A Shot At Love II with Tila Tequila: Like’s a Strong Word

Hi Gasmii! Hope you guys are all doing well because I’m shvitzing like a woman in a burka out here in NYC. Seriously, I need to go to costco and get some gold bond for this case of swamp crotch. Speaking of swamp crotches, this week on A SHOT AT LOVE II: WITH TILA TEQUILA, Tila gives us a shocker – luckily it’s not the literal meaning of the word.

Or is it?

We start the week off with Tila asking the contestants to do something ridiculous – desecrating their bodies beyond repair in dedication to her. And no, I don’t mean catching a Vietnamese strain of the herp – I mean getting a tattoo (which, coincidentally, could also lead to the herp). If they actually have common sense/decide not to get one, options include walking on broken glass, getting a piercing, or sitting in the electric chair.

Tila’s newest sex toy

Brittany tries to pipe in and be the first to get a tattoo, but once she gets up there she chickens out, giving Kristy the perfect opportunity to step in. She decides to get one that will have her laughed at in job interviews for years to come – a feakin’ star like Tila’s, right behind her ear. Although, I suppose the dyking out on national tv/taking your top off during a pool party might not be such a help.

A star candidate.

Next up is the loveable meathead George. I shouldn’t call George a meathead, however because our Georgie only fits two of the three criteria:

1) Obsessed with his body/buff

2) Stupid

3) Irrationally mean, angry and/or tough

George is, by all accounts, a really strong, really really really stupid nice guy. And I’m sure he’s not worth much in a fight. So it came as no surprise that to George, everything didn’t look like a good option since it would give him ouchies. He opts for the broken glass to walk over, and it looks like that glass must’ve been really sharp, cause georgie’s rubbin his toesies like they hurty wurty. He claims to have a cut although there is no blood to be seen – there is a scientific explanation, however. The glass is fake as Tila demonstrates to George, laughing in his face. The pain then moves from George’s injured foot to his bruised ego.

Annie lenox couldn’t have dreamt up a better prank

After our semi-meathead’s embarrasment (would he then be called a spamhead?), it’s time for Bo and Jay to lay all two inches of their manhood on the table, and see who can impress Tila most. It’s the first tattoo for both of these guys, cementing their status as complete f’ing idiots. Bo goes for the shot glass with the heart in it, while Jay opts for the simple, bare bones shot glass. Which, if you think about it, means they kind of got matching tattoos. Only Bo’s has a little heart dipped in it, which must mean that he’s a bottom. Tough guy Jay, meanwhile, likes to be on top.

Does this come in red, green, and white?

Lisa’s up, and like the regular dude that she is, is afraid of commitment. She doesn’t want to get a tattoo in case things don’t work out and Tila is disappointed. “Why won’t you mutilate yourself for me,” she asks. Ok, not really. She is disappointed, however, and to compensate for not being a dumbass, Lisa takes a ride in the electric chair. And she kind of likes it.

No surprise here.

Afterwards, Brittany realizes she has to do SOMETHING retarded to prove her love to Tila, so piercing it is. She claims to be really scared of needles and that getting tattoos isn’t hard for her, but getting pierced is. Well Brittany, why didn’t you get a tattoo before then? Anyways, she does the same shit any other 13 year old piece of white trash/chola would do – a belly button piercing.

You’re in good company now, Brooke Hogan.

After that incredibly pointless and ultimately humiliating task, Tila decides to take the gang on a sexy date, a romantic date and a dirty date. Christy gets to go on the romantic date first, and it’s a trip to a Frederick’s of Hollywood or some bullshit to rehearse for their sex tape (seriously Tila if you want to be famous, that’s the way to do it – look at Kim Kardasian). I know I like to make fun of Christy, but watching them try on clothes is giving me a bonezo, so I’m eating my words. Congratulations, Christy, you’ve moved on from a Mona Lisa (looks good from far away but you get up close and she’s ugly) to a Butterface.

Or Brownbagger, whichever you prefer.

The two of them talk about how Christy has never brought a girl home before, only guys, but that her parents are cool. Tila notes that it doesn’t matter if it’s a guy or girl, it’s the personal connection that really matters. And I totally respect that. And I’d be able to look past the two of them as sex objects and instead, see a couple in love.

But I can’t.

After Christy walks back to the house with a pussy eating grin, Jay and Bobo get more psyched about their awkward threesome/date. Jay feels pretty confident about the date, as Bo “has nothing to offer.” A lucrative career in assistant football coaching is nothing to scoff at, but I digress. It’s a sushi/Japanese themed date and they start off massaging Tila at the same time, making for a really awkward situation.

If Transportation Executing/Football Coaching don’t work, there’s always a career in porn, fellas.

Tila takes Jay off to the side to show him her “other cherry blossom,” and for once it looks like she’s actually into him. She says she’s getting to know a sweet guy underneath all that “huh huh huh” as she mugs a face at him, but she seems to be flirting with him while making fun of him at the same time. If I’m ever going to approve of this relationship, it’ll have to be this kind of dynamic. Unless, Jay’s turned a new leaf and isn’t the same brash asshole he’s always been.

The new, improved Jay – To borrow one from Bobo, he still looks like Corey Haim.

Jay gets some action from Tila while Bobo, doesn’t really say anything valuable (which isn’t any different most of the time) and still manages to get sloppy seconds. After the romantic date, it’s time for the “Dirty Date” and George, Lisa and Brittany all have to get dressed in silly tight clothes. George puts on a set to be funny (or is it cause it feels good, Georgie?) and starts dancing around like an idiot.

Sadly, he’s never been more entertaining

The date includes having everyone paint a giant canvas for Tila so she “has something to remember them by.” Which kind of gives away that only one of these three is going to stick around. Moving on, this show being A Shot At Love, it had to turn into some body painting thing where everyone slicked around and rubbed up on one another. Of course, Georgie got a boner, but I’m not sure if it’s because women were slicking him up with paint, or making him feel more like a woman.

“A little more rouge please.”

Tila wants to spend some more time with Brittany, so she takes her aside during the date. Tila says that Brittany has just kept growing and growing on her, but we all knew she was one of the frontrunners from the start. They make out for a bit and Tila moves on to Lisa. She says Lisa doesn’t really care about anything and always acts like a tough girl, while ominous music plays overhead. I’d say Lisa’s going home but she’s been pretty resilient up to this point. This time may be it, however, when the date starts off badly right away. Lisa comes in, like a normal dude, and says, “What’s up.” Tila, like a bickering Asian Lucille Ball says, “I hate it when you do that.”

Ralph and Alice Cramden, ladies and gentlemen.

Lisa is her own man, so in her conversation with Tila, she’s not deferential at all. She said she’s not gonna try and overdo it like everyone else in the house because she doesn’t really know for sure how into Tila she is. Tila, who’s used to everyone overdoing it in the house, is disappointed in her. Lisa’s being way too honest, however, and it looks like her time may be up.

The next day everyone wakes up and Lisa is pretty down on herself for screwing things up with Tila. She talks about it with George, who knows his clock is ticking too. They both resolve to do well in the challenge that date to get some last minute one on one time with Tila. The task today is something the girls may or may not be familiar with – a hot dog eating contest. Jay, however admits that he “love(s) eating wieners.” Of course, Bo is still sucking food through a straw so he can’t compete – or can he? The twist – the hot dog eating contest is through a straw.

How do you get a lesbian to suck a weiner? Through a straw – hi-O!

As soon as the contest begins, Christy backs out, saying “I’d rather eat a pig’s vagina.” And because this is Tila Tequila, that line isn’t nonsense. Jay says it’s garbage and backs out too, while Bo nearly pukes. Brittany, George and Lisa are dominating, with Lisa and George way in the lead. For some reason, Lisa plugs her ears while drinking it probably because the sound of sucking isn’t something she’s used to.

Someone stop this strange noise!

Lisa pulls out the win with George, like most times in his life, losing by a slurp. Her reward is a date in Tila’s bedroom, and Lisa’s ready to fix the damage she made the night before. She apologizes to Tila for being “too real” sometimes, and for “always playing it too safe.” She then gets all awkward and says “take it or leave it…this is me,” and it seems like every time she says something right, she follows it up with something wrong.

“You’re hot…but that dress doesn’t look good on you.”

Tila takes her aside for some dessert, which is basically the leftover chocolate covered strawberries form her date with Christy. She wants to give Lisa another chance, but when she asks her if she’s “in love with her,” Lisa says that “love is just a strong word.” She disappointingly says she has a lot to think about, but decides to make out with Lisa anyways.

“You don’t have to love me, I have millions of myspace fans/internet porn addicts to.”

Ok, well Tila claims to be out for true love, so I guess she’d never say that. Things are getting a little more serious (as much as this show can be serious) as those who move on will have Tila come to their hometowns and spend time with their families. Even Christy says, “this is real!” Luckily for her, she gets called, along with Jay and Bo. When winning Jay goes off on a nonsensical tirade about Jersey on camera.

Keep the goddamn sambuca away from this cheeseball.

It comes down to Brittany, Lisa, and George. Tila calls George up and says that she “was right the first time.” But it looks like George has been using that lima bean he calls a brain and rehearsed a speech for her. He says that, “MY shot at love is not over. My shot at love is now just beginning.”

MTV, you listen good – DO NOT GIVE THIS MAN A SPINOFF!

After George’s unsurprising exit, it’s down to Brittany and Lisa. Tila says that slow and steady wins the race and it’s Brittany’s win. Lisa leaves with the belief that she was the only one focused on her, and that eliminating her was eliminating “true love” from the house. But I believe she’s wrong – Christy and Brittany really seem to be into her while Bo and Jay are into themselves.

Or each other. A fight’s a step away from sex, so this isn’t necessarily crazy.

Next week, we see Jersey’s mother lift her tit out at dinner (according to the previews). Surprising? No. Until then, gasmii!!!!