Guten tag, mein freunde! Herr Warner and Frau Fleshbeard are back to terrorize you into working out and eating very little. You know you want to talk about everything else that happened in between working out and eating very little. Follow me!
I’m watching this and recapping with fresh eyes and an air of wonderment. How’s that? Well, as I mentioned in my mini-recap earlier this week, I could NOT keep my eyes open for this episode. I kept falling asleep. Sure, I’d had a busy day and a heavy dinner, but I also think it’s because this show sucks the life blood out of me. I’m steeling myself with vodka and caffeine-free Diet Coke tonight, so there’s less danger of that happeninfdsndfnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnm,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
What? Oh, I was snoring?
Okay, enough of the gimmicks, I’ll get to recapping.
First of all, I need to remind you about last week. Last week was the “sex week.” The gang went to a Chinese herb shop to buy horny herbs, they danced with the Pussycat Dolls, and they talked in therapy about masturbation and allowances based on orgasms. I was less than turned on by all of this.
This week is the last week of regular duty before everyone heads home to lose weight on their own for six weeks. Jackie wants to make sure everyone’s really got the routine down, so she takes them away to a spa. Because we’re all so much more disciplined while we’re out of town, right? *coughbullshitcough*
We start off by checking in with a few of our lovable losers. Jeana, Joe, and Mandy each check their Blackberries when a message from Jackie pops in. For this week, they’ve got three days on their own where they need to work out “to intensity” (which is grammatically incorrect, just sayin’) and eat right. Mandy is, of course, surrounded by her children.
Nikki has managed to NOT be passed out drunk with several dead Grey Goose soldiers around her. In fact, she’s making a Jackie shake! She tells us how much she hates working out, though, as she heads to a restaurant with one of her gays. Bryan, meanwhile, is doing crunches and running on the treadmill. He really is committed to this, and while it’s very inspiring, it doesn’t undo the chocolate-covered pretzels I ate before sitting down to write, nor will it be likely to convince me to change out of my current outfit (top half = work blouse, bottom half = pajama pants) in order to go do my own workout. (I’ll let you know.) (I know you’re on tenterhooks about it.) (I know, this isn’t about me.) (Fine, I’ll shut up.)
Everyone’s packing up–it’s time to head to the “fitness retreat”. Nikki drawls, “I hope there’s a baaaaar….” Joe, of course, makes a cocky remark about how you’d have to be a total asshole to gain weight while at this fitness retreat. “Even Jeana’s going to succeed,” he snarls.
Here’s a photo of the lovely hotel from their own website. Bravo didn’t bother to put up ANY photos from the first 30 minutes of the show. Must be a copyright issue, but c’mon. (Sorry.)
Cross-eyed Fleshbeard meets the group in a lobby area with some gift bags. What’s he got? Oh, just some nice bathing suits for all y’all! It seems that each suit was picked out lovingly for each participant, and none of them seems particularly enthused. They DO look enormous, these suits. Nikki grumps about having to work out in a bathing suit, with her usual “We’re fat people, we shouldn’t expose ourselves!” Joe, AGAIN, has asshole things to say.
The women aren’t happy about the bathing suits, with Shay balking about her stretch marks. Fleshbeard’s a sweetie, saying, “C’mere, I’ll show you mine.” No idea where that one’s hiding a stretch mark, but he heads into a changing room to prove it. Shay emerges in her own suit, with a smile. She looks lovely–they’re really nice suits! I want one!
Fleshbeard wells up with tears as he compliments Shay. Then he heads over to Bryan’s changing room to compliment his waist “and these tits”! LOL.
And they all head out to the pool. Jackie’s waiting at the water’s edge, standing strong in a widdle bikini. Joe’s tongue lolls out of his head, because he appreciates and respects the female form so much. Actually, I think he wants to “turn” the lesbian, no? Seriously, he’s such a douche. “Turn around, let’s see!” Jackie gives him THE LOOK. He says it again, like a turbo mega douche. Jackie is clearly pissed. He asks a THIRD time, saying, “I wanna see.” She says, “Good! There’s a lot of shit I want that I don’t get. So chill.” To add insult to injury, Joe interviews to say that Jackie’s inability to take the compliment (!!) has more to do with her mental health than his inappropriate come-on has to do with his. BOGGLED MIND.
Enough of this, it’s time to work out. The person who “gives their all” the most today will get an extra bonus–their own room while at the spa. The rest are doubling up, it seems. Joe is begging to have his own room, and if it wouldn’t be at the expense of the workout itself, I have a feeling everyone would be glad to give up that prize for him. Joe being in his own room is a prize for THEM.
Shay’s not happy about this, because she can’t swim. Way to perpetuate the stereotype! For now, though, they’re just jogging in place. Jackie explained that while the water workouts are easier on your joints, they’re a better (harder) workout to some extent because of the resistance of the water. Jeana misses the point, though, and is like, “Jackie’s right, this is so much easier.” Um…nevermind.
And honestly, the hotel itself barely has any pictures online. What the hell is that about?
Now it’s time to do laps. How’s Shay gonna get through this? Well, she’s going to kick with a kickboard the whole time. That’s actually a great workout, so good for her! No one’s a particularly pretty swimmer, but they’re all working at it. Bryan finishes first, and once Jackie acknowledges it, he heads off for more. No sense in standing around, right?
After they’re all done, Jackie gives them a pep talk on the pool deck. While they’re at the fitness retreat, they are to eat perfectly and to spend lots of time working out. There are tons of classes to sign up for, and they should be all over those. And then it’s time to pick the winner of the solo room. While Shay and Bryan sure kicked ass, Jackie gives the prize to Stacy. I’m not entirely sure why–maybe she was sparing the others the horror of rooming with her. Who knows.
Bryan and Joe will pair up, Mandy and Shay will shack up, and Nikki and Jeana will stay together. Nikki moans, “Noooo! Am I being punished??” Jeana stands ridigly with a smile, then looks down at her goggles. And then she starts to cry. What?! Over Nikki?? Jackie soothes her about her hurt feelings. Wow.
Stacy flops down on the bed in her single room. Nikki and Jeana take their discontent up to their own room. Nikki tries to make light of the comments by the pool, and Jeana’s just out of it, talking about towels and mini-bars. Oh, wait, Jeana thought Nikki was sincerely apologizing, as if Nikki really had something to apologize about! And Jeana thinks Nikki’s apology was forced! Oh boy.
Shay visits with Stacy, where they bash Joe, his mental age (they guess it to be 15, nay, 5 years old), and the size of his weiner. Stacy’s still pretty upset about the cankles comment from the Chinese herb shop. Not that it wasn’t rude, but get over it, honey! If that’s your biggest worry, and you’re STILL worrying about it, then your life must be pretty empty. Also, I’m wondering now if maybe Stacy and Joe somehow have a crush on each other. All this childish poking is actually flirting?
That’s actually not a bad-sized weiner there, Stacy. Methinks you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Joe and his shaving error on his chin are getting boners about getting one-on-one workout time with Fleshbeard. Joe, seriously, is eating this up! Meanwhile, Craig’s trying to talk seriously with Joe about his shitty attitude towards women. He specifically references the cankles comment and how Joe kept asking Jackie to turn around at the pool. Joe says, and I laugh with disbelief at this, “Oh, my comment about Jackie’s ass didn’t bother ME. I wasn’t offended.” SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCKING FUCK. What an asshole.
Joe backpedals explains that his wanting to see Jackie’s ass had more to do with the pride he has in her body, and his recognition of the pride she should have in her body, than anything. That looking upon her body is inspirational, that it gives him motivation to work out. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that light is a hardbody like Jackie or Craig. Thing is, that sounds sweet but it’s all bullshit. But Craig encourages it, wants Joe to broach that with Jackie to at least get her on his side again.
“So you’re saying Jackie doesn’t want to sleep with me?” “Among other things, yeah.”
Bryan, meanwhile, is taking advantage of the fitness retreat and the time with Jackie. She has him doing pushups to failure, then a plank. (And while they don’t show all of him during his plank, I can tell, as a fellow low-back pain sufferer, that Bryan’s plank is a little butt-up, which makes me happy because my own plank is butt-up.) Then he’s doing the assisted pull-ups, cursing and moaning about the extra personal training. He knows he’ll be happy at weigh in, but it sucks now.
Nikki, Mandy, Jeana, and Stacy are by the pool in robes, eating. Jeana’s talking like she’s at a relaxing spa, and Mandy’s looking at the exercise class schedule. Nikki, spearing her food and talking with her mouth full, says she’s not doing any classes with the word “extreme” in the title.
Joe knocks on Jackie’s door, wanting to clear the air. She invites him in and they sit for a chat. He gives Jackie the same BS he was feeding Craig. (And Jackie looks way harsh in this lighting–like she needs some heavy moisturizer or something?) Jackie, by the way, looks totally closed to this explanation. She knows it’s bullshit. Joe wasn’t trying to compliment her on having an inspirationally hard body–he was trying to play mental grab-ass! And she knows it! In fact, she calls him out for his derisive attitude in general–that he appears to have absolutely no respect for women at all. Heyoooo! Go Jackie! She tells him that his crappy attitude is holding him back in so many ways, and that while he’s fixing his appearance, his personality still sucks so bad.
Joe doesn’t seem to get it, but Jackie can also tell she’s not really getting anywhere, so they hug it out and Joe leaves. I think, though, we might see a spark of recognition in Joe’s eyes just now. He tells us that he has a rare opportunity to redefine himself totally right now–not just physically but in other ways. The world can see him differently, and maybe he should make that happen. (Please make it happen.)
Joe heads back to the room, where Bryan is “caught” reading the Bible as though it’s the latest Sedaris book. “You still reading that?” “Yes, it’s the good book. It’s good!” Joe asks if Bryan’s going to join the rest of them at the bar, and Bryan’s like, “Oh HAIL naw.” Bryan holds up Jackie’s book and reminds Joe that going to the bar is not on the program. Joe whatevers that and leaves to get his drink on. Craig and Jeana are already there, so Joe schmoozes up. Then he eyes the waitress’s rack as he orders a cocktail. Ew.
It’s the next AM and everyone’s convening in the lobby. They’re headed off for their extreme workout of the week. Everyone else will ride with Craig in the van, but Bryan gets special alone-time with Jackie. Since he’s not a troublemaker and doesn’t need Jackie’s attention to stay on track, she has to make special effort to give Bryan some solo attention.
During the ride, Bryan asks Jackie about his newfound fear of food. He’s now scared to death to eat anything bad, and Jackie doesn’t try to mitigate these fears at all. In fact, it suits her fine if he’s afraid to eat right now, because then he’ll lose all this weight she wants him to lose so quickly. She reasons that he can re-introduce things like pizza back into his diet later, once he’s more comfortable with the eating plan and such. I’m making a pinchy face at this, but it’s not my show and I’m not driving a BMW around with cameras in my face, so nevermind me. Then Bryan plays with the sunroof.
The gang reconvenes at the Newport Aquatic Center, where a very young man awaits with a special smile for Jeana. Ew. Joe’s got his dumb headband on, which means he’s ready to work.
“Me! I’ll blow you after you drink too much!”
So, what’s their extreme workout going to be? It’s all about rowing today. They’ll split off into two teams. The winning team will have the next morning off to get some spa time; the losing team will have to do a 2-hr workout with Jackie. Somehow, I think for my goals if I were on this show, I’d want the 2-hr workout!! The teams are Bryan, Joe, and Nikki versus Stacy, Shay, Mandy, and Jeana. Craig will hop in with one boat and Jackie will be with the other. I still don’t see how that’s even, but okay.
First, they have to learn how to row. The very young man demonstrates proper row form for the group, then coaches them on how to deliver more power. Mandy is doing her patented fish-mouth gasp with her sweaty hair around her face (grr) and Bryan’s enjoying the eye candy that is the very young man. Anyway, they’re doing a 20-minute row. How boring. I love rowing but it really gets old for me after about 8-1/2 minutes (how long it takes me to do 2000 m).
The teams are now ready for their big boat race. All parties except Shay, that is. She’s pretty nervous about it all, but she shouldn’t be–she’s wearing a life jacket! And each boat will have a member of the aquatic club steering the boat for them, so they only have to worry about form and strength.
So, wait. Explain this to me again. It’s Bryan, Joe, Nikki, and Jackie in one boat (four people), and Stacy, Shay, Mandy, Jeana, and Craig in the other boat (five people). Of course the boat with five people is going to win–amiright? To their credit, the boat with fewer people keeps up a good fight until the very end, when…I’m right, the boat with five wins.
Dinnertime! Jackie brings everyone to a steakhouse for dinner. They’re all gussied up and starving after a good, hard workout. I love that feeling. Jackie asks if they’re all starving, and yes, they are, so she starts ordering appetizers for the table. People’s faces drop as she orders, though. Crab tower. Spinach/artichoke dip. Two bread baskets. Coconut shrimp. Bacon-wrapped scallops. Fried calamari. Ahi tuna. Kobe sliders. And THAT is a lot of food, ladies and gentleman. And ain’t none of it healthy.
When it all comes out, everyone looks upset and confused. No one knows what to do. Bryan throws caution to the wind and spears one calamari ring, seeming to enjoy it immensely. Some people are actually eating other stuff, too. Like Shay and Stacy and maybe Jeana. I think Mandy and Joe are salivating over the food but not having any, still confused about what’s going on.
Jackie finally clues them in–this is the real world, where bad choices lurk around every corner. Yes, true, but you don’t usually having it sitting in front of your face like that. You usually DO have other options! Her point is that while YOU may choose a healthy salad while out to dinner with friends, there WILL be bread on the table and your dining companions WILL get calamari and dips that you want so freakin’ badly. Or what if you show up for a party, starving, and all there is to eat is this bad stuff? You can take the bun off the burger and make it a better choice. You can eat the ahi tuna pretty safely.
But still, this stunt is just mean. Stacy calls the food poison after Bryan snaps a little bit about the situation. They’re all pissed. Jackie apologizes, she didn’t know they’d be so upset about it. I think she starts to get defensive, too, because she turns it around on them. She tells them that she expected them to balk when the food came, to ask for it to be taken away. (And really, they should have all spoken up as she ORDERED. What a waste!) Then she yells at them to get control of their emotions. (Stacy’s crying, natch.)
Somehow, Nikki becomes the voice of reason at the table. She explains that she wasn’t tempted by the bad food, and she’s not angry that it arrived. Then she advises the others to take a deep look into themselves for their emotional reactions to everything, examining the reaction itself and the reasons behind it. It’s a strange moment, really, because it’s totally new-age self-helpy and would annoy the mother-loving shit out of ME, personally, but everyone nods like Nikki is this sage guru. What??
Well, whatever, it’s time to move past this. Jackie has the offending food removed so the group can order properly for themselves. Joe orders a steak, intending to take 2 oz. of it home to his dog. Stacy orders her filet pre-portioned to 4 oz., and Bryan gets something with steamed veggies. Sigh. That’s better.
After dinner, Nikki climbs in bed with Bryan to gossip. She jokes for him to not touch her so she doesn’t catch the gay. She grabs the phone and pretends to call security to have them remove the queer from her bed. All joking aside, she marvels to Bryan about how she FINALLY gets what Jackie was trying to say, now that it’s the last week together. Bryan jokes with her about it, and you can tell he feels superior because he’s been on board the whole time. And, obviously, he’s lost the most weight and has really succeeded. However, Nikki has a really valid point. She fought to keep her own lifestyle this whole time, while slowly incorporating the lifestyle changes into her own life….which sets her up for a longer term of success once this is all over. And I totally agree. She may take longer to lose the weight, but she’s probably more likely to keep it off! Things to think about, right?
In the “We’re back! No, we’re not!” segment this week, Craig, Stacy, and Jeana are in the hot tub together. Craig gets out and is naked. Stacy is shocked–SHOCKED! (And delighted.) The end.
The next morning, it’s time for the winners to be spa-ed and the losers to work out. I’m sure the massages are very nice and all (though I’m quite ticklish), but I think I’d rather have my ass handed to me in a workout! Seriously, there’s no better feeling than those sore muscles and general fatigue (yet happiness) after a hard workout.
Don’t look so thrilled, Joe.
Time for therapy!! YAY! Before we weigh in, Dr. Whatever wants to know how everyone’s feeling about weaning off of Jackie and doing this program on their own. What are their specific challenges?
Nikki goes first–she’s worried about self-sabotage. Shay’s accustomed to eating emotionally, so she’ll have to work extra hard on that. Mandy needs to break her association of food = love. Stacy uses food/weight as an excuse, so she’ll have to stop that. Bryan got comfortable in his relationship and gained weight, then perpetuated a negative cycle of hating himself for being fat, then eating, then getting fat, etc. Jeana has been depressed and made eating her social life. She wants to feel better. Finally, Joe recognizes that he’s a sociopath with no emotions. Now he’s feeling things and sees that he’s been a sociopath, which leads him to apologize to Stacy, who nods with a smug/surprised expression.
Weigh in time!
- Mandy = lost 1 lb. Eek.
- Shay = gained 1 lb. “Oh well,” she says. Jackie calls her out for it–and it turns out Shay had a huge breakfast this morning. (Oatmeal with blueberries, scrambled eggs, and a waffle.) That IS a lot.
- Jeana = lost 1 lb. Jackie no likey.
- Joe = lost 3 lbs. (and had to weigh in shirtless, ugh)
- Stacy = lost 2 lbs. Jackie’s not thrilled.
- Nikki = 0 lbs lost or gained.
- Bryan = lost 7 lbs!!! Holy shit!! His advice to the gang is to focus on the food–that’s the trick to weight loss. (It really is. Hate to say it.)
Jackie sends the kids off into the world, telling Joe and Mandy to get sculpted and reminding Bryan to lose his belly and work his shoulders.
NEXT WEEK! It’s the finale! YAY! We see how everyone did for the past six weeks. Can’t wait to see everyone!
So, what’d you think? Did Joe really have a breakthrough, or was that all totall bullshit? How about Nikki? Will Bryan be able to keep it going once this whole thing is over?
(I’m still in pajama pants. Time to write about Millionaire Matchmaker!)