Thintervention: Sexy Losers. (Not really.)

Well, hello friends!  How are ya?  Are you ready to talk about sex with Jackie Warner and Co.?  Me neither, but let’s do a shot or two and get on with it.

Last week on Thintervention, Bryan screamed at Jackie about finishing the fucking workout, Joe made sex faces, and the all-mighty polygraph exam was administered to the lying sacks of shit.  Bryan invited Jeana to stay with him for a little tough love, as did Mandy invite Nikki.  I wonnnnnder how it went.

We open with Nikki ringing Mandy’s bell.  Oh no, not a punch, dahling.  Ringing her doorbell, at Mandy’s awful suburban home of success.  Nikki’s removing herself from her WeHo den of sin and vodka to try to get herself back on track.  Once again, Mandy’s made fucking salmon for her guests.  Get a new dish, please!  Seriously, though, she’s sweet.  She’s got a fridge full of love and hardboiled eggs for Nikki.

Over at Bryan’s, Jeana’s arriving to slum it for a week.  Bryan’s husband Miguel greets Jeana warmly, and they all sit at the table to chat.  Miguel quickly sifts through Jeana’s bullshit, as she mutters about how she’s working so hard but eats too much, “but it’s all about moderation.” “But that’s not moderation!”  Go, Miguel!

Aiming her laser booze-beams at Bryan

It’s Basic Training workout time.  Jackie reminds the group about the lie detector test results, which means some tight faces from Stacy and Shay.  Joe–are you shocked?–smirks at this reminder.  Speaking of, he’s finally wearing something BESIDES an “LA” shirt.  But that stupid headband.  I hate that headband.  Give it to Mandy.

Oh wait, he didn’t put the stupid thing on yet.  Don’t worry, you’ll see it again.

Anyway, Jackie’s going on and on about working out to intensity, working them so hard that they’ll lose weight despite themselves, wanting them to lost 15 lbs in two weeks, etc.  *Recordscratch*–what??!  15 pounds in two weeks?  At this point?  Bitch is crazy.  Seriously, this is clearly an effort to get crazy-unrealistic “I have an awards show in 10 days” results, not healthy, lifestyle change results.  Jackie sucks.  Nikki agrees with me, as she starts to cry.  She’s scared, and she’s starting to make that mind-body connection.  Aaaaand, Joe makes a shitty comment about it.

That’s it.  I officially like Nikki today*.  *Subject to change.

And here we go.  Stacy, Jeana, and Nikki are stepping laterally across the gym with resistance bands.  (Good workout, by the way, I should do it more often.)  Jeana’s smiling and not really working hard, which pisses Jackie off.  She screams and Jeana at least has the sense to stop smiling.  Meanwhile, Mandy’s hair is getting a good workout on the treadmill.  Damn it, hair ties are cheap and using them means your children love you more!  Just do it!

Stacy’s whining about puking on Fleshbeard Craig when it’s her turn on the treadmill.  But, just so you know, she doesn’t puke.  Nikki’s running pretty well, though she does sneak a water break behind Craig’s back.  But, seriously, she’s running, and that’s an accomplishment.  And I can almost see a little weight loss going on in her clavicle area, once her jumblies stop bouncing around so bad.

Boy, Jackie really wants to rip Jeana’s face off today.  Now she’s up her ass about her lunge form.  “Do it like how I’ve shown you the past five fucking weeks.”  Whatever, it works.  Jeana steels herself and does it.  Mandy and her ponytailed hair have O face on the treadmill as Craig jacks up the speed.  And there’s that stupid editing trick with the slowed-down misery.  I hate it.  Oh, so does Mandy, cuz now SHE is crying.

Goody!  Scunci!  They make things to help this situation!!!

I tend to carry weight more like Stacy, but I kinda wish I was more like Jeana. All belly and skinny legs would be a nice change.  I should drink more.

Now the group is doing squat jumps with a medicine ball, and Mandy’s really about to lose it.  Her face is in a Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man grimace as Jackie yells at her to hold the squat.  And then she cries again!  She does the stupid squat, but she’s crying.  Once Jackie lets her release from the squat, she collapses onto the mat in tears.  She just doesn’t like it when people yell, even though she understands it’s what Jackie DOES, and it’s for her own good.  I nod, even though me and my vodka drink think she’s a wimp.

Time for the post workout pow-wow.  Mandy is still sniffling. “When it gets hard, I just want to go home.”   She feels selfish for being here while her family is at home, missing her.  Blah blah blah, you have to take care of yourself first, wah wah wah.  Jackie congratulates Nikki for simply making it through the workout, period.  Applause!

Now get the fuck outta here.

So the theme this week, by the way, is “sexy.”  As in, later on, the group will meet at a Chinese herb shop to get things to perk up their sex lives, they’re losing weight and should be feeling more sexy, and their workout later, with the Pussycat Dolls, is going to be (supposedly) sexy.  Hope you didn’t eat a big dinner, cuz you’re going to see that dinner again.

Over at Mandy’s house, Nikki’s getting a massage.  Seriously, Mandy is the best host ever!  Can I come stay?  I’ll bring you some Goody Stay-Put bands!  Mandy’s also arranged for a masseuse for her husband, who takes care of the bottom half while Mandy massages his face and shoulders.  He jokes that this is every man’s dream, “having two Asians.”  Ew.  I bet he also makes Mandy wear a French Maid costume and enjoys body paint.  I mean, how Spencers Gifts could this guy be? (Just wait.)  In all seriousness, though, Mandy and her husband do work hard to maintain an air of Romance in their lives (I have no idea why I capitalized that, and the vodka won’t let me go back to fix it), continuing to “date” each other rather than taking each other for granted.  Which is a good idea. Seriously.

Back at Bryan’s, Jeana and Bryan are kickin’ it on the couch.  “How do you think I come across?” Jeana asks.  Bryan hedges a bit, and ultimately says she comes across as having an air of superiority, especially when she talks about her chef and her driver.  Jeana tries to wave it off, but Bryan doesn’t let her.  He reasons that Mandy has those things too, but you never hear her talking about it.  Ah, isn’t the code among the truly rich that you don’t talk about what you have?  Wonder what’s going on with Jeana, besides alcoholism and an abusive ex-husband.  Anyway, Bryan leaves Jeana to sleep on the couch (!) and it’s nighty-nights.

Early the next AM, Bryan wakes Jeana up with a clatter.  It’s time for spin class!!  First, it’s time for Jackie’s amazing weight gain loss shake.  Does Bryan put the whole strawberries in there, tops and all?  Or is that spinach sprinkled amongst the berries, just so? Whatever, Jeana doesn’t care–she just wants to know if there will be hot guys at the gym.  Ugh, stop it, one trick pony.  You’re boring.  Anyway, later, at the spin class, Jeana actually works hard and breaks a sweat all over.  Like, on her forearms, just like me!  Wow, the rich aren’t that different from me after all.

Nikki and Mandy take a different approach to their little lifestyle blend, in that they go shopping together.  Nikki’s like, “fuck this sales rack, let’s go inside” and Mandy is on the hunt for something to entice her hubby.  Because he’s SO stereotypically male, he needs her to dress sexier.  Of course.  Nothing like thinking she’s hot just the way she is, no, you gotta tart her up.  And actually, he’s got a system with Mandy, where she earns money for shopping sprees every time she meets a weight-loss goal.  I cringe at this, though I know an external reward system tends to work.  It just seems so…patriarchal and shitty when it’s your husband sponsoring a shopping spree.  But Mandy apparently likes it, so whatever.

“Dahling, your husband asked me to help you shop for crotchless panties and a whip.”

Bryan and Jeana go to lunch after spin class, and their poor server Robert is subjected to some nonsense.  Bryan thinks Jeana should like Robert, but Jeana thinks Robert’s totally gay.  Ya know, cuz they’re in West Hollywood.  Bryan isn’t so sure, so he sets Robert up with a set of questions meant to suss out his interest in peen or poon(tang).  “Pink or blue?”  (Blue.)  Robert is a good sport.  “NASCAR or gymnastics?”  NASCAR.  A-ha!  Robert is straight, because gay men don’t like NASCAR.  (Anyone feel differently?  I’m curious.)

“Are you gay? No?  Want to date this 50-yr old drunk?”

But then Bryan and Jeana get down to some straight talk, and I ain’t talkin’ genitals.  No, they engage in a serious discussion about Jeana’s lovelife and general well-being.  Bryan’s a good friend here, pushing and calling on bullshit without being a dick about it.  Jeana had two men in her life last year, but caring for her ex-husband kinda ruined some of that.  Bryan encourages her to let go of that shit and instead focus on herself.  As we all know, you can’t love someone else (and they can’t love you) until you love yourself.

Time to talk horny herbs at the Chinese herb shop.  There’s all kinds of weird shit hanging around in there–dried out seahorses and shark fins and whatnot.  I’m sure it smells funny.  This whole upcoming segment is kinda awful, and I’m about to tell you why.  Mostly, it’s boring.  I don’t care about these nerds’ libidos.  I care about them losing weight and working out.  But no, I have to hear about Shay’s vibrators, Stacy takin’ care of business for herself (and Joe’s horrified face as reaction), and Mandy’s “whoop!” about getting hornier with her husband.  They all kinda make fun of the store while they’re in there, but at least they all buy something to make up for it. Christ.

“So you can’t cure my douchebagginess?”

“Put your tongue away.  We can already tell that you’re a drunk who doesn’t love herself.”

Time for the Pussycat Dolls workout!  As the gang arrives and walks down the aisles of some theatre, Robin Antin and two of her “fitness” dolls (i.e. the uglier ones with hot bods) are doing the routine the group will eventually learn.  Everyone’s agog and smiley, and I sigh deeply.  This is the event the group was instructed to dress sexy for.  Most of them are wearing tighter workout clothes, but Nikki’s in a red-hot leopard print shirt.  And Bryan?  Oh, Bryan.  He’s got the frilly hot-pink/magenta shrug shirt thing that we saw in the previews last week.  And hello, belly!

The group learns the choreography for the “Dontcha” song/dance, which involves squats and such.  Like, will be a workout as much as it is “sexy” and “fun.”  At the end, they’ll do a dance-off to win an hour treatment at Kate Somerville, which I had to Google because I’m not a Hollywood whore. Apparently, it’s expensive face and body care shit.  And despite my reading magazines and blogs all day, I’d never heard of it.  So, yay?  Fleshbeard comes prancing out like a minotaur in a stupid set of suspender pajamas.  (You had to be there.)

This is why I don’t do Zumba class anymore.  I look like a jackass.  Just like they do here.

They all learn the routine, and it’s kinda embarrassing to watch, and they slap asses and whatever.  Shay needs a better bra, or else she’s gonna have black eyes.  At least they all seem to be having fun, and they’re sweating.  The dance-off is happening now, between Bryan, Shay, and Stacy.  Stacy takes off her shirt, getting down to a sports bra and workout pants pulled up to her ribs.  Joe’s disgusted, obviously.  Whatever, go have fun, girl!    Dance off!  It’s obviously down to Shay and Stacy, and I’d totally pick Shay as the winner, but I think Jackie goes for the pity win by giving it to Stacy.  That, and she needed to punish Shay for bringin’ the stank over to her lap during the “freestyle” portion of the dance-off.  (Um, why was Stacy humping the floor like she had a dick? It’s like that YouTube video of the young black kid humping an ottoman like he was giving it a proper rogering.)

Oh, Bryan.

Poor Jackie.

Joe’s at the club that night, ready to pound some pussy.  And that’s exactly as respectful as he’ll ever be about it.  I’m sure he’s never actually made love to a woman, only administered hate-fucks.  So, he’s cheesing out in a VIP area, maybe, with two other doofuses who are ugly enough to make Joe look like a prize.  He talks about big tits and girls blowing him, and I can’t stop staring at the big zit or shaving error on his chin.  Also, he doesn’t blink a lot.  Like a serial killer doesn’t blink a lot.

Douche alert!

But yay, Jackie’s here to witness the madness and make Joe look bad!!  Joe explains that since he’s lost weight, he’s shed the faux confidence he’d had to rely on before (showing up at a club at 1AM and taking home the drunkards who said “yes”).  Now he can be an outright douchebag and get laid from here.  Maybe.

Speaking of, Joe invites a trio of girls over to his table.  Wait, it’s four.  Whatever.  None of them is amazingly gorgeous, but they’re all pretty girls and they all seem to have brains and self-respect.  This doesn’t bode well for Joe.  He asks about boyfriends, husbands, cats.  Then he rudely asks some girls to lean back so he can talk to the one that’s far away.  Right away, the girls are like, “ew.”  Jackie sneers.  Then he asks the strangest question, ever.  Like, it’d be strange to ask your best friend this question, much less some pretty piece of tail you’re hoping to bang.  Something about “do you remember when you reached a point where you realized you were smarter than your parents?”  WHAT?!  The girls all balk at the question, and Joe stammers.  Jackie takes over to ask what type of guys the girls like.  Newsflash, it ain’t guys like Joe!  Anyway, he bombs and let’s move on.

“Haha, wow, you suck, dude!”

In the “We’re Back!  No, We’re Not!” segment this week, Shay goes to a stripper pole dance class.  She sucks at it.  That’s all.

Creepy Fleshbeard Craig surprises Nikki and Mandy at Mandy’s with an impromptu workout, while they’re discussing suburban life and travel and lovely things.  They get in a good, hard workout, which Nikki totally does without complaint (almost). (She sics the dog on Craig.)  What a lovely turn of events and attitude!

I have nothing funny to say here.  Sorry.

So, time for therapy.  I know you’ll want to discuss all the nuance of this, but I just can’t stand it.  The depth of the sex talk (pardon the pun) turns my stomach, so you’ll have to really pick it apart in the comments… if you must.

(First, though, we go over how well it went for Bryan and Mandy to have houseguests.  Everyone’s still alive, so it went well!)

Sex talk, in summary:  Nikki wants to buy lingerie when she’s smaller.  Bryan’s been having sex with the lights on and feeling better about it (and Miguel’s been more attracted, too).  Joe reveals that his masturbation’s been more fun now that he’s thinner, and that he’ll happily fuck a girl with the lights on, shirt off, in the future.  (But wait, can’t forget the jab he made about women’s insecurities in their bodies!  Thanks, Joe!)  Mandy’s been feeling better, too, and…oh god, her husband PAYS HER when she has orgasms.  What in the fucking fuck is that??!

Jackie specifically brings up Joe’s horrible game with women, and here’s actually where he reveals his “effective strategy” for getting laid, which is arriving at 1AM and picking up cute drunks.  All of the women, Bryan included, are horrified, and Joe’s like, “I don’t care.”  And then in an interview, he’s like, “Hey, I’m not trying to fuck one of you, so cool it.”  Um, you can be a dick to womankind without actually insulting me personally, Joe.  Just for your information. Oh, and then the rationale of the clueless:  “If you don’t like my sense of humor, don’t listen to me.”  People who lack self-awareness, empathy, and compassion really irk me.

Jackie tries, honestly and sincerely, to help Joe with this image problem by explaining that his cavalier joking and hurtful jokes hurt people and put people on the defensive.  She says it in a rational way, not to attack him, but to try to make him aware that his delivery is awful and he’s making people angry.  And then they interact with him poorly.  It’s a negative cycle, Joe.  Break it!

Weigh in!

• Bryan = lost 6 lbs!
• Jeana = lost 5 lbs!
• Joe = lost 2 lbs.
• Stacy = lost 5 lbs!
• Shay = lost 7 lbs!
• Mandy = lost 3 lbs!
• Nikki = lost 7 lbs!!

WOW!  See what not cheating does for ya? (Lesson learned for SexyPanda, who lost 3 lbs the week before but gained 2 lbs back.  Oh well!)

Next week?  They’re going away!  There’s a pool!  Craig calls out Joe for saying rude shit!  Jeana cries because Nikki is mean!  They paddle boats!  They get tempted with fried food! Come back!