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Tuesday, February 22, 2011
4:00 pm
73 Comments
Finally! Back in the south where these clusterf#ck pageants belong! Pageant Co-Director Angie Pearson of “International Fresh Faces of Georgia,” a pageant title that makes NO sense, explains that Fresh Faces is one of the biggest pageant franchise pyramid schemes out there, and they are very proud of that. They actually do two different types of beauty pageants, natural and glitz, and this pageant is both rolled into one. However, they don’t want people to “overdo it.” Then you probably shouldn’t have glitz as part of the pageant, morons.
Finally! A pageant mom who showers!
In Canton, Georgia, former pageanteer mom Becky introduces us to Ashley-Noelle, two years old and blonde in a way NEITHER parent is. Ahem. Ashley-Noelle is a cute kid and her mother is one of the few pageant moms who looks like she might actually look in a mirror more than once a year.
Becky tells us that people in her church were wondering what she was doing putting her daughter in a glitz pageant. As a person who dislikes organized religion, religious wars, holiday churchgoers, zealots, Sunday school teachers, and judgmental Christians, I wonder why people in her church had any right to have any opinion about what this woman does with her daughter. That’s a recappers job!
Becky further infuriates me by trying to get her daughter to sing “Jesus Loves Me,” and poor little following lamb Ash-Noe says it’s because “the Bible tells me so!” Yeah, it also tells you a whole mess of crap that isn’t right, but whatever. You’re young and need something to believe in at this point. “You can love Jesus and you can love glitz,” Becky says. Was that in the Bible?
Then it might almost sort be true!
In Savannah, Georgia, we meet our hellion of the episode, three year old Lily. She loves slamming doors which I have to tell you was my forte growing up. Tattooed mom Ivy tells us that Lily is not your typical pageant girl. Well, she’s a spoiled brat who doesn’t listen to you, so yes she is. “I hate you!” Lily screams at her mother. She’s three. Imagine this trainwreck in about 10 years.
OMG, I hate my kid. Yeah, we do too.
Ivy tells us she’s only done about 10 pageants and won 2, including a “People’s Choice” award, which will all know what that means: Pity Award! “I kick ass!” she says. Wow, really? At three? Now dats klass!
Ivy tells us Lily is “rough around the edges” which is why she put her in pageants – to smooth the roughness out. You know what else does that? Discipline and a swift kick to her ass! Lily screams at the top of her lungs and I want to hold that pillow over her face until it stops!
Stuff a sock in her mouth, quick!
Over in Odom, Georgia, we see the words “Spoiled Brat” splashed across seven year old Victoria’s room as she counts to $103. “I like pink, money, pageants and winning,” Victoria tells us. Well, at least she’s got her humanitarian side down. And at first, I was like, “Where do they make pink money?”
Living out your dreams via your daughter. Yeah, we’ve seen this before.
Mom Sharon is a sad-sack who tells us she’ll do anything to help Victoria to win this pageant. Will you kill a competitor? Because that’s what it sounds like, Goodfella! Sharon says Victoria has completed 70 pageants and then says something interesting: “She’s probably lost 10 of them.” Why would you focus on the losses? I mean, wouldn’t you say she’s won 60 or won almost 90% or something along those lines? As we shall see, this is kind of how Sharon works.
Victoria says she loves being onstage because the lights shine on her – and ONLY her. Wow, the real world is going to depress the shit out of you. Sharon says Victoria has won five to six thousand dollars, which is about $85 a pageant. Excellent winnings considering her one pageant dress cost $1000. Math just never seems to be anyone’s strong suit in this series.
Making it rain on her bed. Practice for when she goes pro.
Back in Canton, Becky tells us that this is their first glitz pageant so they are going to “do lashes” and spray their tiny new child with chemicals to turn her brown. Becky will be doing Ash-Noe’s hair and makeup because, “That is something I think I am truly good at.” Uh-huh.
Ash-Noe’s dad David interviews that he’s often surprised when he sees these girls made up to look like they are teenagers. I’m surprised Becky hasn’t realized that David is GAY. I mean seriously, this guy is gay, right? Like totally gay. Someone with a gay-dar let me know. And I would totally hook him up with the other gay David I’ve recapped, they would make a great couple!
Yep. O-face, mastered!
And here we go…Becky tells us that, “There is nothing wrong with wearing makeup and fixing your hair to be the best that God created you to be.” Then she tells her daughter she might want her to wear those eyelashes every day. I guess God didn’t create your lashes to be as pretty as MOMMY wanted you to be.
Back in Savannah, Ivy tells us that they don’t spray tan because of “my ethnicity” – and at first I thought she said “bio-ethnicity” and I thought she was trying to go all green and sustainable on our asses. So instead of spray-tanning, Ivy takes Lily out and has her SUNBATHE because promoting skin cancer is so much better. Also, the sun is going to do the same thing as tanner, dumbass – make your kid look brown as a berry. God, people are so stupid.
Making sure you get BOTH the UVA and UVB rays…man, this would be so much easier with a rotisserie.
Ivy jumps on the God bandwagon and says it is more important for Lily to do well in the natural portion of the pageant because that’s what “God blesses you with.” Seriously, if you really believe in God that much, why not have her down at the local homeless shelter serving food and doing God’s work versus being in a beauty pageant that serves none?
In Odom, Victoria is having her hair cut at home for some reason and there is a crisis in the teeth department – and Victoria got $20 from the Tooth Fairy over the weekend for losing her front teeth. Quite a ways from my fifty cents per tooth back in the day! Man, I’m old.
However, out of context, this sounds really, really bad.
Now here’s the best part. Sharon says the way she pays for the pageants is by helping her husband in his septic tank business. Now I have to say, looking at their house, the septic tank business is full of it – money that is! They must be doing very well. Sadly, we have to see footage of Sharon digging through human excrement in someone’s yard. Does Mike Rowe and his Dirty Job staff know about you? Could be a crossover show!
And should you really be standing directly in front of that pipe?
“My daddy works in poop poop poop poop poop,” Victoria tells us. “Princesses don’t work in poop.” No, they just profit from it. Sharon says the other pageant moms freak out when she tells them what she does (wouldn’t everybody?) but she just sees dollar signs. Think about how disappointed she’s going to be when the pageanting is over but the stench isn’t.
Back in Canton, Becky is bedazzling a swimsuit because what else is there to do on a Saturday. She asks Ash-Noe if she’s going to tell everyone at church she helped her mommy turn her into a whore. She might have phrased it differently.
Oh, sure, dad David is straight. Which is why he is using the Sham-Brow™ to tame the eyebrows she got from him. She looks like he might slice her eye out if he’s not careful, but he’s kind of a pro. At this.
Please don’t blind me, gay daddy. Also, God hates you and it says so in the Bible. I think. There’s a lot of odd interpretation nowadays.
Becky says they want to teach her from a young age to be pretty. “You’re ultimately going to get married and have kids, and pageants are one way to teach her to dress well and do those things that her husband needs…that’s a need that a man has in his life. And I want my girls to give it to their husbands like I want to give it to my husband.”
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!
Oh. My. F#cking. God. I’m getting an ice cream MIGRAINE from everything comment/joke/scream that has just popped into my head.
Ivy, somehow the voice of reason, tells us they rent dresses for these pageants instead of buying them. Smart move. She asks Lily if she wants to try on her dress and Lily screams “NOOOOO!” and slams her door. If she were my kid, there’d be no door. And no mouth, because I’d have it duct taped SHUT.
Ivy says it’s Lily’s biggest pageant in her “career” because it’s a state pageant, so they’ve spent about $1000. “It’d be nice for her to win,” Ivy says. Lily screams. OMG shut the hell up.
Well duh.
Oh gross, Victoria is having fake nails attached to her toenails, which are totally gross and nasty. She says her feet “don’t stink,” but Sharon says Victoria actually bites her toenails. “My feet are NOT funky!” Victoria says. I bet your mouth is!
And yes there are. I can smell them through the recap.
Sharon says she hopes Victoria wins at the pageant and if she doesn’t, “She’ll probably be a brat.” Yeah, we’re going to see where she gets that in about 30 minutes. Victoria says when she loses she cries and throws her hairpiece off. Klassy!
And who is REALLY biting Victoria’s toenails?
Ash-Noe doesn’t really want to practice but Becky makes her every night before the pageant. Dad has to show her how to “shake her booty.” SHE’S TWO!
This I learned at the Manhole in Vegas. Don’t tell mommy.
Keeping with the dumb stereotype, Becky says, “I am white girl through and through and he dances, so he just has to do swimsuit, he’s good at that.” Seriously, WTF? David’s white, isn’t he? I mean, I cannot imagine a “through and through” white girl who spends way too much time caring what church folk think would marry someone with…tainted non-white blood. So where did he get those moves? WHERE? I’m guessing South Beach.
Ivy is trying to get Lily to practice because she doesn’t have a coach. Why waste the money at this point, right? Lily runs screaming through the house and not practicing. In fact, her brother does a better job finding the Xs Ivy’s put down for her. Poor kid just wants to be loved!
Practicing her slutty Little Miss Sunshine routine.
Sharon is running Victoria through pageant boot camp and she’s a total hard ass. She drills her and yells and drills and yells – quality time. Victoria tells us it wasn’t a good practice. Thanks, Captain Obvious.
Your grade on this assignment is an “F.”
Pageant day! In the huge metropolitan city of Perry, Georgia, population: Pageant girls. Turns out Lily is “falling back” into the two year old group because of when her birthday falls, so she’ll be competing with Ash-Noe. I hope they have to cage-fight at some point because it would be so cool to see two little girls in cupcake dresses ripping the shit out of each other. Big money’s on Lily.
Victoria’s flipper has shown up and it’s a winner! You’d never know she was a seven year old now! Mom Sharon checks Victoria’s mouth like she’s checking a horse.
“Niiiiiiieeeeghhh!”
Ivy slams pixie sticks down Lily’s gullet to help her wake up. When she finds out it’s almost 8 o’clock, she swears and we find out where Lily gets her potty mouth. Ivy tells us how they have to change from one outfit to another to another…yeah, not our first pageant, honey.
Ash-Noe is getting ready and Becky says she’s worried about the tone-down glitz and what they should do. How about toning it down? Do I have to draw a picture for you? She asks to see Ash-Noe’s “stinkies” and for a split second I thought we were going to see that kid’s bum. But no, she’s talking about her feet. If she had said “funkies,” I would have expected Victoria to show up.
Becky is very confident that Ash-Noe is going to do well, and she and gay David are pretty calm for pageant parents.
Cute, but clearly she doesn’t have either of her parents’ genes.
CRISIS! Lily has to go potty! POTTY! Duh, don’t you take care of this before you get down there? Ivy rushes her to the bathroom wondering if they take off points for being late. THEY DO. Sure enough, they call Lily’s name and she’s too busy whizzing up a storm to get onstage.
What do you expect after a night of binge drinking?
Finally, she’s back and Ivy tries to take her onstage. Lily throws a fit, pulls her mother back offstage and basically needs to be sent home. One of the pageant helpers takes her hand and Lily gets onstage, that has to hurt, doesn’t it Ivy? I will say I kinda love the pageant helper’s dress, it’s very cute and fluffy. Lily does a “good job” according to her mom.
F#ck this noise.
“I was surprised she did so well with a stranger.” Oy vey, did you not teach her stranger danger? Of course not. Now don’t blame us when the Amber Alert doesn’t work because your kid went willingly with whatever pedophile you forgot to tell her to avoid.
Can she be my new mommy?
Ash-Noe is up and Becky goes onstage with her. The weird thing is that Becky gives her all the instructions onstage very loudly and it seems to me that she might want to tone it down – otherwise doesn’t it sort of look like Ash-Noe isn’t prepared? It’s almost like she’s trying hard to be the one who is noticed.
Sit! Speak! Lie down! Rollover! Play dead!
Sharon is worried because Victoria hasn’t competed in a natural AND glitz pageant on the same day, and I sort of agree with Sharon here – it really doesn’t make sense. Those are two radically different types of mindsets…the glitz girls won’t want to go natural and the natural girls don’t want to tart it up. What an odd combo.
So, uh…no shower?
To add fuel to the fire, Victoria is all pissy about her hair because they put the headband in FRONT of her ears. You know what, I’d be pissy too. How far out do they think her ears are going to splay out? They call her Dumbo and she pouts even more.
Mocking children is fun!
Sharon asks Victoria practice but she’s having none of it. She tells her mother she doesn’t want to practice or go onstage. Sharon is worried that her attitude is going to come through and yep, I’m with her there. Victoria has a meltdown and cries into her mother’s shoulder. Don’t mess up the makeup you don’t have on!
Am I a clown? Do I AMUSE you?
Victoria goes onstage and does a pretty good job. She’s cute, the dress is very pretty and low-key, and basically she performed like the trained poodle she is. Arf!
I’m outta here!
Back in God’s country, Becky and Dan are telling Ash-Noe to put her hands on her butt and shake it like she means it. Oh, she will. For her husband, like she’s supposed to. Amen.
Becky put the eyelashes on Ash-Noe but manages to get glue in one eye and Ash-Noe freaks and loses it like most of us would. Too bad God didn’t give you better lashes. Maybe mom can blind you with Latisse next time.
I knew you guys were trying to blind me!
Lily is in her room attempting to scarf down a doughnut then drops it on the floor. Ivy is mad because Lily’s lipstick has come off. Maybe you could reapply like the rest of us do after chomping down a glazed piece of heaven.
Here’s how to grind, baby!
Ivy screams her way up to the stage and she goes on the stage with helper pageant girl…except she ran all over the stage, off the stage, in front of the judges and around the room before they catch her. Brat. Finally she gets onstage like she is supposed to and does her little dance. Poor pageant helper.
The greased pig has been caught!
Ash-Noe is going onstage with her dad and Becky reminds him to make sure Ash-Noe’s hands are “on her butt.”
Stop teasing the emcee, dad!
Becky tries to put Ash-Noe’s hands on her butt then Ash-Noe I guess touches a naughty part and her mother says, “Don’t touch that.” Save that for your husband since it’s going to be YOUR JOB. Then she takes her onstage – so confusing! – as dad bounces around, touches his butt and blows kisses. I bet that’s not the only thing he blows, boo-ya! I know, too easy.
Jesus tells me this ain’t right.
Victoria is getting ready to go onstage for the swimsuit category but wants to piggyback her brother instead. Sharon tells her to calm down, Victoria tells her mother to get off of him, and then TLC edits to a shot of her brother and it looks like he’s the only one getting off on something and people, it just ain’t right!
I’m gonna get me some of that! And that over there! And that!
CRISIS! Victoria’s flipper is about to fall out as she’s about to go onstage! NO! They toss her onstage anyway and she dances all around and holds the flipper in. Wow, that was a close one not at all! Okay, she does scrunch her nose up a little, probably from trying to hold it in a little. The flipper, that is.
New judges are up because natural judges and glitz judges are given separate but equal judging capabilities, just not at the same time. Ah, Georgia, will you ever let it go?
Lily is getting ready and they wake her from her nap by giving her soda. Good thinking, because she really is a low-key kid.
And after this let’s hit the blue plate special.
Ash-Noe screams that she has to go potty and Becky tells her that it’s okay because she has a pull-up on. At first I had no clue what she meant, but then she informs us that after potty training their daughter, they are going to let her pee in her pull-up right now because the dress is too fluffy and difficult to get on and off in a timely manner. So instead, she gets to go onstage smelling of and bathing in her own urine. Now that’s dedication.
No, she’s figuring out the square root of Pi.
Dad asks what his sweet girl is doing and as Ash-Noe stands there stoically, Becky tells him the horrible truth of the pull-up.
Now I’m not sure if this was just an editing trick, but Ivy and Lily ask if they can sit down and then we see Becky whispering that she doesn’t think “that three year old” is pretty, she’s better natural and that Ash-Noe is prettier than that girl. Then Ivy interviews that she hates the moms who are snooty. So I’m not sure if that really happened the way they showed or if it was edited together in such a way that we think Becky is talking about Lily. But again, what do I care, Lily is a brat.
Lily is up first and I don’t know, I think she does an okay job. She doesn’t seem to have a lot of energy at first, then she bounces around, but she doesn’t smile enough in my opinion. But I’m not a judge! I’m just judge-y.
When did Rosie Perez get her and what is the quickest route to the exit?
Ash-Noe is up next and mom bosses her all over the stage…seriously, I wonder if she got points taken off for this. David says the other girls were more animated than Ash-Noe and they should work on that while Becky says she wouldn’t have done anything differently. Ah, the united front of parenting.
Wow, I feel really…damp!
Victoria is up for her glitz portion and her hair isn’t any bigger than before but thank God there’s no headband. She looks cute but she continues to scrunch up her nose and she doesn’t really have a lot of personality or shine onstage. She gets offstage and immediately holds her hand out for money. Whore. Mom takes her to the craps table and buys her crap. Performing for money is now solidified in her mind!
There really are two Americas.
CROWNING! Finally. Titles are given for natural beauty then glitz beauty for every single age group. This is going to take freakin’ forever, someone get me a drink.
Swimwear…1st alternate…not our girls…Swimwear Winner…LILY! Becky is not pleased. Natural Photogenic…Ash-Noe! Becky is happy because “I took the pictures.” Yes, again, it’s all about YOU. Best Eyes…Ash-Noe…Best Smile…Lily! Best Personality…Lily! Wow, maybe we won’t be here too late! Or the emcee has eyed David and wants to catch up with him at the bar later…
State Most Beautiful Winner…Lily! Natural Fresh-Face portion…4th Alternate…Ash-Noe! Oh crap! Second Alternate in natural beauty…Lily! The winner of this category is a child with the unfortunate name of Paisley. Moms, that never stays in style!
Jesus tells me to love you but I really don’t.
Glitz awards…4th Alternate…Ash-Noe! Ouch. Becky is not happy and says it’s hard as a mother to find out your kid is heinously ugly by pageant standards. Again, I may be paraphrasing. Glitz Winner…of the $200 savings bond is Lily! Wow! So well worth the $1000 they spent! To add insult to Becky’s injury, that stupid little brat Lily is shown throwing her crown on the floor.
Jesus is really standing on my last nerve with a stiletto heel, isn’t he?
Becky is pissed. “The little girl who won was kind of running around everywhere…maybe that’s what they were looking for,” she says, about to cry, I think. Tell us the best part, Becky.
“One day I want her to be able to walk up to a stranger and be able to tell them about Christ,” she says. And as that stranger, I’ll be able to slam the door right in her face to tell her about Mr. I-don’t-give-a-shit. Then David walks into a window as they leave.
And thanks to the blue screen of death, I now have to re-write all of Victoria’s category wins and losses. Excellent. I am SO pleased.
So, first award…Swimwear…not Victoria. First alternate in Swimwear…Victoria! Sharon makes a stinky face and barely claps.
CRAP! I’m gonna have to clean more CRAP!
Natural Photogenic…not Victoria. Best Smile…Victoria! Which Sharon says she “expected.” Bitch. Fresh-Face Natural Portion…1st alternate…not Victoria…Queen…Victoria! YAY! Mom blinks and doesn’t clap. A friend says, “Smile, Sharon” but we are waaay past that.
Oh, unclench.
“I guess I need to kinda be proud,” she says, admitting that basically the judges told her she has a naturally pretty daughter. Ya think? And Sharon, you in fact look kind of oily and really, really, really ugly, especially on the inside, right now.
Mommy’s gonna beat me for being naturally pretty!
Glitz beauty…2nd alternate…Victoria! Sharon is not pleased and can barely bring her hands together. “We ain’t never got no second place for glitz,” she snarls at her friend. And thank you for taking the hilljack onus off of the state of Ohio from last week and putting it squarely on the shoulders of Georgia.
The face that launched a thousand Titanics.
But wait! There’s more! The emcee begs people to stick around for the Grand Supreme title with pickled pigs feet. Victoria is one of the girls called to the stage and Sharon regains consciousness. Not for long.
Grand Supreme Winner? Not Victoria. Sharon’s mouth drops wide open. “I’m not quite sure what happened at this pageant,” she says. Okay, let me bring you up to speed. Victoria lost the top title. Are you with me now?
You can actually hear the rickety scaffolding of her dreams crashing to the ground in this picture.
“I just don’t see how that little girl won that,” she says. Uh, because she has – say it with me now – THE WHOLE PACKAGE. And honestly, she’s kind of cute and I bet she’s not ugly on the inside. And Sharon proves my point:
“The reason her daughter won is because she probably knew the judges,” Sharon mumbles. She then interviews, “If I knew the judges then Victoria would be winning all the time, probably.” Yeah, it has nothing to do with the other girl being better or prettier or more prepared, it’s because she cheated and you have absolutely no proof. Sharon, thank you for showing what an ignorant, illiterate hilljack dumbass bitch you truly are. Your soul must be black tar. I hope on the way to the parking lot, you bump into Becky and Ash-Noe and she can tell you all about Christ. It would serve you both right.
Screw you, paparazzi!
Sharon continues to spat that she doesn’t think Victoria is judged fairly (no reason given). Victoria puts her hand up to the TLC cameras and screams “Go away!” and she buries her crying face in her mother’s fat shoulder. “She just whooped everybody’s butt,” Sharon incomprehensively interviews. Thanks, Deliverance. Jesus doesn’t love you and I bet somewhere the Bible says that too!
And just so I’m clear, the baby weight NEVER comes off?
Next week? Season finale! Say it ain’t so, TLC!
TV Social
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73 Comments
Crabby, I haven’t read the recap yet, but guess who had a double page spread in last week’s “In Touch” (don’t judge!!)….none other than Mackenzie!! She has started kindergarten (prayers for that teacher) and Juana says after seeing herself on TV, her behavior has improved, and she has almost given up the NI-NI!!! Juana gave birth to a baby girl named Natalie.
Beautiful recap as always, DearCrabby – the real excitement came the very moment Lily let out a shriek and began whirling like a dervish, cause I knew you’d have at least one Krazy Kid to work with. The parents can always be counted on to horrify…(‘cepting for Isabella’s mom from last week!).
DearCrabby…I normally love your work, and I understand there is a fair percentage of people who aren’t Christian, but I think you went a little overboard on your hate for believers and the Bible this week. It was disappointing.
Loved the recap! Only thing missing was a pic of the kids in the background during crowning who were devouring (lovingly) some interestingly shaped goodies. PC? No. A gift to be appreciated from the editors? uh-huh.
I hope that Victoria and Sharon are on again because I really want to know more about the conspiracy against the Poopie Princess.
The moment Ashley-Noelle’s daddy entered the room my gaydar, which isn’t at expert level, went off. Then, when Mommy started in on all the Jesus talk, things fell into place: religious closet case. Poor guy, having to pretend he’s turned on by Becky. They sure have high hopes for the future of their daughter. Whorin’ fer Jesus. Who cares if she wants to pursue a higher education? As long as she slaps on that makeup and services her husband, God will bless her.
I think Victoria is going to have to carry on the family shit-slingin’ business because she’s not particularly pretty or talented. Actually, not many of the featured ones are. I spied lots of much cuter little girls in the background and none of them were up for any grand master supreme wizard titles. Victoria’s ingrate mother ought to be happy the judges gave her kid anything. Best Smile, when she was gritting her teeth in a grotesque grimace to keep the damn flippers in? I thought the same thing, that the shit-slingin’ biz must be pretty lucrative. I was really envious of the huge grounds they had. If I were Victoria, I’d rather spend my time riding a pony or playing with dogs on all that land instead of practicing lame routines with my delusional mother for some dumb pageant.
I don’t really care if the parents are stupid enough to waste a ton of money on these ridiculous pageants, but I do feel for the kids who could be doing something more valuable with their young lives. Most of these girls are not going to grow up to be physically beautiful (just look at their parents), and they need to learn that there is more to contribute to the world than prettiness.
I don’t watch this show ever (it would probably make me break my tv) and don’t usually read this recap, but I’m glad I stopped by. You had me laughing out loud multiple times. These shows really are like dog shows, aren’t they?
Cattyfan, I get where you’re coming from, but personally I didn’t really feel that Crabby was so much hating on all believers as hating on narrow minded hypocrites who use their supposed beliefs to justify their narrow minded hypocricy. Even when I was a believer myself (I’m now an agnostic with respect for people who live their faith genuinely) I couldn’t stand people like Becky. I know that makes me judgy, but I’m comfortable with that…
Lizbet…For the most part, what you say is true in terms of how DC handled the recap…until you read lines like, “Ash-Noe says it’s because “the Bible tells me so!” Yeah, it also tells you a whole mess of crap that isn’t right, but whatever.” That is straight up nastiness about the Bible, and is an unnecessary insult to people who Believe.
I don’t want to get into an argument, because I know there are people on all parts of the spectrum of belief and religion, and I agree there are too many people who mangle what the their religion says and use it to justify or support whatever they’re doing regardless of how outrageous or disgusting. But I just think comments like the one I mentioned are, for me, crossing a line because it had nothing to do with the recap or the people…it was just an insult.
I’m with catty on this one. Did it ever occur to you Crabby that Becky was cringe-worthy even to us “horrible” Christians? You’ve got some issues to resolve with organized religion. They’re not all bad; it depends on what you make of them. You’ve decided to make us all stupid and ignorant, and that’s okay; you’re entitled to your narrow-minded opinion, I guess. But don’t ever accuse a Christian of hypocrisy when you seem to suffer from the same condition.
And just for the record, I thought Becky was absolutely creepy. I really wanted to reach through the television when she portrayed the Christian woman as a slave to her man. Who does she think she is, Donna Reed? But, if it’s any consolation, with all the mixed signals she’s receiving, AshNoe will probably hate Christianity as much as you do when she gets older. I just wish you weren’t so bigoted, because I love your recaps. We’re not all Bible-thumpers.
I think Crabby is a gifted writer with a strong point of view. You don’t have to always agree with her to appreciate her skill (and snark), and I’m grateful that we have these forums that we can state our own points of view as well. I personally don’t want Crabby to change her approach or point of view, as I think she’s hilarious. Good satire whould cross the line and occasionally offend, and let’s face it…a steady diet of this show will warp your perspective! Keep up the great work Crabby!
I’m not a believer myself, but I will say that if believers do find people such as the pageant mom on this week’s episode cringeworthy, then call her out publicly for it. You can hardly blame others for thinking she’s a fool representing foolish tenets if the more reasonable believers don’t speak out against such behavior.
All Muslims are not going to bomb our cities but a certain faction of them will–do the less extremist Muslims sit silently while the bombers do their work? No, they call them out publicly and remind the general public that they do not support such drastic behaviors.
Just to beat the point to death, I think this quote from the recap should make the point moot of DearCrabby being biased against Christianity, when she wrote:
“Seriously, if you really believe in God that much, why not have her down at the local homeless shelter serving food and doing God’s work versus being in a beauty pageant that serves none?”
Stupidity is the most powerful force in our universe. It easily transcends race, creed, and socio-economic status. It might be the only force that can escape the gravitational pull of a black hole. High-energy experiments at the large hadron collider recently discovered stupiditrons at the very basest levels of matter. Theroretical physicists have not, however, found that stupiditrons are present to any greater or lesser degree in Catholics, Jews, Muslims, or whatever the hell Madonna is.
thiajok… So they do some pageant nonsense on the weekends. Big deal. That doesn’t preclude doing some kind of charity work at other times. But it isn’t likely the producers would include it in the show since it has nothing to do with pageants.
I’m with Crabby on this one. As soon as you start throwing your religion around or shoving it in my face (no matter what denomination), expect to get it flung back at you.
I also wonder if you would be offended if she said that the Hatha Yoga Pradipika, Qur’an, Kojiki, Book of Shadows or Pyramid Texts were wrong. I’m sure you would be nodding your head in agreement with her then.
But back to the show….. I can’t watch this anymore because of the absolute ignorance and self delusion exhibitied by some of the parents, but I wouldn’t miss a recap for the world. Hey! Maybe we can start a charity to get these women some parenting classes.
Ooh boy, a religiodiocy hootenanny? How’d I’d miss this one? Got to read the recap. Save me a seat, ‘k? BRB!
Myself, my husband and my three children (but not the cats or the dog) are involved in our Church and many of its’ ministries and I think Crabby is hilarious. I’m not offended at all. If you are offended then maybe some of the comments brought some insecurities to surface.
My 14yo daughter and I tape this (her bedtime is 9:00 and it is on from 9-10) and watch it together the next day. We find it highly amusing. I’ve promised her that if she can find a pageant with an entry of under $200 I’ll put her in it but all the outfits have to come from Goodwill or Family Thrift.
Poor A-N. Her mom is a nutcase. My 15yo son wandered through while dd and I were watching and said that if AN won some money maybe Becky could afford a shirt with TWO sleeves. The boy has no appreciation of mom-on-stage style.
DD (dear daughter) thinks Becky suffers from “not a good enough name for a pageant winner” syndrome. I’m surprised she hasn’t changed it to Bekkeigh.
I think the parents on this show are now much more aware of how they will be portrayed and there is a lot of posturing and gritted smiling so they won’t look so bad on camera. And yet they still manage to look pretty bad, not badly pretty (a mangled reference to Wicked for anyone who saw it.)
“DD (dear daughter) thinks Becky suffers from “not a good enough name for a pageant winner” syndrome. I’m surprised she hasn’t changed it to Bekkeigh.”
Excellent point. Alternative spellings do seem to give a girl the edge. Maybe I should change to katteephan.
To continue to beat this horse to death:
Cattyfan said, “Yeah, it also tells you a whole mess of crap that isn’t right, but whatever.” That is straight up nastiness about the Bible, and is an unnecessary insult to people who Believe.”
To be fair, Crabby didn’t say that the ENTIRE Bible is full of crap that isn’t right. I’m sure there is a “mess of crap” in the Bible that you don’t think is “right.”
None of the theological hijacking of the comments can alter the fact that we read the Recaps by and for ALL of the Gasmii because we know what a trainwreck these shows are and we revel in the levels of hypocrisy and sheet stupidity they reveal. The recappers also bring their own sense of satire and it is welcomed. And NONE of it should be taken seriously..
Don’t ever change, Crabby. Loved the recap.
Let’s all have some more pixie sticks and shake our booties!
“DD (dear daughter) thinks Becky suffers from “not a good enough name for a pageant winner” syndrome. I’m surprised she hasn’t changed it to Bekkeigh.”……Too f’ing funny!!!!!!!
Like many people who thought the title of this pageant was a bit dumb to say the least, I googled and found that is seems to be a state pageant that leads onto an ‘international’ final. According to the site there are contestants from outside of the usa so international would be an accepetable title, still why not just Fresh Faces Georgia for the state? http://www.internationalfreshfaces.com
As for Ashkey-Noel peeing in her pull up’s, I thought this was one of the worst and saddest things I have seen on this show, and 95% of this show is terrible.
“Let’s all have some more pixie sticks and shake our booties!”
Hi…my name is cattyfan. And I…I’m a pixie stick addict.
I’m just waiting for Itchy to weigh in. It’s bound to be good.
IFF is owned and run by one of the biggest pageant gurus around, Michael Booth (google him, it’s funnny)
Love the recap Crabby!! Lets hope the stranger that Ash-Noe goes up to to tell about Jesus isn’t offering her candy and a confy seat in his conversion van!! My gaydar is pretty strong and was sounding off like my car alarm when David came on screen! At least I truly hope he’s gay otherwise he’s just a creeper!
Sharon needs to stick to her day job as shit scraper and leave the parenting up to the nanny that she probably afford!
I also was so upset about Angelo’s loss. However, he has amassed a huge fan base and much good will from his two Top Chef appearances that I believe will help him tremendously in the future. Contrast that with Stephanie Izard, winner of Season 4, or Hoser from Season 5. I have never heard anything about either one after their season. It seems that some chefs have the ability to use the attention from the show, and others waste the opportunity. Angelo is obviously building up his business and I hope to get the chance to go to a restaurant of his in the future. So, while the outcome was sad, I think that Angelo’s reputation has been enhanced by the show. Now I just hope that the lovable Beaker settles down and thrills us with a win. In a preview of tonight’s show, Blaze accuses Pigshit of stealing his dish and calls it plagiarism. I hope that means Pigshit will be gone.
Don’t know how I did that…a Top Chef comment here, my apologies.
I have never watched T&T but never miss the recap. Dear Crabby has some of the best snark in the business! I knew the ship would hit the sand with the comments three paragraphs into this recap. DC knows just the right buttons to push to piss somebody off and at the same time have me bust out laughing. Nice job!!!
Hah, Dear Crabby pretty much captured my sentiments, so no need to stir the septic tank…
Although, I must say, it seems a bit misguided to look toward reality television, and especially a web site devoted to laughing at reality television, for respectfulness toward religions. I’m pretty sure the Official American Idol forum site is the place you want to be for that.
And the bible’s just a book. Probably the greatest novel ever written, I’ll give it that. Makes a hell of a lot of noise when you thump on it too. But there’s a reason why they warned against worshipping idols.
And yeah, there’s just something unseemly about prostituting your child for a beauty pageant AND ranting about jeebus at the same time.
LOL @ Fan-Ann. It happens to us all eventually.
Thanks thiajok, that’s what I get for attempting to comment while on codeine. And DearCrabby I always love your recaps about this insane show.
The codeine always happens to us all eventually. Or valium. Or margaritas. Etc.
I’m okay with it because Jesus changed water into wine and withered a fig tree–to me, this indicates approval of intoxicants. Why else wither a fig tree except that there was some sort of intoxicant involved?
@Cattyfan- I’m curious about your answer to Razzbeth’s question. Would you also think it crossed a line if DC wrote similar comments about any of the scriptures mentioned?
I have a huge problem with group-think. I’m a fairly liberal Democrat who thinks that Alec Baldwin is a pig for calling his daughter a pig; as a result, I don’t respect him at all, although he avidly supports my political beliefs. I’m an atheist who thinks Christopher Hitchens is an ass, so the fact that he publicly promotes atheism doesn’t in the least make me want to publicly support him.
I don’t feel the need to accept, defend, and respect everyone who believes the same things I do, because personalities always cause friction in a reasonable world, regardless of political stances or religious beliefs.
Therefore, in my opinion, calling DearCrabby out for attacking a woman (who is obviously an idiot) just because you happen to be of the same religion as the one pageant mom expressed in very many silly ways is just ridiculous. Clearly, the recap was satirical–otherwise, why not complain that DearCrabby is joking around about wanting to duct tape the mouth of kids? Isn’t that a serious affront? No, because you recognize that she is joking.
Sometimes I think religious people don’t get satire, but thank God Stephen Colbert does.
All right, I think I’m done here. Maybe.
I don’t think cattyfan was upset over criticism of another Christian. DC was pretty clear about really disliking religious people. Unfortunately we all have certain groups that we don’t like. But it’s politically incorrect to dislike some groups while others remain fair game. Reread the paragraphs in question and substitute “gay” or “Jew” (with the appropriate changes to the rest of the paragraph) and everyone here would justifiably be all over her. Silly and trivial though it may be to compare, I get it as a southerner. I do not consider myself a redneck and am horrified by many of the southerners portrayed on this show. But DC often condemns all things southern and all southerners in a way that leaves the humor out. Satire can be mean, but if you lose the humor, it’s no longer satire. I get annoyed and don’t read these recaps for awhile. But then, because this show is like crack to me and no one else I know will admit to watching it, I always come back. There’s a girl who bites her nasty toenails, I have to see what people have to say about that! But anyway, I just think it would be nice if we didn’t wholesale trash an entire group, no matter who that group is. There are enough asshats out there to represent in every category.
Sue has it right. I’m fine with making fun of the mother (who says she is a Christian) and her rather odd interpretations of her religion. It was the direct slam on the Bible’s contents in response to a little girl singing that made me wince. It’s one thing to point out the stupidity of a singular woman on the show…and another to use her as a way to try to paint the rest of Christendom with a dirty brush.
I can’t stand people who are “in your face” with whatever their beliefs might be…religion, anti-smoking, vegetarianism, the dangers of global warming…don’t beat me over the head with it. I am equally put off by people who take the opposite tact, making sure we all know how much they hate something, and therefore believe that anyone who is associated with the hated item must be an idiot. (Unless, of course, we’re talking about condemning someone for being a Lindsay Lohan fan, in which case scorn is warranted.)
And Sue is also right that if we substituted a group more “politically correct,” the topic would see a number of you rush to the defense of the insulted group.
I’m not looking for a fight. That’s why I phrased my comment in a fairly mild manner…and I didn’t say “all Christians would be outraged.” I said I, just me, was disappointed.
What I saw in this recap this time wasn’t snarky fun…it was hate.I understand in the age of cynicism, Christianity isn’t “cool.” But some of the same people who shout for tolerance for others are the ones basically bullying believers for their belief in Christ. Ironic.
Well, you do understand that there is a difference between making fun of a religion or religiosity and making fun of an (often oppressed) minority, right? People rarely attack judaism, they attack the jews themselves (including murdering them, bombing their synagogues, etc.). Same thing with gays.
Which means that, yes, these subjects are much more of an emotional/political minefield.
Since “christianity” has been and continues to be on the side of the oppressor, it is a much more appropriate target for satire and contempt.
I poke fun at all religions equally, and have as much respect for christianity as I have for, say, scientology. Which is: none.
But in general, I don’t have a problem with less in-your-face religious variants (most protestant types, an occasional catholic, reformed jews, and liberal muslims), who, in general, get on with their own lives and are less likely to tell me how to live mine.
On the other hand, bible-thumpers are fair game: they’re obnoxious and rude, generally ignorant, and by definition intolerant of anyone who doesn’t adhere to their own world view.
Of course, I hold that anyone who believes in a god is either intellectually challenged or psychologically and emotionally needy, or a combination of both. But I appreciate that what you believe in your private time is your own business.
Problem with bible-thumpers is, they’re rarely private about it. And anyone who willfully and gleefully parades their stupidity in front of me is going to become a target of my scorn.
See? This is another essential difference between attacking a bible-thumper and a gay or a jew. One doesn’t chose to become a gay or a jew, one is born that way. It’s like attacking someone because they have red hair (which christians have done too, in the past).
Making fun of people for the choices they make is fair game.
But I’ll go even further, and say that born-again bible-thumper types are dangerous people. They exhibit far too much influence over the public discourse and are a direct threat to freedom and democracy.
But I don’t advocate violence as a means for change. Instead, I’ll fight ‘em with words. And a few good jokes.
Well said, Itchy!
I have to agree with many of the Dear Crabby defense posts. IMO the Bible served its purpose to collected all the folk tales and put them all in one book. I am the daughter of a ‘Pastor’ and ‘Deaconess’, I also went to Catholic school and was a Youth Leader in various young Christian organizations…..I now consider myself a Deist. Judaism is a spinoff of the Canaanite worship of the God El. Christianity is a spin of cult of Judaism. Islam is a spin off cult of the of Judaism and Christianity. Do I consider these religions cults now…..of course not! Religion has been a human problem since its CREATION, and will always be a problem as long as people shove their ideas on others. My biggest problem is why has no one asked why God hasn’t come down to Earth if He/She/They really cared and said “Hey stupid humans(beloved creation), you should follow this or that”. I mean the last time there was a ‘Prophet’ was what……1500 years ago, lines get crossed…..things get lost(cough cough changed) in translations. As a side note to Christians……Jesus never once said in the few lines he has in the NT that he wanted us to form a new religion, he wanted us to all go back to the basics of Judaism! Dear Crabby, I come to this site for the sarcasm I only watch T&T to laugh at the parents living in their deluded little brains and their unruly children. Please do not change one thing!
Totally off subject, but does anyone watch Jersey Shore? Last week there was a moment that made me think of our beloved Mackenzie…..Snookie was looking for her stuffed aniimal Crocadilly(i) and she walked around the house calling it like M looking for that hard working lady Ni-Ni.
I’m pretty sure Jersey Shore is just more proof that there is no god. If Toddlers n’ Tiaras hadn’t already tipped you off. ;-p
Refer to last week’s recap comments to get into the Southern thing. Being a Southerner, I say this: God please save me from Southerners, big hair, rebel flags, fried food.
Oh, and from the audacity of people who knock on my door early on Saturday mornings to ask me if I died right now, would I go to Heaven.
@thiajok: That’s what peepholes and “Shhh! Pretend we’re not here!” are for.
@itchy: I agree with melonhead – very well said.
I get making fun, that’s why I watch reality tv and read the recaps. But when it’s not funny (or even trying to be) and just crosses over to just mean-spirited and hateful, that’s something entirely different. I just don’t agree that it’s ok to hate any paritular group, no matter their history or what certains members of that group may do. But regarless, this site is supposed to be fun. I adore Flipit and JMo. But DC’s recaps have a different tone… some funny lines but so much bitterness and anger. I guess they just aren’t for me. The obvious solution is to stay away and if this show were any less awesome I could. And I do try. As Camille would say, it’s haaard.
I don’t think DC crossed the line — she was clearly making fun of the participants in this crapfest, and if they’re willing to appear on a reality show, then they’re worthy of our scorn and derision.
Besides, the best part of DC’s recaps of this show is that she secretly (or not so secretly) wishes she could compete in one of these pageants too. I doubt anyone else could quite capture the same sort of shame-filled longing.
@Clair: I quite like letting them know that they’ve annoyed the hell out of me. I feel like if they have the right to come onto my property to proselytize, I have the right to tell them what I think of it.
Stiff upper lip, Sue. There might be other sites that recap the show which feature recaps full of lollipops and marshmallow thoughts of happiness wrapped in a safe, warm bubble-wrap of Jesusness.
@thiajok, I guess you never stopped to notice I never even said I was Christian. I generally don’t discuss politics or religion, mostly for lack of interest (but if I did, it wouldn’t be on tvgasm – no offense meant to tvgasm, I consider that a compliment, not an insult). But once again, my main point was to question the need for all the hostility. If being happy makes me unsophisticated, I can live with that.
I love these recaps. They are hilarious. My daughters do pageants but we are not crazy! These shows always pick the craziest, brattiest, most ignorant families to follow. I would never put my kids out there to only have them recapped as total hethans(spelling ?) because they had a meltdown on tv. I would also whip my kids asses if they acted like some of these kids on national TV. I love these recaps and they are so dead on but i wish they would follow some real pageant kids that know how to act and don’t have ignorant parents!
There is a comment here that made me cringe. And it had nothing to do with religion or anybody’s sincere opinion of this article.
Always Love Your Re-Caps DearCrabby.
TC, Robin
Hmm, two guesses WHOSE comment made you cringe, right Robin? ;-p
A-N’s glitz dress has to be one of the ugliest I’ve seen on this show. What is with the 3 weird button-type things on it? It doesn’t look like it fits and the style of the top doesn’t mesh well with the cupcake skirt. What was her mother thinking?
Also, I was surprised they didn’t take off points for Ivy running all over. There isn’t much poise when you have to chase a kid down and drag them back up on stage.
@itchy, It had nothing to do with your post. Does that surprise you? LOL
TC, Robin
LMAO said, “These shows always pick the craziest, brattiest, most ignorant families to follow.” Umm…have you seen the audiences for these pageants? Those freaks are the parents of the pageant kids. Let me guess. They hide the REAL audiences/parents in a side room off-camera, where we can’t see how normal they look? Instead, TLC cleverly positions assorted crazy people (that you normally only see at the state fair or at Walmart)in a cheap hotel conference room’s seating area. And that’s where we get the idea that the people who show up to see their little girls all tarted-up and ready to rock the stage are such a sad looking lot. Part of the entertainment value of this show is the glimpses of the sparse audience filled with the kind of people you were told not to stare at when you were a kid.
I thought David was the token gay pageant friend Becky brought in to do her kid’s hair and makeup (and sham-browing
) until she said “husband” and then I was all like “GASP!!!”. Ash-Noe’s total lack of any physical similarities comparison witj her parents makes me think there’s something weird going on. Normally, I’d guess adoption, but they seem like the “procreate in the name of the lord” types. IDK.
I need to comment. Well, maybe not NEED, but…
I’m a strong Christian, but I won’t shove it down your throat. If you want help believing, I’m here to help. But if you don’t wanna change your beliefs, then who am I to tell you how to live?
I do pageants, too. Yes, I do believe God wants us to stay conservative and pure. But pageants are not all about making yourself up (or whatever) in tiny outfits to be judged on beauty. It’s about gaining confidence (I know you hear that crap a lot, but honestly, it’s totally true) and possibly getting money and/or scholarships. Maybe even travel the world.
But I’m getting off-topic..
Do I think it was slightly out of line for DC to speak ill of Christianity, or any organized religion? Well, sure I do. I like to defend my beliefs.
But do I think she was attacking the believers or even the belief? Absolutely not.
As a Christian, I opt not to hate anybody, let alone other believers. And truth be told, I love to talk about my God; I could all day, because I PERSONALLY BELIEVE He is good to me. But I’m not going to say, “You’re going to HELL because you don’t love Jesus!”
And when you’re on national television when you try to show off how much of a Jesus freak you are, and be like, “LOOK! I’m forcing my child to believe what I do! She can’t have any other views EVER in her life, or I’ll tell her she’s totally wrong!”… then expect to get talked about. You’re kind of depriving your child of other possible religions she may think about.
The thing about Becky saying, “She needs to learn to look good for her husband!” and that stuff? Now that’s just plain ignorance/stupidity.
That’s my two-cents about that.
Keep up the snark, Crabby. Love ya (:
By the way, I’m actually a teenager. I’m pretty rare to find these days: teens who will speak out and lead a good crowd and a good life. Sure, I do pageants, but that doesn’t mean I’m a “hussy” or anything. I’m actually committed to purity before marriage, have very high grades, and I don’t do drugs. So say what you want, but I’m not attacking anybody whatsoever. (:
In the midst of all the religious commentary, y’all have missed the most important aspect of this episode. Victoria’s mom is a dead ringer for Charlize Theron as Aileen Wournos in MONSTER! Creepytola.
I ain’t not never gonna say nothin’ about your Jesus hatin’, Crabby. I love you just the way you are, well maybe if you wore lashes more often.
Snark away Dear Crabby. I have “Christians” in my family. They have no problem calling people out on stuff they believe will condemn someone to fiery damnation.
If you say you can love Jesus and Glitz pageants in the same sentence, expect to be made fun of. And if that offends some people and their own religious beliefs, well then too bad. Like they said in Stripes…lighten up Francis.
@ Itchy — your mind makes me want to get all dolled up and service you like a good Christian woman would.
And,really? I am the ONLY one who noticed the penis-pops?
Pug? You’re a teenager? There’s still hope for you. You’ve been brainwashed, it’s understandable that you feel this way. But there’s still time for you to think for yourself. Sometimes I think they should hire de-programmers for ALL of America.
Oh, this isn’t brainwash. I became this on my own, I can assure you that. I grew up with a Christian mother, yes, but I was given freedom of religion. But I don’t understand why people really take pity in the fact when we’re like, “Yeah, go God!” I don’t see it as programming. It’s my own life. I don’t criticize non-believers, because who am I to judge on how you live? (:
See, this is why I practice Candomble. Chances are you’ve never heard of it and that’s just how we like it.
Go PugLvr!! The fact that itchy thinks you’re brainwashed just because you have beliefs is very sad. Methinks there might be something missing from his/her life. PugLuvr, you sound like a great kid who has opinions and know what you believe. It sounds like you’re making great choices in your life. How is that being brainwashed? Also, you’re a lot more mature than many on this comment section who feel that they can judge others for their choices and beliefs.
“Oh, stop organizing the world around people WHO DON’T GET THE JOKE. Fuck them if they don’t get it.”
–Blil Maher
Thank you, Jazzy. That really makes me feel good (:
NotWithoutMyTV, I kinda have to agree with that quote, haha!
Hey Crabby, just wanted to come by and say, I’m in your corner, loved the recap and your take on it, this is a tough show and you always knock ‘em outta the park! (ooh, how butch, I used a baseball reference!)
Your recaps are strangely addicting, my dear. And I enjoy the comments almost as much… I knew any religious references would start up a heated debate… Calm down people. It’s only a show and she’s only commenting. She’s not deciding anyone’s religious fates any more than your preachers are from the pulpit. We are all adults and make up our own minds about the religious content of our lives. Stop taking everything so seriously and see what it is… The opinion of one person who intends it to be FUNNY! Deep breaths. You’ll all be fine in the morning.
““You can love Jesus and you can love glitz,” Becky says. Was that in the Bible?”
Yes, that is in the Bible. It says so quite clearly in the Book of Glitz, chapter 6 verse 4, right after “And so, Jesus did go to Texas in a stretch hummer, and said to his disciples ‘If you want to show your worthiness you must remember the lost eleventh commandment: Go Glitz or go Home’”
Oh, and in Canada our $50 is red…that’s kind of pink