Tila Tequila: Humps in the Night

This week on A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, scandals erupt as the men and the lesbians move in together to continue battling it out for Tila’s love. Who’s involved? Will they stay or will they go? And what the hell is going on in this picture? All that and more, after the jump!

Two limos pull up at Tila’s house, and both sexes pile out cheering as Rob the wrestler tells us that the guys have something in common with the lesbians. Since they bleeped him, it’s hard to tell exactly what he said. It started with a P though. I’m going with “politics.” I don’t know what else that could have been.

The little gay boy doth protest too much, methinks.

They go upstairs to find their rooms, and everyone’s wondering how the sleeping arrangement is going to work – coed, single sex, individual? But instead what they find is one gigantic bed for everyone. Michael tells us yet again that he sleeps on his mom’s couch, and he’s excited because he gets to spoon girls other than his sister in an actual bed. Tranny Vanny tells us she doesn’t want to wake up feeling any wood but her own. Rebecca isn’t too happy, but she’ll deal with it because she’s so focused on Tila it doesn’t matter. Remember that comment as we continue through this show.

As the gang gets changed into their PJs (read barely-there underwear), a gigantic pillow fight breaks out. It’s mostly chaos (oh man, remember that crazy bitch from the premiere?), but we do see Tranny Vanny give Guido an atomic wedgie with his Underoos. Guido bitches about the wedgie, and tells us that he usually sleeps naked but sometimes “it gets too long and goes wherever it wants, so I have to keep it in the cage.” Good thing he’s wearing his Underoos for the communal sleeping arrangement, because I have a feeling “wherever it wants” would be Professor Ashleys’s posterior.

Mamma mia!

Tila walks in and asks how they like the bedroom and Michael shouts that he likes it because he hasn’t been in a bed in a while. Dear God, STFU. Tila holds up a bottle and asks if they’re ready to play some games. They’re going to play Truth or Dare spin the bottle- if the bottle lands on you, you have to pick truth or dare. Tila spins it and it lands on Bobby, who picks dare. Tila dares him to give head to the bottle, which was evidently so raunchy that we couldn’t even see it. Butterface Ryan is up next, and he is dared to put on some of the girls’ lingerie. He actually looked really good, and seems to enjoy it a tad too much. Guido is dared to turn Brandi on, and this somehow involves him sitting on her face, only wearing his Underoos. He tells us he tried to put his balls on her face, but it didn’t really work. Okay ladies of the ‘gasm, say “aye” if sweaty balls in your face turns you on. Rebecca dares Professor Ashley to kiss Michael on the lips, and Michael freaks out. But the Professor grabs him violently and plants one on him anyway. Bet you wish you were back on your momma’s couch about now, dontcha Michael?

Tila then announces that she has another secret, and everyone groans. In direct opposite of what Guido was thinking, Rob tells us all he could think was “please do not have a penis!” Turns out there’s a strip club in the house, complete with poles. Telling us that she knows how to work a pole, Tranny Vanny wastes no time getting up there to show off. But when she tries to execute the fancy moves that get the largest tips shoved down her panties, she falls the fuck off and lands on her head. It’s all kinds of hysterical.

Umm, can I have my dollar back?

Tila pulls Rebecca away first for some one-on-one time. They sit down and Tila begins talking while Rebecca strokes her thigh, clearly not listening. After a moment, Rebecca shuts Tila up by kissing her. But the makeout session is interrupted when Guido crawls up the couch on his belly to ask if he can have a kiss. Both girls are disgusted and Tila runs off to get another drink before she can even begin to think about the prospect of kissing Guido. Rebecca bitches to us that Guido’s always in the way.

Next, the world’s busiest club promoter, Steven, grabs Tila and pulls her onto his lap. As he enthralls her with tales of the time he got not 7, but 8 whole people into Rick’s Pub n’ Grub, Michael walks up to interrupt and prove that he’s no longer a momma’s boy. Steven leaves to plan his next public-access television spot and Michael takes his place, with Tila on his lap. Tila asks why the hell he lives with his mother, and he claims it’s just temporary just like all men who are going to be living with Mom until they’re 40. She asks about his car, and he admits that he rides a bicycle. Tila claims that she likes his honesty, and Michael moves in and messily pecks her on the lips like a drunk uncle on Christmas. Hell, she’d probably have more chemistry with her actual uncle.

Now the music gets serious, and Rebecca tells us that she and Brandi had a “little contact.” We hear Brandi ask if Rebecca wants to kiss her, and next thing you know, they’re making out while Eric and another guy watch. We also see Rebecca playfully wrestling/fighting with the guys, especially Steven. Manly Dani and Virgin Ashli both express disapproval and confusion over Rebecca’s actions. Remember she’s “solely focused on Tila.”

Rule violation!

The group heads upstairs to go to bed, and Virgin Ashli tells us she’s never slept in a bed with anyone before, let alone 16 crusty fame-seekers. A bespectacled Tranny Vanny, whose vision must have been blurred when she fell on her head off the stripper pole, tells us it was totally chaotic, figuring out how they were going to sleep in that thing. Krystal yells at everyone to shut up so they can get some sleep before tomorrow’s big day with Tila, and they all pass out.

Or so we thought. You know, I felt bad enough for Nicole on Beauty and the Geek when Eyebrows was having sex in the bunk above her, but this is a whole different level of disgusting. Steven and Rebecca, lying next to each other in a bed with 15 other people, began “touching each other” as eyewitness Guido reports to us. And in case we didn’t believe it – there’s video. I thought Rebecca was just really into Tila, always wanting to touch and kiss her, but now we know she’s just a dirty whore. Sorry if that seems judgmental, but you don’t jerk a guy off in a bed with 15 other people and then claim you’re chaste.

You can pretend to be asleep all you want – the up and down motion tends to be a giveaway.

The next morning, Guido tells us sometimes it’s interesting to watch people sleep, especially right before he begins slicing them to death with a machete. The gang begins getting up, complaining about the close quarters and accidentally bumping into other people. Hey, as long as you didn’t roll into any suspicious wet spots, I wouldn’t be complaining. Michael announces he heard some irregular breathing during the night and motions towards Steven and Rebecca, who both smile guiltily and try to unstick their fingers.

Not at all incriminating.

Pamela Amanda finds a message in a bottle that Tila left for the gang, and tells us that she read it because she’s a big reader. Well yes, between the backs of boxes of hair dye, condoms, and various prescription bottles, I’m sure she’s picked up some skills over the years. Tila’s note asks for everyone to meet her out back, where she’s set up a carnival.

Everyone’s excited, and Professor Ashley tells us that he always looks forward to the state fair. He then elaborates and informs us that when he was three he used to spray the poop off the elephants because the carnies would get him to do it, and this brings back good memories. What the fuck kind of state fair is West Virginia putting on? Maybe the fact that his students routinely walk into walls isn’t just Professor Ashley’s fault, but something that should be taken up with the state as a whole instead.

The gang runs around playing the various carnival games and winning flea-ridden stuffed animals for Tila. Tranny Vanny tries to hide her condition by pretending to throw like a girl, and despite multiple attempts, Guido can’t ring the bell. Won’t be the last time. He tells us that there’s something wrong with his arms but he’s not that worried – he’s more concerned with his other muscle down there. Ick. Meanwhile, Tila is running a kissing booth. Professor Ashley wins 13 kisses, and he removes his cowboy hat to kiss Tila’s hand and then trail kisses up her arm before giving her one quick one on the mouth. Aww. Tila tells us that he’s cute and innocent like a kid. Yes, the mentally disabled are often considered child-like.

Stupid, yet charming.

Everyone’s gathered around now and Tila asks how the sleeping arrangement worked out. Many of the group smile or look uncomfortable until finally Guido announces that he thinks a girl was hooking up with a guy. Tila doesn’t seem to believe him at first, and then nonchalantly asks if they were just spooning, or a kiss, or what. Guido corrects her assumptions, and Tila screams whaaaat and pulls Guido aside for more dirt. Rebecca, meanwhile, tells us that Guido’s such a pain in the ass, always trying to interfere. Umm, Rebecca honey, there’s a difference between him interrupting your makeout session with Tila and rightfully informing Tila that you went to third in a communal bed.

So Guido and Tila have gotten ahold of a large stuffed animal, and Guido begins violating the poor thing to show Tila what exactly he saw going on. It’s like he’s a child sex abuse victim showing her where the bad man touched him. The rest of the guys sit a few feet away observing, and Steven tries to deflect the attention by announcing that Guido’s just bringing bad karma on himself by being a tattle. Tila thanks Guido for the cartoon porn demonstration, but warns him that if he’s the liar, he’ll be in big trouble. He reminds her that there are cameras everywhere, and she can check it out herself if she wants.

This poor animal will no longer be able to wear white to its wedding.

Steven decides to join Guido, Tila, and the disgraced animal. Steven launches an attack, saying he doesn’t appreciate being gossiped about, and Guido awesomely points out that he never named names, yet Steven’s over here freaking out. Tila starts cracking up, and Professor Ashley senses his little playmate may be in trouble and strolls over to back Guido up. Seriously, what is up with the man love between those two? The Professor asks Steven if someone was “rubbing his stump” and then names Rebecca as the classy lady in question. Steven claims that Rebecca was just scratching his back, as we see footage that shows that Steven was the one doing the scratching, and it wasn’t a back he was, umm, pleasuring.

Guido then announces that Brandi was awake and told him not to look at Steven and Rebecca. Tila immediately calls Brandi over, and Brandi tells us her side of the story – she woke up in the middle of the night, and found Guido wide-awake, watching her and sharpening his machete. He tried to tell her to look at Steven and Rebecca and Brandi told him to stop being a creepy asshole and go back to sleep. Brandi repeats this to Tila, and says she didn’t see anything, but the Professor backs up Guido’s version.

The Spanish Inquisition continues as Tila calls Rebecca over, and suddenly all the lesbians are there to act as a tribunal evidently. Rebecca, who appears near tears, says she’s not going to lie, and then admits that she kissed BRANDI. Whoops, wrong slutty mistake you’re being called out on, Rebecca! Tila is shocked, and a horrified Brandi claims it was just a peck as we flashback to the makeout session from the night before. Brandi tells us she felt like Rebecca threw her under the bus, and then changes her tune regarding Steven and Rebecca. Rebecca quickly says she was just scratching Steven’s back and that she’s there for Tila.

No, the other person you slutted it out with, ass.

Tila and Rebecca walk away for some alone time while Brandi bitches to Steven of all people that Rebecca made her look bad. Brandi tells us that people always think she’s the slut or the bad girl because of her appearance, but that’s not the case. Sorry Brandi, but if you want to run around with trashy hair, you have to either accept that people are going to assume things or take your ass to a Supercuts. Tila warns Rebecca that she’s going to find out the truth before eliminations.

Tila puts the drama aside to throw a pie-eating contest. The first one to lick clean through their pie (I could not make this shit up) gets alone time with Tila before eliminations. Everyone dives in and starts rubbing their faces in the “pies” which are really just piles of cream. Subtle. Tranny Vanny tells us that she was literally eating, then throwing up, then eating that. In other news, I have officially decided I can no longer watch this show while eating dinner. After a few minutes of licking pie (…) while Tila shouts “Eat my pie!” over and over, Manly Dani is declared the winner. Butterface Ryan makes a comment about how it’s not surprising that the girls did better because they’re used to … you get the idea.

Did you intend your tattoos to look like armpit hair?

In their alone time, Tila asks Manly Dani about her first sexual encounter with a woman. Tila tells us that since she likes lipstick lesbians, she wasn’t too sure about Manly Dani at first, but now she thinks she’s “rad.” Their alone time is cute, but neither girl makes a move. Tila clearly doesn’t have any chemistry with Manly Dani, which is a shame because this girl is one of the most normal, sincere ones in the bunch. In other words, kinda boring and really shouldn’t be here. Oh well.

Tila joins up with the rest of the gang and instructs them all to pack their bags, since 5 of them will be leaving tonight. Holy shit, that’s like 1/3 of the group! Going in, Rob is confident, Brandi and Rebecca are both worried, and Tila wants to make the right decisions. From this point on, Tila will be handing out the keys one by one to those who will remain.

Virgin Ashley is the first name called. Tila tells her that she still has a shot at love and then asks her if “she’s interested.” That is seriously the lamest line yet from this franchise. I was hoping for something more like “wanna by my Myspace friend.” Bobby, Butterface Ryan, Pamela Amanda, Tranny Vanny, Manly Dani, Professor Ashley, and Sara are quickly called in succession. With only four keys left, Michael is called and he nearly wets himself in relief. Sis can have the couch to herself for a few more nights. Guido is called next, and Tranny Vanny mimes shooting herself in the head in the background. If only. Steven tells us that the second Tila called Guido, he knew he was going home.

I can see why this one’s a keeper.

Two keys left. And Tila calls Steven forward, and says she’ll let him slide this time! Tila tells us that she wants to believe him, but she’s definitely going to keep her eye on him in the future. We are treated one last time to the video of him getting his stump rubbed. Please let that be the last time.

Last key. Remaining keyless are Brandi, Rebecca, Krystal, Rob, Eric, and Alex. Brandi tells us that she’s positive she won’t be receiving the key, and that she thinks Krystal will get it instead. Of course that means Brandi receives the key! Tila chastises Brandi to keep it in her pants, and a shocked Brandi quickly agrees. I think she got the free pass for having to endure Guido’s balls shoved in her face during the truth or dare game. Hell, I think the girl earned to win the whole show just for that. After Brandi returns to her seat, Tila tells the designated drivers that there just wasn’t that connection. Alex in particular takes it hard, saying that he’s insulted that she got rid of him and kept guys like Guido and Professor Ashley. As well you should be, Alex. Likewise, Eric is insulted that Guido is still around. Tila tells us that Rebecca had to go because she was involved in two different scandals, and Rebecca tells us that she’s shocked that she’s going, given their great connection. Hey, even Tila has some standards honey.

Thank you for taking balls to the face for me.

So now that front-runner Rebecca is gone, who do you think is in the lead for Tila’s herpes, I mean heart? My money’s on Steven for the guys, and Brandi for the girls. I don’t think she would have kept them this week if she wasn’t really interested, especially since she got rid of front-runner Rebecca. But I think Bobby, Sara, and Tranny Vanny are still in it too. Who do you think is in the lead, and who do you want to stay? And does anyone else think Guido’s setting himself up nicely for his own show?