A Shot At Love II With Tila Tequila: Oh, Oh, Oh Mexico!

Well gasmii, we’ve gotten down to our last three contestants on A SHOT AT LOVE II WITH TILA TEQUILA – Bo, Kristy, and Brittany. Now that it’s so close to the end, Tila’s really going to need to do some deep thinking. After all, she’s had her heart broken once and if she chooses the wrong person, she runs the risk of having it broken again. So, to make the smart, correct choice, she decides to whisk them away to Mexico, where she can really get to know what’s inside each of them and take a deep look into their souls.

Or just have them blow up a condom by humping a pump.

The crew arrives to their very nice resort in Cancun, and immediately head to the pool for some goofing off. They then move on to a nicely prepared meal and begin some babble about relationships, but Bobo doesn’t like talking about anything besides 1)football 2)hot chicks 3)how pretty he is. So, he begins to zone out and Tila is disappointed.

(Internal monologue)”I can’t wait to see how I’ll look once this tan settles in.”

Bo admits that he feels a little awkward when it’s not just him and Tila, but he doesn’t make it any better for himself by sitting and pouting. Speaking of sitting and pouting, Tila’s next activity is an afternoon of jet skis, but Bobo can only kayak and he throws a temper tantrum over it. THe girls, meanwhile have a blast racing and laugh knowingly about what a baby Bobo’s being.

The saddest douchebag in Cancun (and that’s saying something!)

Bo really hurt himself with all this whining. Tila is trying to get him to not be upset about it, but Bo goes off and admits that he’s angry the girls had so much fun. I guess coaching all of those 15 and 16 year olds makes him act like one. Tila agrees and says that it’s a “terrible way to start a vacation.”

“Go get a juice box and shut the hell up.”

After the drama with Bobo, Tila can’t help but to throw a challenge with sexual undertones. This one’s called “The Condom Blow-Up Race”, and it goes as follows – the three of them have to dive into the pool, open up a condom, and blow it up by humping a bicycle pump. The winner is the one who does it the sexiest. Since Howie Mandel already cornered the market on latex blow-up jokes in the 80′s, I’ll let the picture speak for itself.

She’s been doing this for years – calls it fu@$in the pumpkin.

After bellowing “I’m about to blow” mid-hump, Brittany pulls off the win. Because Brittany won the challenge, she gets to pick night 1,2, or 3 with Tila, and goes with night 2. I remember hearing in a psych class that you never want to be in the middle when being interviewed, because people remember the first and last few interviews more than the ones in between. And in a way, I guess you could call this a job interview.

I have a feeling keeping her happy involves more work than pleasure.

Bo gets the first night with Tila and Kristy gets the last one, so it’s a good opportunity for him to nip in the bud the fact that he was such a baby earlier in the day. Tila says that before the date she’s “a little turned off by the way he was acting,” and wanted to get to it right away. Bo beats her to the punch and apologizes right away and after Tila has a good cry, he says that if he could go back he’d “kayak until the sun came down.” For some reason, this gets Tila turned on and she goes in for the kill.

“Talking about watersports gets me wet.” (rimshot)

Brittany and Kristy are back in their rooms upset that Bobo’s getting action in spite of the fact that he is a “doofus”. Somewhere in a Detroit motorhome, Chad is nodding his head in agreement. Bobo, nonetheless, looks like he’s gonna score a touchdown as Tila takes him back in the room for some off-camera getting busy time. Meanwhile, Kristy and Brittany are bored and decide to go skinny dipping. The two of them really seem to like hanging out and it makes me wonder if they’re attracted to one another.

The most successful couple in Tila Tequila history?

Bo and Tila walk downstairs for breakfast the next morning and he has the biggest shit eating grin on his face. He says that he was in his “gloatfulness” mode, probably like after that time he fingerbanged Cassie Freeman after 7th period gym back in 2007. After Bobo gets his rocks off over getting a blow j the night before, Brittany asks Tila what’s in store for the day. Tila says that they’ll be “going down,” but what she means is that they’re going on a submarine ride. It’s actually a cool little trip that had to be made ridiculous by some terrible sexual conotation.

The SS Cunnilingus

It’s time for Brittany’s date with Tila and Brittany seems to be trying to convince herself that she’s in love with Tila. Most of their talk revolves around why Brittany’s never been in a relationship or in love. Brittany claims that Tila’s a step up, albeit a little step since she’s so, well, little. Tila laughs at the lame joke, and it works well enough for Tila to want to get busy. The two head over to the hot tub and after Tila puts Brittany’s hand on her silicone skin jugs, they go out it til the sun comes up.

I pledge allegiance to the hoe of the United States of Nymphomania

Brittany and Tila come down to breakfast giggly and today, Brittany’s the one with the shit eating grin. After Brittany’s done writing a sonnett about her like for Tila, the little one informs the contestants that today, she wants to see how they “ride.” I thought the first challenge kind of provided that info, but in this case, she means horses.

“For my first act, I’ll be performing a Catherine The Great!”

As the contestants begin a nice beachside horseback ride, Kristy’s gets a little finnicky and starts trotting. She overexaggerates a little and says the horese was galloping and acting crazy, and starts to have a bit of a breakdown on the horse. Remembering the sad story of Christopher Reeve, she decides to get off the horse in an attempt to preserve her career as a “dancer.”

“Mules, I’ve worked with. Horses are a bit of a problem.”

Kristy has the date that night, and it seems the horse issue wasn’t a huge problem with Tila. Their date is on a boat and Kristy says no one has ever made that kind of a romantic gesture for her – it must mean the producers really love you, Kristy. Kristy says all the right things during the date, telling Tila she’ll travel a lot to spend time with her, find a way to make it work, and that she’s “in love with [her]“. Part terrified, part turned on, Tila brings her to a hammock on the boat to get busy/reenact a scene from Vivid Video’s newest release.

The No-Banana Hammock

It seems like Kristy got the closest to a homerun with Tila as she says, “What happened is between me and my girl Kristy,” and never made that kind of editorial comment when it came to the other contestants. Kristy furthers the by saying to Brittany that “fun is not the word,” to describe their time last night. This, of course turns Bobo into a giant baby once again and he gets upset over not having more time with Tila. He tells her that he feels “distant,” and Kristy is annoyed that he poured it out during her breakfast. Tila, however, was happy to see the “Boo Bear” that she knows.

I’m booing him, but I don’t get the bear part so much.

The contestants head back to the mansion and Tila’s upset that she’s gonna have to eliminate one of them. Tila is interested in Kristy but knows that Tila would be Kristy’s first real relationship with a girl. Bo, meanwhile, has been sweet with her but is “being cautious with his feelings,” which means that he hasn’t dropped the l-bomb. When it comes to Brittany, things finally got a little more intimate, but did it take too long? Ultimately, that was a problem for Tila and she lets Brittany go home.

Hey Brittany, don’t worry about it – you do a great sexy condom blow up so you’ve got that going for you.

Brittany’s clearly upset as she “worked so hard to get there, ate so many things to get here” (pig vaginas in case anyone forgot) and told Tila a lot of stuff she wouldn’t tell most people. That being said, you signed up for a reality show so that stuff’s going to get out there regardless. Tila sagely notes that Brittany had been trying way too hard to make it work, but they just don’t have chemistry romantically, and Brittany dejectedly tells the camera that “My shot at love is done.” Brittany should cheer up because now that she’s reality show famous, she’ll be getting so much hot lesbian tail soon that she won’t even know what to do with yourself. And she’s gonna dump whoever wins anyways.

That knowing smile is brought to you by A Shot At Love III: With Tila Tequila.

I feel bad for Brittany, but Tila wouldn’t have been good for her. Based on what she’s said throughout the show, she would need a little more attention than Tila can give her. It makes no sense, however, that Bo is still on – the final two should’ve been Brittany and Kristy and here’s why – when Tila looks at Bo, I sense a glimmer in her eyes that say, “haha. I guess I’ll make out with this dumbass.” But, he’s in the final competeing with Kristy for Tila’s love so what do I know? Next week, we get a reunion special and a viewing of Chad breaking some other part of Bobo’s face. Getting closer to the end, gasmii! Until next week.