A Shot At Love II With Tila Tequila: Glitter Loses Her Sparkle

Hi Gasmii! I wanted to start this week’s A SHOT AT LOVE II recap with some musings on our favorite bobbleheaded bisexual. Recently, Tila’s been getting some seirous exposure. Entertainment Weekly did a spread on her a couple of weeks ago and in the newest issue, they make mention of her once again in a story covering older women. EW writes, “In the Sex and the City movie, Sarah Jessica Parker and Co. prove that fashion, fancy cocktails, and wanton sex are not merely the province of the Tila Tequila generation…” To which this recapper says “wow.” I mean, I wasn’t sure how much she had even reached the cultural zeitgeist, but now, to find out I’m a part of the Tila Tequila generation (I can only assume as I’m days away from turning 25), simply raises one question for me: how do I get out?

There is no getting out. We’re doomed.

This week on the show, everyone is stunned that Sirbrina was ejected. She was the hottest girl left and Tila seemed to be digging her. Luckily, there is another retarded challenge laced with sexual innuendo to distract them. When the house picks up their message-in-a-bottle to read what embarrasments await them, they notice wrestling singlets. “It’s been a tough few week. We’ve all been wrestling with our feelings. So let’s sweeten things up. Meet me at the Cherry Pit.” Apparently that means clitoris. I suppose the ladies of the world need a nice word for a vagina as opposed to hatchet wound or meat curtains.

Meet me at the Ninja Slipper sounds a little aggressive.

Basically, the challenge is for everyone is wrestling in a huge bowl of jelly. Real creative. Tila selects two captains – Glitter and Scotty – to pick teams “playground style.” Scotty goes with George, Christy, and Brittany. Glitter picks Lisa, Jay, and Bo, who can’t compete because of his injury (she says she felt bad). She’s a stripper, not a scholar, folks.

Thank god her job is to take off her clothes for money.

Tila brings in a referee, who’s Pierre “The Beast” Vachon from NWA Wrestling. Glitter says that she was scared and wanted to run away, and laughs maniacally for the second time in 30 seconds. Lisa, meanwhile kills Christy right off the bat for the first match. Tila admits to the camera later, however, that she felt bad because “we all know by now that Lisa is a beast.”

Looks like Pierre Vachon’s got some serious competition.

Scotty and Jay fought next and Jay beat him down easily. It’s a good thing they wrestled in yogurt because now that Sirbrina’s gone, Scotty’s the prettiest girl in the house. Jay, of course, credits “Jersey” for the win. Glitter and Brittany fought next, and with Glitter’s team up 2-0, Brittany needed a big win. The fight starts with Brittany hanging on Glitter’s back. Glitter falls down backwards, giving her the point. Brittany then goes for the legs, but Glitter, Brittany notes, uses some hardcore stripper moves and tosses her to the side.

Meth-raged strippers have been known to break bottles over heads or worse.

George is upset because he didn’t even get a chance to go out there, and of course, begins to choke up on camera. Seriously, George you need to get a hold of yourself man. Pull the needle out of your ass – that shit makes a man grow bitchtits and cry like a reality dating show contestant.

Oh wait.

Sorry for that incredibly lame meta joke. On to the winning team’s date! They get to go on a “sweet candy land date” with Tila that, she explains, “Is a sweet, fantasy world of candy.” In other words, they imported a Sweet Factory (that store might be a southeast thing, so apologies if it is – in NYC it’s comparable to Dillon’s) and sprinkled in some booze and sluts. Tila, of course, uses the food as an opportunity to act like a ho, letting Glitter lick chocolate off her fingers and shoving whipped cream down Jay’s throat.

“This reminds me of Chad.” (tear)

I feel bad for poor Bo. He’s sitting around acting like an old man. When we see them goofing around in there Tila sits on his lap and he acts like he doesn’t know what to do with her, and he very intently licks a lollipop like crazy. Glitter, meanwhile, is acting like the spry lady of the night that she is and wants to take Tila aside to seduce her. Jay, looks on, trying to hide his true sexual orientation by saying, “sweet” all while eating a banana.

Mixed Messages.

Tila then focuses some attention on Grandpa Bobo and is nursing him by slobbering his ear with ghonorrhea. Jay, however, interrupts them by riding an inplace ice cream machine and ringing a bell, all while shouting “Ice cream! Ice cream!” Bo isn’t too happy about it, and Tila comments to the camera that it was kind of annoying, but she nonetheless amuses Jay and joins him on the bicycle to nowhere.

Hop on! It’s headed to the same place my life is going!

After the winning team’s turn is over, Tila brings in the losers. She baits them by saying to raise hell on the candy shop, knowing that leaving a room full of candy with adderall addicts and permission to go nuts would making something of a mess. Our favorite steroided baby notes that he’s being turned into a “George Sunday” as everyone covers him with chocolate and sprinkles, but coincidentally, that also happens to be his gay porn “handle.”

Peter Berlin, eat your heart out. (I had to google “gay porn star” to find that, which will totally sound like an excuse if anyone ever sees my google history).

Tila then pulls the switch and makes them all clean it up. There is a caveat, however – they all have to do it chained together. Don’t you just love how team-building exercises made for business retreats have turned into reality television? Anyways, there wasn’t enough sexual innuendo in this candy shop bit (is there ever on this show?), so Tila rolls out with a table full of cherry pies. Each player has to dig through their cherry pie to find their key to the chains.

Much like Kristy’s ex girlfriends, the pie was scrumptious and unsanitary.

Tila’s really pulling lots of gotcha’s this week, however. After all the other contestants found keys, Kristy was left still looking. Tila then told everyone that it was time to go, but Kristy said she didn’t have her key yet so she couldn’t go anywhere. Tila playfully tells her that she’s gonna have to stay, only to surprise her with some alone time. It’s here where I started to notice that whenever Tila has “alone time” with someone, it’s always the same shit. Typically the script goes:

“Gosh, it stinks I don’t get to spend as much time with you as I’d like.”

“Yeah it does. Let’s hook up”

The next day a new message in a bottle tells the houseguests, similarly to last year, that they have to tell Tila what they really think about each other. They basically hold up signs that say Stay or Go, and Tila marches them up in front of everyone for the vote. It’s essentially designed to create conflict. The first person up is Scotty. Everyone says he should stay except Jay and Lisa. Lisa feels that Tila is complex and Scotty wouldn’t be able to handle it. “I just don’t see it happening.”

She says, hockin a loogie and scratching her balls.

Tila then asks for Glitter’s opinion and she starts having a nervous breakdown. She says that she doesn’t judge anyone and “she’s not going to be someone she’s not.” I kind of respect her for it, but at the same time she’s a ditzy, crazy eyed stripper so she has no place to judge. Tila says it frustrated her because she’s just trying to figure out who’s best for her and she needs everyone’s help. Well, that and to make somebody cry.

Mission Accomplished.

Glitter then goes up to hear everyone’s opinon about her. Everyone says that she should go except Lisa, who likes to stare at that hot ass while it fetches her a beer. Brittany says that she voted for her to go because Tila needs somebody “stable.” Glitter then responds by breaking down like a crazy person and telling Tila that “No one can love you like I can.”

And by “love” she means “annoy”.

Tila then calls Jay up who gets the guys saying he should leave and the girls reluctantly saying he should stay. Tila asks Bo why Jay should leave and Bo says that he doesn’t “see them clicking”. Jay says that Bo doesn’t see the other side of it when they’re alone, but we all know what’s going on when they’re alone and Jay, it was never gonna happen. Jay tells Bo that he better watch his chin and then makes goofy faces to make fun of Bo, who he half-apologized to the week before.

His outside finally matches what he looks like on the inside.

George is up next and everyone thinks he should stay except Jay. I agree with our sped New Jersian, when he says, “Tila needs the spice in her life. I don’t see the pep in your step.” He then went on to say, “Jersey!” Well, not on the show, but I’m sure they edited out. Up next is Brittany, who gets a “stay” from everyone but Scotty, Bo, and Jay (of course). Scotty says he doesn’t see her as having a solid relationship with Tila, and that Brittany is up and down emotionally. Tila says that Brittany’s her little sweetheart and that Scotty’s “So wrong.” Brittany looks confused and starts to cry, while Tila almost looks offended.

While Scotty looks like a girl version of Carrot Top.

Lisa’s up next and despite being the biggest competition in the house, everyone votes for her to stay. She’s pleased with herself but Tila seems to be a bit annoyed by how good she is at everything, including getting picked by people. Bo’s up next and everyone think she should go except for George. Kristy says her rationale for Bo leaving is that she’s “not seeing the personalities click,” and particularly from Bobo, she’s “not seeing enough spunk.” I can’t think of an appropriate joke here so I’ll just say – spunk is a euphimsm for jizz…ha. Moving on, Kristy’s up next and everyone thinks she should stay except for Bobo, who’s just upset about not getting picked by Kristy earlier, and getting his revenge. Kristy’s response to the camera is that her and Tila together is every man’s fantasy, and “if it isn’t, you’re gay.”

Well call me Liberace, then.

Soon after it’s “message in a bottle” time and because everyone thought Lisa should stay, the message says she got a pass for elimination. Metaphorically, she just whipped out her dick on the table to show everyone who’s got the biggest…or not metaphorically, whatever. On top of that, Bo gets some alone time with Tila even though he got the lowest amount of votes. Everyone else is supposed to head to the back for “something special.”

Oh, a mall frangrance display. How special.

Tila says it’s an aphrodesiac bar, including chocolate balls, special drinks, and whole cockaroaches. Tila orders everyone to eat a cockaroach, and like willing slaves, almost everyone obliges. Glitter and Brittany even turn it into who will do anything for Tila fight, as Brittany says she’ll jump into the pool. Glitter says she’ll do it naked, which is how I bet she tries to top people in all arguments. She says that after refusing to vote for anyone to leave in the last game, she “really wanted to step up and act crazy.”

Yeah, this is really out of character for you.

When it was Tila’s time to dig in on the roach, she couldn’t handle it. So, she converted Brittany into a trash receptacle, and basically spit the roach into her mouth. Brittany of course loved it. She claims, however, that because she ate the roach Glitter and Brittany have to run in the pool naked. Jay thought Tila said New Jersey somewhere and naked in the same paragraph, and decided to hop in the pool sans clothes.

They need a bigger mixing glass.

The only mention on camera Tila makes is that she appreciated that Brittany did it, but she doesn’t mention Jay or Glitter at all, presumably because such shenanigans are predictable with this crowd. As Jay gets out of the pool, we finally understand what motivates his bravado. Glitter saw the Jersey turnpike, and noted that it was a “shriveled, floppy penis”.

Maybe you should move from Jersey to something a little more appropos of shirveled and floppy – how about Delaware?

After the party, Bo and Tila have their date, and it’s in a room that’s screaming firehazard. There’s probably a 100 lit candles all over the room and I don’t see Bo and Tequila as super responsible about things. Seriously, this show’s so tacky anyways, they should’ve put those electric fake candles that flicker, and nobody would’ve cared. Anyways, Tila asks him dumb questions and he makes pointless answers about how he’s “there to be with her.” They then cue some romantic music, as Tila feds Bobo his meal in a cup.

This is like an AARP ad, only with sexy people.

Bo and Tila make out (obviously) and feel a lot closer after the date. I’d really like to know, however, what it was they talked about/what Bo said to get her to straddle him. Maybe he just drooled and she felt sorry for him. Moving on, after spending some time in the fake TV room, it’s time for Tila to eliminate some of the houseguests.

The first person Tila calls is Delaware(Jersey’s new nickname), further irritating me and the rest of us who find the time to sit through this crap. She says she picked him because he was the most honest of the houseguests during Stay or Go, but I think it’s because he picks up a whole demographic of folks who watch MTV all the time, and the producers wanted to keep that audience coming.

Douchebags.

Bo was next to get a key, followed by Kristy, and Brittany. The last three up are Glitter, Scotty and George. Tila says that she fears Glitter’s too emotional to be with, which is another way of saying, “You are batshit crazy.” Glitter ends up getting kicked out and Lisa is pretty upset since she considered Glitter to be a “little sister.” But Glitter’s devastated. She’s bawling like crazy (obvi) and is talking in those really breathy high pitch tones. She says she “has so much heart and so much love to give. I just don’t know why I’m alone.”

Because, God made those hands to swing around stripper poles, not be in a committed relationship.

It’s down to George and Scott, which makes things especially awkward since they’re such good “friends.” Actually, I’m sure I made that joke already with Chad and Jay, so let’s leave these guys with their sexuality intact. Tila picked on George first, saying that she notices he’s excited to be there with everyone, just not with her.

“TT, give me a break. It’s the first time in my life I’ve ever had friends.”

Nonetheless, George still gets the key since Scotty is pretty much a wet blanket. Tila doesn’t see them ever crossing that “friendship line.” Scotty disagrees but he’s a gone for this week, and once George and Jay are out, I believe we’ll have cleared through the riff-raff – I think she only really likes Brittany, Kristy, Lisa (barely), and Bo (well, maybe pities more than likes). As I type this, of course, I see her make out with Jay next week and barf in my mouth a little bit. I’m going to try to delay my naseau for next week. Until then, gasmii!