A Shot At Love II With Tila Tequila: Hoedenfreude

Hey Gasmii! I know, I know. You’re disappointed in my complete lack of timeliness. But you know, I was watching the surprising turn of events the night of the so-called “finale”, and as the credits rolled, they previewed some clips from this week’s perfectly named epilogue, A SHOT AT LOVE II: WITH TILA TEQUILA – One Shot Too Many. And you know what? After the end of the finale, and the preview they showed for this week, it just made sense to cover them both at once. I don’t want to give away why just yet, but maybe I’m a little happy that I can really pour on the vitriol for someone’s “sad” situation.

See – Title

But let’s go back to the beginning of this story. Where we last left it, Tila had to make up her little bobble headed mind between Bo and Kristy. Bobo and Kristy wake up to a nice breakfast in bed, and soon after meet Tila downstairs for the very last stupid challenge. It’s one that’s been scene in a number of reality shows before this one – the get to the center of an ice block using only your body heat (surprisingly there is no sexual euphimism associated with this challenge). Tila also has a couple of Bo and a couple of Kristy’s friends from home help them out, although with Kristy’s ass, I don’t think she needs the help.

(Internal monologue)Rigged show? This challenge totally favors her.

In fact, Kristy’s ass is so distracting that it, coupled with some porn star groaning, causes Bobo’s dumb buddies to be a little distracted. Luckily, Bobo shows them a little something to get back on track.

Somehow, Bo’s managed to make getting his ass kicked on television not the most embarrassing thing he’s done.

After Tila provides some Margarita kits, including salt and tequila to melt the ice, and the shaker to chip away at it, the favor goes back to the guys and they pull out the win in brute force. The reward? To go to Tila’s strip club and awkwardly stare at her while talking about how great Bo is.

“So glad you guys could make it out for the gang bang.”

Soon after, Kristy and her girls came up, and it’s kind of funny because when the guys all gang up on Tila it comes across as kind of creepy. But when the girls do it, it’s like HBO late night porn. Well, these girls are kind of uglier. So maybe Starz (Do they even have softcore porn on Starz?)?

“The Butterface Chronicles”, call your local cable provider

After Kristy and Bobo’s friends leave, they get up the next morning for some time with Tila. Bobo gets the first go round with her and she takes him to a “sports bar,” but really it’s the stripper room dressed up to look like a sports bar, otherwise known as a finished basement.

“This is like a real sports bar. I just roofied your drink.”

Bobo shows Tila that he’s been wearing his hospital bracelet since the “incident” as it’s his good luck charm. What he doesn’t realize is the “incident” was his good luck charm. I do not think Bobo would have made it this far otherwise. Nonetheless, he says he doesn’t intend to take it off until the end, when she’s gonna “give me my key,” according to Bo.

“Awwwww, you’re so stupid.”

After nodding along to Bo’s comments while watching the TV behind him, Tila moves on to her date with Kristy. The two of them have a cozy dinner by the fire, and Kristy starts off being very emotional. She’s worried that because she hasn’t been in a relationship with a serious woman, somewhere down the line she’ll hurt Tila by freaking out about the relationship. Something tells me Tila’s not too concerned about that.

“Shit, I’m counting on it.”

After the date’s over, the time has finally come – Tila is going to pick who has a Shot at Love with her. She leaves Kristy and Bo to a day of pampering (other than Bo’s typical two hours in front of the mirror). Bobo is of course pumped and thinks he has the thing in the bag. He’s serious about Tila and in love with her. Kristy, meanwhile, says she started to “get nervous. My hands started shaking. And then it hit me like a truck – do I want a man, or a woman?”

If you want a man, I think Lisa is available.

Kristy’s really nervous, and says that right now, it’d be better if Tila didn’t choose her. But, as we return from commercial, it’s Bobo who comes to the house first. After getting his jaw cracked, and being exposed to the world as an unfunny, douchebagy, jock, it’s unfair that Bobo doesn’t at least get some Saigon tang. Bo, in a potentially wise move, tells her as he leaves that she’ll “always have your Bo Bear”. And then melodramatically drops his hospital bracelet.

Symbolically, once BO let go of the bracelet, no one outside of Ohio ever cared about him again. Enjoy anonimity buddy!

Tila says that it was hard to let go of Bobo, but that she’s excited to start her relationship with Kristy. At the moment, however, Kristy’s totally lost it. As she walks to the stage, she has the biggest “Oh shit!” look on her face. But Tila, looking right at her, pretends to be totally oblivious to Kristy’s obvious uncertainty. I say pretends because this is what she was counting on all along – now she can offer the key to Kristy, knowing Kristy won’t take it, then make A Shot at Love III so that she can be even more famous for…for um? Well, not for music. Still, Kristy is nonetheless, shitting herself with nervousness right now.

“I’m gonna need a baby wipe”

Nonetheless, when the time comes Kristy comes forward with it. She tells Tila that she’s not ready and the camera zooms forward to a shaken Tila, with tears welling up in her eyes. For some reason, when Tila is upset she shakes a lot, making her bobblehead even more accented. With those glassy eyes and wobbly dome, she kind of reminds me of something.

Matches the whole Tequila/Mexico theme.

Tila manages to make herself cry by thinking about an apocalyptic situation in which Myspace doesn’t exist anymore. She asks the camera why she can’t find love? “What’s wrong with me,” she asks herself.

You’ve “cried” enough. I’ll spare you.

But after all that melodrama, we flash forward to two months later (in actual real life, not reality television world where time stands still), and find out what’s been going on with our favorite morons with bad taste in people. Stout calls out Bo first, and asks how things have been for poor Bobo. He says that he doesn’t feel any better, and still has an empty void. Besides getting dumped on tv, he got dumped by his football team for being on TV, so let’s just say it’s metaphorical castration for him.

But he’s such a pretty lady now at least.

Stout then asks Bobo what he was thinking when Tila kicked him to the curb. Bobo says that it’s a blur and that he doesn’t remember…”kind of like getting headbutted in the face.” The audience rewards him with a good chuckle, but after hearing him go on and on about “feeling empty,” get tired pretty quick.

“Is this asshole for real?”

After Bobo, the audience gets a reprieve from Kristy and her even bigger(?) boobs. She starts off making perfect sense about how she got closer to Tila but the connection only went to a certain point. Like most of my fratty friends, she thinks women are too complicated and she didn’t want to end up a “fake reality couple.” She also said she didn’t get a tattoo since it symbolized “what I went through.” That being, starfucking. In fact, her whole family loved the idea of her starfucking so much, they decided to all get the same tat for themselves on awkward parts of their body.

“The Starfuckers”, a Tila Tequila spinoff.

After looking at all that ink, Bobo comes out to hang out with Kristy. Stout notices that they look pretty cordial, and Bo says they had a brother sister relationship, but more in the “Hazzard County” sense. Or in other words, business as usual for Bo.

“Okay, so I grabbed her tits once.”

Bo and Kristy then speculate on whether Bo could be with Tila now if Kristy backed out sooner. But, Bobo points out that she “didn’t pick me anyway.” Stout then asks Bobo how he would feel if Tila gave him another chance? Bobo tries to hide it a little, agreeing that it’d be tough to deal with that in a relationship, but maybe he could get past it.

Seriously, Tila you could have another shot with this piece of man right here.

After a commercial, Bo finally gets a chance to sit down face to face with Tila and find out why she didn’t pick him. She tells him what we all basically already knew, which is that she felt sorry for him after the fight, wanted to protect him and “fell in love.” But she says, she needed more “fire” or in other words, for Bobo to not be so damn boring. Bobo’s mother meanwhile, is on the sidelines not looking pleased.

The obscene amount of pink on Kelley is more offensive than Tila.

In actuality, it was Bobo blowing it in Cancun by acting like a baby. She also said that he was awkward around groups of people, and that she always has lots of people around her. Bo insists, “but it’s not your boyfriends and girlfriends.” Tila looks up to the corner and tries to pretend that’s not true.

Totally a visual cue for a lie.

After Bo gets over the fact that Tila isn’t taking him back, it’s Kristy’s turn to hear Tila talk crazy. She comes out telling Kristy how hard it was for her to go through all of that, then once Kristy asks her if she was in a relationship, she gets all gangsta and flips out on Kristy. To me, it seems like she’s overacting a bit. In fact, I really don’t think Tila cares that much, as it’s really obvious that she’s trying to make herself cry and talking in circles. It’s especially ironic since Tila keeps calling Kristy a “fake bitch.” But maybe I’m a cynic.

Give this bitch an Emmy.

Kristy makes the point that Tila did the same thing to 30 people, and “what goes around comes around.” She gets booed by the crowd, but I gotta go with Kristy on this one. Still, I have a really tough time caring when Tila clearly doesn’t give a shit, and is trying to act so hard like she does.

I really think Kristy was thinking, at this point, “Is this bitch for real?”

Tila then starts reading a card from Kristy that says a bunch of nice things people say when they’re trying to win a reality show. Seriously, it’s cliche after cliche. “You’re an inspiration…You’re an amazing woman…Thanks for being you.” Kristy, says that she meant it all and things changed when she started doubting herself. Tila, meanwhile, is still pretending not to be satisfied.

“Pout. Pout. Pout. Pout.” (Internal monologue)

Stout challenges Tila with the same shit Kristy’s been saying – basically, if Tila gave Bo a key week after week, and Tila didn’t pick him, then why can’t it be ok for Kristy to not pick Tila. TT responds with some bullshit about having respect and sticking with one side. Kind of like a slutty version of the president.

“My fellow Americans, these are my fake tits.”

Tila makes a point when Kristy says she was confused in Cancun, but on their date it was the most romantic night ever. Kristy says yes both are true, but Tila being “the decider”, she doesn’t really see nuance. She tells Kristy that she’s “confused and needs help.” And Kristy agrees, that yes, she is confused. Tila’s basically got no more argument, so she just starts disparaging and threatening Kristy with violence. But instead of going for the real Joan Collins and slapping a bitch, she just storms off the set, screaming, “You’re a trashole bitch,” to Kristy as she walks away.

They’ll be lining up for a Shot at Love III after that.

The best part of the whole show is the last 30 seconds when, as Stout teases us out, Kristy starts flipping out about what a bitch Tila is. Meanwhile, the camera, perfectly placed down the hallway, almost as if it knew she was going to do this, catches Tila knocking over a rack of clothes and slamming the door to her dressing room. Kristy, meanwhile, is happy for any distress her dumping of Tila may have caused, and the show signs off with her saying, “You want the truth!? She’s a bitch.” Couldn’t have written it any better myself.

Although, the acting could’ve used some work.

Well gasmii, that’s it for now. I hope you enjoyed making fun of these poor, aimless idiots as much as I did. Thanks to all of you for reading my lame dick jokes and for the commenters who complimented me on them. After a couple of weeks off, I’ll be back to recap New York Goes Hollywood, which makes me feel about as joyful as Sister Patterson after a bottle of church wine. Hope to see you then!