Oh hai, everybody! It’s that time again–time to pants Jackie emotionally while bashing every moment of her ridiculous show. Let’s go!
Last week, Shay and Stacy were mega-pains-in-asses, but they both pushed through (a little bit) to be less of an embarrassment to themselves. Stacy went into the belly of the beast by dining with the Mean Girls (Nikki, Joe, and Bryan), and Shay called out Joe for bein’ a dick. The group shared childhood photos and talked about it. Ugh. Let’s talk about this week, shall we?
We kick it off with Jeana…and Kara! Yay! I always thought Jeana’s daughter was such a character on RHOOC, and here she is, all grown up. So pretty, too. Jeana and Kara are getting mani-pedis and talkin’ turkey (Jackie). Jeana feels like her endurance is getting so much better, and then she says, “Sure, it’s only been 6 or 7 lbs so far…” Kara does a virtual record scratch and asks if everyone else is only losing that much, too. Uh, no, your mom sucks, honey. Jeana explains the one-drink and one-cheat a week concept, but then says she doesn’t do the cheat meal, she just drinks. Kara is still “huh?” about someone saying they don’t cheat on their intense weight loss program but only losing a pound or two a week. Yeah, maybe you’re onto something.
“So, ingesting four martinis and several chickens a day is NOT on your plan?”
The sunny SoCal day turns dreary as everyone meets at a park for their basic training workout for the week. It’s actually raining a little bit. I’m no California girl, but I understand the rain is a bit rare, right? Bryan calls Jackie and Fleshbeard Craig “Herr Warner and Frau Ramsey” to their faces, which makes me smile. The joke wasn’t as funny that first week, but I appreciate the good-naturedness of it now. Joe is still rockin’ the strange fashions as he shows up in a red Karate Kid bandana and what looks to be a black leather jacket. I don’t get it. We’re not auditioning for West Side Story, we’re just working out.
Karate Kid, at your service
Oh, speaking of Joe, isn’t he a little sweetheart? He comments that he hopes the park doesn’t have a snack stand or else they’ll have a hard time keeping Shay, Stacy, and Nikki on task. Wow, what a supportive friend!
Jackie’s mess of a workout this week is this: Find your inner warrior, push through the pain, and…. run three miles around the park and swing around some kettlebells. Bryan jokes that his inner warrior’s name is Ethel.
Anyway, everyone’s somehow scared of the “running three miles” part of the workout, which baffles me. It’s not even three consecutive miles. No, they run one mile, then do kettlebells, then run another mile, then do kettlebells, and so on. Big whoop! The only thing is that they’re not permitted to stop. Run slower if you have to, but don’t stop.
Bryan and Joe take off first, having no trouble. Shay and Jeana even seem to be doing okay so far. Stacy’s running with her puppy-dog crush, Nikki. Both are wearing purple, and when the camera shows one woman’s big purple belly, you don’t know who it is. I think we’re meant to think the sweatpant knot is actually belly fat or something? Oh, Stacy, you and your boring jokes. “I don’t run. Unless there’s a sale.” Har har.
Mandy’s whining as she runs, and Jeana stops to stretch. “Don’t stop!,” Jackie screams from the starting line. Nikki not only slows to a walk but actually waddles over to the base camp, grabbing some water. She refuses to run any more. To her, these laps around the park are just torture and she won’t do it. “I have NO desire to do that!” Wow. I sometimes have no desire to do my workouts, but I get ‘em done. (Except tonight. It’s raining, and I was out late last night, and I have to write this recap. You understand.)
(Trying to come up with another Journey lyric with a “beer belly” substitution and failing.)
Jackie asks “How do I want this for you more than you do?” and Nikki has no answer. She says something about wanting it, “but not this way.” Jackie talks her into doing two more laps (she’s only done two so far–and nine equal one mile), and she’s off. Jackie shouts about believing in Nikki, and Nikki’s like, “Sigh, okay.”
After just one mile, Joe’s ankle is acting up. Pain’s goin’ all over his foot, and Jackie yanks him from the workout for the day. Joe, who actually WANTS to be doing the entire workout, is bummed. Bryan finishes up his one-mile run with little fanfare. To those who are annoyed that Jackie would dare expect obese people to do these awful workouts without being conditioned, don’t forget that they’ve already been working out for three weeks, and it was a ONE MILE JOG. Not a sprint, and not a half-marathon. A one-mile jog.
Nikki’s still grumbling hardcore about all this running (again, she’s barely done a half-mile). Jackie negotiates with her to have her only run half of what is expected–or even less! (Four laps the second time around, then just two laps for that final mile that everyone else will be running!) Jackie and Craig bitch about her behind her back.
Now Joe’s sitting it out while they all hoist kettlebells. Why can’t he do it, too? He can adjust his stance and be fine, I’d think. He’s really going to just sit there in the grass like a turd? Wow. Anyway, all done for now, and they’re off for their second set of nine laps (four for Nikki).
Oh, but Nikki doesn’t like running in the rain (it’s coming down for reals now), so she stops and heads back to get her umbrella. Joe is sitting there in the grass, in the rain, with an ice pack on his leg, but, no, Nikki can’t run in it. She’s worried about getting sick. If anyone’s getting sick, it’s the guy sitting in the rain in the grass. In the end, Nikki gets the umbrella and the lip gloss and whines and pouts and doesn’t run. What a pain in the ass.
Jackie and Craig AGAIN bitch about her to themselves, calling her a toddler who’s doing this acting out as a way to get attention. That’s probably true to some extent. I still wonder what Jackie’s doing so wrong to completely lose Nikki’s willingness to work, and really, her respect. I’m thinking of some of the trainers at my gym and how scared I’d be to not do what they ask, let alone rebel outright. And in front of other people!
Meanwhile, Jeana and Mandy and Shay are still jogging verrrrry slowly in the rain. Good for them. (PUT YOUR HAIR IN A PONYTAIL, MANDY. GOD.) Jackie tries again with Nikki, asking if it’s JUST the rain that’s cramping Nikki’s style. Yep, it’s just the rain. So, Jackie urges her to run with the umbrella. Nikki looks agog at the idea, but she goes for it! And she’s off, running with a golf umbrella, worrying that she looks like a nutter. Don’t worry, Nikki, you do.
Jeana’s actually not doing things right, stopping to walk every time Jackie turns her back. Everyone (but Jackie) notices. Bryan accuses her of mall-walking, and Stacy shouts at her, too. Well, this is fun and supportive. And I’m getting tired of talking about people jogging slowly in the rain, so if it’s okay, I’m going to move on. (Wait, not before I comment on how Craig is holding the umbrella over Nikki as she does her kettlebell routine. Are you kidding??) (Wait, and then Nikki actually gets into a zone on her last lap of her last jog, so she goes out for an “extra” one. Nevermind that her original assignment of NINE was cut down to TWO in the first place.)
Finally, this dreadfully boring workout is over. The awful mis-matched voiceover kicks in as Jackie praises the group for accessing their inner warriors (ugh), but calls out Jeana and Nikki for their flops. Her next teaching point will be at the grocery store later, because Jackie knows these people need help choosing the right kinds of foods to eat. For now, though, they’re expected to make “loving” food choices for today, to refuel from this grueling, mad-cap workout. (<–sarcasm)
After the workout, Nikki and Bryan head off to the vodka spa for a massage. (Voda is a brand name of vodka, isn’t it?) Nikki and her dump-like-a-truck badonk (that’s a verb I just made up) back into the massage room, ready to be rid of all that lactic acid that came from jogging less than a mile while carrying an umbrella. The horror. I once did a triathlon that ended up being shut down halfway through due to massive thunderstorms. I finished, even though I was dodging falling branches and running through ankle-deep rainwater run-off. I’m not exaggerating. Therefore, I have no sympathy for anything these nerds are doing.
Oh Nikki, you’re so un-PC. First Bryan jokes to the receptionist about joining them in a threesome, and then Nikki alerts us to when “a couple of queers” have walked in the room (AKA the masseuses). Nice. Bryan takes this relaxing moment as the time to call Nikki out for being a priss, not wanting to run in the rain. Is it just me, or does Nikki’s voice really hit a “fuck you” level in your head when she whines about how it’s RAINING? Like a dog whistle? I like her, but something about that tone just sets me off. It’s awful. Anyway, since Bryan and Nikki are captive audiences while under the spell of the massage, Nikki expresses her annoyance with Bryan by turning her head for two seconds, then turning back to say it was all better, and had he adjusted his attitude? Okay, she’s funny. Still, dog whistle.
We check in for a few seconds with a couple of our friends as the next day dawns. Bryan’s hungry and wants to eat, but he won’t and does crunches instead. They show the same stock footage of Joe’s house with his SUV parked half on the lawn, then show him texting Jackie with the exact contents of his breakfast. He’s cocky about knowing the weight-loss formula pretty well: eat this, do that, and that’s it. Okay, then DO it, Hamburglar.
Grocery store time! Jeana’s first and she looks befuddled. She’s not much of a grocery store frequenter, really. (To which I say, “WOW.” It really is different when you have money.) Joe shows up with one of the child-sized carts that has the “Customer in Training” flag on it. Har har. Oh, Bryan one-ups him by arriving on one of the motorized carts, complete with an old man jeff-cap!
“No martinis or whole chickens.”
Jackie takes this opportunity to lecture the group on food intake and lying about said food intake. Like, she’s receiving texts about protein shakes and apples, but she thinks she shouldn’t be seeing such paltry weight-loss numbers if that were true. I have trouble following this leap of logic, but that’s apparently why they’re here, to learn how to choose the right foods. But wait, is the issue lying about what they’re eating? Or is it choosing wrong foods? I’m confused. Also, how about some information about PORTION CONTROL. That is at least half of the diet battle right there. Believe me.
So, Jackie makes the group head off into the store and put stuff in their cart that they have questions about. Presumably, they’ll bring it all back and Jackie will answer their questions. Why not just have them go get what they’d normally get and then check their cart? Again, I’m confused.
Jackie starts checking in. Mandy gets a “fail” for choosing pancake batter in an aerosol can. “But it’s only 5 grams of fat.” Eyeroll! Shay gets a fail for choosing cereal as a snack, because everyone knows that she SHOULD be eating lean protein instead. Jeana gets a fail for choosing a pre-cut shrink-wrapped fruit cup instead of choosing whole fruits and cutting them herself. Bryan whines about his sweet tooth, and Jackie tells him to pick up some fruit. (Bryan’s also got some Vagisil in his cart: “I’ve been very itchy lately.” Fun!)
You (and Joe) thought Nikki would be a big fail at this too, right? Wrong. Jackie picks through her cart and finds nothing but smart choices. Whole grain bread, lemons (“for your vodka?” “yep”), tomato, white fish, and avocado. Sounds good! And Jackie says she can eat an avocado every day. WHOA. I was allowed 1/8th of an avocado when I was losing weight. One whole one would be sinful! I have one on my counter right now. I might have to make that happen.
Time soon for Jeana’s big confrontation. See, she knows she’s supposed to eat clean, but her girlfriends want to drink champagne at the yacht and have a yummy night of eating! Jeana’s got no willpower, so she’s all in. A group of cougars clinks glasses and cheers to their sexual health. I can’t believe I wrote that sentence, and I can’t believe it’s all true.
Jackie’s comin’ to hunt her down, though. She calls BMW driver assistance to get navigation to the yacht club for the upcomin’ ass-whoopin’. I wonder how much BMW and the yacht company paid for this kind of product placement. Jackie could not have said the yacht company’s name more clearly. Ugh.
Uh oh! (She actually looks scared f’real.)
As Jeana’s shoveling a coconut-fried shrimp into her lip-glossed and alcohol-bloated face, in up-close and personal focus, Jackie strides in. Oh shit. The other women look reaaaaally nervous. Well, so does Jeana. She introduces Jackie around the table, stopping with a friend of hers who’d lost 100 lbs. Jackie’s very interested in how the friend lost so much weight and urges her to get on Jeana’s shit, too. Jeana just blinks.
Jeana and Jackie head down to the dock to talk. It’s a boring pep-talk that includes all the usual shit about motivation, digging deep, getting the work done, yadda yadda. Then there’s what we’ve already seen a hundred times in commercials about Jeana not being happy with herself. Tears. Whatever. Oh, and Jackie thinks Jeana needs to meditate. Like, take 30 minutes each day alone to reflect. Jeana jokes that if she had to spend 30 minutes alone, reflecting, she’d kill herself. Whoa, that’s actually kinda…scary. I mean, it’s hyperbole, but in a way, it’s not. By the way, Jackie looks awful here. She really needs to keep her hair straightened and be careful with the peach eyeshadow. Yep, I’m keepin’ it real. Suicide talk and bad eyeshadow.
(God, this show. It’s weeks like these that I wish I’d not allowed your ass-kissing to work on me, that I wish I’d just quit like God intended! Sigh. We have 30 minutes to go.)
It’s the next day! Everyone meets up at the fire academy. A line of gruff-looking firemen stand before a controlled fire, and our friends all make bad jokes about the situation. Bryan thinks all the guys are hot. So do the single ladies. Ah, but Joe, our lovely misogynist wet blanket quips that hot firemen don’t fuck lazy fat chicks. How much do you want to bet Joe’s mom or sister is shaped like Stacy or Shay? Man, I love speculating about the horror in this guy’s background. Seriously, he can be MEAN.
So, if you haven’t already guessed, today’s challenge is something fireman related. The gang suits up in fireman suits. They weigh 20 lbs and smell of the sweat of all the heroes before. Stacy’s pants won’t fit, so they have to get her a bigger pair. Joe’s ankle is still a concern, but he’s okay if he runs in sneakers instead of boots. He also mockingly hits on Jackie. Sorry, she ain’t goin’ for it like she would with her safe bear, Bryan.
Jackie refuses to take the stupid hat off the whole time. Ugh.
So, the challenge? Run up the stairs in the fire gear. Ring the bell. Run down. Bounce a medicine ball against the ground. Use a sledgehammer to move some big thing from one end of something to another. Drag a 160-lb human dummy (not Nikki, *rimshot*) around. Nothing exciting here–they all get it done.
But wait. Bryan has a heart attack. Just kidding! He has some kind of pain in his chest while wildly swinging a heavy sledgehammer against a 50-lb sled while wearing 20-lbs of fireman gear in direct sunlight. It might be a heart attack, but it might be a pulled muscle. Bravo milks the drama, of course, but in the end, it’s just a pulled muscle. (I’m guessing it might even be an intercostal cartilege pull. See, that’s my psych and english degrees at work, right there. I should hang up my shingle, huh?)
Remember the Seinfeld belly episode? “Helloooooo!”
Nikki and someone are dragging a dummy around, and Nikki jokes, “Let the bitch burn.” HA! Then Shay and someone are dragging a dummy, and Shay experiences a knee injury. Jesus Christ, is anyone still healthy and whole in this group? It’s saying something when Jeana, Mandy, and Stacy are the three healthiest ones. Wait, spoke too soon. Stacy gets overheated and gets woozy. She lays back for all of 20 seconds and then pops back up to work out. Oh, acting.
More drama that I can’t stand to talk too much about, which is Nikki sneaking away from the group. She’s behind a firetruck, using its reflective surfaces to apply her lip gloss. Oh lord. Then she says she was just taking a water break and gives Jackie shit for coming down on her for needing water on a blistering hot day. Nikki shouts at Jackie, “Stop talking to me like that, Mister!” I totally LOL, both Monday night and again while rewatching for my recapping duties. Craig gets his panties in a bunch, though, about how Nikki is disrespecting Jackie, wah wah wah.
Jackie has another heart to heart with Nikki. Ugh, this is annoying. The group natters about it while it’s going on. Joe wants Nikki to be “fired”. He hates that she’s getting all this attention. But the group knows that Nikki needs them to keep her on track. Whatever.
So now there’s a final challenge within the challenge, to sprint somewhere or another. The two winners get to play with firehoses (heyoo!). Joe can’t do it, due to his ankle. Mandy and Jeana win it, actually. Nikki wanted to, though, and is cursing Jeana out as she runs. What a character. So then Jeana and Mandy put out the fire that’s been raging behind them all this time. Yay.
Bryan heads home, thoroughly embarrassed about his need for medical assistance at the challenge. Since he was told he couldn’t continue the challenge, he’s just going to work out on his own. That’s the spirit! His cute Weimaraner greets him at the door.
Jeana, meanwhile, is trying to meditate. Jeana hates it. She sits in a robe in front of a fire, trying to sit quietly, trying to read a magazine. She’s drumming her fingers, sighing heavily. It’s not for her. Oh, and that, kids, was the patented Bravo “We’re Back! No, We’re Not!” spot for this week!
I barely recognize Mandy as she weighs her clothing in the bathroom (to get a good weigh-in, natch). Why? Because her hair is in a ponytail! HOLY SHIT. So she knows how to do it. Why doesn’t she normally? Ugh, it really drives me nuts.
Ugh, more of the Jackie and Nikki show. We’re supposed to be doing stupid group therapy and weigh in, dammit! Jackie walks right into Nikki’s house again–you’d think she’d learn to lock the door. Nikki’s doing makeup–that is, until Jackie tells her to get dressed for a hike. Blah blah blah, hike and talk. They talk about how Nikki doesn’t want to push through pain, blah blah blah. Honestly, I’ve watched this part three times now and still can’t pay attention to it. All I hear at the end is Nikki promising to cut out alcohol for one week.
Joe’s getting ready for weigh in, bragging about how he’s seeing results. I laugh at the editors, because we’re watching a shirtless Joe and his In-and-Out Burger belly pick out a slim-fitting sweater for the day. Oh, and Joe can’t wait to use therapy as a good time to bring up Jackie’s favoritism of Nikki. Oh joy.
FINALLY, therapy. Jackie notes all the injuries in the room. Shay and her HORRID hair (i mean, whoa) talk about her ankle, saying the doctor told her to keep it “levitated”. Second LOL of the night. Wow, she needs college, BADLY.
Dr. Whatever asks about the inner warrior theme for the week. Bryan’s all over it, feeling good about himself for the week. Jeana seems to be on a confident streak, speaking of how Jackie’s helping her figure out how to fight her battles. Stacy clearly just wants to bitch, because she pipes in with “C’mon. That’s bullshit. You skipped laps!” Jeana’s face barely registers an emotion at this outburst. Talk about detachment! The others bicker about Jeana’s performance and she just sits there. Stoic. Jackie does call her out for eatin’ crap and drinkin’ on the yacht.
Then Joe has his chance! “Why are you so lenient with Nikki?” Nikki gets defensive, when really, it should be Jackie. And Jackie, to her credit, admits that she has devoted more attention to Nikki because Nikki is a distraction, etc. Well, first she tries to say that each person needs different attention, which is true and which is also a bullshit answer.
But shit gets real for a second. Jackie admits that she’s considered kicking Nikki off the program, since she’s not fully “present” at the workouts, she’s not following rules when on her own, and she’s not ready to make this big change that she needs to make. Nikki looks soberly (for once) at Jackie as she speaks. Bryan chimes in to say he thinks Nikki doesn’t know how to ask for help. He does this to defend Nikki, and she agrees. Dr. Whatever asserts to Nikki that habits are fully within her control and decision-making, so she needs to decide not to drink, to not eat the bad foods, to keep going when it hurts. Nikki nods.
Okay, enough of that, get these assholes on the scale.
Jeana = 2 lbs (Jeana wants to blame muscle weight. HA!!!!!!)
Bryan = 3 lbs
Nikki = 2 lbs
Shay = 1 lb
Mandy = 3 lbs
Joe = 0 lbs (He attributes it to muscle mass, and I shake my head.)
Stacy = 0 lbs
Time for the lecture. Jackie tells the group that, in general, everyone was eating about 3000 calories a day pre-program. Now they’re on 1300-1500 calories a day AND they’re burning (she estimates) 1000-2000 calories extra per week. Since a pound is 3500 calories, they should all be losing more than 1-2 lbs a week. When I first watched, I thought she estimated they were burning 1000 calories a DAY, and I thought she was insane to limit their calories that low if they’re working out that much. But, upon rewatching, I think it’s safe. BUT, it’s safe for losing 1 to 2 lbs per week!! Not more!
I’m trying to understand the end of this speech. Jackie’s upset that they’re not losing 5 lbs a week. But not because she wants them to be skinny minnies, but because she thinks that losing 5 lbs a week is the only way to stay motivated to keep losing weight. Hang on. This is incredibly flawed thinking. Sure, you could crash diet and lose it all super fast, but then you give up and go back to your normal ways and gain it back! Better to lose it slowly and really learn/practice the new ways of life. THAT works. I’m proof. You just need to adjust your mindset to the slow and steady approach. (For me, every time I lost 5 lbs, I’d do a countdown and say, “Okay, SexyP, just do that 15 more times! 14 more times! 13 more times!” It worked!)
Next week: it’s the lie detector. Bryan screams in Jackie’s face during a workout. (I think she’s checking to make sure he’s okay, and he’s tired of being told to stop working out when things hurt.) So the question is, are all the people going to be given the lie detector test, or just the suspected cheaters??
What’d you think this week? Me, I’m kinda back to hating the show.