Toddlers and Tiaras: Cowl Necks and Wah-Wahhs

Can I get a what-what?!?

We’re back South where pageants belong!  We open this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras with Pageant Director Maxine Tinnel, whom we’ve seen before.  She’s sort of a cross of Minnie Driver and the actress who played Fran in an obscure Australian movie called Strictly Ballroom – if you haven’t seen it, check it out, it is hilarious.  Maxine, however, looks like she wants to quit the glamorous showbiz world of pageants and just get married like her mother keeps telling her to.

Seriously, kill me now.  Please.  I beg of you.

This is the Southern Celebrity – North Carolina Pageant and girls are coming from North and South Carolina, Maryland, and Virginia.  Maxine is very serious about the glitz saying if the dress has stones on it, it’s a glitz dress.  Hope no one’s throwing them.  Actually, that would be fantastic to have someone wear a rock dress and throw them at the judges.

First up is the oddly named three-year-old Aniston who lives in Florence, South Carolina, yeeeeee-haaaa!  I was serious when I said in the About Last Night that it would be so cool if her middle name was Jolie!  Aniston is a hellion to the tenth power and mom April says she’s passed the pageant torch to Aniston.  I’m going to tell her what I told a mother at Target today…”Looks like your kid doesn’t need another cup of coffee this morning.” Oh my God, someone Ritalin that child!

Just like captain of the Titanic, she’s managing a sinking ship.

Aniston has been competing since she was six months and has 70 titles.  Mom tells us she had her in up to two pageants a weekend and she sort of burned her out.  Ya THINK?  “And now that she’s turned three, she’s kind of unpredictable, so I don’t know where she’s going to take this,” she says.  She’d be taken to Mr. Paddle if I were in charge.

I would beat the f#ck out of a kid who spit on me.

OH MY GOD, she just spit all over her mother.  I am not kidding, that kid ate popcorn then spit it on her mother ON PURPOSE.  I would have smacked that kid into next week and shoved her gullet FULL of Lifeboy, not caring if she went blind.  I also would have done all of this off-camera.  Instead, April says, “That’s not nice” while Aniston just laughs in her face.

Next up is our normal kid of the episode who is from Snow Hill, North Carolina.  Six year old April is surrounded by brothers and is shown fishing (and touching worms, ewww!), and she’s a great mix of tomboy and glitz girl.  She’s really pretty and mom Diane is so proud of her.

She’s passing worms to her dad.  They should probably consult a doctor soon.

April is our good egg of the episode.  She says she wants to be in pageants until she’s 29, which I guess is when life ends for most pageant princesses.  And any woman who is not close to being married.  Ahem.

You can tell April’s mother Diane makes great cookies.  How adorable is she?

On Solomon’s Island, Maryland, we meet Teeghan, which, really?  Teeghan is what you landed on?  How many epidurals did the hospital give you?  Mom Jamie says Teeghan is going to bring her home the Southern Celebrity crown, and there it is – the pageant is really all about mom getting the crown.  I know, I’m shocked too.  (By the way, I found out Teeghan is an Australian name, so a shout-out to our Aussie friends!  I guess Russell Crowe looks pretty tame now that Mel Gibson’s gone all bat-shit crazy!)
Also, Jamie is sporting what I thought was sort of a cute ensemble…jeans, long-sleeved white shirt and beige cowl neck-y kind of sweater.  Keep your eye on this as some form of this outfit makes its appearance in some way, shape or form in EVERY BLOODY SCENE SHE’S IN.

Our introduction to Jamie’s obsession with this ensemble.

Teeghan has only been doing pageants for a few months and has brought home the supreme title in 8 out 10.  Not too shabby.  She does have an interesting way of talking, sort of holding her lips in like an old lady holding her teeth in (no, she doesn’t have a flipper)…and it makes me want to get some Nair for her upper lip, you know, just in case.

And she’s not even wearing a flipper.

Oh, goodie!  Jamie was a pageant princess too and we get to see footage of her walking across the stage in a bathing suit.  She’s actually pretty cute. Then she says, “I did pageants with Eva Longoria.”  Oh my God, I sat on a plane in front of Sigourney Weaver once!  We’re both almost famous now!

Jamie says she was thrilled to have a “little girl to do pageants and be a cheerleader.”  Aim high, Jamie, aim high.  Ever thought about moving BACK to Texas?

Ensemble version #2…different neck, but same concept.

Since Teeghan is “only three,” Jamie tells us “she has the focus of a fly.”  No shit.  Does she need medication?  Because a sack of Benedryl can be your friend, or at least mine.

Back with Aniston, she apparently likes to help mom April do hair, because she’s curling and straightening and completely hosing her hairpiece with hairspray.  Maybe she just likes to huff on the hairspray?  April says she’s a hairdresser and Aniston has been watching her “for years.”  Yeah, that first year I think she was just trying to focus on the big blob with the boobs known as “mealtime,” a.k.a. April.

I’ll huff…and puff…and blow your…can I get an Intervention here?

Dad Brad says he thinks they’ve spent near $200,000 the whole time she’s been doing pageants.  AAAAAAACK!  I think my parents spent that much raising me to an adult, but the had the good sense not to spend $2000 on a single piece of clothing every time I needed something.  Jesus, what is wrong with people these days!

Speaking of April, the Good April and mom Diane are working on making her dress for the pageant, a really pretty yellow and turquoise (I came around on that) dress.  Diane makes all of April’s dresses and girlfriend could run a business with her mad dress-making skillz – she does a great job and doesn’t get high or luxuriate on any glitz glue.

Woman has some mad skillz with the glue gun.

Back with Teeeeeeeghan, they are choosing outfit of choice.  Dad Daniel is in the scene and is somewhat surprised as some of the new items he sees.  He’s a pilot and they are on a fixed income, so you know pageant clothes are their best investment right now.  Jamie basically says she hides what she buys from him and prefers to ask for forgiveness instead of “ask for permission,” as she butchers the real saying.  “That’s my motto.”  Well, get it right next time.  Also, this is why people get divorced – hiding financial issues.

“I could buy her a new dress for every single pageant we’ve done,” she begins, the hesitates and finishes, “which I guess I have done.”  Man, you’d better be able to make those hand-me-downs to your other kids.  “I don’t want her to lose because I didn’t provide her what she needed,” Jamie says.  Yeah, I think you should think in terms of food, not glitz dresses.

Aniston is practicing with family friend Kelly, a.k.a. April’s lesbian lover, I’m guessing.  Both women are trying to get Aniston to practice and they might as well go out and toss a few back.  April says Aniston is “lacking in the modeling” department but I’m pretty sure she mean “manners” department.

Aniston’s two mommies look an awful lot alike.

On the other hand, April is practicing a lot and then she freaks out when she makes a mistake and wants to be left alone.  Diane tells us April gets upset when she messes up.  Her tantrum?  Going to her room quietly and asking not to be bothered, but then coming back out and sitting on the sofa hugging on her mother.  Seriously?  Great kid.  I’ve got nothing here.

At first I thought it was Clark Kent, but then I saw her name and realized it wasn’t.

Ah, Jamie, the cowl neck continues to impress. She is taking Teeghan to get hosed with chemicals to turn her toasty brown.  Jamie admits she doesn’t tell people she tans her kid and Daniel doesn’t really like it.  But we know how it works in that family, so when she says, “Oh, go fly a plane,” he actually does.

You know, I don’t think the Nazis sucked on candy when they gassed people, did they?

Oh – here’s the best part…April tans Aniston by spraying her except for her face.  She puts the tanner on her hands and rubs it in because she’s worried about the chemicals and Aniston inhaling that.  However, hosing the hairspray up her nose from 3 inches away is totally fine.  People justify things like there is no tomorrow.

I’d be crying too if I had to inhale that much hairspray, Jesus!

Aniston is at a photo shoot and we get the word of the day:  Facially.  April says Aniston is really strong “facially,” which I believe translates to “she has a fat ass.”  “She does well in facial pageants,” April says.  Well doyeee.

Why must they all be so creepy?

Then Aniston throws a fit and won’t sit still because “she’s very unpredictable.”  No, she’s a spoiled brat.  The photographer tells us that round one goes to the kid.  Not in my house, but I don’t keep kids here since they passed the child labor laws.

Ah, Jamie, the beige sweater and t-shirt…this is actually a v-neck, but still has the nubby appeal of her cowlneck (they look like they are from the same line).  Jamie and Daniel have two other kids, but what does it matter when one of them is a pageant princess and the baby projectile vomits?  Oh, that is NASTY.

Pageant day!  Competition is beauty wear, outfit of choice and what is casually referred to as “talent.”  Teeghan is getting her hair and makeup done and Jamie calls her “sassy.”  Teeghan screams she wants the hairpiece out because “IT’S KILLING ME! TAKE IT OUT!!!!”  Jamie tells us that Teeghan hates the hairpiece and eyelashes.  “I wanna go home,” she whines.  Everyone else wants you to go home too!

Already?  The pageant hasn’t even started yet!

And our second whiner of the day, Aniston, woke up on the wrong side of the bed which is “any.”  They are teasing her hair and that probably hurts like hell.  Kelly brought her twin daughters to compete and they are good kids, important since their mother seems to be spending all her time with Bratty McBratster.

It’s all part of the process.  That’s what Satan’s going to tell you too.

April is getting her makeup done by a person who complains about her not being tanned or having her hair rolled.  Oh, get over it, she looks fine.  Diane interviews that she’s Greek and her husband is like 1/32 “Indian” by which I think she means “Native American,” unless of course he’s cousins with Apu.  April looks beautiful when she’s done.

She doesn’t tan, either, you ignorant hilljack and butcher of the English language.

All the judges look like they might be playing for the other team and I’m guessing at least one of them dated Jodi Foster.  They are all looking for the total and complete package and girls who like to play golf, install electrical sockets and worship Rachel Maddow.  Fight the power my sisters.

If you’re done with the dildo, can I have it?

Oh my God, Jamie, seriously, I know that baby of yours is new, but wear something other than that damn cowl neck to the tenth power.  Now I’m bored with that outfit and I didn’t even get to put it together for the fall.  Jamie says she wants Teeghan to win because that way she knows her kid is “the most beautiful facially.”  Well, she sure isn’t beautiful in the manners department, oh my God why doesn’t that kid shut up?!?!?!

Teeghan makes her plans for the day.

Teeghan stands up in one of the theater chairs and it flips on her, falls between the crack of the chair and now she’s hysterical.  Jamie says she’ll either get over it or it will ruin the whole day.  Jesus, you sound like our local meteorologists…it’s either going to rain or it’s not.  How do I get a job where I can f#ck up half the time and still get paid to be on TV?

Everyone is predicting the three-year-old division is going to be tough because there is just a ton of competition.  Pageant Director Maxine says three year olds are not judged on their stage walk, mostly because they still seem to move headfirst when they walk.

Teeghan is up first and Jamie is right behind her because why now?  Teeghan smiles in a way that makes it look like she’s smelling stinky cheese.  She turns her back and shakes her booty at the judges, which, what?  Did you pick that up from mommy on her naughty days?  Dad Daniel says, “It is going…in-ter-esting-ly.”  He says he knows the competition is stiff but she’s a joy to watch onstage.  Which is the opposite of what it is to be in her presence.

Limburger or daddy’s feet?  Who can tell?

Kelly takes Aniston onstage because she doesn’t want her mommy with her…so she takes mommy 2.0.  Aniston doesn’t smile, rocks her head back and forth and I’m thinking they could have done so much more with that $200,000.  She sucks and looks like she absolutely positively hates it.  April says she’s proud of her, probably because her standards are ungodly LOW.

The exact moment Aniston’s emotions disconnect from reality altogether.

April is up next and looks beautiful in her yellow and turquoise dress.  She has a beautiful and real smile but she does look a little nervous.  Diane says she tries to stay calm but it’s hard.  She’s really cute and dad says, “She nailed that.”

Oh, Aniston, will you stop whining if we put lipgloss on your horse (outfit of choice?  Western wear).  Speaking of attitudes, Teeghan’s is back.  I don’t think it ever left, but whatever.  Jamie says she’s sweating.  How about taking off a cowl neck?

April is totally and completely glammed up in her Rhinestone Cowboy Western wear outfit.  She has sparkles on her eyes and lips and I am sooo completely jealous.  She looks awesome, but when I wear all those hot pink sparkles all over my face, suddenly I don’t have any credibility at work.  There’s your fair world for ya!

The girly girl in me wants to run to Sephora right now!

Outfit of choice…well, we have two kids dressed like brats.  Teeghan is wearing a poodle skirt and glasses and I have to admit, she looks great in those glasses.  Maybe it’s because she looks like a cool grandmother with the glasses and the mouth movement like she’s holding her teeth in.  Jamie says she did okay but forgot a few steps.  At least you didn’t forget your cowl neck.

Jamie, what the f#ck?  At least buy them in different colors next time.

Aniston is up next and dances around a little, then throws her horse down on the ground and walks around Kelly like a depressed housewife.  April says Aniston didn’t perform on her horse like she does at home.  Man, I know there is a dirty joke in there somewhere.

In case you are clueless, your daughter HATES PAGEANTS!

Kid April is up with her Western wear and she KICKS ASS!  First of all, the hot pink/coral color is perfect for her coloring but then she did a move where I was like, whoa, Coyote Ugly, you know your dad is watching, right?  But she’s a good kid and I’m willing to let this go because she’ll probably be teaching rocket science at UNC.

This I found disturbing, but the color rocks.

Oh crap.  Teeghan is doing talent and dad Daniel got suckered into being a part of it.  He’s wearing his flight suit, which meow (by law, all women must meow at a man in uniform), and Teeghan rides some kind of toy airplane, which isn’t really a talent as much as something she’s going to do.  Dad says, “I feel the need…” and waits for Teeghan to Goose him.  “I feel the need…” he says again and finally she’s like, “The need for speed, whatever, get me out of this Mickey-Mouse joint and get me a scotch.”

April tells us Aniston is a little “off” today and her energy level has waned.  Then stuff her full of Red Bull, dammit, I need more whine with recap!  What would her talent possibly be anyway?

“If you’re gonna do real talent, you need to have a real talent,” Maxine says, almost forming a coherent sentence.  Think how much Teeghan is going to suck in their eyes!

Teeghan pushes her airplane onstage and dad says, “I feel the need…” and she mumbles something…”the what?” dad begs….”the need for SPEED!” she screams.  Oh my God, get off the stage.

For future reference, pushing yourself across the stage is not talent.  Just ask Jessica Simpson.

April freaks about her tap routine – right before going on, she says she forgot her whole routine.  But once she gets onstage and the music starts, she remembers.  However, her face hasn’t forgotten and she looks very nervous.  She does, however, kick ass and look adorable in her 1940s USO uniform…so cute.

J’adore her.

Lesbians in Space tell us this was a very hard competition to judge.  Next time, go back stage so you can get the real scoop on these brats.  That would have made it easier for sure.

Jamie is freaking out and says her stomach is in knots and butterflies.  Don’t tie the butterflies in knots, you heartless bitch!  I WILL call P.E.T.A.!  Daniel tells her to take a deep breath and calm down.  Wait until she sees how far facial beauty helped her brat this time.  She’s convinced Teeghan’s winning a supreme title.  Only if it’s at the local pizza shop!

Hello Child Services?  Get me the f#ck out of here!

Most beautiful…not Teeghan.  Ouch!  Jamie says facial beauty is probably the main focus of the pageant.  Thanks for giving us that clue, Dick Tracy.  “It’s the main focus in life as well,” she…laments?

Best personality…Aniston!  What the f#ck?  She’s awful!  Talent Winner…Teeghan.  Wow, the others must have sucked it, or she was the only one who did talent in the three-year-old division.  Pageant Princess?  Teeghan!  Ouch!  Sucks to be you Jamie.  Jamie says she was surprised because she thought Teeghan was “better than her competition…maybe?”  Way to be sure of yourself and your facially beautiful daughter.

So, basically, your child is facially ugly.  I guess there won’t be any competition’s with Eva Longoria’s kids, if she ever actually does get prego.

Queen?  Aniston!  Man, these judges are morons.  Neither of these girls move on for supreme titles.  Jamie was absolutely convinced Teeghan would pull out.  Then the announcer pulls a totally dick move and says Aniston, Teeghan, and the girl who actually did pull out for supreme were “tied.”  Bitch, you should have kept that to yourself, that just make people feel worse.

“It was broke on facial beauty and taken back to the judges,” Maxine tells us, dead eyes glazing over.  So basically, Teeghan and Aniston were uglier than the girl who won.  Jamie is displeased, and I’m being polite.  April says she spoke to the judges and they said competition was tough and Aniston was a beautiful little girl (so, you are validated, April).  They also asked if April and Kelly wanted to join them later at the Gold Star club. Ahem.

April’s division is up next…April is so pretty in her red dress, she reminds me of Rhona Mitra, who played Reese Witherspoon’s New York friend/model in Sweet Home Alabama.  Not such a bad deal.

Best personality…not April (stupid judges).  Talent winner…April!  Damn straight.  Celebrity Princess?  April.  OH THAT IS BULLSHIT!  She totally deserves a super-supreme 5-cheese with extra sausage and bacon heart-stopping award.  What the hell?  He dad says he’s proud and he gets all choked up.  I love this family.

The face of someone who was just robbed of a well-deserved Supreme Pan Pizza title with cheesey breadsticks and cinnamon sticks.  Stupid judges, get back to Lilith fair and forget to shave something.

Diane says she’s thrilled she won talent because April was so worried about it, and April is pretty happy about it too.

Jamie kvetches that Teeghan is only three so what can you do, wah-wah-wahhh as Daniel tells Teeghan he’s proud of her.  Thanks for the support, Iceman.  “I get disappointed when she loses, but it’s all part of the experience.”  Yeah, the experience of having a loser for a daughter.
”I’m done,” Teeghan says.  I hear ya.  The only thing this show DID NOT NEED was MORE COWL NECK!