Thintervention: O’er the Mountain

I’m baaaaack. You win!

G’morning, or good evenin’, ‘Gasmii!    It’s actually early afternoon for me as I start this, having spent all morning at the gym.  I’m hurtin’.  I did an hour of strength training, and then an hour of step aerobics.  (I love step–I sweat my balls off, but who cares because it’s so much FUN.)  Then I ran for a bit on the treadmill, and THEN I tried the trick some of you were talking about last week, walking backwards on the treadmill.  I did it super-slowly to start but on a wicked incline, and WOW.  (I actually broke the treadmill after a while, too.  Had to hop off and reset it with the on/off switch. Oops!)  I’m definitely doing that again!

Anyway, enough about this asshole. Let’s go talk about those assholes!

It’s week two with our gang of loveable wannabe TV stars.  Remember last week, when we established our baseline workout and got a taste of everyone’s personalities.  Nikki proved to be a troublemaker, and Joe showed us that he’s got that extra special combination of “cockiness” and “low self-esteem”.  Brian ran stairs with cookie-hands, and Stacy lost “a small puppy”.   So what are we in for this week?

I paid a little closer attention to the opening credits this week.  (Thank God they’re short–my attention span can’t handle it anymore.  Thanks, 21st century!)  There’s a lot of buzzwords flashing up, and it’s clear that Jackie really wants to be the personal savior to all of these folks.  And ya know what?  She just can’t. I know she’s not doing the group therapy herself, but I still don’t see her making a transformation to anyone’s soul.  I’d trust her with my abs and that’s about it.

Bryan’s chillin’ at home with his partner, Miguel.  He’s nibbling begrudgingly on rice cakes and bitching about the diet he’s been on so far.  (He’s not bitching about the seven pounds he’s lost, though!)  Miguel’s a really supportive partner, encouraging without being crazed and letting Bryan run the show.  (But hopefully stepping in if Bryan starts to go off the wagon.)  They’re cute.  Bryan wants turkey tonight, and in the voice-over, he helpfully informs us that he feels unattractive and that this affects his relationship.  Ah, the melding of the mundane and the deep.  This show.

Shay and Kim are having breakfast–some yogurt, which I thought was against the law!  Even if it’s fat-free plain Greek yogurt, it’s still 9 grams of sugar!  (I just checked mine!)  Shay, you’re a bad person.  Just kidding.  She’s happy to be under 200.  And Kim wants her to move her ass so they can get their workout started.

Bravo’s caption reads, “Shay enjoying a healthy breakfast.”  Not according to Jackie, she’s not!

Hey, let’s all meet at the gym.  And then let’s just sit there in the lobby for a while.  Nikki’s been out all night, took a quick nap between parties and this workout.  She probably REEKS of alcohol.  Like, it’s coming out of her pores.  A boozy friend of mine helped me move a few years ago, and though he hadn’t had a drink yet that day, the stuff he’d imbibed the night before just oozed out of him all morning.  It was like a distillery hauling my couch up the stairs.  Anyway, Joe’s pretty judgmental about Nikki’s behaviors, and he’s that way because he hates himself.  We all know that already, right?

Jackie shows up and is like, “WTF?  Get inside and start warming up!”  I bet they don’t sit around like that again!   Assistant trainer Craig is already in there, getting in his own workout before they get started.  I can appreciate that he’s a handsome guy, but I’m not into blonde men.  Especially blonde men with a Spencer-like flesh-beard.  (And is it me, or is he a little beady-eyed or cross-eyed?)

Jackie calls everyone around to talk about this week’s workout strategy.  It’s the basics of strength training, working to complete muscle failure.  I’m on board with this right now, because it’s something I’m doing in my own workouts.  You push until you can’t.  Your muscle fibers tear up a little with the stress of the workout, and it’s in their repair of themselves that you get stronger.   This is all good, go forth Jackie.  (She just thanked me for my blessing.  You didn’t hear her?  See, I need to lose 15 lbs, but I’m the expert here today.)

Jackie’s next coaching strategy is to tell them not to stop until they drop.  Motivation and mental fortitude are very important things in working out and losing weight.  A half-hearted workout isn’t going to do a whole lot for you.  Sure, it’s better than sitting on the couch all night, but still.  You have to push yourself. It might be uncomfortable, but you don’t get stronger unless you push yourself.  However, these folks are still pretty new to what’s going on, and I worry that we’re going from zero to sixty a little too hardcore.  Then again, I think they’ve been working out all week so far, so I hope that means they’ve built up a little stamina and strength as a better baseline.  Fingers crossed.

The gym workout today will split them up–half on the treadmills and half on the mats with Jackie for strength training.  Nikki suspects she’s still drunk and looks like she’s holding back vom while she’s just standing there, so I’m sure she’s going to be fun on the circuit.  But she says she’s going to try to push herself, and I appreciate her spirit.  This chick is up for anything!

Let’s get started!  Bryan, Nikki, Shay, and Stacy are running on the treadmills.  I wish we could see what speed they were running at–I’m competitive like that.  No, not because I’m fast (at ALL), but I’m just curious.  I know how slowly *I* ran when I was just getting started, and I know how it felt.  I’m not a natural runner–I HATE it, but it’s the best burn for my buck, so I do it. Especially when they get into the sprints that really have them sucking wind, I wanna know how fast they’re going!

“Craig, stop, 2.7 is tooooooo faaaaaast!”

Stacy is full of cliches, and I suspect that’s why her stand-up comedy act sucks.   See, she’s got her period.  But she says, “I’ve got my monthly bill.” What is this, 6th grade?  Back then, I’d say, “My friend’s in town” or “I have my friend.” Because I was 12.  Then she alerts us, “So I’m Cramp City, USA.”  Eyeroll.   Is a bird in her hand worth two in the bush?  (Whoa, pun unintended.)  Also, working out helps your period feel better.  You’re welcome.

Fleshbeard Craig is jammin’ up the speed and Stacy’s panicking.  She’s worried she’s going to fall, she’s huffing and puffing, she’s holding on to the rails. (If Jillian were here, she’d hop up on top of the treadmill and then do a WWF move down on Stacy’s arms to break them off her body, just to keep her from holding on.  Jillian hates holding on!)  She hops off the treadmill and is doubled over, breathing hard.  Craig asks Jackie, like the dibber-dobber he is, “Are we allowed to cheat?” and Stacy’s like, “OMG, you are such a suck.” Like it’s a noun!  I’m going to use that now.  Anyway, she gets back on and looks totally FINE, though she warns that she was about to pass out.  No you weren’t, you were just feeling the burn and didn’t like it.

On the mats, Joe, Jeana, Mandy, and Kim are doing weighted squats.  I could do these all day–there’s no such thing as muscle failure for me and squats.  Anyway, they’re huffin’ and puffin’, but no one’s crying about it.  I think it’s because they’re older.  I have to give Joe credit–for all his douchery so far, he’s actually been great during these workouts.  His issue really is with food rather than being in or out of shape.

Is no one checking form?  Jeana’s leaning forward too far and there’s no need for Joe to squat THAT low.

This next part makes me laugh, and then it makes me feel bad for laughing.  Craig jacks up the treadmill speed on Stacy (is he only picking on her, or on everyone?), and she freaks. It really is a matter of mind over matter, and Stacy’s mind is still weak.  She freaks out and starts panting for air, then starts wheezing with this loud, crazy vocal wheeze.  It sounds like what a person sounds like when the wind’s been knocked out of them (been there!), but you know the panic in someone’s eyes when their wind is totally gone?  Not here for Stacy.  She’s wheezing crazy, but looks fine. She can talk, actually, and she can walk.  Why aren’t they telling her to put her arms over her head?  Why aren’t they telling her to breathe in through her nose and out through her mouth?

Nikki loves it–she got to take a break while Stacy was freakin’.  It doesn’t take but a minute for Stacy to be totally fine again, sitting on a bench and ready to do some strength training. “That was embarrassing,” she says.  Yes, your bad acting WAS embarrassing.

“You need to look into a new choice of professions.  Comedy and acting?  Not for you.”

LOL to Nikki–as her group does chest presses and weighted squats, she starts to get sick.  “I can smell armpits at every turn.”  As Jackie encourages her to squat more deeply, she bolts for the toilet.  And there goes a bottle of Grey Goose.  (Bryan makes an “eh” joke about how Nikki was partying with “Mr. Goose” last night.  Leave the jokes to me, Bryan.)  Nikki’s a champ–she voms and heads right back to work out. “People vomit.  It happens, especially when you’re running around and you’re fat,” she shrugs.   Okay, I officially like her now.  I still think she’s utterly ridiculous, but she’s also great.

(oooh!  Craig raises the speed on Stacy’s treadmill, and they SHOW him raising it from 3.4 to something higher.  I hope to GOD Stacey wasn’t trying to RUN at 3.4 mph!! Even when I weighed 300 lbs, I walked faster than that!)

They’re doing a one-minute sprint, and Stacy and Shay are slipping.  Shay steps off for a moment and Craig gets the group to cheer her on to continue.  Bryan just jams it out and Stacy somehow regains all her lungs to be able to run again.  Shay makes it to the end, too. She’s a little shaky at the end, and Jackie asks her what’s up.  Shay, teary-eyed, explains the obvious, that she was pushing herself.  And she didn’t want to, but she has to.  That’s why she’s crying.  Jackie’s like, “A-doy. That’s why you’re here.”  Actually, she was nice about it.   Kim is concerned but knows her daughter needs to buck up, so she stands back as Shay works it out for herself.

I hate this whole next segment.  Those who watched, you probably hated it too.  Jackie asks everyone to follow her to the kitchen, where she makes them drink pure kombacha and amino acids and all that other health store mumbo-jumbo.  See, it tastes bad all by itself.  But if you mix it all into smoothies all the time, it won’t taste bad!  Hey, how about you just eat a healthy diet and you won’t need crazy shakes!  It’s not like they’re training to do an Ironman. It’s just healthy weight loss and lifestyle change, right?  Way to take it overboard, Jackie.   Anyway, Stacy overacts about how bad it all tastes–are you surprised?  Jeana shrugs at both items, thinking neither one is that bad. Oh, and Jackie says they all need to have one shake with all this shit in it every day.

“This tastes like a small puppy!”

To help them keep motivated, to push themselves for the following week, Jackie pairs them up.  Uh oh!    Here are the pairings–Shay/Stacy, Kim/Bryan, Jeana/Mandy, and Joe/Nikki.  The last pairing, in particular, is full of eye-rolls.  Neither one is happy about it.  Joe thinks Nikki is a drunk who’s not taking things seriously, and Nikki thinks Joe is a wanker.

The next morning, Mandy’s making breakfast for her family.  She turns down a plate of whatever it is she made for them (I don’t see brownies or rice krispy treats, so I guess she got the message), saying, “I’m going make my shake.”  Ugh.

Oh, LA.  You seem like you’re an asshole.  See, Joe’s meeting Nikki for a workout.  He valets his Land Rover to head inside the Shangri La hotel, to work out at the beach.  Nikki and the trainer they hired meet Joe out back.  Nikki doesn’t know how to take the Shangri La without a cocktail.  And she’s brought her enormous purse, which Joe mocks as he puts on his Karate Kid headband.  Time to work–they get started with some jumping rope. Then they do some boxing work, hitting the trainer’s hands or a heavy bag stand.  Someone says something about “finishing it off” and Joe makes a comment about no one finishing while Nikki’s here.  She makes some joke about Joe giving blowjobs. Does anyone else think they’ll end up in bed together by the end of the season?  (Wait, he just made a joke about her looking like Chris Farley.  I guess not.)

“Fat girl in a little coat…”

Jeana heads over to Mandy’s house for their workout.  Mandy’s worried because Jeana can be bossy. Keanu greets Jeana at the door with a kiss on her hand, which is sweet.  Jeana likes Mandy’s family, thinks they’re cute and envies the love they have for each other.  I wish that for Jeana, too.  Do you think she’ll ever find it?  If she did, would she even recognize it?  Also, her nipples are way hard.  They head out back to do some mixed martial arts training with Mandy’s kids’ instructor.  Jeana’s nipples won’t quit.

Wow, you can almost see ‘em here.

Kim meets Bryan at his place so they can do their partner workout. They head off on a run, and Bryan tells us he appreciates Kim’s no-nonsense attitude.  (She asks, “You ready?” and he says, “No.”  She says, “That’s okay, we’re going to do it anyway.”  Can Kim come work out with me?)

Shay meets Stacy at her place for their wussy workout.  I think Jackie knew they would both suck and totally NOT motivate each other to work harder.  Her plan was actually to put them together so she could show up and surprise them into doing a hardcore Jackie workout, two at a time.  And that’s exactly what happens.  They start off on a yoga workout but both poop out way too quickly after doing almost nothing.  Then they’re just lying there, talking about dinner. Jackie overhears from the porch, and she steps in to get their 50% fat asses moving.  (Nevermind that the girls were initially trying to jump rope in the grass.  Who DOES that?)  She has them squatting and pushing up and sitting up and all kinds of stuff that hurts.  GOOD.

Why is she wearing a Lane Bryant twin-set to work out??

Jeana and Mandy are having dinner, chattin’ about being fat.  Mandy’s motivated to lose weight because of health concerns.  (And she wants to be able to keep up with her kids, which she can’t do right now.)  Her liver is fatty, which the doctor said is either because of heavy alcohol use or excessive bodyfat.  She doesn’t drink, so it must be the fat.  Ouch.   Mandy asks what’s motivating Jeana, and she says it’s that she wants to wear a bikini this summer.  Oh, how trite and Self magazine of you, Jeana.  Mandy thinks Jeana isn’t opening up very much.  Then Jeana makes a comment about Mandy likely being better in bed when she gets smaller, and Mandy smiles uncomfortably as she agrees.  Oh, one of THOSE.  Just talk about sex, relax!

Kim and Bryan are having a jovial dinner together.  Kim asks if Bryan thought she was a bitch when he first met her.  That would be a “yes.”  He says he thought Nikki was “southern, retarded, or drunk” when he met her, because she was a few treadmills away and he couldn’t tell explicitly that she had an accent.  Once he heard the Aussie accent, he was like, “Oh, okay, she’s all THREE things.”  BURN!!   When asked, Kim shares that she thought Bryan was the straight guy and that Joe was gay.  HA!  Jackie interrupts via Blackberry to insist on food photos.  How annoying.

Joe and Nikki seem to be getting along well enough at their own dinner (and food photo session).  Jackie’s text warns them that they’ll be competing as a team tomorrow, and they high-five.  Oh yeah, they’re getting laid soon.  They mutter about the other teams, and Nikki jokes that Jeana’s straddling some 16-yr-old boy who’s crying for his mother.  I guess that means she doesn’t think Jeana’s a threat?

The next morning, everyone meets at Griffith Park.  It’s a dusty network of trails and hills, I guess similar to Runyon Canyon?  I don’t know, I’ve never been to LA.  Google it.  And tell me, please.  They’ll be doing the challenges today while wearing a weighted vest–20 lbs for the women and 40 lbs for the men.  WOW.  Stacy makes a joke about already hauling around a large set of tits (but I said it funnier than she did), so she doesn’t need to wear a weighted vest.  She calls her breast “chesticles.”  Stupid.

So the course works like this.  Do some presses and jumping jacks and things down on level one, using a weighted bar.  Then the teams are tethered together and run together up to level two of the mountain.  Then they’ll use a resistance band to do a bunch of shoulder work.  (And I’m re-motivated to use my resistance tubing while watching TV–I love when my shoulders look well-defined.)  Then they’ll run some more, all the way to the top of the mountain. Oh, there’s that observatory there, that famous one.  I guess I’ll put that on my list for sight-seeing when I visit friends out that way later this year!

Oh, and this is a race.  The winner gets a dinner with Jackie, made by her personal chef, with an alcohol allowance.  “We’ll get to know each other,” she offers.  I don’t think I’d be terribly motivated to win that prize, honestly.  Nothing against Jackie, but it’s not like it’s money or a gift card to get a new pair of designer jeans when I get to my goal weight.  It’s just dinner and drinks.  BUT, the competitor in me wouldn’t let me lose without trying, though.  The others are sizing each other up.  Joe and Nikki think they can easily beat Shay/Stacey, but they think Bryan/Kim are a force to be reckoned with.

And the competition begins!  I think it’s every man and woman for themselves, as far as counting reps goes.  Right?  It looks confusing–like I’d be guessing halfway through, “Shit, I think that was 20?”  Jeana and Mandy claim to have been working on endurance this past week, and they win this first level.  They’re tethered together, heading up the mountain to the second plateau.   Bryan’s curious as to how two 23-year-olds are in last place right now.  I’m amazed, too.

“I’d kindly like you to hasten your performance.”

It’s obviously pretty hot out, and these guys are wearing big black vests–weighted vests–and doing all this aggressive working out.  I’d be MISERABLE.  I sweat at the slightest provocation, and I don’t sweat lightly.  I’d be drenched.  Kim’s having trouble with swelling in her left hand.  I immediately know what it is, because my degrees in psychology and English make me a medical professional.  Seriously, though, I’ve known enough people with cancer to know what this is.  I’m frowning for her.  Nikki’s got a bad tattoo on her shoulder that looks like she’s been trying to laser off.  Some kind of sun tat?  I’d guess she needs about three more sessions under the laser for that to go away completely.  It’s a weird tattoo for her, I wouldn’t have pegged her as a tribal sun tat person.

Yeah, I’d like to lose those 15 lbs so my lats and traps and delts show up like that.  Wow. (They’re there, they’re just hiding!)

Bryan’s concerned that Joe’s cheating with his counting, and Joe’s taking those comments as an opportunity to trash talk AND to motivate Nikki to keep moving.  As they all head up the mountain to the final plateau, the big finish, Joe and Nikki are really working as a team, which is cute.  She says she wants to quit, but Joe won’t let her.   Mandy and Jeana are in the lead, but Bryan and Kim aren’t far behind.  The latter team pours on a run with enough juice to pass Mandy/Jeana for the win!  Wheeee!  They get dinner, booze, and small talk with Herr Warner and Frau Craig!

Oh, hi!

The first three teams are finished and in varying stages of “passing out” at the finish line.  Shay and Stacy are way behind.  Stacy’s big issue is her cardio stamina, which clearly sucks. Oh, more wheezy from her.  Yay.  Nikki keeps calling everything ‘hideous’, which makes me laugh.  To me, hideous refers to physical appearance, not to an experience.  (It’s like my aunt who calls everything “tremendous” when she means “wonderful/awesome/fantastic.”  It makes me laugh every time.)   Oh, wait, time to plug the stupid shake!  Jackie tells them all to remember to drink the shake tomorrow, since they’re all totally depleted.  Or, hey, make sure you eat something appropriate for recovery right now (chocolate milk!), then eat a balanced diet for the next day.  That works too!

Kim’s getting her wrist wrapped by the medics.  She asks what they think it is, and they suspect that it’s just strained and swollen.  Thing is, if she were to say, “I had breast cancer,” anywhere in there, they’d immediately know that it was lymphedema.  That’s a biggie with breast cancer survivors—they have to be really careful to not disrupt the lymph in the arms or THIS happens.  More on that later, but I bet you a zillion dollars that’s what this is.  (Kim tells the medics that she suspects lymphedema and they’re like, “Um, I’m not qualified to make that diagnosis, please see your medical professional, thank you.”)

Time for Bryan to enjoy his reward dinner with Jackie…alone.  (Kim’s taking her swollen arm right to the hospital. If lymphedema gets too bad, you could have to amputate.) First the chef’s telling him what he’s having—fennel-encrusted stuff, sautéed other stuff, and a chutney of things.  The chef touts it as being a low-fat, detox-friendly dish.  Ick.  (It looks good.  Pork loin and spinach and things.)

Jackie lets Bryan have a drink!  He has a choice between tequila over ice with water, or vodka and club soda.  Each choice is about 60-ish calories.  Well, hey, I drink both of those drinks all the time, so I’m feeling pretty good about my choices now!  When I beer it up, it’s always a light beer, and I don’t do wine too often—too hangovery for me.  Like Nikki, I’m not a big fan of mixers.  I don’t want the calories from fruit juice or tonic, and very few bars have diet tonic.  Most bars don’t have diet ginger ale either, which is my mixer of choice at home.  So, it’s straight vodka for me!  Either on the rocks or with club soda.  Yum.

Bryan’s totally uncomfortable.  He makes a joke about Jackie not needing to liquor him up to take him in the back to fool around.  Then Craig Fleshbeard arrives and intimidates Bryan further, for all his hardbodiness.  Craig changes into a ridiculously low V-neck shirt and sits himself right up on Bryan.  BTW, the whole dinner is less than 500 calories.

Jackie starts in pretty quickly with personal questions.  Such as “How is your relationship with your boyfriend?”  From the ring, I thought Bryan considered himself married.  He doesn’t correct her, though, just says the relationship is good.  He jokes that Miguel beats him, but that’s normal, right?   Oh, then she asks about their sex life—did it change when Bryan gained weight?  Yep, Bryan’s uncomfortable, but he answers.  It did change, but because he himself felt like a beached whale and totally gross.

Craig says something about Bryan being good-looking, and Bryan’s jokingly (but seriously) like, “Back off, I’m married…and I’m trying to get with Jackie, ha ha ha.”  “Oh, you’re married…”  Some took it as though Craig was hitting on him—I didn’t get that from this scene.  He’s just trying to pump up Bryan’s confidence a little, give him some extra motivation in the gym tomorrow.   Jackie gives him the pep talk about confidence too, a genuine pep talk, and Bryan’s nodding.  Then she lightens it up by joking about filming Bryan and his husband having sex.  Cool.

In the patented Bravo “We’re back!  No, we’re not!” spot this week, it’s Craig changing into something more comfortable at Jackie’s house before dinner.  And it’s….skull and crossbones adult-sized footie-pajamas.  Wow.  Oh, then he runs out to the kitchen naked for a second, showing off to the chef and Bryan.  Also cool.

And by “cool,” I mean “problematic.”

Okay, jeez, time for the group therapy and weigh-ins.  I’m not a fan of the group therapy.  I appreciate that someone’s trying to address the psyche behind the weight gain, but…it’s a little personal (though these chumps signed up for it) and at the same time, it feels so superficial.  “My mommy didn’t love me enough….I’m hiding my sexuality with my weight.   Wah wah wah.”  Whatever it may be, it’s just….uncomfortable to watch.  Some may even say it’s boring.  (Sorry, people on the show spilling your guts!)

First, though, Kim comes in to talk turkey with Jackie.   Actually, she’s come to talk lymphedema with Jackie.  Her arm’s swelling quite a bit, it hurts, and it’s dangerous to mess around with.  Should she stick with it, or should she honor herself and her strong-but-cancer-beaten body by not pushing it when she doesn’t really have to?  Oh, it’s the latter.  Kim’s out.  I have all the faith in the world that she’ll continue the weight loss on her own, especially with Shay still on the show.  Hope she makes an appearance here and there and kicks some ass.  And, ya know, I hope her arm gets better.

Now the rest of the chumps come in.  Oh god, now we have to talk feelings.  First, we talk feelings about Kim leaving. Really??  Eye roll!  Shay’s totally cool with her mom leaving, and she should be.  Nikki speaks her concern about Shay no longer having a buddy, and Shay’s doing an icy stare in reply.  Bryan’s gonna miss Kim, though.  It makes sense that he’d have feelings about the situation, since he was her partner, and since they seem to be of similar sensibilities in life.  Bryan’s on his own now…

Dr. Whatever wants to know what skeletons people have in their closets that have made them fat.  Nikki’s story comes out first, and it’s actually a little shocking and heartbreaking.  Her mother died when she was 11, and her dad ran off overseas, presumably to play with new would-be wives.  She and her older brother were left to fend for themselves.  Older brother would throw elaborate dinner parties but not let Nikki eat, and so she starved a lot.  OMG, really?  So, she was left to parent herself at ELEVEN, and she was starving.  No wonder she’s got an issue with food and friendship and affection.  Poor kid.

Bryan’s next. Dr. Whatever asks Bryan why he’s been so quiet, what stories he can share with the group to gain their social support.  (Jackie and Dr. W are pretty obsessed with the idea that the group will help each other lose weight, which I feel is a little unrealistically optimistic.)  Bryan says he’s got a lot of blame going on in the background, mostly with his parents.  He chokes up as he’s speaking and you can tell he pretty much would rather not be talking about this.

Turns out he was molested as a three-year-old.  Oh Jesus.  His babysitter’s son did it, and his parents didn’t do anything about it. His dad’s an alcoholic, too, on top of that.  What a mindfuck this is for him, and I’m just absolutely boggled that ANYONE molests anyone, ever.  I am such a naïve girl, I know, but it blows my fucking mind.  HOW do people do this to each other??  To a LITTLE KID??  Don’t answer me.

Is his mascara running?  (His joke, not mine.)

Everyone’s tearing up and in full-on “holy shit” mode. Is it going to be one of those things now where people talk to Bryan differently?  Like, more soothingly?  Or are some assholes going to try to talk frankly about it with him, all casually, at an inappropriate time?  I really hope not. I’m making major pouty face here.  Dr. Whatever has some things to say, but it feels awkward and placating in a totally unhelpful way, so I’m not going to give it any more thought.  Oh, but she asks Bryan how he thinks the group is going to help him, and he thinks that people just showing up and giving it their best will help him stay motivated, too.  Oh, Bryan. Can I give you a hug?  Without either of us making a sexual joke, since that’s what you seem to do as a coping mechanism when things get a little too close?

Everyone else is glad that Douchey Joe kept his face shut during all this, right?  (Wonder what his demons are and when we’ll learn about ‘em.  I’m guessing a failed relationship, a girl that got away and broke his heart.  Maybe she cheated on him. Hope we find out.)

Time for weigh-ins.  Nothing fancy, I’ll just report ‘em as they happen:

• Bryan = 7 lbs!
• Nikki = 3 lbs (she’s accused of drinking, she jokingly denies it)
• Mandy = 5 lbs
• Shay = 2 lbs. Hmm.
• Jeana = 1 lb
• Stacy = 2 lbs (BTW, she reports to be on the “Freak-out-Town express, on the way to “Lose-it-Ville”.  SHUT UP.)
• Joe = +1 lb!

Jackie explains Joe’s gain as being muscle weight, because he’s a man and has testosterone.  I HATE it when people blame poor weight loss on muscle gain.  I doubt that if he was eating correctly for the plan and doing these workouts that he didn’t lose enough to cover even an honest muscle weight gain.  So, I call bullshit.

THEN I call bullshit on Jackie expecting week one style losses for next week.  That’s just not healthy, and she should know it.  It’s not like they’re competing for money, like Biggest Loser or Money Hungry.  They’re trying to get healthy, right?   So expecting 5 lb losses every week is unrealistic and unhealthy.  She should really know better.  It makes bad TV for anyone who knows anything about weight loss.

Next week!  Come back!  We’re going to see Jackie “bring the pain”.  (She says she’s done being nice.)  The challenge is at the Rose Bowl and involves not stopping until you’re dropping. Stacy cries because she’s a slow fat-ass who’s holding others back.  Craig Fleshbeard gets cruel on Shay when she takes a break on the treadmill. Jackie does acting tears to convey to the group that she wants them to succeed.

(OH, and I promised you I’d track my own weight loss with this show.  Last week, lost 2.8 lbs! In a week or two, I’ll check measurements to see if there’s any change.)