Toddlers and Tiaras: OMG Your Kid is Satan’s Spawn

AND WE’RE BACK! Hello Gasmii, and welcome to another season of Toddlers & Tiaras. The season opener does not disappoint. We have tiaras, sashes and awards for everyone, we have somewhat normal families, mothers living out their fantasies, and Satan’s 4-year old spawn. Plus a lot of southern accents, which only adds to the hilarity/sadness of this whole damn show.

Oh my God, eating French bread, French fries, and French dressing while not pronouncing the last consonant of your name DOES NOT MAKE YOU FRENCH!

This episode spotlights a Louisiana pageant called Le Maison de Paris, which means “House of Paris” (not Hilton), and which no one can pronounce because they are victims of southern public schools. The director is Pamela de Fontenot, you pronounce it “Fon-te-no” because somewhere along the line she had a French ancestor (catastrophe if the ancestor was from Belgium, haha!) and she loves all things Paris – Paris shirts, crowns, and people who laugh through their noses. She has not, however, ever been there otherwise this pageant would just be little girls competing in chain-smoking and not picking up their dog’s shit off the sidewalks. I’m just saying, is all.

HOLY SHIT, I’ve found my new Grail!

Pamela tells us the pageant prizes add up to $12,000, which is probably what most of these families spent this year on pageants. She says there will be a lot of pretty girls, pretty smiles, and happy children at the end because there are a lot of prizes. So basically, once again, everyone gets a lower-your-standards participation award while China continues to kick our asses in innovation and commerce.

She sums it up nicely, “So many people love Paris. I would love to see Paris…and Louisiana and France, it all goes together. That is our native…you know…that is our…language…here.” Did she have a stroke on camera? Also, I’m pretty sure she’s speaking English and doesn’t know a lick of French besides “Bonjour” and “Bon Jovi.”

“We would like to give them a taste of Paris,” she says. Then hand them all some brie and watch as they spit it out in favor of Velveeta. Don’t get me wrong, I love Velveeta, but she probably should re-consider her contestants’ sophistication. And perhaps her own.

Them’s Injuns deserves it!

And so let’s meet our first contestant in Montgomery, Louisiana, four year old Satan’s Spawn, Mackenzie. Her mother is putting a crown on a baby doll as Mackenzie is scalping a decapitated head. Actually, she’s just pulling the wig off a styrofoam head…this time. She puts the wig on her head not realizing it still has pins in it from being attached to the styrofoam head. Or she got the pins stuck in the 666 that is clearly imprinted on her head.

Mom “Juana” (?) says that Mackenzie might be new to the pageant world but (wait for it…) she still, “Rocks the stage.” Yes, much like Carrie did at the end of her movie. Her mother tells us Mackenzie wears her crowns a lot and every time we see her she probably has one on. Maybe that’s the source of her evil.

Practicing with her mother, Mackenzie runs out and has a temper-tantrum on how to put her dress on. “Mackenzie is definitely a diva,” which is code for “My daughter’s a total bitch and I’m too much of a loser to know how to discipline her, so I’ll just let the authorities do it when she’s in high school.”

Okay, so I was drunk and Satan had the weed, and that’s how it happened.

“If she doesn’t like to practice then I don’t like to force her,” Juana says stupidly. “I believe if I force her she won’t want to do it at all.” Great logic, mom. We see Mackenzie smart off in a way that would have landed me on the receiving end of a hairbrush/wood spoon (oh, the 70s). “I’m not doing what you tell me,” she snots. “I can do whatever I want.” Okay, Katherine Heigl, we get it.

Seriously? Psycho. When’s the last time

she saw the family doctor?

Mom tells us Mackenzie’s an only child, mostly because Satan is busy with Wall Street and oil execs right now, and we see Mackenzie screaming about why they are doing stuff, blah, blah blah. Mom says it’s hard to keep Mackenzie in a good mood “because she is four years old.” Usually four year olds are in reasonably good moods, aren’t they? I mean, they’re past the point of pooping in their pants (mostly) but they aren’t pre-teen hormonal…I thought 4-8 years old was like the sweet spot for kids. Must be different with DNA that includes Beelzebub juice. “It’s hard to keep a four-year-old entertained,” Juana says. It’s called TV, look into it.

Over in Orange, Texas, ironically named because of all the tanning(?), we meet our requisite Texan entrant, Daisy. Mom April says, “When she hits the stage, all eyes are on her.” Well, duh, where else are they going to go than to the person who is spotlighted onstage?

Are those dead flowers coming closer? They seem closer.

Six-year-old Daisy is actually pretty cute, then gives us the “I wanna be Miss America when I grow up” routine. Just do that with a business degree is all I’m saying. April says she and her sister, known as Gigi in the family, says they both used to compete in pageants. We see pictures of them competing and my, we’ve come a long way in the fake department for pageants now, haven’t we? These girls were naturally pretty.

No, seriously, my cockers do the same thing.

April tells us when she competed there were no fake tans, no flippers or fake hair. There probably wasn’t any ass-shaking, either, and we see Daisy in a dress that would make pedophiles weep looking for fries to go with her shake. April says when she sees Daisy onstage she’s filled with nothing but pride. And soon your mailbox is going to be filled with nothing but “sexual predator in your neighborhood” postcards.

Yeah, she’s REAL mature.

Daisy loves hip-hop moves and what I find most fascinating is the tail that she is sporting on her outfit. It reminds me of the former stripper on What Not to Wear who wore a raccoon tail out to clubs and was told she was too whore-ish to get into them. At least April is starting Daisy early on the strip club career path.

And finally in Hosston, Louisiana, we meet Tammy and her daughter Alex who is a “beauty pageant pro.” Is that an official designation? They both put on crowns together. Tammy tells us Alex has competed in close to 300 pageants and has won 290 crowns. Ah, participation awards, you NEVER get old.

Tammy tells us they aren’t sure how much Alex has won, they haven’t kept track. Yeah, sounds like me and the Visa people! Also, it’s probably a lot less than they’ve spent and it’s best to be kept in the dark on your failures.

By the way, nice RACK.

OH MY GOD SHUT UP! Mackenzie is screaming at her mother that they are late for Diva Day. Yeah, I think you are right on time. Juana tells us that Mackenzie is so excited to go to the spa and I’m thinking if she acts like that there, a lot of people are going to be asking for their money back since relaxing was the last thing they were able to do.

Catastrophe! Mackenzie screams, “Mommy I left my Ni-Ni,” which can only mean one thing: Nuck-nuck! Pacy! Wooble! Yes, she needs her pacifier, because what four year old doesn’t except ones that are being raised correctly!?!?!?! Mackenzie screams at the top of her lungs and goes running back into the house looking for it…”NI-NI!? NI-NI!?” she screams, like it’s going to answer back. It’s probably hiding!

The viciously desperate search for rubber to suck on!

While Mackenzie goes bat-shit crazy tearing up the house looking for her goddamn pacifier while tragic Amadeus music plays, Juana voices over that Mackenzie needs her Ni-Ni when she’s tired or when she doesn’t like to cooperate…so basically 24/7. Mom finds it on the top of the dresser. Good hiding place.

Juana tells us that they did take the pacifier away from Mackenzie when she was three, but Juana felt so bad they gave it back to her. When she said this, I thought three things. That kid is a brat (given), Juana actually IS married, and the dad is totally screwing his secretary if for no other reason she’s probably quieter than Mackenzie. “I’m working late, honey, and won’t be home until Mackenzie’s asleep!”

Back with Alex, we see her sewing on a sewing machine (as opposed to an elliptical machine) and Tammy tells us Alex likes to make a lot of her own things. Alex follows this up with telling us she wants to be a clothing designer when she grows up. Well, finally. And I could totally see her engaged to Patrick Dempsey only to dump him at the alter for Josh Lucas because, well…wow, you really can’t lose with either of them, can you? Where’s my list of five hiding?

You should see Larry King’s – he painted on the ORIGINAL pair of Levi’s 501s.

She shows us some of the outfits she’s made, including a pair of jeans where she painted her own face. Alex tells us she’s a trendsetter and that after she wore the jeans onstage, other girls started painting their faces on their jeans. That is sort of cool and I could totally see pre-teens doing that. And Lisa Rinna.

Weirdest tanning bed ever. And so much fun!

Ahh! The at-home tanning machine! April tells us they just decided to purchase one themselves and I have to tell you, I’m all about this. I just need some tanning boy to come over and spray me with it…the dogs just do not have the coordination. Turns out the first time Daisy got spray-tanned, she was too dark and Lord know southern pageants don’t like anything too dark. Ahem.

Oh my God, kill me now, it’s Diva Day. You know, I hope they are doing this when customers are NOT there. The salon is Platinum Chic, so you know it’s neither, and it’s owned by Mackenzie’s aunt Megan. They’ve set up a chocolate facial and sliced cucumbers, but after eating a cucumber she wants no part of the chocolate facial. In fact, she screams NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Excellent.

Nail tech Melissa says, “I’m Melissa and I’ll be doing Mackenzie’s manicure and pedicure today.” She also looks like she wishes she were dead. I wonder if Megan makes the bad nail techs work on Mackenzie when their sales are down as punishment? Because it would be a good one. We hear Mackenzie scream in the background and Melissa blinks a few times, probably signaling “Kill me now” in Morse code.

I can’t believe I turned down the scholarship to M.I.T. just to spite my parents. Karma, you bitch!

Mackenzie begins to act like perhaps she has some kind of medical problem, I’m going with ADD or perhaps she DID dip into the chocolate, because girlfriend cannot sit still. Melissa says getting Mackenzie to sit still and work with her was impossible. And since she’s the boss’s niece and bruises would probably be visible, Melissa’s hands are tied.

“Putting nails on Mackenzie was like putting nails on a Tasmanian devil,” she says. Well, she’s half right. They give Mackenzie a juice drink with a glass rimmed with sugar and she spits it out and wants the sugar taken off IMMEDIATELY saying she doesn’t want sugar in her drink. Well, that’s going to be a problem from so many ends. Also, she’s starting to remind me of Kirstie Alley on crack.

You can take your Dom Perignon and shove it!

Back with Daisy, we meet her dance instructor Amy White and boy is she. Girl, you must drink your SPF. Daisy shows up in a Little Red Riding Hood costume that dirty old men just LOVE on their young wives, and she’s ready to shake it like she means it even though she probably doesn’t. April tells us that Daisy started dancing when she was two so she figured, “Dancing would always be a part of her little life.” Why does your daughter have to have a little life? I mean, I realize that’s the direction you put her in, but way to think small, MOM.

We see Daisy throw off her cape and shake her tulled ass. Yikes! “I think Daisy’s more mature than most six-year-olds,” her mother says. “She’s always had a little more mature personality and I think she gets that a lot from me,” she laughs. Hope you’re laughing when she comes home a mature 16-year-old mother-to-be.

April says she thinks there’s a lot of negativity towards pageants (no…really?) because people think they are dressing their kids to look older and “sexualizing them.” She says, “I don’t agree with that,” as we see footage of Daisy shaking her tulle and animal tail like a stripper. You know, at some point you’d think these parents would stop agreeing to be on this show because of the excellent editing skills of the production staff, but the pageant world is full of attention whores, isn’t it?

“I think her clothes are appropriate and I don’t think we try to make her look older,” April says. “It’s fun, it’s dress-up.” Be sure to mention that to the police when the Amber Alert hits home.

HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM can only mean one thing: Mackenzie is awake! “Don’t you want chocolate on your face?” he aunt asks her. Yes, please give this child choices. She says she will only do it if her mother does it, and you can tell her mother has enough pancake makeup on that mixing it with chocolate…will make delicious pancakes!

Poo makes the skin so soft, it really does.

Juana interviews with chocolate smeared on her face, “I came here for Mackenzie to get a chocolate facial, but somehow I got persuaded to get one myself.” Yes, those four-year-olds are amazing persuasive speakers. Have you considered putting her on Yale’s debate team? “Mackenzie will now scream for rebuttal…”

They finally get the chocolate facial on her and now she wants some in her mouth. I hope it’s really poo. I cannot believe how much time these adults just took wiping chocolate on a kid. Again, this is why I have dogs – they aren’t allowed to have chocolate!

“I definitely think more went in her mouth than on her face, but it was fun,” Juana says. An identical comment will made by the frat boy who dates Mackenzie in about 16 years.

Back over in normal land, Tammy is taking Alex to get a conditioning treatment that does not involve sweets. Alex’s flaming hairstylist tells us it’s very important to condition pageant hair because of everything that is done to it. He decides to give her big Texas hair even though they are in Louisiana and her blow-out looks great. In fact, I should get a screen shot of that and take it to my stylist – this guy knows hair!

Whining and crying can only mean one thing, we’re back with Mackenzie. She is bent over looking at the kitchen floor (?) as her mother asks if she wants to help roll the hair of the wig. She whines that the rollers are hot. Her life is full of all kinds of tragedy.

Mackenzie is bouncing all over the walls and house and outside, screaming and yelling and flopping all over the place as her mother tries to pick her up. Juana says, “Mackenzie likes to do what Mackenzie likes to do, so I just let her do whatever she wants to do.” Well, the important thing is that you are creating a human being that many of us are going to want to hold under water until she stops moving and/or screaming, whichever comes first. Was that too specific?

Back with Daisy and April, they have invested in a new flipper. We are introduced to Dan Elliot who says, “I have a dental lab in Westlake, Louisiana.” That’s specific. Also, I would imagine a dental lab in Louisiana is like a 7-Eleven, open 24/7 to serve the needs of the locals. He says he was very surprised to get a request to make teeth for a kid since he’s usually just working on people who actually need teeth.

Ah, pre-pageant day in wonderful Lafayette, Louisiana, where we see the crowns are actually rhinestone miniature Eiffel Towers, which are TOTALLY COOL! You know how I loves me some big-ass tiaras, people. Bonjour!

Luckily, this pageant consists only of beauty wear and outfit of (the mother’s) choice, no swimsuit so that saves me loads on the vitriol this week. “We would like to give them a good, fair, honest pageant,” Pamela says. Then why not have them compete naturally? Or move the pageant to Iowa? And you know it’s classy when Pamela gets up and pronounces the pageant for everyone while wearing an Eiffel Tower t-shirt.

Alex tries to say the name of the pageant. April tries to say it. Alex admits she doesn’t know French. April giggles like a school girl who took French but had some Poindexter take tests for her. Juana admits she doesn’t know how to say it, which as we know, is the first step to any recovery program. Mackenzie just looks high on sugar, mostly because she doesn’t know where she is right now let alone where Paris is.

Then some French woman named Laurence (?) tells us the correct pronunciation, translates it into English, then looks mortified to be a part of this whole program. Get in line.

Pamela is telling us about the three girls we are following and once again a pageant director uses the phrase “firecracker” to describe the obnoxious brat of the episode, Mackenzie. She does say that there are enough crowns to go around, so “Nobody’s going to be fighting,” she says, as we see some freak of nature dressed as Shirley Temple actually punch some kind of blow-up doll or egg…have they considered anger management pageants?

Alex is getting her hair done by Miss Christy who we’ve seen in some other episodes. I hope she’s socking some money away so she can escape to Mexico soon and never have to see these kids again.

Tammy says she’s really worried about hair and makeup because she thinks those are the two things that could really hurt Alex today. I’m thinking it’s parading your daughter around making sure she knows that her looks are the only thing she has going for her is going to hurt more in the long run, and there is no conditioning treatment or blow-out that is going to fix that.

Again, kudos to the production team…there is plinky-plunky sort of lullaby music but with an evil tone playing and Mackenzie slowly pushes open the hotel room door looking crazed and asking for her Ni-Ni. I bet Juana was pissed when she saw this episode…but she did create this monster.

Juana tells us she’s not sure how long “Ni-Ni” will be in Mackenzie’s life, “hopefully not too long.” Uh, she’s four and still sucking on a Ni-Ni. She’ll have that until she’s dead. They’ve been talking about giving it to the Ni-Ni fairy, but even the fairy is like, “Damn, I don’t want one with those razor-teeth marks in it.” Mackenzie keeps saying, “Ni-Ni,” as she twirls around and keeps catching glimpses of herself in the hotel room window. This is what happened to Baby Jane’s granddaughter!

April tells us that since they are new to the pageant circuit, they are most nervous about beauty. You mean because it’s a BEAUTY pageant and that’s what the entire score is based on? It would have been awesome if she had said they were most nervous about her spelling the word philodendron correctly. And thank you, spell-check, for making my typed A an O to correctly spell it…luckily, I’m more worried about my beauty than smarts too.

Daisy asks for her ENERGY DRINK which they beep out because TLC will be damned if they are going to let ENERGY DRINK get any free advertising during their show, and believe me, they get a lot of time. Let’s just say, it’s something that gives you wings. Daisy is hooked on the stuff and all I have to say is parents, thanks for keeping your standards low, your kids hopped up, and dentists in boats.

Madonna, the early years.

Daisy says she’s excited to be onstage and she ate a lot of doughnuts after slamming down her ENERGY DRINK to make sure she has a lot of energy. And cavities and fat cells that are beginning to clump.

Mackenzie is bitching about her itchy dress as her mother says she’s not sure how Mackenzie is going to do today, because it depends on what her mood is today. Does she have any other mood besides full-on spoiled brat bitch? Because that’s all we’ve seen. And FYI, please don’t get her any pets. Call it a hunch.

Screaming, yelling, no-no-no. Aw, there’s dad…let’s see his excuse. Dad Jonathon tells us that Mackenzie can get a little grouchy if she doesn’t get enough sleep. Yeah, she can be grouchy just from living, dad. “NOOOOOOOOOOO! Mommy! I’m not putting those on,” she says about her shoes. God, I would totally spank this kid into next year, I swear to God. We are waaaay past time outs.

Oh my God, shut the f*ck up about the Ni-Ni already.

Jonathon says that when Mackenzie has temper-tantrums, she seems to cry and holler “a lot.” What the hell does he think temper tantrums are? “I just let her have whatever she wants to do,” he says. Okay, outside of the bastardization of the English language there, he’s a freakin’ moron. Way to teach your kids correct behavior, Puss-in-t-shirt.

On the way to the pageant, Mackenzie says she feels like Sleeping Beauty. If only we could get that kind of quiet out of you! Then she says she feels like Cinderella. Well, you’re acting like Wicked Stepmother, but you’re at least in the right stories.

Pageant Director Pamela tells us the toughest part of the competition will be beauty. THAT IS THE ONLY PART OF THE COMPETITION, MORON! Jesus, these people are idiots. There’s no talent, there’s no Q&A, there’s not athletic competition. Try using your head for something other than a beret holder, Pamela.

One of the judges gives us the “whole package” song and dance we now cannot get out of our heads like “Total Eclipse of the Dark,” and says she wants to see the makeup match the girls’ features. Okay, here’s the problem with that. Little girls should NOT BE WEARING MAKEUP! Why do you make me type in all caps so much?!?!?! I hate yelling. Actually, I don’t, and it’s mostly at drivers in the fast lane who are not, you know, DRIVING FAST. See?

Some little girl just picked her nose and hid it in her tulle. Cancel the pageant, we already have our winner!

There’s the money shot!

Four year olds up first – OH NO! Look who’s in Mackenzie’s group…EDEN! It’s over. Everyone go home. Juana says Eden is their biggest competition but I think controlling emotions is. Mackenzie is about to go onstage and snots off to her mother, shaking and looking possessed. Seriously, this girl is going to have some violence issues when she grows up. Again, no pets.

Juana says if Mackenzie doesn’t win the pageant, she will feel let down because they put a lot of time and money and effort into the pageant. Yeah, too bad Mackenzie didn’t. Unfortunately, Mackenzie gets onstage and acts like a perfect little princess and you just know she’s going to be rewarded for this bullshit behavior. “Her hobbies are singing, dancing, playing dress up, sacrificing small animals to her father Satan, sucking the blood from snakes, writing to her pen-pal Lord Voldemort, and playing with her friends.” She does have a full life.

Daisy is getting onstage now and she looks absolutely adorable in her big hair (I can’t help it, I grew up in the 80s and I adore big hair) and shell-pink dress. She looks really pretty and not too overdone and the flippers weren’t too Tom-Cruise-y. She says her mom and aunt were proud of her and I thought that was pretty cool.

And I want to promote world peace and hetero-only marriages during my reign.

Next up, Alex…she says her mother is nervous because all the other girls have huge teased hair and Alex doesn’t, so she’s afraid Alex won’t get the points she needs to win. However, Alex says she feels fine about it. Another normal kid…boring! Get back to Satan’s spawn!

Well, Alex does have small hair but she looks really cute in her blue dress. Her mother says her smile started to look forced so she yelled, “Go smoothie!” to her, which reminds me of the other mother a season or two ago who yelled, “Go flossie!” These poor mothers and their sad euphemisms for “Smile better!”

Hey! You know it’s a serious competition when the judges all have pens with feathers on the ends!

In keeping with the French theme, all the judges have French ticklers!

Juana tells us working with Mackenzie was hard because she was super cranky “today.” Uh, Juana? She’s super cranky “every day.” Your kid is a total monster and now national television has made sure everyone knows you need Super Nanny, and even she’s not answering that call.

Oh my God, I hate this kid with the heat of a thousands suns.

“No, no, I’m not doing that, I’m sorry (she’s not)….you are driving me nuts,” Mackenzie huffs and puffs at her mother. Please, someone smack that kid, please, please, please. “Oh my GOSH,” she says, “Leave me alone, people.” Don’t worry, they all will eventually. “Take it OFF! I HATE PUTTING THIS ON! I DON’T WANT IT ONNNNNN!” and wait…did I just hear a slap? Please tell me I did!

Seriously. Put her in a pillowcase with a bunch of rocks and toss her into the river. No one will look for her, trust me.

I ran the DVR back but I think Juana just slapped her own arm or leg. Right move, wrong person. Juana yells stop it and they head off to the pageant. Be sure to push her horns back into her head before she gets onstage.

April, back in the sane world, tells us she’s most nervous about outfit of choice. You should be more nervous about beauty, you know, like everyone else. Daisy has a new routine and April is worried she’s going to forget some of the moves. Daisy asks for another ENERGY DRINK and it turns out by the time she’s ready for the pageant, she’s had three. That is a lot of ENERGY DRINK for anyone, let alone someone who weighs less than 100 pounds.

Madonna, the later years.

Miss Christy tells us that Mackenzie is a “little rowdy” which is code for “stark-raving mad spoiled brat from the bowels of hell.” Mackenzie is causing nothing but trouble in the hair and makeup line, thinking she’s the only one who needs fixed up when there is a BIG LINE behind her. Miss Christy had to keep chasing her and in my opinion, I would have tossed her to the back of the line and made her wait. Instead, all the adults continue to put up with her bullshit.

Mackenzie continues to shine by getting makeup all over her white gloves, screaming and yelling, pushing her mother because “she pushed me first,” and screaming for her Ni-Ni. I’d shove that Ni-Ni right up her Shawshank and see how she liked it then.

Miss Christy is done with Mackenzie and is petting her Yorkie (?) to calm down. Who the hell brings dogs to these things? Maybe she’s consoling the Yorkie since it was almost sacrificed by Mackenzie. Tammy asks Miss Christy if she’s ready for Alex. She’s ready for a Xanax, and they both have Xs in them, does that count?

Tammy admits she was disappointed in how Alex was shoved through hair and makeup because of the time constraints…thanks, Mackenzie! Alex is also upset with her hair and doesn’t want it smoothed out because it was going to be late to be onstage. She whips out the “I don’t care,” comment which shows how tired she’s getting.

This must be that “building a girl’s self-esteem” they always talk about.

Juana says she had a breakdown today because Mackenzie wasn’t minding her or listening. How is that different from EVERY DAY? Juana says it bothers her to see Mackenzie act that way after all the money they spend on her, “But she is only four and just started doing this, so as time comes she will become more disciplined.” How? Through osmosis from the well-mannered children? How long are you going to use her age as an excuse? “Well, she’s only 25, so with time…”

Who let Mackenzie into the makeup? She is rubbing blood-red lipstick all over her lips. I have to tell you, the look works for her. It’s all crazy-bitch and makes her look like someone who has lost her mind and needs to be committed. Phew! They wipe it off. Crisis averted. At least on her face.

Pamela says she doesn’t want the girls’ clothes falling off and one of the judges admits that sometimes the routines get to be “a little too much.” Finally! Someone with sense. Ish. You mean like that girl in the pirate costume who clearly is already stripping? Jesus!

And I love how the Eiffel Tower represents the va-jay-jay!

Mackenzie is onstage looking like…a Buckingham Palace guard? She dances all over and all the adults are like she’s awesome, she rocks, she’s great…”She was full of spunk and personality,” Juana says. Somebody’s full of something.

Daisy onstage does a great job dancing as her mom says she’s proud and her aunt holds her head up as though she’s trying to hide a chicken neck. You don’t have one, you can calm down. Alex, on the other hand, is throwing a fit about her hair, but luckily is able to get onstage and shine. I would kill for her red patent leather boots!

Seriously, who do I have to kill? Please say Makenzie!

Ah, Pamela, again, the t-shirt really works for you. Get to the crowning. The “auditor” says the winners were within one-tenth of a point of each other. An auditor? Wow, who knew pageants were so technical.

All the four year olds get onstage…I swear to God, if Mackenzie wins anything…I will spit. Divisional Queen…not Mackenzie…Divisional Supreme Queen…OH THAT IS BULLSHIT! Mackenzie wins. Well, luckily that means she loses the big one, which I’m guessing is going to Eden. Also, I would recommend ducking because here comes the spit.

It would have been awesome if Juana had just punched Makenzie’s chin upward and she bit off her tongue. Little bitch.

They interview some girl – it’s not one of ours, is it? Doesn’t look like Daisy or Alex – who says, “I met Mackenzie,” then lowers her voice and says, “She tried to bite me!” and you hear laughter off-camera. I told you, Mackenzie is a possessed little monster. Her teen years are going to be a real treat.

Juana is very happy with the win, she didn’t think they’d get that big of one. What can you do, sometimes evil does pay off.

Daisy’s group…Prettiest eyes, not Daisy. Prettiest hair…Daisy! Divisional Queen…Daisy interviews that if she wins the prize money, she’s going to throw it up in the air, “And let it rain down on me.” Isn’t that a stripper concept? Raining money down? Sweet, merciful crap, the stuff these kids know nowadays. And she wins! Everyone get out their umbrellas, it’s raining!

Her aunt Gigi tells her that she’s done for the day, there’s no winning a bigger crown. Wow, rude! You could have been nicer about how you put it. Daisy says whoever wins the big crown, congratulations and she’ll get them next time…or, you could be proud of what you did win…now I’m defending these pageants!

Thanks for ruining the whole damn day, Chicken Neck.

Alex’s division is next…Prettiest eyes…Alex! Wait – there are only two in this division? Yikes! Most beautiful…not Alex. Prettiest hair…Alex! So I guess it wasn’t such a big issue with the hair. Divisional Supreme Queen…Alex! You win! That means you lose! Alex, sporting a crown bigger than God, says although she didn’t win the big prize, she was happy with her win.

Ironically, this is how I dressed for my last interview!

Tammy turns to Miss Christy who is clutching her Yorkie for life and says, “Her face looks better with the crown on, it looked fat before.” Well, you would know, Tummy – I mean, Tammy. She kind of slams on Christy’s hair styling skills and Christie semi-snots back that Tammy should have done the hair herself. Tammy says she felt Alex was off today and that her hairstyle choices didn’t flatter her.

You know, I’m not deaf, ‘tard…when you complain about my work, I CAN HEAR YOU AND SO CAN MR. YORKIE.

Miss Christy interviews that Alex did win Prettiest Hair, “So I guess I did a pretty good job.” Yes, way to save face and stick it to Tammy in this mockumentary.

The 2009 Ultimate Supreme Queen…EDEN! Go figure! She does look great and she does kick the competition’s ass. Juana says she’d love for Mackenzie to be “at that point in her pageant life.” Hey, I just want Mackenzie to use her inside voice. Baby steps, Juana.

“I don’t know if learning discipline through pageants will help her,” Juana says, “we’ll just have to see.” Then we see footage of Mackenzie taking a baby doll and hitting herself in the face (it does look like she’s going to bite the baby) and laughing…hitting and laughing…hitting and ouch, she hits herself in the head. “Ow, that hurt.” Dumbass. The last shot? Juana rolling her eyes. Yes, so is every viewer. So is EVERY viewer.

How can I kill Makenzie and make it look like an accident?

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