Happy holidays, everyone! For those of you looking to escape the family for a little bit – or stuck working this week – sit back, relax, and enjoy the trainwreck that is the A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila: The Reunion!
Buckle your condoms, it’s gonna be a bumpy penis.
Our brave host, Ryan, comes out as the cast goes wild, humping each other and screaming crazily. He quickly goes through the introductions. Lance the professional clown makes ridiculous faces and a complete ass out of himself, Amanda’s more excited to see herself than anyone is to see her, and Guido receives lots of audience love. A few of the nobody cast members decided to ditch out (Chaos, Scout, and Alex, who is on tour with the Spice Girls and hoping to impress Posh with his worm moves), while Brandi is held backstage to prevent her from clawing out Tranny Vanny’s eyes just yet. Bobby, Dani, and Tila are also in the house, but sequestered for the time being.
After a few moments mocking Hey-Girl-Hey (who is disappointingly coherent but has a super cute hair cut), the virgins, and Lala for being too good for a bisexual show, Host Ryan turns to douchebag Marcus and asks him to do his fake, looking for camera time laugh. Marcus complies of course, while Professor Ashley stands up and declares that Marcus sounds like a retarded hyena on crack. An accurate observation, which prompts Marcus to start dancing around and do bad impressions of Ashley. The Professor gets in his face while Marcus spits the same line over and over, like a jammed Chatty Cathy doll. The Professor finally shoves Marcus over a row of seats and onto TV and Amanda, before Butterface Ryan pulls him away. It’s possible one of the girls got kicked in the face, but really could you even tell afterwards? The boys then begin a pillow/inflatable doll fight. Such manly men, look what Tila’s missing. I’m just thankful that despite his best efforts, Marcus is not getting his own show from this.
If these are the options, then I’m sorry Mr. Ed, but saddle up.
Host Ryan finally regains control, and lets pizza boy Michael make an announcement – he’s brought his momma to the show! Mrs. Michael is a sweet little lady who’s way too normal to be subjected to this crap, but she gamely answers the host’s questions while the skanky bitch next to her plays up to the camera with exaggerated reactions and preening. If you think Michael’s so cute, let him sleep on your couch or STFU.
We then get a series of new clips, showing us what the contestants really thought about each other. Bobby says he can’t stand the Professor, practically everyone is convinced Michael is gay, Guido believes that Rebecca used to be a dude, and the Professor says virgin Ashli has bad BO and smells like ass. Ryan thinks Dani’s about to cross that line from woman to man, and Amanda viciously calls Dani a hypocritical whore, along with other words that get bleeped out. Dani, in turn, thinks Ryan’s retarded and self-absorbed. Brandi thinks Steven’s a know-it-all, while Amanda calls him podunk. Steven doesn’t think too highly of Amanda, either, and says she’s fug while Guido and TV (oh the irony) call Amanda a transvestite. Everyone thinks TV’s a bitch.
Once the segment ends, virgin Ashli admits that though she may have gotten a funky a few times (oh honey, this is something that you deny, deny, deny… not like I would know…), she definitely did not smell like ass any more than anyone else. Guido interrupts to find out what BO is. Try sniffing your own pits and you’ll get the idea. He also invites Rebecca to prove that she’s not a man, and while she declines, this leads Host Ryan to calling her and Steven up to find out if Steven can clarify the issue.
Either she’s offering her pits for a sniff test or she’s halfway through the “YMCA”
Once seated, Rebecca insists it was just back scratching, but Steven comes clean and admits he did something not quite so innocent that left him with a stinky finger in the morning. And he wasn’t sticking his hand in Ashli’s pits. As the audience goes nuts, Rebecca owns up to it but says she did not return the favor, which is really just bad form. Her elimination the next day was just karma’s way of saying don’t be a greedy whore.
Up next in the hot seat is Guido. After we’re treated to a sappy montage of his time in the house, he says to Host Ryan that after living in the states for twenty-seven two years, this is the first time he’s really felt accepted. He’s ready to find a girl, and Host Ryan announces what we’ve all known for weeks – Guido’s getting his own show. But here’s the new twist – Professor Ashley’s going to be on the show too, as Guido’s wingman! As the Professor joins Guido on the stage, it’s clear that some of the other cast members are not too happy about this extension of Ashley’s 15 minutes. Given their dynamic and friendship, Ashley’s clearly the best choice to go with Guido, but that show could quickly disintegrate into a remake of “Perfect Strangers.” Not like that’s a bad thing, I fucking love Balki. Just the thought makes me want to do the Dance of Joy! Oh, and another plus – the longer Ashley’s on our TVs, the less time he has to retard the youth of West Virgina.
Time for the montage of house fights. It’s all stuff we’ve seen before, and TV is called up to the stage with the host. Girlfriend should really learn to dress for her body type, because tank tops are not her friend. She bitches about Brandi a bit, and then reveals that Brandi supposedly called her the day after the catfight and said that the next time TV pulls her hair, it better be in bed. Ooh, scandalous! TV continues by claiming Brandi told her that Brandi wants her, but TV still thinks she’s a lying piece of shit. On that note, Brandi storms out from backstage.
It’s go time
Brandi gets on the stage and motions for TV to stand up while the audience goes ape shit and Host Ryan looks like he’s ready to run for cover if either girl so much as blinks. Brandi accuses TV of trying to sleep with the guys, and asks why TV had to pull the dick move of attacking her from behind rather than just swinging for her face. Because she’s a coward, Brandi. TV ignores the question, and instead accuses Brandi of being bisexual rather than a lesbian, which Brandi vehemently denies. Last time I checked, it was TV running around half-naked and sexually harassing the guys. TV then asks Brandi why she made those comments about being in bed together, and Brandi insists it was the other way around – and that TV said that shit to her. I’m getting a headache just listening to these two. I think they should hook up, just to contain all the STDs in one place.
TV starts crying, and offers the lamest apology ever – “I just wish you never put me in a position that I had to show that side of me.” That’s like saying “I’m sorry you put your head in the way of my swinging fist.” Brandi points out that TV’s making it out to be all Brandi’s fault, and TV cowardly runs off the stage. You can’t rip a girl down to the floor by her hair and then play the victim card, dumbass.
One last montage – this one of everyone crying and breaking down at various points. As it plays, virgin Ashli ruins the mood by laughing at the post-elimination clip of her bawling about losing her first love. I laughed at that too, like I do at all bad acting. Scarlett Johansson and Keanu Reeves routinely have me in stitches.
Oh, God, I DO stink!
With ten minutes left in the show, Tila finally deigns to make an appearance. Most of the contestants look a little indifferent, but Steven dorkily waves at her like a schoolboy with a crush on his teacher. Before Tila can really get settled, out comes America’s favorite lesbian – Dani! The girls embrace as Dani takes a seat onstage with Tila. Dani jokingly says she still doesn’t know why Tila didn’t pick her, as the editors re-use a shot of the skanky bitch next to Michael’s mom clutching her implants and awwing loudly. I usually wouldn’t notice something that subtle (it’s at minutes 28 and 51 according to my TiVo), but this chick’s annoying me so much with her theatrics that I want to suffocate her with the inflatable doll the dude next to her’s holding.
Tila says it was a hard decision, and explains that it was based on the fact that Dani has a really stable career and life down in Florida, and Tila didn’t want to remove Dani from her element. In other words, Bobby’s just like some purse pooch she can drag around the country after her, rather than a real adult or equal. Dani says it’s been hard for her since the show – she was contractually obligated to not speak of the result, so she was nursing a broken heart without anyone to talk to. Tila tries to cover the awkward moment by asking the audience who doesn’t love Dani, and Dani quips that Tila sure doesn’t! Dani says she’s kidding but Tila looks a little piiiiissed and her body language completely shuts down. I’m starting to believe those diva rumors more and more.
Bitch, I don’t have to pretend to be bi anymore. Don’t touch me.
Host Ryan mentions Bobby, and the fact that Tila hasn’t seen him since the show. With Dani still sitting right next to her, Tila giggles and says she and Bobby have been having some phone sex, so it’s all good. What a bitch, dude. Dani leaves the stage and is replaced by Bobby, who walks up all bowleggedly as usual, and scoops Tila into a big embrace. They flirt, giggle, and grope while Dani looks on uncomfortably from the sidelines and the host tries to engage them in conversation. When it becomes clear that these two are more interested in hooking up than being interviewed, the host calls it a wrap and the whole cast gathers to take one last shot of love.
Well, that’s it for A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, guys. Thank you all so much for reading, and for all your comments – I honestly check the site daily and am always so excited when I see a new comment from any of you! I hope you’ve enjoyed the show and the recaps, and I wish everyone a fantastic holiday and a wonderful new year! See you in 2008!