Tila Tequila: How Dare You Bring Something Like “This” Home

This week on A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, Tila visits the hometowns and families of the final four contestants. Some families welcome her with open arms, and others spray Lysol on everything she touches. Who stays, who goes, and whose mom said Tila’s bisexuality makes her want to vomit after the jump!

I’m guessing it wasn’t this one…

The final four are packing up their belongings to get ready for this week’s hometown dates. Bobby tells us he always gets nervous when he brings home a girl, and that he still views Butterface Ryan as his biggest competition since Ryan’s an “oil executive” and has got the moolah. If you recall, Bobby’s the guy that tried to buy Tila off with some fake ass Tiffany’s jewelry in the first episode, so Bobby must have some underlying fixation with women and money. That’s what paying for sex all the time will do to a guy. Yet another strike against prostitution – it just can’t get a break.

Pamela Amanda and Manly Dani are in the bathroom getting ready, Amanda wearing a red satin bra and blow-drying her hair, and Dani wearing a men’s white t-shirt and using some pomade. Lipstick, meet butch. They chat about their families, and Amanda tactfully brings up her special needs siblings. After recovering from that awkward moment, Dani and the rest of the gang head out. Tila warns us that if anyone’s families have a problem with her being a bisexual, then it’s peace out.

For the record, she said it, not me

First up is Bobby’s hometown of Worcester Sauce, New York. A quick tour of Wikipedia reveals this is a tiny whitebread town, population 2,200, stuck in the middle of nowhere. Definitely right up Tila’s alley. Ooh, speaking of alleys, Bobby has decided to shatter any Hicksville stereotypes and meet Tila at the local bowling alley!

Tila rolls up in her SUV, and her expression as she gets out of the car is a textbook WTF. I’m not sure what bothers her more – the bowling alley, Bobby’s hooded Unabomber sweatshirt, and that faint scent of manure in the air. They go inside, and after Tila throws some gutter balls and Bobby makes totally original and witty jokes about blue balls, they sit down to chat. Bobby’s a motor mouth today, and tells her he was worried she would take one look at Bumblefuck and run for Manhattan. Tila admits she would have, but she’s contractually forced to stay so she’s trying to make the best of it.

An outfit change later, and we’re off to meet Mr. and Mrs. Bobby. Not wanting to leave the girls out of this little get together, Tila’s wearing a tight white tank top that also shows off a ton of her tattoos as well. A mother’s dream. Tila quickly meets Bobby’s parents, teenage brother, and his stepdad, and his stepmom. Mr. Bobby must be pretty awful, for he got traded in for a dude with a mullet and a handlebar mustache. The happy couple announces that Tila also dabbles in snatch in her free time, but after a few uncomfortable moments it goes over fairly well.

As they sit down for dinner, Tila does her best to be the girlfriend from hell by striking up awkward conversations and just generally being inappropriate. At one point she risks poisoning them all with silicone as she stabs her boob with her fork (for realz), and then asks the brother to clean off her boob for her. Kudos to the brother, who merely tosses a towel at Bobby and says that’s Bobby’s job to clean off any random creamy goo that gets on Tila. These antics lead to Mrs. Bobby snapping at Tila that she’s not impressed, but once the ladies sit down and chat about their love of booze, they’re suddenly BFFs again. False drama bores me.

Get your nasty paws off me, bitch

As Tila’s leaving, Bobby tells us that his mom really liked Tila because she could see a lot of Bobby in Tila. Insert lame Bobby joke here. Tila, wearing Bobby’s Unabomber sweatshirt now, lets us know that she had a really great time with Bobby’s family. They peck goodnight, and Tila heads off to visit Amanda in Oregon.

Pacific City, Oregon is a small coastal town near the Oregon-Washington border. Amanda tells us that she’s really excited to bring Tila to Pacific City since it makes her feel “like she’s going home.” Dumbass, it IS your home. Not the brightest crayon in the box, that one. Thankfully she’s got her youthful good lo – oh man, she’s screwed.

Tila runs out of the car and briefly hugs Amanda like she would a friend, and they head down to the beach to fly kites before having their deep chat. Amanda reveals she used to be a big druggie, and Tila tells us it was nice to see Amanda’s serious side. You know, usually revealing a drug addition past is a bad thing, but I guess not on this show. Amanda could say she once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die, and Tila wouldn’t blink an eye. Afterwards, Tila gives Amanda a close-mouthed kiss with absolutely no heat.

Beauty and the Beast

The mismatched duo then meet up with Amanda’s dad and stepmom. Amanda leaps into her stepmom’s arms (no easy feat, that one), and leaves Tila alone to awkwardly hug Mr. Amanda before even getting an introduction. The four of them sit down to eat, and Tila tests the family by making inappropriate sexual comments over a meal. But unlike the Bobbys, the Amandas merely smile and laugh. Tila tries again by announcing that she’s bisexual, and Amanda’s stepmom doesn’t even pause her unpacking of their picnic basket while Amanda’s dad shows the same polite interest he would have shown had Tila said she studies ballet. As Amanda tells us, her parents were all like, good for you! Now, could you pass the salt? Totally unfazed.

Tila spends some alone time with the stepmom, while Amanda chills with her dad. Both conversations go well, for the Amandas do really seem like nice, open-minded people that have already accepted Tila without question. Mr. Amanda even takes the opportunity to provide us with some social commentary on society’s acknowledgment of lesbian couples. The four of them then head inside to meet Amanda’s special needs siblings, all of which are really sweet. After a brief visit – and some bribery in the form of cookies – Tila gives Amanda a much warmer kiss than she gave Bobby and heads off for New Jersey to visit Ryan.

Ryan meets Tila in Trenton, New Jersey, and Ryan tells us he’s excited to introduce Tila to his parents, his friends, and two people he refers to as “sizzins.” I tried Urban Dictionarying that one, and I have no idea what the fuck he’s saying. Ryan picks her up in a Mercedes, and takes her to a nice restaurant to meet the friends, both of which get immediate erections upon seeing Tila. Ryan announces the bisexual twist, and the friends are like reeeeeally, and just barely manage to suppress the urge to give their boy high-fives.

Smell my finger

The friends do warn Tila that the Ryans aren’t exactly the most open-minded people around, and they even call Mr. Ryan a “general.” Tila looks uncharacteristically nervous, and Ryan’s defense of his father seems to come more from fear than a genuine denial of the accusations. But not all’s lost – they’re super rich, Ryan maturely tells us while nonchalantly counting the $100 bills in his wallet. The friends take the opportunity to grope Tila goodbye before Tila and Ryan head out to meet the General and his troops.

How would you feel about guest starring? My girlfriend would be way into it.

They drive out to Ryan’s place, which looks to be somewhere in the suburbs, and pull up to a gorgeous house on a large estate. Tila’s dressed much more conservatively for this meeting than she has for the other parents, so it looks like she took at least some of what the friends said to heart. However, she’s still rocking some diamond-hard THO. Ryan’s sisters pounce on him as he walks in, and Tila tells us she’d definitely like to trade in Ryan for his sister Lauren, since Lauren is hotter. Doesn’t take much. Ryan’s parents, Chip and Muffy, greet Tila warmly, and Lauren tells us that Tila is cute and “exotic” – then gulps uncomfortably. Tila, you may have a taker on that trade-in! Or Lauren is a racist. Take your pick.

Tila joins Ryan and his family outside to get to know each other, and Tila mentions that when they have guys versus girls competitions, the guys always lose. Ryan awkwardly asks his parents if they understand the implication, and when they say they don’t, he announces that Tila’s bisexual. Chip and Muffy freeze in horror, and then plaster fake smiles on their faces and begin enthusiastically nodding, while Lauren goes “oh, really?” and tries to suppress a smile. Okay, she’s kind of a bitch. Racist it is!

Muffy tells us she thought she was going to throw up, and Chip tells us that know that Tila “goes both ways” disturbs him. He adds that for Ryan to bring something like “this” home just isn’t right. So evidently Tila is not a person in Chip’s eyes, but rather a “this”, like a bad dog that shits in your shoes. Ryan slurs in his confessional (seriously, is it just me or does he become harder to understand by the episode?) that he knows dinner is going to be interesting.

Dinner begins, and Tila once again is inappropriate, this time joking that Chip is so handsome he could turn her straight. Tila asks the family if they have any bisexual friends, and Ryan’s parents sit as still as statues while Lauren laughs her ass off at the very idea. Lauren then forcefully tells Tila and us that she’s totally straight and has a boyfriend, as if she’s afraid Tila’s going to sneak up on her and ass rape her with a strap-on. Calm the hell down. A random chick in a black t-shirt and pants comes in with their dinner plates, and I think we’re supposed to believe she’s the help. But a) these people do not have enough money to have servants b) no servant would ever dress like that and c) like they’d have a white girl as their servant. This is definitely a production assistant.

Lauren waits to be served

Tila asks the family if she can say grace, and her version of it gives thanks for Ryan’s hot body (and something about melted cheese and her meat that I do not even want to go into), his hot family, and her hope that Lauren admits she likes the vajayjay. Awkward laughs all around. Tila then begins talking about the various challenges they’ve had, and says that Ryan pulled her top off last week during the chocolate challenge. The Ryans are yet again appalled, and Muffy loftily tells us that they don’t usually talk about nipples at their dinner table. However, they do feed their little yappy dogs at the dinner table. Oh wait, that’s just Lauren again.

Chip then begins grilling Tila on her future, asking her IF she has goals in life, not what they are. She describes her upbringing and how she got to be the internet’s biggest whore/sensation, and Chip grudgingly tells us that he tips his hat to her for that. At this point Ryan realizes that things aren’t looking too good for him, so he grabs Tila and pulls her upstairs, figuring he might as well get some ass before he gets sent home. She protests a bit about leaving his family and all, but it doesn’t take much to convince her to hook up. It’s Tila, after all.

Shortly after that, Tila hugs everyone goodbye and heads out to visit Dani in Florida. The Ryans, in turn, head upstairs to take showers. Ryan tells us he’s confident that he won’t be eliminated this week.

Dani’s meeting Tila at the fire station to show Tila where she works. Tila rolls up, and runs out of the car squealing Dani’s name before giving Dani a big hug and kiss. This is by far the warmest greeting Tila has given anyone. Dani takes her inside, and Tila goes apeshit, screaming and jumping up to straddle some lucky guy whose face says it all. She then asks to see the pole, and demonstrates some stripper moves while that same guy stares and looks really unsure how to act. He looks like he wants to enjoy the show, but is also kind of scared that Dani will rip off his balls if he gets too into it.

How not to fall on your head like a stupid cow (I’m talking to you, Tranny Vanny!)

All the fire fighters sit down for dinner with Dani and Tila, and Fire Lieutenant Tim gives a sweet speech about how great of a girl Dani is, and how they all admire her and want the best for her. Tila is touched, and Dani is happy but extremely embarrassed. If my boss did something like that, we’d all think he’d lost his mind. Getting him to tell you your work was “fine” is a huge compliment in my office. That and him remembering your name. The rest of the meal goes great, and afterwards the ladies head out to meet Dani’s biological family.

Dani entertains the table with her impression of the comedy and tragedy masks

They walk in to Dani’s house and chaos erupts again as everyone begins hugging and kissing. They all sit down to chat, and Dani formally comes out to her grandmother who’s like, no shit you’re gay, I’m only in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. The announcement of Tila’s bisexuality goes over well, and Tila asks grandma if grandma’s ever had some bisexual thoughts of her own. The answer’s not so much, but Tila nonetheless gets up and gives grandma the ol’ lapdance – and the old lady seems to like it!

After the lap dance, Dani’s mom asks the serious questions about Tila’s intentions and her relationship with Dani, all of which Tila answers well. Mrs. Dani begins tearing up while talking about her daughter, and grandma likewise gets a little weepy when telling us that she just wants Dani to be happy. Between this loving family and the camaraderie and respect we saw for Dani at the fire station, it’s clear that it’s not just us viewers that love this girl.

Back at the mansion, the final four gather to trade war stories of Tila’s hometown visits. Bobby tells the group that his parents dealt pretty well with the bisexual announcement, and Ryan proves he’s either a liar or delusional when he claims that his entire family was “cool with it.” True they didn’t call her a dirty whore and run away screaming, but it was only the cameras that stopped that. Amanda and Dani recount their much more successful dates, but Ryan remains confident and tells us that he’s locked this thing up.

Elimination time! One of the four remaining contestants has got to go this week. Only Bobby admits to us that he’s nervous, and then he bitches a bit about how the girls don’t seem worried at all. That’s because their dates went a lot better than yours, asshat. They’re also not wearing a hideous polka-dotted shirt. I’m pretty sure that between the performance of Muffy and Chip, and his red flag-alert over confidence, Ryan’s going home tonight. Anyone think it’s not him?

Tila strolls in, sporting bigger stripper hair than usual. After a brief speech thanking them for showing her their families, she calls Bobby first and gives him a key. Amidst a lot of flirty giggles, Dani gets the second key. Amanda and Ryan step forward, and Ryan tells us he thinks Amanda’s going home because she’s physically fake, with boob/lip implants, the works. Ryan evidently has not considered Amanda’s audience – since we all know Tila is 100% au naturel. Amanda tells us she’s starting to get worried now that it’s just down to her and Ryan. After a lot of dramatic pausing and sighing, Tila announces that Amanda is staying, telling us that she just can’t deal with Muffy, Chip, and Lauren.

Say whaaaaat?

After Ryan makes his stunned exit, Tila announces that the final 3 are going with her to Cancun, Mexico, where there’s sure to be lots of sun, making out and backstabbing! So what do you think – were Ryan’s parents total douchebags? Was Tila a rude guest? And doesn’t Dani have the coolest grandma ever?