Tila Tequila: Heaven and Hell

Yes!

Ah, yes. The episode of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila we’ve been waiting for. We’ve got sex dolls and fistfights and ambulances, oh my! Join me as we watch our dirtiest – and most entertaining – episode yet!

So after last week’s sex mystery and resulting witch hunt, we open the next morning with Brandi and Steven both in shock that Tila kept them after Rebeccagate. Brandi wants to talk to Tila more without letting herself get distracted by any of the other men or women in the house, but Steven’s more cocky, and not too worried about his status.

I will not spread my diseases to anyone but Tila… I will not spread my diseases to anyone but Tila…

First thing in the morning, the group finds a note from Tila announcing the first annual bi-athalon, guys against girls. Butterface Ryan wastes no time assuring us that there’s nothing bi about him, except he occasionally invites his buddies over for appletinis, screenings of The Wizard of Oz, and tickle fights. Manly Dani is confident that she can take on several of the guys. Well, just to make sure that fight is fair, Dani’d have to be blindfolded, with one arm tied behind her back. The remaining dudes aren’t exactly tough.

Tila’s waiting for them outside, wearing a zebra costume. Oh wait, that’s only what Professor Ashley thought it was. It’s actually a slutty referee outfit. She announces the rules – they’ll blow up a Tila doll (made of 100% plastic as opposed to the 25% plastic real version), and with the doll in hand run through the tire course, crawl under the army net, dig through a sandpit for a necklace, and then climb over an inflatable ramp. First team to get all of its members through the course gets their choice of alone time activities with Tila.

After the guys cheer 1-2-3-Team Penis (for realz), Virgin Ashli and Momma’s Boy Michael are up first. Michael blows the fuck out of the Tila doll (brain’s going to explode… too many jokes…), as Ashli struggles to get her inflated. Tila and the crowd heckle poor Ashli, and Tranny Vanny says she was just screaming “blow, virgin, blow virgin, go!” It’s just another Tuesday afternoon for Tranny Vanny.

But after Ashli, Steven, and Sara finish, the score is tied 2-2. Next up is Guido versus Tranny Vanny. Tranny Vanny’s taking her time doing what she does best, and Guido hits the ramp before Tranny Vanny’s even out on the course. But alas our little gay boy can’t get up the ramp, and keeps sliding down. Not only is this ramp tilted at like only a 30-degree angle, but it’s got footholds for crissakes. TV manages to overtake Guido, and they both finish at the same time.

Professor Ashley rips through the course in approximately 6 seconds, as if Tila were waiting for him at the end chowing down on biscuits ‘n gravy while watching Friday Night Smackdown. Something lit a fire under that boy’s ass. It comes down to just Butterface Ryan for the boys, with Brandi and Manly Dani still left for the girls. Brandi finishes quickly, and Dani is just starting to blow up her doll as Ryan begins the course. But Ryan gets stuck in the sandpit, unable to locate the necklace. He’s just sort of canvassing the area, unable to find the one crucial part. This speaks volumes about Ryan in the bedroom. Anyway, this delay allows Dani to come from behind (heh) and win the bi-athalon for the ladies! Forget Michigan versus Appalachian State – this is the biggest upset in sports history!

A little to the left… no back to the right a bit… dammit Ryan!

The girls celebrate as the guys throw shit, bitch and moan, and generally act like the graceful losers we know them to be. Ryan tells us that it was hard losing to a bunch of he-shes. Hey watch it, don’t generalize based on Tranny Vanny. Just as I’m about to award him the cultural sensitively prize of the week, Guido tells us that technically lesbians are men. Hmm, it’s a toss-up. I’m just going to declare a tie. They’re both douchebags.

Would you like to share my mom’s couch with me?

As the winners, the girls get to choose between going to heaven or hell with Tila. The lesbians say they want to go to heaven, as bible-thumpers everywhere laugh scornfully. They all dress up in semi-transparent skimpy angel outfits, except for Manly Dani, who looks like a lost GAP employee in a white button-down shirt and khaki pants. After a short limo ride, they arrive at a house that is literally decorated completely in white. Better put a towel down before having any one-on-one time with Tila.

Besides the high stain probability, the house is awesome, with an oxygen bar, raw bar, gigantic Jacuzzi and a full-sized boat floating in the pool. Tila takes each girl aside for 7 minutes in heaven, which is really just talking and not letting some sweaty 13-year-old boy jam his tongue down your throat. Tila meets with Sara first, and tells Sara she likes outgoing, crazy girls. Sara then promptly tells her she enjoys staying home every night, knitting and playing with her 12 cats. She says she was wondering if Tila likes her, and I think it’s safe to say the answer is now no.

Can I interest you in our new cashmere cardigans or double-breasted peacoats?

When Tila starts to pull Brandi away for their alone time, Tila begins screaming hysterically and hops up into Brandi’s arms. At first I thought it was because she got a good look at Brandi’s hair in direct sunlight, but it turns out Brandi stepped on and killed a little lizard. Tila runs away, leaving Brandi staring at the road kill and sniffling back tears. Which in all honesty, is how I would react, too. It was cute. And now you have lizard brains on your $200 boots. Not cool. Tila tells us she was so freaked out that she couldn’t even have her alone time with the Lizard Killer anymore. Lizard Killer fearfully tells us that she really needed that alone time after Rebeccagate, and now knows she’s going home.

Later that night, it’s time for the guys to go to hell. Tila takes the boys downstairs to the strip club, and reveals a secret door leading to her dungeon. Inside, she makes them all put on leather cuffs as the guys stare in fear and arousal at various bondage and S&M devices scattered throughout the room. Hey, as long as she’s not burning you with cigarettes or clipping anything to your genitals, consider yourselves lucky. FYI, don’t Google this stuff. It ain’t pretty. Thanks to this show, my browser history is… interesting to say the least.

Tila whips Professor Ashley for a while, but when he moans instead of screams, she angrily locks him up in a cage instead. Bad slave! Next, she goes after Guido, strapping him on a board and tickling him while he shrieks and convulses. I would have loved to see her stick a stiletto where the sun don’t shine. Oh well. She drips hot melted wax all over Butterface Ryan, who makes some disturbing O faces that won’t be getting out of my mind for a while. Tila even drips the wax on his teeny mister, while Ryan tries not to blow his load on national television.

What all of your childrens’ teachers do on their weekends.

During the one-on-one times, Ashley tells Tila he’s in love with her, and both his and my eyes well up with tears at the same time. Only he’s not laughing so hard he may pee himself. Tila giggles uncomfortably, and tells us that something’s a little off about Ashley. Honey, we knew that from week one when he compared your vajayjay to sweet and sour pork. He’s a stupid, crazy hick. Have you seen “Deliverance”, Tila? Get the fuck out of there!

The next morning, Lizard Killer’s tramp stamp reads another message from Tila, saying that while Tila’s starting to get feelings for them, it’s time for them to start feeling Tila. Excited, the group runs to meet Tila, who’s waiting for them looking fantastic in some pink satin underwear. She tells them that they’ll each have 5 minutes to massage her, and afterwards the best guy and girl will join her in a hot tub for one last chat before eliminations.

Professor Ashley is eager, knowing that Tila will feel the power of his love. I don’t think that’ll be the only thing grazing her back. Sara is worried and really wants the alone time, and Lizard Killer is actually confident, having gone to massage school.

So everyone takes their turn straddling Tila, with most of the “massages” being less massage and more dry humping than the last. Exceptions are Butterface Ryan and Lizard Killer, who both seem to give actual massages, and Virgin Ashli, who stands next to the table and gingerly touches Tila with just her fingertips. Hell, even Ross Gellar gave a better massage to that old guy. As they watch everyone go, Pamela Amanda and Professor Ashley don’t take it well, and Pamela Amanda even tears up watching the spectacle. Guido’s massage in particular is upsetting, as he basically tosses Tila’s salad while conversing with her anus. It must be the language barrier.

Ew, lesbians are gross. Ford Models, call me!

As she’s announcing her winners, Tila says she chose based on those who were respectful to her body while still making sure that she enjoyed the massage. See, this is why I don’t give Tila too much shit. Sure, she’s kind of slutty and whorish at times, but she still has self-respect and doesn’t reward those who simply treat her like a piece of ass. To be honest, I actually like the girl. I wonder if she wants to be my Myspace friend? She picks Ryan and Lizard Killer to join her in the hot tub. The rest of the group takes the news pretty hard, and Professor Ashley warns us that he loves Tila so much he’s willing to take the other guys out, one by one.

In the hot tub, Ryan and Lizard Killer fight for attention, and Lizard Killer kisses Tila for the first time while Ryan pretends not to watch. When Tila surfaces for air, Ryan claims some lip herpes of his own by immediately kissing her himself. Meanwhile, the rest of the contestants sit around the house and comment on the building tension. Hey guys, if you need to get some of that out of your system, there are always those Tila dolls.

Elimination’s coming early this episode, for the previews have shown us this one’s going to be good. Tonight, Tila’s kicking one guy and one girl to the curb. My (unspoiled) predictions are for Professor Ashley and Sara to say goodbye. And whoever’s ass that is in the ambulance in the previews. Woo hoo! Ryan’s called first, followed by Pamela Amanda, Virgin Ashli (who the Professor mistakes for himself at first), Momma’s Boy Michael, Guido, Lizard Killer, Tranny Vanny, and Steven.

Ironic person for Tranny Vanny to stand next to.

At this point, Tila asks the remaining four without keys to step forward – Professor Ashley, Manly Dani, Sara, and Bobby. Throughout the elimination ceremony so far we’ve seen Ashley looked freaked out, and heard him comment that he has to get a key, but he’s scared. Get ready for a nervous breakdown, folks.

Dani is given a key first, after Tila warns her that the fire is getting cold. She then eliminates Sara. Score one for LoLo! Tila announces that this is her last key, as both boys stare at her and try not to rip the damn thing out of her hands. Both of them tell us that they’re falling in love with Tila, with Ashley elaborating on that by talking about 2.5 kids, a dog, and a white picket fence. Finally, Tila announces that she’s keeping Bobby as Professor Ashley begins agitatedly rubbing his jaw and pulling his hair out. Two out of two!

Bobby returns to his seat and Ashley points a finger at Tila and tearfully announces that he’s fallen in love with her. He says he has to speak his piece about each contest, starting from the biggest asshole on down. Ashley says Bobby has a real purty mouth but is just a bleepin’ frat boy, Steven is a snake in the grass, Guido is a pervert (which upsets Guido and is surprising, because Ashley’s always defended Guido in the past), and the girls are collectively confused and screwed up.

Actually, Guido, I’m agreeing with the Professor on that one.

As Ashley’s gearing up to tell Ryan he’s going to make him squeal like a pig, Bobby begins muttering under his breath about what a wackjob Ashley has turned out to be. Hearing it, Ashley storms over to Bobby, pushing several people out of the way, and grabs Bobby in a headlock. The other guys and production assistants galore rush in to break it up, and hilariously Tranny Vanny jumps into the fray, grabbing Ashley by the face. Honey, I know you’re tough, and a transvestite and all, but leave this one to the real boys.

Sure enough, TV winds up getting shoved backwards on a couch, and Bobby himself goes nuts, bright red in the face and yelling that he doesn’t hit girls, even post-op ones. The PAs manage to calm him down, while another group of underpaid MTV employees escort Ashley from the house. As he’s being dragged out, Ashley begs Tila to watch the show and see how he was really there for her, and see who was the true man. Umm, if you think this show made you look good, you’re even crazier than I thought. Outside, Ashley begins banding on doors and windows while screaming Tila’s name. Everyone inside is scared. He finally leaves, violently knocking over a few prop plants on his way down the steps. Is that what you do to your students when they confuse “there” and “their”, Professor?

Whoa, I’ve only seen stuff like this in the movies my mommy lets me rent.

There’s some more screaming, crying and cussing (and an apology to his momma for that. She in turn apologizes to all of us for letting those pro-lifers scare her off from the clinic). But at this point, I’m no longer laughing but more disturbed. Back inside, everyone’s standing around confused and in shock when they realize Bobby’s gone and has gone outside. At first I thought he was stupid enough to go after Ashley, where he would definitely be killed, but it turns out he got injured during their fight and had crawled off somewhere to die in peace and away from cameras. Tila calls an ambulance, and Bobby is taken away to the hospital for x-rays. She climbs in the ambulance with him, telling us that this made her realize she really likes him. Nothing like some broken ribs to get some pity affection, eh Bobby?

You’re lucky, boy, he didn’t make a man outta you.

So what did you think of Ashley’s breakdown? Do you feel as bad for anyone from West Virginia as I do? Has Lizard Killer gotten herself back in Tila’s good graces? And will Bobby be back? Let me know what you think!