Ah, Gasmii, I love it when the crazy rears its fabulously ugly head like it did in this week’s episode of Toddlers & Tiaras! The moms in this episode were crazy, delusional and sore-losers, just like we like ‘em.
First up is the unfortunately named Isis, 6, and her mother Erika. Erika loves pageants, glitz and winning. Isis hates all of the above. She’s a glasses-wearing asthmatic that is absolutely adorable and seems like she’d be more comfortable with books prior to getting the full scholarship to M.I.T. than she does parading around glasses-less (“I don’t know how she sees!” Erika jokes…dumbass mom) in frills. Mom is in it to win and it you can tell by the way she brags about how much money they spend, how far they go to get lessons, how much pain she puts her daughter’s nails through for acrylics, and the fact she shows up to a coach 2 days before the pageant asking for a completely new routine. Excellent planning.
Next is our bat-shit crazy Russian mom Marina who uses that excuse throughout the program to explain why she’s hated, her daughter is hated and basically why they are going to lose the pageant. Daughter Mia, 4, actually says she wants her parents to love her and they do when she competes and wins. A “mail-order-ish” bride, Marina brings her competitive edge and inability to distinguish between the 2012 Olympics and a regional pageant to our fair country and berates her daughter throughout the pageant day. She actually throws a huge fit when our good friend Annette Hill politely gets Mia off the stage. Somehow, “Thank you, Mia,” translates into, “I HATE YOU MIA AND BURN IN HELL RUSSIANS” when Marina hears it. She spends most of her day curled up in a wad on a sofa outside the pageant room, sulking. Oddly, she is not sucking on a vodka bottle.
Finally, we meet adorable Saliz, 7, and her mother Sarah, who says Saliz will be a superstar when she grows up. “She could have an album, a TV show or even her own fashion line,” she says. So basically Sarah is raising a fame whore with no discernable talent, a.k.a. a Kardashian. Saliz does enjoy pageants and she and her mother have a great relationship, except that the mother promises her large winnings because she pulled out of her division, only to **SPOILER ALERT** have the $10,000 make-it-rain-Annette cash prize go – once again – to someone with BOOBS. Do these moms ever learn, tits top tots!