G’morning or whatever, TVGasmii! It’s morning here for me, and I ran a 5K through mud pits, over cargo nets, and over other obstacles yesterday. What’d YOU do to make Jackie happy, hmm??
Last week, Bryan nearly died at fireman camp, Nikki got loads of extra attention for being a dronk, and both Shay and Joe got injured. Jackie wasn’t pleased with the weight loss numbers, even though they’re perfectly consistent with a steady, healthy, sustainable weight loss goal. This week, shit gets real. Let’s go talk about it!
How’s everyone doing? Well, Bryan is making hard-boiled eggs and telling us he’s no longer hiding food in the house. Instead, he’s freaked out about food in general! Way to go, Jackie! That’s really healthy! Joe’s parked on his lawn again, and he’s checking his gunt in the mirror. Also, he bought one of those $250 cowhides from IKEA to use as a bedroom area rug. I’m not sure how I feel about that, because I LIKE the cowhide, but I don’t like the idea of it in the bedroom.
Oh, did you know that people in 2010 are drinking raw eggs as exercise fuel, a la Rocky? Joe is! Oh, Joe, you 1981-era card.
Stacy’s making a Jackie shake for herself, and it looks annoying and gross. Seriously, just throw some yogurt and berries into the blender and be done. All this extra amino acid nonsense is just a big hassle. Also, the shake Stacy makes is ENORMOUS. Like, won’t even fit in the glass. And yet she tells us she couldn’t be eating smarter or working out harder (*chokelaugh* right!), so she doesn’t understand why her numbers aren’t better. Oh honey.
“So, it’s supposed to be a gallon of each ingredient, right? It’s healthy stuff, so I’ll lose weight!”
Jackie’s straightening up the gym with Craig Fleshbeard, though how those two could keep anything straight is anyone’s guess. Wait, I’m straight and I don’t want to sleep with either one of them, so I guess my little joke backfired on me. She and Craig CAN keep me straight! Excellent!
Anyway, Jackie knows that what she’s hearing from our gang isn’t matching up with what’s on the scale. They’re definitely cheating. The thing is, don’t these people know by now that if they cheat, it’s going to show up on the scale? I mean, science is sciences. It’s like trying to say you’re “athletic and toned” on your dating profile and then you show up on your date with a gut. Just be honest, do honest things, and everything’s fine! And if you need to suck it up and eat miserably for a month or two for a TV show, just do it. I’d rather be miserable and hungry than have Jackie up my ass! As Judge Judy says, it’s so much easier to just tell the truth.
Anyway, people arrive at the gym. Yadda yadda, inner warrior last week, whatever. (How many of those “LA” shirts does Joe have??!) Jackie checks in with Joe and Shay about their injuries, and they’re both still a little wonky. So they’ll get modified workouts today. Joe’s workout boner deflates.
Today’s workout is all about arms and shoulders. Jackie’s like, “You all asked how to get my arms. I’ll show you how to get my arms” and does a fitness model pose or two. She DOES have great arms–muscled without being too thick like a dude or too stringy like Madonna.
And so they work out. Joe’s making sex faces (and deflating any girl boner I would have had for him), and Mandy took her hair OUT of the ponytail it had been in earlier. I don’t get it!!! Nikki’s having trouble with the up-downs (where you hold a plank position and then walk yourself up onto a bench with your arms and back down to the floor). She jokes that she weighs 780 lbs and has delicate wrists, so this is a tough exercise for her. When Nikki flops around on a Swiss ball instead of doing pike rollouts, Joe stares angrily and gripes about Nikki sucking.
“I have to come right now!”
Joe’s sulking actively in Jackie’s direction as she’s working with Nikki. He whines about how Jackie works with beautiful bodies, and Nikki doesn’t have one, but he does, and waaaaaah. Meanwhile, Jackie pushes him away, getting Craig to jerk the leash and get Joe back over to his workout. Wahhhhhh!
No one wants to come right now!
Bryan’s got a bad back, so he’s gotta be careful during workouts. They show Jackie standing with him while he does some reverse flies with dumbbells, making sure his lower back is properly supported. As a fellow low-back pain sufferer, I toooootally commiserate with this situation here. I have to be super careful with my form during strength workouts, and sometimes, my low back doesn’t allow me to even run. If you don’t know low back pain, you don’t know how much it affects EVERYTHING. I did that Warrior Dash race yesterday with a bad back, and my joke was “If one of the obstacles is called Putting On Your Underwear, I might have to skip it.” Seriously, ouch. Anyway, I totally get it, Bry.
I really hate Bravo’s little trick with this show, which is to show a close-up of someone exercising and sweating and grimacing, and then slooooooow doooooown the footage so it’s even grittier and intense (and a little gross). Bryan gets a lot of this treatment. If you haven’t noticed it yet, now you will. You can thank me later.
After the workout, it’s Discipline Time with Mom. That is, Jackie stalks around the group as they sit on the floor, and she attacks their eating. Specifically, she attacks Shay and Stacy, because they send her texts for their food journal and are clearly skipping meals. Then Jackie quizzes them on what happens when you skip meals (your body holds on to fat, the next thing you eat turns right to sugar, etc) (I’m not entirely sure that this is 100% scientifically sound, though parts of it sound good enough and I have too much shit to do today, so I won’t bitch too much more than this).
Then Jackie turns her laser to Nikki, specifically calling her out for all her partying, since it turns her healthy eating program into a maze of party snack grazing, dinners out, and way too many cocktails. She tells Nikki to stay home more, cook for herself more, drink less. Nikki whines that she caaaaaan’t do it on her own, she needs someone to hold her hand and make her do it. Joe makes his “Imma kill you, sucka” face at this.
So, it’s the next day or later that night, or who cares. Nikki’s in a robe, chatting on her laptop, and having a fag. Jackie, once again, enters the unlocked home and “sneaks” inside. (Of course, there’s already a camera on Nikki so she must know what’s coming.) “Fucking hell!” Jackie’s here to cook for Nikki, since Nikki’s not so good at doing that for herself. Nikki says she was going to have some pork and a yam for dinner, but here’s Jackie with some roasted chicken and some other take-out shit that probably cost a fortune. I’m glad these people have the money to get take-out gourmet organic bullshit all the time. Must be nice.
Oh shit. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Now we’re talking about Nikki’s sex life. Jackie’s trying to delve into why Nikki’s not getting on board with doing the work to lose the weight, and she comes upon the idea of body image and sex and whatnot. Jackie suggests that sex is when you’re most vulnerable, and Nikki’s like, “Oh, not me.” To her, sex is power, and she’s never, ever vulnerable. How sad! She continues to say that she needs to fuck powerful people and feel totally overpowered when she has sex (ahem, so she needs to be vulnerable?). And then I seriously gag a bit as she talks about having deep orgasms, coming deeply and powerfully. You should see my face as I’m typing this sentence. It’s like someone is holding a rotting skunk under my nose.
And now it’s the next day. Jackie shows up at Nikki’s, but–GASP!–the door is locked! Nikki seems to be home, but she’s not answering the door or her cell. Uh oh. Jackie’s frustrated, but heads off to pester someone else.
And that someone else is Joe! Yay, he gets the one-on-one attention he was whining for! He’s at his serial-killer-ly immaculate home, painting with friends, when Jackie arrives. (And for the record, the dumb Hollywood hills mural he’s painting in his house? Is dumb.) They head out for a workout together in the park, and he’s excited. They drag all kinds of equipment out of Jackie’s trunk and get to work.
“Your penis is amazing. ” “Thank you, so’s yours.”
Joe still can’t run, but Jackie gets his heart rate up with some pushups on a medicine ball, some resistance tubing work, and some boxing drills. He’s already pooped. But wait! Jackie’s calling in more troops to work out with him! Jeana and Mandy arrive, as does the rain. More boxing drills, and Mandy’s got her hair down (UGH!). She’s also wearing jeggings to the workout. What??! Anyway, she’s kicking Jackie’s pads really well–her legs already look great. Jeana’s flopping around like a drunk Bruce Lee, not connecting even once with Jackie’s pads. The workout ends with a quick jog around the rainy park, sans ponytails. Jeana and her hard nipples jog very slowly in to the finish. And another workout is done.
Jackie calls on Bryan to help find Nikki, and he tracks her down at a bar in WeHo. Instead of meeting her at the bar, he summons Nikki to a coffeeshop next door. Nikki strolls in, full of boozy confidence and bluster, while Bryan smiles tightly. He tries to reason with Nikki about getting her head in the game, and she just keeps making jokes. This is kinda sad, because you know they’re good buddies already, but Bryan really wants Nikki to stop being a douche about the whole thing.
Stacy meets with the doctor again, per Jackie’s instructions, to make sure the PCOS isn’t fuckin’ with her too much. Dr. Cohen explains how PCOS affects blood sugar and weight loss, then suggests that he’ll cut Stacy’s calories by 700 a week (or, doing the extremely difficult math, 100 calories a day). Stacy makes a dramatically “oh shit” face at this, but then says, “Okay.” Doc also suggests staying away from the simple sugars of fruits, which is interesting. It is true, though, you CAN eat too much fruit. It’s still sugar!
Let’s head over to see Shay, shall we? She’s just chillin’ at home with mom Kim–remember her? It’s a huge surprise when Jackie shows up at the door. Cuz, ya know, the camera crew didn’t give that away or anything. I actually have to wonder if they send out camera crews a few times withOUT a Jackie appearance, to do a little random reinforcement and throw people off. I dunno–that’s the only way this or the Nikki segments could have been a genuine surprise. Anyway, they chat and try to figure out why Shay’s weight loss is so slow. Kim backs Shay up by saying she’s never cheating, so it’s just a total mystery. I’m bored already, so let’s move on.
It’s time for this week’s special workout! The group heads out in a van and ends up at some mixed martial arts studio up in the hills. They watch the guys working out for a few minutes, and Bryan notes that one of the guys is Jackie. Ha! Bryan’s not excited about a boxing workout, but Stacy sure is!
Jackie introduces the guy who runs this whole martial arts studio. He explains who he is and what he does, and that today’s workout is a level-one workout he puts professional fighters through. There’s a barf bucket in the corner if you need it, and otherwise, quit bitching and take it seriously. This guy is NO FUN. Stacy giggles and he calls her out for it. GOOD.
Bryan’s making a skeptical face, and Jackie asks him what’s up. Bryan jokes that mixed martial arts makes his “vagina boil.” He doesn’t like fighting or violence, so he just wants to get through the workout and be done.
The instructors start off with a grappling exercise, where they get into bear hugs and then keep moving arms around to break the hold. Jeana gets a boner over it, of course. Bryan, surprisingly, isn’t getting a boner over it. He really detests this stuff! And he thinks it’s gay! It kinda is–all these super-serious hypermasculine men blowing their loads all over each other. Metaphorically, of course!
I gag a little as the group practices grappling with each other. Mandy and Nikki pawing at each other? Jeana grabbin’ at Stacy? No thanks. Jeana’s not thrilled either.
Boner = gone.
“Dude, stop humping me.”
Jackie’s giving Joe a boner during their little grapple, and Bryan’s stuck with one of the instructors, who throws him down right on his back. His bad back. Bryan explodes in anger, walking off the pain. Here’s the clip we all saw all week while watching our other lovely Bravo shows. “Are you feeling a sharp pain?” “Let’s just go.” “Answer the question.” “I AM answering the question, let’s just finish the fucking workout!!!”
“My microphone necklace and I are very angry right now!”
The next exercise has something to do with sitting on a human sized log mat thing and pulling it up to a standing position, after you pummel it to death, of course. Jackie tells Bryan not to do it, but he ignores her. He doesn’t want to lose the calorie burn the workout provides, so he perseveres. Good for him. I really hope he doesn’t try to haul up the log, though. (Heyooooo!)
Nikki’s boxing with a dude who keeps swatting her on the head with his pads, so she jokes about kicking him in the face. “It was goooooorgeous!” Bryan gets some kadoooooz from the main trainer about his stamina and hard work despite being hurt. Mandy’s ponytail falls out as she orgasms in slow-mo on the log dummy. Oh, this show.
More “cool kids get to hang out together” parties after this workout! Mandy hosts this time, and it’s a repeat of that pot-luck they did a few weeks ago. She’s made more salmon and tuna tartare and provided TONS of other food. Wow, food really is love for her! Stacy, Nikki, and Bryan are the honored guests this time. So they all take a plate and sit around the living room, talking. Stacy once again submits to Nikki’s mean jokes about her upcoming blind date. Suggestions include not speaking, not wearing anything from her own closet, or, hey, not showing up at all! Stacy laughs overly hard at this, loving the attention even though it’s MEAN!
“Stacy? You suck.”
Mandy, being genuine and such, asks Stacy about her past relationship stuff, and Stacy answers genuinely. Then Nikki jokes that it all went belly-up because Stacy started speaking, and THEN she started crying. HA! So mean, but so funny. Stacy makes a little of a “wah” face at that. Mandy tells Nikki to back off. Stacy interviews to tell us she has no trouble getting men, she’s great girlfriend material, etc. Whatever. Nikki tries to explain things, Stacy interrupts, and Nikki says, “Don’t speak while mother is talking.” HA!
In the “We’re back! No, We’re Not!” segment this week, we get to watch Stacy on her awful blind date! I know it’s just editing, but she yammers on and on and on AND ON AND ON!!! to her poor date about her stand up, her writing, her eating plan, her working out, jokes she told about working out, jokes she told about eating, her bookshelf, her belief in karma, and so on. Her date just says, “Yeah,” over and over and over again. I mean, he seems interested enough in what she’s saying, but she won’t shut up! Oh, Stacy.
“So then I prop my leg up in the shower and hold the massaging showerhead just so, and…” “Yeah.”
Ugh, time for our favorite segment–the therapy and the weigh in. We all know the polygraph is coming, though, so that at least makes it a little exciting. The group doesn’t know about it yet, though, so they’re confused when the weigh in comes first and therapy is slated to come after.
- Joe = lost 3 lbs
- Mandy = lost 4 lbs
- Bryan = lost 6 lbs!! Yay! (He also tells Jackie about how he’d been bullied in school, hence his hatred of boxing and fighting.) He’s proud of himself, and he should be.
- Jeana = gained 1 lb. Yikes. Jackie looks pissed and sounds pissed, and Jeana’s all “whatever” about it. No reaction, really.
- Shay = lost 3 lbs. Jackie looks pissed, though. Huh?
- Stacy = lost 1 lb. Stacy’s disappointed, and Jackie agrees. Jackie suggests that Stacy may be fudging here and there, and Stacy starts to cry. WHAT?! STACY CRYING???!??!?!??!? Here comes the diatribe against Jackie for thinking she’s a cheater, because she doesn’t cheat. She doesn’t! Wah!
- Nikki = gained 2 lbs. Ouch. Jackie’s stony-faced about it.
“I do NOT prop my leg up and hold the massaging showerhead just so!”
Okay, here it comes. Polygraph time!!
Bryan, Joe, and Mandy get out of taking the lie detector test. They clearly follow the program and don’t need to be publicly shamed. The rest of ‘em, though, wow. Smell ya later!
Boobs and hair!
Skipping over the actual administration of the tests, because it’s not that interesting, let’s get to the results, shall we?
- Shay: is eating more than she should and not working out as hard as she should. No shit.
- Jeana: is generally shown to have been lying, in general. She says, “Okay.” “Okay”???!! What the shit? No one can understand why she doesn’t react to anything. She just smiles dumbly and drunkenly about it.
- Stacy: is eating more than she should. How so? She’s drinking extra Jackie shakes when she’s short on time. Whoa! That explains it–extra calories in the form of the fruit sugar that fucks with her PCOS! Why didn’t this come out earlier when Stacy was all tears? Stacy doesn’t want to deal with it and asks Jackie to just move on. She’s pissed for getting caught, and it’s hysterical to me.
- Nikki: is drinking a lot. What the fuck, are you kidding me???! Anyway, big shock there. They can’t get a straight answer from her on how much she’s actually drinking, so they just assume it’s pretty bad. Nikki laughs it off.
“I love my showerhead, too. It’s okay. P.S. Lose some weight.”
So, what are they going to do about it? Mandy invites Nikki to come live with her for a week, to get her ass on track and her head in the game. And other cliches. Bryan haltingly invites Jeana to come stay with him for the week. Let’s see if he can get through to her.
I think they talked about other stuff, but I’m too wiped out to keep writing about this stuff. Talk about it all in the comments, please!
Next week: Nikki and Jeana move in with their buddies, and Jackie catches Joe on a night out, with booze. He makes a smarmy joke about watching a cute chick’s ass as she walks away. Dork. Jonathon Antin’s sister, the big Pussycat Doll, brings the gang in for a dance lesson, in which Bryan plays with his nips. And the weigh-in appears to be happy and successful. Come back!