Proof that even thin people have muffintop if they’re not careful.
What do you get when you cross the crypt keeper with a lesbian lion and add in a dash of Jillian Michaels? No, not Larry King. Our girl Jackie! Jackie Warner! The host and star of the latest Bravo shit-show, Thintervention!
Welcome, Gasmii, welcome. This season on Thintervention, we’ll follow Jackie as she trains the shit out of eight random people. It’s not like Work Out, though. We’re not at the Sky Lab or whatever the hell it was. We’re in REAL LIFE. There are no prizes and no eliminations (besides poop). The eight participants aren’t even all that gigantic, so it’s no Biggest Loser wannabe. We’ll even have group therapy to cover the emotional side of things–oh joy. So really, it’s just eight people who want to lose weight and be on TV, and Jackie, who wants to sell books and be on TV. They’ll live their own lives, at home, but train with Jackie, and at the end, they’ll hopefully have lost some weight. That’s it.
Seriously, that’s it. So pop some No-Doz and follow me!
We start off at a gym, and I don’t think it’s Sky Sport. I just read the super-fine print over on Jackie’s website, and I think it’s another gym she runs in Beverly Hills. Whatever, you don’t care. (I just liked the view at Sky Sport.) It’s Basic Training day, the day Jackie gets everyone off their asses for the first time to see just how awful and out of shape they are. She and one of her trainers survey the jiggle that’s happening right now on the Spin bikes and treadmills.
Now, we haven’t seen Jackie since, what, 2008? It was in the middle of her third season of Work Out. We’d already survived two seasons of Jackie being bitten by her mad dog girlfriend, and then Jackie was with that ringlet-curled blondie. That slut Rebecca and her Beavis jaw were also hooking up with El Jackie, and didn’t some dude get in on it too? Ick. I actually really liked Work Out during its first run, but then it lost its appeal. THEN, Jackie got fired for making shitty comments about Peeler’s client’s boob job. As if it weren’t bad enough that she was shit-talking a client’s breasts, the client’s boyfriend overheard it. Oh, AND the client is a breast cancer survivor. Shit hits the fan, and it’s “see ya” Jackie. So, now she’s back and she’d probably like you to forget that ever happened. She even put on some long hair for ya. But don’t worry, the leonine eyes are still there, watching your every move, and the super-cut abs and Ken doll hip flexor cuts are still on display.
We start to meet our lucky clients, those whose lives will be thoroughly interrupted and ravaged for the next few months. First up is Stacy, who’s 23 years old. She weighs 224 lbs and is 50.0% fat. FIFTY! She’s HALF FAT! She’s also wearing a terrible wig in her interview, where she tells us that she just moved to LA from Seattle. From the shots we’re shown of her making self-deprecating fat jokes at a comedy club in the middle of the day, I assume she moved her to further her comedy career. Tell better jokes, at night, and you might make that happen!
Be honest. Do I smell?
Stacy blames some of her weight gain on being Jewish–that you can’t separate a Jew from her food. She also likes to eat a lot and lie around! (Hey, she said it, not me. And they show her eating chips, making brownies, all the fat food stereotypes.) The doctor tells her that her PCOS (polysystic ovary syndrome) is going to work against her, since it makes a lot of women gain weight. He shakes her hand as he says, “Let’s make a pact that we won’t use this as an excuse.” How much do you want to bet that the woman with probably the most uphill battle before her AND the greatest medical excuse will be the one to kick ass? I hope my prediction is right, for her sake.
Jackie’s telling the gang, during their “basic training” group workout, that she’s a big proponent of super circuit training—keeping your heart rate high throughout the workout to burn maximum calories. So far, I’m not balking at anything Jackie’s saying. As a trainer, she’s pretty solid. I mean, look how lean she is, how cut her arms are. Sure, they’re a little masculine, but you have to admit that her definition is pretty awesome. We’ll get to the “she looks like a dude” bashing later!
Next up is our BFF, Jeana from Real Housewives of Orange County, Original Recipe. I always liked her the best, not only because she was the only one with a “real” physique, but she seems to be pretty funny and fun to be around. I think I’d have a fun night with her and Gretchen, especially if Jeana and I went to the kitchen to get more drinks and took that time to roll our eyes about how crazy Gretchen was acting.
So, back to Jeana. She’s 54, with 27.4% body fat, and she weighs 174 lbs. (I really wish they gave us people’s height.) She actually doesn’t look too bad—and we know this because they show her in her bra and panties, rutching into a sequined dress. Her legs and arms are still pretty slender and mostly toned, and you can actually see some definition in her abs. She’s just waaaay bloated in the belly and the face. Hello, alcohol.
We see shots of Jeana’s Playboy photos, and she admits that it’s hard to live up to the pedestal she was once on. Her son Colton is agog at the idea that she had two or three breakfasts that day, as she’s making a cake. (Any Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job fans out there, laughing with me about Mr. Henderson and Carol, the “two or three breakfasts” bit? No? Sigh.) Jeana says her family has been “meanly vocal” about her weight, and she’s just not happy with herself or her life. Pout.
Didn’t Jeana have a trainer working with her on RHOOC? She was doing okay for a while, but then she got lazy, right? And I think her problem is going to be food and booze. Just like your SexyPanda, here. I do love my food and booze.
Next we meet Nikki, the most annoying woman on the planet. She’s a West Hollywood native, by way of Australia, and she looks way older than the 39 years old she claims to be. She’s 34.3% bodyfat and weighs 223 lbs. I guess she’s short, because she looks as big or bigger than Stacy, our chubby PCOS Jew, who weighs almost the same but has more bodyfat.
She’s another lover of booze, but in a way that we’ll later see is actually an addiction. Seriously, the first thing we learn about her after her introduction is that she loves cocktails. She’s at a restaurant with two presumably gay guys (I mean, if you didn’t peg her as the fag hag from the first second you saw her, there’s something wrong with you), calling the server “darling” as she explains that her cocktail should be mostly booze and very little ice or soda.
Nikki claims work is “not conducive” to her lifestyle, so she doesn’t do it. She smokes exotic brown cigarettes and wobbles through WeHo in too-short purple dresses with awful fishnets. Earlier, Jackie was giving the group a pep talk, saying, “You have to really want this”, and I don’t think Nikki really does. I think she wants to be less fat without doing any of the work that’ll make that so, and I also think she’s going to be a colossal pain in the ass along the way. You’ll see.
Some quick cuts of the gang working out, and I’m hating that the one woman’s got her hair down. Put that shit in a ponytail! I never understand when women do super-sweaty workouts with their hair down. My hair makes me hot, and having hair sticking to my face is super unpleasant. Ick.
Time to meet Brian. Isn’t Nikki so helpful, when she introduces him as “that unfortunate overweight little queer”? So sweet. Jackie’s asking Brian why he wants to lose weight, and he answers, mid-crunch, that he’s tired of being fat and wearing sloppy clothes. Nikki thinks it must be hard to be a “chubby queer” and she’d certainly never hang out with one. Well, maybe he wouldn’t hang out with you either, you hag!
Let’s meet Brian for reals, shall we? He’s 36, weighs 266 lbs and is 35.1% fat. He’s a little Irish looking, a little bleary-eyed and lacking color, with a sparse beard helping define his jaw. BUT, he’s cute. I like Brian. We see photos of Brian and Miguel, his partner, whom he’s been with for seven years. Brian and Miguel are HOT, or at least Miguel is and Brian WAS.
Brian hides sweets throughout the house, like in the icemaker and inside the crockpot that’s in a back cupboard. Miguel’s looking out for his honey and doesn’t want all the sugar in the house. When speaking with the doctor, Brian learns that sugar affects the brain much like heroin or cocaine does, stimulating pleasure centers and creating a kind of addiction.
Next, we meet Joe. He’s 35, weighs 230 lbs and is 32.2% bodyfat. Joe is a swarthy motherfucker, and he loves his cheeseburgers. Joe isn’t too bad looking, but he’s wearing a stupid gold chain and, ya know, has a big fat cheeseburger belly. He brags about being able to talk to the hottest girls wherever he’s at, but when it’s time to close the deal, they don’t want that belly looming over them. (Can’t blame them.) Patti Stanger would have a field day with Joe.
Jackie has the group doing as many crunches they can do in one minute, then she has them doing pushups. Stupid Nikki just complains, and Jackie’s like, “You can’t even do five pushups.” Her boytoy assistant trainer whines, “She didn’t even TRY,” and Nikki snaps something about him being a “dibber dobber.” I guess that’s Australian slang for “very hot guy who calls it likes he sees it, especially since it’s his job and you’re supposed to want to help yourself be thin.”
Now we meet Shannon (Shay) and Kim, a mother-daughter team. Jackie calls Shay out for being in the worst shape than anybody here. Kim is 47, weighs 180 and has 29.8% bodyfat. Her daughter is 22, weighs 204 lbs and is 50% fat (just like PCOS Stacy). Kim was an athlete all through high school and college, and then she was a fitness model. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Shay opens up a bag of Doritos, WHILE BAKING COOKIES, and, well, I start to drool. Doritos are my weakness. I’ve loved them since I was just a kid, sitting on the couch with my mom, watching C.H.I.P.S. and crushin’ on Poncho. Ah, memories. Anyway, obviously, Shay’s got some bad habits. She’s gorgeous, but by golly, she’s fat. (The doctor calls her out for having the cholesterol of a 50-yr-old!)
I start to make “whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Willis” faces as Jackie gives her next pep talk. See, she says that workouts don’t cause pain—that pain is actually PLEASURE. Oh, that’s why she stayed with the chick who bit her. Seriously, though, I think it’s dangerous to tell a really out of shape fat person that workouts SHOULD hurt.
Mandy’s a 48-yr-old mom, weighs 167 lbs and is 27% bodyfat. We see old photos of Mandy and her hubby, who’ve been married for 13 years. They are HOT. She giggles about how spoiled she is, taking baths every morning with her husband and whatnot. Which we see. Ick. Her problem area really is her belly. It’s like there’s a basketball in there.
Her kids are cute, though! Cute as they sell her out, that is! Little Tristen tells us how Mom always finishes the food on their plates, that she’s a scavenger. His brother Keanu stands there, saying nothing. Keanu and Tristen? Really?
Finally, the first workout is over. Now everyone’s sitting around, sweaty and hating Jackie. She gives them a homework assignment. Go home and clear out all food from your house that has more than 5 grams of sugar in it. She thinks they’re all sugar addicts, so this must be done. They’ll be cranky for a few days as they go through withdrawal, but in the end, it’s worth it. They won’t crave sugar anymore, and then it’ll be easier to stick to a healthy eating plan. As someone who’s made radical changes to her diet in this vein before, I agree. As someone who’s currently drinking tequila and eating a Tootsie Roll, I am grumpy at the idea of you taking my Tootsie Roll away.
Brian’s all smiles to Jackie’s face at the thought of giving up sugar, but in his interview, he’s all, “Fuck you. How’s that?” HA! I like Brian. I just took a cruise through my fridge and cabinets. What would I have tossed if this had been me? Let’s see… well, the Tootsie Rolls, clearly. And my beloved fat-free yogurts!!! WHAT??! Seriously, I’m stunned. I love that yogurt. Those Yoplait Light yogurts that are all custardy and taste like pie but are only 100 calories? They have 14 grams of sugar! I’m relieved that my salad dressing and ketchup are okay, but wow. Low blow with the yogurt, man.
(For the record, skim milk has 12 grams of sugar per serving. And skim milk is good for you. But that’s lactose, a different kind of sugar. Which, hey, wait, so is my yogurt!! YAY!!! I love redemption arcs.)
Jackie tells Nikki not to drink tonight, and Nikki vociferously disagrees. Well, a drink is easily 150 or 200 calories, is it worth it? To Nikki, it sure fucking is.
Then Jackie hands out Blackberries. Each person is supposed to send food logs every day, and they’re also expected to be on standby for Jackie’s every whim. And with that, they’re dismissed.
Not so fast. Nikki really has a problem with the anti-cocktail stance this show is taking. She tries to drag Jackie aside, and I’m glad to see that Jackie doesn’t allow herself to be pulled asunder. Eventually, though, she gives Nikki some time to talk.
See, Nikki can’t be expected to live a cocktail-free lifestyle. What if guests come over? She sneers about offering water, like it’s offering someone a glass of poison, or, worse, LAME JUICE. No Nerd Juice for these people, they need booze. (I’d need booze if I were Nikki’s friend.)
To her credit, Jackie tells Nikki that her refusal to stop drinking “screams of a problem with alcohol.” And Nikki doesn’t seem to dispute it. In fact, she tells Jackie her normal thing is to have two or three vodkas on a Sunday night. Wow. Now, I like a cocktail, and Sunday night’s as good as any. But two or three would put me to sleep before Mad Men even got started. Nikki, Nikki, Nikki…
(Also, holy shit, we’re only 12 minutes into this show. This is going to take forever!!!)
In the end, Jackie relents and tells Nikki that her choices are hers, but the consequences are hers, too. That cocktail will have its effect on Nikki’s progress. Nikki’s cool with it, though. She’ll just have the one, very large, vodka drink and be done with it. Like, pint-glass sized vodka drink. Aye yaye yaye. I kinda appreciate her balls about it, though. I have a big work function this week where I’ll need a cocktail or five. I wish I were so confident as to ask for a pint-sized glass of it. I mean, that’ll stop me from having to wait in line at the bar stand every time, right?
So, now everyone’s back at home. Mother and daughter (Kim and Shay) are dutifully going through their pantry to remove anything that’s too high in sugar. Kim mourns the loss of her Aunt Jemima pancake mix. Don’t worry, you can make pancakes with Splenda! I’ve done it! It’s easy!
While they’re following the rules, Nikki invites her gay boys over for cocktails and rasps about how awful everyone is. She rags on the straight guy because he wants to get skinny to bang better chicks. Why is that so awful? I want to lose weight so I can bang hotter guys! She obviously just hates herself and will pick on anything she can to make herself feel better.
Before bedtime, Jackie texts everyone on their Blackberries to demand a 2-mile walk/run/whatever in the morning. Nikki groans, and Kim/Shay are ready for it.
The next morning, Jeana heads down to the kitchen. Allan, her “personal chef” is there. Now, I read some other sites on the internet sometimes, and I learned that it’s possible Allan is not just putting meat in the oven in the KITCHEN, ifyaknowwhatI’msayin’. Apparently, Allan and Jeana used to date on RHOOC, so it’s entirely conceivable that he’s, like, living with Jeana but she’s calling him her chef for the sake of television. Whatever. Then again, she talks shit about him to her friend as they head out on a walk, so maybe not.
Joe, the straight guy, is stiff as he gets out of bed, and I don’t think I mean his weiner. I don’t know how I’d know if his weiner was stiff since this is regular cable and not Skinemax. Anyway, he takes his dog for a walk as though he’s hungover, but he’s really just sore from the workout the day before.
Jackie’s waiting for Jeana at her front door when Jeana and friend arrive home from their walk. She doesn’t look too bad in jeans, t-shirt, and pleather jacket, sleeves pushed up just-so. They head inside to talk. Jeana’s worried that her boyfriend (ahem, chef) prepared something diet-destroying for breakfast. Looks like it’s fine! Jackie’s got her book with her, though. And THAT is why we’re doing this whole show, to sell books.
There weren’t any funny photos to grab. I’m really sorry.
Jackie wants to check Jeana’s homework. Did she get rid of the sugar? She did not. So we’ll go through her fridge with her. Ah, the lesson on yogurt! Jackie doesn’t bother to explain lactose, so, okay, apparently yogurt is bad for you. (Then what about the milk, bitch?)
Instead of whatever’s in the fridge, Jeana should be eating cottage cheese and two eggs. Apparently the casein in the cottage cheese is a fat-burner, and the lecithin in the yolks of the eggs is also a fat-burner. I’m wrinkling my nose at this stuff, thinking it smells a little like bullshit. Yes, I’ve heard of casein and lecithin before, which is how I’m able to spell them without Googling, but I don’t think eating cottage cheese and two eggs is the panacea Jeana’s looking for. But it’s not UNhealthy, and this recap is already too long, so go Google casein and lecithin for yourself if you want to learn more. (Sorry.)
Jackie explains more about portions and calories, too. Jeana’s going to be on a 1500 calorie diet, which really isn’t bad at all. She should ideally eat a lean protein and a veggie at every meal, which is pretty much the diet I follow. (Oatmeal and egg whites in the AM for me, though. Who eats veggies for breakfast? Okay, okay, spinach in your omelet. Enough. I said, that’s e-fucking-nough!)
Ah, more bullshit sniffing when Jackie tells Jeana to add lemon juice to her water, since that’ll help her burn up to 75 to 100 calories more per day. Don’t think so, sweetie. The lemon will act as a diuretic, which will help block bloat, but it’s not a thermogenic or anything like that. Oh, but it’ll supposedly “detoxify” Jeana’s liver. I make BS face at that, too. It’s all bullshit! It’s “facts” like these that lead posters on Weight Watchers message boards to get into fights.
Jackie visits Mandy next, the mom to Keanu and Tristen. Instead of ridding her house of sugar, she decided to take all the sugar in the house and bake with it! She made Rice Krispie treats and brownies and all kinds of other stuff. Jackie is like, “Um, wow.” Mandy obviously missed the point here, which wasn’t to give sugar away to everyone she cares about in the form of baked goods—it was to get rid of it altogether, throw it away, and NOT give people you love sugar bombs. Mandy’s already teary-eyed.
Jackie tells Mandy that sugar isn’t love. Giving your kids berries and apples is love. Then Jackie asks if Mandy did her two-mile assignment. Of course she didn’t. She took her mother for a walk in a wheelchair, but it was not a “Get Mandy Sweaty and Skinny” walk. So they head out back for a brief, but intense workout. They do pick-ups (sprinting up and down the basketball court, squatting at each end), pushups, mountain-climbers, jumping jacks, high-knees, side planks, lunges, and so on. DONE. That was ten minutes of pure effort. (And THAT is why you hire a trainer. I would never do things that intensely on my own, but when I’m working with a trainer, I’m hurtin’ for days!)
Now Brian gets the Jackie treatment. He’d already cleaned out his cupboards, supposedly, but he still caved and ate two cookies. And he texted Jackie to come clean about it! You nimrod!! Actually, it’s cool that he’s being honest, because being secretive about his cookies is what made him fat. Jackie asks Brian what he got from the cookies, and he isn’t sure, really. He says it was a last hurrah. Jackie encourages him to kick the sugar whore out the door.
So, those two cookies Brian ate? They were 140 calories. Just two little Oreos is 140 calories. That’s not a lot of food for those calories. But Jackie’s gonna have him burn it off. She straps on a heart rate monitor thingie that’ll measure calorie burn, and she makes Brian run up and down his stairs. HOLDING THE COOKIES. He laughs, but he does it, and soon he’s out of breath. When he thinks he’s surely burned 140 calories, he checks the watch. Um, only 43 calories. Keep going, bub.
Just when Brian can’t take it anymore, he’s totally spent, he checks the watch again. 150 calories. Wow, that was a lot of work for two stupid cookies, which are now mashed up like poo in his palm. Lesson learned, right? “Cookies are pain.” Brian jokes that he’ll never eat cookies again—or when he does, he won’t tell her. He’ll just learn to lie. Awww. That won’t work, dude!
Each week, we’ll do a big group workout at an exotic (or at least “fun” location). This week, it’s Laguna Beach. Jackie’s got the aviators on, which is fine, and some big red basketball shorts, which aren’t fine. They look TERRIBLE. Do better at dressing yourself, Jackie. Oh, and Brian’s bitching about getting sand in his fat rolls. Just like the big black gay guy on Money Hungry!
First up, the group will need to blow up beach balls that they’ll use as Swiss balls for the rest of the workout. They’ll do 50 crunches on the ball. Jackie tells them to visualize the muscle they’re working as they work, since that’ll help tone the muscle more. WTF is that bullshit? I don’t believe it, she’s totally full of shit. Oh, and her assistant asks the group, “Do you want abs like this? <points to Jackie’s belly> You have to work.” I know a lot of you said, “ew, I don’t want to look like that.” Well, I do. I lost a lot of weight and I have extra skin hangin’ around. I’d pay a lot of money to have a flat stomach like that.
Guess who can’t blow up her beach ball very well? The boozy smoker, Nikki? You’re right! And everyone else is already doing their crunches when Jackie announces that she starts counting crunches once Nikki’s done blowing up her ball. So, they’re all pissed that she’s bitching and moaning and not getting it done.
Brian’s been doing crunches for forever, so he’s pissed. Everyone else is in pain, which makes Jackie happy, because she’s sick. Shay tells us that her thong has gotten itself stuck in her “vegaginals” (eyeroll) which is like a frontal wedgie. A “veggie”, she calls it. Ew. Anyway, this is why **this** girl never wears a thong to the gym. It’s granny panties or nothing, children.
Now they’re all going to flip tires down the beach. Not so hard, I’d think? Mandy’s all, “my husband doesn’t even let me carry in groceries!” Shut up and flip your tire, sweetie. Jackie calls out Kim for being the strongest, but really, Nikki is kicking ass. I guess when you’re hauling around a 50 lb spare tire every single day, flipping one on the beach isn’t so hard.
Oh, but wait. Nikki’s pooped already. No stamina. Stacy’s all over it, because she really wants a smaller ass. Nikki’s larger ass is now resting inside her tire, as her friends flip their tires past her. Jackie pulls her up and gets the group doing mountain climbers. I hate mountain climbers.
Brian thinks he’s going to vom. He jokes, and it’s not that funny, that he calls Jackie “Herr Warner,” because she’s a Nazi. Har har. Nazi jokes are so 1991.
More working out, more bitching. You can tell who’s into it and who’s not. (Stacy’s into it!) Jackie tells Brian to repeat a “man-tra” (she pronounces it like MAN-tra, not how I normally hear it, “MON-tra), “no more cookies!”.
Then Joe has his own unfunny joke, where he snarks on the two young girls who are 50% bodyfat. “Don’t they have anyone in their lives to say ‘Step away from the cupcake and no one gets hurt?’” Okay, CATHY GUISEWITE.
Oh, now it’s time for the symbolic weight carrying. The group has to each pull in a buoy with their name on it, dragging it hand over hand from the sea to the shore. Oh, there are kettlebells tied to the rope! Oh, it’s the amount of weight each person wants to lose! No shit!
They’re finally done this beach workout. Tomorrow’s the weigh in, so see you suckers at the gym!
Not so fast! Joe, Brian, and Nikki are invited to go with Jeana back to her crib. Jeana acknowledges that her house is a little opulent for the commonfolk, and she seems sensitive to it. Brian, too, seems sensitive to it, in a bitchy, snarky way. Yes, you’re jealous.
They all sit back on the back patio for some cocktails and dinner. Chef/Boyfriend Allan has prepared some steak, rice, and salad for everyone. Jeana’s playing good hostess, getting the Jackie-approved salad dressings on the table for everyone.
Right away, Jeana asks Joe about his last girlfriend. Turns out it’s been a while. He probably thinks it’s because he’s fat, I think it’s because he seems like an asshole. Funny how that works, huh? Nikki is looking knowingly at the banter going on. Someone asks Joe what kind of girls he likes, and Brian helpfully guides Joe into saying he’s into banging 54 year old women who weigh 174 pounds and have personal chefs named Allan. Joe actually answers to say that his type of women are the ones who like him back. Aww, low self-esteem, it’s nice to meet you!
Joe offers advice to the table on how to be an utter sleazeball. Want to get laid? Go to the bars in airport hotels. The people there are on vacation (on business trips is more like it—who stays at an airport hotel on vacation?), so they’re in it for the cum and nothing else.
People still wear those poncho things?
Jeana squints disapprovingly at this advice, because she wants more than a bang—she wants a boyfriend. Nikki thinks Joe’s an asshole. She also thinks he must be poor, since that’s all it takes to bang a hot chick. If you’re not rich, then you have to be hot. So, Joe’s working on being #2. Jeana tells him he’s good looking, and he jokes about Jeana date-raping him, and him not minding. God, get a room. Also, this is boring.
The group asks Nikki what she does, and she tells them she’s a life advisor. They all laugh and ask her to say it again—clearly they heard it wrong. “What, I can’t be a life advisor because I’m fat??” No, not because you’re fat—because you’re a rude alcoholic who actually doesn’t work and lives off an inheritance. I’d not take life advice from THAT, thank you. Oh, and she tells them she works on a barter system, too. And we all know that barter system = handjobs and blow. ( “You don’t have to spend your lives shootin’ up in the trash, homeless on the streets giving handjobs for cash! Follow these words and very soon you will say…it’s easy, mmkay!”) The rest of the group thinks she’s just a lazy whore.
In the patented “We’re Back! No, We’re Not!” segment Bravo likes to pull, Jeana asks Joe to hit the hot tub with her. He nods right away. Nikki and Brian joke about bringing them champagne, and Joe tells us he’s okay with Jeana having a crush on him. She’s giving him advice about how when you’re with the right person, it’s ALLLLL gooood. I can’t tell if they’re trying to insinuate that she’s telling Joe this because she thinks he’s the right person for her, or maybe she’s just being motherly and giving him actual advice, but either way, he’s taking it as a come-on because he lacks social skills with women.
It’s the next morning, at Nikki’s house. Or clubhouse, or whatever adult children live in these days. She’s net-chatting with some chubby queer (I thought she didn’t like those!!), smoking a turd cigarette and drinking coffee. But who to her wandering eye must appear, but a frizzy-haired lesbo with no tiny reindeer! (It’s late. Sorry.) Yep, Jackie just walks right in to this den of sloth, since the door is totally open. It’s actually too ridiculous to describe, actually. Like, there’s a room with a chaise lounge and a trash can. That’s it. And then there’s this super-sparse kitchen, which is where Miss Thing is propped up for her ridiculous conversations. I think Nikki’s life probably really sucks, really bad. But SHE will tell you it’s fabulous. But look at her! Obviously, she’s not happy.
Jackie walks into the kitchen, and Nikki’s like, “Oh, fuck me.” I love British/Aussie phrasing. Oh, then she jokes (?) in a talking head about how she has a “firm rule” about “no lesbians” in her house. Sure, and that’s really funny. Oh, you’re just so cool, Nikki. Jackie sniff’s Nikki’s mug (NOT THAT MUG) and Nikki’s drinking straight vodka. At whatever-o’clock in the AM. Now she sounds like my grandmom.
Jackie goes through Nikki’s fridge, and it’s no surprise that it’s sparse except for booze. Then she asks if Nikki has worked out today, and from the frumpy pajama look we’re getting, I’m pretty sure the answer is no. Nikki complains that Jackie is mean and needs to be nicer. Um, A) you said earlier that you need her to be in your face, it’s the only way you’ll listen and B) she IS being nice, considering you’re drinking vodka and smoking one of your “five” cigarettes a day in your kitchen at 9 AM!
Jackie and Nikki sit down to talk it out, and finally Nikki takes it a bit seriously. Jackie asks if Nikki’s rebelling, and Nikki says, “I’m rebelling against ME.” Apparently, Nikki feels like she’s able to help out all of her friends with their life messes, but when it comes to her own, she’s just not that nice to herself. Jackie encourages her to be open to the whole process, and Nikki nods as soberly as she can. They really seem to be having a good conversation—I hope it’s not all forgotten BS later.
So, finally, hours and days after I’ve started this recap (it is TAKING FOREVER and it’s not even any good!), we have the final weigh in. Remember that there will be a bit of group therapy first. Weeee! So, we watch everyone getting ready and approaching. Brian’s trying on a buttondown shirt that’s WAY too tight. Joe’s smirking about how everyone else is a big loser except him. When Joe arrives, Jackie says he looks handsome, and he jokes back, “So do you.” HA!
Now that everyone’s here, Jackie introduces the therapist, an Indian woman with a harsh face. Her name takes me a while to get, because it’s long and spelled unfamiliarly and the DVR timeline keeps blocking it when I hit pause. Dr. Ramani Dervasula. That’s her.
She asks Brian about his relationship with sugar, as though she’s Freud asking about someone’s mother. He’s been coping with his sugar withdrawal by remembering Jackie’s stairs torture. Dr. Ramani is rephrasing the really basic things he’s saying in psychobabble parlance, talking about how Brian will soon turn his memory of Jackie torture into his own “inner Brian”. I don’t think I’d like that.
Then we talk to Nikki, who admits to the group her self-sabotage. THEN she tells the group about lying to her personal shopper at Neiman Marcus about being pregnant, to explain the weight gain. WHAT?! Do people REALLY do that outside of chick lit novels? I mean, eventually you have to, like, produce a kid for that lie to continue working!!! WTF!
Stacy cuts everyone off as they laugh about Nikki’s lie, saying she has her own super-special inner demon to talk about. Apparently, her big secret is that she’s good at camouflaging her weight. Um, record-scratch, honey—you’re not that good at it. Joe’s making “You suck!” faces at her.
Dr. Ramani calls on Jeana. Jeana admits that while she wants to lose the weight for herself, she really just wants her sons to stop being dicks about her weight. Dr. R asks how they’ve had permission to disrespect her like that. Obviously, the answer is, “I just allowed them to talk to me like that!”, but Jeana blames her ex-husband. We all remember what a douchebag he always was. He definitely talked down to Jeana, all the time, and it’s a shame that Jeana allowed her sons to sandbag her, too. I bet they’re bad boyfriends. Especially that baseball player one.
Mandy’s like, “oh, my sons never speak to me that way, they love me and think I’m pretty.” Jeana’s like,”Right, and they’re 10. There’s still time for them to be dicks! Love, Jeana.”
Oh, I love the next segment of this crap, where Joe’s explaining about how he’ll go on food runs for his staff, so he can get an extra burger or two to scarf down in the car on the way back to work. To me, this makes sense. Back when I was fat, I’d totally be like this. It’s like offering to be the one to go do an errand so you can sneak a cigarette! That’s all! But Nikki’s like, “Don’t you think that’s greedy and pompous, to be the one who gets to eat first?” Um, she doesn’t get it. At all. Meanwhile, Joe bashes his mom for making him feel guilty, in bashing Nikki for trying to make him feel guilty. And Jackie says Joe must have a gaping hole in his life to want to stuff cheeseburgers down there so bad.
A big reveal comes when Kim speaks up. (And it’s actually a breath-holding moment, because of Jackie’s bad history with Peeler’s client on Work Out.) She had cancer a while back, and she lost both her breasts and her uterus. She feels like maybe less of a woman sometimes, AND she learned a devil-may-care attitude when it comes to food. Like, this might be it, I might die soon, so lemme have that Twinkie! And Shay would want to comfort her mom when she wasn’t feeling well, and she did so with food. So now, they need to break that habit and get comfort elsewhere.
Time for weigh ins. I can’t stand to over-recap this, so hopefully a summary will satisfy.
–Stacy: Lost 7 lbs. “That’s like a puppy!” Yes, yes it is. Shut up.
–Brian: Lost 7 lbs.
–Jeana: Lost 4 lbs.
–Joe: Lost 10 lbs. (wow!)
–Mandy: Lost 5 lbs.
–Shay: Lost 5 lbs.
–Kim: Lost 9 lbs.
–Nikki: Lost 6 lbs.
Cool. Hopefully this motivates everyone to keep going. And hopefully no one gets complacent already. (That probably won’t happen til week three.) Jackie’s excited, because now she knows they actually WANT this.
My only comment on these weigh-ins at this point is that we should watch what they wear to weigh-in the next few weeks, since apparently, on this show, the scale they’re standing on IS the actual scale used for the official weigh in. It’s not like Biggest Loser where they weigh you off-screen first and then the prop scale shows the number. So, they will start coming in wearing less and less clothing, just wait! I used to do this for my weigh-ins when I was losing all my weight. I’d wear the same thing every time, even when it was winter and a tank top and shorts looked ridiculous!
The “This season on…” clip montage is really, really, really similar to every other weight loss show’s “This season on” clip montage. People are going to cry. People might barf. There will be challenges. There will be weigh-ins. There will be fights. And Nikki has to take a lie detector test. Shrug!
So, that’s it for me, folks. It was a lot more work to write this recap than it should have been. I just wasn’t feelin’ it, dawg. So, as we speak, a new recapper might be hard at work to come up with all the nasty snark you all expect. (Is anyone watching?) I just don’t have it in me. See you around for another show!!