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Hey everyone! Welcome back to another edition of Toddlers & Tiaras: Living My Life Through My Daughter. The mayhem of pageant life continues, as does my clear hatred of fatty-fat-fat-fats. We begin with Pageant Director Lisa Fulgham who TLC must have interrupted for her interview while she was cleaning house. Seriously, woman looks like she just rolled out of bed and is waiting for the coffee to brew.
This pageant director will only be paid in cigarettes going forward.
Lisa says she started the pageant “America’s Trezured Dollz” – Jesus Christ – because she thinks all little girls are dolls and they should be treasured. Then she should see them at my local Target on Saturday, because they are brats who should be drowned. Also, that kind of comment makes women seem like Glass-Menagerie fragile, which is really insulting.
She started the “system” as she calls it because they needed one that “took less and gave more to the contestants.” Which is exactly the opposite of what happens here today. In fact, what happens here probably borderlines on robbery. Or is flat-out robbery.
She says that if they win here they can go off to the national pageant which has more than $250,000 in prizes. Okay, I really doubt your pageant, which is in its FIRST YEAR, is a qualifier for a national pageant. In fact, I’m guessing if you have the entrance fee, you’re in the national pageant. She says there’s drama at every pageant. Well, she she’s about to be the drama queen, so she would know.
First up, Germantown, Kentucky, which is just a hop, skip, jump and a couple of civil rights bills away from yours truly. Actually, I’m too lazy to look at a map. Here we meet mom Carrie and her 2-year-old daughter Kennedy, a “pageant princess.” Then she sing-song-y says to Kennedy, “Practice makes perfect” in such a way I want to punch her in the nose.
Kennedy is very cute, but she’s a whiner and doesn’t listen. Carrie tells us that Kennedy has done 80 pageants but this will be their first glitz – so you know she’s going down. She also tells us that Kennedy is good at practicing and is disciplined but editing shows us otherwise, and ends with Kennedy going face-first into the wood frame of their sofa, motionless. Excellent!
If only she had stayed there forever. Kids are stupid.
Next up we’re in Mt. Washington, Kentucky with 6-year-old Chloe and mom Mandy. Chloe is adorable and has been in about 75 pageants where she normally wins ultimate supreme pan pizza. Chloe shows us her favorite bikini and says she likes to show her stomach and shake her butt. Well, you are six, so now’s the time to start practicing your talent routine, “Jailbait.”
In Loganville, Georgia, we meet our freaks of the week. Mom Sabrina butches the English language as she tells us that her daughter Iyana is going to “luxuriate across the stage.” Man, I hate it when people start making up words. Also, she seems to be wearing a track suit (not for anything but TRACK, people) that has pictures of both daughters on it in such a way it looks like she has an extra set of boobs and they are looking RIGHT AT US. Then she snaps her fingers in a way that I don’t think has been done since 1998. Is she going to say “All that and a bag of chips?” She sort of just did.
Iyana is six and this is going to be her second pageant. What that means is clearly she’s a late-comer to the pageant world and will be waaay behind the other girls in terms of polish, and mom is clueless. Sister Kaya is just along for the ride. I guess we know who’s mommy’s favorite.
The family is at a very nice dress shop and the girls begin to run around like, well, children. The dress shop owner is not pleased and is less pleased when Sabrina balks at the price of the dresses (one is $500 – see? Amateur. That’s nothing in pageant terms) and leaves without purchasing any after saying “Hell to the no.” Yes, there’s your pageant mom right there. She won’t be involved in these long.
Sabrina calls Iyana “Sybil,” but says, “Not in the crazy way.” Oh, you mean in the talks-to-the-animal kind of way? “She’s sassy.” Yeah, nobody said that about Sybil or any of her personalities. She was crazy and I do believe that was the medical term they used.
Sabrina tells us that for their first pageant she had both girls involved and she used dresses that they had taken on a cruise. Oh, man, you know I’d be stuck next to this family at the captain’s table if I went on a cruise. She says she thought the dresses were pretty fly, but I think we all know cruisewear and pageantwear are two very different things.
Kennedy is at the salon whining, which is typical for a 2-year-old at a salon which is why they shouldn’t be there. Carrie has a “bum hand” and says her aunt is going to do Kennedy’s hair and makeup, and she has absolutely no experience doing either. In fact, the aunt looks like a deer in headlights just talking about doing hair and makeup. This should be good.
The face of fear.
Oh Lord. Sabrina is sporting a different hairstyle/wig and looks like a tornado hit her head and left her with a longer swirl of hair at one side than the other. In order to find a cheaper dress, she said she had to turn into “Snoop Dog McGruff,” which I’m sure McGruff the Crime Dog really appreciated. Then she compares herself to Magnum P.I. as she used her skill, finesse, and prowess to GET ON EBAY AND ORDER A DRESS. Yes, that is one website you’d have to really be a detective to find.
Iyana says, “I WANT TO SHOW THOSE JUDGES HOW PRETTY I AM.” Honey, I’m writing this at 6am to avoid working out. How about showing us your INSIDE VOICE?!?!?
Here’s the weird thing – they keep showing both girls in dresses but then end up only showing Iyana in the pageant. I’m not sure if they ran out of editing time, interest or if bigger Iyana just ended up not competing.
Sabrina shows them how to “luxuriate across the stage” and basically these kids are not going to win. She is not practicing with them, there is no coach and clearly she has no real knowledge of pageants and how to perform. I mean, I don’t compete, I just watch the show, and even I know better. “You look off into the air like I’m so beautiful and y’all are down there,” she tells them. These girls are going down, downtown!
The art of luxuriating takes some mad skillz.
Oh my God, for outfit of choice, she’s purchased…what? What are those? Ginormous “dresses” that basically look like the girls are in huge sacks of tulle and polyester but with wings. They seriously look like she took a couple of her big-ass skirts, cut them, put some elastic on them, and slapped them on her kids. They show absolutely no shape and in fact, make the kids look like oompa-loompa. Why not just stay home instead? It would be cheaper.
Sweet shit, that’s awful.
Sabrina went with a “love theme” for outfit of choice and actually says she went over-the-top and “drag-queen like.” Oh my God, a bunch of Texas pageant mothers just shuddered for reasons unknown. Drag-queen like? You have no clue, do you? These mothers pretend drag queens don’t exist! Also, where is this woman’s husband, I want to see the face of the man that impregnated this woman…twice!
“Let me luxuriate in you right now,” Sabrina says, and English teachers everywhere die just a little….more. She calls people who eat, sleep and dream pageants “pageant buffies.” So what does that make recappers who do the same? Ruffies? Well, sort of. “We gonna tell those buffies, ‘Step aside,’” she says. Unfortunately for Sabrina, those buffies won’t step anywhere except on your asses as they go up for their trophies.
Back with Kennedy, Dad Jordan brings in a package for Kennedy and says he doesn’t understand pageants at all. Get in line. It’s Kennedy’s swimwear and Carrie says they sell the old dresses to buy new ones. Well, that make more sense. They put the swimwear on her and she keeps whining for them to take it off. Must be itchy as hell. Then Carrie introduces us to her less fun kids, two boys who clearly hate pageants and clearly hate the new swimsuit. Itchy and hated. Just like Heidi Montag.
Mommy, this itches like a dirty, dirty girl.
Chloe is over at the salon about to get a facial, which all kids with perfect skin need. She is absolutely and completely afraid and says she doesn’t want to go through with it. She asks what they are going to put on her face and looks scared to death.
Wait, you’re going to put what where?
Poor Chloe holds he mother’s hand like she’s going through her first gyno appointment or something. Seriously, why not just get her a blow-out, hair knows no fear. Speaking of hair, Mandy says she takes pageants seriously but clearly she doesn’t take conditioning to heart.
Oh, honey, and a flat-iron. No, really.
Freakshow! Sabrina is sporting her Dorothy-Wizard-of-Oz hair (how can you be taken seriously?) right now as she discusses spending time with the girls gluing stones to the girls’ dresses to give it that…homey look. Yes, because unleashing little girls with toxic-fumed glue on fancy dresses is a good move. They are going to be a hot mess on that stage. “I’m getting a contact high,” she says about the glue. Security!
“This is my ‘get-my-creative-on’ hair,” she says, mostly to her daughters but then we see her sneak a peek at the camera and we all get it – this is about Sabrina. Sabrina performing, Sabrina pontificating, Sabrina attempting to get her own reality show. Which is coming soon to Fox, no doubt.
Wow, she’s Dorothy and Munchkin all rolled into one. And a little Oompa-Loompa.
Pre-pageant day! Nashville rockz! This pageant suckz! Pageant Director Lisa continues to look like a flu victim as she interviews that the pageant is up for grabs. No shit, Sherlock. “It doesn’t matter if you’re a seasoned veteran or a newcomer, we’re just looking for someone well put-together,” she says. Well, that would give the veterans and edge, don’t you think?
And here we go! Lisa tells us the pageant world can be complicated and we see her taking money from pageant moms – and she’s in the same clothes. Man, that is one lazy bitch. She tells us how much pageants bring in each year then goes on to say how much pageant directors make – $20K per year to a quarter of a million. Tonight, Lisa will be making $15-20K for doing dick then taking off with the loot. So at least we know which box she checks on surveys under “income.”
Mandy is registering and the pageant was advertised as $300, but she’s being charged $375. Turns out the discount doesn’t apply to people who registered early, which makes no freaking sense. Also, did anyone else notice how Lisa just kept her eye on the money, almost salivating as people handed over the cash? And this must be all-cash because no pageant would be stupid enough to take checks and they probably don’t have the clout at this level to get a credit-card machine. Plus, credit card charges can be disputed, RIGHT LISA?
Feed me, Seymour!
Sabrina interviews – sans wig, and now the braids make sense – that the pageant is a huge monstrosity, and she says this over her and her daughters shoving their monstrous mouths full of food. She says the stage is huge, like a runway (it looks like every other stage we’ve ever seen in pageants) but bemoans the fact they didn’t have a chance to practice…as editing shows us because they were too busy eating and drinking from a fountain that looks like white chocolate. Ick.
NO! FEED MEEE, SEYMOUR!
And Sabrina continues to butcher the English language by being upset with her chosen makeup artist and saying she doesn’t like people “stunting.” Stunting is when “you portray yourself as something other than you are but are really not.” It sounds like she said “betray yourself.” Either way, she’s a moron. She also seems to be stunting as a pageant mom.
As we could have expected, Kennedy’s aunt pussed out of attending the pageant because clearly she didn’t want to look like an ass on national TV, and probably because she didn’t want to be around a whiney 2-year old all damn day. She’s turned out to be the smartest of us all.
Chloe’s makeup artist is that Thin-White-Duke David Bowie look-alike Mykel Baca, who I think has been on another episode. I bet he’d be hilarious to go have drinks with – all bitchy like a recapper. He does over-rouge Chloe, but otherwise I thought she looked the most glitzy out of all the others – but they are kind of amateurs.
All I’m saying is bitch looks like he knows how to dish.
So everyone is ready to go…except the pageant staff! Carrie talks to Lisa who looks once again like she just rolled out of bed (stuffed with the last pageant’s take, I’m sure!), and it turns out the pageant is about 20 minutes behind schedule. Kids love that. Then 25 minutes. Then 30 minutes. Dude, what is the problem?
Finally, the emcee begins the damn show! Suddenly, Kennedy notices all the prizes on the table and she goes apeshit about wanting all of them. This greed will come back and bite her in the ass very quickly.
Carrie and Kennedy get onstage and she throws a total and complete fit, pointing and crying, “Mine! Mine!” as she eyes the prizes. Through gritted teeth, Carrie says, “STOP IT SMILE NOW!” but it’s too late. She has a pout, she whines, she looks like she hates life and Carrie drags her offstage and says, “Kennedy did horrible.” She blames the fact that they were running behind for Kennedy’s meltdown, but the problem really is she’s a whiney two year old. Kid WHINES like a mofo.
Chloe walks out looking gorgeous in a red dress and her hair all up, but the cheeks match too closely with the dress. They really should have toned that down, but overall she looks great. Competing against her is Iyana who doesn’t look great. Sabrina is not happy with her hair and makeup and makes sure everyone knows it. “I can’t say what I want to say now,” she says. Because you have too much class to luxuriate us with your complaints?
Sabrina tells Iyana to watch the other girls and do what they do, which is easier said and done. Most of these girls have clearly practiced, they know to go to their Xs, they know to blow kisses and how to hold their hands – this is like poodle-training, not improv, Sabrina. Either prepare your girls or stay home and snack. Man, I could really go for some Doritos.
I’m sorry, do you need to practice or to pee?
Iyana gets onstage and looks cute, but her hands aren’t right, she’s very stiff and she keeps jerking back and forth. Sabrina says the lights on the stage make Iyana nervous. Uh, it’s a stage, that’s kind of the concept. One of the judges says she’s cute but it’s clear she’s still building her confidence, and the judge makes this bouncy movement back and forth like Iyana. Translation: She’s unprepared for a glitz pageant right now.
Sabrina says Iyana did as well as any of the other pageant buffies, which…denial, nice move. The good thing is Sabrina is proud of her daughter and told her so, so she does get points there. Unfortunately, those can’t be counted towards a crown.
Chloe gets onstage and rocks it. She is very polished and clearly has practiced. Give her the crown! And give me that dress!
Pinching is for ladies, rouge is for whores.
Oh good, Kennedy is in itchy swimsuit. This should go well. But wait! The emcee says they are going to take a brief pause so they can let the girls get ready for swimwear. Translation: The pageant director needs a diversion while she peels out of the parking lot with y’alls money, suckas!
Now the pageant is 45 minutes behind schedule. Now 50 minutes. Turns out someone is still getting their hair and makeup done, which we all know that they should have plenty of time for (if the pageant was set up correctly, which it clearly wasn’t), and if they are late, points off. Carrie is pissed because itchy swimsuit is itchy and if she knew they had to wait for someone else’s whiney kid, she wouldn’t have put that nasty thing on her kid so quickly.
Now it’s one hour behind. The emcee says she wishes she could entertain people, but she’s not an entertainer, singer, or great with standup comedy. She’s not great with commentary, either. She laughs, but no one laughs with her. Because they all want to eat her liver.
One hour five minutes behind schedule. Carrie yells at Lisa about how her two-year-old is really aggravated (passive aggressive, you both are!) and Lisa interviews that pageants can bring out the nasty in people. So can waiting more than an hour with whiney kids you dumb bitch! Get on schedule!
“These people drive me f#cking crazy,” she says. Wow, if we hadn’t seen the red flags up to now, one has now poked us in the eyes. You probably should consider another career. Have you thought about grifting?
One hour and 20 minutes behind. Carrie is less than impressed with the pageant because of “the way it’s being ran.” Oh, Kentucky schools, I weep for your wards. One hour thirty minutes behind and they are ready to go. What the hell was the hold up? Was it really someone getting ready? They never actually tell us.
Kennedy is ready to get onstage and she continues to whine. She’s cute, but was this really worth the money and effort? Let me answer for you – no. She still doesn’t do well. Money? Flushed.
Iyana gets onstage and doesn’t really have a routine. She walks to one X, jiggles around, walks to the next X, jiggles, walks to the final X and wails around like she’s on meth. Sabrina says, “I guess she thought it was over…she did it in a drive-by fashion.” Yes, because you didn’t tell her what she was supposed to do, you didn’t have a coach train her and you didn’t practice. So of course she effed up!
Chloe gets onstage and shakes it like she means it – because she really does. Judge Big Poppa – no, I’m not kidding, that’s his name on the show – says that Chloe really does it for him because she knows her points and her steps, “and she’s very well-groomed at her age.” Do you think people with kids get that special email from the Sexual Predators Division of their local police station when Big Poppa moves to their neighborhood? Because I’m thinking yes. Run, Chloe, run!
Just keep 1000 feet away from schools and be sure to send the police your address when you move.
Next? Outfit of (mother’s) choice. Mykel interviews the pageant was going nuts and they didn’t have a realistic schedule together, which leads me to believe that they were running behind because they didn’t leave enough time between events for the girls to get ready. Mykel wouldn’t lie to us, would he?
Two hours 10 minutes behind schedule. The kids are starting to run down and get cranky. Mandy says the pageant is a mess. They are now 2 hours and 20 minutes behind schedule and they are back in action! That poor emcee, does she get time and a half for this?
Kennedy does her home alone face, shakes her head, does kissy fingers KISSY FINGERS! hisses Carrie and finally mom is proud. Now let her nap, we all need a break from that kid.
Oh good, it’s time for Toddlers & Trannies, Iyana. I wish they would have shown the faces of the judges and audience when she got onstage in that monstrosity. Sabrina says seeing Iyana on stage was like Christmas. Well, it did look like a wrapping paper tornado, that’s for damn sure. Once again, Iyana just jiggles back and forth instead of doing a walk like she’s supposed to. Sabrina really has no clue. “I was fighting back tears because of how she luxuriated across the stage.” Kill. Me. Now.
Luxuriating in tandem with mom! Now that’s talent!
Chloe has the coolest 60s outfit is blue and turquoise and go-go boots, but she almost fell backwards at one point because she’s just lost her spark and she’s freakin’ tired. But Mandy is still confident Chloe is going to win.
This would totally sell at Target. I know, because I would buy it!
Kennedy is zonked out. Sabrina calls the pageant a hot mess. Carrie says the pageant was supposed to be done at 2:30 but it’s 5 and they still haven’t crowned anyone. Everyone must be just wiped. I know I am.
Finally some peace and quiet!
Crowning! Two-year-olds first. If Kennedy gets anything, I will spit. First Alternate…Kennedy. CHWA-TOOEY! While I wipe my computer down, Carrie bitches that there were supposed to be category winners – swimwear, outfit of choice, glitz photos – but none of that happened. Aren’t they behind enough? I mean, don’t you just want to Grand Slam it at Denny’s and go to bed?
Way to hide your disdain and hatred of the other 2-year-old.
Mandy interviews that it turns out the director left and when Carrie asks one of the judges where Lisa is, the judge says that is what they were trying to find out. I’m going to say she’s about two hours out on her way to Mexico. Mykel says that Lisa skipped out without paying her bill and without providing cash money to the winners. Duh, what conference center puts on an event without some kind of deposit or way to kill the person who leaves without paying?
You know we can see you, right?
Mandy says there was a letter the director gave everyone a letter saying the prizes that were supposed to be awarded would be sent to everyone within 2 weeks. Lisa is shown giving people a stack of letters that she probably wrote last week when she cooked this all up, and she still looks like showering was not on her schedule.
Lisa Fulgham cheating people out of money. Get a good look at this face, you’ll probably see her on America’s Most Wanted.
An “Angry Pageant Mom” says there’s no way in hell they are seeing that money and Iyana says, “Give me the crown, witch!” Uh, you’re wearing one. Did you steal it or buy it? Because you sure as shit didn’t earn it.
Six year old crowd…all the girls walk onstage professionally, stand with one toe out, poised and polished. And Iyana comes charging up like it’s lunchtime and she wants to be the first in line. Don’t get me wrong, kid has zazz (oh, I said it), but she is not pageant material at this time. Get thee to a coach, witch!
Second alternate…Iyana. That’s second loser, right? Oh well. Like I said, she’s cute. “I luxuriated across the stage,” she says. Oh, man, take that damn thing off her RIGHT NOW! Sabrina says, “That’s one thing below the queen.” No, I think second alternate is queen only if the queen drops dead and the first alternate gets caught in a sex scandal with Big Poppa. So that’s TWO below.
Queen? Not Chloe, which means she’s off to the next level. YAY!
Mini Supreme Pan Pizza with Anchovies this time…Chloe! YAY! Enjoy your I.O.U. Mandy says she feels scammed with this because Chloe was supposed to get $250. Angry Pageant Mom says the director Lisa collected somewhere between $15,000 and $20,000 and she walked with the money. Mykel says she stole not from parents, but from little girls. Aren’t all pageant highway robbery?
F#ck this noise, I’m calling the fuzz for my $250.
I looked online and couldn’t find anything other than Lisa having a lot of different aliases (go figure) and that pageant rip-offs are rampant. The show’s ending has a note that 3 months after the pageant, Chloe never got her $250 – that would buy Lisa Fulgham a lot of meth, wouldn’t it? Anyhoo, it also had a note that no one could track down Lisa anywhere – probably because that’s not her real name. Well, enjoy hell, Lisa Fulgham, you were certainly be burning in it.
Next week? Some kid falls off the back of the stage during a routine, I cannot wait! I will absolutely luxuriate in his misery.