Happy New Year Gasmii! Here we go with the season’s premier of Toddlers & Tiaras! As could be expected, the fine folks at TLC have done a great job and the episode does not disappoint. We have bratty, bitchy, crazy and wasteful, and those are NOT dwarves.
Trophy wives for sale!
This episode highlights the Arizona Gold Coast pageant and we are once again joined by some familiar faces. Kim Colby is the pageant director and she tells gives us a new take on the total package by calling it the “full package.” Schweet. It’s like saying “passed away” instead of “croaked.” This pageant includes a blast to the past which is a category for the 1950s. Interesting since most of the mothers attending won’t know what the hell that’s all about, let alone their progeny.
The pageant prize today is $1,000, which…is chump change. Luckily they make up for that with tons and tons and tons of trophies and tiaras – the real reason people attend.
We meet our first family in Lake Havasu City, Arizona – not our first time here, either, and this place still looks gorgeous. Unfortunately, mom is less gorgeous, looking a little road-hard and put-away wet, but dammit she seems really nice. But methinks there is a story there, mostly because the arm-long tattoo she’s sporting probably tells it.
Hi New Money. Nice table cherub.
Kelli tells us her twin daughters Scarlett and Isabella “really know how to compete in style.” Yeah, they’re one. Also, Scarlett? Isabella? NEW MONEY. She tells us the girls were in pageants before they were born which is physically impossible unless Kelli was in a pageant while pregnant or there’s a Gold Coast Embryo pageant TLC is keeping from us.
“I had figured out we were going to be having twin girls,” she says. Because your psychic told you or a trained medical professional told you? I mean, I’d be curious as to how you “figured it out.” Kelli tells us the pageant system is insane (not news to T&T loyal viewers, Kelli with an I) and people spend what they can afford. “We spend it because we can afford it.” Yes, we’ve seen the McMansion and the Rolls, the Lamborghini, the…is that a Trans Am? No – Mustang. Anyhoo, you have tons of cars and an over-the-top house and I’m guessing this is going to be a good “love” story.
Kelli tells us they’ve spent $250,000 to get their twin girls “started” in pageants. OH. MY. GOD. That’s enough to continue the Bush tax credits, right? Or put like a dozen inner city kids through state college. You know, whatever your priority is.
Kelli is totally klassy in her trailer-trashing about how much money they have and how it’s only what people dream about. Tell us your rags-to-riches tale, Kelli. Come on, I bet it’s a good one involving hard work and dedication!
We can safely say no one is banging the nanny.
Kelli introduces us to the twins as well as the nanny “Gina” who has a foreign accent, an American name, and the same hard-edge that Kelli is sporting. Kelli speaks to her daughters as though they can totally understand her. I mean, I use a baby voice with my dogs, why isn’t she using one with her…you know…BABIES? Then she tells them they have a “thousand dollar grand prize” they need to win, which sounds so stupid considering they’ve spend 250 TIMES THAT already.
Over in Kingman, Arizona, people with a fish mailbox are getting their 8 year old daughter Danielle ready for a pageant. Per usual, mom is huge and has some grammar issues. “You were the beautifulest in this pageant,” she says. Danielle doesn’t have anything wrong with her in terms of being a diva-bitch (that’s coming up), but girl may want to tone down the arrogance. She is thoroughly convinced she is the most beautiful girl in the world and says it over and over and over again. The real world is going to hand your ass to you, sweetheart.
Sit Ubu, sit. Good dog.
Mom Tedi gives us a new one by saying her daughter is “all business when she hits the stage.” Well, that, and a bad sport as we shall see. Tedi tells us that Danielle is competitive and when she doesn’t win she gets upset. We see Danielle start to throw a little bit of a fit when her mother tries to correct her, catches that the camera is on her, and she straightens up. I would love to see her when the cameras aren’t rolling…semi-spoiler alert!
Danielle says she doesn’t believe in beauty sleep “because I’m always beautiful.” How about manners-sleep then? “And so modest,” her grandmother teases. Yeah, won’t be so funny in about 5 years, granny. Insufferable is more like it.
“If I don’t win this pageant I’ll trash the hotel room,” she says, channeling Joe Walsh and Keith Moon. Well, as long as you’re a lady, fine.
Evil twinkle-y music plays as we head down to Montgomery, Louisiana to re-visit Damien Omen X, Makenzie and her mother Juana. We’ve seen Makenzie before when she had a total and complete mental breakdown looking for her pacifier, otherwise known as “NI-NI!”
Juana tells us that Makenzie is an “unforgettable pageant queen,” mostly because she’s a hot mess diva bitch. I am also getting the feeling that there is a fine line between lack of discipline and some serious mental issues and this kid is teetering on the fence. Also, the fence is topped with razor-wire and rabid dogs guard both sides.
We see footage of Makenzie acting like a super-brat at the last pageant and Juana says she was just being really bad. She says that since the last pageant, Makenzie has matured and she’s grown as a performer. Except she hasn’t matured and she’s only grown like a huge boil that needs emergency-room lancing. Basically, she’s awesome.
Back with trailer-trash Kelli, she walks into the “princess closet” where they have 65-70 dresses at about two grand each. So yes, we’re talking about $140,000 in glitz dresses for 2 kids aged 1. That is a house. In fact, that’s my house. And I won’t outgrow my house in 2 months. “Whatever it takes to win,” she says. Uh-huh.
The Rolls Royce hanging? Now dats klass!
Kelli tells us that the girls will have to decide if they want to compete against each other in the future, noting that there will be a winner and a loser. Is she new to pageants because EVERYONE WINS. She tells us that Scarlett supremes more often while Isabella queens and Kelli attributes it to them being born prematurely and “Bella” being about 2 months behind Scarlett in development. These kids can’t even stand on their own for Christ’s sake, why worry about who is supreme pan pizza-ing more?
Back in Kingman, Tedi has not been introduced to the Sham-Brow™ yet and tries to pluck Danielle’s eyebrows. Yee-ouch. Danielle ain’t going for it so Tedi decides to wax the brows. And wax. And wax. And wax. Does she have any hair left? Wouldn’t it have been worth the $20-30 to have a professional do it in ONE FELL SWOOP? Jesus.
Rip her face off, why don’t you?
Over with Makenzie we see our favorite coach Miss Christy (damn, woman must be making a fortune and believe me, she EARNS it with some of these kids). They are doing a glitz photo shoot and Makenzie is a total bitch. I know, I was shocked too.
Miss Christy is very diplomatic saying she never knows what to expect with Makenzie and it just depends on her mood. If that’s the case, Miss Christy probably ALWAYS knows what to expect.
Miss Christy – God love her – is attempting to put eye shadow on Makenzie and for a split second you can tell Makenzie looks like she could easily get really fat…I mean, I see a kid who is going to medicate with food when the ni-ni finally disappears…if it ever does. Then she tells us she’s going to fly higher than a bird. Yep, see you on Intervention!
Can’t you just feel the Anna Nicole Smith vibe?
Miss Christy tries to get Juana to help her control Makenzie but it’s clear that Juana has given up. I sort of feel bad for her because she is attractive and could be really pretty if she got rid of the “smoky eye meets Rocky Racoon” thing she’s doing and if she looked like she hadn’t given up on life since Makenzie is sucking it from her. Then I realize it’s her own damn fault for raising such a brat and I have no more sympathy. Like I ever do.
Makenzie starts to throw that whiney fit she does and she looks like a little whore in that fishnet shirt. “I think she’s gotten really cranky and tired,” Juana says. Gotten? Where the hell have you been? She’s a monster. Then in the middle of a whine she put a sweet smile on and it’s really creepy how she goes from bratty to sweet so quickly. Juana says she’s never met another child as “animated” as Makenzie. Again, ANIMATED? Poor Juana is neck-deep in denial.
Miss Christy finally says they got one good picture and tells Juana thank God Makenzie has that face. Yeah, ‘cause her personality is sucksville. Juana says she feels ready for the pageant this weekend and we hear Makenzie off-camera whisper, “I’m not going.” So this is going to be fun. For us.
Back with Danielle, she wants her mother to do the pageant walk, then commences to trash on her mother. We hear a male voice say, “Danielle BE NICE,” but mom continues to take Danielle’s shit. Danielle sums up pageanting nicely, “You have to focus on ONE thing, not TWO things.” No walking AND chewing gum, contestants!
Danielle comes out in a Carmen Miranda outfit, maracas and fruit head in tow. Then the fruit hat falls off mid-practice and she says, “I hate when the fruit falls off…because then I’m not perfect.” She totally has a meltdown and runs crying to her room. Yeah, enjoy your eating disorder and being a cutter.
The dizzying highs…
…and devastating lows.
And here we go…Kelli is at the office to see her husband, and opthalmologist and clearly he’s the only one in the state if he’s paying for everything they have. Kelli says he works really hard for all of their money and all I want to know is the back story on these two. GIVE ME THE JUICE!
Kelli greets him sweetly and honestly, you can tell they are really in love and he adores the girls. Kelli calls him an amazing man and “awesome.” Wow, that is just really cool. It also gives me nothing to work with…or does it? Now here comes the make-fun of part. They met four years ago when she was a waitress (natch) and a single mom (natch squared) of FIVE kids (natch WTF?). Apparently she’s been married “a few different times” and says she and Liz Taylor are neck-in-neck in times of marriage. That’s 7 or 8 depending on how you count Richard Burton. Jesus, hope her husband was smart enough to put a pre-nup together. My guess is no.
“It’s been a Cinderella story ever since,” Kelli says. Yeah. When I saw this, the first thing that came to mind is “Anal, and you let him videotape it.”
Danielle is at the salon getting a manicure and spray-tan. Again, why didn’t they just tack on the brow wax? Tedi tells us that Danielle’s dream is to be “famous.” I love the kids and parents these days who just want to be famous celebutards. There is never anything substantive attached to that – famous singer, famous actress, famous scientist. Just FAME. It’s really creepy how low our standards have become.
Makenzie is on a rocking chair on her front porch going back and forth…back and forth…back and forth. Probably plotting how to kill the squirrels in her yard. Back in the house she’s arguing with her mother about going to the pageant. She keeps saying she’s not going then says she’s nervous about being on a plane. OMG, how would you like to be the poor schmuck stuck sitting next to her on that flight to Arizona? KILL. ME. NOW.
Having TSA feel you up sucks too!
“I believe Makenzie’s personality and energy make her stand out,” Juana says. Well, those and her bad manners, whining and general bitchiness. She stands WAY out.
New Money Kelli is acting for the camera and once again letting us know how much money they have. She announces to her family they are taking the car to the plane to the pageant. She talks about how having money makes pageants easier. Honey, it makes EVERYTHING easier, including having people killed. Or so I’ve heard, I don’t really have any but if I did, watch out! I’m looking in your direction, Kelly B from junior high. And Jeremy Piven.
Hey, are you rich? Because I can’t tell. Please let us know.
Kelli says the money is “there to spend” which is really rude and klassless to say, but that’s new money. Also klassless is the way she’s walking in those Sex in the City heels. Go flats or go home!
Stay klassy, Lake Havasu!
She says she’s pretty sure they are envied, but of course, only if other people know about your money and how could they with you BRINGING IT UP ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. She says she’s counting on the girls winning, which is why they spend the money. Tens of thousands of dollars so they can win a crown made in China and $1000 cash glued to a paper plate. Also, put your kids in booster seats in the plane, their heads are probably not completely fused together yet and turbulence could really wreak havoc on their tender skulls.
Pageant day! Kelli and her entourage pull up in a white limo to what I’m guessing is a Days Inn and she immediately screams, “Where is the Louis Vuitton luggage?” Who talks like that except new money people who want to let people know they are rich? Never in my life have I been at an airport and screamed, “WHERE’S THE SAMSONITE LUGGAGE?” Mostly because I know it’s probably still with that gorilla.
Phew! The Chanel boxes were near the Valentino asphalt!
Kelli says it’s a huge team effort to get things together on pageant day, but luckily they have tons of money and can buy cheap Mexican labor in Arizona. Well, she doesn’t say that, but you know she’s thinking it. The babies are screaming and crying and “sound like you’re killing them,” Kelli says. Quality family time.
Hold still while I screw your foot on!
Juana kids herself but not us by saying they are trying to keep Makenzie under control and they hope things go “smooth.” Yeah, like swallowing dry granola. Makenzie freaks and cries and asks for her ni-ni. Oh shit…better find it faster! That whine! She screams that it better not be in the trash and we see footage of the last episode featuring the ni-ni crisis of 2010. Ni-ni! NI-NI! NI-NI! Makenzie says when she has her ni-ni, she “don’t care about nothing.” Ironically, this show is followed by My Strange Addiction. We’ll be seeing Makenzie on that show as an adult.
Keep it klassy, Louisiana.
What is totally hilarious is Megan, Makenzie’s aunt, who says she has NEVER met a child like Makenzie in her life. It’s clear she thinks the kid is Satan and the funny part is, she’s right! She must be Juana’s husband’s sister and a clearer thinker than Juana. Juana just laughs. I bet the tears are real, though.
And I bet Aunt Megan’s too busy drinking to find your damn ni-ni.
Tedi is complaining about the rollers she used for Danielle’s hair and her OWN mother has to calm her down about it. Women, listen…if your mother has to calm you down about the rollers you used in your 8 year old daughter’s hair, you need to get a f#cking life. Seriously, Tedi, hit the local Curves, get a mani-pedi, take some classes and get a career because you have too much goddamn time on your hands.
Tedi whispers that Danielle’s hair looks like a rat’s nest and SHE CAN HEAR YOU. Danielle freaks out and asks her mother if she said her hair looked like a rat’s nest. Doyee. Tedi says no but Danielle’s confidence is already undermined and she yells back, “Your hair does!” And the sidewalk is government property so she can still walk on it!
Undermining her confidence. Nice.
Makenzie tries to escape the hotel room because she wants to go to the pageant but then she says she wants to go home. She finally says that ni-ni is a “hard workin’ lady.” No shit. This kid is nuts.
Pageant emcee Andrea McLaws re-joins us and first up is the beauty competition. We’re told the girls are judged on beauty, modeling, personality and “also their attire.” So basically, rich girls win.
Kelli admits her husband is going to need a drink after the pageant and she’s going to need about 10, then asks if there is vodka in the water bottle. Again, anal with a camera, folks, that’s what’s going on at their house when it’s dark. Or light.
I can’t believe I let him tape anal.
Scarlett is up first and dad takes her onstage. She looks very cute and rich in her dress and you can tell dad adores his girls. It’s really cute and I have to give this guy props for taking on a single mom, her million spawn and now their offspring. He looks like he’s really enjoying it which is pretty cool, but I’m a daddy’s girl so what can you do.
Kelli says Scarlett is not doing as well as normal. “She’s a little tired, I think.” Must be the jet lag from the 20 minute flight from Lake Havasu City to PHOENIX. Seriously, it’s 3.5 hours by CAR.
Dad take Isabella onstage and she’s kicking Scarlett’s ass. Kelli says, “She looked right into the judges’ eyes.” Uh-huh.
Freakshow Makenzie is up next and she acts like a total and complete brat – or, as her mother says, “independent” – right before she gets onstage. Wouldn’t it be funny if Juana just went out to the car and drove away?
I’m way dead inside.
Here she comes onstage and she works it in a very creepy way. She blows kisses and smiles fakely. She actually doesn’t look that good and it’s very forced. Miss Christy would be embarrassed.
Danielle’s true self comes out at the pageant and it turns out she’s a monster too! She doesn’t want to wear earrings and when her mother disagrees, she stomps her foot and makes a forward gesture towards her mother that is very aggressive – like all up in her mother’s face. It’s weird and somewhat frightening.
And here comes Danielle’s total bitch diva side – she complains to her mother that another girl is getting her spotlight and she doesn’t like it. Apparently having the cameras around taping her bad manners doesn’t bother her anymore. The TLC crew is filming other girls – like they do every episode – and she’s pissed. A little girl preens for the camera and Danielle eyes her like a vicious dog.
“She’s taking my spotlight…she’s probably going to be on TV…I hope they cut that out,” she spats. I’m so glad they didn’t cut this out, oh, T&T editors, I BOW to your skills! Taking her hand and making a dismissive gesture, she tells one little girl, “I’m done with you.” Wow, she’s channeling me after a long day at the office!
Maybe it’s because yours is so DIM.
Tedi says Danielle would never hurt anybody and she would never punch anybody. Cut to footage of her smacking her little brother and fake punching her mother. That is going to be awesome in a few years.
Danielle gets up on stage and she turns it on. I wish the judges could see backstage. Danielle says she looks beautiful and Tedi says she knows she’s beautiful. Then she gets choked up and starts crying because she’s so proud of Danielle. Your daughter is a brat, choke on that.
Holy shit, I’ve raised a brat.
Wait, is Juana pregnant or does she just need to do sit ups? She looked like it in another scene but I just assumed she needed to do some Pilates…but now I’m thinking she’s having another spawn of Satan. I bet the ni-no won’t like that one damn bit!
Time for 50s wear, which is basically poodle skirts on girls who have no clue what it’s all about. They say they’ll also have waitresses and soda jerks which is ironic since the girls will be jerking more than sodas when they grow up if this is all they know.
Scarlett is up first and is being pushed by Kelli in a pink car. It’s probably a real baby Rolls Royce. Then it’s Isabella’s turn and she sucks on the steering wheel of her car. Did they take those cars on the plane or did the cars take their own plane with the LOUIS VUITTON LUGGAGE?
Calm the hell down, Nanny McPhee!
Satan ni-ni is up next in her waitress outfit. She says waitresses are really cool because they bring food. Enjoy bulimia! But she’s late and they hold up the show for her…then she’s sooo late, they move on with the competition only to come back to her later…that is so rude and I think they need to forfeit if they are that late. Suck it, ni-ni!
Then you must really hate your kid.
Danielle is all bitchy because some girl has a similar outfit as she does and “it kinda doesn’t go with my flow.” Yeah, you must be flowin’ because your true colors are coming out. She pops out on the stage and turns on the “charm,” then interviews that when she wins other girls will cry and it’s hard for her to see them cry. Except you know she totally relishes it. What a little bitch. Also, this scene is pretty funny considering what’s coming her way. Wah-wahhh.
Oh, good, now it’s time for Makenzie. She puts her hands on her hips and shakes…and it was sooo not worth the wait. Hope she gets points off. Juana thinks she was great. She wasn’t.
CROWNING! Winners in each group then a high-point winner. Everyone’s a winner! It’s America, you’re never second best!
First up, one year old division…runner up, not our girls…first runner up…Isabella! Queen for this division – Scarlett! YAY all around. Kelli tells us that babies don’t normally win the ultimate deep-dish high point grand supreme with anchovies, so if they do, they’re “making history.” Just like the Germans.
I wonder if I could shove that trophy into my mouth?
Little Miss division…third runner up…not Makenzie…second runner up…Makenzie, ooh, sucks to be you. I bet she would have placed higher if she had shown up ON TIME.
Next time, show up ON TIME, looosah!
Juana says Makenzie had a really good pageant day which makes me shudder when thinking of what a bad pageant day must be for them. Makenzie must sacrifice a chicken and drink its blood or something.
Sanitary! Think about this when you are a convention at the local hotel.
Junior Miss division…Tedi thinks Danielle is going to win. Danielle wins Character Centerfold, Sweetheart Queen, and Junior Miss Arizona not to mention the high-point winner for her division. She’s competing against Scarlett. Oh, come on…a baby will NEVER win. Ahem.
Only because they don’t take off points for personality, brat.
High point awards…Kelli tells us that’s where the “big money is…that’s where the big crown is.” Yeah, because $1000 is big money to you. Jesus.
Danielle says if she doesn’t win the high title she will run off and cry. She’s half right, then she’s totally right. Way to deal with the real world. Kelli says she has to stay away from people during crowning because she has a tendency to lash out. Way to really get into the spirit of the event.
Mini-supreme…not our girls…Supreme…not our girls…Grand Supreme title goes to…SCARLETT! OH MY GOD! That is totally cool and Danielle handles it well by totally contorting her face and bursting into tears onstage. Great sportsmanship.
Winning is exhausting.
Tedi is pissed because she doesn’t understand what the judges didn’t see…uh, they see a really pretty baby. Tedi is pissed that a “tiny baby that can’t walk, talk, show any kind of emotion” wins high point. Okay, babies show all kinds of emotion all day long. That’s why I have dogs.
Way to handle rejection.
Oh, you come by it naturally. My bad.
Danielle cries, turns and runs offstage. She interviews that it’s not fair that a baby that can only poop and pee wins. Well, you poop and pee and you won a bunch of awards. I mean, they’re loser awards that your mother probably paid for, but you see my point. Danielle starts crying during the interview and one of the T&T crew asks if she wants to take a break. She does. Good, we all need one too.
Remember when you said you felt bad for the girls who cried when you won but deep down we know you were lying? Ironic, isn’t it? Next time a little more hubris. Brat.
Kelli’s daughter(?) says, “Quick, let’s go to happy hour.” I think I’m seeing why Kelli was married so many times. I’m guessing she was on Cops once or twice under “alcohol and domestic violence” episodes.
Kelli says she and her girls are going to deliver “stuff that the pageant world has never seen before.” Ugly girls? Lesbos? Smart pageant girls?
Well, we have to admit, she’s a beauty.
“I WANNA GO SWIMMIN’!!!!” we hear as Juana says Makenzie did really well today and they are going to continue to do pageants. Please do so, I want to keep my recapping job. Makenzie screams and stomps her feet and cries and whines and screams and oh my God, when you get her into the pool, hold her head under water until she stops being so animated. Please!
As expected, my tubes have tied themselves.
“In 15 years, I see Makenzie somewhere just really, really famous,” Juana says, proving my point about the whole bullshit fame thing. “I really see her being a star someday,” she finishes. Only if you put the word “porn” in front of “star.” And I’m serious about the pool.