Tila Tequila: Ciao, Bella! You had-a the beautiful boobies, no?

Hey everyone! Sorry this recap’s a little late – I had something going on the past few days that had something I think to do with turkey. I know it had a lot to do with booze. And my grandma asking me yet again when I’m going to get married and have lots of babies. I may or may not have claimed to be a lesbian just to shut her up. For that matter, my parents may or may not still be giving me the silent treatment. Ah, the holidays make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But that may just be the booze… Yeah it’s the booze.

Anyway, this week on A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, we finally get to see the fallout from the catfight of the century! When we last left our brave contestants, Tranny Vanny was wailing and rolling around on a rug, Lizard Killer was insisting on leaving while trying to crush Tila’s disproportionally large skull, and Bobby was suffering through some Post Traumatic Stress Disorder flashbacks as he nervously checked for Professor Ashley to come bursting through the doors.

Is it just me, or do you guys hear some banjoes playing?

This week, we open with LK still insisting to Tila that she has to go home, both girls crying as we hear TV continue to wail in the background. Tila loses it, yelling at LK that she can’t believe LK’s just going to quit after putting Tila and everyone else through the catfight drama. Her voice reaches such a high pitch that my neighbor’s dog starts howling. Yes, Tila, I’m sure that was hard on you, but to be fair, you didn’t get yanked to the ground and your hair ripped out at the scalp by a transvestite. Tila’s seriously pissed, but LK doesn’t give a shit what Tila thinks right now – she’s getting the hell out of there. As LK leaves, Bobby correctly points out that LK is letting TV win, because all TV really wanted was for LK to leave. And that second surgery. Always having to tuck it back is so annoying.

By the next morning the production assistants have picked up the clumps of LK’s scalp and hair lying around, and the final five finds a message from Tila directing them to put on their bathing suits and meet her out back. Guido shows up in a white thong/jock strap, and it looks semi-transparent already and it’s not even wet yet. I never thought I’d wish to see the Italian flag Speedo, but there you go. The editors blur his ass cheeks when he turns around to show Tila, which confuses me because the image of his ass has already been burned into my brain from the other countless times we’ve had to look at it. Too little, too late, editors. Guido tells us that he wants to make sure Tila knows what he has to offer her down there, and the answer to that is very, very little.

The challenge is one we’ve seen before on other shows – each of the contestants must jump into a gigantic pool of chocolate, and then race over to their bucket and wring it off themselves. The person with the most chocolate in his or her bucket after five minutes wins a solo date with Tila. The other four will have to pair up for two-on-one dates. Between Pamela Amanda’s nappy hair and Manly Dani’s long shorts, the ladies are definitely favored in this one.

I’m gonna wash that bisexual right outa my hair…

The competition begins, and Amanda knows what’s up, telling us that between her hair and her massive rack, she’s got it made. Bobby’s strategy is to make as many trips to and from the chocolate as possible, which Dani criticizes, saying he wasn’t taking the time to actually get chocolate in the bucket. Guido complains that his “swimsuit” doesn’t hold as much as other people’s, but that’s just one of many, many reasons not to wear butt floss. Butterface Ryan gets confused, and winds up defecating in his bucket.

Oh man, yes, that feels great.

After the five minutes are up, Tila gathers the group to weigh their buckets and announce the winner. But before doing so, she reveals that the dates will help her decide whose homes to visit. Holy shit, hometown dates in “A Shot at Love”? I’m super excited about those possibilities – I’d especially love to see what kind of people spawned Guido. Speaking of Guido, he seems super excited as well, but you know his mind is frantically trying to figure out how he can convince Tila that Little Italy is actually Milan, Italy. Also problematic? That no one else in his family will have an accent. Unless they’re a whole acting dynasty, like the Baldwins or something.

Ryan weighs in first, and he has 50 pounds of chocolate. Amanda goes next, and gets 60 pounds. Guess Ryan should have pooped in his bucket some more. Guido’s not really a contender with 41 pounds, and Dani comes very close with 57 pounds. It comes down to Bobby, who practically gives himself a hernia carrying his bucket to the scale. But it’s all worth it, as his bucket comes in at 63 pounds, winning the challenge. Amanda complains that she missed the mark by just 3 pounds, but then admits she should have spent more time gathering the chocolate than eating the chocolate.

Run! It’s Swamp Thing!

Afterwards, Tila dives in and joins the group for some chocolate frolicking, but before too long we’re back inside. Guido’s talking to Bobby and Ryan, who seems oddly edited in, as if the shots of him are from a totally different conversation. But that’s just crazy talk. MTV never edits its shows to look like something that never happened happened, right? Anyway, Guido’s worried that he hasn’t gotten enough alone time with Tila, and that it may hurt him in the long run. Also hurting Guido are his “heritage”, fashion sense, and sexual preferences.

Tila shows up for her date with Bobby, and takes him downstairs for some sushi. She teases him about not knowing how to use chopsticks while her nipples threaten to poke out his eyeballs. She looks like an extra from the set of Madonna’s “Vogue” video. While they eat, Tila asks Bobby how his mom’s going to react when he brings home a bisexual, tattooed attention-whore. Bobby assures her that his mother is blind and deaf, and therefore they will get along great. Tila reclines on some pillows while Bobby mounts her, and he babbles to both her and us about being nervous and in love before they make out.

A scene from the upcoming straight-to-video release “A Shot of Love Juice with Tila Tequila”

Later that night, Tila collects Ryan and Dani for their date, and questions both of them about their families. Ryan kicks things off, but I can’t help but stare at the crazy widow’s peak his fauxhawk is giving him. Receding hairline much, Ry? The nickname butterface has never been more appropriate than in this scene. After Dani shares a little bit about her family, she and Tila begin making out and cuddling while Ryan pouts and whines.

Suck it, bitch.

Looking for more drama and more ass, Tila then asks Ryan to show Dani how he does it. Ryan immediately plucks Tila from Dani’s arms, and hauls her on top of him like a sack of potatoes. Dani bitches that he’s pulling a Steven with Tila, and Ryan insists Tila likes it while pawing at her frantically. They break it up, and Tila asks Dani what she doesn’t like about Ryan. Dani immediately calls him too aggressive, and Ryan lunges at her, slapping his fist into his palm, and heatedly saying that he’s just an aggressive guy. Way to prove her point, asshat. Dani tells Tila that since Ryan’s a dude, he only wants her body, while Ryan does one of those cough-bullshit!-cough things the rest of us stopped doing in 4th grade.

Tila diplomatically tells them that she’s bonded with them both in different ways, and that it’s a hard spot for her to be in. However, throughout this entire scene her body is turned towards Dani, and she only spares Ryan a few fleeting glances over her shoulder. She finally says goodbye, kissing Ryan on the forehead like a baby nephew, and heads off for her final date. Ryan clenches his fists in rage but wisely refrains from punching Dani, since she could totally kick his ass.

Guido and Amanda are waiting for Tila by the hot tub in their bathing suits, Amanda looking uncomfortable to be sitting in a bikini on national television, and Guido posing like he’s a Playgirl centerfold. Guido tells us he’s excited about the date, because he’s definitely up for a threesome – and he tends to prefer the girl-boy-girl kind to the girl-boy-boy kind. Even though it’s a close call. Honey, Amanda could eat you alive in two bites. I wouldn’t fuck with her.

Oh thank God, welcome back Italy Speedo!

Tila shows up in an itsy bitsy bikini, looking incredible. Whatever you think about Tila, her body is insane. She asks Amanda and Guido the standard family questions, and Amanda reveals she has six adopted brothers and sisters, all of which have special needs. If Amanda gets a hometown date, I hope her siblings aren’t exploited because even I won’t sink that low. Guido admits he’s never brought a girl home before – just men – and that telling his parents that Tila’s bi may be an issue. But he quickly tells her that he’ll just tell his parents that Tila’s got so much love she shares it with everyone, both boys and girls. But don’t worry, that doesn’t make her a dirty whore at all – just so damn loveable!

He then claims that he’s been with 50 women. Tila rightfully calls bullshit on that, and Guido frantically tries to insist he’s not a diseased perv while Amanda hides a laugh and tells us that Guido was making her look super cool by comparison. Very true. He would make Spencer Pratt look super cool by comparison. Tila and Amanda begin kissing and fondling, while Guido intensely stares at them and totally does not give off that perv vibe he was just denying. He shoves a glass of champagne in their faces and meekly says “cheers” a few times, and it’s one of the saddest/funniest things ever. Oh, Guido, you crazy bastard. Mark my words, this kid’s going to get a spin off by the end of this.

Would you mind moving to the left, I can’t quite see her nipple. Also, a couple moans would be fantastic. There you go!

The next morning, the group is in the kitchen rehashing their dates from the night before. Ryan jokingly tells Guido he should have gone in for the triple kiss with Tila and Amanda, and Amanda throws up in her mouth a little and barely fights it back down. I really wish he would have tried that, because we know Amanda would have totally beat his ass. Tila strolls in and awkwardly says she just wants to relax with everyone by the pool today. Her delivery is much more garbled and nervous than usual, suggesting to me that she does know what’s coming…

Sure enough, as Tila’s repeating over and over that she just wants a relaxing, chill day, we see LK hiking up the hill to Tila’s door. LK’s muffin top tells us she screwed up, and now she wants a second chance. She rings the doorbell, and Dani answers it, hugging LK happily and shouting that it’s LK. The group in the kitchen doesn’t look too pleased, and Tila grabs her beer and begins chugging before turning to greet LK. That’s usually not a good sign.

After giving her a hug, Tila leads a sobbing LK outside, and LK begins apologizing and saying she made a mistake. Tila lightly chastises her, pointing out that LK cut and ran when things got tough, and even though Bobby got his ass kicked by an angry hick, he never left. LK admits she screwed up and says in a wobbly voice that everyone deserves a second chance.

Meanwhile, the group in the kitchen is speculating on what LK’s return means for eliminations. Amanda is particularly worried, because she thinks LK is her main competition. I agree that Tila seemed to like LK more than Amanda, but I would definitely put Dani as the biggest female threat. In fact, Dani seems to be the only one okay with LK returning, pointing out that Tila should be with the person she likes the most, and LK’s presence isn’t going to change how she feels. Amanda struggles to keep her fear in check, whining that it’s not fair and LK’s return could confuse Tila.

If LK comes back, I’ll just have to finish the job TV started.

Finally, as “Fallin” cheesily plays, Tila decides that she cannot allow LK to return, since it would be unfair to subject the other five contestants to the drama. Given that this episode has been somewhat of a snoozefest, I say bring the bitch back in. I also think LK was justified in getting the fuck out of there when she did. I’ve never been in a fight, but I know I would totally puss out and run for my life if anyone even resembling TV came at me. But alas, LK is sent to smush more amphibians and heads off into the sunset, crying to us that she made a huge mistake by walking out on Tila. LK, darling, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have won anyway, if that makes you feel better. Why don’t you try giving Rebecca a call?

Tila returns upstairs, and a panicked Amanda begins grilling her for details. Tila announces that LK came to apologize, but Tila’s not going to let her return. Amanda pees herself in relief, and the group heads outside for a BBQ and pool party. It’s pretty uneventful as Bobby and Ryan fret about eliminations, Amanda is all happy smiles with Tila, and Guido and Dani declare their love for each other. Finally, Tila announces that it’s time for eliminations and time for her to locate her sorely missed makeup artist! Girlfriend kinda looks like Sloth right now.

Guido teaches Dani the art of the Italian Shower.

Tonight Tila only has four keys, and it’s safe to assume that one of the boys will be leaving us. Bobby’s clearly going to be safe, meaning either Ryan or Guido’s getting the boot. I hope it’s Ryan who goes because I would love to see Guido’s family, but I have a bad feeling about his chances tonight after the hot tub date debacle.

Amanda is called first, which thankfully removes the 3 trillion worry lines on her forehead. Dani is called next, with a big grin and a giggle from Tila. Tila then has the three guys – Bobby, Ryan, and Guido – step forward. Amanda tells us that she hopes Bobby doesn’t get the key, because he’s her biggest competition now that LK’s definitely gone. Helllllo Amanda! See that cute yet manly girl over there? I don’t know why you keep discounting her, but you’re going to feel like a retard when she wins this whole thing.

As expected, Bobby gets the third key, and he tells us that he hopes Ryan goes tonight because he thinks Ryan is his biggest competition. The stupidity of these people amazes me. If Ryan stays, I’d rank him last of the final four. Maybe Bobby’s penis just can’t see Tila picking a girl.

Tila cuts right to it, and announces that Ryan will be staying. Dammit! After she gives him the final key, she turns to address Guido, calling him her teddy bear, and telling him that he will find an amazing girl – or guy, whatevs – some day. He smiles sweetly and thanks her and everyone else for the experience, and they all begin to cry as he hugs them goodbye – especially the guys. I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but I got a little sniffly myself. It’s just sad to watch that much good material walk out the door. Goodbye Guido, and your fake nationality, penchant for revealing swimwear, and crass, inappropriate confessionals. Hopefully someday we’ll have the opportunity to see your parents try out their own fauxccents.

If it doesn’t work out with Tila, can I get your number?

So now with TV, LK, and Guido gone, we’re left with four nice but somewhat boring people. Hopefully next week’s hometown visits will spice things up again! I can see from the previews that Dani’s family will be providing The Bachelor hometown date standard – the crazy, sexually repressed grandmother! Although I don’t think I’ve ever seen the Bachelor treat that grandma to a lap dance…

So what did you guys think? Should Tila have let LK back in? Was getting rid of Guido the right decision? And why don’t these people recognize Dani as a threat?