Toddlers and Tiaras: This Time, the Freaks Are Kind of Quiet

We’re back up north for this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras where there isn’t as much vicious and crazy as usual, but still a handful of hot mess and fear.  YAY!  Cheryl Williams is the director of the Darling Divas pageant, which we saw during another season (which I’m too lazy to look up).  Held in Brooklyn, New York, the pageant was designed to “let your inner diva shine,” which sort of does not make sense because divas rarely have innards that we need to see shine.  Usually divas are ugly bitches inside, I’m looking in your direction Lady Gaga, Mariah Carey, and Mother Theresa.

There are two mandatory competitions, beauty (duh) and outfit of choice, but the girls can also compete in “Living Doll,” where contestants dress up like the dolls they bring with them.  Too bad Eden isn’t competing in this with her EDEN DOLL!  I’m praying someone brings Sponge Bob!

Doesn’t this really sum up all pageant mothers?

Over in Henryville, Pennsylvania, we meet Kylie, age 3, whose mother says, “Does everyone bow down to Kylie?”  Oh brother!  Kylie also is too young to understand what an indoor voice is.  Mom Maria is wearing Kylie’s crown as she pretends to be Ultimate Supreme.  Well, I guess we don’t need a therapist to describe what’s going on here.

“My daughter is a show-stopper,” Maria says, followed by some heinous imitation of Eartha Kitt “RRRREOWWWW” with rocker fingers.  Oh, Maria, really.  Now everyone knows you lost your virginity at a Bon Jovi concert in the lawn seats under one of those heavy Mexican blankets.  Everyone.

Kylie does a lot of modeling in New York City and she loves it.  “She thinks her life is TV.  She thinks it’s always about her,” Maria says.  Gee, I wonder how that happened.  Maria says she likes her daughter’s confidence but she knows she’s “creating a monster.”  Please don’t do the recappers job, I will tell you that as we go along.

In the pageant hometown of Brooklyn, we meet Keanna, age 5, who is practicing on a street in front of Ugly Betty’s old house.  Mom Diana is hoping Keanna will take home a big crown, but then we find out this is her first beauty pageant.  At age 5?  Oh, she is waaay behind the other girls.  Enjoy having your ass handed to you.

Turns out Keanna wanted to model but apparently that leap was just too big for them, so they decided to start smaller and enter her in pageants.  Seems like it just would have been cheaper to get the head shots and some stamps to mail them, but okay.  The whole family is out on the front step watching/helping/basically being on TV for the sake of being on TV.  You know, you don’t get paid for this.

You don’t get paid scale just for showing up!

Dad Kenny, who between the condom-like cap (WHY, WHY do so many African American men think that looks good?) and the thick gold chains, looks like a keeper.  Well, he is still smarter than the previous week’s Ancient Chinese Hilljack, I guess, because at least he has the manners to say he think his daughter is going to win.

In Selden, New York, we meet our very odd family of the week, 8-year-old Liane and mom Mary.  These people remind me of that religious group where all the women wear those long braids down their backs and the jean skirts that flatter no one – not even someone on Little House.

Everything was fine until the figurines became self-aware.

Mary interviews in front of a wall of Crayola Flesh-colored figurines that Liana is going to bring “Long Island charm to Brooklyn.”  Hmm.  So many jokes, I’m not sure where to go first.  Charm?  At a beauty pageant.  Not as funny as “Long Island charm.”  Isn’t that just fist-fighting without the hair-pulling?

Speaking of hair, Liana has more than her share of Locks of Love.  Her hair is 42” long, which is almost as tall as she is, and I’m thinking the pageant circuit really isn’t going to like it unless she piles it high like a Marge Simpson beehive.  She says she can brush it and pull it under her arms like armpit hair.  Thanks, Mary Catherine Gallagher.

I bet Naomi Campbell would pray a lot for virgin hair.

Both of them interview while playing with their cat and it’s very strange.  Liana acts like the cat and does tricks.  This is very awkward.  Mom looks freaked when she barely whispers to us that Liana is well-behaved and well-groomed.  I was hoping for a skanky brat, but their oddball-ness is going to play out just fine.

Get me the f#ck outta here!

Oh, yay!  Miss Margie is back and badasser than ever!  She’s Keanna and Kylie’s coach and boy does she have some coaching to do with Keanna given this is her first pageant.  Her first rule of thumb?  “Moms, don’t you dare skimp on hair and makeup at pageants.”  Cha and Ching.  “Go with the best,” she says.  Or in this case, with Miss Margie.

Keanna is freaking out because she’s having her hair rolled and Miss Margie is enjoying the fact that they are all newbies.  She sprays Keanna in the eye with hairspray and dad Kenny gives Miss Margie a look of death.  Hope she carries mace on the way home, she’s going to need it!  Diana says they want to keep her a little girl.  Then you shouldn’t enter her into pageants and make her up like a whore!  Give her a doll and Veggie Tales and call it a day.

Despite the girly crowns behind me, I will cut a bitch if she sprays my daughter in the eyes with hairspray!

Miss Margie hones in on Keanna’s eyebrows.  “Cleanup on aisle six!” she says, several times until it loses all meaning.  “I don’t know what that means,” Keanna interviews later.  It means you have Abe Vigoda eyebrows and someone needs to chisel them off, but don’t worry, it’s all about the beauty.

Can you chisel off the hair tumor she seems to have grown?

Holy crap.  Back in Selden the figurines continue to plague us as Mary, a.k.a. Mama Cass tells us that Liana has won best dressed at pageants many times, but when we see her newest dress, I think those wins may have been at Amish pageants, because it looks like a flesh-colored (what is wrong with these people?) communion dress.  Translation:  Not glitz.  And you know the rules…go glitz or go home, bitches!

And this screams go home and crawl under the covers.

She takes the bag off the dress and it doesn’t get any better…the glitz and glamour is also flesh-colored or at least the same color as the dress (I realize it might be a nice color in person, but it is not coming through).  BORING!  And here it comes…Mama Cass says she bought the “shell” from a thrift store for $10 and will be making something with it.  Like a potato sack?  Somewhere in Dallas a pageant mother just shuddered for reasons unknown to her.

And where did she get the fabulously boring shine?  From a towel company that used the trim on towels but guess what?  They went out of business and Mama Cass cleaned up in aisle six of their trim department.  Holy shit, that girl is wearing out-of-business-towel glitz.  Another first for Toddlers & Tiaras.  By doing the “early bird special’ during the application, this pageant is only going to cost them $300-400.  Amateurs!

When “jazz hands” and “mime stuck in a box” collide.

Miss Margie is working with Kylie on her routine.  She tells her to walk “Faster…faster…faster…faster…” and gets the same response I get when I ask one of my dogs to drop the baby bird she clearly has in her mouth (the wings coming out of both sides of the dog’s mouth is a dead giveaway…dead being the key word)…”Drop it…drop it…drop it…drop it…drop it…fine, I will get the hand trowel and pry your mouth open.”

Maria says the one thing beginners make the biggest mistake with is not investing enough money to win the pageant.  You don’t know how right this is going to be, Maria.  Luckily, Miss Margie has helped them go from sometimes winning to almost always winning and they feel the money is worth it.  Well, can’t argue with results.

Kylie is going to be participating in the Living Doll competition as Sandy from Grease.  Good thinking – way to make a 3-year-old look like a girl who has decided to become the class tramp to get the guy.  Hott.  They even have the tight black pants and off-the-shoulder black top, which Maria made, along with the Michael Jackson outfit.  Because nothing says pageant like having your kid enveloped in Michael Jackson.

Miss Margie has moved on to help Keanna who clearly doesn’t understand the concept of people being paid by the hour.  Keanna is sitting on the steps, not wanting to practice, and Miss Margie finally has to count to three to get her to move her ass.  Does that still work?

Are those Keanna’s boobs?  Miss Margie has her work cut out for her!

Keanna doesn’t remember any of her routine but luckily they are only doing beauty and outfit of choice because this is Keanna’s first pageant and she doesn’t have a clue.  Adding a third competition is just going to blow her mind.  Miss Margie is a little frustrated with Keanna because you can see she’s used to dealing with girls who are “the full package and top of their game.”  Meaning, PAY ATTENTION!

Back over in Selden, which I have to admit, looks like a really nice little town, Mama Cass and Liana are watching TAPES of Miss Margie because it’s cheaper than the actual classes.  Well, I can’t blame them there, but damn, if you are going to get into a hobby, get into it and don’t do it half-assed.  I mean, I’m a woman who just put a goddamn skylight in my the new chicken coop I’m building for some fancy chickens…go glitz or go home isn’t just for pageants, people.

Dad Nino says as low-key as possible, that watching the videos saves a lot of money.  These people are having either no sex or hot kinky sex, because during they day they are sooo hummm drummm.  Liana is an adorable little girl and she does have good manners.  She’ll do well when she gets the scholarship to M.I.T.  I bet her mother can even sew a new preface in the old textbook so she doesn’t have to buy new (and we all know college textbooks are a bigger racket than pageants!).

Mama Cass says she sends Liana’s pictures to top agencies in New York every few months but never hears back.  “I can’t figure out what they are looking for,” she says.  Have you looked in a magazine since 1973, Mama Cass?  Have you considered getting a local agent first, then working your way up? Or do you still hand-crank your phone and ask Mabel to connect you to Long Island 4238?

“There’s plenty of local photographers who send me coupons and give me free 8 by 10s with a purchase, and I have the pictures taken there,” she says, and I have to give a shout-out to TLC for choosing soothing, dorky 1960s music to play in the background.  Really makes them seem like we are watching an episode of Bewitched.

Why, why, why do people waste time getting mani/pedis for three year olds?  They pick their noses!  Maria does tan Kylie but doesn’t do flippers (yet), eyelashes (yet), or fake tips (at first I thought she said fake nips, and that is one way to win a pageant).

You can participate, but no seeing eye dogs in the pageant!

Guess what Keanna got for the pageant?  A flipper!  She lost her teeth and they needed a flipper to fix her horrific deformity.  Diana admits that the family does help her out with the cost of the pageant and helps shell out almost $200 for teeth that will only work for a few months.  If I had a family member ask me for help buying teeth because they needed them – done.  Because they needed it for a pageant – f#ck that noise!

Pageant day!  Director Cheryl Williams says her pageant is different because “everyone gets an award.”  No, that means your pageants is EXACTLY like every other pageant and is part of the downfall of the America of yore (oh, I said yore) where competition was a good thing and losing built character.  Now, you are just acting like a lawnmower parent because God forbid your stupid-ass kid run into crab grass every once in awhile.  You know what dogs do when they run into crab grass (and my yard has a lot of it)?  They either eat it or pee on it.  Done and done!

The same lie is told in the back seat of numerous cars every year.

And – as many of you noticed from last week, one of the judges is that two-faced-back-stabbing-fraud-perpetrating-stealing-money-from-kids-velocirapting-whorebag-bitch Lisa Fulgham, the pageant director from the Trezured Dollz fiasco.  Nice weave, skank. I know some people mentioned that they thought TLC should have called her on the previous pageant, but I don’t think these are shown in the order they are filmed in, because I honestly believe TLC would have called her on it.  Or at least called the parents looking for her (I know I would have!).

Oh bitch, it is SO ON when the parents find you.

So Mama Cass and Liana show up at the pageant ready to go except totally not.  Mama Cass says it’s very expensive to have your hair and makeup done by a professional so she’s going to do it.  Enjoy losing!  And by the way, if you want a cheaper hobby, have you considered making Liana a Little Library Hero?  All you have to do is BORROW books from the library and read.  It’s inexpensive and probably much better in the long-term.

Mama Cass pours out all the makeup from the bag-o-makeup, then complains that the “demonstration product” looked different and she’s very confused.  Yes, because where, where, where could EYE MAKEUP possibly go?  Mama Cass interviews that pageants aren’t particularly stressful for her.  Probably because her pulse is 20 beats per minute and she’s barely awake.  Until she notices they forgot to give her the lipstick.

“I try to go with the flow,” Mama Cass says.  “I try not to have a useless emotion.”  What?!?!  You mean like happiness, sadness, enjoyment, pain and road rage?  Yes, those are totally useless.  Except that last one, it gets you places faster.

“They forgot to give us the lipstick,” she says.  I think you mentioned that.  She interviews that a useless emotion is carrying on or causing useless drama.  “They forgot to give us the lipstick,” she says.  I guess repetition really isn’t an emotion, so she’s got us by the balls here.  She continues her interview saying, “You know, saying ‘Woe is me’ or just not trying to help the situation.”

In the hallway, she’s apparently called a family meeting with grandma, dad and her clearly militia-membered (I said “membered”!) kids.  “They did not put the lipstick in the bag.  Or the lipgloss.  We’ll just have to make due with what we have,” she tells them as they all look on very seriously, as though she said that Liana is about to die and they are all going to have to get through it with their faith and a grief buffet.  It’s goddamn lipstick, send your dumbass husband to the nearest drugstore to pick up a few colors – don’t worry, if he keeps the receipt, he can return the unused ones for cash or credit.

Which means fewer chromosomes than the average human.

Keanna is starting to get nervous and so is Diana.  She figures Keanna has it in the bag…until she sees the competition.  Did you not know other cute girls were going to be here?  Pageant virgins.

Oh, and look who one of the judges is (sitting next to Lisa F!) – the Thin White Duke, Mykel.  Seems like he might have brought up the situation, so again, I think the timing of this show was before the one where Lisa stole ALL THE MONEY FROM THE PAGEANT for what I can only imagine was a very extensive Brazilian wax.

Up first, Kylie!  She looks like a mini-Eden and she’s very polished.  For a three-year-old, she kicks ass.  I don’t know a lot of adults that have that kind of confidence.  She blows a kiss and is on her way!

It’s an Eden doppelganger!

Maria says she’s definitely working her A-game and that she “ROCKED IT!  WOOO!” with the heavy metal bull-horn hands again.  “Mommy could not be prouder,” she tells Kylie.  Awww.  She’s nice and not crazy and says nice things to her daughter.  She is as useless to me as emotions are to Mama Cass.

No one should ever have to see their mother do this.

Keanna is ready to go next and Diana says she’s nervous and she gets that useless emotion of anxiety and fear for her child – she tears up because she says she wants to protect her daughter and she knows putting her onstage is really scary – for her and her daughter.  Okay, seriously, what an awesome mom.  She must be stressing so badly.

I will say I do think TLC worked this one a little one…Keanna is shown hanging onto the curtain for dear life and the emcee has to call her twice, but I get the feeling it wasn’t as dramatic as they made it seem.  Keanna walks out and does a pretty good job for her first time.  She looked confident and smiled and she looked naturally pretty – not made up like some of the other girls.  Good for you!  Mom and grandma cried.

Seriously, she lights up the stage.  Finally a pageant kid I can get behind!

Again, what is that Asian girl doing up there?  Get back to Harvard, you geek!

Liana is bragging that she has the longest hair of anyone there and she thinks it’s going to help her win.  I think it’s not.  Now here’s the thing, she’s adorable and will do fine in life.  In pageants, she’s going to get eaten alive.  She’s just too nice and too demure, and that dress would only work in a Mennonite wedding.  She is not glitz and glamour and pageant-y, she’s church-going pretty.  Ass?  Consider it handed to you.

She is absolutely angelic, which makes her circling the drain so much worse.

The best part?  Mama Cass is in the dressing room watching it on TV and the reception is circa 1979.  She says moms are supposed to stay backstage, but since NO OTHER MOM we’ve seen has done that, you think she’d buck the system and head out front, but bucking the system is probably not her Mama Cass’s vocabulary.  Too bad.  Just continue to play with those rabbit ears, not a euphemism.

Life in the fast lane.

Liana comes backstage and says two little girls and a mother in the front booed her and it hurt her feelings.  Seriously?  Who boos at a beauty pageant?  I thought it was just nasty under-the-breath muttering.  That is kind of mean especially for an adult.  They should have put security on them and bounced them out – all with crowns on their heads, of course.

Kylie is getting ready for outfit of choice and she’s in a bathing suit when her outfit of choice and routine was Michael Jackson.  How did Maria get that confused?  Miss Margie is like WTF?  It’s supposed to be Billie Jean and Maria’s like “I already handed in the music” and Miss Margie is like too freakin’ bad, change it.  So Maria switches her clothes and hair will Miss Margie takes care of business on the music, and it seems to me that this would have been worked out BEFORE they got there and that the swim suit shouldn’t have even been packed in the first place.  Doyee.

Keanna is now having a ton of fun and enjoying life.  Diana slams the flipper in her mouth and all is well in their world.  Phew!

Okay, one girl’s outfit of choice is chubby kid, not the best look.  Kylie gets onstage and does kind of a Billie Jean/Beat It Michael Jackson thing and the kid is great.  I’m not a fan of her whipping her hips towards the camera, ick, but she’s got some moves and everyone screams for her.  Kid is on.  Enjoy the Grand Supreme Cinnamon Buns with Icing!

Another girl’s outfit of choice is stupid girl with shopping bags and cell phone.  So basically, you’re Paris Hilton without the rash?  Keanna gets onstage and shimmies her shoulders but not in a sleazy way.  Diana says she missed a couple of things but to be honest, this kid has the best face – very beautiful and full of life.  She just has a great look.

Oh, no emotion!  Mama Cass is putting jazz boots on Liana and they are too big, so she stuffs a pencil in them.  Hope your bras all fit correctly, Liana!  Her outfit of choice is western wear, so why she’s wearing jazz boots is beyond me.  Mama Cass says they’ve been doing pageants for eight years so they are as experienced if not more than the other girls.  Actually, I think you did pageants for a year and have been repeating that same year eight times.

Liana does her western wear routine and looks cute – she’s pretty good but doesn’t have the polish an 8-year veteran would.  We see Mama Cass watching from backstage (alone – which should give her a good indication that NO ONE ELSE is staying backstage to watch) and the TV just hummmmmmms.  Maybe it’s the TLC camera screwing things up, haha!  Mama Cass plays with the rabbit ears, and not like on Sex in the City.

Liana says her family doesn’t scream and holler but she wishes they would.  That would require emotion and they do not have any.  If they were water, they’d be tepid, not even lukewarm.  “We don’t hoot and holler,” Mama Cass says.  Yes, you repress and acquiesce instead.

Living doll time!  Kill me now!  I love the way the emcee says the contestants need to bring a doll out then show the judges how they become that doll…do you mean inanimate and lifeless?  And holy crap!  Some tiny tot came out, tossed off her cape, and has Madonna cone boobies that she fondles!  And worse, some girl comes out dressed like Michael Jackson, grabs her crotch like there’s no tomorrow and writhes like she’s in child porn.  OH MY GOD.  This is horrifying.

OH

MY

GOD!

Kylie rocks it out, but after fondling rocket boobs and crotch hands, does it really matter?  No.

Liana is going onstage as disco Barbie or something.  Her mother says she makes friends easily and she does – they call her “long hair girl.”  How creative.

Liana goes onstage and her mother continues to play with the rabbit ears.  Judge Mykel says she is beautiful but her hair is very distracting, and it totally is – as she turns it just goes all over the place and you really watch that more than Liana.  It’s like Sigmund and the Sea Monster hair…you don’t really see anything but strands of stuff everywhere.

Mama Cass says she has no idea how Liana did because of the fuzzing of the TV, and it “slipped her mind” to ask her husband what he thought.  Welcome to married life both of you.

Time for crowning, thank God, this felt like a looong day.  Let’s cut to the chase and OMG Liana’s family is holding up SIGNS that read “We love Liana!”  God forbid you actually tell her you soulless zombies.  No sex is happening in that house, I’ve decided.

First up, Kylie’s division…remember, if you win, you lose and if you lose you win!  Turns out they are giving out hula bears to the girls who pull out (dirty!) and move on to the next stage – and Kylie does!  Awesome.

Next up, Keanna’s group.  And she pulls out too!  Heading for a grand supreme to sweep the pageant as a novice?

Liana’s group next.  Mama Cass says she made the signs to support Liana because in her family, “we don’t have any screamers, hooters or hollerers,” then adds, “I think that’s even illegal in some states.”  Yeah, if you count Utah as a state.  Who gets the hula bear?  Oh no, not Liana!  In fact, she wins Petite Court which is like the lowest of the low.  It’s sort of too bad and Liana looks really sad.  She absolutely is adorable and probably a great kid, but get her into a hobby that is less soul-crushing.

Wow, thanks for the passionless, emotionless non-support.

Pageant Director Cheryl interviews that the pageant court consists of girls who scored the lowest out of all the girls in the history of the world, but they want them to be recognized for scoring totally low and that’s why they are giving the smallest, lowest-height crowns ever in the history of pageants.  So, you suck but at least you sparkle sort of when you suck.  Now get out.

Mama Cass says she doesn’t know what the outcome means.  Really?  Because I’m pretty sure it means your horse lost.  On the upside, she’s actually a great kid and will probably be a rocket scientist someday, and I’ll be bringing her drinks (nothing alcoholic, don’t worry!).

Mama Cass says maybe things would have been different if she had employed a full-time coach.  Or you could have screamed in support of your kid.  Liana says she just wants to go home and go to sleep.  Way to fall into deep depression, Liana.  That won’t fly when you’re a Rhodes Scholar, just FYI.

Grand – mini – mini novice – and whatever else is left to award.  Supreme beauty?  Not our girls!  Novice Supreme (come on Keanna!)…KEANNA!  Oh my God, she pageant-virgined her way to a novice supreme crown.  “I’m going to do pageants for 10 more days and then I’m done,” Keanna says.  Wait, what?  Why 10 days?  Why is 10 the magic number?  And why quit while you are ahead?  Well, as long as you go out with a better ending than Seinfeld, I guess we’re good.

Well I’ll be damned.  And I probably will.

Mini-Supreme…will it be Kylie?  No!  Grand Supreme winner…not Kylie.  Wait, what?  How did she not win anything?  Maria holds it together by saying too loudly, “WHAT?!?!?!? WHAT?!?!?!” and Kylie uses her OUTDOOR VOICE (a.k.a. the ONLY ONE SHE HAS) and says, “I WANNA WIN GRAND SUPREME.”  Well, I’d like to shove a deep-dish supreme down your gullet to shut you up right now, but I may just need some chocolate.  No, I wanna shove.

No, really, shut the f#ck up.

Ultimate Grand Supreme winner…oh, so there is an even HIGHER crown for the highest scoring contestant today…it must be Kylie because the truth is, she did rock it out.  And the winner is…KYLIE!  She runs onstage and picks up the biggest crown and biggest teddy bear and $500 in cold hard cash and a printer (uh, thanks…Staples?) and she keeps screaming that she won the grand.  Yes, yes, now maybe we can get some quiet.

Jesus, how much coke did you win with the other prizes?

Also, how fun would it be to combine this show and I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant?  Then add in my guilty pleasure…I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant with a Beauty Queen and Now I Need an Intervention!  Pure gold.

Next week?  Screaming kids and rolling heads and what looks like hairspray huffing.  That kid’s walking on sunshine!