This week on Glee I learned the hard way it wasn’t a good idea to do a shot every time they say “Madonna.”

Sue Sylvester cracks her open her journal and scribbles out “how just saying the word Madonna makes her feel powerful.” Even in her voiceover. (LOVE the Meta!) Next thing you know, she’s throws Madonna’s greatest hits in Figgin’s face and insists they play the CD everyday over the loudspeaker at an “earsplitting volume.” Figgins’ contests playing Madonna’s “delicious hopes” would make it difficult for the kids to concentrate. Okay, hold up. As yummy as the phrase “delicious hopes” sounds, it doesn’t feel very Figgins to me. But maybe his character is freakier than I realize. He DOES try to man up and deny Sue’s request but she, of course, gets her way with the morning after blackmail CUT TO. Complete with “Justify My Love,” in the background.Sue’s first Madonna assignment for the Cheerios? Date a younger man. She also informs them,”a la Madonna,” they will no longer need their last names. Becky Johnson, a Cheerio with Down Syndrome, who Sue has a big soft spot for, is now just Becky. Becky claps excitedly.

Becky is my favorite cheerio. Right after Brittany.

The ladies of glee are hangin’ out and hey, did you know that Quinn is an artist in addition to being former Cheerio Captain, pregnant, and in the glee club?

Rachel hits up the gals for a “theoretical “private talk. FLASHBACK to a few nights ago where Jesse tells Rachel they should totally dbo it. Jesse says it’s no big deal, to which Rachel sighs, “For a girl it is.” CUE Madonna’s “Do You Know What It Feels Like For a Girl.” No? Not really? Fine… Although, I could swear they had a reconstructed version of that song playing in the background…

Back at the girly talk, Rachel wants to know what to do when your hypothetical boyfriend gets mad when one says “no” to doing it. The Cheerios confess they just say “yes,” and Mercedes wishes she had such a problem, recently having a crush on Kurt, the “Mayor of Gay Town.” (Where is this Gay Town, Mercedes? Do you have to take a Ferry to get there?) Tina tells the girls to just accept that boys don’t care about their feelings. CUT TO Artie complaining to Tina about her out of date Goth look. Which, Artie, I totally understand. However, if Tina did change her look; One, New Directions would be a less accurate representation of an actual glee club/drama club. (In my experience, there is usually more black eye liner than not in these settings… Although, I will never be a stickler like that. Gross…) And two, Tina would change, for a boy. Not happening. Especially in the Madonna episode.

Schue, who’s been ease dropping on their conversation, but not in a creepy way, asks the girls if the boys are really acting as they claim. Quinn tells Shue that he wouldn’t understand cause he’s not a girl. Okay NOW CUE “What it Feels Like For Girl?” No? Not yet? Sheesh… Shue suggests they talk to Ms Pillsbury, who, being a virgin herself, isn’t able to be very helpful. After a sad but true “women still make less money than men” stat from Quinn, Shue decides what he’s going to address in this episode; “Teenage girls feeling like they have no power.” Accordingly, he and Emma decide to team up and make the girls feel more confident in them selves.

On the way back from Emma’s office, Shue pokes his head in the gym for a Cheerio practice. Cue Madonna’s “Ray of Light.,” and slap some stilts on, cause this one is so over the top it inspires Shue to channel the power of Madonna to help the girls in glee club. One of my fav Cheerios routines yet, unfortunately paired with my least fav Madonna song. Of course, Sue wasn’t satisfied with the “sloppy freak show babies” performance. And somehow I knew the overplayed “Somewhere in the English countryside Madonna is weeping” line would come from this scene… BTW, before I get to the “Shue takes a cue from Sylvester and writes “Madonna” on the glee club white board” transition, I wanna quickly show you the super quick CUT TO of the Cheerios stretching WITH stilts.

P.S. You thought I would move on to the next scene without acknowledging Sue’s “You think this is hard? I’m passing a gallstone as we speak!” How dare you…

Anyway, Shue is at it again with his helpful diagrams and gives the glee clubbers their homework; Sing a Madonna number.

The girls are stoked. The guys are not. Schue goes into his “you haven’t’ been treating the ladies very nicely” lecture and uses the word “misogynistic.” Finn doesn’t know what that means. Britt helps him out with a “When I pulled my hamstring I went to the MASSAGEanist.” Shue corrects her and explains it means that they boys are to “put yourselves in their shoes for a change.” Cue Madonna’s “What it Feels Like for a Girl.” No? Not YET? Okay… Kurt can hardly contain himself and volunteers to do a multimedia project along with Mercedes. It seems everyone is on board until Puck refers to himself as “Puckzilla,” (Blech!) and says he doesn’t think Madonna translates to show choir.

Rachel and the girls disagree with an “Express Yourself” sing and dance. Which, I was seriously diggin’. Mercedes, you owned that shit. Oh, that reminds me. Since this IS the Madonna episode I’ve decided to “express MYself” without having to be so careful about editing my bad word thoughts…

At the lockers, Santana and Brittany are putting on lipstick to the only song that one should ever apply lipstick to, “Burning Up.” A Madonnafied Britt is dating a really hot seven year old and suggests that Santana go after Finn AND his virginity. He is after all a few months younger than her…

“Finnocence” is reluctant to accept despite Santana’s charm, I say sarcastically in my own head. And anyway, Finn says he has feelings for someone else. Santana informs Finn that someone else, aka Rachel, is not only still dating Jesse St. James, but that things are getting real hot and heavy lately.

Emma asks Sue to visit her office, which, is the only room in the high school not blasting Madonna. Sue explains that Emma doesn’t “deserve the power of Madonna” as she, in a shining example of a Sue Sylvester zinger, “has all the sexuality of one of those pandas at the zoo who refuse to mate.”

In glee club, Finn busts Rachel about lying to him in regards to Jesse. Still, he agrees to keep it on the down low for Rachel unless of course their relationship interferes with glee…

Onto the anticipated Madonna mash-up, Rachel and Finn take a tour of the school as they sing “Borderline/Open Your Heart” to each other. Rachel starts things off with her captivating look at me sing signature move. You know that move she does where she moves forward then backwards then forward again, usually while holding onto something or clutching onto some imaginary pearls. I wish I could put it in an animated giff but I can’t so you’ll have to use your animagination.

On their magical Madonna mash-up tour of the school, we come across all sorts of Madonnas. My favorite? The “Open Your Heart” Madonna look-a-likes. (Not to be confused with the less popular “Amish Madonna.”) But I’m a dikey tom boy, so naturally, that’s my fav.

Finn and Rachel end their romp in what seems like a musical orgasm, to which Rachel delivers a winded “That was good.” Finn says, “totally.”

Shue checks in with Kurt and Mercedes about their homework, to which Mercedes replies, “you know how Madonna kinda reinvented the video, right? Well, we got Artie in the AV club to help out and we’re gonna make a Madonna video of our own.” Okay, I can’t take it anymore! I get it. Madonna is great. I’ve always thought that, but you can only cram so much Maddonadulation down my throat before I start to choke. I’m sure they sent her the episode in an effort to butter her up or something so that she would approve use of her catalogue but JEEEEZ, enough already…

Anyway, Kurt makes another Madonna joke not worth talking about when Sue dishes up her disapproval of the glee club’s use of Madonna, with a side of Will Shuester hair bashing. Shue stands up for himself though cause Sue ain’t got nothin’ on him, so of course he doesn’t have to submit. To top it off, he makes fun of HER hair by inquiring “how the Florence Henderson look is working out.” See below for a play by play of Sue’s reaction:

Right about now I’m wondering why the material girl’s “Frozen” is playing in the background but my question is answered with the lyrics “give yourself to me” as Finn approaches Santana. He’s decided to accept her offer so he can remove the “Big V” from his forehead. Or shall I say, foreskin… (That’s gross and not even that funny, but I’m keeping in in here anyway in case someone thinks otherwise.)

A knock from Kurt and Mercedes on a pensive Sue Sylvester’s door leads into a childhood story told by Sue wherein she reveals her insecurity about her hair do. She admits the only reason she picks on Shue’s hair is because she’s jealous. Kurt offers their help in exchange for use of the Cheerios in their Madonna video homework.

BRILLIANT. And true. Pretty much.

Jesse and Rachel meet up in the Stephen Sondheim biography section of the library for a secret rendezvous. They both have something to say to each other. Jesse goes first and apologizes for being so pushy and promises to wait as long as it takes. It seemed Rachel was planning to break things off all together but instead tells Jesse she’s ready. They hug and Jesse gives a non-malicious smile. Hmmmmm…

Inspired by Madonna, Emma decides to “do the nasty” with Will later that night. 7:30 sharp… Will gives a fist pump, naturally.

In the AV room, the AV nerds tape Sue’s “Vogue” video… Guys, I gotta admit, I like it a lot more this week now that I’m seeing this in context. It’s much easier to swallow that Sue would do something like this. In fact, now I’m finding this video pretty darn endearing. Although, I still wanna see her sing within an emotion that’s a little more on par with Sue Sylvester.

Now we’re onto my favorite part of the episode and dare I say, my favorite four minutes of Glee so far. (Sorry, cattyfan. It looks like they decided to take the literal route. PottyMouth, glad I didn’t take that bet!) It’s a trio of virginity losing, as Emma/Will, Santana/Finn and Jesse/Rachel sing “Like a Virgin.” I would like to take this moment and thank the writers of Glee for this scene. It made me positively giddy. And it’s really hard for television to do that.

Speaking of firsts, I believe this scene gives us Santana’s very first riff and Emma sings for the first time, ever. Yes? Forgive me if I’m wrong, fellow gleeks. I’m not the sharpest singer in the choir. But, at least I’m not the flattest…

Back at the lockers, Kurt and Mercedes are congratulating themselves on their successful video project and wonder which look Sue decided on. I was betting on the “Open Your Heart” Madonna but we learn in Principle Figgin’s office it’s the Blonde Ambition Madonna.

Figgins tells Sue she’s already a powerful woman and she doesn’t need her torpedo boobs, which is why, back at the lockers, Sue tells Kurt and Mercedes she’s going to reinvent everybody else rather than herself, starting with them.

A concerned glance between Kurt and Mercedes transitions into Finn asking about Rachel’s date with Jesse on Friday in glee. Rachel tells Finn she doesn’t understand why she was so nervous in the first place. But, CUTTING BACK to that Friday reveals Jesse asking Rachel to come out of the bathroom “so they can at talk about it. Or at least sing.” Thank you for that one, too, Glee writers… Rachel comes out of the bathroom and tells Jesse she’s just not ready and it wouldn’t be right for, dot dot dot, the team. “It would be like sleeping with the enemy.” Plus, she’s realized she’s just not ready.

Back at glee, Rachel asks Finn about HIS date with Santana. He tells Rachel nothing happened but a cut back to HIS Friday night shows a Finn and Santana sitting up in bed, sans virginity… Santana asks him how he feels and he says “he doesn’t feel anything cause it didn’t mean anything.”

Completing the virginity loss couple trio triangle, Emma shows up at Will’s office with an apology for running off right before they were gonna do the dirty. Will says he shouldn’t have agreed to the whole thing in the first place until his divorce is final, and that he should act the same way he’s asking his boys to act. And also, while they’re waiting for his divorce to finalize, he gives Emma a card to a counselor who will help her with her problems. (Wonder who THAT’s gonna be??? No seriously. I don’t have any ideas. I’m just curious.) Emma walks out touched by Will’s efforts and a one Jesse St. James knocks on the door of Shue’s office…

In glee, Finn is outraged that Jesse is now part of the team. Kurt and Mercedes are too, upset that glee is competitive enough without him. Santana chimes in with a “he’s totally a spy, I would know.” And good ol’ Brittany wants to know if Jesse is Shue’s son.

Rachel asks Jesse why he’s doing this and in front of everyone Jesse tells her he’d rather be with her than win another national title. He’s left Vocal Adrenaline for HER. Uh oh, Rach. Looks like the sleeping with the enemy excuse is out the window.

Speaking of sleeping with the enemy, a Cheerios “4 minutes” spectacle reveals that Kurt and Mercedes have been added as vocal talent to the roster.

Will asks Sue and the turncoats for the why and they explain they just weren’t getting enough stage time in New Directions. So they’re gonna do both.

In glee, the guys FINALLY sing “What It Feels Like for a Girl.” Which I totally called earlier… Hey, I gotta ask, does the Asian guy bug anyone else? I LOVE his dancing skills but he’s just a little too smiley or something… I don’t know… I’m sure it would make a difference if we got to know him, and the black guy too, while we’re at it. It’s so much more fun to watch the girls now that I’ve gotten to know Brittany and Santana a little more, ya know? No? Fine. I’ve got another unsolicited two cents for ya-

On a non-Glee note, in my humble opinion, “What It Feels Like for a Girl” is Madonna’s most underrated song. Don’t worry, I won’t bore you with why, just know I love this song… But I digress, the guys finish up the song and Puck still thinks the whole thing is lame. Schue reminds the guys they’ve been mistreating the girls and everyone agrees. Puck still refuses to sing Madonna’s underrated song but Finn says they don’t have to. They just have to somehow make up to the girls for being jerks.

They do. Artie apologizes to Tina. Finn apologizes to Rachel and admits that he really liked her but he blew it. Rachel repeats the “you really liked me” with a look of realization in her eyes… Jesse shows up and challenges Finn to a sing off in the parking lot. Finn submits with a handshake and tells Jesse he was tired of carrying the male vocals anyway. Finn asks Jesse to walk with him to the auditorium to go over the new Madonna number Finn put together.

The Madonna episode of Glee comes to a close all too soon with “Like a Prayer.” Kurt’s gay angel high-pitched mini-solo was wonderful. Even my dog thought so. I’m not even joking, her ears twitched toward the TV. Although it was Mercedes that caught the attention of MY ears. She might have complained earlier in the episode about only being brought out at the end to wail on a song but man can she EVER. My favorite voice on the show, no question.

And unless there aren’t other non-questions, this Gleecap has finally come to its end… As a bonus, here’s a screenshot of my favorite Madonna moment, outside of Glee, “Vogue-ing it up at the MTv music awards.” Thanks to Flavorwire for reminding me!

Thanks a million for sticking with me, guys. Talk at ya next week.

Yours and everyone else’s,

BirschTalk