Finally! Back in the south where these clusterf#ck pageants belong! Pageant Co-Director Angie Pearson of “International Fresh Faces of Georgia,” a pageant title that makes NO sense, explains that Fresh Faces is one of the biggest pageant franchise pyramid schemes out there, and they are very proud of that. They actually do two different types of beauty pageants, natural and glitz, and this pageant is both rolled into one. However, they don’t want people to “overdo it.” Then you probably shouldn’t have glitz as part of the pageant, morons.
Finally! A pageant mom who showers!
In Canton, Georgia, former pageanteer mom Becky introduces us to Ashley-Noelle, two years old and blonde in a way NEITHER parent is. Ahem. Ashley-Noelle is a cute kid and her mother is one of the few pageant moms who looks like she might actually look in a mirror more than once a year.
Becky tells us that people in her church were wondering what she was doing putting her daughter in a glitz pageant. As a person who dislikes organized religion, religious wars, holiday churchgoers, zealots, Sunday school teachers, and judgmental Christians, I wonder why people in her church had any right to have any opinion about what this woman does with her daughter. That’s a recappers job!
Becky further infuriates me by trying to get her daughter to sing “Jesus Loves Me,” and poor little following lamb Ash-Noe says it’s because “the Bible tells me so!” Yeah, it also tells you a whole mess of crap that isn’t right, but whatever. You’re young and need something to believe in at this point. “You can love Jesus and you can love glitz,” Becky says. Was that in the Bible?
Then it might almost sort be true!
In Savannah, Georgia, we meet our hellion of the episode, three year old Lily. She loves slamming doors which I have to tell you was my forte growing up. Tattooed mom Ivy tells us that Lily is not your typical pageant girl. Well, she’s a spoiled brat who doesn’t listen to you, so yes she is. “I hate you!” Lily screams at her mother. She’s three. Imagine this trainwreck in about 10 years.
OMG, I hate my kid. Yeah, we do too.
Ivy tells us she’s only done about 10 pageants and won 2, including a “People’s Choice” award, which will all know what that means: Pity Award! “I kick ass!” she says. Wow, really? At three? Now dats klass!
Ivy tells us Lily is “rough around the edges” which is why she put her in pageants – to smooth the roughness out. You know what else does that? Discipline and a swift kick to her ass! Lily screams at the top of her lungs and I want to hold that pillow over her face until it stops!
Stuff a sock in her mouth, quick!
Over in Odom, Georgia, we see the words “Spoiled Brat” splashed across seven year old Victoria’s room as she counts to $103. “I like pink, money, pageants and winning,” Victoria tells us. Well, at least she’s got her humanitarian side down. And at first, I was like, “Where do they make pink money?”
Living out your dreams via your daughter. Yeah, we’ve seen this before.
Mom Sharon is a sad-sack who tells us she’ll do anything to help Victoria to win this pageant. Will you kill a competitor? Because that’s what it sounds like, Goodfella! Sharon says Victoria has completed 70 pageants and then says something interesting: “She’s probably lost 10 of them.” Why would you focus on the losses? I mean, wouldn’t you say she’s won 60 or won almost 90% or something along those lines? As we shall see, this is kind of how Sharon works.
Victoria says she loves being onstage because the lights shine on her – and ONLY her. Wow, the real world is going to depress the shit out of you. Sharon says Victoria has won five to six thousand dollars, which is about $85 a pageant. Excellent winnings considering her one pageant dress cost $1000. Math just never seems to be anyone’s strong suit in this series.
Making it rain on her bed. Practice for when she goes pro.
Back in Canton, Becky tells us that this is their first glitz pageant so they are going to “do lashes” and spray their tiny new child with chemicals to turn her brown. Becky will be doing Ash-Noe’s hair and makeup because, “That is something I think I am truly good at.” Uh-huh.
Ash-Noe’s dad David interviews that he’s often surprised when he sees these girls made up to look like they are teenagers. I’m surprised Becky hasn’t realized that David is GAY. I mean seriously, this guy is gay, right? Like totally gay. Someone with a gay-dar let me know. And I would totally hook him up with the other gay David I’ve recapped, they would make a great couple!
Yep. O-face, mastered!
And here we go…Becky tells us that, “There is nothing wrong with wearing makeup and fixing your hair to be the best that God created you to be.” Then she tells her daughter she might want her to wear those eyelashes every day. I guess God didn’t create your lashes to be as pretty as MOMMY wanted you to be.
Back in Savannah, Ivy tells us that they don’t spray tan because of “my ethnicity” – and at first I thought she said “bio-ethnicity” and I thought she was trying to go all green and sustainable on our asses. So instead of spray-tanning, Ivy takes Lily out and has her SUNBATHE because promoting skin cancer is so much better. Also, the sun is going to do the same thing as tanner, dumbass – make your kid look brown as a berry. God, people are so stupid.
Making sure you get BOTH the UVA and UVB rays…man, this would be so much easier with a rotisserie.
Ivy jumps on the God bandwagon and says it is more important for Lily to do well in the natural portion of the pageant because that’s what “God blesses you with.” Seriously, if you really believe in God that much, why not have her down at the local homeless shelter serving food and doing God’s work versus being in a beauty pageant that serves none?
In Odom, Victoria is having her hair cut at home for some reason and there is a crisis in the teeth department – and Victoria got $20 from the Tooth Fairy over the weekend for losing her front teeth. Quite a ways from my fifty cents per tooth back in the day! Man, I’m old.
However, out of context, this sounds really, really bad.
Now here’s the best part. Sharon says the way she pays for the pageants is by helping her husband in his septic tank business. Now I have to say, looking at their house, the septic tank business is full of it – money that is! They must be doing very well. Sadly, we have to see footage of Sharon digging through human excrement in someone’s yard. Does Mike Rowe and his Dirty Job staff know about you? Could be a crossover show!
And should you really be standing directly in front of that pipe?
“My daddy works in poop poop poop poop poop,” Victoria tells us. “Princesses don’t work in poop.” No, they just profit from it. Sharon says the other pageant moms freak out when she tells them what she does (wouldn’t everybody?) but she just sees dollar signs. Think about how disappointed she’s going to be when the pageanting is over but the stench isn’t.
Back in Canton, Becky is bedazzling a swimsuit because what else is there to do on a Saturday. She asks Ash-Noe if she’s going to tell everyone at church she helped her mommy turn her into a whore. She might have phrased it differently.
Oh, sure, dad David is straight. Which is why he is using the Sham-Brow™ to tame the eyebrows she got from him. She looks like he might slice her eye out if he’s not careful, but he’s kind of a pro. At this.
Please don’t blind me, gay daddy. Also, God hates you and it says so in the Bible. I think. There’s a lot of odd interpretation nowadays.
Becky says they want to teach her from a young age to be pretty. “You’re ultimately going to get married and have kids, and pageants are one way to teach her to dress well and do those things that her husband needs…that’s a need that a man has in his life. And I want my girls to give it to their husbands like I want to give it to my husband.”
Oh. My. F#cking. God. I’m getting an ice cream MIGRAINE from everything comment/joke/scream that has just popped into my head.
Ivy, somehow the voice of reason, tells us they rent dresses for these pageants instead of buying them. Smart move. She asks Lily if she wants to try on her dress and Lily screams “NOOOOO!” and slams her door. If she were my kid, there’d be no door. And no mouth, because I’d have it duct taped SHUT.
Ivy says it’s Lily’s biggest pageant in her “career” because it’s a state pageant, so they’ve spent about $1000. “It’d be nice for her to win,” Ivy says. Lily screams. OMG shut the hell up.
Oh gross, Victoria is having fake nails attached to her toenails, which are totally gross and nasty. She says her feet “don’t stink,” but Sharon says Victoria actually bites her toenails. “My feet are NOT funky!” Victoria says. I bet your mouth is!
And yes there are. I can smell them through the recap.
Sharon says she hopes Victoria wins at the pageant and if she doesn’t, “She’ll probably be a brat.” Yeah, we’re going to see where she gets that in about 30 minutes. Victoria says when she loses she cries and throws her hairpiece off. Klassy!
And who is REALLY biting Victoria’s toenails?
Ash-Noe doesn’t really want to practice but Becky makes her every night before the pageant. Dad has to show her how to “shake her booty.” SHE’S TWO!
This I learned at the Manhole in Vegas. Don’t tell mommy.
Keeping with the dumb stereotype, Becky says, “I am white girl through and through and he dances, so he just has to do swimsuit, he’s good at that.” Seriously, WTF? David’s white, isn’t he? I mean, I cannot imagine a “through and through” white girl who spends way too much time caring what church folk think would marry someone with…tainted non-white blood. So where did he get those moves? WHERE? I’m guessing South Beach.
Ivy is trying to get Lily to practice because she doesn’t have a coach. Why waste the money at this point, right? Lily runs screaming through the house and not practicing. In fact, her brother does a better job finding the Xs Ivy’s put down for her. Poor kid just wants to be loved!
Practicing her slutty Little Miss Sunshine routine.
Sharon is running Victoria through pageant boot camp and she’s a total hard ass. She drills her and yells and drills and yells – quality time. Victoria tells us it wasn’t a good practice. Thanks, Captain Obvious.
Your grade on this assignment is an “F.”
Pageant day! In the huge metropolitan city of Perry, Georgia, population: Pageant girls. Turns out Lily is “falling back” into the two year old group because of when her birthday falls, so she’ll be competing with Ash-Noe. I hope they have to cage-fight at some point because it would be so cool to see two little girls in cupcake dresses ripping the shit out of each other. Big money’s on Lily.
Victoria’s flipper has shown up and it’s a winner! You’d never know she was a seven year old now! Mom Sharon checks Victoria’s mouth like she’s checking a horse.
Ivy slams pixie sticks down Lily’s gullet to help her wake up. When she finds out it’s almost 8 o’clock, she swears and we find out where Lily gets her potty mouth. Ivy tells us how they have to change from one outfit to another to another…yeah, not our first pageant, honey.
Ash-Noe is getting ready and Becky says she’s worried about the tone-down glitz and what they should do. How about toning it down? Do I have to draw a picture for you? She asks to see Ash-Noe’s “stinkies” and for a split second I thought we were going to see that kid’s bum. But no, she’s talking about her feet. If she had said “funkies,” I would have expected Victoria to show up.
Becky is very confident that Ash-Noe is going to do well, and she and gay David are pretty calm for pageant parents.
Cute, but clearly she doesn’t have either of her parents’ genes.
CRISIS! Lily has to go potty! POTTY! Duh, don’t you take care of this before you get down there? Ivy rushes her to the bathroom wondering if they take off points for being late. THEY DO. Sure enough, they call Lily’s name and she’s too busy whizzing up a storm to get onstage.
What do you expect after a night of binge drinking?
Finally, she’s back and Ivy tries to take her onstage. Lily throws a fit, pulls her mother back offstage and basically needs to be sent home. One of the pageant helpers takes her hand and Lily gets onstage, that has to hurt, doesn’t it Ivy? I will say I kinda love the pageant helper’s dress, it’s very cute and fluffy. Lily does a “good job” according to her mom.
F#ck this noise.
“I was surprised she did so well with a stranger.” Oy vey, did you not teach her stranger danger? Of course not. Now don’t blame us when the Amber Alert doesn’t work because your kid went willingly with whatever pedophile you forgot to tell her to avoid.
Can she be my new mommy?
Ash-Noe is up and Becky goes onstage with her. The weird thing is that Becky gives her all the instructions onstage very loudly and it seems to me that she might want to tone it down – otherwise doesn’t it sort of look like Ash-Noe isn’t prepared? It’s almost like she’s trying hard to be the one who is noticed.
Sit! Speak! Lie down! Rollover! Play dead!
Sharon is worried because Victoria hasn’t competed in a natural AND glitz pageant on the same day, and I sort of agree with Sharon here – it really doesn’t make sense. Those are two radically different types of mindsets…the glitz girls won’t want to go natural and the natural girls don’t want to tart it up. What an odd combo.
So, uh…no shower?
To add fuel to the fire, Victoria is all pissy about her hair because they put the headband in FRONT of her ears. You know what, I’d be pissy too. How far out do they think her ears are going to splay out? They call her Dumbo and she pouts even more.
Mocking children is fun!
Sharon asks Victoria practice but she’s having none of it. She tells her mother she doesn’t want to practice or go onstage. Sharon is worried that her attitude is going to come through and yep, I’m with her there. Victoria has a meltdown and cries into her mother’s shoulder. Don’t mess up the makeup you don’t have on!
Am I a clown? Do I AMUSE you?
Victoria goes onstage and does a pretty good job. She’s cute, the dress is very pretty and low-key, and basically she performed like the trained poodle she is. Arf!
I’m outta here!
Back in God’s country, Becky and Dan are telling Ash-Noe to put her hands on her butt and shake it like she means it. Oh, she will. For her husband, like she’s supposed to. Amen.
Becky put the eyelashes on Ash-Noe but manages to get glue in one eye and Ash-Noe freaks and loses it like most of us would. Too bad God didn’t give you better lashes. Maybe mom can blind you with Latisse next time.
I knew you guys were trying to blind me!
Lily is in her room attempting to scarf down a doughnut then drops it on the floor. Ivy is mad because Lily’s lipstick has come off. Maybe you could reapply like the rest of us do after chomping down a glazed piece of heaven.
Here’s how to grind, baby!
Ivy screams her way up to the stage and she goes on the stage with helper pageant girl…except she ran all over the stage, off the stage, in front of the judges and around the room before they catch her. Brat. Finally she gets onstage like she is supposed to and does her little dance. Poor pageant helper.
The greased pig has been caught!
Ash-Noe is going onstage with her dad and Becky reminds him to make sure Ash-Noe’s hands are “on her butt.”
Stop teasing the emcee, dad!
Becky tries to put Ash-Noe’s hands on her butt then Ash-Noe I guess touches a naughty part and her mother says, “Don’t touch that.” Save that for your husband since it’s going to be YOUR JOB. Then she takes her onstage – so confusing! – as dad bounces around, touches his butt and blows kisses. I bet that’s not the only thing he blows, boo-ya! I know, too easy.
Jesus tells me this ain’t right.
Victoria is getting ready to go onstage for the swimsuit category but wants to piggyback her brother instead. Sharon tells her to calm down, Victoria tells her mother to get off of him, and then TLC edits to a shot of her brother and it looks like he’s the only one getting off on something and people, it just ain’t right!
I’m gonna get me some of that! And that over there! And that!
CRISIS! Victoria’s flipper is about to fall out as she’s about to go onstage! NO! They toss her onstage anyway and she dances all around and holds the flipper in. Wow, that was a close one not at all! Okay, she does scrunch her nose up a little, probably from trying to hold it in a little. The flipper, that is.
New judges are up because natural judges and glitz judges are given separate but equal judging capabilities, just not at the same time. Ah, Georgia, will you ever let it go?
Lily is getting ready and they wake her from her nap by giving her soda. Good thinking, because she really is a low-key kid.
And after this let’s hit the blue plate special.
Ash-Noe screams that she has to go potty and Becky tells her that it’s okay because she has a pull-up on. At first I had no clue what she meant, but then she informs us that after potty training their daughter, they are going to let her pee in her pull-up right now because the dress is too fluffy and difficult to get on and off in a timely manner. So instead, she gets to go onstage smelling of and bathing in her own urine. Now that’s dedication.
No, she’s figuring out the square root of Pi.
Dad asks what his sweet girl is doing and as Ash-Noe stands there stoically, Becky tells him the horrible truth of the pull-up.
Now I’m not sure if this was just an editing trick, but Ivy and Lily ask if they can sit down and then we see Becky whispering that she doesn’t think “that three year old” is pretty, she’s better natural and that Ash-Noe is prettier than that girl. Then Ivy interviews that she hates the moms who are snooty. So I’m not sure if that really happened the way they showed or if it was edited together in such a way that we think Becky is talking about Lily. But again, what do I care, Lily is a brat.
Lily is up first and I don’t know, I think she does an okay job. She doesn’t seem to have a lot of energy at first, then she bounces around, but she doesn’t smile enough in my opinion. But I’m not a judge! I’m just judge-y.
When did Rosie Perez get her and what is the quickest route to the exit?
Ash-Noe is up next and mom bosses her all over the stage…seriously, I wonder if she got points taken off for this. David says the other girls were more animated than Ash-Noe and they should work on that while Becky says she wouldn’t have done anything differently. Ah, the united front of parenting.
Wow, I feel really…damp!
Victoria is up for her glitz portion and her hair isn’t any bigger than before but thank God there’s no headband. She looks cute but she continues to scrunch up her nose and she doesn’t really have a lot of personality or shine onstage. She gets offstage and immediately holds her hand out for money. Whore. Mom takes her to the craps table and buys her crap. Performing for money is now solidified in her mind!
There really are two Americas.
CROWNING! Finally. Titles are given for natural beauty then glitz beauty for every single age group. This is going to take freakin’ forever, someone get me a drink.
Swimwear…1st alternate…not our girls…Swimwear Winner…LILY! Becky is not pleased. Natural Photogenic…Ash-Noe! Becky is happy because “I took the pictures.” Yes, again, it’s all about YOU. Best Eyes…Ash-Noe…Best Smile…Lily! Best Personality…Lily! Wow, maybe we won’t be here too late! Or the emcee has eyed David and wants to catch up with him at the bar later…
State Most Beautiful Winner…Lily! Natural Fresh-Face portion…4th Alternate…Ash-Noe! Oh crap! Second Alternate in natural beauty…Lily! The winner of this category is a child with the unfortunate name of Paisley. Moms, that never stays in style!
Jesus tells me to love you but I really don’t.
Glitz awards…4th Alternate…Ash-Noe! Ouch. Becky is not happy and says it’s hard as a mother to find out your kid is heinously ugly by pageant standards. Again, I may be paraphrasing. Glitz Winner…of the $200 savings bond is Lily! Wow! So well worth the $1000 they spent! To add insult to Becky’s injury, that stupid little brat Lily is shown throwing her crown on the floor.
Jesus is really standing on my last nerve with a stiletto heel, isn’t he?
Becky is pissed. “The little girl who won was kind of running around everywhere…maybe that’s what they were looking for,” she says, about to cry, I think. Tell us the best part, Becky.
“One day I want her to be able to walk up to a stranger and be able to tell them about Christ,” she says. And as that stranger, I’ll be able to slam the door right in her face to tell her about Mr. I-don’t-give-a-shit. Then David walks into a window as they leave.
And thanks to the blue screen of death, I now have to re-write all of Victoria’s category wins and losses. Excellent. I am SO pleased.
So, first award…Swimwear…not Victoria. First alternate in Swimwear…Victoria! Sharon makes a stinky face and barely claps.
CRAP! I’m gonna have to clean more CRAP!
Natural Photogenic…not Victoria. Best Smile…Victoria! Which Sharon says she “expected.” Bitch. Fresh-Face Natural Portion…1st alternate…not Victoria…Queen…Victoria! YAY! Mom blinks and doesn’t clap. A friend says, “Smile, Sharon” but we are waaay past that.
“I guess I need to kinda be proud,” she says, admitting that basically the judges told her she has a naturally pretty daughter. Ya think? And Sharon, you in fact look kind of oily and really, really, really ugly, especially on the inside, right now.
Mommy’s gonna beat me for being naturally pretty!
Glitz beauty…2nd alternate…Victoria! Sharon is not pleased and can barely bring her hands together. “We ain’t never got no second place for glitz,” she snarls at her friend. And thank you for taking the hilljack onus off of the state of Ohio from last week and putting it squarely on the shoulders of Georgia.
The face that launched a thousand Titanics.
But wait! There’s more! The emcee begs people to stick around for the Grand Supreme title with pickled pigs feet. Victoria is one of the girls called to the stage and Sharon regains consciousness. Not for long.
Grand Supreme Winner? Not Victoria. Sharon’s mouth drops wide open. “I’m not quite sure what happened at this pageant,” she says. Okay, let me bring you up to speed. Victoria lost the top title. Are you with me now?
You can actually hear the rickety scaffolding of her dreams crashing to the ground in this picture.
“I just don’t see how that little girl won that,” she says. Uh, because she has – say it with me now – THE WHOLE PACKAGE. And honestly, she’s kind of cute and I bet she’s not ugly on the inside. And Sharon proves my point:
“The reason her daughter won is because she probably knew the judges,” Sharon mumbles. She then interviews, “If I knew the judges then Victoria would be winning all the time, probably.” Yeah, it has nothing to do with the other girl being better or prettier or more prepared, it’s because she cheated and you have absolutely no proof. Sharon, thank you for showing what an ignorant, illiterate hilljack dumbass bitch you truly are. Your soul must be black tar. I hope on the way to the parking lot, you bump into Becky and Ash-Noe and she can tell you all about Christ. It would serve you both right.
Screw you, paparazzi!
Sharon continues to spat that she doesn’t think Victoria is judged fairly (no reason given). Victoria puts her hand up to the TLC cameras and screams “Go away!” and she buries her crying face in her mother’s fat shoulder. “She just whooped everybody’s butt,” Sharon incomprehensively interviews. Thanks, Deliverance. Jesus doesn’t love you and I bet somewhere the Bible says that too!
And just so I’m clear, the baby weight NEVER comes off?
Next week? Season finale! Say it ain’t so, TLC!