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Tuesday, March 1, 2011
12:00 pm
66 Comments
And you wonder why she’s crying?
Co-Director and pageant emcee Betty Burns introduces us to this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras season finale, the Rodeo Princess pageant in Bridgeport, West Virginia! Yee-ha! Poor Betty does not have any friends because if she did they would have warned her not to wear something that had spaghetti straps and was clearly cut for an 18 year old. Betty hasn’t seen 18 in a long time. Oh, Betty, it just makes you look older…you can’t out-kitten the kittens!
She was just found in the back of Studio 54.
Once again we have another semi-glitz pageant, which, pageant directors, make up your minds. I can see why it would be hard for pageant moms to understand at what level you want glitz vs. natural. Betty tries to clarify by saying you can wear all the glitz and rhinestoned clothes you want, but keep the hair and makeup age-appropriate. Well, little kids shouldn’t be wearing makeup so once again, confusion reigns.
Competition includes beauty, “talent” and “princess western wear” which is something that doesn’t actually exist in the wild. And why, why, why must everyone suffer through talent yet again?
We being our journey in the lovely Charleston, West Virginia, which you all know I adore because their capital building is domed in real gold. REAL GOLD! Paid for in coal! We also had a couple of family reunions there when we were little kids, when we actually liked being around family, and it is a beautiful state.
We meet Karmen in March of 2009, in the Retirement of a Semi-Legend recap, and apparently she’s still a huge brat. The first shot we see of her is her pinging her mother in the chest with a pinecone. Look, we’ve all been there, but she doesn’t even apologize.
Mom Heather tells us Karmen, “Brings the glitz to every pageant stage.” Well, she’d better not this time. She tells us that since the Southern Celebrity Winter Wonderland pageant, “Karmen has really grown as a person.” And as a brat.
Also? Ribbit.
“Karmen’s personality has many layers,” Heather tells us, which we all know is code for “Peel back the Bloomin’ Onion layers and you’ll find rot!” She says Karmen is “extraordinarily intelligent” (smart mouth), she loves to read and meet new people (footage of her hiding under her desk), she just has “a lot of levels.” So does Hell.
Leave me alone, dammit! I prefer to smell the carpet when I’m alone.
In Clarksburg, West Virginia, our double-wide dweller is seven year old Lynsie and mom Jamie. Lynsie calls herself a “redneck beauty queen.” Sigh. “A redneck is a hillbilly girl,” she says, totally proud. Sigh squared.
Watch out behind you! Bears!
Dad Jimmy pulls up in a totally tricked-out truck with the tall tires that makes you need a ladder to get into the vehicle. I always worry about what if a guy picked me up for a date in one of those, what would I do? Then I remember my dating life and it’s kind of a moot point.
Lynsie’s dad calls the vehicle a “mud bogger” and says his daughters like to go “mud bogging” on the weekends and in the summer. I know people who do this and it really seems to be some kind of primordial guy thing. Anything that requires me to use a winch to get my car out of mud after I’ve put it there on purpose is really not my thing. Also, another hilarious move on TLC’s part is to SUBTITLE Jimmy. It’s English and yet not so much.
The mud bogger is called the Green Goblin and I’m horrified to see that both of his little daughters get into the passenger seat and do not put on any kind of seatbelt. The car bounces them back and forth and I immediately put my hand to MY mouth to protect my teeth. Nothing like having daughters who grow up looking like the Detroit Red Wings. At least it will cut down on orthodontia costs!
Bye teeth!
Jamie says, “She’s a redneck. You don’t have to have no teeth to be a redneck or live in the backwoods, it’s a state of mind.” It’s also your physical state, Jamie, as your kids will have no teeth left and, well, you seem to live in a bog.
My mother was hilljack and my father was white trash, so being hillbilly is marrying up!
Lynsie has only done 7 pageants so it’s amateur hour, but she won a supreme title over the summer and mom says it’s like being bitten by a bug. Yeah, they are probably flying up from the bog!
In New Martinsville, West Virginia, we meet our final contestant and our Isabelle 2.0 pageant girl, eight year old Kelci (tragically spelled name, but great kid!). She’s practicing lassoing in the kitchen and although there’s really not enough room for that nonsense, she’s pretty good.
Practicing the wave for the royal wedding next month.
Mom Kim tells us Kelci has been competing in natural pageants only. Oh man, this won’t be good. Kelci says if this pageant is glitz, she won’t be in it. She prefers to be in natural pageants to show what she actually looks like. Damn, this kid is like the Confucius of the pageant world. Showing what you actually look like? Blows the mind.
When did Jay Leno get here?
OMG, this family combines my two loves – dogs and tiaras! They put a tiara on their dog Roxy. LOVE! Kim says that out of the 15-20 pageants Kelci has competed in, she’s won over 50% of them. That’s a lot of math and to be honest, I’m surprised she doesn’t win more, she’s adorable. Also, what about a crossover show – Terriers & Tiaras?
Give her the crown and let’s go out for pancakes.
“When Kelci’s onstage, she becomes someone else,” Kim tells us. Wait, I thought she wanted to be herself? Offstage, mom tells us she’s funny, smart and very bubbly. Seriously, she and Isabella should totally become buddies, they would totally cure cancer or something.
Then the story takes a turn for the odd. Kelci has a pet hedgehog and it seems like it’s kind of vicious despite her “Daisy” moniker. Kelci says Daisy is albino and she’s “not really sure why she’s white.” Hahahahahahahaha, good one. She can’t be held because she’ll prick Kelci, and even Roxy knows to stay back. You couldn’t get a hamster like everyone else, huh?
Really gives me the warm fuzzies.
Back in Charleston OMG there’s the gold dome! Shiny, like a tiara!
It’s GOLD! So shiny!
Karmen is having her nails put on but she doesn’t like the glue. So she does that irritating kid thing where she makes noise. First, popping her lips…and mom tells her to stop…then she moves over to clicking her tongue…then she pops her lips again and mom gives her the look and says, “Please stop.” Fine!
Now I can claw the competition’s eyes out!
Heather says pageant girls have to wear fake nails to “enhance their beauty.” I’m not really following that logic unless there is a hand-modeling category. “Beauty is a major part of pageants,” she says. She’s just f#cking with us, right?
Then we get to the finances, always my favorite part. Heather says she’s very serious about pageants and has all of Karmen’s dresses custom made. Now, she says she doesn’t like to brag about the cost of Karmen’s clothes BUT Karmen’s dresses cost $1,800 to $3,000. Money. Well. Spent.
She zips Karmen into one of those expensive dresses and it’s too small. Hope she can sell it on eBay and recoup some of those costs! To add insult to injury, the dress makes some of Karmen’s flesh spill out over the dress by her arm and her mother pushes down on it, saying, “Look…look at that!” Now I know she means the dress is just too small, but that’s gotta hurt. Self esteem, we hardly knew ye.
Fatass!
Back with our rednecks, Jamie tells us that with this pageant, they aren’t allowed to have spray tans, flippers or big “falls” (hairpieces). What is this, an Amish pageant? However, they have decided to “push the limit.” Oh here we go.
Lynsie walks out in her rock and roll outfit and she looks like a total whore. The dress is really slutty, with a skull and cross bones on the front, midriff bared, mini skirt filled with tulle, netted gloves like Madonna in 1985 and knee-high boots. Jamie says it’s like have your own little Barbie doll to play with. If Barbie were a working the streets.
I got this at American Girl, I swear!
“And to see her, how she’s probably going to look around 16…” Jamie doesn’t finish, but is clearly proud. Yeah, she’ll probably be wearing this SAME outfit, the only difference will be the baby on her hip.
Get me outta here!
Jamie says they really want Lynsie to grow up to be a doctor, something where she can “take care of mom and dad when we get old,” but it turns out Lynsie has some plans of her own. “She wants to go to Vegas and dance,” Jamie tells us. Don’t worry, she will. And the fact a seven year old knows of that as a career option? Doesn’t really seem to upset Jamie the way it would most moms. And dads. And grandparents. And most right-thinking people in the world. Meaning TVgasm readers.
Heather is trying to get Karmen to get off the trampoline and practice. She tells us that with Karmen’s personality, she just tries to go with what is going on. Meaning she’s a doormat and doesn’t like to discipline Karmen. That’ll be even more fun in a few years.
Karmen says she doesn’t like practicing because it’s frustrating. I don’t know what cutesy name we have for Karmen’s generation, but it should be Gen- LAZY. Karmen continues to jump on the trampoline and not listen to her mother.
Heather says the only thing that will prevent Karmen from winning this pageant is not practicing enough. I think it will be when the judges see her colorful “personality.”
Kelci is practicing a cheer and baton routine for talent. Kim tells us that she was twirling and doing pom-poms when she was little so she felt she was the expert in teaching Kelci. I’m going to recommend a twirling coach, just a thought. Then she practices her lassoing and this time she’s not great. Rut-roh.
Human windmill.
Heather is now trying to get Karmen to come in for a spray tan. Which we all remember Jamie told us they were not supposed to do. We see footage from the 2009 episode where Karmen thought she was being hosed with gasoline and she freaked out and cried like a little girl.
So, she doesn’t want to practice and she doesn’t want to tan. Perhaps she doesn’t want to do pageants. In fact, in her last episode, actually asked her mother if she could stop doing them. And look where that got her – on ANOTHER episode! Geez, whose life is this anyway?
Lynsie is going to the salon to have her brows waxed because as Jamie says, “My family has very strong, hairy genes.” In fact, Lynsie’s so hairy, she has her brows waxed every month even if they aren’t going to a pageant. You know, this hurts like hell as an adult, I can see how a kid would sort of freak with this. Other than holding her mother’s hand, Lynsie does a hell of a job keeping calm. Good for you, kid!
Studio or funeral home for old ladies?
Kelci is at the photographer getting fresh shots done for this pageant – something they do for every pageant. Kelci said she’d love to be a model but thinks it would be hard work and that “your legs would get tired.” But she seems like she understands and is okay with that. I love this kid!
Adorable!
Kim says she thinks pageants are a “stepping stool” for modeling. Or a stepping stone, but stools do get you higher so I will to not disqualify you. Kelci is beautiful and her pictures really show off her beauty. Seriously, call Isabella and play Scrabble.
Karmen won’t get out of bed and whines she doesn’t want to go as Heather tells us about all the places they’ve traveled and all the friends Karmen has made. God, this would be exhausting. Clearly Karmen does not want to do pageants and mom continues to push her. But how fun can this possibly be for Heather? You’d think one weekend without a pageant she’d be like, “Wow, this relaxing and not fighting with that brat is NICE.”
Heather says she’s leaving and Karmen says oh no you’re not going anywhere in the truck! Heather leaves the room and Karmen starts whining and crying. Dad Thomas tells us what a “wonderful personality” Karmen has. “I guess she gets a little moody at times.” Is that what you call it? Because I think the rest of us would call it something else. And we wouldn’t mince words.
SO. SHINY.
Karmen finally emerges with big sunglasses on, but refuses to carry any of her crap to the car. God, it is like she’s Madonna.
I only want the BLUE M&Ms. Get it right or everyone is FIRED.
Pageant day in Bridgeport, West Virginia! Pageant co-director Betty tells us the Rodeo Princess Pageant is a “county pageant.” Wait, what? Snore! No – wait, it’s two counties, Harrison and Marion. Double-snore! Way to think small.
Yeah…this is SO not glitz. Can I get some cucumber slices over here?
Kim tells us she’s nervous and Kelci says her mom is really nervous because she’s competing against a lot of high-glitz girls. This seems like a lot of pressure to put this kid under. Her main concern: Karmen.
Love the Princess Leia look, by the way.
Speaking of which, Karmen yells at her mother for poking her in the eye and yells about all the makeup going on her face as Heather interviews that “things are going very well for us right now.” What reality show is she on? “Karmen is cooperating and having a good time.” Oh, some OTHER show.
I think you meant “usually.”
Heather interviews it was difficult for them to “dial back” on the hair and makeup for this show, which begs the question, why bother to participate if you are more comfortable with high glitz?
Lynsie is getting her makeup done and the makeup artist freaks because the foundation made the self-tanner rub off her cheek, so now she has a white spot on her face. They spray-tan her face with body tanner and hope for the best.
They make a cute couple!
And we’re off! Wow, pageant co-director Betty is in full Western wear – is she competing? And that shirt is tight. Wow, non-glitz is really boring. Some of these kids look like they just woke up. Get some undereye cream, quick!
Natural pageants take a turn for the worse.
Seven and eight year old candidates are up and per usual, “it’s the toughest division and everyone should bring their A-game.” Yeah, everyone should also consider some new clichés, too. This group includes all of our girls and Heather says she thinks being a glitz girl will help Karmen win the pageant. Did you not read the fine print?
You don’t mind if I cut in, do you?
Kelci interviews that she hasn’t been up against “these many girls and Karmen,” like Karmen is the Eden Wood of West Virginia or something. It makes me sad that Kelci is measuring her self-worth against Karmen, because Karmen is a little brat and a trained poodle. Clearly Kelci has way more going for her in the manners and smarts department.
Karmen says, “I’m not nervous, ‘cause the babies can’t beat me.” Yeah, you’re not really up against just babies, though, are ya? Brat.
Move it along, bitch!
It is pretty clear this pageant is for newcomers or girls who are not polished – I’m not complaining, in fact that is kind of a compliment to the contestants. These girls look nervous, pretty but not overly done, and basically like complete amateurs. Good for you, girls!
She’s gone so natural, she’s a blur!
From our group, first up is Karmen, who is very polished, poised and sporting a cute fake smile. One of the judges bitches that she can tell Karmen has been spray-tanned because her hands give it away – they are not well-blended. Dammit! Fake tanning has not outsmarted a pageant judge!
YAY! Kelci is up next and I have to tell you J’ADORE her dress! It is totally long, fluffy and pink and she just looks beautiful. Dad is videotaping, mom is taking pictures, and you can tell this kid is loved, not pushed into this, and adorable. She’s going to do well in life.
Gorgeous!
Kim gives Kelci a big hug and she’s crying, grandma’s crying, then Kelci begins to cry because she made them cry. “Mom started crying because she was really proud of me,” Kelci says. Okay, I officially love this family. Dammit!
Lynsie is up and she interviews her new dress is pink with lots of sparkles. And when she interviews, you can see how really pretty she is – she gives off sort of a Jennifer Aniston-at-Sundance vibe in her shirt and with her perfectly wavy hair. This kid is really pretty.
See what I mean?
And speaking of pretty, I LOVE this dress too! It’s hot pink like Kelci’s – less fluff but more rhinestones, and I must have them both in adult sizes! She does a great job onstage, too. Good for you, kid! Please don’t dance in Vegas!
What a beauty and a nice mom to boot. Please avoid Vegas!
Jamie says she thought Lynsie looked great and that “all the other girls looked great too.” Hey, pageant mom, dial down the good manners, that’s not how this works. You’re supposed to despise the other kids and assume if they win, it’s because they knew the judges, right?
Right, bitch? Must be favoritism and not the fact that your kids suuuuuucks.
Karmen is getting her Western wear costume on and you know how I love the coral colored outfits. Kelci is wearing an outfit her mother made and it looks like cow hide and that she’s Annie Oakley. Lynsie is wearing something that looked like Daisy Duke, a worry confirmed when she actually says, “I’m wearing my Daisy Duke outfit.” Yeah, she’ll be a pregnant high-school dropout, count on it.
Kelci’s dad says pageants are good…”they can be good…a good confidence booster,” he says, but you get the feeling that perhaps he doesn’t believe it. Kelci goes up to her dad in the audience and he puts his arm around her and tells her she looks good in her Western wear. He calls her beautiful and gives her a kiss. See, that’s her REAL confidence booster, a dad that loves and supports her. She will NOT end up a pregnant high-school drop out, you can count on THAT.
Awww, shucks!
Karmen looks gorgeous in the coral sparkly Western outfit and yes, I’m going to need to order one of these. Her dance is a little adult for her and if they ever do a kid sequel to Coyote Ugly, she’s in. Heather says it was the best routine Karmen’s ever done.
Dradel! Dradel! Dradel!
Kelci looks adorable onstage and she does a cute little dance. Kim is worried because they practiced with more Xs at home than they had here, but Kelci doesn’t miss a beat and does a great job with the lasso. One of the judges says Kelci didn’t move as much as the other girls but that she still did a great job. Well….food for thought, I guess.
I’m gonna lasso me a tiara!
Lynsie is going to be a dancer, you can tell. She has a ton of enthusiasm and does a great job dancing all over the stage. I still have some issues with how sexy she looks and I’d probably keep her away from dad’s friends from now on, but she was good.
Talent: Jailbait!
Heather says Karmen usually decides the night before what talent she wants to do, so that is somewhat nerve-wracking. Today, Karmen decides to say the books of the Bible. Oh, crap. Well, here we go again. Get your comments ready.
First of all, is this really talent? It’s like naming off capital cities or the presidents…interesting, but not really a talent. Second, I think listing off the books of the Bible is kind of playing into the hands of the judges, isn’t it? I mean, they are probably all God-fearing people, so they probably give more points to her because it’s the BIBLE than if she was listing presidents. You have to give more points to God, he’s omnivorous. AND omnipotent.
Another Princess Leia look? “C3PO…R2D2…Han Solo…Luke Skywalker…Queen Amadala!”
We hear a church/baseball stadium organ start up as she begins, “Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Judges, Ruth, 1st Samuel, 2nd Samuel…” okay, now she’s just making shit up. “1st Kings, 2nd Kings, 1st Chronicles, 2nd Chronicles, Ezra, Nehemiah…” and then she skips a WHOLE mess of stuff that was listed on Wikipedia and goes to Lamentations…which ironically is what I’m doing right now with her “talent.” Of course, I should be most worried about Exodus 35:2 because I’m working on a Sunday and according to the Bible, that means I should be put to death. I’m sure those two eggs I just ate for breakfast are working on it.
Kelci is about to go onstage and Kim is freaking about one of the baton throws. I would be too if I were in the audience. Kelci shakes the pom-poms (no, literally) and tosses the baton and catches it. YAY! Great job.
GOOOO TEAM! So wholesome.
Lynsie is in her whore outfit and I just feel sad. She’s really pretty and probably has a good head on her shoulders, but this whole sexualization of a kid is so awful. She really is shaking it like maybe she’s seen too many of those late night shows on Blowtime or Skinemax. Dad says that she does look a little older, but (subtitles) “It is what it is.” Yes, and “what it is” is you making your seven year old pedophile bait.
The kid auction begins now…who’s my highest bidder?
“It’s like for any other sport,” he says, “You’ve got to wear protective gear…or dress up, I guess.” Truer words were never spoken, and fingers crossed when her age does catch up to how she’s dressing, she will use protection. Excuse me while I don’t hold my breath.
Lynsie says she did a good job and so did all of her friends, and she and Kelci hug. Okay, that was cute and good sportsmanship. I still think I know which one is going to be Juno and which one is going to be the leggy blonde friend.
Made in China and FULL of lead paint. YAY!
CROWNING! They do age divisions and of course, have optionals which are things you pay for to help your kid win more crap. The highest point winners are crowned for each county and there are no cash prizes – instead, you get tiaras, trophies and pink cowboy boots full of goodies. Karmen says she’d like to win the horsey crown. Well duh.
Kelci says she’d be okay with first runner up but she really wants to win. Again, I hate that her self-worth seems a little tied up with this pageant…hopefully they’ll get away from that as a family.
Prettiest Smile…Lynsie! Best Dressed…Karmen (well duh, she spent the most). Cover Girl Photogenic…Kelci! Damn straight! Royal Rodeo Princess Court…two girls are called then…Kelci! Aww. I was hoping she’d get higher and so did she, but still, she did a great job. Kim wasn’t happy but she knew the competition would be fierce.
Young Miss Princess…Karmen! Oh, BURN! That means she didn’t win the ultimate super supreme pizza with everything, she’s first loser. Well, that’ll teach you to not blend your hand tan!
So…who is going to win the Harrison County Young Miss Princess? LYNSIE! YAY! Well, she did look adorable outside of the whole whore situation. The Marion County Young Miss Princess…Karmen! Wait, what? I thought she was Young Miss Princess but she also qualified for the county? I’m so confused. Per usual.
When I do this I can actually scratch Mommy’s brain!
Kelci says she and her mother will probably continue to do natural pageants instead of glitz, and good for you! Save your money for cool things like college and school trips to Washington, D.C.
Robbed!
Lynsie confirms our worst fears, “The judges must have wanted a redneck beauty queen.” Or they were just thrilled you still had all of your teeth despite the mud bogging.
Okay, judges, good choice!
Heather says semi-glitz is difficult and at this pageant, the judges didn’t like Karmen’s tan and they thought her makeup was a little dark. Still, she won pretty big so what the hell? “We do come from a glitz world and that’s what it’s all about,” she says. No worries, Heather. According to Bible book Exodus 21:7, you can always sell her into slavery. Wow, I stand corrected. The Bible is FULL of great information.
That’s it for this season – thanks for all the comments, both challenging and supportive – that’s what makes this so much fun. I’m recapping the 2/24 episode of American Idol this week (basically it’s going to be six pages of J-Lo saying, “We are sorry to tell you…YOU’RE ONE OF THE FINAL 24!”) and in a couple weeks I’m starting Celebrity Apprentice. I loves me some trainwrecks! See you then!
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66 Comments
Tom Hanks did a hilarious spoof of T&T on the Jimmy Kimmel show. Watch it if you get a chance.
Can’t believe Kar-man scored as high as she did. She was full glitz and this pageant wasn’t full glitz. Take some points off you stupid judges. And memorization isn’t a talent. Loved the looks of the audience while she recited. Blah.
DD and I loved some of the long gowns the girls were wearing in Kar-man’s age group. I wish I had someplace to wear a long, sparkly gown. With a tiara. And maybe a sash.
Loved Kelci, wish she had placed higher. Lynsie was cute but I think she’d get her butt handed to her at a full-glitz pageant.
I found a pageant to enter my 14yo daughter in, the cost is low and it is a fundraiser for a local hospital. We might do it just for fun. My daughter enjoys being in the school plays (they just did Canterbury Tales) and it might be fun (or horrifying) for her to enter a pageant.
I just watched the Tom Hanks spoof on youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPLWKBWkn3s
It was hilarious!!! Thanks Victory!
Okay, back to reading…
Tom Hanks as the coach dad was hilarious. And you just know that some of the pageant people will probably think it’s serious which is even funnier, yet sad. This was a great recap as usual Crabby. I want you to have a crown and your dogs to have tiaras for watching this next season. But remember to hide the dogs’ eyes if there is another “doggie in the window” routine featuring a live dog…horrors. Many thanks for bringing your snarky wit to this show.
Don’t you think it’s weird that even though it was a semi-glitz pageant, the girl with the most makeup and fake tan ended up winning?
Kelci looks just like Laura Dern
Oh Crabby – you make me laugh out loud every week. I’m not even done yet but “Yeah, she’ll probably be wearing this SAME outfit, the only difference will be the baby on her hip.”? Love. It. When I was watching this and then mom explained her desire to dance in Vegas I gleefully proclaimed “Yup, she’s on her way!”
Still on the first page. But, come on, Betty’s seen 18 at least 3 times. If not more.
Betty is 43. No joke. I saw it on one of those boards.
Jamie Sterling’s poor children were definitely in the footage of that clip and I only saw one of the twins and another child, so I think it’s likely that the next poor kid is doing them now as well. Hopefully, that means that the twin that was being mistreated (AshLyn or something?) told her mother to shove it and is now off doing other things where she can’t be compared to her sister. The witch herself (that is to say, Jamie) was in the footage also – yuck.
Can’t stop laughing at that Tom Hanks video – PRICELESS!!
Great final recap for the season! Sad I will no longer have this show to mock on Wednesday nights, and YES I know that makes me sad.
The Tom Hanks video was perfect. I’m shocked that my kids did not
wake up and yell at me for laughing too loudly. :0
The Hanks video was great. Especially the surprise appearance by Opie.
The most interesting part of this show is comparing the beauty pageant girls to their mothers — it’s like looking into the future.
Between this hilarious recap and the hilarious Kimmel mockumentary, my day has started off with some deep belly laughs. Thanks, DC, for the recap and thanks, Clair, for posting the link.
God is an omnivore–not a well-known fact, so thanks for pointing that out.
In the Tom Hanks video when they are first entering the room (all the pretty losers) both Sterling twins are with the witch, ahem, mom. One looks like she is quite a bit taller than the other, I guess momma Sterling only feeds her favorite. Later ma Sterling has a toddler on her lap and you can see one of the twins off to the side.
I loved this episode! I love it when the three featured girls are in the same division because it’s ups the drama a bit.
Kelci was cute, but I can see why she didn’t win. She lacked the on-stage personality that Karmen and Lindsay had. There was just no sparkle; she looked bored on stage. During her western wear routine, I though her facial expression looked a little… interesting. She looked constipated.
I adored Karmen’s outfit for Western Wear! I need to get an outfit that sparkly
I saw Tom Hank’s spoof of T&T and i thought it was hilarious. Is it just me, or did ‘Sophie Hanks’ look a lot like Danielle Kirby from the Arizona Gold Coast Episode?
“Karmen’s personality has many layers,” may be code for Karmen has multiple personalities.
Kelci’s dress looked a lot like Cassidy’s dress, only I think it is a situation of “who wore it best”. Kelci definitely won in that category. I’d much rather see a happy child with a smile on her face wear the throwback to the 1990 Holiday Barbie dress than a sour little blonde kid who managed to glare throughout the entire pageant. Karmen just got on my nerves, plain and simple. She almost ranked up there with Brenna and Mackenzie as children I would have to lock in a restroom if I were forced to babysit them.
BTW, the Bible for a talent thing was just WRONG! Besides, she didn’t even do that good a job. There are two-year-olds that can recite the presidents and vice presidents and this kid doesn’t have the time to memorize her own talent, 66 books of the Bible (and some of those first and second repeats?) And you done good on the religious comments. They weren’t offensive to me, and I was one of your biggest critics last week. You see, as the great philosopher and poet Sir Rodney the King once wished, we CAN all just get along!
I agree with saffronica.
Memorizing anything is not a talent. I have the Chex Mix recipe moemorized. Doesn’t mean I’m talented. And the kid didn’t even get the books of the Bible right.
I’m surprised she included the books containing the Commandments. It’s obvious she knows nothing about those…especially the one about honoring thy father and mother.
Tom Hanks is KILLING me. It’s easy to forget now that he’s gone all serious and “greatest generation” that he got his start being a really good comic actor sometimes.
“Don’t be a Hooch! Hooch was a bad dog!”
And that van is amazing.
I really liked what you said about Kelci and our Family. We absolutely love doing pageants for the fun of it. Kelci is a well rounded, respectful little girl and I love her so much. Thanks again for the kind words!
Kim, you’ve done a great job at raising a wonderful little girl! Kelci is adorable!
DC, I agree that Kelci and Isabella should team up to rule the world. We’d be much better off.
Great recap, as always. Glad you had more bible fodder!
Wow, what a harsh article about 3 gorgeous great girls…I am Lynsie’s mom by the way & the whore comment was totally uncalled for, to the publisher & people commenting SHE IS 8 get over it guys…apparently none of you were raised right or you would know first she is a child & second if you don’t have nothing nice to say don’t say nothing at all! Lynsie & all the girls were very well spoken & showed great sportsmanship, she deserved the title she got so don’t try to down talk a little girl…grow up!
Wow. Does it make you feel good to sit here and make a site to bash young little girls? You dont know anything about these families. I think it may be the fact you have a hurt little girl on the inside and mybe that girl is upset because you never got to do these kind of fun things..Maybe your mommy didnt have all that extra money to spend on make up because she was too busy supplying her drug habit. Pure Jelousy is all this is. And its pittaful!! Period!
yes please stop being pittaful
My wish is for Kelci and Isabella would team up and discover the cure for……well anything those little ladies are the best! Kim, your family is doing a great job with Ms. Kelci! I’m sorry we are so pittaful, but maybe just maybe you should tart your child up and those comments wouldn’t cross our minds. Did it ever occur to you that most families believe that children should look like children? That most people find it mildly disgusting to spray tan children and slather them with makeup? I don’t know many(any) men that would instruct their DAUGHTER to shake her butt. I don’t know any responsible adults that would spend tens or thousands of dollars on a pageant but have no college fund set up. Lady, truth be told I question what time of drugs you people are on spending that kind of money on YOUR dream……stop living your life through your daughter. BTW, I would hope that none of the contestants of T&T are on this website…..considering it is an adult website that should get through parental controls(I’ve tested it). But, what would should we expect from people who don’t give their children boundaries
I wonder if she really knows that was a misspelling, and if this will turn into Toddlergate 2011
AdelM is this year’s Sabrina! I love it!
“Go on, son, tell ‘em why you mad..”
Jamie, I think the question is how do you think that this outfit is appropriate for an 8 year old child to wear… ever.
Jaime, you’re right, I “don’t have nothing nice to say don’t say nothing at all!” Keep up those grammar lessons.
Man, you can always tell my posts from work…..I believe in every instance of the word ‘should’….it should say ‘shouldn’t’ And ‘what time of drugs’ should be ‘what type of drugs’
Damn, Crabby, I didn’t know yo’mama was a crack whore who couldn’t afford to put you in pageants so you could wear whorish clothes, shake your patootie, and give pedophiles a gander at your sweet, sultry, sexy baby moves. No wonder you’re so bitter and anti-religious! Oh, by the way, thanks for giving in to the pressure and conforming your religious remarks to a tolerable level this week. I was hardily offended last week.
LOLOLOL!
Ah, sweet Kelci and sweet Kelci’s mom, Kim. Bless ya both.
@C8: I was glad to see Tom Hanks get back to his comedy roots. I loved him when he did comedy.
I don’t think there is anything that is much more “pittaful” than the atrocious grammar and spelling demonstrated above. Maybe Jamie should take some of that pageant money and invest in a tutor for her daughter!
Loved Kelci!! What a sweet girl, but PLEASE, Kelci’s mom – find another hobby. Something where she will really shine and not have to compare herself to girls like Carmen.
I liked Lynsie and her family too. I thought it was cute that she calls herself a redneck beauty queen! But for heaven’s sake, get rid of the trampy outfit. There’s no need for that.
Can’t wait to read your Celebrity Apprentice recaps! That show looks like it’s going to be good this time!!
@AdellM, did you get that GED yet? The spelling portion must be a real bitch.
@Jamie, we do understand that your beautiful Lynsie is only 8 and that is why we can’t understand why you would dress her like a hooker and not encourage her to aspire to a higher calling than dancing in Vegas.
@Kim, your Kelci is absolutely precious and your good parenting shines.
Wow. This is amazing to read. HAHA.
Great recap DearCrabby!
Victory/Clair – thanks for the Tom Hanks info/link – HILARIOUS!
Kim & Kelci – Kelci is a great kid and shouldn’t compare herself to the glitz girls…she’s got much more going for her. Keep up the great work raising such a cool kid!
Jamie – ah, we live for pageant moms like you. Also, and it may be splitting hairs, I did not call your daughter a whore, I said you were DRESSING her like one (I also said she reminded me of Jennifer Aniston, or did you miss that part?!). Chris Rock has said that his only job as a father is to keep his daughter off the pole…you seem to be encouraging that, which is really sad.
Thanks for reading everyone, I know how much we enjoy it when crazy parents get involved with the comment. It’s almost pittaful how much fun it is. Ahem.
Am I the only one who noticed that Karmen is missing her right arm in this pic?
http://www.tvgasm.com/wp-content/uploads/38-Kid-auction-begins-now-300×223.jpg
It’s truly pathetic when a group of adults have nothing better to do than talk about a child. Lynsie is beautiful and talented, and where do you all get off on saying there is anything wrong with her going mud bogging with her father? Have you ever tried it? It’s actually very fun! Oh, let me guess, Jamie didn’t go out and spend thousands of dollars on a dress that would only be worn once or twice…give me a break people, it’s a pageant. These things are supposed to be fun for children. After all, that is what they are, children. I think the way some of you that are calling Lynsie a whore and a slut are truly pathetic and need to grow up.
At least Jamie didn’t humiliate her daughter by insinuating that she was to fat the way Heather did with her daughter, or brag about how much she did or didn’t pay for her outfits.
If you think these children *live* for these things, you need to take a step back, it’s you parents that live for them. If the children did, they wouldn’t complain about half the things they did. By the way, Vegas isn’t just about stripping, so do a little bit or research, that is what Google is for.
Maybe most of you that are sticking your children in these pageants are trying to live through your children. That’s fine, but just remember, don’t go through life thinking yours are better than theirs. Not one person in this world is better than another. In God’s eyes, we are all equal. It doesn’t matter how much money you waste on a dress, under that material, is still a little girl that you have caked make up and fan tans, hair spray, and who knows what else on. Let them be little. They are only little once. Don’t make them grow up to fast. When they are grown, it’s to late. You can’t have them back. Your just teaching them, from what I have seem in a lot of these children on these shows, to have major attitudes, thinking they are better than others, disrespectful to their parents, (some mothers actually have the same attitudes). Just think of how they are going to be once they become teenagers!
The Herrod Family in Lost Creek! *The redneck crew*
To all you who are complaing about little Lynsie with ur mean & cruel words towards an 8yr.old child has to have a dam rock inside ur chest instead of a beating & loving heart like little Lynsie and her mother.as for her outfit,i am sure u have either worn or seen less at the swimming pools and beach.her outfit was adorable period and was not trashy.it is sad to label a child a whore when she doesn’t even know the concept of the word.so in doing this only shows your lack of intelligence.and also shows what a sick mind you have and a rock hard heart.so come over any time and i will cook you up a big ole pot of redneck soup beans corn bread fried taters then we’ll go mudd boggin & just maybe u might forget to put on ur seat belt and hit the dash shit out ur teeth, will that be ok?
Heather Herrod
Ok to all of you that want to continue to bash, my spelling was correct & I do have a high school & college education. I don’t encourage my daughter to go to Vegas she wants to be a PROFESSIONAL dancer NOT A STRIPPER!! And as for the outfit, it was a COSTUME, have none of you ever dressed up for Halloween…good god,but of course when you have ignorant uneducated people that don’t know about pageants they have to talk…so sad, we teach our daughter good sportsmanship & to have fun at pageants which she does…sorry that all of you that are bashing her have nothing better to do!! Jealousy is such a bitch!!!
Dear Jamie:
From Merriam-Webster dictionary:
Definition of PITIFUL
1 archaic : full of pity : compassionate
2 a : deserving or arousing pity or commiseration b : exciting pitying contempt (as by meanness or inadequacy)
— piti·ful·ly \-f(ə-)lē\ adverb
— piti·ful·ness \-fəl-nəs\ noun
PITTAFUL: Isn’t in the dictionary
‘Nuff said
Oooh… I love it when one of the pageant moms google themselves and then go on a forum to get a bunch of other pageant moms to come comment too. I guess in their mind, this will make it seem like more people agree with them than disagree with them. They don’t realize that it just gives us more to snark and laugh at. I especially liked the one that threatened violence on us all. Mother of the year award winner there!
Jaime: Pittaful is not a correct spelling of anything. The word is spelled P-I-T-I-F-U-L. Pitiful. And yes, many of us dress up in costumes for halloween. But it wasn’t halloween. And it wasn’t an adult dressing up like that. It was an adult (you) dressing a child like a whore.
I’m a little bit confused about Bobbie Jean’s post. Is she mad at TVGasm members? Is she mad at pageant moms? She tells us not to talk about the children, then she goes on to talk about the children.
Jamie wasn’t the poster who couldn’t’ spell…that was Adelle with the “pittaful” comment. Jamie was the one with the atrocious grammar…”if you don’t have nothing good to say then don’t say nothing at all”.
Wow! I don’t recall anyone calling any of these girls whores……I believe what was said is they are DRESSED as whores. No child under an circumstance should be dressed in age inappropriate clothing. Nor, should any CHILD be spray tanned and have more makeup on that most of us have worn outside in our lives. Even worse, waxing these little angels eyebrows and applying fake eye lashes.. I would LOVE for any of these pageant moms and dads to explain WHY this is necessary. Considering some of the Mothers are former pageant girls, these Mothers state that when they did pageants they weren’t tarted up. I dont think any of us would have anything much to say if these were true beauty/talent contests, and not how much I can make my child look and act like a woman of the night.
I love reading this stuff. It is amazing how defensive people get. It also makes me love this site and DearCrabby more and more.
Moli, you are so right. I mean put it in context. Let’s say a random family decided that for halloween their 4 year old daughter was going to be a crack whore or prostitute and then they dressed her appropriately and paraded her around the neighborhood. How quickly do you think CPS would be called to check things out in that household? et, some of these pageant children are dressed in outfits that would be considered revealing on a grown woman! I’m not saying that there shouldn’t be pageants. I’m saying that you don’t need to dress your child like a stripper to enter one.
Oops, sorry Jaime. I saw you defending your spelling and figured it had been you.
Jamie…why would an 8 year old choose to dress like they want to have Brett Michael’s illegitimate child even if it was for Halloween?
You just haven’t really made that clear to me yet.
Explain to me why an 8 year old CHILD would even know that they would get more attention ( and let’s not kid ourselves …it’s attention) by baring as much of themselves as possible to strangers in order to get a crown.
So…you are teaching your daughter(I shudder) that her worth is wrapped up in the physical package she displays.
PS…you don’t write like you have any kind of education…so I remain skeptical of you intelligence and common sense.
Hey remember what Jamie wrote: ” If you don’t have nothing nice to say, don’t say nothing at all.” Yep, sounds edumacated to me.
Even if one’s spelling is correct, without even a rudimentary understanding of punctuation and with and over-use of run-on sentences, one will come off as a semi-literate person at best.
I would LOVE to have some of you pageant moms answer some of my most burning questions.
1. What is the reason for having your daughter turn so her back is to the judges, hands on hips, and shake her butt while looking over her shoulder and smiling? Would you have her do this as a part of a program at church or school? You should, because you say there’s nothing sexy about it, so it should be acceptable everywhere, right? (I want to see her do this while playing the part of Mary in the Nativity..that would be AWESOME!)
2. Why do you have you daughter wearing a swim suit in front of judges/audience when there’s no swimming pool? What is the purpose of a swim suit in beauty contests? Isn’t it so the judges can see more of the girl’s body? Do you think there is any other reason for judges wanting to see the girls in swimsuits? Remember, there is no swimming pool. Why don’t they have the girls dress like they are going snow skiing? Could it be that it wouldn’t allow them to see as much of your little girl’s body? Doesn’t that sort of creep you out? Even a little bit? Oh, wait…I forgot. These pageants aren’t sexual.
3. Why do you teach them to do that perfectly stupid fist-under-chin-and-nod thing?
4. If you were somewhere and your daughter turned her back and looked over her shoulder at a man and smiled and winked like she’s been trained to do in pageants, would you think it’s creepy or would you just consider it practice for her next pageant? Probably nothing sexy about that turn, smile, wink thing, because you’ve always said that there’s nothing sexy about pageants, right?
5. What if your daughter put on her swim suit, went to the public swimming pool and stood on the edge of the pool, hands on hips, and began the traditional pageant routine of shaking her hips. (I remember hearing so many pageant moms screaming, “Shake it, Baby!”) Maybe she would even do the shaking her finger like “no-no” which I see in so many pageants. What do you think the reaction would be? Do you think people would think she’s being cute? Do you think they would think she’s being sexy? I’m sure everyone would just think she’s being cute, nothing sexual about it, because you’ve always insisted that there’s NOTHING SEXY about the pageants, right?
6. And that reminds me…what is the purpose/message behind that routine: hands on hips, shaking hips, pouty face, shaking no-no finger at judges/audience? MAYBE without the shaking hips it would send a different message. So why are all the little girls coached to shake their hips while doing it? Do you think that the general population just might think it’s a sexy move? Again, is it something you would see as part of a program at church or school? Please send me videos of her doing that routine in a church pageant. I will pay postage.
7. Are you freaking nuts?
I would add to Alice’s list.
You think this behavior of a little girl shaking her ass at strangers while looking seductively over her shoulder is cute and not sexual. You taught her that behavior.
Will you still think it’s cute when she’s doing it at age ten?
At age fifteen?
How about when she’s seventeen?
How and when do you tell her it’s no longer cute, and WHY would you tell her it’s no longer cute? Or do you think that behavior is fine for any age?
OMG. I’ve lurked here this season, loving the snarky recaps, and now we’ve got the moms. This took the fun to a whole new level. Thankssomuch!
@Alice, I’m a pageant girl (yes, by my own choice, just started again last year). I could answer some questions for you!
1 and 2 I can’t answer. I’ve never competed in swimwear; it’s kinda awkward.
3, I’m guessing for a “cutesy” effect. 4, I would really hope most parents would teach their children the difference from pageant stuff and winking at men in the real world. It’s a lot bigger than the pageant world. 5, most kids kinda know the difference between swimsuit for the stage + swimsuit for the pool. XD 6, can’t really answer either. 7, they’re not always nuts; look at Kelci, Kinley, Taralyn and Isabella’s moms.
By the way, @Kim, you are awesome. You and Kelci I can totally tell have a lot of fun with it. It’s wonderful!
@Jamie, I’m not trying to argue, so I’ll just say that Lynsie is a very, VERY beautiful girl, with and without makeup! (:
PugLuvr, My reason for asking #4 is to point out that teaching a little girl to look coy and sexy is not necessarily a good thing. Why would a child need to learn such behavior to be successful, whether on the stage or anywhere? The lesson the mothers are giving their little girls is this: To win something and be the best, you need to be sexy. Seems like sort of a dangerous message to me!
My question about the swimsuit at the pool vs a pageant was only to make a point. Swimsuits were made for swimming. Why have beauty pageants always had contestants wear swimsuits? The answer is, of course, so the judges are able to see as much of the contestant’s body as they can. That was one of the reasons some women objected to the Miss America in the 1970′s…they felt that it was like a “meat show” and reduced women to simple sex objects.
I personally LOVE the Miss America pageant, and HATE that it is no longer such a big deal. We always had big Miss America parties the night it was on, and we’d wear tiaras, sashes, etc. One time a friend came in her mother’s old 1950′s swimsuit and heels! We made our own ballots and ate trashy, fattening food everyone brought. Good times.
Anyway, it seriously creeps me out to see little girls wearing swimsuits for the pageants, because they are little girls! The swimsuit category is actually the “Let’s see as much of you as we possibly can” category.
Oh well.
The moms know that the people on this site make smart ass comments about tv shows, right? That is the reason the site exists.
Judging from past and present experience, there’s really no end to what the pageant moms don’t know.
Maybe there are normal pageant moms out there, who aren’t WAY into The Jesus, who can spell and use proper grammar, and who don’t respond to criticism with vulgarity and threats of eternal damnation… but those moms sure as heck don’t post here.
Interesting that the crazy pageant moms had time to pop in and whine about how misunderstood they are, and how mean we all are…but when faced with legitimate questions posed in a calm, polite manner, they all scattered and haven’t been heard from since.
Maybe they’re stuck in the mud bog? Someone get winch. A BIG one.
A winch for the wenches…
Jamie if Lynsie wants to be a professional dancer take her to classical ballet, tap, modern and gymnastics classes. Spend your money on proper training instead of pageants and aim for a good dance or performing arts high school. Even Las Vegas dancers started off in ballet class. I know dancers who work in the casinos here in Australia don’t even get to audition without years of training in all aspects of dance as it is so competitive. Find some dance competitions for her to do instead of the pageants as this is a good way to find out from other parents what is happening in the dance world. Being a dancer is hard work – I know from experience but whether it is a dance company or Las Vegas. Get her started now before she is too old to get the required training.
DearCrabby, I hope you see The Soup Awards featuring the award for Cutest Toddler Beauty Queen going to “Brenna”. Absolutely hilarious, and pretty much like we all pictured her in the future.
Snarky being the norm, here…And don’t misunderstand, I love snarky…These were some truly mean comments. (Talk mean of Jamie Sterling all you like, honestly, she was a shocking mom!
I watch T&T because it’s both fun and ridiculous, and then I come straight here and read the silly recap because it’s hilarious. I do wince words such as “whore,” etc. in regards to a child’s attire, even if the child’s attire wasn’t very childish. I come from an era where very little girls (age 2 or 3) could swim in just swimsuit bottoms – no top, just like the boys. (Even though that now makes me wince, also.) My main point is this: There’s no need to make fun of grammar, punctuation, spelling, or whether a person is “Way Jesus.” (Raising my hand to show you I’m Way Jesus and proud! 
Sarcasm doesn’t have to involve name-calling.
To Kim & Lynsie’s parents: Loved Kelci! What a sweetheart. I loved the way Lynsie & Kelci were good sports about the process, and seemed good friends…Kelci even smiled at her friend when Lynsie won the pageant…too sweet!
Sorry…”Wince AT words”…bahaha!!
Ive done jazz, tap, ballet etc and its a little bit sad how things have changed since I was a child. The moves in competitions have become more sexualized, the outfits more revealing, the themes more disturbing. Having said that, they dont even closely rival the atrocious behaviour on t&t!
Crossing fingers for our future generations.
Suck it up Jamie!
I know this comment is old, but the whole time I watched this episode I thought she looked just like Julia Stiles.