Toddlers & Tiaras: Cleo Patrick Ain’t the Only Queen of Denial

“Mr. Todd” opens this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras as the emcee of the Fancy Faces pageant in Oklahoma City.  You know you’re in trouble when a man wants you to call him by his first name and include the title “Mr.”  Oy.  He says they are bringing glitz “back to Oklahoma.”  Was it ever there in the first place?

BRRRAAAAPPPP!

He says you’ll see glitz from introductory to advanced (which, if it’s a glitz pageant, means it’s GLITZ all the way people) and that 2 of the past five Miss America winners have been from Oklahoma (which I checked on The Wik and it was years 2006 and 2007.  “Maybe one of the girls we see today will be the next Miss America,” Mr. Todd says.  Well, a teen just won, so why not a pre-teen?

Over in Holdenville, Oklahoma, we meet our first freakshow of the night, 15 month old SamiJo and her completely in-denial mother, Tricia.  First of all, when the hell is a Miss America ever named SamiJo and second of all, isn’t SamiJo mostly a name you find in trailer parks like the kind you see on Cops?  Good move, MOM.

Tricia says she put SamiJo in pageants “because that was the whole reason I wanted to have a daughter.”  Oh, here we go.  Barbies would have been cheaper and they actually would have done what you told them to do.

I’d rather be a KISS groupie than a pageant girl.

Tricia says she used to watch pageants with her grandmother and would make dresses for her Barbies (see?).  She says when she found out she was having a girl, she wanted to name her America so her name would be Miss America.  So it would be Miss America America if she ever won that title.  Because she sure as shit isn’t going to be “CEO America,” let me assure you.  Luckily her husband reined her in and instead let her give her daughter a total and complete hick name.  Good one, Deliverance.

Tricia interviews that all of SamiJo’s little life has been aimed at becoming Miss America – the pageants, the people watching her, the learning how to blow kisses and wave.  It’s almost like they are training her to be a British royalty.  Also, I tried to find out the odds of winning Miss America because I’m betting she’s got a better chance of being autistic, but I couldn’t find any research.  However, once again The Wik said that most Miss Americas fade into obscurity save for a couple, so I feel some vindication on mocking Tricia’s absolutely ridiculous goal for her baby.

In Marietta, Oklahoma, where they spell laundromat wrong (LANDROMAT), we are immediately irritated with yodeling.  WTF?  Four year old Jaclynn is part of a nutcase family that likes to yodel without the talent of the Sound of Music puppeteers.  Oddly enough, this will not be the most irritating sound someone makes during the episode.

Jaclynn, nicknamed Jackie, is an adorable redhead with a crazy stepmother who has some kind of odd affectation when she speaks/twitches/blinks.  Kim and her daughter Mercedes love pageants and have now inducted Jackie into the crazy fray.  Kim talks while holding her eyes open wildly, twitching, providing a southern drawl that would seem cute if not for the twitching, and basically acting very, very odd.  And I don’t think it’s drugs.  That’s just her.

Did one of the dolls goose her?

Jackie has won three out of six pageants she’s been in which is not surprising, she’s adorable.  I do also love the way Kim is so involved with her step-daughter, she clearly adores her and the three girls (Kim, Mercedes and Jackie) seem to really enjoy things.  Won’t stop me from making fun of them, but it’s nice to see a somewhat normal family.

She’s adorable.  Crap.

Mom Nicole and her daughter Alexis are our resident Oklahoma City folks.  Nicole says Alexis loves to be the center of attention because she’s so energetic.

Already she’s exhausted me.

What you will find is that she is not talented or polished and if they really want to win big, someone is going to need to get her shit together and/or put a call in to Miss Margie or Miss Christy, our favorite pageant coaches.

Trust me, you’re not going to need another shelf.

Back in Holdenville, we see turtles crossing a dirt road and as SamiJo is strapped in to an ATV death trap, Tricia tells us they are turtle farmers.  I had to run it back because I thought I heard it wrong, but I didn’t.  They farm turtles to be used as Indian artifacts (Native American?  Also, how can they be artifacts if they are alive right now?) or food.  “It’s just like a cattle farm,” she says.  Well, I guess she’s got us there.

Dinner delivers itself.

SamiJo is “practicing” for the pageant by having Coach Whitnei (no, it really is spelled that way) carry her and twirl her around.  Whitnei says Tricia is a pageant mom, which thanks for the update.  Tricia interviews that she “prayed and prayed and prayed that God would give me a Miss America.”  Yes, because once again God has NOTHING BETTER TO DO than worry about providing you with a human that is going to fade into obscurity.

“When I had my third boy, I became very depressed,” Tricia says.  You know he can probably hear you, right?  Coach Whitless says that if Tricia had given birth to a fourth boy, they might have had to put her in a mental institution.  What’s stopping you now?  Also, if you want a daughter that badly, something tells me you could have ADOPTED ONE.  But no, keep populating the earth until you get the sex you want.  “I couldn’t have pre-ordered a better baby,” Tricia says.  If you had adopted you could have.

Alexis’s dad shows up and he looks really familiar – I can’t place it, let me know if you can, but he seems both like a guy who has a rock band that will never get going and a gay guy.  It’s a strange combo.

No, really, we’re totally getting the band back together.  Styx RULES.

Nicole says they are adding a few practice times for Alexis this week because Fancy Faces is a much more difficult pageant.  Nicole is up Alexis’s ass about her hands and Alexis is really unpolished for a glitz competitor.  Nicole tells her to be sharper on her hands and feet, so at least she knows her kid has issues.  Alexis has decided she wants to do talent but Nicole says they are undecided because Alexis doesn’t know what the hell she wants to sing.

Alexis starts to throw a fit and whine and Nicole picks her up and says, “Stop it, I don’t want that shit on national television!”  Of course, they beep out the “shit” but otherwise, IT’S ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.  TLC editors, j’adore you!  Dad Jason just sits there chewing cud.  Or gum.

They can probably convict you just with the audio, even if we can’t see you beating her.

Back in Marietta, Jackie shows us her “robot” dance and it’s really funny. Jackie’s coaches are Mercedes and Kim and it looks like they have a great time together.  She might want to pull that tongue in when she’s making pretty face, however.

The safe word here is “Twinkie.”

They high-five her and again, seem like a really nice family, very supportive of one another.  There is probably a lot of love in the house, they pay their bills on time and go to church to pray for things like food and shelter for OTHER PEOPLE.  So basically, I’ve got nothing here.  Yet.

The robot?  Adorable too.  Double crap!

In a sick twist of fate, Tricia “meets” Mrs. Oklahoma and goes on a shopping trip with her.  I’d love to know how this came about.  When Mrs. Oklahoma asks how SamiJo got started in pageants, Tricia incomprehensibly answers, “That’s the whole reason I had a daughter.”  That doesn’t come close to answering the question.

Mrs. Oklahoma is normal so she has no clue what it takes to dress a kid for a glitz pageant.  Tricia explains to her that it means the dress is “covered in rhinestones” and not the silly unglittered dress Mrs. Oklahoma just picked out, yucky puey!

Tricia tells us she was looking forward to meeting Mrs. Oklahoma because as a child, “I really looked up to beauty queens.”  God, this woman has NO LIFE.  She explains to Mrs. Oklahoma that SamiJo does tanning, she has a stylist, blah, blah, blah.

Mrs. Oklahoma interviews that a lot of times parents put a lot of pressure on their kids to become what THEY want.  Ha!  Nail on the head, Mrs. Oklahoma.  She says she prefers to let her children make their own decisions.  “I would never have my daughter do a pageant,” she says, smiling.  I bet Tricia was pissed when she saw this episode.

Is there a politically correct way to say “You’re crazy!” ?

“SamiJo loves to shop,” Tricia tells us, adding,”she has great fashion sense too.”  She’s 15 months old.  She still poops in her clothes, so please don’t pretend who you are talking about is anybody but YOURSELF.  Tricia says she supplies SamiJo with whatever it takes to win and she has no idea what it costs.  I’ll give you a hint:  Your dignity and self-esteem.  Hugs!

Alexis is at the salon to get her unibrow waxed and she goes bat-shit crazy.  Instead of using the patented TVgasm Sham-Brow, they pile on the wax and tear off her face.  Apparently some other moron applied wax that was too hot on Alexis and ended up burning her and ripping off her skin, so no shit she’s afraid.  Also, it hurts like hell and that scares little kids. I think most women know that brow-waxing is the least of the painful waxing situations.  I’m looking in your direction, bikini line.

Alexis screams and yells and seriously?  I hope child protective services is watching.  Isn’t there an age limit on waxing?  This kid is clearly terrified.

Okay, is it bad I sort of enjoyed this?  She was a total brat earlier.

Oh, good, SamiJo is getting fake nails for the pageant…except Coach Whitless says they look weird since she’s so little.  Also, Tricia spray tans her, including hosing her in the face, while saying she wants SamiJo to be the first baby to take home a supreme title.  Oops!  Should have been her last week when Kelli’s in-vitro/surrogate/miracle did, sucka!

Mommy don’t shoot me, I promise I’ll compete.

In Marietta, Jackie’s family is packing up her stuff and creepy dad Weldon says they are looking forward to having a great time.  Why does his hair look wet?

Seriously, why is he so damp?

I bet the met on a Christian dating site.  They are really nice people.  God, I hate when a sliver of conscience rears its ugly head.

No seriously what is the problem here?

Now comes the really super-duper creepy freakshow part.  I knew this family had to have it somewhere…Jackie has a puppet named Arnold who is in a wheelchair – a disabled puppet that she likes to take to pageants with her.  He reminds me of H.R. Pufnstuf and I’m sure I’ll be having clown nightmares for the rest of the month.  What part of TLC doesn’t this network understand?  Clowns!

Uhhhh…ummmm….uh….

“They both have red hair, so they’re naturally going to get along together,” Weldon says, while Kim jauntily wide-eyed says that Arnold is a collector’s item (probably like Beanie Babies or 9/11 coins from the Franklin Mint, limit 5 per customer!), but the still let Jackie play with him.  If he were in an office supply store, I’d bet they’d ask him to judge a beauty pageant!

PAGEANT DAY!  Mr. Todd is decked out in his best tuxedo and says Oklahoma is known for its tornadoes and the girls are blowing into town this morning.  Yes, let’s compare pageant brats with weather systems that kill people and destroy your state.  Actually, I guess that is a pretty good comparison.

He has a better chance of hosting next year’s Golden Globes than Ricky Gervais does.

Kim tells us that she and Mercedes will be doing Jackie’s hair, and she tells us this while twitching all over the place, raising her eyebrows and e-nun-ci-a-ting-ev-er-y-wor-d.  Seriously, what the hell is going on there?  Jackie is so cute saying, “At-ti-tuuuude,” in a joking way.  She says, “Beauty takes patience.”  At least she didn’t say “Go glitz or go home.”

The face that invalidates birth control.  Adorable again!

SamiJo freaks out and starts crying and Tricia tells us that’s her game face.  Uh, are you unfamiliar with what game face means?  Then we see her duct-taping SamiJo’s dress to her shoulder so it stays put.  Duct tape?  On little kid skin?  Have you not heard of body tape or butt paste?  This poor kid.

They put duct tape on the kids’ mouths?

“This is what the pros do,” Tricia says.  You mean the oldest profession?  I bet somewhere in Oklahoma, Mrs. Oklahoma just twitched for reasons unbeknownst to her.

Alexis is cranky this morning because it’s early, she didn’t get any sleep, she’s a stupid kid, take your pick.  She is still indecisive about what to do for talent but dammit, she’s going to do it.  Problem is, she didn’t practice and doesn’t know which song to sing.  And now the crisis is fake eyelashes.  They hurt and wah-wah.  Is she new to this pageant thing?  Then she really starts to hyperventilate and loses it.  I have no idea how the parents find this a good use of their weekend time.

This has Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan written ALL over it.

The pageant director and one of the judges give us some bullshit about how they are judging on their personalities shining through.  Get the wading boots.

First up, SamiJo’s group…her trainer/coach Whitless takes her onstage as Tricia tells us she tries to be the one to get SamiJo’s attention. And she does this by making a sound like a freakin’ Capuchin monkey or something, it’s like a ya-ya-ya-ya high pitched scream that would make me get security and throw her out on her ass OH MY GOD THAT IS SO F#CKING IRRITATING SHUT THE HELL UP YOU STUPID BITCH.  No seriously, SHUT. UP!

Do you call the turtles the same way?  They probably go to their deaths happily.

And does it work?  No, SamiJo just runs away from Whitless (and that f#cking sound!) and does not do well.  Mr. Todd says she’s “rocking a cupcake skirt and a pamper.”  Been there, just not at the same time.

Quality time once again.

Next up, Jackie.  You know how much j’adore the redheads and she looks so pretty in that blue dress.  Alexis, however, tells her parents that “the doll scares me.”  She’s of course, speaking of the wheel-chaired Arnold that Jackie brought with her.  You know, I’m torn – I think it’s cool that a little kid loves a doll that is differently abled/disabled/handicapped/a crippled mess – makes it very mainstream.  On the other hand, that doll is like clown wallpaper – it scares the shit out of me.

Arnold is a pedophilic quadraplegic!  Stop touching Jackie!

Jackie is really cute onstage and very comfortable and natural overall.  Dad has his hand up Arnold’s ass to animate him for Jackie and her whole family cheers for her.  She’s adorable, she has a loving family, and that doll still scares the shit out of me.  Mercedes says this walk was her best ever.  “I did awesome!” Jackie says, pumping her hands.  So cute!  And I hate cute!

Quirky and loving.  Not a bad combo!

Alexis on the other hand is okay, not quite polished enough, and I totally cracked up when I realized she wasn’t paying attention to how to get off the stage and instead of using the steps she just takes a huge step off the platform.  Oops.

Dradel-dradel-dradel…are you made out of clay?

SamiJo is being plied with her special juice, a.k.a. soda.  Yeah, that usually helps kids focus.  Jackie is getting ready for her talent and Alexis says she loves being “Cleo Patrick.”  Her mother corrects her with “Cleopatra” and I’m thoroughly convinced this girl is going to be a C-student at best.  Her dad and his friend are carrying her onto the stage.  “They have to dress up as my slabes,” Alexis says, clearly inheriting her mothers enunciating challenges.

Dumbass.

Tricia and Whitless have some stupid song they’ve put together about SamiJo being Miss America, Miss United States, yeah! and I just wonder how disappointed Tricia is going to be if SamiJo never becomes Miss America.  I mean, what do you do when the dream is over?  Or worse, what if she does make it – after that, WHAT?  Not everyone can become Vanessa Williams, folks.  You actually have to have TALENT.

“I do not know how Sami is going to react today if she doesn’t win,” Tricia tells us.  I’m going to go with eat, nap, poop, pee…in that order and in the same space.  She’s 15 months old and doesn’t really have the cognitive ability to be disappointed in anything except not being able to suck on that toy right there.

SamiJo once again is onstage, Tricia makes her yak-in-heat sound, and Sami tries to run offstage, tries to do a summersault, tries to kill herself, and Tricia is beginning to admit that Sami is having an “off day.”  Whatever gets you through the pageant.  I thought Alexis was dressed as Queen of Denial.

Eat my dust suckers!

Jackie gets onstage and does her dance.  “Pump it, pump it, pump it,” she interviews, pumping her fists.  Then she does the robot and it’s hilarious to see her face – she is really going to love/hate this video when she’s about 16 and dad plays it for her prom date.  What a cutie.

Rut-roh, what is it this season with late arrivals?  Alexis is running late and then her mother realizes her she doesn’t have her CD.  Oops, points off.  Suck it!  They have to move along.

But then they let her go (per usual, she did pay the entrance fee).  The two “slabes” bring her onstage and she does some weird dance that is a hot mess.  One judge interviews that being late will affect her score but “she needs more smiles.”  She might also consider actually practicing before a pageant to get her routines down.  But the worst is still to come.

The loss of dignity was worth the wait.

“I want the win for Sami,” Tricia says.  “I want that.”  Well, admitting it is the first step to recovery.  “I am very competitive.”  Then why aren’t YOU competing?

Then you should have adopted a girl from China.  They perform perfectly – haven’t you seen Cirque du Soleil?

Oh, and here comes the kid on the pony we’ve been seeing on every commercial for this show!  Probably a good idea when at home, but not so much inside of a hotel where the pony has to climb steps with a little girl who cannot hold on and the parents have to do it.  She gets whiplash going up the stairs and loses her hat.  Too bad the pony didn’t poop, that would have been the best talent ever.

Death IS an option…and a probability!

SamiJo’s talent is looking at the judges and…running away again!  Tricia says SamiJo isn’t doing any of her moves or blowing kisses.  She admits she’s probably not in the running for Grand Supreme.  No shit.

At least she’s consistent in her sucking.

Jackie begins her routine by jumping off a chair – and falling flat on her face!  Oh no!

WIPEOUT!

She looks, they look, it gets quiet and the kid pulls it together and rocks it out.  Her family all dances along with her, so does Arnold and that kid it totally going to run a company or cure cancer or something – how someone that little has that much poise is beyond me – oh wait, her family is reasonably normal, they love and support her, and enjoy the pageant for fun not for sport.  Go figure.

This family is crazy.  I love them!

And here comes the train wreck Alexis.  Silence…then…”Mary had a little lamb, little lam….Mary had a little lamb….it was white as snow…” and she continues, then adds a stupid dance to make it clear she had not practice and it’s funny because the editors make it seem like people are getting restless and starting to moan and sort of boo…Dad turns to wife Nicole and says “You can’t help but laugh,” but she is not.  In fact, she’s probably going to punch you in the nads later.  Just not on NATIONAL TELEVISION.

Nicole, listening to this mess of a child, rolls her eyes and shakes her head because she realizes her weekend, her money, and one fertilized egg have been completely wasted.  Alexis then sort of falls to the ground, then stands up and does a cartwheel as Nicole clarifies for us in case we’ve gone deaf, dumb and blind that Alexis “winged her talent.”  Oh, she winged it alright.

I’m going to pretend I’m somewhere else.

“My talent was really good…a cartwheel…some pretty hard stuff,” Alexis says.  Wow, she’s really IS Cleo Patrick.  Which is a name I’m really starting to like.  I may use it for my pseudonym for things like when I’m trying to break into Clooney’s hotel room.

Jesus, crowning finally.  Is it me, or did this episode drag?  Got, get me to the crowning of Jackie and let’s let the others slide into oblivion.  Tricia is already getting a stomach ache.  Maybe it’s another baby girl who will do what you want her to do.

Wonder if I could make a shiv with this – or is it a shank?  I can never remember.

First up…the winner in the Talent category in SamiJo’s group…SamiJo!  Because why now?  Wow, the competition must have sucked it bad.  Tricia says she’s shocked.  Who did she blow between categories?

Fancy Wear Queen…SamiJo!  WTF?  Wow, the other babies really DID suck!  Or maybe those are the extra categories that parents can pay for?  Beauty division…second runner up…not SamiJo!  First runner up…SamiJo!  You win!  So you lose!  Sucks to be you, Miss Not America.

Loser!

Up next…four to five Talent category (which means both Jackie and Alexis)…Not our girls, but that’s okay – some really flexible little girl won.  Fancy Wear winner…not our girls!  WTF!?!?!  Come on, Jackie’s awesome!  Nicole says she hopes Alexis Grand Supremes.  Yeah, the only place she’ll be doing that is at Pizza Hut and she is going to totally stain her dress.

So…Third runner up…Alexis!  Yep, that’s about right…she’s the loser’s loser’s loser.  Loosah! Nicole says she wonders if it was because they were late. It wasn’t.  It’s because your daughter sucks ass at this.  She’s not polished and her song was awful.  Not just bad, but Gong Show awful.  Simon Cowell was thousands of miles away cringing because it was Just. So. Bad.

Next time, practice.

Second runner up…not Jackie….First runner up… Jackie!  OH that is BULLSHIT! Triple dog-dare bullshit!  She did a much better job than that and she should have been giving like extra credit for pulling things together after her fall.  Dad says he’s very proud of her and she’s his shining star and Kim says Jackie did an amazing job.  That is why Jackie rules, she’s so normal.

Bull + Shit = Completely ROBBED.

The Grand Supreme was actually a tiny tot – very pretty with big eyes.  Tricia says she’s shocked.  No one else is.  She says she knows SamiJo is getting close to getting a supreme title.  Only if she’s joining Alexis at The Hut.  She wants her to win Miss America and Miss Universe.  Can you do both? She needs the Cleo Patrick outfit because she thinks Alexis is going to get an agent soon.  Only if it’s a shyster trying to take your money.

It’s this or it’s spending the weekend ensconced on the sofa with warm spaniels and no one fighting me for the remote.  I’ve made my choice and can live with it.

“I’m a winner,” Jackie tells us.  Yes you are!  “Take a picture with me and Arnold!”  Dad says, “She made me the proudest dad ever.”  Wow, what a great family.  She is totally going to be a really cool adult.  Good for you Jackie!

Next week, I’ve seen this mother before…and she’s being walked on by a bratty kid.  Shocker.