Tila Tequila: Gay, Straight, & Aladdin

This week on A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, we pick up exactly where we left off – Tila dropping the bomb that she’s a slutty attention whore. And a bisexual. Needless to say, the news does not go over well with the group. Well, except for douchebaggery-spokesmodel Marcus, who quickly points out there a lot more broads now to spread his various diseases to. This receives a collective heeeeeeell to the no from the lesbians. And I think it’s safe to say from most straight women as well.

I will hit 3 million Myspace friends if it’s the last thing I do!

The sexes mingle, and Guido tells us that there are obviously lesbians in his fake home country of Italy, but they don’t show off like they do here. Pamela Amanda maturely says that this is a good opportunity for the guys to realize the difference between real lesbians and drunk sorority girls making out in bars. We then cut directly to butterface Ryan saying that Tila’s going to be choosing between the penis and the vagina, and he hopes she chooses his penis. I don’t think he’s going to be learning anything from this experience except which STDs are treatable, and which you just have to wait for the rash to pass. Professor Ashley doesn’t see the bisexuality as a problem, as long as there are some ground rules: “If she’s gonna be in a bisexual relationship, I’m gonna be number one. Yeah, granted, I will let number two come in if she wants to be a hot girl…” Of everyone, candy-haired Lala is the most upset about the big bisexual reveal, and she hovers at the edge of the crowd. Professor Ahs.

Vanessa, whose butt-floss bikini clearly indicates she is here for the right reasons, grabs Tila for some alone time. Vanessa perches uncomfortably on a lawn chair, and she and Tila commiserate about how difficult it is to determine if you’re straight or gay. My gay friends all say it wasn’t really a question for them – they just knew – so I’m going to call bullshit on Vanessa being a lesbian right here. The fact that she stars as a naughty referee in a video on Maxim.com isn’t really helping either. I can’t figure this girl out. She’s like that two-faced chick in that Seinfeld episode – sometimes she’s really hot, and sometimes she just looks like a man. Because of that, I hereby dub her Tranny Vanny.

Maxim – and Tila – needs to do some quality control.

Meanwhile, Virgin Eric and Professor Ashley are chatting with Steffanie and the skunk hanging out on top of Grace’s head. The Professor’s doing a little research for his upcoming lecture on GBLT issues, and asks the ladies if they’re just exploring their sexuality or what. Both girls indignantly inform him that they are indeed lesbians, and Steffanie hilariously points out that her appearance pretty much let that cat out of the bag. She’s the kind of lesbian that would make Rosie O’Donnell hold up and say, “Shit, that girl is butch.”

Eric and the Professor aren’t the only two offending the girls. Across the pool, Guido is making inane remarks to Virgin Ashli, front-runner Rebecca, and Brandi (who is likely bff with Shauvon and Trasha, judging by her two-toned hair). Out of the blue, Guido gestures to Brandi’s bikini and calls it disrespectful. Granted, Brandi’s boobs may come flying out of the tiny top any second, but she looks hot. And Guido, you’re wearing a banana hammock. Enough said. The girls retaliate by pointing at the tiny Italy inside Guido’s speedo, and the sexes squabble. The conversation’s hard to understand, with Guido’s fauxcent becoming more garbled by the minute, but I definitely heard a reference to unruly pubes in there. And I’m done eating for tonight.

It-sa the natural foliage of my-sa country, ya?

Tila wanders over, and Brandi – who had confessionaled that her strategy is to stir shit up and get the guys eliminated – immediately begins tattling. She claims that Guido said that Tila made out with a lot of the guys, and she’s never going to pick a woman. Well, unless that’s on the editing room floor, that’s a big lie. Wrestler Rob tells us that he thinks Brandi was making up some of the things she accused Guido of saying, and suspects the girls may try to gang up on the guys. Hey Rob – just cuz the girls don’t have dicks doesn’t mean they can’t stick it to ya. As the name-calling ensues, Marcus grabs Tila and pulls her away from the crowd.

Marcus tells Tila that he’s going to give it to her straight, since he’s been observing everyone – girls, dudes, transvestites, whatever it is in that group. He begins babbling stupid shit, and Tila looks bored out of her mind, glancing around and trying to get a word in edgewise. Guido comes back over to defend himself, and Marcus gives him a sexual thrill by manhandling him and shoving him into the pool. Undaunted, a dripping wet (which puts wayyy too much emphasis on Little Italy, btw) Guido comes right back, this time bringing the Professor as protection. As the two morons begin yelling, Guido plops down next to Tila and begins cuddling with her like a lapdog, earning back her trust. Well played, little gay man, well played.

Marcus gives the Professor a little shove, and they begin a mock-wrestling tickle fight, practically mounting each other. Seriously, there’s not a single punch thrown, they just roll around together. Tila and Guido escape as some poor, underpaid PAs rush in to break it up. The girls laugh and cluck like hens about how inappropriate the tickle fight is, while Rebecca takes advantage of the opportunity to cop a feel on Tila.

I know, they feel totally real, right? I must give you the name of my doctor!

As the madness continues, Rebecca further cements her front-runner status by drawing an upset Tila away to lounge together on a nearby bed. After avoiding puncturing the bed with her practical stilettos, Rebecca wipes away Tila’s tears and comforts our sexually confused heroine. Tila seems to really like this girl, and Rebecca does seem to genuinely be interested, so I’m definitely rooting for Rebecca at this point. While the guys stand around scratching themselves and looking confused, a bunch of the other girls join Rebecca and Tila on the bed to offer more support. Tila tells us that it was great the way the girls were looking after each other, but she noticed that Lala had taken off.

Sure enough, Lala is living up to the man-hating lesbian stereotype and refuses to stay now that there are men there, too. She marches out of the house, and Tila runs down the street after her. Tila tries to convince Lala to stay, saying she wanted to go down on, err I mean was down with, her, but Lala insists that she has to go. Tila says goodbye, and checks in with the other girls to make sure they’re okay with the boys being around. Lala, meanwhile, makes a less-than-graceful exit.

Next time you want to make a dramatic exit, I suggest flats.

Tila takes Virgin Ashli aside for some one-on-one, worried that Ashli may be even more freaked out by the guys than the other lesbians. Ashli tells us that she’s open to being intimate with Tila and turn over her v-card. Does it strike anyone else as weird that this girl is a virgin, just came out of the closet, and promptly went on a reality show? And is now talking about giving it up? I smell opportunist here.

Professor Ashley has finally calmed down, and is hanging out with Tila and Tranny Vanny. The Professor tells Tila he’s down with her and her bisexuality, and tells us, “A couple of my girlfriends is lesbians, and they told me later on in the relationship, ‘Yo, I’m a lesbian’ and I’m like ‘All right, that’s cool.” Is dating the Professor the last straw for girls trying to convince themselves they’re hetero, or is the Professor so clueless to subtle hints that the only way girls can break up with him is to lie and say they’re gay? Discuss. He tells Tila that he thinks she’s hotter than Tranny Vanny, and a flattered Tila asks TV if she thinks the Professor is hot. TV quickly and emphatically replies NO, and I totally agree. When my semi-retarded cat can outscore a man on an IQ test, he’s not really doing it for me.

Seriously, he could take him. Even drunk.

We get a brief glimpse of an actual mature, sensitive conversation when dancer Alex tells Krystal and Easy Sara that if a girl says she’s not interested in men, he respects that and won’t try anything with her. The ladies are impressed, with Easy Sara even telling us she wished Alex were gay. Alex is obviously too normal for this show, and I predict he won’t last long.

Meanwhile, Tila announces to everyone within earshot that Eddie is a proud v-card toting member. Pamela Amanda can’t believe it, and patronizingly calls him adorable and then tells us Eddie plays Aladdin at Disneyland. That actually explains a lot. Aladdin was such a closet case, he totally was feeling Genie more than Jasmine, come on. Since Eddie’s hot and hasn’t said anything about waiting for marriage or anything like that, I think he may be the perfect Aladdin if you catch my drift. Tila asks if Pamela Amanda would want to sleep with Eddie, and a horrified Pamela Amanda is like, omg no, gross, before quickly apologizing for being mean. Hey, at least she’s honest.

Which is more than I can say about Tranny Vanny. Hanging out with Bobby and club promoter Steven (from Dothan, Alabama, population 58,525 and a kick ass website), TV tells them she thinks they’re the hottest guys, then tells us that she’s going to use her sex appeal to get the guys to like her then get rid of them. Steven, who calls himself a perfect 10, thinks he can make it happen with any girl. As much as I don’t like TV, it’d be hilarious if she got him to make a pass at her to get him eliminated.

Time for the competition! Tila tells the guys that they need to walk a mile in women’s high-heeled shoes. Pizza boy Michael isn’t too worried, since he’s worn heels before with his sister. And made out with her on his momma’s couch. In Kentucky evidently. Perfect 10 Steven jams his perfect foot in some pumps and quickly learns a lesson all of us ladies know – open-toed heels are much more comfortable. Normal Alex (who had just told us he would never be caught on camera in heels) and Bobby rock the runway, and Rob nearly kills himself trying to do the splits in some pink, fluffy stilettos. Guido, as expected, looks more comfortable in heels than any of the lesbians, and merrily prances down the runway. The Professor makes his students proud by stripping down to his tighty-whities for his trip down the red carpet. On his turn, Marcus successfully (dammit) completes a back flip. I was really hoping for him to land on his head, repeating what he surely experienced as a baby. Marcus then exposes himself to the ladies who hide their faces in horror. Pamela Amanda, in particular, is traumatized.

This one speaks for itself.

For the ladies’ challenge, all the lesbians have to do is complete 20 pushups while the guys stand around and enjoy the view of the butt floss. It’s pretty easy for them to all complete, and Rob suggests that they should have to piss standing up instead. I would totally be down for that. Another challenge I would like to see: the guys inserting tampons. As the girls stand around and congratulate themselves afterwards, douchebag Marcus darts forward and slaps Easy Sara on the ass. Pissed, Easy Sara tells Pamela Amanda, who immediately begins calling Marcus out for being an insufferable waste of space. Tila gets wind of the drama, and Marcus denies the accusations at first before admitting that he “patted” it, as in “good job.” He’s so going home.

The third competition involves a foam party. Tila, staring oddly straight ahead, announces there are three poker chips hidden in the foam, granting each finder some alone time with her before elimination. Now for those of you who don’t know what a foam party is, it’s basically filling an enclosed space with bubbles and then running around in it, getting soaked and rubbing on other people. Not like I know from experience. Everyone dives in, crawling around on their hands and knees in search of the chips. Skunkhead Grace really wants a chip, and tells us that she thinks she’s hanging by a thread, and pizza boy Michael admits that he wasn’t even looking, since he was just hoping to touch someone else’s boobs than his sister’s.

Rebecca finds the first chip, not like she needed more time with Tila. Virgin Eddie and Eric, a cute but so far forgettable guy, are the other winners. Inside, Tila immediately lays down in Rebecca’s lap while Rebecca strokes Tila’s ass and thigh. Eddie and Eric shift to hide their erections, as Tila questions Eddie on his sexual history. She asks if he’s ever kissed a girl, and he says yes in an entirely non-convincing way, while looking like a cornered rat. Tila pushes, asking if he wants to kiss her and he says he “could” but then fails to take her up on the blatant invitation. So Tila makes out more with Rebecca instead, before crawling over to Eric for a little flirting. Eddie tells us that he’s not usually so scared, but right now he’s trying to steer clear of anything sexual. Wtf is wrong with this guy? Virgin is one thing, but if you’re too shy to even kiss the girl, what are you doing on a reality dating show? Bah-bye, Aladdin.

Genie, save me!

Tila leaves to deliberate upstairs. Professor Ashley, Steffanie, Bobby, and Tranny Vanny are worried, Easy Sara wants Marcus out, Brandi wants Guido out, and Marcus is of course overly confident. Tila tells us that she just hopes she doesn’t eliminate the person who could be the one.

At the elimination ceremony, Tila quickly dispatches of Virgin Eddie (who now chooses to kiss Tila as he turns in his key), skunkhead Grace, and Steffanie. Tila then calls out pizza boy Michael as the fourth designated driver. But instead of showing him the door, she merely asks if he’s capable of manning it up a little bit more for her. Shouldn’t she be having this conversation with, I dunno, Guido?! Michael swears that he’ll stop talking about his momma’s couch and his various exploits with his sister, and Tila gives him a pass this time. Instead, she calls out Marcus for being a disrespectful asshole. First Janice Dickinson, now this. I wonder what reality show he’ll wind up on next? Besides COPS, that is. As Marcus leaves, Professor Ashley tells us how relieved he is since Marcus is just stupid. You know that saying about stones and glass houses, Ash? Hmm, probably not, nevermind.

Tila announces to the remaining 17 contestants that they’ll all be moving into the mansion with her, before bending over and shaking her ass for the cheering crowd. Yes, she’s definitely serious about finding true love. They all cheer and take a shot at love. Or vodka. Whatever.