T&T: The Show-Me How Boring You Are State

Regional pageants…fun for the entire family!

The “Show-Me Smiles” Fantasy Pageant is the first Toddlers & Tiaras to be in Missouri, the Show-Me state…I think.  I really can’t keep track of half these hilljack places.  I just finally added “hilljack” to my spell-check, guess I showed Microsoft’s dictionary!  I was once in St. Louis for a wedding and it was a very pretty city but since like 80% of puppymills are located in that state and all four of Crabby’s rescues were from those puppymills, the state can suck it instead of show me.

You’re not filming now, right?

Pageant Director Brittany Owens is very pretty save for the fact that she looks scared to death to be on TV.  No worries, honey, you were lighted well by the camera crew.  Her whole monologue this episode is very stilted as thought she’s a health teacher and this is sex-ed week.  Awwwwkwaaaard.  The pageant is being held in her hometown of Bernie, Missouri, which why not?  It’s right in the backyard and won’t require a lot of travel.  The good news is, she isn’t going to pull a Fulgham™ because everyone could probably track her down.

“Glitz to me is very expensive dresses, fake hair, fake teeth, fake eyelashes, fake tans.  Whoever has the most money wins,” she says.  So basically kids are being judged by how different they look than in real life and she finally told the truth that money both talks and walks at these shows.  Unfortunately, this episode was a bit of a snooze-fest in terms of the crazy and the bratty which is disappointing.  TLC, you’re going to need to work a little harder for me!

Ironically, this is how I look every Monday morning.

In Jackson, Missouri we meet our first faker of the episode, eight-year-old Haley who is practicing her Pageant Princesses in Space routine with some time machine she has in her room.  She says her dad is her biggest supporter and I say Welcome to the Club!  Haley’s dad is Chuck and he says he’s also her gopher, bank and biggest fan.  I always wonder how the leftover kids feel.  It would be awesome if her brother looked at the camera and said, “I wish she’d drown in the bathtub so I can get some face time with the ‘rents!”

Chuck tells us that pageants are a family affair (boring!) and he’s never met a pageant dad as involved as he is.  Did he not see the “’I feel the need for speed’ dad” or David Perez from the first T&T recap?  He tells us if there was a good football game on TV or a pageant to go to, he’d be at the pageant.  Pussy whipped, gay or a real supporter?  He vacillates among all three.

How about using some of that magic painting your mailbox post?

Mom Melonie tells us that Haley is always grand supreme in their house (you do have ANOTHER kid) and that they created a room in the basement just for her to practice, hang her sashes and show off her crowns.  Oh, they also have another kid.

Chuck says he sees pageants as an investment in Haley’s future and he hopes they take her someplace better than where he’s at, “southeast Missouri.”  First of all, awww, that’s sweet for him to want more for her and second, awww, that’s sad he doesn’t think he’s anyplace special and third, southeast Missouri would suck.

Up in Carbondale, Illinois, which always sounds like it’s dirty or full of carbon or something, we meet our McMansion-living next contestant, nine-year-old Lexie.  Uh-oh, we may have a Sterling situation going on here.  Turns out Lexie is a twin but the twin decided she didn’t like pageants because it was too hard to compete with her pretty sister.  Non-Pageant Twin™ wears glasses and you know what that means:  She’s the brains and Lexie is the beauty.  Enjoy the catfights in your teen years.

Why do all the mannequin heads look deranged?

“You comb something with a comb, you brush something with a brush,” she corrects Lexie who says she needs to brush her hairpiece but is using a comb.  Hey, NPT™, you are going to lose the sympathy vote if you continue to be a nudge.  Just FYI.

You are awfully young to be this insufferable already.

Mom Stephnie (yes, I believe her own mother forgot a vowel in there somewhere) says she had entered both of them in pageants when they were little, but one liked them and one didn’t.  It’s like Dorian Gray only they both run around the house making a mess.

We see Lexie attempting to put make up on NPT™ and she asks why she stopped competing in pageants.  NPT™ says, “Well, it wasn’t something…” and Lexie finishes, “…you were good at?”  BITCH!  Wow, that was rude.  Lexie wipes a bunch of black shit on her sister’s face.  That was totally on purpose!

Now in Farmington, Missouri, our second McMansion of the episode is where four-year-old Olivia lives and today she’s my fav because of her red hair.  Who doesn’t love a red-head, unless they’re a ginger then forget it!  She is adorable!  Mom Kelley says no matter whether Olivia wins or loses, she’s always “her little princess.”  Aww.  Barf.

Kelley says she entered Olivia in pageants to help break her shyness, because there’s nothing like competing against pretty girls to help that, ask any junior high geek.  Olivia tells us if she loses this weekend, she’ll be sad, and she makes a very sad face.  STOP IT!  I’m not falling for that.  Maybe a little, so STOP!

Knock that shit off right now and oh here’s $5, go buy yourself something fun at the dollar store.

Back with Lexie and Stephnie, Stephnie tells us she never thought she’d spend the kind of money she does on pageants.  That’s exactly what meth addicts say too!  They are looking at one of Lexie’s dresses which is gorgeous and also $1300.  “My husband says his retirement is sitting in her bedroom,” Stephnie laughs.  You won’t be laughing at the government-owned retirement home, will ya?

Okay, is this the second thyroid case of the season or is TLC experimenting with halogen lights?

Speaking of dads, we’re back with gopher dad and Haley is summoning him to help with something.  He fixes her props, paints her gold shoes, fixes her dress and so on and so on until he has no life.  Melonie imitates how she is at a pageant, “Oh my God, Chuck, go get this, I forgot her number…” then calls him a gopher dad.  “Anything for my little girl,” he says.  What good dad doesn’t say that?

So you think you can dance?  How about sparkle?

The family is over at Haley’s modeling teacher’s house (is that code for “pageant coach”?).  Coach Katie we will later find out is also the coach for the other two girls on this show.  Man, where’s Miss Margie when you need her?  Well, I guess the unfortunately named “Katie’s Kuties” will have to do.  She even has t-shirts!

Chuck is practicing with Haley because this pageant has a “dad and me” component and he’s going to be participating.  Man, you know this is going to be good.  Haley says her dad “doesn’t really sparkle” when he’s onstage.  How much are YOU going to sparkle when you have to carry all of your shit yourself, you little brat?

Chuck says Haley could probably break him down and he’d wear a tutu for her.  Dude, you need to cap the support somewhere, now man up and stop thinking about wearing tulle.  Jesus!

Back in the red zone, Kelley is practicing with Olivia in their basement which must be completely hers since it is painted hot pinky-orange.  “My mom loves pageants but she can’t come onstage,” Olivia says, and really, isn’t that the tragedy for most of these moms?  Not being able to compete themselves?  Then Olivia says she’s too old to have her mother come onstage and proves it by picking her nose almost to her brain.  Be sure to flick it somewhere!

Olivia has decided not practice anymore and says, “Mom, look, if you get me something to drink I’ll do it one more time,” and Kelley says, “How about if you do it one more time I’ll get you something to drink.”  Then the conversation goes something like this:

“Mom, look, if you get me something to drink I’ll do it one more time,” and Kelley says, “How about if you do it one more time I’ll get you something to drink.”  “Mom, look, if you get me something to drink I’ll do it one more time,” and Kelley says, “How about if you do it one more time I’ll get you something to drink.”  “Mom, look, if you get me something to drink I’ll do it one more time,” and Kelley says, “How about if you do it one more time I’ll get you something to drink.”  “Mom, look, if you get me something to drink I’ll do it one more time,” and Kelley says, “How about if you do it one more time I’ll get you something to drink.”  “Mom, look, if you get me something to drink I’ll do it one more time,” and Kelley says, “How about if you do it one more time I’ll get you something to drink.”  “Mom, look, if you get me something to drink I’ll do it one more time,” and Kelley says, “How about if you do it one more time I’ll get you something to drink.”  “Mom, look, if you get me something to drink I’ll do it one more time,” and Kelley says, “How about if you do it one more time I’ll get you something to drink.”

And Kelley then goes to get her something to drink and Haley says, “Good girl.”  Unfortunately, she’s waaay behind me on the drinking at this point.

Her back is turned, perfect for a guerilla spanking move!

Oh my God, Carbondale’s water tower is the yellow-smiley face.  Man, I’d pay good money to see someone put the gunshot hole in it like the t-shirts.

Lexie is discussing her flipper and how it sometimes feels kind of weird – you mean because you are putting fake teeth over perfectly good teeth?  Yeah, I could see that.  Turns out her teeth have been – gasp! – growing and the flipper isn’t fitting as well.  How about getting a new one along with that $1300 dress, dumbasses?  Nope, they are going to use Fixodent so they can forget it! and wax.  Schexy!

Teeth Missouri-style!

Red zone!  Olivia is at the salon and stylist Tom is dying her hairpiece to match her hair.  The best thing I can tell you is I hope Tom’s regulars don’t see his results because he f#cked that hairpiece up good.  It is totally NOT the right color and looks awful.  Kelley says it was an expensive hair piece and she’s trying to save Tom’s face by saying they look forward to seeing what he does.  Don’t we all!

Tom says he’s “100% confident” the hairpiece is going to turn out great then proves his confidence by licking his lips, licking his lips again (WTF?  Is he Barty Crouch?) then rolls his tongue all over his front teeth.  Maybe HIS flipper isn’t fitting correctly?  Also?  You might as well throw away that hair now.  What a waste of Asian!

He has to do this to wipe the lies from his mouth.

Melonie shows us how their family cuts pageant costs…by doing Haley’s nails and tanning her at home, and oh, yeah, Melonie has two jobs!  One as a bus driver and one as some kind of dental technician where she can swipe teeth from the lab and create her own flipper.  Actually, I think she just gets the discount.

Melonie then opens up the spray-tan tent in the kitchen and sprays and rolls Haley, including her pits.  Luckily this episode, the kid isn’t wearing deodorant and her “underpits” don’t turn green.  Crisis averted.  And?  Snore!  Would someone please act up in this episode?  Well-behaved kids and moms do nothing for me.

Hope she used a primer first, otherwise that’s going to peel off.

Pageant day in lovely downtown Bernie, Missouri!  Pageant Director Brittany says it’s hard to be a pageant director because, “You have to please everybody.”  Unless you are – say it with me – LISA FULGHAM – and then you just steal from everybody.
She says in the pageant world, everybody wants to win, but not everybody can win.  Ironically, she also said that every man, woman and child would be going home with something, so it sounds like she does her best to be a people-pleaser.  Meh.

Also, has anyone else noticed that when you see a parent paying for a pageant, they always pay in cash?  My guess is the pageants don’t take checks (or at least they don’t on pageant day) and they probably aren’t set up for credit cards.  If you really wanted to rob a group easily (they’re just a bunch of girls and Chuck), pageants would be the place to do it.  Just like Lisa – oh, even I’m tired of ragging on her.

Kelley starts the complaining with the fact the pageant is at a community center and not a local hotel, “Like they are used to.”  Well suck it up, pageant princess, and try to roll with the non-country-club punches.

This stinks!

Tammy is the hair and make up person and says it’s no different than buying a pitching machine for her son for baseball.  Whatever.  Kelley pulls out the hairpiece that has been completely ruined and Tammy is like, yeah, let’s go with her natural hair since it’s prettier and it actually MATCHES.  What color-blind stylist dyed that thing?

That stylist is probably STILL licking his lips.

Haley’s family is plying her full of Mountain Dew to keep her energy up and she admits to having eaten five pixie sticks.  Or – you could have just fed her a nutritious breakfast and made sure she got some sleep.  So, either enjoy competing in the Big Girl’s Pageants in the future or enjoy knowing your child is barfing up every meal to stay thin and compete in glitz.  Either way, it works.

Haley gets her hair done and whines through the whole thing.  Her mother calls her “tender-headed.”  Or maybe it’s from poor nutrition?  And this comment from the woman who slammed down three Chipotle soft tacos, a bag of those delicious salted chips and a root beer yesterday.  Klassy!  And water-retaining!

Coach Katie is back and fesses up that she has lots of girls in the pageant today.  Probably because she’s the only pageant coach in the entire Bernie, Missouri metropolitan area.  She’s concerned because the stage is set up “backwards” from the way her girls learned their routines.  This isn’t the first time we’ve seen this, is there not something the pageants could do to alert people to this to avoid these clearly enormous hurdles the girls need to jump?  Hey!  How about actual hurdles!

Then Katie bitches because the girls have to enter from a different side of the stage than they know.  Jesus, as a good coach, shouldn’t you be preparing them for this?  Now she has Stephnie all a-twitter about it.  How dumb is your kid?

The pageant begins and it’s emceed by everyone’s second grade teacher who is totally and completely exasperated with her teaching career.  YAY!  Director Brittany tells us 70 girls are competing in beauty, outfit of (mom’s) choice, the mommy or daddy-and-me section, and then they all wait for crowning.

You kids need to get in line quickly or there will only be white milk left for lunch!

OH MY GOD!  Finally, a freak!  Pageant judge Richard Cox (insert joke here) has clearly just joined us from Branson!  He’s got his greasy hair slicked back a la Wayne Newton, his Johnny Cash black coat, and his Bee Gees gold medallion necklace on!  Thank you TLC, THANK YOU!

Man, there’s a whole mess of shit going on here.  It’s like he’s seen the light and it’s Liberace!

He’s been judging pageants for about 20 years and TLC gives us a close-up of his weenie and belt buckle that has a crown on it and they stay on that shot just a litttleeee toooo looong.  They show him sitting at the judges table and he’s wearing one of those icky cheesy thick gold nugget-y bracelets or watches and what appears to be a ring or some kind of finger discoloration.

No wide-angle lens needed here.

He tells us when you are judging pageants the parents are the biggest part of wanting them to win.  Then he incomprehensibly says, “The best thing as a judge is to stay 45 minutes after or leave early.  Tonight I’m gonna leave early.”  What?  That makes no sense.  Is it to talk to or avoid the parents?  Also, we see footage of him sneaking a peak at another judge’s score sheet.  EYES ON YOUR OWN PAPER!

They parade the first sections of kids around and one in the seven year old group is described as “Wild, wild, wild,” and as they say this she shakes her shoulders back and forth like she’s trying to be sexy but knows deep down she’s only seven and it’s totally creepy and funny.

While waiting in line with Olivia, some little girl says hello to Kelley and that her name is Chloe.  Don’t talk to strangers, kid, especially at a pageant!  You don’t know what kind of sickos hang out there!

Olivia is about to go onstage and tells her mother, “I won’t let you down.”  Awww.  She’s adorable and says she feels like a princess in her beauty dress.  Well, you look like one.  I’d kill to see you throw a temper tantrum so I could rip on you, but sadly, you were well-raised.  Goddammit!

It’s not live, it’s Memorex.

“Try to get her to not smile as big,” Coach Katie tells Stephnie.  They are worried her flipper is going to flip out.  Next time, plan ahead or use her real teeth, it’s that simple.  They shove the teeth in, apply Fixodent and forget it, add wax.  It’s like they’re building Janice Dickenson from scratch.

Judge Karen Grant, a.k.a. Judge Fatass tells us you have to really judge carefully – if a hair is out of place or any little thing is an imperfection.  You mean like your weight, messy hair and smudged glasses?  Who the hell are you to judge, a recapper?  She also hates flippers. “I tend to lean away from a flipper,” she says, probably because she tends to lean towards all-you-can-eat buffets.

Yes, thanks for your input, Snausage.

Coach Katie gives some great advice.  She tells Lexie, “If I do this (covering her mouth), it means your smile looks bad and you need to get a new smile.  If I do this (points at her mouth), that means smile bigger.  If I do this (pinches her fingers together), it means smile smaller.”  JESUS, what are you going to do if she needs to steal second base, get off her case already!

“Those are all similar,” Lexie says, rolling her eyes up.  Yep, I’d ask for my money back from Katie’s Kuties at this point.

She politely forgets to add, “YOU – DUMB – BITCH.”

Lexie and Haley are in the same group and they are ready to go.  They do have one girl in this group who is a little chubby and the announcer says, “Her favorite food is her school’s chili, cinnamon rolls and chocolate cheesecake.”  Soon her favorite disease will be childhood diabetes.

Competing in ”Diabetes of Choice,” she chooses Type 1.

Lexie is up first and she looks really cute.  Coach Katie says, “She’s not sparkling,” and yells “Sparkle, baby!”  Maybe she’s too worried about her smile, dipshit!  Stephnie is worried because Lexie keeps looking down…you mean AT THE JUDGES?  God, no wonder NPT™ stays home, this is a directional nightmare.

As soon as she gets offstage, Stephnie tells her her eyes looked closed instead of open.  Wow, she almost IS Jamie Sterling.  She says she needs to keep her eyes open for the judges and Lexie’s like yeah, I had to look down to make eye contact with the judges.  It’s like everyone is talking but no one is listening.

Chuck, your “fins to the left” seem to indicate you think you’re at a Jimmy Buffet concert.  You’re not.

Haley is onstage and Chuck says when she’s up there he zones out and just smiles.  Coach Katie screams, “Sparkle baby!” which really?  To every one of your girls?  Haley does a nice job but she and Lexie are starting to blend together as one pageant organism. Or maybe I just need more coffee.

Director Brittany dead-eyes and dead-voices that outfit of choice is up next and one of the advantages one girl can have over the next is their hair, clothing and I’m thinking  doyee until she says, “even their shoes.”  Are they making baby Manolos now, because I sure as hell don’t think Haley is going to win with her spray-painted boots.

Turns out Olivia’s tan got “a little messed up last night” meaning they waited until last night to tan her and didn’t blend in around the spots you always need to watch – feet, ankles, knees and knuckles.  Morons.  First of all, tan a couple of days before to make sure there aren’t any issues and second, blend, blend, blend!  Instead, they are rubbing tanner on her that will turn tan about three hours AFTER THE COMPETITION ENDS.  Next time, bring bronzer.

So, outfit of choice and many girls have chosen bathing suits or 1980s Madonna. Olivia bounces out onstage in her blue bathing suit and dances all over the place, following crazy Coach Katie.  She says, “I can’t expect them to do a full-out if I don’t do a full-out.”  Or, you’re just trying to get attention.

And the lady behind you can’t see!

SWEET JESUS!  Why would a purple wig be the right look?  Haley wears a space-age costume that she can tear off while inside her space machine so she can dance around like a go-go girl from the original Star Trek series. Unfortunately, her music cuts off early because she’s used to the “national” 90-second routines and this pageant only allows 60 seconds.  Her whole family is somewhat stunned and are having a hard time dealing with that 30-second loss of talent time.  It really is a national tragedy.

Besides, shouldn’t they be more worried she looks like Natalie Portman in Closer?

Lexie is wearing her diamond and pearls combo, which makes it sound like she’s about to do a tampon commercial.  She’s dancing and honestly, meh.  Meh, meh, meh.  I’m not seeing anyone really stand out in this pageant and it’s kind of a snore.

Wake me when Tampax with Leakguard™ is over.

Wait!  I may have spoken too soon!  The Haley and Chuck show is up next and Coach Katie is telling them that even if their music ends, they should keep going.  Yes, great advice.  That should look both not totally and completely awkward but also totally not arrogant.  Next time read the fine print!

First up is some girl and her mother, and they are doing a western routine except it’s like that tiny violin that plays “My Heart Bleeds for You,” because you can barely see them move.  They barely kick their feet out and it’s clear they didn’t practice until they were backstage about to go on.  Put some effort into this!  If you were in Texas, they’d be mopping the floor with your bloody glitzed corpses by now.

I’m not sure which is the mother and which is the daughter, but I know they BOTH SUCK.

Haley tells us how badly her dad is going to do but to be honest, they ROCKED THE STAGE!  Nothing like seeing a dad really do something silly for his daughter to get the judges going.  They do a little Michael Jackson routine (silent moment) and Chuck works it.  Just beat it, Chuck!  Oh, wait, that sounded dirty.

Careful on the dismount!

Haley and Chuck do a great job and people are laughing and cheering and screaming for them and I have to disagree with Haley, Chuck sparkled onstage.  Everyone was really into this and I have to hand it to Chuck – kudos to him for doing such a great job.  Makes it kind of hard to continue to call him a pussy.  Dammit, TLC.

Crowning!  Oh my God, they are giving away a computer and a pink motorized car!  Take the car!  TAKE THE CAR!  The computer will be out of date in no time but pink motorized cars are FOREVAH!

No contest.  Hand me the keys.  Or remote control.  Whatever.

Olivia’s group is up first.  Best Smile…not Olivia.  Best Hair…this better be Olivia, she has great hair!……..OLIVIA!  Score!  Then the emceed just runs through and says, “Alsomostbeautifulface,” and I’m like, seriously?  Way to rob the kid of an extra round of applause, you bitter old hag.  Queen?  Not Olivia, which means she’s up for super supreme with pineapple and ham, but of course she’s sad because she thinks she lost.  This is confusing for kids AND adults.

Damn right!

Eight to ten age group.  Creepy Judge Cox says he thought Lexie stood out.  Wait, wasn’t he going to leave early?  Maybe the bus back to Branson was running late.  Then he says Haley’s production pushed her over the top.  Judge Fatass agrees that they will be neck-in-neck and now I’m thinking Judge Cox and our fatass judge are about to go neck-in-neck, yowza and gross.

You know how I am about coral.  J’aaadooore.

Best Smile?  Haley!  Most Beautiful Face…not our girls!  Suckfest!  Outfit of Choice…Haley!  That purple wig really did it!  Queen…Lexie!  Aww…she wins so she loses!  Mom says, “I’m not sure where Lexie’s downfall was,” and I think it’s clear:  Having you as a mother and Katie as a coach!  Stop harping on that poor kid and let her SPARKLE without testing her on the biophysics of smiling two seconds before she goes onstage.

F#ck it, I’m outta here.

Beauty Supreme…Olivia!  YAY!  She’s adorable and is thrilled to get the paper plate of cash.  I would be too.  Mini-Supreme…let it be Chuck!  Nope, it’s Haley!  Melonie is thrilled.  Judge Fatass said she loved the time machine, probably because she’d like to use it to get back to a time when her cholesterol was under 300.

Sure, but at a picnic can you ever find a paper plate like this?  No.

Haley has decided to spend her money on turtles, which totally confused me.  “Little quarter-sized turtles,” she says.  Oh, much clearer now.

Now is the parent-and-me competition…who will win?  Hope it’s not the shy western dancers, they suuuucked.  Winners?  Haley and Chuck!  He gets a sash and a crown and he looks great in it.  They joke that now he needs his own shelf for his crown.

Here she comes, Miss America!

ULTIMATE GRAND SUPREME…wait, all of our girls are done, right?  The winner is some girl named Chloe (not the one we saw earlier) and she chooses the laptop instead of the car…Poindexter!  Dammit, everyone leaves pretty happy with no tantrums or crying or anything.  What am I supposed to do with this?  SNORE.  Someone get me a baby to punch, for Christ’s sake.

Really?  The computer?  Dorkasaurus!