Tila Tequila: Either Way, Dani Wins

Here we are guys, the last episode of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. Tonight it’s all down to Dani for the ladies versus Bobby for the boys. Let’s join Tila as she makes what she calls the most difficult decision of her life. See, I would have thought the most difficult decision was deciding what kind of alcohol to name herself after. I still think she should have gone with Beefeaters.

Zima?

The episode begins with Dani and Bobby meeting Tila at a recording studio, so they can learn a little bit more about her. After all, she’s a musician, she writes her own stuff, and spends a lot of time in the studio. Hmm, writes her own music, you say? Let’s take a look at these lyrics: “I ain’t tryin to f*ck ya man / Lookin’ at my Myspace, lotion in his hand / When he look at you he be thinking about me / Take your Benz back bitch, now I got the key.” Tila, honey, I’d advise no longer advertising you wrote these, mmkay?

Dani and Bobby walk in and Tila greets them both with a big hug. Dani tells us something about Tila glowing, but I’m so distracted by Dani’s heavy eye makeup that I don’t really pay attention. She doesn’t look bad, exactly, but it’s just really strange. I was less surprised to see Bobby in drag in Mexico than I am to see Dani with makeup on here. Maybe that says something about Bobby…

Tila plays them her “hit” single “I Love U” – which also happens to be the theme music for this show – and seductively lip synchs while Dani and I laugh at her. Dani tells us that she loves Tila’s music and flat-out lies to us when she says she would totally buy the album. Yes, I can so see Dani blasting that at the firehouse, can’t you? Tila then announces that she wants Dani and Bobby to both write lyrics to the instrumental portion (read: over synthesized respite from Tila’s shouting of obscenities) of the song. Dani’s totally down for that, but Bobby immediately begins whining. Shocker.

This guy worked with Paris, Jessica and Tila. Someone get the pitchforks and torches ready.

After some time for writing, Bobby’s up first. He begins by whispering like a serial killer before busting out some bad white-boy, rhythmless rap and calling himself Bobby B. It’s awful and honestly I think I’d rather listen to Adam from The Real World: Paris than Bobby. Not like I want to listen to Adam. Playing tapes of these two over and over would be more effective than Chinese water torture. Dani squeals with laughter and announces that Bobby’s rap was “so gay.” Glad she said it and not me.

Dani gets up for her turn, and also begins with a spoken part before launching into her rap – which she basically screams. I totally jumped in surprise and began cracking up, for it’s so out of character. The lyrics actually aren’t that bad, and she definitely has more rhythm than Bobby B: “When I came on this trip I didn’t expect much / I thought I’d come here with a bunch of sluts / I thought I’d get drunk and maybe hook up / Who’d have thought that I’d fall in love?” Tila tells us that Dani rocked it, and Dani gloats a bit about kicking Bobby’s ass while he tries to not start crying.

Next up is a photo shoot, because Tila wants to show them her modeling side. Last time I checked, an appearance in Maxim does not make you a model – it simply means the pages with your pictures are going to get stuck together. Tila poses individually with both of them in sexually suggestive ways, very reminiscent of New York’s fantasy photo shoot with It and Cheezy this season. I really wish those images would get out of my head (and while I’m on the topic of I Love New York - get well soon, Bailey Quarters!). Bobby’s hair gets slicked back and he looks pretty good in the tux they put him in. Dani, on the other hand, has to put on an ill-fitting and uggo black dress that makes her look terrible. Given her masculine taste in clothes, she’s practically in drag. Bobby tells us that he knows he had a “meaner pose” than Dani, but both sets of pictures turn out even worse than when Tyra pretends to be a photographer on ANTM. Tila then takes them both outside for a few Tarzan-themed group shots, which again put Dani at a disadvantage, as she’s forced to stand awkwardly behind Tila while Tila gropes and rubs up on Bobby. There’s too little between Dani and that loincloth for her liking.

Shit, did I get white marks on this dress?

Back at the house, Tila’s wearing a gorgeous blue cocktail dress and surprises Dani and Bobby by announcing that their families will be joining them for dinner. We have Bobby’s mom, step dad (still rocking the mullet and handlebar mustache I see), and little brother, as well as Dani’s mom and skunk-haired cousin. First off – where the hell is Dani’s grandmother? If I’m going to sit through more family time, I want to see some more geriatric lap dances, goddammit. Second – why are we seeing the families again? I would much rather see Tila’s family or her friends, rather than just repeat something we’ve already done. Or better yet – bring back some of the former contestants and have them work with the final two a la The Apprentice or Top Chef. Who wouldn’t love to see Guido, Professor Ashley, Amanda, and Tranny Vanny have to help convince Tila to pick either Bobby or Dani? Offer some free booze and you know at least TV would be there in a heartbeat.

Anyway, Tila takes the families on a tour of “her” house, showing them the gigantic bed where all the competitors slept. Bobby’s mom is unfazed, telling us that Bobby’s a snuggler and kind of into that group thing anyway. She also reveals that he slept in her bed with her until he was 6 years old. You know that’s about the time he stopped breast-feeding too. It explains a lot.

They all sit down to dinner and immediately notice something that’s never been shown to us before – the multi-tiered chandelier above the dining room table is made out of silver vibrators. Hey there’s nothing wrong with recognizing that some items have multiple uses. For example, my roommate’s anal beads double as a cute necklace. Some of the family members seem put-off, but not Cowboy Bill, who looks mildly intrigued by the concept.

How difficult would you say it’d be to get one of those doo-hickeys down? The missus and I could use a little fun.

The conversation takes a serious turn as Tila talks about how much she cares about the two finalists. Both moms begin talking up their children to Tila, and Mrs. Bobby eventually announces to Mrs. Dani that “no offense, but Bobby’s much cuter.” Ouch, that’s just cold. Everyone knows that anytime a sentence is started with “no offense” it’s going to be offensive as hell. No offense, but your halitosis is causing birds to drop dead from the sky. No offense, but those pants make your ass look fatter than it normally does. No offense, but you’re a dirty whore who should have learned something from your sister, Jamie Lynn. See? It never ends well. Dani’s mom takes the insult in stride, while Mrs. Bobby continues sticking her foot in her mouth because she’s a stupid fat bitch. No offense.

Tila takes the families down to the strip club in the basement, and Mrs. Bobby immediately blinds me by sliding up and down on a pole. Bobby and I are both scarred for life. Tila gets up to give a demonstration of proper pole dancing, while Cowboy Bill and Bobby’s brother grin idiotically and resist the urge to touch themselves. Their restraint is rewarded a few moments later, when Tila’s boobies come spilling out the top of her dress. After readjusting with some help from Mrs. Dani, Tila flounces over to the brother, grabs his head, and grinds it against her chest. He doesn’t seem to mind her being touchy-feely this time around. Nothing like a face full of silicone to change a guy’s mind.

Welcome to what strip clubs in hell must look like.

The next morning the families are gone, and Dani and Bobby are both crabby and anxious about that night’s final elimination. They complain a bit about their mixed up emotions, and then find a message from Tila telling them she’s arranged for a day of pampering and relaxation. As they enjoy pedicures, both Dani and Bobby flash back on how they got to the final two, and we revisit their journeys from the very beginning to now. We don’t really see anything new in these montages so I won’t rehash them, but I definitely got the feeling that Dani’s showed more of a development of true feelings. But then again, I’m terribly biased since I’m so pro-Dani.

Tila comes to get Dani for their final dinner. After Dani briefly explains why she thinks she’s the better match for Tila, she presents her with a small gift. It’s a key chain with a note inside that has Dani’s phone number on it so they can arrange from some quickies after Tila picks Bobby. Seriously, it seems as if Dani expects not to get chosen, and is practically giving Tila the green light to pick Bobby. Dani explains that the note is also to show that no matter what, Tila can call and rely on Dani regardless of what happens or how far apart they are. Tila loves the gift, and they retire to some pillows for cuddling and chaste kissing. I’m getting worried, y’all.

A scrap of paper! How fucking cheap of you!

Tila then meets Bobby for their final date in the hot tub. They sit there awkwardly, as Bobby yet again is struck with a case of the nerves. He finally gets comfortable enough to pull out his humongous… gift bag (what were YOU thinking?), and she opens it up to find an ugly floppy journal inside. He tells her it’s so she has a place to jot down lyrics and compose songs. Oh, fantastic. Does that mean we get more lyrics like these: “I put down my city and I get-get-gridy / Yeah motherf*cker that’s what’s up / And just because you’re a girl pretty / With some big ass t*tties / Don’t mean I won’t f*ck you up”? After the gift, Tila tries to ask him how he’ll feel if she picks Dani instead, but Bobby doesn’t want to talk about that. He does note that Dani’s a really good dresser, like himself. Bobby, half the time you look like you’re going to the rodeo, fyi. So they make out instead – much more than she did with Dani.

It’s finally time for the elimination. Bobby bowleggedly (seriously, dude looks like he just got off the saddle) walks up to where Tila’s waiting on a platform, while talking about how he’s been the underdog from day one. I don’t think that’s true at all – if either one of them is an underdog, it’s Dani, for Tila has told us tons of times that she’s never really been interested in a butch, manly girl. Dani then begins walking towards the platform, telling us that it’s going to break her heart if she isn’t chosen.

Already near tears, Tila gives them the normal “this decision is so hard, I love you both” speech that’s a staple for these dating shows. She tells Dani that once Dani began warming up to her, they had an amazing connection, and that Dani’s the best of both worlds. She turns to Bobby, and says he constantly makes her laugh, makes her comfortable and literally fought for her. See, I wouldn’t say he fought – it was more like Professor Ashley beat his ass and he just took it. Eh, semantics.

She finally cuts to the chase, and announces that she wants to take a shot at love with … Bobby?! What the hell? Bobby’s eyebrows shoot up in shock, and my jaw drops to the floor. Are you fucking kidding me? As Tila hangs the key around Bobby’s neck and they embrace, Dani does the classy thing and respectfully walks away. Meanwhile, Tila’s still swapping spit with Bobby as the music changes to an ominous song, and flashbacks of Tila kissing Dani begin to splice into shots of her kissing Bobby. Is she going to change her mind? I’m so confused.

Does this mean I get to see more of those ellyvaytor things and go to exotic locales like Ohio with you?

Bobby lets go of Tila, and Tila finally realizes Dani is gone, and takes off after her calling her name. Upon hearing it, Dani stops dead in her tracks and turns around hopefully while Bobby nervously plays with the key necklace. Honestly, this whole thing seems a little staged to me – just too many cameras in the right places for such a sudden, dramatic moment. Tila catches up to Dani, and they embrace with Tila sobbing out an apology. As Tila tells us, she loves Dani, but she’s in love with Bobby. After all, what’s not to love? The rampant insecurity? The sophomoric humor? The trashy family? Dani leaves for good this time, telling us that she really thought it was real and that she just doesn’t know what she’s going to do now. Here’s my advice – put yourself back out there, and you’ll have more women than you can handle fighting over you – both gay and straight, judging from the comments here at the ‘gasm! Dani rocks, how can you not have a girl-crush on her?

Stupid vagina. Why couldn’t I have had a penis?

Tila returns to Bobby, and he tells her that he didn’t think he was going to win. That makes two of us. She tells him she’s excited to be his lover, his boo, and maybe even his wifey. There are so many things wrong with that sentence. First, does anyone still use the term “boo” anymore? And second, both the word and the idea of “wifey” make me want to hurl. And third, stop pretending you aren’t going to be sick of his sheltered, small-town ass within a few weeks at most. They both tell us that they found the love they were looking for, and Tila leads him up to her bedroom and closes the door. How romantic! I wonder if they have a similar chandelier in there…

That’s our last regular episode guys, but there’s a reunion on this Sunday with the entire, lovable cast that I’ll be doing a quick pre-Christmas recap for. So tell me what you think – did Tila make the right decision? Were you as shocked as I was that she picked Bobby? And do you think there’s any chance of this relationship lasting longer than a few weeks? My honest take on this is that Tila really did have a stronger connection to Dani, and truly did care for Dani more. But she took the coward’s way out, got too scared at the thought of having a real relationship with a woman, and picked Bobby because he’s safer and trainable, like a dimwitted puppy. Oh well. Even though she lost, Dani’s still walking away the winner. Team Dani!