Tila Tequila: Dolphin Sex, Strip Clubs, & Awesome Elevators

This week on A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, the gang heads down to Cancun, Mexico for a series of group and individual dates, and Tila narrows down the field to her final two. Also, one member of the terrible trio turns on their comrades and begins a whole lot of shit talking. Who stays, who goes, and who’s debating a sex change, after the jump!

Here’s a hint

As the final three are packing up for their trip to Mexico, Tila drunkenly and haltingly tells us that this is their final chance to really impress her. The girls talk about how they weren’t too sad to see Butterface Ryan get the boot. Bobby, on the other hand, is a little bummed his boy is gone, and makes a comment about those with the innie genitalia outnumbering those with the outie genitalia. Manly Dani calls him out on being threatened, which he vehemently denies while cowering in the corner. The group gathers the suitcases and heads out, Dani telling us she’s confident in her standing in the competition, and poor Bobby revealing he’s never been out of the country before. By the end of this episode, I’m half-convinced he’s never been out of his house before.

They arrive in Mexico and skip into their hotel like it’s a special Cancun episode of “Three’s Company.” Bobby tells us this place is a big step up from the Motel 6, and nearly comes in his pants when he sees there’s an actual, real-life elevator. Once in the room, he continues to make a sticky mess as he exclaims that he’s never seen a hotel with a kitchen, or a bed, or a door. It’s all so fucking crazy! Pamela Amanda voices what we’re all thinking when she tells us that Bobo is kind of a hick.

So you’re saying this magic box, like, moves?!

Tila arrives to announce how Mexico is going to work – during the day they will have fun group activities, but then she will have intimate-intimate private time with one of them each night (more formally known as sexual intercourse). They sit down for drinks, and Tila begins talking to Dani about how great Dani’s coworkers and family are. Amanda fake smiles during their exchange and tells us that all Dani wants is to know what she’s doing from day to day, and that’s so different from Tila’s goals. Amanda, honey, you’re a realtor. How are your goals a better match? Bobby and Tila then talk about his hicksville background, while Dani expresses doubts that Tila is truly interested in Bobby. Finally, Amanda and Tila talk about getting to see Amanda’s serious side, and Bobby tells us he can’t see them together because Amanda is a circus freak, specifically the bearded lady. I could see that – just take those estrogen pills away from her and we should get some muttonchops within a week. Before going to commercial, Amanda confides in us that her goal on this trip to talk as much shit about Dani and Bobby as possible. Charming. Let’s see how that strat works out. Who else is calling right now that the Amazon is heading back to the jungle?

Tila announces that their first fun group activity is the ol’ tropical vacation reality TV show favorite – pissing off dolphins. They jump in the water and start doing the clichéd dancing, riding, and terrorizing activities, while Tila says none of them had even seen dolphins before! Seriously? They’re not ligers or thestrals, people. I’m sure Bobby in particular was like “Whoa these are some huge fucking fish!” Anyway, Tila goes on to describe the experience as orgasmic, and Bobby says it changed his life, which strikes me as extremely sad. Other things that changed Bobby’s life: “Gigli”, McRib sandwiches, and “PopoZão.”

I think Amanda’s going to stay afloat with or without that life vest

Afterwards, the dolphins slink off to figure out that whole attacking thing Bachelorette Jenni was so worried about, and Tila announces that Amanda will be the first dater to taste her Tequila. Dani reflexively makes a disgusted face and is like, DUDE, GROSS. You can tell she doesn’t want Amanda’s sloppy seconds, and who can blame her? Having to go in there wearing a hazard suit is kind of a turn-off.

Amanda gets ready for her date, making sure her makeup is clown-whore heavy and her hair is suitably fried and tattered looking. Amanda, darling, I hope you get a makeover after seeing yourself on this show. As she’s ruining her looks, she taunts Bobby and Dani about having to stay home. Dani takes it in stride, but Bobby bitches a little bit and pouts jealously. He really is a man-child. Assuming they’re our final two, Dani’s too good for Tila, but Tila would bend Bobby over and then kick his ass to the curb within a week. Not that that wouldn’t amuse me.

Over dinner, Tila and Amanda begin talking about how Tila’s the dominant type, and Amanda’s the submissive type. For Tila’s sake I hope Amanda’s submissive, for Amanda could break Tila in two just using her left boob. She could swing that thing around like a nunchuck and that’d be the end. True story. The conversation then segues to Amanda dropping the “Dani’s promiscuous” bomb we’ve seen in all the previews. As Tila sits there trying to hide surprise, Amanda awkwardly – as in seems like she’s making this shit up as she goes along – says Dani cuddles with everyone. That whore! Slap a scarlet A on that bitch right this instant, MTV! Amanda goes on to criticize Dani’s “idea of life,” saying she’s too narrowly focused on work, and then mocks Bobby for being a dumb hick. Tila giggles throughout but doesn’t really encourage Amanda. Ugh, malicious gossip is Not. Attractive. Kind of like her face. (Yes, I’m going to hell, I’ve got the luxury accommodations already booked).

Tila brings Amanda upstairs to her room, where they sip champagne and eat dessert before climbing into a bathtub together. They start playing doctor, and do something with dolphin noises that’s deeply disturbing, before making out hardcore. I still don’t see any chemistry with these two despite Tila lying in between Amanda’s open legs. Which, by the way, was a tad unnecessary to see.

Better get that Hazmat suit ready, Dani

The next morning, Bobby and Dani are waiting for Tila and Amanda to return from their overnight date, and Bobby’s still whining like a little girl who lost his dolly. The ladies walk in, and Bobby snarks that it’s a little gross to stroll up to the breakfast table with your panties in your hand. Okay, I’ll give him that one – that was not the type of cream he wanted for his morning coffee.

Dani and Bobby give them a joking the third degree about their date, but Bobby becomes more and more agitated until he just starts snapping out random veiled insults. First he lectures Tila that dates are supposed to end that same night and not the next morning (evidently Bobby never went to college), and then he criticizes her for not eating enough. He complains to us that Tila and Amanda were being rude and immature (when in fact they barely said anything about their date), which is hilarious because he is acting like a jealous child himself. Tila finally snaps back and calls him an asshole a few times. They patch things up by the end of the meal, but I have the feeling that if Bobby makes the final two, it’ll only be because MTV made Tila have one of each gender.

Tila announces that for their next group date they’ll have to “hang in there” and then prances out of the room, leaving the three to debate what that will entail. Bobby reveals he’s afraid of heights, as he keeps shoveling food down his throat. Probably not the best idea to go into this with a stuffed belly, you idiot. A little while later, the group arrives somewhere in the jungle to do a zip line/canopy tour. Okay, I’ve actually done one of these in Puerto Vallarta, and it was an amazing experience. Highly recommended. That plug for Mexico’s tourism aside, Bobby begins complaining when he’s still on the ground putting on his harness, but it turns out Amanda is much more scared than he is, just not obnoxious enough to bitch about it beforehand. They have to climb a tall, wooden structure to get to their jumping off point, and poor Amanda is shaking and whimpering the whole way up. Dani of course is completely unfazed and scales the structure like a monkey while encouraging the others. Once up there though, she botches a “Titanic” reference which really surprises me since you know she hearts Leo 4 eva.

Dani goes down the zip line first, shrieking and giggling, having an awesome time. Amanda can barely bring herself to look, and tells us she was crying a little bit because she was so scared. The patient guide begins leading her forward, but when he takes off her safety line to attach it to the actual zip line, she begins hyperventilating a bit. Bobby immediately mocks her to us, doing an impression and telling us she needed to change her diaper. Dude, whose ass sat at breakfast – after being a huge douchebag to Tila – and whined that he was so scawed? Has Bobby always sucked this much at life, or is it just really out of control this episode? I’m really hating him right now.

Pop quiz, hot shot: Which one’s Dani, and which one’s Bobby?

Finally Amanda jumps off the platform and she survives, as do Bobby and Tila who quickly follow her down. Afterwards, they sit down to eat and Tila announces that Bobby is getting date number 2. Swell. She mentions that Dani didn’t bring any date clothes – and Dani quickly interjects that she’ll just go naked – so Tila’s arranged for the ladies to go shopping. Dani makes the same face all guys make when presented with that activity.

Amanda drags a kicking and screaming Dani out to the mall while Bobby gets ready for his date. He proudly tells us that he was a “bad boy” this morning at breakfast, almost as if he was being an asshole on purpose to impress Tila. True, many women like a little sass from their men, but implying that she’s a slut and then that she’s anorexic isn’t exactly the smoothest game, player.

Bobby shows up for their date, waddling like he’s stuffed a sock down his jeans. Which I would not put past him. They sit down for dinner, and Tila tells us that there’s a lot she could show and teach to sheltered, naïve Bobby. Anyone else get the “pet project” vibe rather than the romance vibe from this? It’s almost like she looks at him as a toy. They make out a bit, and eventually she invites him to her room and he waddles up there with her. Because we already got the preview downstairs, they merely close the door to the room and fade to black.

At the mall, Amanda tells us she doesn’t give a rat’s ass if Dani actually looks good for this date, and she immediately pulls Dani into a frilly store and hands her a few inches of fabric, insisting it’s so cute. Neither Dani nor I are sure if that’s a top or coochie shorts or what, but it’s not good. Amanda continues to shove girly clothes at Dani, who looks more and more traumatized by the minute, complaining to us that she didn’t know what the fuck was going on. Dani gets half-hysterical after seeing herself in a hideous plaid shirt and tells Amanda that she is fired as her personal shopper. It’s a really cute scene, making me wish we had seen more of them hanging out casually throughout the show.

The horror of this shirt transcends all sexual preference lines

The next morning, Dani has recovered from the trauma and is excited because she knows that today’s her day. Tila and Bobby stroll in, and a little awkwardness ensues again, mostly because Bobby’s smirking at them smugly and Tila fuels the fire by commenting on the tension. Dani toasts to what will be Tila’s best day in Mexico yet, and suggests that instead of breakfast they have brunch tomorrow because Tila will be so worn out from the night of lovin’ ahead of her. Amanda bitches to us that Dani’s confidence pisses her off, which I get, you know what’s more annoying? Being an Amazonian backstabber.

Tila announces that they’ll have the entire hotel to themselves today (Evidently it’s closed for asbestos contamination or something), so they all head out to the pool. After a few minutes of frolicking, Tila pulls Amanda aside to say that Amanda’s catty comments about Dani have been bothering her, and then Tila asks if Amanda has anything else concrete to back them up with. Amanda says that Dani goes to strip clubs three times each week, and manipulatively mentions that that would bother her if she was Tila. Tila tells us this news surprised her, and Amanda tells us that she realized after the fact that Tila didn’t ask her anything about herself at all, but it’s all good since she was able to rip Dani down a bit more. See usually I would assume that when your date just wants to talk about the other person they’re dating, you’re in trouble.

I’m gonna stuff some bills down some panties tonight, hellllllz ya

Dani gets ready for her date, and Amanda tells her that her ankles look chubby. I don’t know if this is supposed to be a lame “Friends” reference or a randomly mean observation, so okay Amazon. Dani meets Tila in Tila’s bedroom – cutting right to the chase here – and Tila immediately asks Dani what she thinks of Amanda. Dani merely says that Amanda’s a good person, and when Tila asks about Bobby, Dani politely refuses to talk shit and says Tila needs to make her own decisions. Wow, an actual mature, logical position. Good for her. How the hell did she ever get involved in this show? Did she get lost on her way to the American Idol auditions?

Meanwhile, Amanda and Bobby decide to play dress up, and Bobby gets into one of Amanda’s dresses which fits him just as well as it fits her – in other words, it’s uncomfortably tight, with unsightly emphasis on the crotch. He even successfully tap dances in heels. I remember he did quite well in the runway challenge in the second episode, so I seriously wonder how much experience he has in drag. The nights in Bumfuck, New York, must get pretty cold and lonely…

At dinner, Dani makes a sweet, sincere toast that moves Tila to tears. Tila admits that the connections she’s forged are deeper than she expected, and Dani tells her it’s amazing to see the “real” Tila who isn’t just acting like a trashy whore. They eventually wind up back in Tila’s room, kissing tenderly.

The next morning, Tila and Dani come in to find Amanda and Bobby about to eat breakfast in bed. Tila and Dani begin feeding each other, and Amanda snidely asks if they’re still on their date. Then when asked what they did on their date, both girls giggle like they have a private joke, which further pisses off Amanda and Bobby. Bobby complains to us that Tila’s happiness with Dani cheapens her happiness with him, and he maturely asks Amanda for a bag he can vomit in. Seriously, Bobby, grow the fuck up. Step one is stop calling yourself “Bobby.”

The gang arrives back in L.A., and goes almost directly to eliminations. Dani is extremely confident, whereas Bobby and Amanda (who looks much better with these shorter hair extensions) are slightly nervous. Sure enough, Dani receives the first key, leaving both Amanda and Bobby to sweat it out and grimace in the background. Bobby tells us that he doesn’t think it’s about gender anymore – she could easily cut him and keep two girls. Actually, Bobby, I don’t think that’s the case at all. In fact, I think the second Dani got a key, Amanda was screwed.

Put your hands on your hips. Uh oh, I didn’t say “Simon Says”! Dani wins!

She calls them both forward and begins to break down at bit as she stares at them dramatically. She finally names Bobby, saying that she thinks he’s sweet, genuine and sexy, and therefore he will be staying. Amanda’s jaw hits the ground from the 10 feet up it usually is at, and Tila tells her that she always made her laugh, but there’s no more keys left. Tila tells us that she just had a deeper connection with Bobby and Dani.

So our final two, as predicted by most of us, are Dani and Bobby. Next week’s a clip show, but after that it’s the finale, so who do you think will win it all – a girl or a guy? I’m definitely picking Dani, even though she is too good for Tila. And what did you think about this week’s episode? Was it just me, or was Bobby a huge tool? Did Amanda’s shit talking dig her own grave, or was Tila forced to keep one boy and one girl? And does Bobby look better in drag than he does normally?