Tila Tequila: New York and Pumkin Don’t Have Anything on These Two

I have to admit it, I love it whenever anyone on a reality TV show gets punched in the face. I just think that the amount of exposure and/or money these people are getting more than makes up for a few thuds to the skull for my entertainment. I live for the moment some angry contestant just wails on Ryan Seacrest. My fingers are crossed that this is my year. Anyway, this week on A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, we don’t just get a fistfight — we get the even rarer breed, the catfight. It’s Lizard Killer versus Tranny Vanny – may the craziest bitch win. So gather round, place your bets, and let’s get to it!

Picture: fight
Caption: A game of Twister gone badWe start off right away with a message from Tila, which talks about exotic tastes and stepping up to the plate. Great. As I said last week, I don’t do “exotic” foods. A burrito is as exotic as I will get. The only thing that has kept my best friend and me from trying out for “The Amazing Race” is the food issue – she’s a vegetarian and I won’t eat anything I can’t find at an American fast food restaurant. In other words, we’d be fucked. I’d probably be more down for a necrophilia challenge than a food challenge. Yeah, you read that right. I’m not playing on this food thing.

Needless to say, I’m less than thrilled when the gang heads out and finds a table with decapitated bulls’ heads (plus flies) and jars of cockroaches and maggots waiting them. Everyone freaks out, and Tila justifies the challenge as she has to eat a lot of gross things in foreign countries while “traveling for work” and she needs to make sure they can handle that if they’re with her. Traveling for work my ass. You don’t have to move from your couch to click Accept Friend Request, Tila. The competition will have 2 rounds – in the first round, everyone will compete until the fastest man and woman are determined. Then in the second round, the two finalists will go head-to-head, with the winner getting a champagne bubble bath with Tila. That’s a pretty sweet reward, but if I were on this show I’d already be banging on the producers’ trailer, screaming I did not sign up for this shit. Fuck the bubble bath.

Picture: head
Caption: Professor Ashley returns

So what’s on the menu, you ask? A bull’s penis and some testicles. Yummy! Pamela Amanda whines to us about being a vegetarian, but really I don’t think the carnivores at the table are exactly raring to go. So they start eating, and everyone – me included – begins gagging immediately while Tila taunts them with sexually suggestive comments. Tranny Vanny says it smelled like formaldehyde and manure, Bobby says it was “no big deal” that he was also eating his puke, and Manly Dani tells us this is definitely the first and last time she’ll ever have dick in her mouth. Gross, gross, and hilarious. Love Manly Dani. Guido takes the cake for the TMI award, when he deadpans to us that he usually doesn’t eat penis and testicles for lunch – he prefers them for breakfast. All righty then.

Picture: face
Caption: Dick is icky!

Okay, seriously guys, I can’t do this anymore. Now the producers are adding in crunching sound effects and I’m literally whimpering in misery over here. Let’s cut to the chase – Amanda wins for the girls (then promptly vomits) and Bobby wins for the boys. But that’s only round 1. Now those two have to face off to determine who gets the champagne bubble bath. And guess what they’re eating this time? Eyeballs, hearts, and a shot of blood. Well then, that’s totally normal and not really that big of — what?!? Oh hell no.

So they begin, and Amanda struggles while Bobby seems to be enjoying himself, even picking up the eyeballs and holding them up to his face like a slimy, dead toy. As Amanda gags down the shot of blood, Bobby sticks a fork in one of the eyes and squirts eye juice all over Butterface Ryan. I squeal and rub my arms like it landed on me, and commend Ryan on not beating the crap out of Bobby like I would have. Finally, Bobby is declared the winner and Amanda tells us she’s upset that she compromised her morals and stance as a vegetarian for this and didn’t even win. You’ll be getting no sympathy from me. I would have played that V card immediately to get out of this damn thing.

While Bobby and Tila get sticky in odd places – which I suppose is not new to either one of them – the other 7 contestants have to bake dessert. The gang goofs off for a while, throwing flour at each other and whatnot, until Lizard Killer (wearing pants!!!) and Steven start mock wrestling. As the rest judgmentally look on, Steven grabs a butter knife and jokingly holds it near LK’s head. LK freaks out, slaps him, and immediately begins bitching as if that butter knife had been a meat cleaver. Steven tells us he was just trying to wipe the whipped cream that was on the knife on her face, and that he now knows better than to mess with a lesbian on her period. Like Mr. Garrison, Steven evidently doesn’t trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die. I wonder if Steven also has a hand puppet as well?

Picture: Hug
Caption: Isn’t this exactly the kind of thing LK was criticizing TV for doing?

Further proving how stupid she is, TV gets involved, saying that LK’s the angry bitch of the house, not her. LK taunts TV to keep drinking her vodka, and they call each other sluts and whores and whatnots. It’s just another day in Tila’s crib. TV tells us that as much as she wants to beat LK’s ass, she won’t because she’s here for Tila and doesn’t want to get tossed out. She also claims that she’s learned how to control herself, as we see a montage of her losing her shit last week. Famous last words, my friends.

Tila meets Bobby for their champagne bubble bath, and poor Bobby falls on his ass while trying to climb into the giant glass. They begin chatting, and this time Bobby is able to put together complete sentences. So as verbal coordination goes up, motor coordination goes down. Sounds like Bobby operates on some kind of sliding scale. Tila tells him that she’s lonely, and Bobby launches into a dramatic speech about how she’s all he thinks about, and then he drops the L bomb. But unlike when she yanked away from Professor Ashley in horror when he made a similar declaration, Tila moves in to straddle him and make out. God I hope he swilled a few gallons of Listerine before joining her in this bath.

Picture: Glass
Caption: Bobby, is that bull testicle I taste?

Later that night, Tila joins the other seven contestants to eat those desserts they baked. She particularly likes Amanda’s cheesecake, but winds up spitting out Guido’s upside down cake. That he had liberally sprinkled with crème de tartar. This episode is killing me. And what’s up with the upside down cake, Guido? Where’s the tiramisu? The gelato? C’mon dude, you’re all about stereotypes… where’s the stereotypical dessert?

Tila breaks off for alone time with each contestant, and while she’s cuddling with Dani (like legs entwined, intimate cuddling, go Dani!), Steven comes over and rudely interrupts them. Dani gets pissed and lectures him on etiquette while Tila turns her back on him, giggles appreciatively and kisses Dani defiantly. Tila is clearly showing a preference here. Dani stomps off, and Steven decides to shoot himself in his other foot by immediately jumping on top of Tila, straddling her thighs and pinning her beneath him. Her smile freezes in place while he starts sucking on her neck, and she tells us it felt like he was just trying to have sex with her, and it was a total turn-off. She tries to jokingly tell him to get the hell off of her, and he doesn’t move and says that he “earned it.” Tila and I gasp in outrage at the same time. That’s the logic date rapists use, yo. His ass is so gone tonight.

Picture: earned
Caption: Just because I look and act like a RealDoll doesn’t mean you can treat me like one

Tila’s alone time with LK is going well when TV strolls up and tells Tila that she doesn’t want to wait for Tila to find her – she’ll just come rudely crash LK’s time instead. Tila looks uncomfortable, and LK gracefully exits while telling us that it’s not worth getting into it with TV. We only see them chat for a minute before Tila tells us she was so over the drama that she needed to call it a night. Congrats, TV, you just made yourself look like an asshole for no good reason.

The next morning, it’s time for another group challenge. Tila announces that each of them has to choose who’s the most and who’s the least compatible for her (without choosing themselves). She tells them that the results will help her with eliminations. She leaves the room, and each contestant deliberates and writes down their choices. Everyone struggles, but TV seems to take it more seriously than others, and tells us she was really trying to think about Tila’s best interests and Tila’s heart. Then it’s time to reveal the results, one by one, to the entire group. This won’t be anonymous – each person has to stand up and reveal who they chose and why. This makes me extremely happy. Anonymity is for pussies.

We see the “most compatible” results first. Bobby and TV chose LK (guess there is some maturity in TV after all), Dani chose Guido, Steven chose Bobby, LK chose Amanda, and Guido, Ryan, and Amanda chose Dani. So that means Dani is voted most compatible, and she wins some one-on-one with Tila. Notice that of the 8 votes, only 2 went to men. I think that’s interesting. Also interesting is that TV, Steven, and Ryan didn’t get any votes at all.

Picture: most
Caption: Is Flavor Flav an option?

Now for the drama! Steven and Ryan chose Guido, who immediately begins crying. Guido, babe, you’re not even straight – how are you surprised? TV chose Ryan, saying that he doesn’t stick out in her mind and she even forgets his name sometimes. Meth side effects are a bitch. And here’s where it gets good: Amanda, Dani, Guido, Bobby, and LK all chose TV. As TV pouts and wipes away tears, they tell Tila that TV’s an attention whore with some rage issues. Now if that doesn’t equal soul mate, I don’t know what does.

After getting emotionally sodomized, TV says LK told her she’s actually bisexual and doesn’t know if she likes men or women. LK jumps in to call TV a liar, and both women sob and yell at each other while Tila looks on in disgust. Finally Tila regains control and announces that since TV was voted least compatible, she’s won one-on-one time with Tila to prove the group wrong. This of course does not sit well with the group, but c’mon guys, you should have seen that one coming.

We go straight to TV’s dinner date with Tila, and TV is scrambling to climb out of the hole she’s dug herself. She babbles about how she’s a sweet person inside, and she doesn’t like drama, and is done with the drama … as she continues talking shit about the other contestants. Tila tries to interject a few comments into TV’s panicked monologue, and TV immediately interrupts and cuts her off. Tila is beyond not happy, and mocks TV repeatedly to us, saying the girl would not STFU. TV in turn tells us that she thinks the date went splendid and they had a great time!

Picture: headache
Caption: When my date makes this face, it’s usually a sign he’s not calling me again…

Next Tila meets Dani for dessert, and it goes great with Tila telling us that she’s digging Dani’s androgynous side. As the cuddle – again – Tila asks Dani if she’s ever worn dresses or other girly clothes. Dani says she looks like a drag queen when she dresses girly, and Tila squeals with laughter and they make out. Who knew in the first episode that Dani would be the clear front runner? I was too busy figuring out what gender she was.

Picture: Amanda
Caption: Crack head Barbieâ„¢

Elimination time. Tila’s sending home 1 boy and 1 girl tonight. Amanda is called first to tower over little Tila, and we see that LK’s already in tears and TV’s fretfully fidgeting. Bobby’s predictably the first boy, and he grabs his ass and limps back to his seat. Looks like that spill in the champagne glass left him with some bruises. Or Tila introduced him to her private toy collection. Ryan and Dani are called next, leaving Steven, Guido, TV, and LK in the bottom four.

They step forward, and to Steven’s horror she keeps Guido. It disturbs me to say this, but Guido’s kinda looking good tonight, in a subdued suit and without any goofy headwear. Not like I think he really has a chance with Tila. Or that I would touch him with a ten-foot pole. Just sayin’. She then sends Steven back to promote the local Applebee’s in Dothan, Alabama. Steven appears to bite back a few choice words, then maturely hugs everyone goodbye and wishes them good luck. Bye bye, Steven. Next time don’t force yourself on the girl and claim you earned it.

Picture: eliminated
Caption: No means no, Steven

So it’s down to TV and LK. Both girls are crying, and Tila herself is fighting back emotions. Finally, Tila picks LK. As LK starts to move forward, an enraged TV lurches out and grabs a fistful of LK’s hair and yanks it as hard as she can. We’re not talking about a few strands here, folks — TV could have broken LK’s neck with this move. Luckily she doesn’t, and I can enjoy this fight without feeling completely terrible about it. LK thrashes around like a wild animal, jams her hand in TV’s face, and they both crash into the cheap plastic key stand, which immediately crumbles. MTV must shop at the same House of Shit Props that the Big Brother producers frequent.

Picture: bets
Caption: My money’s on the transvestite

LK lands on top of TV and begins punching her, and Dani, Ryan, and some production assistants rush forward to pull them apart while dodging the flailing stilettos that could easily take out an eye or two. I really don’t need to see any more loose eyeballs in this episode, so duck, people! Meanwhile, Tila’s huddled in the corner crying and Guido walks by, a look of complete disgust on his face. What, do they not have catfights in “Italy”? Amanda is wisely staying far away, and Bobby remains seated in the background, unwilling to take another trip to the ER for Tila. Wimp.

Picture: underpants
Caption: I see London, I see France, I see TV’s under – ouch! I’m blind!

The girls get separated, with one PA holding TV against the bar, and LK screaming in Dani’s face to let her go beat TV’s ass some more. TV begins breaking shit on the bar, wailing that she wants Tila more than anybody. TV and Professor Ashley would be the best couple ever — she should look him up. LK rushes up to Tila, grabs her face, and appears for a moment that she’s going to beat the crap out of her, too. But no. Instead LK hysterically says that she loves Tila, but she can’t do this anymore, and she won’t take the key. Meanwhile, TV’s been shown the door and is screaming downstairs about how Tila shouldn’t believe LK’s lies, blah blah blah. TV then collapses on the rug crying and we get the dreaded To Be Continued…

Picture: quit
Caption: You’re… smushing… my… head…

So next week we’ll find out who leaves, who stays, and who comes back. I’m thinking TV’s definitely out, LK will leave voluntarily, but then LK will return once she’s calmed down more and gotten the restraining order arranged with the local police. What do you guys think? And do you think anyone other than Dani or Bobby still really has a shot at love?