A Shot At Love II with Tila Tequila: New Jersey – A Swing State

Hi Gasmii! I assume you are all educated, current events focused readers, correct? You’ve heard then that on Monday, California became the second state to allow gay marriage which must mean that either the rapture is coming or we’re going to end up a better, more tolerant society. Either way, we have one person to thank – our heroin in A SHOT AT LOVE II: WITH TILA TEQUILA recently told Us Weekly that the California Supreme Court decision is “because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement. Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, ‘Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.’ The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal.”

AHEM…Homosexual America, I believe you owe someone a thank youuuu.

We start off this week’s campaign of intolerance deep in the heart of enemy territory – Fairborn, Ohio. Bo’s family is about as red state average as you can get, and having Tila around doesn’t seem like it’s going to be a very comfortable situation. Before introducing Tila to ‘Ma and ‘Pa, however, Bo starts off by introducing Tila to his fan club – four 16 year old high schoolers.

“I’ll pay y’all when I get my next high school football coachin’ paycheck/allowance.”

Seriously, the first place Bo meets up with Tequila is his high school gym in some lame attempt to recreate a statutory rape fantasy. Actually, he just introduces her to his players who he knows will be really proud of him. Well, there’s this one wigger named Zach, who just says, “Daaayuuummm, I waswundin’ how he’d get her?”

Fairburn, OH’s most wanted

After showing off his roots, Bo brings Tila home to meet the Bobos for a nice family dinner. Papa Bobo isn’t particularly amused by the situation as he sits stone faced, but Mama Bobo is trying to be cool for the MTV crowd. So, during a nice dinner discussion about Bo and Tila’s relationship, she daydreams back to the days when she was Gene Simmons’ latest drop in the bucket.

In the 1,000 women Gene Simmons claims to have bedded, surely she could fit in somewhere.

For reasons that may be totally disgusting, this gets Tila going, and she announces that she thinks “Mom is hitting on me!” She doesn’t let it go, though. She then asks if Bo’s mom is a bisexual, to which she naturally responded, “By the end of the night…maybe.” EW. Mama Bobo makes it even more uncomfortable, by asking her youngest son Brent if he knows what a bisexual is. Based on Brent’s explanation, I don’t think Mama Bobo knows what a bisexual is. Brent’s answer? “A bisexual is the girl likes two boys and two girls. I think it’s kind of gross.”

Well, if we’re involving his mother into this equation he’s half right.

Tila decides to get a little serious and asks Bo’s family if they would have his blessing to go to LA. Mama Bobo, harkening back to her LSD infused groupie days, said she couldn’t do certain things because she got knocked up with Bobo, so at the very least, she can live vicariously through him. Papa Bobo, stoic as ever, isn’t so sure it’s a good idea.

“I mean, my son’s kind of a douchebag…although it is LA…I’m gonna have to think about this”

After spending some time in Bore-hio, Tila moves on to class it up in Yonkers, Queens. It’s a first for Kristy, as her family knows she’s bisexual, but has never met one of her girlfriends. She starts off the tour with a trip to the ice skating rink where Kristy can have an opportunity to show off her triple axle, since she already showed Tila her tits at a pool party.

A whole new kind of jap comes to Westchester (I know she’s Vietnamese, but the joke doesn’t work otherwise)

After ice skating, it’s time for dinner with Kristy’s family – her mom, dad, aunt, and brother. Her aunt is a bisexual as well, although with her look, it comes across as more desperation than preference. She sports a strange looking mullet, almost like the Rachel cut with a Chinchilla on top of her head. But, she’s super supportive of Kristy and seems like a nice lady, so I’ll ease up on her.

But seriously, check out this hair.

In all seriousness, Mimi’s a nice lady who says that she’s a bisexual because what matters is on the inside. Tila says she’s been saying that forever, solidifying her place as the reason for gay marriage in California. Kristy’s family is a good fit for her besides having old bi aunt Mimi – her dad says they want whatever makes their daughter happy, and he “downloaded some of Tila’s songs.” He must’ve been watching her music videos too, since as soon as that shit pops on, he starts grinding Tila.

“Pop it and lock it bitch.”

Tila then starts spanking him for some reason, and then moves on to the brother’s crotch, which her ass begins to grind. He said he had no problem with Tila “freakin’” him, but Tila noticed that he popped a bonezo and that it was a little weird. Aunt Mimi popped a bonezo when Tila walked into the room, and as soon as she noticed a moment to pounce, straddled that shit. Mimi justifies her indulgence saying, “Come an, you’re not hurting anybody.”

“Aunt Mimi, I can’t breathe…”

After all the lap dancing, Tila leaves the family feeling great. She loved how accepting the family was, and it looks like Kristy’s in great shape after this trip. After being lust in Yonkers with Kristy’s family, it’s time to visit Brittany in San Diego. She starts her off at a pub, and tries to be sweet by putting a street sign that says “Tequilaville” on their table and writing a card that says, “Will you be my Tequila sunrise.” Tila responds by howling like a monkey.

She then proceeded to throw her poo.

After the bar, they move on to meet up with Brittany’s friends and family. Unfortunately, her mother, brother, sister and stepfather are all “out of town” (read: they didn’t want their reputations ruined by being on this show). She notes that her father will be there, however. Brittany then starts admitting some pretty intimate details about her life, including the fact that she found her father at 16, and that he was scared she’d hate him, but that that wasn’t the case.

I feel bad for her, since Tila’s vacuously nodding her head and saying, “Wow that’s interesting” overenthusiastically.

Tila and Brittany arrive and meet Brittany’s roommate Devin, her best friend Peggy, and her dad Ron. Tila seems a little to into Brittany’s daddy, as she claims Ron is “sooo handsome and soo charming.” After drooling over her dad, Tila has a sit down with the rest of the family. It seems like Peggy is the ducky to Brittany’s Molly Ringwald, since she says that people “take advantage of Brittany all the time.”

You know this whole time she’s thinking, “Midget bitch.”

During dinner, Brittany tries to give Tila the perfect meal based on all of the things Tila has mentioned to her that she likes. Those items are as follows – grape soda, fried chicken, white rice, and Texas pickles. Continuing the house visiting trend of making people uncomfortable, Tila starts performing fellatio on a pickle, taunting poor Ron. Somebody must’ve told her this was funny, since she then decides to lick her wrist provocatively.

Daddy’s in a Pickle: coming soon to Cinemax After Dark.

After getting Ron’s approval and taking a look at some baby photos, it’s time for Tila to leave San Diego and head for the tacky confines of New Jersey. Jay picks Tila up from the Paramus Marriott in a limousine and takes her to a tacky, but big house in the Jersey burbs. It’s becoming more clear that while Jay’s title of Transportation Executive may be accurate, he didn’t exactly pick himself up by the bootstraps.

Not exactly Horatio Alger.

It’s upon meeting Jay’s family, which consists of his brother Adam, Step-Father Elie, Father Avi, Step-Mother Rachel, and Mother Dorlee, that i realize I’ve had it wrong all along – Jay isn’t a Jersey I-Tal, he’s a Jew! In response, I apologize to all the guidos out there. Actually, I apologize to all of G_d’s Chosen People out there too – you shouldn’t have to be grouped with this crew.

Want to guess what’s wrong with them? Take a “swing” at it.

In case you haven’t figured it out, this episode eventually turns into a near orgy. It starts with Tila telling Rachel and Dorilee that they’re “milfs,” and noting off camera that they “look cute together.” Then, during dinner, Dorlee suggests that Jay and his brother “share everything…there’s nothing wrong with that.” Soon after, as Jay and Tila begin to make out heavily, Avi notes, “OOh. I love seeing that.”

…as the dishes “clang!” from a mysterious force under the table.

Avi’s really shvitzing/turned on at this point, and after noting that they must really love each other because they were “practically eating one another”, he suggests Tila come over to give Rachel a little kiss. Somehow not creeped out by the request, Tila complies. Then, after kissing Rachel, she gives Dorlee some sugar and notes that it’s more like a family orgy than a family dinner. After all the smooching, Tila asks to see Dorlee and Rachel’s breasts, and after watching, I’m sure there’s a number of folks out there who lost their family dinner.

I hate to think of what they come up with for dessert.

The moms have manishewitz flowing through their veins at this point, so they decide to give each other a little peck. Jay interrupts the incestual weirdness by inciting more incestual weirdness – with a trip to the hot tub. Everyone begins staring at Tila as soon as she gets into a bikini, and Eli grabs her over to him, sitting her on his lap. He later says, creepily to the camera, “Tila’s a gorgeous girl…she’s got a gorgeous body…mmmmmm.”

“What are you doing with this punk? I’M the transportation executive.”

Tila starts getting tossed around the hot tub even more and ultimately ends up in Jay’s lap. The two start making out vigorously, which incites the swappers to go at it with their own wives. Jay’s brother Adam, meanwhile, has to sit there in extreme discomfort.

“Can I go now?”

That’s not true, actually, as Tila pays attention to him so he doesn’t feel left out. She seems intent on bedding the whole family, and as the men start discussing what a piece of a Jay’s got, she sees her opportunity to infiltrate on the mothers. Finding them lying, drunkenly, on a pink bed, she seduced them.

“Rachel, stop staring at Tila’s tits, we’re having a conversation.”

Tila leaves the house feeling like she just came out of a “porn convention,” but Ari believes there is no one else that can come between his son and Tila. Jay seems to think so as well as he said, “I don’t know if it’s at love status but it’s getting there.” Nonetheless, Tila returns to the house feeling “closer to everyone.” Jay returns to the house yelling, “MY MANSION,” and it makes me hope that Tila isn’t feeling closer to everyone.

I know that being in a big, tacky house where everyone got naked in the pool once sounds like home, but it doesn’t make it your mansion.

The last four houseguests tell each other about Tila’s visit to their hometowns, and Bo’s puts everyone to sleep. It seems like he might be the odd man out based on his visit, but I’d bet Tila needs to keep one all-American type person in the running. Jay catches on that Bo’s visit was boring, and it makes him feel that his visit blew everyone out of the water. Bo admits that his hometown visit look like a “visit with the grandparents.”

Which makes you the lame uncle that still lives with them.

After all’s said and done, it’s time for elimination, and of the 4 people left, tila is going to choose only one person to go home. After giving Kristy a key, Tila picks Bo and, unsurprisingly, he does something incredibly cheesy. He checks his pulse and after Tila asks if he’s ok, he says, “I need my nurse.”

No, you need any last shred of dignity you’ve got, douchebag.

It comes down to Jay and Brittany, and Tila stuns Jay by simply telling him, “You’re just not my type. By the way, Jersey called and they want you back.” You can see the anger erupting to the surface so clearly, that I have to put it in phases.

Phase I: Shock

Phase II: Dismay

Phase III: Anger

Phase IV: Aggression

Yes, that’s right Jay knocked over the key stand. And a vase. He storms off the set screaming, “made me get a stupid tattoo.” Yes Jay, because of this show, you will not be able to be buried in a Jewish Cemetery. But don’t worry, when all’s said and done, you’ll know that somewhere out there in the world, there’s a douchebag with one just like it (only it has a slightly gayer heart in it). That, and we’ll always have the tape of you punching the side of a house, saying it’s Bo’s face, and then walking away saying that it hurt and it’s gonna scab up.

Grade A Dumbass back on the market, ladies.

Well, it’s almost over, Gasmii! Soon enough, we’ll see if Tila decides to go with Brittany, Kristy, or Bo. My money’s on Kristy – they seem to have a genuine connection. But I could be wrong. What do you guys think? Is Bo going to surprise everyone and add more fuel to the rumors that Tila’s not really gay? Or is Brittay going to quietly come in and sneak this one away from Kristy? We’ll find out tonight! Until next time Gasmii!