Toddlers and Tiaras: Stupidest Comments Ever

The season finale of Toddlers & Tiaras leaves a little to be desired in terms of tantrums and psychos, but luckily we do have one mother who provides us with a massive amount of stupid comments, Peter Tork’s illegitimate son competing and a girl with (gasp!) flat hair, so we make up for it in other ways.

Pageant Director Rita Alaman both directs and OWNS the Royal Essence pageant in Henderson, Nevada.  Since she’s an owner, we can be 99.99% sure she won’t Fulghum™ the contestants.  The entry fee is high considering some of the other pageants we’ve seen – $500 for the basic entry and then “plus-plus for the extras,” she tells us.  Meaning, if you want your kid to have the most chances of winning “Best Toes,” you’ll pay up.  What’s interesting is they aren’t looking for the total package, but instead the “It” factor.  Finally, something different!

You may have to, loser.

First up is Las Vegas diva Olivia who screams, “I AM THREE YEARS OLD.  I WILL STEAL THAT CROWN!”  And if she doesn’t, her mother sure as shit will.  Mom Jillian tells us Olivia is the “star of our pageant family.”  Meaning she’s a spoiled brat much like her mother.  Jillian tries to practice a little with Olivia (including oddly wearing a sash) and when Olivia doesn’t play nice, Jillian says, “You’re not going to be in the pageant then, I will be.”  Turns out, this is Jillian’s modus operandi.

“I love pageants, I’m obsessed with pageants.  To be honest, being physically beautiful does get you ahead in the world,” she says.  I think we all know she has a point, but then comes STUPID COMMENT #1:

“If you look at mass murderers who are on trial for killing thousands of people, it’s hard for a society to convict somebody that’s really attractive.” Then she cocks her head and smiles.

She may look cute, but she’s dumb as a box of rocks.

Sweet shit on a stick, who the hell is she talking about? Hitler?  Hot!  But, he died before we could put him on trial.  Stalin?  Mao? Pol Pot?  Suharto?  Richard Speck?  Whomever is running Rwanda?  I mean, help me out here, what hot mass murderer is this stupid bitch talking about?  I seriously almost threw something at the TV except it’s a really nice TV I got for my birthday last year, and I wasn’t going to ruin it for this ignorant twaaaaat.

Here’s the funny part, Olivia has only done 6 pageants, so how obsessed can Jillian be at this point?  Olivia’s dad and pussy-whipped husband James is trying to tell her how to do Barbie arms while her mother tells her something different and she just picks at her hands.

Jillian says initially p-whipped James wasn’t interested in pageants and didn’t want anything to do with them.  STUPID COMMENT #2:  “But after a little bit of life-threating…of threatening our marriages…” (how many are there?  Or she just too stupid to know that marriage is singular even though it involves two people?) “…I really got him to like it!” she smiles and laughs.  Manipulative skank!  I bet his secret nickname is Cave-man.

In Rancho Cucamonga, California, the town with the best Taco Bell menu item name EVER, we meet mom Courtney who says, “I spend money to watch my daughter win money.”  Wouldn’t it just be time saving to hand her the cash?  That way it wouldn’t cut into your TV time.  Ten-year-old Kaylee is actually a very pretty little girl but is not convincing when she says she’s going to “kick butt this weekend.”  That only works if you’re a diva or just plain mean, and it’s clear you’re not.  Then she winks!  WTF?

Can I get you some Visine?

Courtney asks Kaylee how many stones are in her glitz dress and Kaylee thinks 100.  Courtney incorrectly corrects her and says that there are 143 stones in a gross of stones and she probably has 10 gross of stones on the dress.  You know what else is gross?  Her not knowing what a gross is. Also, how is she off just one?  How does someone come to that?  I mean, I could see you thinking well, it’s 12 times 12, so under pressure (on TV) you might just slide into “it’s 112 or it’s 120” or something but 143?  I bet when Courtney saw this she immediately slunk down on the sofa realizing her mistake.  I hope.

Courtney says, “If I stoned it, it would take me two weeks to do all the stonework on that,” and Kaylee winks at her mother.  Or is it a tick?  I mean, that seems like a weird time to wink, what with her mother talking about getting stoned.  Where are her Doritos?

They are a full-glitz family, meaning teeth, hair, tanning, nails, ka-jillion dollar dresses – so basically, her kid looks like someone else. Thank goodness Nana pays for half of this nonsense.  Sadly, her name is Jana, so Nana Jana it is!  Nana Jana tells us she also competed in sort-of beauty pageants, but most were related to rodeos and equestrian events, which I have to say raise my opinion of her since those are sports (unless she was a rodeo clown, then that’s just sad and crazy like the paintings).

But which one is Mary Wilson?

Courtney tells us she was Miss Globe America International and she represented the US in India, Malaysia, Turkey, France and Hong Kong, and for that I say cool – at least she got to travel and see other cultures and learn that there is a BIG world outside of regional pageants.

In Escondido, California, which looks like a really pretty city, we meet Peter Tork’s illegitimate son Darrick who just won’t calm down!

Am I wrong?

Mom Angela says her son is ready to “tackle the competition at Miss Royal Essence.”  Did you have to add the “Miss” part?  Acting like a typically autistic five-year-old, Darrick chooses to just spin around and around and around and around and around and somebody get me a bowl to puke in.

Get the Dramamine.

“Darrick has never one an official national title,” she admits.  Are there official national titles?  I’m confused because the pageant industry seems to hand out titles like f#cking candy corn at Halloween and the titles are just as sugary and useless as those candies.  “Always the groomsman, never the groom.”  The upside to this is he will probably never leave home and his florist shop is going to be verrrry successful.  Good one, Angela!

She says that people ask her all the time why she puts her son in the pageant and not her daughters.  Well, mostly because her daughters are even more spastic than Darrick, but also because she says her one daughter just wants the crown, she doesn’t want to go onstage.  Well, way to discipline and train your kids.  Who are running around your house like they own it, mostly because they do.

Oh my God, kill me now, do ANY of these kids ever calm down?

Angela says if the girls ever change their minds about being in pageants, she has “pageant shelves” in the closet for them.  To beat them with?  Why not get them out now?

Oh good, we’re back with that skanky ho Jillian who is pushing Olivia on the swing (not hard enough, she’s still on it!) and she’s telling Olivia to ask daddy for more money for pageants.  “DADDY!  GIVE US MORE MONEY FOR PAGEANTS!”  Dude, I’m telling you, divorce would be cheaper.  What is your manhood worth, douche?

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.  Oh, I’m sorry, I just now noticed the brick wall of the prison you are in.  Ironically, you put it up.

“Say, ‘Give us ALL your money for pageants!’” she tells Olivia to say.  Jillian, why don’t you get on your back and earn it like every other wife does?  STUPID COMMENT #3:  “I always think, do I do pageants, or do I put money in my 401(k)?” she says.  Oh, bitch, don’t even act like you work outside of the house, and $20 says you have a housekeeper and a nanny tucked away somewhere.

Jillian goes on to show us the new glitz dress they just bought on sale (it was originally $2400) and it’s yellow…to quote Oprah, “Yellow is for walls, not for wearing!”  She also talks about how expensive glitz photos are because this is “an expensive sport.”  No, polo is an expensive sport, what you do is mostly a hobby.

STUPID COMMENT #4:  “I don’t necessarily understand glitz photos even though I love them,” she says.  She says the photos are so photoshopped sometimes they will even put a different nose on a child.  Well, the important thing is your kid has the FULL PACKAGE in Fantasy Land.

Back in the somewhat normal world of Chimichungaland, we see OH MY GOD, what is Kaylee doing?  She has turned herself into a circle backwards and now looks like a fruit loop.

Hoooolllly shit.

Courtney says, “Kaylee’s talent is contortion.”  Is that really a talent or just something she could do at a side-show?  They get her routines from things she sees online, including, “Cir-ca day solay,” her mother says.  Jesus, even I know how to pronounce Cirque du Soleil correctly and I live in the Midwest!

Courtney continues to tell us that Kaylee was very flexible as a baby and could do lots of things with her body.  How did you know your baby was flexible, were you twisting her back and forth like a bendy straw?  Most babies can stick their feet in their mouths, I think that is part of their charm (I’m guessing), but how did you know she could balance on her neck while her feet curled backwards into her head?  Odd.

“Her coach says it’s almost like she doesn’t have a spine,” Courtney laughs.  No, I think that’s Jillian’s husband.  “You’ve got to show people what you’ve got and then you get a lot of money,” Kaylee says.  Oh, honey, if you only knew.

“I have a headache,” Kaylee tells her mother and Courtney says, “I know, you always get a bad headache when you do that.”  Don’t make me STUPID COMMENT you.  You know why she’s getting headaches? Because the human body probably shouldn’t be contorting in such a way that she’s squeezing the shit out of her spinal column.  Well, enjoy scoliosis, Deenie.

Back in Escondido, Darrick is sled-riding down a grassy hill in a cardboard box.  Too bad Angela doesn’t understand the helmet he’s wearing should probably cover his frontal lobe since that is what is going to get crushed first when he goes all Sonny Bono into a tree.

Angela tells us he is like any little boy, he loves sports like football and baseball and he does wear makeup onstage.  I know, one of those things is sooo not like the other.

Limitless paper in a paperless world.

Darrick’s “dad” Steve Carell says he teases Darrick about retiring and stopping doing pageants because he doesn’t want to see him 28 and going down the runway in a thong.  At least he’s honest about his fears.  Darrick freaks out and says pageants are for girls AND boys.  They really aren’t, but he’s little and needs to believe in things like Santa, the Easter Bunny, God, and don’t-ask-don’t-tell.

Back with Olivia, she’s walking around saying, “Everyday when I get to be the boss, then I’m the boss.”  Someone’s been picking up something from moooother.  “I rule this house,” she says, flipping her hair over her shoulder like her mother.

“When I say Olivia has the capability to manipulate us as parents, absolutely,” Jillian incomprehensibly says.  “It’s Olivia’s world and we all live in it.”  Oh, man, you are setting yourselves up for some very unhappy times, particularly during those teen years.

No, really, the glitter works for you.  *snicker*

We see typical footage of Olivia playing Daddy Diva and putting makeup on her dad and he admits that since he works in construction, he’ll probably be getting some crap about playing makeup with his daughter.  “But it’s worth it,” he says.  Look, most dads will do whatever for their daughters, that’s how the world rolls.  But what do you think the guys are going to say when they see how your wife has made a handbag out of your balls?  That should be the bigger concern.

Over in Burritoland, Kaylee is being fitted for a new flipper and Courtney tells her when she was little and competing in pageants, you weren’t allowed to wear flippers or fake hair.  You mean they judged you on how you actually looked?  Where’s the fun in that?

Courtney jokes about how much it costs then says she thinks it’s funny when parents say they are going to win their money back.  “You are NOT going to win your money back,” she says.  Wow, that may be the smartest thing any parent has ever said on this show!  I’m still not letting her slide on the gross/143 comment.

Kaylee ruins an otherwise perfect motto by saying, “You have to come full glitz, otherwise…you have to go home.”  I think it’s “Go Glitz or Go Home,” but whatever.  Then she does that wink thing and what the hell?  Pick your moments.  And don’t do that at church!

Darrick is at the salon to get his haircut, because what else is there?  He is a squirmy kid and I pity the poor woman who had to cut his hair.  She called him “interesting and squirmy” which is code for “I drew the short straw.”  Angela says she’s thought about having his brows waxed or threaded, but it’s hard to get him to hold still.  Try a Benadryl, they’re OTC!

Oh my God, STOP IT STOP IT STOOOOOP IT!

Back on the dude ranch, we see Kaylee, Courtney and Nana Jana grooming a horse.  Courtney says her mother won E.T.I. Corral Queen, whatever the hell that is (there seem to be a lot of Corrals…) which involves equestrian skills and facial beauty “for herself” Courtney clarifies, lest we believe the facial beauty if all about the horse, which it really should be.

Ironically, they should have brought this hair with them.

Kaylee does a good job keeping control of her horse – I’d like to see her gallop through the pageant halls for her talent versus wrecking her spine.

Darrick’s new tuxedo arrived and he’s pissed!  “A red one again?” he screeches.  He says the UPS man brought the wrong vest/tie combo.  I guess Brown didn’t do a damn thing for you today, did he, Darrick?  Also, you might double-check with your mother because I’m sure she’s the one who decided what BROWN WAS GOING TO BRING, not the poor UPS guy.  Diva!

Maybe the UPS guy has a daughter in the pageant!

Angela tosses him in the tux and it is about 50 sizes too big for him.  They really should get it tailored before the show but I have a feeling they will be going with the flow.  Meh.

Skank Ho and Olivia are at the tanning salon confusing the hell out of the spray-girl.  Jillian is demanding that Olivia be very dark so she looks good in her bright yellow dress, and says, “So we may have to do a couple of coats.”  She’s not a house, Jillian, Jesus.  She wants her “Six or seven tones darker than her natural skin tone.”  Why didn’t you just adopt an African kid like everyone else?

Olivia complains that the spray tan hurts so they practice with just spraying her with air.  Jillian should tell her that beauty hurts, especially for the victims of good looking mass murderers.  That should clarify everything.

I said, “GO GLITZ OR GO HOME!” and I mean it!

Pageant day!  Pageant Director Rita says it’s a family affair and her husband is the emcee.  We see footage of him telling everyone he has the pageant police outside and if the audience doesn’t cheer, he’s going to have them come in and write everyone a ticket!  Where the hell were they during Lisa Fulgham reign of terror/fraud?  Maybe she paid them off.

First is formal wear, then talent, then modeling (how is that different from formal wear?).  “It’s going to be tough,” Rita says.  “It’s going to be LONG,” I’m thinking.

Oh no!  It’s raining and some of the contestants have to walk OUTSIDE between their hotel and the competition.  That totally sucks, I know because my hair when it rains or is humid is a hideous mess.  I finally lacquered it back into a tight ponytail so I’d look halfway presentable but I ended up giving myself a migraine.  Beauty does hurt!

Olivia’s crying already.  “I’m hoping Olivia is going to do well today because she’s in a great mood and is really excited.”  Did you not hear her crying?  Then we see Olivia SCREAMING, “Mama START IT OVER!” while holding a phone that I’m guessing has a game on it.  If that’s her great mood…don’t make me even say it!

Hand me a belt and some duct tape.  I’ll put her in a good mood.

Jillian tells us their hair and makeup person is great, but this woman asks Olivia to stick out her tongue, she wipes a Q-tip on it then removes some schmutz from Olivia’s face.  First of all, gross, second of all, use some makeup remover, third…did I mention gross?  Unfortunately, she’s totally SLAMMED with other girls so she may not have the one-on-one attention they are used to getting from her, especially in the saliva department.

While getting her hair done Olivia whines and Jillian calls her “Punky” and then Olivia says, “Ouch.”  Brat.  Why didn’t they just slam a hairpiece on her head instead of teasing her hair sky high?

OH MY GOD!  Angela is dressing Darrick and he is squealing – for fun – at the top of his lungs.  It is like nails on a chalkboard and you know I’d be right next to these morons at the hotel.  Now he’s making noise and screaming and Angela admits he gets on her nerves.  Maybe it’s because he’s freaking ADD?

He keeps sticking his tongue out at her and I’m like, why doesn’t she hit his chin so he bites his tongue, that’s what I would do.  She says he’s running around breaking stuff in the hotel, then she puts mascara on him. Yeah, that’ll calm him down.  Dad smiles but you know what he’s thinking, “Please don’t be gay!  Please don’t be gay!”  She asks Steve Carell to get the Chapstick and lipgloss.  Yeah, he’s going to be gay.

One well-timed hit to the chin would stop this cold.

Pageant Judge Bonnie holds a finger up to tell us to wait for our turn to talk and to let us know she’s been judging pageants for 37 years…and I’m guessing those are actual miles.

Don’t interrupt me again or I will cut you.

She says she wants to see confidence, shoulders back, head up.  Don’t we all?  Then Judge Carol tells us she’s actually an AKC (American Kennel Club) judge and this is her first human pageant.  Same diff, just more sniffing of the butts.  And for God’s sake, don’t grab the kids’ nuts!

The kids would be easier to manage with choke chains, wouldn’t they Barbara Woodhouse?

Courtney is upset about the rain because of how it will affect Kaylee’s hair, and she’s upset that the normal hair and makeup people won’t be available this weekend so they are working with someone new (next time, plan ahead).  The makeup person is the same woman that did Olivia’s and she’s on the phone making plans to be with other kids while she’s doing Kaylee’s makeup.  I would ask for a discount.

“Huh?  Nothing…what’re you doin’?  I know…then she said to me and I said to him and I was all like I KNOW!”

This makeup artist had to leave and a new stylist came in to finish Kaylee’s hair, which is now huge.  It’s also boxy and not curled at all.  They fuzz out the new stylist’s face because she’s a complete bitch once Courtney asks her to tone down the hair.  In fact, she’s downright mean about teasing Kaylee’s hair and I personally would have stepped in a whooped her ass for making my kid cry, WHICH SHE TOTALLY DID!  I mean, be pissed but not at the kid.  Poor Kaylee had tears streaming down her face but kept up a strong front.  Wow.

You know, I don’t like kids, but I really wouldn’t purposely hurt one.  Except Darrick.  This is just cruel.

When everything was said and done, Kaylee was hurt and her hair looked awful.  Not just bad, not weather-puffy, just absolutely shitty.  It was dull, lifeless, and so gross-looking, I hope they did not pay that woman.  She took the life right out of what could have been nice hair.  Having said that, they really should consider slapping some hot rollers in that hair for the car ride over.

Nana Jana says the chaos in the dressing room “didn’t really work for our family” which is code for “bitch upset my granddaughter and we ain’t having none of it!”  Amen.  They made a plan to move into the dressing room adjacent to the ballroom and Courtney and her mother decide to finish what crazy hair lady started.  Kaylee is smiles now.

Really?  Not even the hemming tape you can IRON onto the pants? Smoooooooth.

Crisis over, the boys are up first.  The first couple of boys look like they are in an older age group but are very polished.  Darrick goes up and it’s clear they didn’t tailor the suit, he’s swimming in it.  He walks around a little but ONCE AGAIN someone didn’t read the fine print!  The formal wear section was 2 minutes but Darrick was only used to being onstage for 30 seconds.  So there is this awkward 90 second pause where nobody knows what to do.  Excellent.

Petite Miss is next, including Olivia who tries to grab the girl in front of her.  Her dad says, “Don’t touch,” and duh.  You know she was trying to pull that girl’s hair out.  Jillian is chattering nonsense about the competition and I just want her to put a sock in it.

I’d kill for this hair, but the dress matches the WALL behind her!

Olivia is onstage and she’s pretty cute.  Judge Bonnie rolls her tongue across her teeth, probably to get 1978’s lipstick off of them, and Jillian jumps around like a maniac.  She says she will make a fool of herself because they are there to have fun.  “And if that means some people don’t like what I do, well, that’s too bad,” she says.  Hmm…not getting along with the other mommies, Skank?

Oh, Mommy forgot to tell you, you’re having a root canal on Monday!

Now Olivia looks bored.  Jillian screams at the top of her lungs.  When she gets offstage, Jillian keeps saying she’s proud of Olivia over and over but then it seems like maybe she’s doing it for the cameras.  Ick.

Next up, Kaylee in her coral “gross of stones” dress, blinking wildly.  She looks a little plastic up there, not natural at all, and she keeps blinking.  It’s kind of creepy.  Then she says, “I felt so great” through her flipper and it’s totally weird.

RED RUM!  RED RUUUUM!

Talent is next and there is little to none of it – there’s our little Grease girl, strutting her stuff.  Looks like they are getting A LOT of use out of that costume.  Way to recycle!

Jillian says since most three-year-olds were singing or dancing, she wanted Olivia to stand out by doing a skit.  So she had her do a Wizard of Oz skit where Olivia is Dorothy and it works out great – in Bizarro World!  Turns out this was a little beyond Olivia’s comprehension and talent.  Let’s go to the tape…

Olivia gets onstage and stares at her mother who keeps motioning for her to come forward, come forward, COME FORWARD but she doesn’t.  Judge Bonnie, who is very judgmental, says there’s nothing worse than the rookie mistake of when a kid gets onstage and is looking for direction.  Plus, it’s boring.

Forget the sippy cup, did you bring a drool cup?  Because the wheels on this bus don’t go round and round.

Olivia stands there, looks around, we hear chirp, chirp, chirp and Jillian is going bat-shit trying to figure out where the on switch to her kid is and how she can subtly turn it on without the judges noticing, and finally Olivia blurts out, “totoihaveafulinwerenotinkahnsahsanymore.”  Thank God for closed-captioning  Everyone laughs because speaking in tongues while dressed like a manic-depressive who ended up committing suicide is hilarious.

Jillian says, “I wouldn’t say she’s the best trained in pageants, but she’s absolutely the cutest girl on the stage.”  I bet the AKC judge has seen dogs better trained.  Also, why don’t you withhold sex so you can get a coach?  Just a thought, but maybe you’re holding onto that gem to get a Mercedes?

My bad!  It does look like someone has been putting out.

STUPID COMMENT #5:  “I think I’m fabulous with the routines,” Jillian says, “just put me up there and give me the crown,” she finishes.  No shit!  That is what this whole thing is all about.  Are there any pageants for sad moms trying to justify their existence?  She would be perfect!  And the pageant directors could make a Fulgham Fortune on women like Jillian.

Olivia finishes and she was awful.  We see one of the judges says something, like “That was way too…” but I can’t tell the rest because she looks down, but she was shaking her head.  Awful?  Painful?  Long?  Boring?  That Olivia seemed to put two Hs in the word Kahn-sahs?

Oh, I didn’t care for that at all.  It there any bundt cake left?

“I think I rocked that stage,” Olivia says.  Really?  Because I’m pretty sure you just crumbled.

A slinky is fun for a girl AND a boy.

Next up, sideshow freak Kaylee who is much more comfortable on stage this time as she contorts all over the place.  You can even hear people moan when she does stuff just because it looks painful and is kind of creepy.  Creepier is her mother screaming, “WORK, MAMA, WORK!”  Ew.  That word can be so creepy when not used for an actual mother.  If some guy called me that…over.

Someone else’s talent must be goosing!

I do love her outfit, but the fact that some people were covering their eyes does not mean they were going nuts for you.  It means they found it unsettling.  Now that’s a talent.

Not really.

Okay, seriously?  Angela waited until TODAY to spray tan her kid?  How dumb is she?  Darrick is freaking out and whining like a little bitch and Angela says, “Just think of the big trophy!”  That should calm him down from getting hosed with chemicals.  It’s like the Selma march but with awards at the end!

Playing with electricity is fun!

Then he realizes it’s fun and tickles so he screams wildly while it’s being done.  The dizzying highs and devastating lows of the pageant world!

Judge AKC says Kaylee is doing very well and she’s been very well coached.  In the dog world, she’d be a perfect little bitch in heat!

Director Rita tells us that modeling is actually outfit of choice (which…why don’t they call it that?) and they can choose any type of modeling they want to do.  Nude?  Because aren’t we really almost at that point with some of these pageants?

And competing against Carmen Miranda?  Please!

Olivia is up in her western wear and Jillian is screaming bloody murder again.  She’s looking forward to the cowgirl routine because, “I made it up myself…it’s not exactly pageant-type, but I came up with my own moves and we’ll make the best of it.”  Olivia keeps looking back at the emcee, her mother…basically, she has no clue, she doesn’t have the routine down, and even I want to send them money for a coach because she SUUUUUCKS.

What an attention whore.  And ass!

Jillian says the pageants are exhausting because she does all the moves for Olivia but does them bigger – she doesn’t say better, but you know she thinks so.  If you have to do that, your kid stinks.  Olivia says she was “spicy and feisty.”  You were neither and I pronounced it with a long I, like NIGH-ther.

“She rocked it out but it wasn’t as good as it could have been,” Jillian says.  Doyee.  STUPID COMMENT #6:  “A quarter of a turn could be the different between a perfectly polished child and not.”  That doesn’t even make sense.

Finally!  Darrick is up next and he keeps screaming nonsense noises, he’s so unruly!  He does work it onstage and the mirrored glasses make it.  Then he does the robot and something his mother calls the “cromartie reach” which I believe is something Congressmen do in public bathrooms, just with fewer puka beads.

No, Angela, you have to wait until his tongue is sticking out!

Angela says she was happy and relieved when it was over, and she was glad the audience was laughing with him.  Sure they were.

Kaylee’s Outfit of Choice/Modeling routine is Candyman but her hair looks like she’s Queen Amadala with back-head horns.  Her hair looks awful – next time, please bring a hairpiece or hire a private stylist.

Kaylee gets onstage and bounces around, but unfortunately she just does her contortionist thing again and I think that should disqualify her.  This is Outfit of Choice/Modeling, not talent AGAIN.  She prances around and licks a lollipop and Judge Bonnie says her vote is with her right now.  I hope those two things weren’t related.  Blink!  Blink!

Because it was interesting the first time around?

Crowning!  Director Rita tells us what we already know:  Nobody goes home a loser, except for the morons who let TLC film them.  Jillian is doing her best to irritate the SHIT out of everyone at the pageant by dancing around and screaming WOO!  WOO!  WOO! Over and over again.  That would get so f#cking irritating.  She flips her hair and really works it for TLC.  Working it for your own reality show, Jillian?

Wouldn’t a mother like this annoy the shit out of you?  The answer is yes.

STUPID COMMENT #7:  “Olivia’s actually done perfect to her abilities what she’s been able to do,” Jillian once again incomprehensibly says.  It’s like she’s trying to be smart and instead it comes out “Don’t misunderestimate me.”  Dipshit!

Thank goodness she has other money-making talents.

“Olivia, look at mommy!” Jillian says, in front of everyone, “Are you beautiful?  Say ‘I’m beautiful!’”  God, play it up for the cameras much?  Can you even imagine with the other mothers are thinking and/or calling her?  Olivia interviews, “I’M GOING TO TAKE THAT CROWN!  CAUSE IT’S MINE!”  Not likely, deer-in-headlights.

Kaylee says, “I’m excited for crowning,” then she winks.  Please stop.  Please.  Also, do they make that dress in a big girl’s size?  Because I must have it for a wedding I’m going to soon.

Tiny Miss Division – Olivia’s group…hey, there’s Miss Margie!  She gets around bigtime, huh?  Olivia is not called, which means she pulled out for a higher title.  And here’s the best part…Jillian is excitedly explaining this to her group, quickly turns to make sure the camera is on her, then continues with her excitement.  Then she turns to Olivia and tells her that means she gets a bigger title, then she AGAIN turns to the camera to make sure it’s still on her, turns back to Olivia and again, I say what a sad little life she must lead that having this kind of attention is what she needs.  I bet she crashes and burns after this episode when NOT ONE CABLE CHANNEL calls her for her own show.  Tsk tsk.

She is, as the French say, “La whore d’attention.”

Men of Pageantry division and who is called…Not Darrick!  Steve Carell and Angela are totally confused as to what that means.  And if you had ANY BRAINS you would know that if he wasn’t called as a divisional winner, he pulls out for a higher title.  Jesus, don’t you read my recaps?  If you lose, you win!  It’s that simple!

Angela and her husband go back and forth about if Darrick didn’t win and they are having this whole conversation right in front of Darrick (who is sitting behind Angela) and she blurts out, “Don’t tell him!  I don’t want him to know!”  Then maybe YOU should know where your kid is, dumbass, he is RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

I’m sorry, are you not keeping track of your kid?  Isn’t that kind of an important part of the parenting job, particularly when they are pedophile bait?

Supreme titles…Master Supreme King…DARRICK!  He actually did win!  Shut the front door!  Angela cries because she’s tired and relieved and she needs a vacation oh-so-bad!

Don’t worry, honey, I have another ream of White Linen #10 in the car.

Novice Supreme…Olivia!  You have got to be kidding me, she sucked it.  Jillian is thrilled and the weird thing is she was up on stage with Olivia.  Wait, you don’t go up with her when she’s competing, but now that she’s won and is getting all the attention, you have to steal the limelight?  Just, wow.

Olivia, put your arm down, no one can see mommy!

To make it worse and to drive home the sad-sack point, Jillian interviews WITH OLIVIA’S CROWN ON that Olivia’s title is a great title, especially since the competition was fierce.  Well, thank God she wasn’t competing with you for attention, because you would have mopped the floor with her.

Grand Supreme for 6-9 is…Kaylee…which, wait…isn’t she 10?  DISQUALIFIED!  The Ultimate Grand Supreme winner is some Amazon with big boobs.  Go figure!  They really need to start cutting off the ages, how can the flat-chested kids compete with boobs?

Okay, you have to admit, she’s a sweetheart.  You have to because I physically can’t.

Nana Jana says she’s thrilled to see each girl in their family compete in these pageants and how much better they become with each generation, which is really nice.  I’m going to throw out a j’adore to Nana Jana.  J’ADORE!

Also, look who won the entire pageant.  Because that’s fair to the boobless kids.

Jillian interviews that being a pageant mom is extremely hard work, what with the manipulating of her husband, the barely-passable coaching she gives her daughter, and the incessant flipping of the hair.  She says this while we see footage of her wearing Olivia’s crown and putting on Olivia’s sash.

Then the kicker, STUPID COMMENT #GAZILLION:  “I’m jaded a little bit by the fact there is so much lying, gossiping and cheating in pageants, but that’s in life too.”  What happened that we didn’t see?  Did the other pageant moms call you a skanky bitch ho-bag who was hopped up on Red Bull and wouldn’t shut up?  Because maybe that’s just the truth.  But if you’re pretty, it doesn’t matter – you could even be a mass murderer and your looks will get you by.

Jillian is coming down off the high of winning the pageant.  IN HER MIND.

That’s it for this season, which totally bums me out.  I am setting out a challenge for TLC to up the bat-shit crazy and tantrums for next season.  Just try to find contestants who either have never seen your show or never faced the wrath of a recapper…those are the ones we need!
See you soon, Gasmii!