Tila Tequila: Nothing Says Love Like a Hairless Scrotum

This week on A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, Bobby wins our cultural sensitivity prize of the week, Michael now resembles a hairless dog, and Tranny Vanny ups the crazy to fill the practically insurmountable void left by Professor Ashley.

You sucky people are the reason why I’m already casting for Shot at Love 2.

First off, Bobby’s totally fine. Boo. Nothing against the kid, but some crutches or a Seeing Eye dog would have been highly entertaining. He tells us that he’s kind of glad Professor Ashley went completely insane, for it got him some alone time with Tila.

Butterface Ryan tells us that after last night, everyone was kind of drained, so he took it upon himself to lift everyone’s spirits. And this evidently means waking up the girls using air horns. The only thing uplifted in that scenario for me would be Ryan’s balls as I kneed him in the groin. Lizard Killer and Tranny Vanny are still in bed and bitch and moan about the noise, and TV says she hates men, and this is why she had the surgery. In the case of Ryan, I agree.

Tila has left a note for the group, as well as bathing suits with sponges stuck all over them. They meet Tila outside, and learn that they will have to give a few filthy Hummers a wash. TV gets really excited until she realizes Tila means the cars. Instead of towels, they will be using their bodies, and the most creative team wins. Momma’s Boy Michael is the captain of one team, and Guido’s the captain of the other. All the guys are picked first, which makes no sense since the girls have boobs and therefore more surface area, but these people aren’t on this show for their intelligence. Or personality. Or clean bill of health.

Shit, Tila, 5 of your 15 minutes are already up, girl. Quick: “accidentally” leak a sex tape.

Tila announces the reward is the winning team goes with her on a spa date, while the losers will stay home and sleep outside tonight. The contest begins, and it’s basically 5 minutes of gratuitous shots of everyone straddling and rubbing on Hummers. Pamela Amanda uses her nappy hair, and Guido just stands next to one of the tires and repeatedly humps it. Something tells me this is not the first inanimate object to get this treatment. Ryan is actually licking the dirt off the car, while TV merely lies on the hood, striking poses. Honey, only cute girls are supposed to do that. Michael tells us he’s happy with his team, because they’re working in perfect synchronicity. His word, not mine. Way to break out the big words, pizza boy. His mom likes to read to him from the thesaurus before tucking him and his sister in on the couch.

Working at the car wash… whoa whoa whoa.

Anybody need a new cabana boy?

Guess that synchronicity paid off, for Tila picks Michael’s team as the winners. That means Michael, Ryan, Pamela Amanda, Virgin Ashli, and Bobby are going to the spa, while Guido, TV, LK, Manly Danni, and Steven have to sit at home and then sleep in a tent.

Inside, Bobby’s working on getting his ass kicked again (and some more alone time with Tila) by picking a fight with LK and Ashli. Basically, Bobby is criticizing Ashli, saying since she’s a virgin she doesn’t know yet if she really does like women, and shouldn’t waste Tila’s time until she’s slept with a guy and knows for sure. Needless to say, the lesbians do not appreciate this, and Ashli asks Bobby how he knows he’s straight – under his logic, shouldn’t he have to sleep with a dude to make sure? At that thought, Bobby chokes back vomit and is all like “whatever”, not wanting the fight to take a turn down that path. Game, set, match to the virgin.

Time to go the spa. Pamela Amanda tells us that she wanted the spa date more than anybody, and whether that’s true or not, it’s clear she definitely needed it more than anybody. Homegirl’s looking a little rough. Put on some more makeup before subjecting us to your confessionals, please. Like, the entire stock at Walgreen’s.

At the spa, the girls apply mud masks (or paste for your face, as Pamela Amanda calls it), while the guys get mani-pedis. After pampering the guys for a while, Tila announces it’s time for them to get waxed. The ladies file in to watch Ryan get wax ripped off his dick, unlike last week when he got wax dripped on his dick. I have seen enough of Ryan’s teeny mister now to last me a lifetime.

If I have to suffer, you have to suffer, dear reader.

Michael is up next, and he not only gets his ass waxed, but agrees to have his balls done, too. It’s cute that he’s willing to put himself so out there for Tila, but dude have some dignity. Michael screams and whimpers, while the crowd jeers and covers their eyes. Tila exclaims that Michael’s balls now look like a vagina. Wait, what? What kind of busted-ass vagina does Tila have then, because that shit just ain’t right.

Tila sits down with Bobby for some alone time, and it’s horribly awkward. He completely trips over all his words, and makes absolutely no sense. Maybe there are some lasting side effects to Ashley ringing his bell a few times. But Tila thinks it’s cute. Ryan’s and Pamela Amanda’s one-on-ones are uneventful, and Ashli’s goes really well. Michael, who is evidently going to a NY Giants game after the spa, continues to seek acceptance and reassurance that she likes him. He tells us that he’s starting to have feelings for Tila, but the last time he felt this way about a girl, he was shocked to find out that incest is frowned upon. And he got his heart broken. Foreshadowing, perhaps?

Yeah, that spa day is working wonders for you.

Back at the house, Tila meets with the losers in the backyard for a little campfire. Give me scary stories, s’mores, and sleeping bags any day over getting my public hair ripped out on national television. Or in general. That shit hurts. LK and Tila have some alone time, and we learn LK’s sob story – she was in foster care after being taken away from her mom. I don’t really care, but Tyra would be eating this up. Tila understands, and LK tells us she’s falling in love with Tila. Abandonment issues, anyone?

Guido has alone time next, and while Tila seems to enjoy herself, it’s definitely not sexual in nature. Guido tells us that he didn’t want to even touch her because girls are gross and they smell down there. And something about not wanting to ruin their connection. He then tells her that besides the tire incident earlier that day, he hasn’t masturbated in months, and she claims that she does 9 times per day. That must be a pretty sweet life, to have time for that 9 times per day. She also must have some pretty limber fingers.

TV’s next, and Tila tells us that she thinks TV is so sexy. Evidently Tila has a Mickey Mouse fetish then, because TV is totally rocketing the Mouseketeer look. While TV’s with Tila, LK begins talking some shit to Steven, that TV’s a totally different person with Tila than she is with the rest of the group. Hey, LK – drama doesn’t find you, you just like to stir shit up.

Hey there! Hi there! Ho there!

Steven’s alone time goes well, and Dani finally gets to kiss Tila during their one-on-one. It’s a pretty intense kiss- probably the most intense we’ve seen Tila with a girl since Rebecca got the boot. Maybe Tila was just confused and thought Dani was a dude. Afterwards, Dani mummers that it was awesome, and then immediately realizes she sounds like a clichéd idiot and begins mocking herself while Tila squeals with laughter. I really wish I could see Tila picking this girl in the end, because Dani rocks. Oh, and the producers play an Indigo Girls song in the background throughout this scene, btw. In case you didn’t hear, Dani’s a lesbian. I know, I was surprised, too.

Now some serious music plays, and we learn TV has decided to go skinny dipping, and LK and Pamela Amanda are pissed off about it, saying TV’s just trying to get more attention, and not just from Tila. Sure enough, TV’s flaunting herself to the guys and flirting outrageously, especially with Bobby. Standing out on a balcony, Bobby bitches to Pamela Amanda about it, and we flash back to the second episode, when TV told us she was going to use her “sex appeal” to distract the guys and get them out of the way. As they’re talking, TV goes up to the sliding door and rubs her thong-clad ass around on the glass. I feel really bad for that window washer. She comes outside, squabbles with Bobby briefly, and then asks Bobby if he’s sexually frustrated because he wants to fuck her. With another patented “whatever” Bobby walks away. He really needs to work on his comebacks.

It doesn’t matter what kind of shape you’re in – mashing your bare buttocks against glass is never attractive.

Bobby, pissed, goes down to the kitchen to avoid TV, but she follows him, taunting him about wanting her so bad. She tells us that all she wants is respect, which cracks me up for several good minutes. Bobby bitches about TV to a group including LK, sitting around a table. When TV demands to know what’s going on, LK elects herself spokeswoman and tells her that flaunting herself to Bobby isn’t cool because it’s making him uncomfortable. Oh, LK, you’re not the one who should be taking the moral high ground here. TV insists that Bobby wants to fuck her, but just won’t admit it. LK and TV start getting into it, with LK basically calling TV a two-faced slut, and TV gives her the finger and then throws the contents of her cup all over LK and the others sitting at the table.

Furious, LK throws a can of pop at TV’s retreating back and tries to go after TV, while Dani holds her back. In frustration, LK slams her fist into the nearby window a few times while Michael looks on in half arousal, half fear. Safely in another room, TV shouts for LK to bring it, and LK finally gets past Dani and gets in TV’s face while TV begs LK to hit her. They scuffle a bit, but alas no real blows are thrown so it doesn’t really matter. By the end of the fight, both girls are in tears, with LK calling TV a liar, and TV saying she doesn’t care what any of them think about her. Honey, all you care about is what people think about you. That was apparent from minute one. For the record: I hate you.

Bitch, my butt floss is SO much better than yours!

The next morning, we find out TV slept outside by herself on a couch, and she has no intention of apologizing. No one seems to even notice or care. Hah. The group gets another message from Tila, announcing that it’s time to celebrate Tila de Mayo. This competition’s for the alone time before eliminations, and involves them spinning a chair, and then carrying a tray of margaritas over to a table, without spilling any. Teams are by gender, and the team with the most glasses on the table at the end wins.

You know, Mexican was my second choice for fake nationalities…

Guido and Ashli get all seven of their drinks on the table safely, but Ryan spills three and TV spills four. On his turn, Bobby falls flat on his face getting out of the chair, but he winds up only spilling one while Pamela Amanda doesn’t spill any. So the score is tied again. Michael and LK both get all their glasses on the table, leaving it up to Steven and Dani. As they take off from their chairs, Bobby slips up and tells us Dani can run fast because she’s an athletic guy… or… umm… whatever. Smooth. Steven has the lead approaching the table, but then gets overly excited and winds up spilling nearly all his drinks while placing the tray on the table. Somehow I don’t think this was the first time Steven’s over-excitement has caused an embarrassing mess. So yet again, Dani wins the challenge for the ladies!

Ride ‘em, cowboy! Err, girl. Err… person. Whatever.

Although she seems disappointed that the girls won, Tila takes them all to a Mexican restaurant. She gets asked if she’s leaning towards one gender or the other, and she cryptically says that at first she thought she was leaning towards one gender, but now she’s favoring the other. I take that to mean that the girls had her attention at first, but now it’s more about the guys. What do you guys think? Dani and Ashli both tell Tila how much they like her, and Tila comments to us that she thinks that Ashli may not be a good fit because Tila likes to be the princess and Ashli’s too sweet and innocent. Ashli’s also probably too pretty for Tila – Tila’s ego would definitely want to be the prettier one in the relationship. Luckily, that means everyone else left is safe.

Somehow the previous night’s drama gets brought up, and Tila asks what happened. LK begins telling the story. TV jumps in to spin it to make Bobby look like the bad guy, and that he really does want her and that may be his motivation for being so mean to her. Tila listens briefly, but then pissily tells them that she doesn’t want to hear about their drama when they should be kissing her ass. Umm, Tila, you asked them to tell you. No buyer’s remorse allowed. Tila takes TV aside briefly, and the only interesting thing to come of it is TV evidently thinks she’s the prettiest girl in the house. If by pretty she means unhinged and gender-ambiguous, then sure. She gloats to us that Bobby will be going home, just as she planned. Back at the house, Tila pulls Bobby aside for his side of the story. Bobby says TV was sexually harassing and taunting him, then blames TV’s behavior of TV’s drinking. Tila listens and is noncommittal, and Bonny tells us he knows he’s going home tonight.

Now that’s my idea of a drink.

Going in to eliminations, Tila says she’s in love with ten people and it sucks to have to eliminate two of them. My predictions – unspoiled – are for Michael and Ashli to get the boot, but I also think Bobby’s vulnerable. I don’t think TV’s going anywhere because she’s too good of a source of drama. Dani is called first, followed by Ryan, LK, Guido, Pamela Amanda, and Steven.

Tila asks Michael, Bobby, Ashli, and TV to step forward. Tila immediately keeps TV, eliminating Ashli. I’m 1/1 so far. Outside, Ashli cries to us that Tila was her first love, and she lost her. Maybe I was wrong about her wanting a modeling career – acting definitely seems to be her forte. After Ashli slinks off, Tila briefly tells Michael and Bobby that she has feelings for them both, but in different ways. As in, she actually has feelings for Bobby. She totally just sees Michael as an amusing sideshow freak. Sure enough, she lectures Bobby for the drama surrounding him but then says she has to trust her feelings and gives him the last key. And I’m 2/2! Bobby kisses her in thanks, and Tila creepily keeps her eyes open. As she says goodbye to Michael, the producers hilariously play “Mama, I’m Coming Home” by Ozzy Osbourne. Between this and the NKOTB they were rocking during the margarita challenge, I officially love the music editors. His exit is sweet and a little sappy, with a lot of talk of him being a changed man, and having learned so much. Bye bye, Michael. Say hi to your sister and mommy for me, and enjoy showing them your new look below the belt.

Previews for next week look pretty fantastic, I must say – we’re going to have a full-blown, hair-pulling cat fight! My fave. And there’s also going to be an eating challenge, with bugs and other nasty shit. As a warning, I get nauseated watching those kinds of things on like Big Brother or Survivor, but I’ll try to keep my eyes open and not hurl while recapping. Until then, keep your comments coming!