Toddlers and Tiaras: Groovy Girls!

Pageant Director Tonya Bailey opens this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras with her wide-eyed excitement over the Groovy Girls Pageant.

I know just what you mean.

I know she commented on a recap one time to tell us that contrary to my armchair doctoring, she did not have a thyroid condition. I’ll assume the lights make her eyes so wide then.

Ironic screen grab, considering…

But I’m throwing this group of pageant people props because the whole “Groovy Girls” thing is something we really haven’t seen before and it’s pretty funny. One disappointment: No Josie and the Pussycats in the “Groovy Wear” category. And they have a seven foot lighted peace sign on the stage! SEVEN FEET OF PEACE!
In Crowley, Texas, we hear Henry Mancini’s “Walk of the Baby Elephant” as we re-meet Taralyn and her mother Traci. They are at the sink washing Taralyn’s hairpiece with some red-enhancing shampoo. As most of you may remember, Taralyn has beautiful red hair, is adorable and well-mannered. So basically, I’ve got nothing here.
Now she’s six years old and she says her red hair lights the stage “ON FIRE!” and she makes the most hilarious face. Looking up at all of her crowns, she says her neck is tired. No kidding, some of them are mesmerizing.

Indeed.

In Springtown, Texas, five year old Brooklyn is also adorable. And well-manner. WTF TLC? Mom Kandice (come on? A “K”? That’s not enough to work with!) says they love bling and even her horse blanket has fringe on it. I bet that horse is pisssssed.
Kandice tell us that Brooklyn and her sister spend all day outside, especially in the summer. Hope they wear sunscreen! We see footage of Brooklyn swinging and then the single rope holding the seat breaks from fraying too much and she falls to the ground. Ouch and lawsuit!

Skidmark!

Kandice tells us that pageants have taught her daughter “how to be a little girl.” She’s been “pulling” supreme titles since she started about a year ago. I’ve just been “pulling my back out” lately.
“A lot of kids don’t get to have these kinds of memories,” Kandice says. Yes, because they have THEIR OWN memories which may be just as good or, as kids would say, “Gooder!”

I’ll give you $50 for that crown.

Rut-roh! Here’s the drama! Brooklyn and Taralyn are frenemies! Well, they are really just friends and competitors and have been for years – Taralyn usually places ahead of Brooklyn. Wouldn’t it be awesome if their mothers got into a major catfight at the pageant? Well, don’t hold your breath; the mothers are well behaved too. Snore!
In Carrollton, Texas, yet another McMansion holds a pageant girl. Mom Patrice tells us that her daughter Zanna’s motto is “It’s all about me.” I find that hard to believe, Zanna, since it’s really all about ME.

Don’t let looks or attitude deceive…she’s actually really nice. Dammit.

Patrice tells us Zanna is a natural little fighter. She says Zanna was just over a pound when she was born – she was feisty then and feisty now. Man, I buy boxes of pasta that big. Luckily they don’t give me too much lip. Usually.
Zanna calls herself a diva but she’s too well-mannered for that. You’re more like a Girl Scout, honey. Zanna never comes home empty-handed. Just like a sorority girl.
Taralyn’s dad Todd is a pageant dad, building her a hanging disco ball they can take with them to the pageant. He and Taralyn put the whole thing together as he tell us she likes to hammer nails and drill, and we see his hand dangerously close to where she’s drilling two boards together. “Under close supervision, of course,” he tells us. Oh, dammit, I can’t even get him on that. Where’s my whackadoodle family already? Well, Todd is thrilled as any dad – he got to spend time with his daughter AND use power tools. That’s a great weekend right there, I know from experience.

Can I be the next Spider Man?

Back in Springtown, Brooklyn’s “Groovy Wear” is a take on Charlie’s Angels which is totally cool and even COOLER are the two life-size cutouts of Brooklyn dressed as the brunette angels she’s using as props! I always considered myself a Jaclyn Smith – brunette but not mannish like the other one.

I have some that are similar except it’s George Clooney. Both of them.

Grandma’s here! Except she likes to be called “Mimi” because she doesn’t want to accept the fact that she’s getting older. She used to participate in beauty pageants when she was younger but not to the extent girls do them now. Kandice says about Brooklyn, “Look at her, she’s lit-en up,” then turns to her mother and says, “Lit-en up, is that a word, I don’t think so.” Dammit to the bowels of bloody hell, who’s the recapper here? I might as well pack up and go home. Except I’m already home. Can I do nothing today?
“I am so proud of you,” Kandice says to Brooklyn. Seriously, where’s the booze?
Taralyn is at the salon for a deep conditioning. They wrap a plastic cap over her head and put her under the hairdryer. She reads a book and stays quiet. What the hell is up with that?

Oh, great temper tantrum, thanks Taralyn.

Her hairstylist says she’s quiet and shy and but TLC does show us footage of Taralyn making noise and running around the salon a little. OMG, her hair looks gorgeous, I would kill for that hair. Just not Taralyn, she’s too cute.
Back at Zanna’s house, she’s practicing with Shakeeta. Is that Coach or Miss? Get with the program! They practice their James Brown routine because “it shows so much of her personality.” Yikes!
Patrice tells us pageants are a family affair and that her daughter Zoe competes as well, so it’s two times the cost fun. “If a pageant is $1800 to enter, it’s $3600 for us,” she says. Wait. It’s $1800 to enter a pageant. Seriously? I mean, I know we’ve seen where it’s $300 but $1800? Holy shit, they DO make money with these things. Dad Charles says he knows it’s expensive but they do what they have to do. But do you HAVE to pay that? Man.
Patrice says over the past two months she’s spent more than $10,000. Again, WTF? Look, I guess if you have that kind of money, fine, but it seems like you could be doing so much more with it. Like giving it to me. For that kind of money, I’d throw a pageant and BOTH your girls could win Grand Supreme. My dogs are very impartial judges. Just make sure both girls have a bag of Snausages and they’re in! (I guess most pageant girls could just bring their mothers instead of Snausages, right?).

Looks like she’s stoned and just got back from IKEA. Happens to the best of us.

Charles says they are in it for fun. “You lose, you win,” he says, much like Confucius. At least he has a grasp of how these pageants work.
Taralyn’s dad calls himself a roadie – he gets the props ready for Taralyn and makes sure there’s plenty of coke and blow-job giving groupies in the dressing room. I may have embellished that last part.
He even helps tan! Putting a plastic cap on her priceless hair, he tells Taralyn she looks like she could be serving lunch at the cafeteria. The reason they tan at home is because the first time they had her spray tanned the person spraying turned her into George Hamilton. Also, it gives dad a chance to use his power spraying paint gun on his kid. Again with the power tools! I love this family.

Don’t underestimate the bond between power tool and pageant girl.

Brooklyn is brushing her hairpiece with her mother and Kandice says they like to do everything bigger in Texas. I know, that’s why I love that state. They just don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks and if they could be their own country they would. Amen.
Brooklyn wants her fake nails put on and Kandice tells us she doesn’t think it’s very PC for a kid who is five to have acrylic nails. Hold that thought. Also, you are completely right. She spray tans Brooklyn, which she hates to do because she has a conscience, but says they have to in order to compete.

And guess where Brooklyn gets her good looks and nice manners?

Wow, you might want to use more skin-related tones than the brown-as-a-berry tone you picked. Kandice says she hates having her daughter go to school on Monday all tanned. Well, it’s Texas, so chances are every girl and a few boys were spray-tanned for their pageants too.
Just because Kandice doesn’t need no stinkin’ acrylics doesn’t mean Zanna feels the same way. She’s having some major ones put on…in fact, at first I thought she was doing the whole Flo-Jo thing and having 4” nails put on, but then the lady cut them to normal size. Why waste all of that product, it’s just going into the landfill, isn’t it? You’re welcome, global climate change!

How about a Twilight pageant?

Patrice says she does acrylics because the fake ones always pop off. So instead of Zanna picking up her awards at one pageant, she was busy on the floor picking up her lost finger nails. Wow, that sounds like a hooker scene in a Tarantino film, doesn’t it?
Kandice asks Brooklyn to try on her dress and she has completely shut down. We’re told that Brooklyn is either loud and energetic or shy and quiet. Either way, she’s a well-mannered kid, isn’t she? So all you do is tease me with her behavior and that’s just not right!
Dad Jason calls her Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with her personality, but says pageants have helped her come out of her shell. Kandice says she wishes the pageant Brooklyn would stay more than she does because she’s so open at pageants. Aw, that’s both nice and sort of sad.
Taralyn is trying on her flipper from 9 months ago. It must have been really big on her last time because now it fits better and it looks as “natural” as possible.

Who the hell is that back there? Delinquent older brother or illegal immigrant being used for manual labor around the homestead?

Traci is practicing a new routine with Taralyn for Groovy Wear and she’s a technical “fanatic.” She used to teach dance and wants everything perfect. Then she disguises her quest for perfection by saying alignment is very important because it keeps dancers from injuring themselves. Actually, I didn’t align myself when grabbing my morning coffee and I’ve had to spend the entire day recuperating on the sofa watching TV. So the woman does have a point.
Pageant day in Nacogdoches, Texas, at the Hotel Fredonia! It’s beauty wear, outfit of choice and groovy wear…and the latter two seem the same in a way. Pageant Director Tonya Bailey calls having the right look “the magic touch.” I bet Clooney has that too. Ahem.

Is it bad that I want this dress?

Crisis! Looks like the stage is way smaller than expected and the disco ball had to be lowered for Taralyn. Phew! Crisis averted.
Brooklyn is in rare form today, very happy and funny and ready for the pageant. Zanna isn’t nervous, she’s excited, but probably because of the coffee her mother plied into her. My guess is it was more cream and sugar than coffee, which is why she’s a bit wild.

Oh, and smooth move on that one, Patrice.

Traci makes the hair and makeup person crazy by nitpicking every goddamn thing she does, but she is paying for the service so what can you do. What she might consider is letting the woman finish then critiquing the job she did instead of critiquing things that HAVEN’T BEEN DONE YET.

Bitch, I will cut you.

Okay, this is weird…instead of a conference room, it looks like the Hotel Fredonia is having the pageant in the lobby judging by the amount of windows and sliding doors that look like they are facing the parking lot. How odd. Judge Ashley introduces herself and says she’s judging the Groovy Girls pageant.

And probably a few other things along the way.

Crisis part deux! Brooklyn scuffed her shoes when her mother LET her play in the steps outside. Get the white-out pen! Patrice puts Zanna’s dress on backwards. Who’s not bringing their A-game today, MOTHERS?
Traci is spraying Taralyn with either starch for her crinoline or FDS, I’m not sure which. She’s bitching to Taralyn about her flipper because she thinks it’s making her not smile correctly and reducing her “sparkle.” Taralyn tells her mother to calm down. Or at least start taking dip whiffs of the spray.

Just checking for doo-dads, honey.

And we’re off! NO NO! It’s NI-NI! No, Makenzie is there looking drunk. Luckily she’s not mic’d! Taralyn is up first because even though she is SIX, she was five on January 1 so she was allowed to fall back into the 4-5 group. Seems kind of unfair to Brooklyn and NI-NI! She looks beautiful and does a great job onstage. She is very natural and it looks like the flipper worked out, so there!

Awww…ACK!….Awww….

Okay, who’s been drinking? Makenzie, I’m looking in your direction…

Makenzie is up next and she’s crazy and nutty and we all hate her so let’s move on. Hope Juana is drunk.
Brooklyn is up next and she is such a cute girl. She doesn’t have that fake look like some of the girls, she is really naturally pretty. The emcee says that Brooklyn recently saw a car on fire so she wants to help rescue people and be a “fire girl.” Not Miss America? Wow, really thinking outside the box to prefer a career that has value.
Dad Jason gets choked up as he says he’s proud of her daughter, then Kandice joins in the crying. What are you, a mom? Get the wadded up Kleenex at the bottom of her purse for her. No, the one stuck to the cough drop.

 

I don’t want to name names, but someone is wrapped around Brooklyn’s little finger…

Zanna is up next and she is beautiful. I’d kill for that skin, although it probably would look funny with the red hair I have to kill Taralyn for…decisions decisions. She is very confident on stage and looks so pretty. Wow, she is going to be a beauty when she gets older. Patrice disagrees and says her smile looked fake. Shakeeta says you could only see one dimple, not two. Wow, the trials and tribulations of Zanna.

 

What is that, a Proactive face?

Outfit of Choice! Hey, SamiJo is there! Running away per usual. One day, honey, you’ll make it across the border.
Taralyn is doing “diamonds wear” and it’s sort of a Marilyn Monroe thing. Hold the phone, this is the dress I want. Wow, she is doing a great job and Todd thinks this is her best routine so far. How cute was that? Again, I’ve got nothing. TLC, why must you toy with me?

 

Who’s got two thumbs and the best dress ever? THIS GIRL!

Brooklyn is up next and Crisis Part Trois! The music doesn’t start and Kandice is worried Brooklyn is going to lose it. And there’s no music…no music…commercial for some numbnut who collects millions of rocks…

 

Ricky Gervais is hosting the Kids’ Choice Awards? Like hell he is!

…no music…someone has to run back to the room to get the computer with the music and phew, all is well. Jesus, Allah, Buddha, thanks for being there for us at this pageant. Now back to your religious wars.

 

I once rode a horse THIIIIIS BIIIG….

Brooklyn walks around stage swinging her dress around and around and for all the drama I have to say it was kind of a let-down. But it looks like there are wires in the cape so she probably can’t jump around too much without poking her eye out.
Zanna gets onstage for I’m not sure what she is…she’s in a little tuxedo and there’s a movie camera. Is she Gene Shalit? She’s cute. Her mother says she has none of the energy or enthusiasm she usually does and the routine is not “crisp.” Maybe she’s coming down off the Starbucks high from this morning. You know, once you start with coffee, you can’t stop! “I’ve seen better,” Patrice says.

 

Yes, she’s a HUGE disappointment.

Groovy Wear! Taralyn is up first. What an awesome outfit and kid has great abs, you know, for a kid. She dances all over, smiles and is very energetic. She’s great.

 

Weeeee!

Charlie’s Angels! Brooklyn looks absolutely adorable and her hair is spot-on 70s. She dances all over the stage then settles in with gun fingers between her two signs. Mom and dad are proud.

 

What a pretty girl…she should do pageants. D’OH! Now I’m encouraging this shit!

Zanna’s brother says the girls who go up before her are over the top and have too much makeup on. He must be new to pageants. Zanna gets onstage for her James Brown and she’s fine. She seems to have a lot of energy but her mother bemoans the fact she isn’t smiling. Zanna says she’s smiled enough for the day and her face gets tired. Enjoy losing.

 

Those are called workdsays, just FYI.

Prior to crowning, all the kids are out playing in the hotel courtyard and are screaming and yelling over a lizard. Run, lizard! Ni-Ni might be coming to eat you!
CROWNING! Four to five year olds…there are only three contestants and one is psycho Ni-Ni. Outfit of Choice…Brooklyn! Taralyn claps. Best Groovy Wear…Taralyn! Most Beautiful…Brooklyn! That’s a good one…and Taralyn claps. Divisional Supreme Queen…Ni-Ni! Oh, suck it hard. That means Taralyn and Brooklyn pull out for higher titles.
Now the six to eight year olds…Outfit of Choice…Zanna! Most Beautiful…Zanna. Patrice says Zanna really bummed the day. Yeah, that’s why she’s winning. Jesus. Supreme Queen…not Zanna. Patrice doesn’t know what that means…”she perhaps pulled a higher title,” she says. For someone who spends $3600 registering two girls, you probably should get your shit together.

 

Yes, but you are still a loser in your mother’s eyes.

Four to eight Mini-Supreme…Zanna! Why are they putting the four to eight year olds together now? “As a mom, I’m probably overly critical,” Patrice says. Ya think? But she says Zanna wasn’t performing up to where she knows Zanna can be. Give it a rest already, she SUPREMED. Even Diana Ross is proud and she’s THE SUPREME.

 

Cutie Patootie. No joke.

Pageant Grand Supreme…Brooklyn! Her parents are thrilled and Taralyn’s dad whispers to her that she won the big one…Ultimate Grand Supreme with Anchovies and Mushrooms…Taralyn! “It was a groovy day,” Traci says.

 

Rock on!

Brooklyn is sitting next to her mother and looking down. Kandice says, “You should clap for your friend” but Brooklyn is having none of it. What the hell? “I’m disappointed in you,” Kandice says regarding her not clapping for her friend. Did you not see Taralyn clapping for you? You’ll need some thick skin to get through the next few years of pageanting, honey.
Kandice says that Brooklyn acted a “little ungrateful” for the title she received for the first time, but that maybe she realized what it was going to take to win. I think she’s just ticked. Kandice says it meant a lot to her for Brooklyn to get Most Beautiful because that’s what pageants are all about – beauty.
Taralyn says, “I think I won…cause I was pretty…and it turns out I’m the grooviest.” You’re also nice, well-mannered and a cute kid. Don’t ever come near me or I will sick a pack of wild spaniels on you and you will be licked to death. That’s a promise.

And I will pray for your soul!

 

Next week, Eden Wood! Get your popcorn and beer ready.