Tila Tequila: Old Acquaintances Should Be Forgotten

Tila Tequila

By LoLo | Friday, December 28, 2007 | 1:39 am | 23 Comments

Happy holidays, everyone! For those of you looking to escape the family for a little bit – or stuck working this week – sit back, relax, and enjoy the trainwreck that is the A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila: The Reunion!

Buckleup

Buckle your condoms, it’s gonna be a bumpy penis.

Our brave host, Ryan, comes out as the cast goes wild, humping each other and screaming crazily. He quickly goes through the introductions. Lance the professional clown makes ridiculous faces and a complete ass out of himself, Amanda’s more excited to see herself than anyone is to see her, and Guido receives lots of audience love. A few of the nobody cast members decided to ditch out (Chaos, Scout, and Alex, who is on tour with the Spice Girls and hoping to impress Posh with his worm moves), while Brandi is held backstage to prevent her from clawing out Tranny Vanny’s eyes just yet. Bobby, Dani, and Tila are also in the house, but sequestered for the time being.

After a few moments mocking Hey-Girl-Hey (who is disappointingly coherent but has a super cute hair cut), the virgins, and Lala for being too good for a bisexual show, Host Ryan turns to douchebag Marcus and asks him to do his fake, looking for camera time laugh. Marcus complies of course, while Professor Ashley stands up and declares that Marcus sounds like a retarded hyena on crack. An accurate observation, which prompts Marcus to start dancing around and do bad impressions of Ashley. The Professor gets in his face while Marcus spits the same line over and over, like a jammed Chatty Cathy doll. The Professor finally shoves Marcus over a row of seats and onto TV and Amanda, before Butterface Ryan pulls him away. It’s possible one of the girls got kicked in the face, but really could you even tell afterwards? The boys then begin a pillow/inflatable doll fight. Such manly men, look what Tila’s missing. I’m just thankful that despite his best efforts, Marcus is not getting his own show from this.

Sign

If these are the options, then I’m sorry Mr. Ed, but saddle up.

Host Ryan finally regains control, and lets pizza boy Michael make an announcement – he’s brought his momma to the show! Mrs. Michael is a sweet little lady who’s way too normal to be subjected to this crap, but she gamely answers the host’s questions while the skanky bitch next to her plays up to the camera with exaggerated reactions and preening. If you think Michael’s so cute, let him sleep on your couch or STFU.

We then get a series of new clips, showing us what the contestants really thought about each other. Bobby says he can’t stand the Professor, practically everyone is convinced Michael is gay, Guido believes that Rebecca used to be a dude, and the Professor says virgin Ashli has bad BO and smells like ass. Ryan thinks Dani’s about to cross that line from woman to man, and Amanda viciously calls Dani a hypocritical whore, along with other words that get bleeped out. Dani, in turn, thinks Ryan’s retarded and self-absorbed. Brandi thinks Steven’s a know-it-all, while Amanda calls him podunk. Steven doesn’t think too highly of Amanda, either, and says she’s fug while Guido and TV (oh the irony) call Amanda a transvestite. Everyone thinks TV’s a bitch.

Once the segment ends, virgin Ashli admits that though she may have gotten a funky a few times (oh honey, this is something that you deny, deny, deny… not like I would know…), she definitely did not smell like ass any more than anyone else. Guido interrupts to find out what BO is. Try sniffing your own pits and you’ll get the idea. He also invites Rebecca to prove that she’s not a man, and while she declines, this leads Host Ryan to calling her and Steven up to find out if Steven can clarify the issue.

Damn

Either she’s offering her pits for a sniff test or she’s halfway through the “YMCA”

Once seated, Rebecca insists it was just back scratching, but Steven comes clean and admits he did something not quite so innocent that left him with a stinky finger in the morning. And he wasn’t sticking his hand in Ashli’s pits. As the audience goes nuts, Rebecca owns up to it but says she did not return the favor, which is really just bad form. Her elimination the next day was just karma’s way of saying don’t be a greedy whore.

Up next in the hot seat is Guido. After we’re treated to a sappy montage of his time in the house, he says to Host Ryan that after living in the states for twenty-seven two years, this is the first time he’s really felt accepted. He’s ready to find a girl, and Host Ryan announces what we’ve all known for weeks – Guido’s getting his own show. But here’s the new twist – Professor Ashley’s going to be on the show too, as Guido’s wingman! As the Professor joins Guido on the stage, it’s clear that some of the other cast members are not too happy about this extension of Ashley’s 15 minutes. Given their dynamic and friendship, Ashley’s clearly the best choice to go with Guido, but that show could quickly disintegrate into a remake of “Perfect Strangers.” Not like that’s a bad thing, I fucking love Balki. Just the thought makes me want to do the Dance of Joy! Oh, and another plus – the longer Ashley’s on our TVs, the less time he has to retard the youth of West Virgina.

Time for the montage of house fights. It’s all stuff we’ve seen before, and TV is called up to the stage with the host. Girlfriend should really learn to dress for her body type, because tank tops are not her friend. She bitches about Brandi a bit, and then reveals that Brandi supposedly called her the day after the catfight and said that the next time TV pulls her hair, it better be in bed. Ooh, scandalous! TV continues by claiming Brandi told her that Brandi wants her, but TV still thinks she’s a lying piece of shit. On that note, Brandi storms out from backstage.

On

It’s go time

Brandi gets on the stage and motions for TV to stand up while the audience goes ape shit and Host Ryan looks like he’s ready to run for cover if either girl so much as blinks. Brandi accuses TV of trying to sleep with the guys, and asks why TV had to pull the dick move of attacking her from behind rather than just swinging for her face. Because she’s a coward, Brandi. TV ignores the question, and instead accuses Brandi of being bisexual rather than a lesbian, which Brandi vehemently denies. Last time I checked, it was TV running around half-naked and sexually harassing the guys. TV then asks Brandi why she made those comments about being in bed together, and Brandi insists it was the other way around – and that TV said that shit to her. I’m getting a headache just listening to these two. I think they should hook up, just to contain all the STDs in one place.

TV starts crying, and offers the lamest apology ever – “I just wish you never put me in a position that I had to show that side of me.” That’s like saying “I’m sorry you put your head in the way of my swinging fist.” Brandi points out that TV’s making it out to be all Brandi’s fault, and TV cowardly runs off the stage. You can’t rip a girl down to the floor by her hair and then play the victim card, dumbass.

One last montage – this one of everyone crying and breaking down at various points. As it plays, virgin Ashli ruins the mood by laughing at the post-elimination clip of her bawling about losing her first love. I laughed at that too, like I do at all bad acting. Scarlett Johansson and Keanu Reeves routinely have me in stitches.

Fake

Oh, God, I DO stink!

With ten minutes left in the show, Tila finally deigns to make an appearance. Most of the contestants look a little indifferent, but Steven dorkily waves at her like a schoolboy with a crush on his teacher. Before Tila can really get settled, out comes America’s favorite lesbian – Dani! The girls embrace as Dani takes a seat onstage with Tila. Dani jokingly says she still doesn’t know why Tila didn’t pick her, as the editors re-use a shot of the skanky bitch next to Michael’s mom clutching her implants and awwing loudly. I usually wouldn’t notice something that subtle (it’s at minutes 28 and 51 according to my TiVo), but this chick’s annoying me so much with her theatrics that I want to suffocate her with the inflatable doll the dude next to her’s holding.

Tila says it was a hard decision, and explains that it was based on the fact that Dani has a really stable career and life down in Florida, and Tila didn’t want to remove Dani from her element. In other words, Bobby’s just like some purse pooch she can drag around the country after her, rather than a real adult or equal. Dani says it’s been hard for her since the show – she was contractually obligated to not speak of the result, so she was nursing a broken heart without anyone to talk to. Tila tries to cover the awkward moment by asking the audience who doesn’t love Dani, and Dani quips that Tila sure doesn’t! Dani says she’s kidding but Tila looks a little piiiiissed and her body language completely shuts down. I’m starting to believe those diva rumors more and more.

Diva

Bitch, I don’t have to pretend to be bi anymore. Don’t touch me.

Host Ryan mentions Bobby, and the fact that Tila hasn’t seen him since the show. With Dani still sitting right next to her, Tila giggles and says she and Bobby have been having some phone sex, so it’s all good. What a bitch, dude. Dani leaves the stage and is replaced by Bobby, who walks up all bowleggedly as usual, and scoops Tila into a big embrace. They flirt, giggle, and grope while Dani looks on uncomfortably from the sidelines and the host tries to engage them in conversation. When it becomes clear that these two are more interested in hooking up than being interviewed, the host calls it a wrap and the whole cast gathers to take one last shot of love.

Well, that’s it for A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, guys. Thank you all so much for reading, and for all your comments – I honestly check the site daily and am always so excited when I see a new comment from any of you! I hope you’ve enjoyed the show and the recaps, and I wish everyone a fantastic holiday and a wonderful new year! See you in 2008!

Cheers!

LoLo

Theend

About

A former newspaper reporter turned grad school refugee, LoLo joined the staff of TVGasm back in 2007 when she realized that writing recaps was a much more entertaining use of her time than studying.  Now a member of one of the most hated professions in the world, LoLo continues to mock TV when she's not chasing ambulances and sending her card to couples in the wedding announcements section of the Chicago Tribune.  LoLo then spends the rest of her time drinking, eating, and then busting ass at the gym to reverse the damage (it's a losing battle).

23 Comments

  1. 1
    snootchy bootches
    Posted December 28, 2007 at 4:29 am

    I completely agree about that attention whore… and well regular whore too.. who was sitting next to Pizza Boy’s mom. She thought the show was about her!

    Great recap and I have enjoyed reading them all season. I look forward to the next show, whatever it may be. :)

  2. 2
    Poopsicle
    Posted December 28, 2007 at 5:56 am

    This has got to be the most annoying reunion I ever tried to watch. I turned it off after 20 minutes. I knew I could just read your recap instead. I guess mtv is trying to make Tila their next star. I just don’t get it. Her personality is so grating and she has a severe case of old lady mouth.

  3. 3
    jellybean
    Posted December 28, 2007 at 6:53 am

    great recap LoLo! i loved dani throughout the whole show and am kind of glad she didn’t get picked. tila is so annoying!

  4. 4
    yankeesfan
    Posted December 28, 2007 at 7:21 am

    this show was really annoying and I almost turned it off myself…right around when ashley and the hyena laughing guy were getting into it…I wanted more never before seen footage. Dani’s hair looked like it needed a major cut though. Unless Tila is a really good actress :) then it looked like she was genuinely really excited to see Bobby. In fact it seemed like she was more into him than he was into her…unless she just really wanted to get laid!

  5. 5
    amarie_luvsTV
    Posted December 28, 2007 at 7:55 am

    That last caption was hilarious LoLo!

    I really loved the recaps-the show, not so much…

  6. 6
    jhaunt
    Posted December 28, 2007 at 8:44 am

    thanks for the great recaps. I’m in agreement with the posters that don’t think Tila is bi. I can’t wait for shot at love 2

  7. 7
    sillage3
    Posted December 28, 2007 at 8:57 am

    It is good to know that Tila and Bobbi are still together. Finally someone finds love on a reality show. I thought it was funny when Dani wanted to know why Tila didn’t pick her. Tila blew her off bad! O’well, life goes on.
    So, what show will you be recapping next? How about “Rock of love 2″? It is premiering in about two weeks. I think…
    I would love to see what people think about that show.

  8. 8
    kellyhp12
    Posted December 28, 2007 at 10:26 am

    Thanks for all the recaps! Hope u’ll be doing That’s Amore! next year b-c god know imma watch that trash too.

    Have a Happy New Year!

  9. 9
    fire@will
    Posted December 28, 2007 at 10:38 am

    I missed the reunion show (but didn’t miss it, if you get my drift). After reading your recap, I don’t think I’ll bother watching it. You and Dani were what made the show worth watching (or at least less of a waste of time).

    I’m not only surprised that Ashley will be ever be back on TV (not, not THAT “TV”, although that might be worth watching – but only if you promised to recap it), but that he hadn’t been locked up for beating up, stalking or otherwise serial molesting some former girlfriend, wife, student and/or farm animal.

  10. 10
    chelle
    Posted December 28, 2007 at 1:13 pm

    The Professor has a guest spot on the spin-off? That’s it, I was on the fence before, I’m out … (but will be back for the recaps!) Oh, of course, I say that now …

    The reunion was rather lack luster, minus Dani’s dig at Tila (and Tila did look annoyed, and if she was, well, good!)

    I’m so glad someone said something about TV looking so bad in her clothing choices – did she not WATCH any of the shows to know better??

    So how long until we hear the end of Tila & Bobby (or has it already passed!?!?)

    Please let us know what you’re recapping next – loved each & every one! (I also loved everyone comments, thanks for making the show that much better!)

  11. 11
    LoLo
    Posted December 28, 2007 at 5:12 pm

    Hey guys! Thanks for the great comments as always! The reunion was pretty bland — I guess they used up all the never-before-seen footage on that clip show a few weeks ago. Lame. It was a great ride though overall — especially because of all of you :)

    Next up for me is Top Chef, actually. The amazingly talented Flipit’s going to have his hands full with Project Runway, the special winter Big Brother, and/or American Idol, so he passed along the Top Chef honors to me. I’m really excited/nervous and I hope you’ll all join me! It doesn’t start until the first week of March, so we still have a while. In the meantime, I’ll be continuing to recap Gossip Girl when and if it has new episodes, and I’ll be helping out with one or two of the American Idol audition episodes. As for That’s Amore! it’s going to depend on the status of Gossip Girl at that time, and whether the strike is still on. Recapping two shows at once these past few months has been rough at times, and I’ll go insane if I try to take on three at once! But I’ll definitely keep you guys posted. :) If my schedule doesn’t permit me to do That’s Amore!, I’m sure we can find another great writer to cover it!

    Sillage — The fabulous Chickbomb will be covering ROL2, and I know she’s going to do a great job! And Fire@will — that image will haunt me for the rest of my days.

    Have a safe, drunktastic new years, everyone!

    LoLo

  12. 12
    MichyPR
    Posted December 28, 2007 at 6:59 pm

    Ugh I hated this reunion, everyone was so fake and I thought that Ryan was getting in the middle of every argument just to get some more camera time for his ugly mug. I agree with Yankeesfan that it seemed like Tila was more into Bobby than he was into her, that would be hilarious. I kinda felt bad for Dani when she said that Tila didn’t love her and I remember thinking “Awkward!” Anyways, great recaps LoLo, always entertaining :)

  13. 13
    angiemarie
    Posted December 28, 2007 at 8:06 pm

    Thanks for all the great recaps, LoLo. I enjoyed every trashtastic minute of this show, and I can’t wait for That’s Amore.

    I’m excited you will be recapping Top Chef. You are really moving up in the reality tv ranks. Mission Man Band to A Shot At Love to Top Chef. Nice progression!

  14. 14
    trey
    Posted December 28, 2007 at 8:31 pm

    I never really understand why people join these shows. Who goes on teevee to get dates? Attention whores? Sluts? All of the above? Gues someone has to, or we wouldn’t have shows. D8

  15. 15
    chooch850
    Posted December 29, 2007 at 3:30 am

    I’ve really enjoyed reading your recaps LoLo…. I was happy to hear Guido was getting his own show. I thought it would be cute… then they bring Ashley into the mix and now I’m not so thrilled….

    Great to hear you got Top Chef and I will be a faithful reader. Hope it’s a good season!

  16. 16
    Nads
    Posted December 30, 2007 at 12:44 am

    Happy New Year LoLo! Loved ur recaps.

  17. 17
    blahblah
    Posted December 30, 2007 at 2:47 pm

    Nice job @ recapping this train wreck.

    It was really hard for me to actually watch the show, so your recaps were a Godsend.

    Amanda, STFU.

    Krystal (or Crystal) used this show as a way to educate her family about lesbians? Wow. She must hate women.

    Tila’s a real butter-face.

  18. 18
    blahblah
    Posted December 30, 2007 at 2:51 pm

    Also, I’m looking at the reunion show now and that chick in the audience who thinks she’s a lost cast member IS annoying.

    One of the show’s producers should’ve seated TV next to her. :)

  19. 19
    blahblah
    Posted December 30, 2007 at 2:57 pm

    Wait, so are they in a relationship? I read somewhere that Tila was already in an rship. I’m a pretty good body language detective and Tila is waaaay more into Bobby than he is into her. Or maybe he’s just a private person (who came on TV to find “love”)…

    Tila’s personality grates. That’s one more reason not to be at home on New Year’s.

  20. 20
    yankeesfan
    Posted December 31, 2007 at 6:44 am

    so I was watching parts of the reunion again yesterday and realized I forgot to comment on Bobbi’s tan! WTF! Why do all of the reality show contestants think they need to come to the reunion show with a tan?! He’s from upstate NY, I highly doubt that is au natural!

  21. 21
    MidwestNomad
    Posted December 31, 2007 at 11:40 am

    Quick notes: 1. The Team Brandi/Team Vanny shirts in the audience. Seriously? It was big enough a rivalry to have fans on both sides with T-shirts ready? Really? 2. Steven’s reasoning for giving a **** massage has become a new running joke with MissNomad. It was something like “I was just being a gentleman.” 3. **** massage. Haven’t heard that phrase, and it’s hilarious. 4. Tila’s explanation to Dani boiled down to “you’re too adult/classy for me.” I don’t mind it, because it’s true. I would watch a Dani spinoff. 5. Tila and Bobby make me sick, but not in the “they’re so cute they’re sickening” way. It’s just kind of…. I feel like I’m watching something I shouldn’t.

  22. 22
    kevintheomanharris
    Posted January 1, 2008 at 6:55 am

    well according to the new years thing, tila and bobby are “broken up”. and he “couldnt deal with her busy schedule”.

    so yeah, shot at love 2…..

  23. 23
    sillage3
    Posted January 3, 2008 at 10:12 am

    Hey, I just read this on some web site..
    During MTV’s live New Year’s Eve programming, Tequila said that Banhart had broken up with her because of her hectic work schedule.

    “He couldn’t handle it,” she said. “He broke up with me.”

    However, Banhart said in a Dec. 30 message posted on MySpace that “she never called me after the last show and no one would give me her number.”

    I think this show was a fake the whole time. Now a part two airing this spring?

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