’re right! And everyone else is already doing their crunches when Jackie announces that she starts counting crunches once Nikki’s done blowing up her ball. So, they’re all pissed that she’s bitching and moaning and not getting it done.

Brian’s been doing crunches for forever, so he’s pissed. Everyone else is in pain, which makes Jackie happy, because she’s sick. Shay tells us that her thong has gotten itself stuck in her “vegaginals” (eyeroll) which is like a frontal wedgie. A “veggie”, she calls it. Ew. Anyway, this is why **this** girl never wears a thong to the gym. It’s granny panties or nothing, children.

Now they’re all going to flip tires down the beach. Not so hard, I’d think? Mandy’s all, “my husband doesn’t even let me carry in groceries!” Shut up and flip your tire, sweetie. Jackie calls out Kim for being the strongest, but really, Nikki is kicking ass. I guess when you’re hauling around a 50 lb spare tire every single day, flipping one on the beach isn’t so hard.

t110

Oh, but wait. Nikki’s pooped already. No stamina. Stacy’s all over it, because she really wants a smaller ass. Nikki’s larger ass is now resting inside her tire, as her friends flip their tires past her. Jackie pulls her up and gets the group doing mountain climbers. I hate mountain climbers.

Brian thinks he’s going to vom. He jokes, and it’s not that funny, that he calls Jackie “Herr Warner,” because she’s a Nazi. Har har. Nazi jokes are so 1991.

More working out, more bitching. You can tell who’s into it and who’s not. (Stacy’s into it!) Jackie tells Brian to repeat a “man-tra” (she pronounces it like MAN-tra, not how I normally hear it, “MON-tra), “no more cookies!”.

Then Joe has his own unfunny joke, where he snarks on the two young girls who are 50% bodyfat. “Don’t they have anyone in their lives to say ‘Step away from the cupcake and no one gets hurt?’” Okay, CATHY GUISEWITE.

Cathy-Guisewite-Retires-CATHY-Comic-Strip-Effective-October-3-2010

Oh, now it’s time for the symbolic weight carrying. The group has to each pull in a buoy with their name on it, dragging it hand over hand from the sea to the shore. Oh, there are kettlebells tied to the rope! Oh, it’s the amount of weight each person wants to lose! No shit!

They’re finally done this beach workout. Tomorrow’s the weigh in, so see you suckers at the gym!
Not so fast! Joe, Brian, and Nikki are invited to go with Jeana back to her crib. Jeana acknowledges that her house is a little opulent for the commonfolk, and she seems sensitive to it. Brian, too, seems sensitive to it, in a bitchy, snarky way. Yes, you’re jealous.

They all sit back on the back patio for some cocktails and dinner. Chef/Boyfriend Allan has prepared some steak, rice, and salad for everyone. Jeana’s playing good hostess, getting the Jackie-approved salad dressings on the table for everyone.

Right away, Jeana asks Joe about his last girlfriend. Turns out it’s been a while. He probably thinks it’s because he’s fat, I think it’s because he seems like an asshole. Funny how that works, huh? Nikki is looking knowingly at the banter going on. Someone asks Joe what kind of girls he likes, and Brian helpfully guides Joe into saying he’s into banging 54 year old women who weigh 174 pounds and have personal chefs named Allan. Joe actually answers to say that his type of women are the ones who like him back. Aww, low self-esteem, it’s nice to meet you!

Joe offers advice to the table on how to be an utter sleazeball. Want to get laid? Go to the bars in airport hotels. The people there are on vacation (on business trips is more like it—who stays at an airport hotel on vacation?), so they’re in it for the cum and nothing else.

t113

People still wear those poncho things?

Jeana squints disapprovingly at this advice, because she wants more than a bang—she wants a boyfriend. Nikki thinks Joe’s an asshole. She also thinks he must be poor, since that’s all it takes to bang a hot chick. If you’re not rich, then you have to be hot. So, Joe’s working on being #2. Jeana tells him he’s good looking, and he jokes about Jeana date-raping him, and him not minding. God, get a room. Also, this is boring.

The group asks Nikki what she does, and she tells them she’s a life advisor. They all laugh and ask her to say it again—clearly they heard it wrong. “What, I can’t be a life advisor because I’m fat??” No, not because you’re fat—because you’re a rude alcoholic who actually doesn’t work and lives off an inheritance. I’d not take life advice from THAT, thank you. Oh, and she tells them she works on a barter system, too. And we all know that barter system = handjobs and blow. ( “You don’t have to spend your lives shootin’ up in the trash, homeless on the streets giving handjobs for cash! Follow these words and very soon you will say…it’s easy, mmkay!”) The rest of the group thinks she’s just a lazy whore.
In the patented “We’re Back! No, We’re Not!” segment Bravo likes to pull, Jeana asks Joe to hit the hot tub with her. He nods right away. Nikki and Brian joke about bringing them champagne, and Joe tells us he’s okay with Jeana having a crush on him. She’s giving him advice about how when you’re with the right person, it’s ALLLLL gooood. I can’t tell if they’re trying to insinuate that she’s telling Joe this because she thinks he’s the right person for her, or maybe she’s just being motherly and giving him actual advice, but either way, he’s taking it as a come-on because he lacks social skills with women.

It’s the next morning, at Nikki’s house. Or clubhouse, or whatever adult children live in these days. She’s net-chatting with some chubby queer (I thought she didn’t like those!!), smoking a turd cigarette and drinking coffee. But who to her wandering eye must appear, but a frizzy-haired lesbo with no tiny reindeer! (It’s late. Sorry.) Yep, Jackie just walks right in to this den of sloth, since the door is totally open. It’s actually too ridiculous to describe, actually. Like, there’s a room with a chaise lounge and a trash can. That’s it. And then there’s this super-sparse kitchen, which is where Miss Thing is propped up for her ridiculous conversations. I think Nikki’s life probably really sucks, really bad. But SHE will tell you it’s fabulous. But look at her! Obviously, she’s not happy.

t114

Jackie walks into the kitchen, and Nikki’s like, “Oh, fuck me.” I love British/Aussie phrasing. Oh, then she jokes (?) in a talking head about how she has a “firm rule” about “no lesbians” in her house. Sure, and that’s really funny. Oh, you’re just so cool, Nikki. Jackie sniff’s Nikki’s mug (NOT THAT MUG) and Nikki’s drinking straight vodka. At whatever-o’clock in the AM. Now she sounds like my grandmom.

Jackie goes through Nikki’s fridge, and it’s no surprise that it’s sparse except for booze. Then she asks if Nikki has worked out today, and from the frumpy pajama look we’re getting, I’m pretty sure the answer is no. Nikki complains that Jackie is mean and needs to be nicer. Um, A) you said earlier that you need her to be in your face, it’s the only way you’ll listen and B) she IS being nice, considering you’re drinking vodka and smoking one of your “five” cigarettes a day in your kitchen at 9 AM!

Jackie and Nikki sit down to talk it out, and finally Nikki takes it a bit seriously. Jackie asks if Nikki’s rebelling, and Nikki says, “I’m rebelling against ME.” Apparently, Nikki feels like she’s able to help out all of her friends with their life messes, but when it comes to her own, she’s just not that nice to herself. Jackie encourages her to be open to the whole process, and Nikki nods as soberly as she can. They really seem to be having a good conversation—I hope it’s not all forgotten BS later.

So, finally, hours and days after I’ve started this recap (it is TAKING FOREVER and it’s not even any good!), we have the final weigh in. Remember that there will be a bit of group therapy first. Weeee! So, we watch everyone getting ready and approaching. Brian’s trying on a buttondown shirt that’s WAY too tight. Joe’s smirking about how everyone else is a big loser except him. When Joe arrives, Jackie says he looks handsome, and he jokes back, “So do you.” HA!

t117

Now that everyone’s here, Jackie introduces the therapist, an Indian woman with a harsh face. Her name takes me a while to get, because it’s long and spelled unfamiliarly and the DVR timeline keeps blocking it when I hit pause. Dr. Ramani Dervasula. That’s her.

She asks Brian about his relationship with sugar, as though she’s Freud asking about someone’s mother. He’s been coping with his sugar withdrawal by remembering Jackie’s stairs torture. Dr. Ramani is rephrasing the really basic things he’s saying in psychobabble parlance, talking about how Brian will soon turn his memory of Jackie torture into his own “inner Brian”. I don’t think I’d like that.

Then we talk to Nikki, who admits to the group her self-sabotage. THEN she tells the group about lying to her personal shopper at Neiman Marcus about being pregnant, to explain the weight gain. WHAT?! Do people REALLY do that outside of chick lit novels? I mean, eventually you have to, like, produce a kid for that lie to continue working!!! WTF!

Stacy cuts everyone off as they laugh about Nikki’s lie, saying she has her own super-special inner demon to talk about. Apparently, her big secret is that she’s good at camouflaging her weight. Um, record-scratch, honey—you’re not that good at it. Joe’s making “You suck!” faces at her.

Dr. Ramani calls on Jeana. Jeana admits that while she wants to lose the weight for herself, she really just wants her sons to stop being dicks about her weight. Dr. R asks how they’ve had permission to disrespect her like that. Obviously, the answer is, “I just allowed them to talk to me like that!”, but Jeana blames her ex-husband. We all remember what a douchebag he always was. He definitely talked down to Jeana, all the time, and it’s a shame that Jeana allowed her sons to sandbag her, too. I bet they’re bad boyfriends. Especially that baseball player one.

Mandy’s like, “oh, my sons never speak to me that way, they love me and think I’m pretty.” Jeana’s like,”Right, and they’re 10. There’s still time for them to be dicks! Love, Jeana.”

Oh, I love the next segment of this crap, where Joe’s explaining about how he’ll go on food runs for his staff, so he can get an extra burger or two to scarf down in the car on the way back to work. To me, this makes sense. Back when I was fat, I’d totally be like this. It’s like offering to be the one to go do an errand so you can sneak a cigarette! That’s all! But Nikki’s like, “Don’t you think that’s greedy and pompous, to be the one who gets to eat first?” Um, she doesn’t get it. At all. Meanwhile, Joe bashes his mom for making him feel guilty, in bashing Nikki for trying to make him feel guilty. And Jackie says Joe must have a gaping hole in his life to want to stuff cheeseburgers down there so bad.

A big reveal comes when Kim speaks up. (And it’s actually a breath-holding moment, because of Jackie’s bad history with Peeler’s client on Work Out.) She had cancer a while back, and she lost both her breasts and her uterus. She feels like maybe less of a woman sometimes, AND she learned a devil-may-care attitude when it comes to food. Like, this might be it, I might die soon, so lemme have that Twinkie! And Shay would want to comfort her mom when she wasn’t feeling well, and she did so with food. So now, they need to break that habit and get comfort elsewhere.

Time for weigh ins. I can’t stand to over-recap this, so hopefully a summary will satisfy.
–Stacy: Lost 7 lbs. “That’s like a puppy!” Yes, yes it is. Shut up.
–Brian: Lost 7 lbs.
–Jeana: Lost 4 lbs.
–Joe: Lost 10 lbs. (wow!)
–Mandy: Lost 5 lbs.
–Shay: Lost 5 lbs.
–Kim: Lost 9 lbs.
–Nikki: Lost 6 lbs.

Cool. Hopefully this motivates everyone to keep going. And hopefully no one gets complacent already. (That probably won’t happen til week three.) Jackie’s excited, because now she knows they actually WANT this.

My only comment on these weigh-ins at this point is that we should watch what they wear to weigh-in the next few weeks, since apparently, on this show, the scale they’re standing on IS the actual scale used for the official weigh in. It’s not like Biggest Loser where they weigh you off-screen first and then the prop scale shows the number. So, they will start coming in wearing less and less clothing, just wait! I used to do this for my weigh-ins when I was losing all my weight. I’d wear the same thing every time, even when it was winter and a tank top and shorts looked ridiculous!

The “This season on…” clip montage is really, really, really similar to every other weight loss show’s “This season on” clip montage. People are going to cry. People might barf. There will be challenges. There will be weigh-ins. There will be fights. And Nikki has to take a lie detector test. Shrug!

So, that’s it for me, folks. It was a lot more work to write this recap than it should have been. I just wasn’t feelin’ it, dawg. So, as we speak, a new recapper might be hard at work to come up with all the nasty snark you all expect. (Is anyone watching?) I just don’t have it in me. See you around for another show!!

About

Time for an update! I used to be a tall, athletic editor who lived on the East coast. Oh, I still am, only now I've gained back all the weight I lost, which changes my life-tone quite a bit. Now that I'm married, I have a lot less time to watch Bravo and Food network. We usually end up watching Big Bang Theory reruns ("all of my friends, all of my friends, all of my friends") or Wipeout. Or WWE Raw. Wow. How life has changed!  Join me as we chat about my breast friend Patti Stanger and her love minions. Or maybe we'll talk about art during Work of Art. Whatever we're watching, don't be shy--tell me what you think!

61 Comments

  1. 1
    marijai
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 11:07 am

    I loved this recap SP!! I thought you did a great job! For some reason, I like Nikki. Maybe it’s her “I’m going to say what I think” attitude, but I’m liking her for this week!

    Hope you can stick it out. We need someone to recap this show who can call Jackie on her bullshit weightloss theories. Trust me, if water burned 100 calories, I wouldn’t be sitting here with a Coke on my desk! Again, great job!

  2. 2
    chemgal
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 11:12 am

    I’m liking this show except for the therapy. That part sucks. I am finding the information and ideas for working out to help motivate me on my own weight loss efforts which seem to have plateaued. I’m on the fence about getting p90x – but hoping can pick up enough hints to avoid spending the money.

    I’m anti-splenda. After having a friend diagnosed with aspartame poisoning (which mimics fibromyalgia symptoms) I avoid any and all artificial sweeteners. Anyone using them should do some research. 15% of Splenda never leaves your body. Even more aspartame stays behind in you joints.

    I do however use milk thistle to keep the liver functioning well. And lemon in my water, but that’s just so it tastes better.

    I’m a Nikki fan. Although I thought she was English. So I guess I need to brush up on my accents.

    I wouldn’t have thrown out all my sugar foods either. I would have done the same and cooked it all and given it away. Something about throwing out food when people are starving and wouldn’t give a shit about the extra gram of sugar, rubs me the wrong way. Jackie needs to be a guest on what not to wear and they can do a whole segment on workout gear.
    She is sort of manly, but at least doesn’t look all veiny like Madonna.

  3. 3
    Jessica Black
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 11:37 am

    As usual, you crack me up!!!

  4. 4
    SexyPanda
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    @Marijai: Thank you for making me feel like my four days of writing pain were worth it! It was awful, I don’t know what it was. I don’t normally have a problem giving y’all verbal diarrhea! But this really was it for me. Unless we get a *really* rabid response saying it MUST be recapped, and, well, then I told Flipit I’d still do it. Unless someone else steps in! :)

    @Chemgal: I was going to use this show to motivate me, too. I lost a ton about 4 years ago, but 10-15 lbs have crept back, despite all my triathlon training/racing. I was going to actually post my own weekly numbers, too, so I’d have someone (TVgasmii!) to be accountable to. I’m still going to keep track, just not publicly.

    Aaaand now I’m afraid to eat Splenda. :( (I’ll go Google it.)

    @Jess: Thanks, girlie! :)

  5. 5
    salvadoralexio
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    thanks for the aspartame info, it reminded me to eat my sugar free pudding! yum!

    i thought this was a really excellent recap! Hope you dont quit

  6. 6
    whoochile
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    I loved your recap! I thought you were humorous and quite accurate with your knowledge of nutritional trends.
    Have to laugh though, I have my MEd in exercise science, yadayada…I currently teach pilates. Any way, I totally use the “think about the muscle you are working” bit. It works! What it does is makes you zero in on that muscle group and give it some extra work. Now I am not talking about actually picturing the muscle contracting like in a horror movie! I also am a fan of putting a finger (sounds creepy) on the muscle I want to target. I use it as tactile feedback.
    Great job at your weight loss! I always get excited to hear success stories.
    Please keep recapping but I understand if your brain will go numb and you don’t want to sacrifice.

  7. 7
    k37744
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    Oh, SexyPanda….you must overcome!!! I’m so glad you’re recapping this, and you polished this Sky-Turd right out of the park! (I’m not sure how many more “Real Housewives episodes I can handle before I beat myself senseless with some ham and a dictionary).

    I’m not really liking anyone except the mother/daughter team so far. They both seem so sweet. Not “I don’t carry my own groceries” sweet, but legitimately sweet. I first caught this episode during the therapy sesh and the “007 of Camoflage” was laugh.out.loud. funny. Points for trying though. Bless her heart.

    Jackie’s an odd bird, but I like her. Last year I started riding my bike and really struggled at first, then found myself yearning to be on my bike 24/7 because it was giving me such a high. Believe me, there was burn…and not all of it bad. You just have to find something you like and get over that hump. I truly hope that happens for all of these people.

    I also truly hope you know how much I appreciate you calling out Joe on his early 90′s poncho. Chyeeeah Joe, it’s only the WEIGHT holding you back bro.

  8. 8
    SexyPanda
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    Sigh. I’ll give it another go this week, but I won’t like it! (but if you like it, tell me, and the pain won’t hurt so bad.)

    I love riding bikes, k3732717377321837213. Let’s go ride sometime!

  9. 9
    Sugarbearly There
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    SexyPanda, LOVED the recap! I love your style and that you know so much about nutrition. Thank you for taking one for the team one more week (and maybe more?)

    I enjoyed this show. (I also have Swamp People & Bad Girls Club on DVR though so… Eh. You know.) I like that no one gets kicked off. I’ve always thought on a weight-loss show that it’s a disservice to the people trying to get fit.

    Signing off… My lunch bag leaked leftover spaghetti on my laptop & now I’m hungry. I’ll definitely be checking the sugars in my kitchen while I make dinner tonight!!!

    PS – Did I mention how much I love this recap? I’m not above a little ass-kissing to keep you going!!!!!

  10. 10
    SexyPanda
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    (I defiantly ate yogurt tonight. AND skim milk. Take THAT, Jackie!)

    Ass-kissing helps!!!!

  11. 11
    Josh Graston
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    Not sure why but I can’t connect to FB to comment. :-(

    Great recap, I actually didn’t watch the episode, but now I have to. I find myself wanting to root for Stacy and I haven’t even seen it.

  12. 12
    Robin Robinez
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    Sexy Panda,

    I love your recaps! Thank You.

    Is it just me,or does the screen-cap of Nikki on page 2 look like she had a boob job on only the left breast?..

    TC,Robin

  13. 13
    SexyPanda
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    I think her bra is as tired as her liver must be…

  14. 14
    Robin Robinez
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    SexyP

    Maybe she is left handed and her muscles on her left side have built up from all the glass tipping she does? :-)

  15. 15
    Robin Robinez
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    “So, finally, hours and days after I’ve started this recap (it is TAKING FOREVER and it’s not even any good!),

    Bite your tongue! This has been a great re-cap :-) Back to reading…

    TC,Robin

  16. 16
    Robin Robinez
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 7:27 pm

    I just finished the recap..yeah,I am a slow reader.:-) I need to put a note on the door that says “Recap reading Do not interrupt.”

    I am glad you changed your mind about doing another recap of this show,yes,it is purely for selfish reasons..

    TC,Robin

  17. 17
    Zbird
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    Okay, SP, I haven’t even watched this show but I read the recap because I think you’re so freakin funny and insightful. Just thought you should know!

  18. 18
    Prodigal Cheez
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    “So, finally, hours and days after I’ve started this recap (it is TAKING FOREVER and it’s not even any good!),”

    Not true Sexy Panda – I thought it was great! And I’ll echo everyone else and say your diet and workout knowledge really adds some great balance to the snark! I hope it grows on on you because this is the first recap of yours I’ve read – and I loved it! :)

    I always love Jeanna, and I hate that she’s so beaten down emotionally that she thinks its okay for her sons to treat her with so much disrespect. I don’t think she’s connected the dots that their cruelty will not just be limited to her, but will replicate with whatever women they end up with.

    I can’t help it I LOVE Nicki!! LOL!! She is like a real-life Karen Walker from “Will and Grace”, albeit not as bombshell-y. She’s such a slag, but I love her deadpan delivery – and even though it would horrify me if my mother or sister or did it, I TOTALLY DIED LAUGHING at the Breakfast of Champions – Straight vodka and stinky black Russian cigarettes!!! Hahahahah!!!

    I liked Brian too – and I felt his pain as he ran pell mell up the stairs clutching sweaty Oreos in his hand, gasping.. I… hate… cooookkkiiieeessss….. LOL!

    Joe is a classic fuckweasel, but I’m open to some kind of epiphany from him.

    I’m not really connecting with the others yet, although I thought the mother daughter team was cute.

    And I liked Mandy, but a little mean sliver in my bitch-brain thinks she’s slightly too…. twee.

    I also thought Jackie looked a lot better with long hair, I would kill to be able to look like her in a pair of jeans.

  19. 19
    Anne McGill
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    I expected Vickie (auntie Crackie) to barge in on Jeana’s party and try to sell them insurance. I hope Jeana does well, it will be hard to teach her boys respect when they’ve never shown it in the past.

    Great recap.

    TVannie

  20. 20
    NatPatBen
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    “I love riding bikes, k3732717377321837213. Let’s go ride sometime.”

    I can’t even tell you how long I laughed at that.

  21. 21
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    Does anyone think that a female personal trainer should have a waistline? or is that unnecessary as long as we see 100% muscles and zero fat?

  22. 22
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted September 13, 2010 at 10:19 pm

    Oh, and hey SexyP! I’m glad to see you around. I probably won’t tune into the show, because I’ve had it up to ‘here’ with people crying, eating, jogging, sweating, talking, then crying some more. But I will check back here for some of your humorous, witty, insights. (All while I impatiently await for Work of Art, sn 2! ;) )

    I’m still trying to lose some baby weight but I think I just need to bite the bullet and buy the Zumba Dance dvd..that looks like so much fun!!

  23. 23
    SexyPanda
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 5:05 am

    Oh CRAP. Looks like I’m giving this one another go!

    :P

    Last night’s didn’t seem nearly as arduous to watch, and hopefully it’ll be a snap to recap. (I’m a poet!) See you in a few days!

  24. 24
    Prodigal Cheez
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 5:28 am

    I’m selfish enough to be very happy about that, Sexy Panda! :D

  25. 25
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 5:53 am

    I tuned into this show last night because of your recaps SP. I can’t wait to read your recap on the next show.

  26. 26
    chemgal
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 6:49 am

    @Anne I missed your comment yesterday about Vicki. Can you imagine what she would do after trying to sell them insurance policies? Her jaw would hit the ground listening to Nikki talk about not working.

  27. 27
    marijai
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 8:16 am

    @Chemgal….I would LOVE to see Nikki take on Crackie!! That would be a hoot! Miss Andy should have to two of them on WWHL!

  28. 28
    Alison Z
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 8:31 am

    @SexyPanda-Yay! You are giving it another try!!! I honestly still have yet to watch this show, but from your recap and the talk with the other ladies, I just may sit down and watch this! I like you, have lost a large amount of weight, for me a whole person basically. It has been hard, and there are some “areas” that could use some work. If anything I will watch it to see what kind of workouts they are doing. I am still ok with the food. Although I did have a few to many doritos the other day…ok and the poptarts…Stress its a motherfucker!! I don’t really drink soda, and anything diet or sugar-free totall upsets my stomach and makes me ill for days. If I knew how to post pictures of me before and after I totally would for all of you!

    Anyways, sorry about the ramble! Great recap, and I am looking forward to the next!

  29. 29
    SexyPanda
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 10:22 am

    If I keep it up til the end of the season, I’ll reward anyone who cares with a before/after photo from my highest to my lightest–a difference of 130 lbs. And AZ, we’ll figure out a way for you to do the same. Weight loss by commonfolk like us can really inspire!

  30. 30
    Prodigal Cheez
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Wow, you guys are amazing – and inspiring! I think I like this show because something about it immediately inspired me to up my swim schedule and get back to doing it everyday (I got lazy during the summer). I just made my grocery list, and it’s all low-sugar, low-fat, fresh veggies and chicken and fish. No yogurt though, which sucks – but I love cottage cheese, so I’ll live!

  31. 31
    Prodigal Cheez
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 11:04 am

    Oh, but Thursday I will have a Nicki dilemma because I’m going out with friends!! I’m thinking if I drink Amstel it will be better than wine because beer fills me up – and you can only drink so much beer (I can drink wine all night, it’s terrible!).

  32. 32
    marijai
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Well, damn. If y’all are going to start posting pictures, then I am going to have to get a little healthier too. I’ve already lost 30lbs since January, just by watching what I eat. I HATE exercise, hate to be sweatty, and just don’t like it. However, I am now back in 31″ waist jeans, but I have one pair of very expensive jeans that I can’t breathe in and should be wearing. So thanks ladies, now I’m getting inspired!

    Glad you are sticking around for this SP!

  33. 33
    Prodigal Cheez
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 11:10 am

    We could start a Thintervention companion thread… For those of us fighting our jean waistbands! (I had to hold mine together with a rubber-band due to a jelly bean bonanza this weekend..) LOL!

  34. 34
    k37744
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    Sexy P!

    Haul yer butt AND your bike up to Northeast Ohio and you, me and Twunty can pedal our buns off! The Ohio and Erie Canal towpath is calling our names…

    I can hear mine now….”k3732456123654812668….”.

    Rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?

  35. 35
    Colby's Mom
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    I’m so glad you’re going to continue recapping this show! You did a great job right out of the box. Would LOVE to see your pictures. I’m trying to lose weight but truly despise exercise. So not fun. I know I have to but I honestly disagree with Jackie/Jillian’s etc methods. If you train out of shape people so hard they throw up the fact is they are probably not going to stick with it. It’s better to get in shape at a reasonable rate over time then try to be an Olympic athlete overnight. Now having said that, I’ve never been in shape so I’m just saying throwing up would not encourage me whatsoever. I also think Jackie goes too far on the diet thing. Now this I do know about having gained and lost weight too many times to count (umm, yeah, I know, had I exercised I might have been able to keep the weight off). I guess I advocate moderation. If you need some sugar have one of those 100 calorie snacks and you’re done. It’s better than having a binge and eating an entire package Oreos. Yes, this I do know about :)

    Jackie just fascinates me. Awesome body but not one I could ever have even if I ate only what she ate and did every exercise she did. I’m all curves and she has none and that isn’t just because she has zero body fat. She is tall and lean and I’m…not.

    I started out hating Nikki. I don’t care for people who bash others like that. I think I started to change my mind when she told the pregnancy story. As funny as it was, that is just an incredibly sad story and I think she is sad and vulnerable.

    Can’t wait for the next recap. Hope it goes easier for you than this one.

  36. 36
    Pixielated
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 8:08 pm

    I don’t like Jackie’s body that much because, as Sarcas said, she has no waist. I have a small waist and curvy hips and bottom, and I would not give them up for the world! (People always say I’m thin even when I’m not, for some reason.) You either have a waist or you don’t (of course, it could be under a layer of fat, but not in her case), so I don’t think it affects her ability to be a trainer, but it just isn’t an appealing look to me. But what do I know, I’m a heterosexual female.

    And a curvy figure doesn’t keep you from being in shape, you just look different (better, IMO). JLo was in an Ironman competition and didn’t lose any of her curves.

  37. 37
    maryedith
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    Does anyone else think that these workouts are too strenuous to be done without a trainer screaming at you? I could see these people losing a lot of weight but being unable to sustain it. Becoming fit has been, for me, a long process of letting go of a binge/purge mentality that included bingeing on exercise and diet and then collapsing for months. I don’t think Jackie has the emotional maturity to help people really live healthy lives. That said, I watch like a freak!

  38. 38
    maryedith
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    And, although it kills me to disagree with Cheez, I have turned against my beloved Jeanna! I have had it with her blaming those boys and their dad for everything. She did raise them, after all. She is passive aggressive, and has a serious mean streak. I bet she doesn’t lose any weight, or has more trouble than the others with it.

  39. 39
    SexyPanda
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    JLo did a sprint triathlon, not an Ironman! An Ironman is 2.5 mile swim, 112 mile bike, and 26.2 mile run. She did 0.5 mile swim, 18 mile bike (longer than normal sprint distance, but no ironman!), and maybe a 4-mile run. (I don’t know the distances on the Nautica Tri, I just know it’s NOT an ironman!!!)

    She’s not THAT awesome! (And neither am I, i’ve only made it to olympic distance so far. Next year might be half-ironman, if I can find more time to train.) Sorry, I didn’t mean to shout, I just got rattled at the idea of “JLo” and “Ironman” in the same sentence!

    More to come… :)

  40. 40
    Prodigal Cheez
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    Hi @maryedith! LOL, I can take it if you disagree with me, I’ll still respect you in the morning, LOL! Actually, I can see what you’re saying about Jeanna – in a way it isn’t much different than Assley is it? I guess I’ll have to watch it play out, it’s hard to place her in this context because I’m so used to comparing her to Vickie, Tamra, Lynn and Alexis… We may have to remove the grading curve! ;)

    What I wonder about those strenuous workouts is how safe it is to push someone that hard who is really, really out of shape. The two girls with 50% body fat obviously must be very sedentary – I can’t imagine they weren’t getting dizzy or nauseous. Which I see as a very big red flag for exercise newbies, regardless of age.

    Oh – one thing I definitely had a weird reaction to was Jeanna’s deal with Joe. He’s too young for her, and acts a LOT like Shane (the original RH douchebag). That was all kinds of uncomfiratble at that dinner soiree. Also when did Colton turn mean? He was always the sweet one…

  41. 41
    Prodigal Cheez
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    uncomfiratble

    HAHA!! You have to guess what the hell word is! LMAO.

  42. 42
    2muchbravo
    Posted September 14, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    @Cheez Yes, I thought the same thing about Colton. He always seemed so much nicer to Jeana than Shane did. Dunno, maybe they are both twats.

    I have the same feelings about this show as I have towards the Biggest Loser. I wonder how many of these people are going to maintain long term exercise and healthy eating routines? You can’t just go on a low calorie diet and extemely strenuous exercise routine for a few months with hopes to lose weight and stay that way. Long term weight loss should be done slowly. It’s not a quick fix. One’s behavior needs to be modified. I just don’t think what they do on these shows is healthy. I lost 35 lbs in 3 mos when I was in high school. I did it just thru a very low calorie diet. No exercise. No behavior mod. I gained it all back plus some.
    It’s good they’re not letting them being wusses with the exercise, but maybe it’s too strenuous. My knees felt sympathy pains when Jackie was barking at them to crank the tread mills up to 10!
    Does anyone ever get seriously injured on these shows? It seems like there’s no medium speed. It looks like the people go from sedentary to warp speed.

    Oh, and that hetero guy is a ass.

  43. 43
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 5:05 am

    I hate when I get all uncomfiratble…

    I want Jackie’s abs and arms, they are RIPPED.

  44. 44
    chemgal
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 5:32 am

    I bet Colton was okay with being on a show that showcased how great their life was, but one about his mommy not looking as good as the other OC mommies may be too much for him. I also have mentioned that I can’t sympathize with all of Jeana’s whining and think I didn’t realize how bad it was because as Prodigal mentioned, she was playing off of woman who have so many more obvious issues.
    My husband is very much like Jackie in the sense that he is committed 100% to the eating part. Unfortunately, it really does seem that is the area that you have to be committed if weight loss is your plan. Exercise will keep your body healthy and help you to not gain weight, but 80-90% of weight loss is diet. And I’m just not that committed!
    I think the mom and the mother daughter team have the best chance to lose weight and keep it off if they follow up. Jeana and Nikki may lose during the show, but if you need to be baby sat and have Jackie lurking like a food ninja, you’re not going to follow through after the cameras stop rolling.

  45. 45
    Prodigal Cheez
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 6:32 am

    “I hate when I get all uncomfiratble…

    I want Jackie’s abs and arms, they are RIPPED.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

    I guess you and @maryedith are probably right about Jeanna @chemgal, but maybe losing weight will give her a boost. I’d probably be crying like a baby if I went from Tom Selleck and professional baseball players that looked like Tom Selleck, to… Allen the roly poly chef/Hop Sing of Jeannanza.

    “My knees felt sympathy pains when Jackie was barking at them to crank the tread mills up to 10!”

    @2muchbravo – any high-impact cardio kills me for some reason and always has, even when I was much younger. I worked with a trainer years ago who did that same speed circuit approach of 40 minutes on the treadmill, then some repetition torture device for 10 minutes, then back on the treadmill for 10… I HATED it. It was grueling and I couldn’t keep it up. I would dread my gym appointment for the entire day, so there was no way it could possibly work for me long-term.

    I swim now, I actually really love it. I get going and kind of just check out mentally and count laps, I feel great and relaxed when I’m done. I love starting my day out like that, I’ve been trying to add in some light repetition in the gym like abs, and a few other – ahem – target areas.

  46. 46
    Prodigal Cheez
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 7:46 am

    One thing I kind of didn’t like, now that I’ve taken Jeanna off of the RHOOC grading curve, is that the first socializing they did excluded half of the other people. I know some people just gravitate toward each other, but that was a little too quick for me, it seemed kind of cliqueish – which I think can be counter-productive to that process.

    There was a documentary a few years ago called “Thin” and a few of the girls split off into a clique, you could tell the staff really didn’t like it but there wasn’t much they could do about it. As the documentary played out you could see how the clique not only negatively impacted almost everyone else’s recovery, they started to undermine theirs too. It started with tacit rule-breaking, then escalated into more self-destructive behavior.

    The woman who was sort of leading the clique was kicked out, I read she committed suicide a couple of years later. Which was so sad because she was clearly suffering from more profound psychological issues that probably led to the eating disorder.

    I guess what I kind of do like about this show (even though it’s slow-paced) is that Jackie is incorporating therapy into it. Although I think it would be more successful if everyone was at the same fitness/weight level. Like Mandy is chubby and needs to lose weight, but she’s not like Stacy who appears to suffer from a lifelong eating disorder. When Stacy made the comment about “hiding it really well”, I thought; she has an issue with dysmorphia. I think when Mandy looks in the mirror she sees that she’s overweight but still likes herself, I think when Stacy looks in the mirror she can’t really see herself at all.

  47. 47
    chemgal
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 8:33 am

    Sexy Panda thanks for the info about JLo. I too mistakenly thought she did a full triathalon and was thinking “how the hell….”

    I sit with a personal trainer during my kids martial arts class and pick his brain. One thing he suggested and I am getting immediate results from is walking backwards on the treadmill at a high incline and very low speed. Start REALLY, REALLY slow as it is harder to get used to than you think. It is not hard on the joints and I guess you use more muscles and core muscles to go backwards. Since adding 10 minutes of this every three days for a month, I haven’t lost weight but I have lost almost an inch around my butt and hips!

  48. 48
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 8:37 am

    “Although I think it would be more successful if everyone was at the same fitness/weight level.”

    This is the issue I always had with the gym. You have different weights and fitness levels. I am a thin girl and would always see or hear people that were trying to lose weight making snide comments. My workout is probably going to be structured different than someone trying to lose weight because I am looking for different results. Right now the workouts are probably very similar because everyone is trying to lose weight. Once some of the people start taking the weight off I want to see how they adjust the workouts.

  49. 49
    marijai
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 8:58 am

    @Chemgal…great…I say how much I hate exercise and then here you are with proven results of something I need! I really need to tone and take a few inches off my hips and thighs so my jeans aren’t too big in the waist. (I have boobs, a waist, and hips, sigh.)

    Damn, I guess I will have to try it. I don’t have a treadmill at home…does anyone know how I could do something similar without the equipment?

  50. 50
    chemgal
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 9:06 am

    @marijai do you have a small hill near your home? You can go there and walk up it backwards then walk back down and do it again. The great thing about it is according to the trainer I talked to just 10 minutes of that is way better than doing nothing. Also, another hint that he gave me if I only want to do 10 to 15 minutes a day is to buy a hula hoop. He said weighted ones are best, but can run $35. he told me to start with a $3 hula hoop from walmart or target and do that for 10 to 15 minutes while watching tv. its all core work.

  51. 51
    Alison Z
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 9:06 am

    @mari-Do you have a staircase at home? I had been doing that. But then I got bored! I don’t live that far from the beach-so I could go there, but I have no one to walk with. I don’t live that far from Balboa Park, but again, I don’t like to exercise alone, it gets boring, and fast. I have a Wii fit that is collectind dust, I should break that out again, there are some fun things on there. I know that once I get home, I will actually start to walk. My parents live close to a “beach” not so much a beach but its water and a rocky shore, they also have a dog, and she is a hyper little thing, so I could run with her. MIL has a tredmill and her dog likes to run on it with her..

    @chemgal-after hearing you and your tales of running, I want to be a better person. I lost the weight all on food, no exercise. I am hoping that once I get into gear, it will all shape up. I am like Mari also with having the boobies-hips-thighs. I have no butt, so it is hard to put on those nice form fitting jeans cause they sag….

  52. 52
    chemgal
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 9:11 am

    @classy – I was a snobbish runner before my eye problems that led to weight problems. I easily bounced back to pre-pregnancy weight after each baby and I would count people I passed when I ran races. I always stared in wonderment at the chubbies who seemed not only to be able to finish but post decent times. Now I’m the chubby and am surprised that my speed and endurance haven’t been affected very much. So your point is way beyond correct because its not only different workouts for health reason but also for appearance. I recently did a road race and I smoked chicks who looked like Jackie – may have been because they were giving away beer at the end – but I digress. But lets be honest, I’d give up my top 20 placement in my age category to look like them any day!

  53. 53
    Prodigal Cheez
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 9:16 am

    I’m so going to get a hula hoop today!! And one of these!

    http://il.youtube.com/watch?v=QklovY7l8qs

    Seriously though, I am going to get a hula hoop, and try that backward walking on my treadmill, er clothes depository. @Classy (I just finally realized you capitalize that, sorry) I know what you mean about the gym – and that’s why I’m not a great gym person I think. I like swimming because it’s really easy to zone out and just get into the actual mechanics of it – plus I do a swim, plus add in weights when I do my kicks and pulls. I also usually wear at least 2 swimsuits until my last 1/4 mile.

  54. 54
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 9:24 am

    @chemgal, I am not the best long distance runner but beer at the end of a race would have been a great incentive for me to high tail it to the finish line.

    @P Cheez, it’s fine. I think I started calling you P cheez without permission also. It seems all have embraced it though. I am ok going to the gym with the catty women. It doesn’t bother me, but I see how it bother others. I would just like for those women to understand that we have a different struggle and that’s why we are at the gym. Like I have said I would LOVE to have Jackie’s arms and abs, but alas I do not.

  55. 55
    chemgal
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 9:39 am

    My husband goes to the gym and puts ipod ear plugs in his ears. they aren’t even attached to anything – he just does it so no one talks to him! Plus he said it blocks out a bit all the gabbing. I just found my old bright yellow walkman with the orange hand strap. My kids were amazed that such a thing existed and my husband found a whole box of tapes he had in the basement – including a mix tape from a college girlfriend. We laughed so hard we nearly pissed ourselves. He swears when he gets back from his business trip he is going to take it to the gym and hook it onto the outside of his shorts!
    He usually uses our basement to workout but there are a few things he needs to go there for and he wants to get in and out. I think if her really brings the walkman he will be left alone.

  56. 56
    Alison Z
    Posted September 15, 2010 at 10:54 am

    “I just found my old bright yellow walkman with the orange hand strap. My kids were amazed that such a thing existed and my husband found a whole box of tapes he had in the basement – including a mix tape from a college girlfriend. We laughed so hard we nearly pissed ourselves.” @chemgal-that is too funny! I can totally picture you doing that! Oh I remember the walkman days, and the mixed tapes. Although we taped songs off the radio, so they were either cut off, or you only got 3 songs and a bunch of people talking and commercials…it wasn’t that long ago that I actually had one. And the tape player in my hand me down car that I learned to drive in! The first car I ever bought just had a radio. So I was very overwhelmed with I went to Car Toys to pick out a brand new CD player…that was back in ’99. I am one of the weird ones that has to actually have the head phones wehn I listen to my ipod/iphone. I don’t like things in my ears!

    I could never understand why people like to gab when they are at the gym. If you are doing weights, that is one thing, but on the tredmill or doing the Zumba classes, not the place to be talking! I don’t run anymore cause of the boobies..I would have to wear 2 sports bras, and that aint happening!

  57. 57
    SexyPanda
    Posted September 19, 2010 at 9:54 am

    @chemgal: I did the walking backwards thing yesterday, and it was great! I could really feel it in my quads. Only problem, the treadmill didn’t like it after a while and shut down with a “check speed setting” error. Had to reboot it. :) I’ll definitely do it more.

    I definitely believe weight loss is 80% food, 20% activity, so all this crazy working out is just too much. Just eat better! (Easier said than done, says the Panda with 15 extra pounds!)

  58. 58
    chemgal
    Posted September 19, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    So reads the chemgal eating a huge bowl of sugary Lucky Charms! Every time I work out and think of shedding the last 20 lbs, I think to myself, just don’t eat as much junk. And I swear I’ll eat better. I think I have exercise induced amnesia.

  59. 59
    SexyPanda
    Posted September 19, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    That’s okay. I volunteered at a half-marathon this AM and was so inspired, I ate a (small) bag of (baked) Cheetos. (I’m registered for my own race in Nov. God help me and my herniated discs!!!)

    Enjoy the Charms–they’re a favorite of mine! (And they’re actually NOT THAT BAD!)

  60. 60
    maryedith
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Omg Cheez, I’m just getting back to this thread now and I know everyone’s moved on but I have to say that I thought exactly the same thing about Jeanna’s lunch/party only including some of the people. There was something a little potentially shitstirring about that that I didn’t like, but I thought NO ONE would understand me.

  61. 61
    Prodigal Cheez
    Posted September 22, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    I got it @maryedith! ;) BTW – we started a companion thread on the forums if you want to check it out! :)

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.